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Communication Skills FOR
DUMmIES
‰
by Elizabeth Kuhnke
A John Wiley and Sons, Ltd, Publication
Communication Skills For Dummies® Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Ltd The Atrium Southern Gate Chichester West Sussex PO19 8SQ England www.wiley.com © 2013 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex. Registered office John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www. wiley.com. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher. Image page 136: © Vika Valter/iStock Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-ondemand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit www.wiley.com. Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book are trade names, service marks, trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publisher is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: WHILE THE PUBLISHER AND AUTHOR HAVE USED THEIR BEST EFFORTS IN PREPARING THIS BOOK, THEY MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES WITH THE RESPECT TO THE ACCURACY OR COMPLETENESS OF THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK AND SPECIFICALLY DISCLAIM ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. IT IS SOLD ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THE PUBLISHER IS NOT ENGAGED IN RENDERING PROFESSIONAL SERVICES AND NEITHER THE PUBLISHER NOR THE AUTHOR SHALL BE LIABLE FOR DAMAGES ARISING HEREFROM. IF PROFESSIONAL ADVICE OR OTHER EXPERT ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED, THE SERVICES OF A COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL SHOULD BE SOUGHT. For general information on our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 877-762-2974, outside the U.S. at (001) 317-572-3993, or fax 317-5724002. For technical support, please visit www.wiley.com/techsupport. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN 978-1-118-40124-8 (pbk), ISBN 978-1-118-40126-2 (ebk), ISBN 978-1-118-40127-9 (ebk), ISBN 978-1-118-40125-5 (ebk) Printed in Great Britain by TJ International Ltd, Padstow, Cornwall 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Contents at a Glance Introduction....................................................... 1 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills............ 7 Chapter 1: Grasping the Finer Points of Great Communication........... 9 Chapter 2: Knowing What You Want to Achieve.................................. 27 Chapter 3: Valuing Different Communication Styles........................... 43
Part II: Being Receptive to Others..................... 55 Chapter 4: Listening Actively for Total Understanding....................... 57 Chapter 5: Establishing Rapport for Effective Communication......... 71
Part III: Putting Your Mind and Body into Your Message............................................ 89
Chapter 6: Choosing the Right Attitude................................................ 91 Chapter 7: Speaking with Clarity.......................................................... 109 Chapter 8: Conveying Messages through Movements...................... 127
Part IV: Managing Communication Challenges.... 143
Chapter 9: Getting Yourself Out of Sticky Situations......................... 145 Chapter 10: Negotiating with Finesse.................................................. 159 Chapter 11: Communicating Across Cultures..................................... 171
Part V: Communicating Across Distances......... 185
Chapter 12: Communicating Successfully through Technology...... 187 Chapter 13: Communicating over the Phone...................................... 203 Chapter 14: Putting Pen to Paper for Positive Effect......................... 213
Part VI: The Part of Tens................................ 225
Chapter 15: Ten Top Tips for Speaking Face to Face........................ 227 Chapter 16: Ten Essential Tips for Effective Communication.......... 235
Index............................................................. 243
Table of Contents Introduction........................................................ 1 About This Book......................................................................... 2 Conventions Used in This Book................................................ 2 What You’re Not to Read........................................................... 3 Foolish Assumptions.................................................................. 3 How This Book Is Organised..................................................... 3 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills.................... 4 Part II: Being Receptive to Others.................................. 4 Part III: Putting Your Mind and Body into Your Message........................................................ 4 Part IV: Managing Communication Challenges............. 4 Part V: Communicating Across Distances..................... 5 Part VI: The Part of Tens.................................................. 5 Icons Used in This Book............................................................. 5 Where to Go from Here.............................................................. 6
Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills............. 7 Chapter 1: Grasping the Finer Points of Great Communication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Using Your Whole Body to Communicate............................. 10 Getting into the right frame of mind............................ 10 Putting your eyes and ears to work............................. 11 Communicating with Clarity.................................................... 12 Sending a clear message................................................ 12 Providing feedback......................................................... 13 Providing positive feedback................................ 14 Giving constructive feedback............................. 15 Being clear about your goals, needs and preferences.......................................................... 18 Distinguishing between personal and business conversations.............................................................. 19 Displaying Respect for Other People..................................... 20 Behaving respectfully..................................................... 20 Listening with an open mind......................................... 21 Connecting with different types of people.................. 23 Handling Challenging Communications................................. 24
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Chapter 2: Knowing What You Want to Achieve. . . . . . 27 Communicating with a Clear Intention.................................. 28 Declaring your needs and preferences........................ 29 Saying what you mean................................................... 29 Passive intentions................................................ 30 Active intentions.................................................. 30 Active intentions in action.................................. 31 Meaning what you say.................................................... 33 Presenting a Compelling Case................................................. 35 Tapping into what matters to the other person......... 35 Speaking with credibility............................................... 36 Removing Potential Barriers to Achieving Your Aims......... 37 Avoiding criticising......................................................... 38 Letting go of moralising................................................. 40 Casting aside blame........................................................ 40
Chapter 3: Valuing Different Communication Styles . . . 43 Developing Your Awareness of Different Communication Styles.......................................................... 43 Communicating with the loud and proud or the meek and mild................................................. 44 Giving the introvert time to think...................... 45 Letting the extrovert take the stage................... 48 Taking in the wide view or preferring detail............... 49 Picking up on the big picture.............................. 49 Focusing on the fine detail.................................. 51 Adapting Your Style for Clear Communication..................... 53 Helping others to understand what you mean........... 53 Seeing things from someone else’s point of view....... 54
Part II: Being Receptive to Others...................... 55 Chapter 4: Listening Actively for Total Understanding. . . 57 Listening with the Intention to Understand.......................... 58 Lowering your barriers.................................................. 60 Letting go of judgement................................................. 61 Turning off your opinions.............................................. 62 Paying attention to people’s words and behaviours..... 62 Hearing what people don’t say..................................... 63 Getting into the Other Person’s Mindset............................... 64 Asking questions to check your understanding......... 64 Paraphrasing for clarity................................................. 65
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Letting People Know They’ve Been Heard............................ 67 Being open to being corrected...................................... 68 Going beneath what’s been said................................... 68 Respecting people’s feelings......................................... 69
Chapter 5: Establishing Rapport for Effective Communication. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 Building Trust and Camaraderie............................................. 72 Demonstrating curiosity................................................ 72 Finding common points of interest.............................. 74 Seeking similarities......................................................... 75 Making your assumptions clear.................................... 76 Acknowledging the impact of your behaviour............ 78 Engaging with Empathy............................................................ 80 Appealing to people’s feelings...................................... 81 Standing in other people’s shoes................................. 82 Accepting others’ emotions................................ 82 Acknowledging people’s experiences................ 83 Creating Alignment to Build Rapport..................................... 84 Establishing rapport in the workplace........................ 85 Matching and mirroring posture and energy.............. 85 Listening for understanding.......................................... 86 Pacing and leading to advance the conversation....... 87
Part III: Putting Your Mind and Body into Your Message............................................. 89 Chapter 6: Choosing the Right Attitude. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 Speaking from the I-Position.................................................... 92 Discovering the I-position.............................................. 93 Using I-statements.......................................................... 94 Appreciating the Power of Your Actions............................... 97 Letting go of accusations............................................... 97 Sending a message that resonates............................... 99 Connecting with Commitment.............................................. 100 Wanting to engage with other people........................ 101 Networking effectively................................................. 102 Speaking with conviction............................................. 103 Telling a compelling story........................................... 105
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Chapter 7: Speaking with Clarity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109 Illuminating Your Intention................................................... 110 Supporting Your Breathing.................................................... 112 Putting your posture into the picture........................ 113 Filling yourself with air................................................ 116 Adding Quality to Your Voice............................................... 117 Articulating to be understood..................................... 118 Unlocking your jaw............................................. 119 Loosening your lips............................................ 120 Moving your tongue........................................... 121 Emphasising your points............................................. 121 Pitching................................................................ 122 Pacing................................................................... 122 Pausing................................................................. 122 Picking Words That Resonate............................................... 123 Adding gusto and passion........................................... 123 Cutting through the clutter......................................... 124 Bridging to stay on track............................................. 124
Chapter 8: Conveying Messages through Movements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Letting Your Body Do the Talking........................................ 128 Discovering the five silent emotional displays......... 128 Bringing your body into play...................................... 131 Responsive mode (Open/Forward).................. 132 Reflective mode (Open/Back)........................... 132 Fugitive mode (Closed/Back)............................ 132 Combative mode (Closed/Forward)................ 133 Putting Your Face into Your Message.................................. 134 Engaging with your eyes.............................................. 136 Moving your mouth...................................................... 138 Positioning Your Body for Best Effect.................................. 140
Part IV: Managing Communication Challenges.... 143 Chapter 9: Getting Yourself Out of Sticky Situations . . . 145 Dealing with Conflict.............................................................. 145 Seeking to understand other people.......................... 147 Asking questions to check your understanding................................................. 147 Analysing expectations...................................... 148 Recognising different perspectives.................. 149
Table of Contents Taking practical action................................................ 149 Watching for emotional triggers....................... 149 Controlling the situation................................... 151 De-escalating the conflict.................................. 153 Managing Difficult Behaviour................................................ 153 Treating people with respect...................................... 154 Showing that you care about people............... 154 Recognising people’s value............................... 155 Focusing on behaviour...................................... 155 Taking practical action................................................ 156 Concentrating on required outcomes.............. 156 Keeping your commitments.............................. 157 Being open and honest...................................... 157 Going for the win–win........................................ 157 Sticking to the point........................................... 158
Chapter 10: Negotiating with Finesse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159 Preparing to Negotiate: The Basics...................................... 160 Establishing your uniqueness..................................... 160 Gaining commitment in principle............................... 161 Aiming high.................................................................... 161 Setting Out Your Stall............................................................. 162 Letting the other side go first..................................... 162 Listing all your requirements upfront........................ 163 Defining clear goals...................................................... 163 Staying Focused During the Process.................................... 164 Being prepared to trade concessions........................ 164 Keeping the big picture in mind................................. 165 Respecting the relationship........................................ 165 Determining the consequences.................................. 166 Knowing who holds the power................................... 166 Considering all solutions............................................. 168 Summarising and clarifying as you go....................... 168 Closing the Deal...................................................................... 169
Chapter 11: Communicating Across Cultures. . . . . . . . 171 Respecting Cultural Differences............................................ 172 Stereotyping and generalising.................................... 172 Developing awareness of different cultures.............. 173 Appreciating norms, values and beliefs.................... 176 Acknowledging customs and religious practices..... 177 Being flexible................................................................. 178 Following the locals...................................................... 178
ix
x
Communication Skills For Dummies Understanding Context.......................................................... 179 Spelling things out: Low-context cultures................. 180 Inferring, suggesting and implying: High-context cultures...................................................................... 181 Avoiding the Pitfalls................................................................ 183
Part V: Communicating Across Distances.......... 185 Chapter 12: Communicating Successfully through Technology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187 Getting Your Email Etiquette Right...................................... 187 Appearing your best in emails.................................... 190 Thinking of your reader............................................... 191 Creating a distinctive and descriptive subject line.... 191 Registering a professional-sounding address........... 192 Keeping your formatting simple................................. 193 Watching for danger points......................................... 194 Making the Most of Social Media.......................................... 195 Representing yourself on Facebook........................... 196 Twittering and tweeting............................................... 197 Getting LinkedIn............................................................ 198 Employing Other Forms of Electronic Communication..... 199 Working your way around the web............................ 199 Keeping in touch with texts......................................... 200 Finding your voice through VoIP................................ 201
Chapter 13: Communicating over the Phone . . . . . . . . 203 Calling with Confidence......................................................... 203 Preparing in advance................................................... 204 Managing the opening efficiently................................ 204 Getting to your point.................................................... 205 Speaking clearly............................................................ 205 Asking for what you want............................................ 206 Dealing Professionally with Received Calls......................... 206 Picking up promptly..................................................... 206 Greeting callers cheerfully.......................................... 207 Offering to help............................................................. 207 Responding to callers’ needs...................................... 208 Putting people on hold................................................. 208 Listening with Care and Enthusiasm.................................... 209 Putting a smile in your voice....................................... 209 Confirming your understanding................................. 210 Closing the Call....................................................................... 211
Table of Contents
Chapter 14: Putting Pen to Paper for Positive Effect. . . 213 Re-Introducing the Art of Letter-Writing.............................. 213 Keeping the recipient in mind..................................... 214 Proofreading and revising before sending................ 214 Getting Your Personal Letters Right.................................... 215 Composing a condolence letter.................................. 215 Jotting an invitation...................................................... 216 Sending a thank-you note............................................ 217 Crafting Successful Business Correspondence................... 218 Keeping your letters concise...................................... 218 Sticking to the point..................................................... 219 Jettisoning the jargon................................................... 220 Writing specific official letters.................................... 220 Composing a letter of interest.......................... 220 Creating a CV cover letter................................. 221 Resigning in writing............................................ 222 Providing a reference letter.............................. 222 Sending thanks for an interview....................... 223 Sending a letter of farewell................................ 224
Part VI: The Part of Tens................................. 225 Chapter 15: Ten Top Tips for Speaking Face to Face . . . 227 Minding Your Attitude............................................................ 227 Engaging with Your Eyes....................................................... 228 Speaking Clearly...................................................................... 229 Putting Energy into Your Voice............................................. 229 Positioning Yourself for Best Effect...................................... 230 Listening with Willingness..................................................... 230 Letting Go of Negativity......................................................... 231 Feeding Back What You Hear................................................ 231 Paying Attention to Body Language..................................... 232 Minding Your Tone of Voice.................................................. 233
Chapter 16: Ten Essential Tips for Effective Communication. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 235 Treating the Other Person with Respect............................. 235 Knowing the Preferred Form of Communication................ 236 Thinking Before You Speak.................................................... 237 Talking Less and Listening More.......................................... 238 Asking Questions to Understand.......................................... 238 Minding Your Non-Verbal Behaviour................................... 239
xi
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Communication Skills For Dummies Handling Disagreements with Diplomacy............................ 240 Opening Yourself to New Ideas............................................. 240 Following Through on Promises........................................... 241 Recognising What’s Going On Beneath the Surface........... 242
Index.............................................................. 243
Introduction
M
ake no mistake: your ability to communicate with clarity, courage and commitment is your number one key to success at work and in your personal life. No matter how innovative your ideas, how sincere your feelings or how passionate your beliefs, if you fail to connect with other people and communicate in a way that persuades, inspires or motivates them, your efforts are going to be in vain. You’re never not communicating. Whether you’re in a deep sleep, in a heated debate with a colleague or in a text-a-thon with a friend, in today’s world of 24/7 communication you’re always sending and receiving messages. Some people are outstanding communicators, listening for understanding in addition to conveying their own clear intentions, whereas others struggle to connect with their own message as well as with other people. Great communication leads to understanding, intimacy and mutual appreciation. The good news is that you can develop and successfully apply communication skills, as long as you’re willing to commit to the process and practise. As my father used to say, communication works for those who work at it. If you want to be recognised as a committed and effective communicator, you need to concentrate and absorb the messages that people convey to you. As well as noticing the spoken words themselves, pay attention to the way the words are delivered. For example, does the speaker’s voice rise at the end of a statement, making it sound like a question? Is the voice soft and difficult to hear? Are the spoken words straightforward and direct, or do they convey uncertainty and doubt? How the message is conveyed contains the core of the message. When you’re delivering a message, make sure that your intention is clear and your delivery is congruent with your message. Your aim is to connect with the people you’re engaging with in order to achieve mutually satisfying goals and objectives.
2
Communication Skills For Dummies
About This Book As an American, married to a German, living in England and working with multicultural teams and individuals around the globe, I’m very aware of the influence of culture – including gender, race and nationality – on communication. Although I devote one chapter specifically to communicating across cultures, my primary focus in this book is on Western communication practices. Writing this book, I’ve been selective in what I’ve chosen to include, with my aim being to offer you ways of communicating to enhance your personal and business relationships. I explain how your attitude impacts on the content and delivery of your message. I describe how treating others with respect and establishing rapport increase your chances of creating clear and compelling communication. I show you how you can develop productive, profitable and positive relationships by listening with an open mind, being certain about the messages you want to convey and being prepared for challenging interactions. When you support the message you convey through words with body language – including gestures, expressions and posture, and voice – you increase your chances of communicating successfully. Whether you’re writing your message, speaking face to face or using the various forms of communication technology, this book encourages you to listen to what others have to say, treat everyone with respect, maintain a clear intention about what you want to express and convey your message in a way the receiver can understand.
Conventions Used in This Book Jargon can get in the way of clear communication and so I don’t use any in this book. When I introduce a new term, I write it in italics and then define what it means. The only other conventions in this book are that web and email addresses are in monofont, and the action part of numbered steps and the key concepts in a list are in bold.
Introduction
3
What You’re Not to Read The grey-tinted sidebars contain extra text, such as more detailed research information, that’s not essential to understanding the section in question. By all means skip these boxes if you prefer, safe in the knowledge that you’re not missing out on any essential tips or practical insights.
Foolish Assumptions Although making assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, I set out mine here for clarity. In this book I assume that you: ✓ Are interested in communication skills and want to know a bit about the subject. ✓ Want to improve the way you communicate. ✓ Are willing to reflect on what you read and put into practice the suggestions I offer. ✓ Expect the best of yourself and others.
How This Book Is Organised One of the coolest aspects about For Dummies books is that you can dip in and out as you please. You don’t need to read Chapter 1 to understand what’s coming next, and if you want to read the last chapter first, you can do so without ruining your enjoyment and missing out on any info. Whether you start at the end, jump into the middle or begin at the beginning, my hope is that you find what you’re looking for. Turn to the table of contents or the index if you’re in a rush to find out what you need. Otherwise, sit back, open the book wherever you want and enjoy the read. The following sections give you an idea of what to expect.
4
Communication Skills For Dummies
Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills In Chapters 1 and 2, I explore the range of benefits to you of clear and respectful communication and the value of knowing what you want to achieve and how to go about attaining your desired outcomes. Chapter 3 covers some of the different personal communication preferences that you may encounter.
Part II: Being Receptive to Others The thrust of this part is focusing on the person with whom you’re communicating. In Chapters 4 and 5, you discover how building positive relationships and listening actively without barriers, such as prejudice and judgement, leads to successful communication.
Part III: Putting Your Mind and Body into Your Message In this part you discover how your physical delivery in combination with your outlook can create clear, effective messages. I describe the impact of your attitude on communication (in Chapter 6) and how your voice (Chapter 7) and body language (Chapter 8) reflect your state of mind, perhaps unknowingly.
Part IV: Managing Communication Challenges This part offers you insights and techniques for communicating with clarity and confidence whatever the difficulties. I cover navigating your way through awkward situations in Chapter 9 and negotiations in Chapter 10, where one wrong word can create havoc. I lead you through communicating successfully with people from cultures different from your own in Chapter 11.
Introduction
5
Part V: Communicating Across Distances In this part I help you uncover methods of communicating through technologies, ancient and bang up to date. Chapter 12 describes using social media and email, while Chapter 13 involves the slightly less novel form of the telephone! In addition, if you want to communicate in the traditional way with pen and paper, you find how to compose correspondence that’s sure to impress in Chapter 14.
Part VI: The Part of Tens If you’re keen to cut to the core of communication quickly, begin with the two chapters in this part. Chapter 15 contains valuable hints on communicating in person and Chapter 16 is a concise overview of great communication skills.
Icons Used in This Book For sharpening your thinking and focusing your attention, I use the following icons in the pages’ margins: This icon highlights relevant stories about family members, friends, clients, colleagues or just people I’ve observed. I hope they entertain and enlighten you about the joys and sorrows inherent in communication. Here’s a chance for you to view communication from a business perspective. By putting communication into a business context I help you see where you can keep doing what you’re doing or perhaps make a few helpful changes. This symbol underscores a valuable point to keep in mind. This icon indicates practical and immediate remedies for honing your communication skills. Here you can have a go at putting theory into practice. I’ve designed these exercises to enhance your skills and turn you into a first-rate communicator.
6
Communication Skills For Dummies Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, but if you take note of the common errors that I place beside this icon you can steer clear of the worst. Other people have made these mistakes so that you don’t need to!
Where to Go from Here Each chapter of this book addresses a specific aspect of communication, from improving your listening skills to communicating efficiently through the written word, from appreciating different styles of communicating to establishing how to reach your communication goals. Although I’ve designed all the information within these covers to support you in being a top-flight communicator, not everything is going to be pertinent to your specific requirements or interests. So you can read this book in any order that pleases you and in your own time: what, when and where you want. If you’re interested in writing an impressive business-related or personal letter, turn to Chapter 14, and to discover the important impact of your attitude on communication, have a look at Chapter 6. If communicating across cultures concerns you, flip to Chapter 11. So kick off your shoes, sit back and prepare to pick up a few tips and techniques for becoming the superb communicator you deserve to be. I sincerely hope that you enjoy the journey and benefit from reading this book.
Part I
Honing Your Communication Skills
T
In this part...
his part sets you on the path to becoming an accomplished communicator. Here you can find out the essentials for connecting with your listener and building robust relationships. I show you how to present your case with clarity and conviction, and how to speak successfully with anyone at any time.
Chapter 1
Grasping the Finer Points of Great Communication In This Chapter ▶ Communicating with your whole self ▶ Seeking clarity at all times ▶ Treating other people with respect ▶ Dealing with awkward situations
Y
ou’re always communicating. Whether you’re dozing by the hearth on a chilly autumn night, praising your children for their successes at school or admonishing an employee for showing up late for work – again – you’re continuously sending out messages through your words, voice and body. Sometimes your communications are crystal clear, such as when your eyes are sparkling, your mouth is in a full-blown smile and you’re holding your arms out wide ready to embrace a returning loved one. But at other times you can convey an unintended message, such as appearing sad, angry or despondent when in fact you’re simply considering how to respond to a challenging situation. As a result, taking a level of control about how and what you communicate is vitally important in your personal and business lives. In this chapter you discover the fundamental points for communicating like a pro, which involves using more than just your mouth and the words you say. I guide you through preparing yourself mentally for conveying your messages clearly and connecting with others who have different points of view from yours. You also have a quick glance into the value of treating
10 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills other people with respect and taking the time to listen to what someone else has to say before coming in with your opinion. In addition, I provide a series of steps for handling difficult situations.
Using Your Whole Body to Communicate Great communicators aim to understand others before making themselves understood. They grasp not only what people are saying through their spoken words, but also recognise what others (and themselves) convey through body language, emotional responses and vocal quality. If you take one message from this book (and I hope you find many, many more!), remember that conveying information involves all aspects of your personality, your mind, your eyes and ears as well as your mouth and facial expressions, and how you stand, gesture and move your entire body.
Getting into the right frame of mind By getting into the right frame of mind I mean ensuring that you have a good attitude, and so let go of negative thoughts and beliefs that serve as barriers to accomplished communication. Ditch judgement and blame and think about how you want the conversation to proceed. (In Chapter 6 you find suggestions for checking your attitude.) Negative thoughts and beliefs that may hamper communication include: ✓ Finding fault with the other person ✓ Disparaging other people’s ideas ✓ Belittling individuals’ beliefs ✓ Ridiculing someone else’s point of view
Chapter 1: Grasping the Finer Points of Great Communication
11
Knowing what you want to achieve and being open to hearing what the other person has to say are the foundations for great communication. If the old saying ‘energy follows thought’ is true, whatever you focus on achieving in a conversation is what you can achieve. When you approach communication free of murky thoughts, you can let your linguistic wizardry steer you towards free and open relationships. Entering a dialogue with an optimistic focus heightens your chances of communicating successfully.
Putting your eyes and ears to work The best communicators have a keen sense of observation, paying attention to what they see and hear, keeping their perception antennae tuned and registering what they observe. They gauge accurately their surroundings and people’s behaviour, noting the mundane, the extraordinary and points in between. Here are some suggestions for improving your observational skills: ✓ Make eye contact with people you see, whether you know them or not, and observe how they respond. If they look back at you, they’re signalling that they noticed you and are observing in return. Be careful not to stare, however, because your interest may be misinterpreted by the other person. ✓ Watch how people move their bodies. You can tell if people are willing to engage with you – or not – by the way they move in your direction or pull away. Observe whether people are lethargic or energetic. Listen for the words they use and the pitch, pace and tone of their voices. These telltale signs often reveal more about people than what they say about themselves. ✓ Open your peripheral vision and take in a panoramic view of your surroundings. Let your brain receive and release ordinary things, to avoid excess analysis.
12 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills ✓ Eliminate distractions when you’re at work or interacting with others. Putting away your electronic devices when you’re with others enables you to notice what’s going on around you and so engage in more effective communication.
Communicating with Clarity Take a moment and consider just how often you communicate with people throughout your day and the importance of getting across your messages accurately: ✓ You write emails and use social media (the subject of Chapter 12). ✓ You speak on the phone (check out Chapter 13). ✓ You compose formal letters (which I discuss in Chapter 14). ✓ You participate in face-to-face meetings and debates with friends and colleagues (for a collection of essential hints, see Chapter 15). Your cave-dwelling ancestors only had to grunt, smile and frown to make themselves understood! (Which reminds me, to discover ways of physically speaking more clearly, turn to Chapter 7.) Today, the expanding forms and nature of communication put the burden on you to be clear about what you want and then communicate in a candid way so that your aims are clearly understood.
Sending a clear message If you’ve ever sat through a meeting, presentation or even a dinner-party conversation thinking, ‘What’s this person talking about?,’ ‘What’s the message here?’ you’re not alone. Without exception, every one of my clients shares tales of sitting through confusing meetings and presentations that are time-wasting experiences. To send a clear message you need a clear, concise idea of what you want to accomplish (as I describe in the later section ‘Being clear about your goals, needs and preferences’).
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Although this ‘core idea’ is what you want your listener to remember, you then need to back it up with lucid suggestions and unambiguous, structured and logical recommendations that your listener can grasp. In addition, you have to persuade others to buy into your message. Getting people to invest personally in your idea requires a bit more thought. The next time you’re sending a message to your team, boss or any stakeholder, create a story that provides both a logical and an emotional rationale for people to come on-board. This approach is an essential way to gain buy-in, because you’re ringing the bells of people who, like you, can benefit from your ideas and recommendations. People tend to buy on feelings and justify with facts, so by appealing to both their emotions and their intellect, you’re onto a winner. As you’re planning your message, think about your audience and what the individuals care about most. Make sure that you include the type of information expected by the other person, which for some may be facts and hard data while others prefer subjective opinions and feelings... Crunch the numbers, gather your facts and analyse how your findings support the core idea. Ensure that you supply only the necessary information to avoid boring or confusing your listeners. By sending a clear, concise and well-substantiated message, you stand a good chance of having your ideas accepted and acted upon. In Chapter 2 you can find lots of tips for sending clear messages.
Providing feedback As part of making sure that you’re understood at work, and in order to enhance people’s growth and development and improve their performance at work or at home, provide them with feedback. Given correctly, feedback can improve morale, avoid dispiriting misunderstandings and reduce confusion around expectations and performance. Appropriate feedback can help others improve the quality of their work and boost your interpersonal relationships with your employees.
14 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills Feedback: it’s rocket science! The German philosopher and psychologist Kurt Lewin (1890–1947) was one of the early proponents of group dynamics and action research directed towards solving social problems. Lewin pioneered the practice of T-group training, in which participants find out about themselves through feedback, problem-solving procedures and role play. The technique was first designed as a means of changing attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of individuals. The practice of sharing emotions, as opposed to making judgements or drawing conclusions, enables people to understand how the way they speak and behave
can produce specific emotional responses in others. Lewin borrowed the term ‘feedback’ from electrical engineering and rocket science. When a rocket in space sends messages to Earth, mechanisms receive and interpret the signals and then send feedback to the rocket in order that it can correct its position or make repairs. Lewin compared humans to rockets, in that people send out signals through their words, body language, actions and other behaviours. When receivers catch the signals, they respond through feedback that’s intended to adjust other people’s behaviour.
You can provide two kinds of feedback: ✓ Positive feedback: To reinforce desired behaviour. ✓ Constructive feedback: To address areas that need improving. Both forms of feedback are useful for improving and maintaining quality performance.
Providing positive feedback The following steps and example statements are a guide for offering positive feedback: 1. Describe the positive behaviour. ‘I thought you did a great job at the client meeting. You asked a lot of valuable, open-ended questions to understand the client’s needs and concerns and expressed interest in the issues they’re facing.’
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2. Explain why the behaviour is positive. ‘You treated the client with a lot of respect, and the way you built rapport through discovering similarities between you and them led to them opening up and offering us information we didn’t have before. This added data can help us design a winning proposal.’ 3. Thank and encourage the individual. ‘I want to thank you for your efforts. As long as you continue approaching clients in this way you’re going to have great success in this business.’
Giving constructive feedback People frequently shy away from providing constructive feedback because they’re concerned about upsetting the other person. That’s not surprising because this type of feedback usually focuses on what people did wrong or could do better, instead of what they did well. If feedback is not constructive, the message won’t be received or may even be perceived as an insult. The difference between criticising and providing constructive feedback is in the intention and the way the feedback is delivered. Constructive feedback provides information about performance and behaviour based on objective standards. Delivered properly, recipients feel positive about themselves and their work. Criticism tends to be personal and subjective. For example, if you were to say, ‘Your presentation was a mess. Your content was a jumble of unrelated points, impossible to follow and no one could hear what you were saying,’ you would be criticising without offering any constructive comments. Instead you could say, ‘You had a lot of information in your presentation, some of which was difficult to follow because the points seemed unrelated. In addition, your voice was hard to hear. The next time I suggest you structure your content in related groups, and practise in the room where you’ll be presenting to make sure the people in the back row can hear you.’ Constructive feedback aids the person receiving the information while criticising only points out what’s wrong without offering concrete advice on how to improve.
16 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills The purpose of constructive feedback is to provide as clearly and accurately as possible: ✓ Encouragement ✓ Support ✓ Corrective measures ✓ Direction The following guidelines help you provide constructive feedback at work, so that it has value for the recipient and for your organisation: 1. State the purpose of your feedback. Briefly say what you want to cover and the reasons why it’s important. If you’re initiating the feedback, explain that you’d like to offer some feedback and make sure the feedback topic means that the recipient doesn’t have to guess what you want to talk about. If the other person has asked you to provide feedback, a focusing statement makes sure that you’re addressing the expressed need. You can start off the feedback session with statements such as: • ‘I’m concerned about. . .’. • ‘You need to know that. . .’. • ‘I want to discuss. . .’. • ‘I have some concerns about. . .’. • ‘I noticed that when you. . .’. • ‘I was pleased to observe that you. . .’. Feedback is frequently offered to help improve performance, but it’s also useful for reinforcing positive behaviour. 2. Relate what you specifically observed. Have in mind a certain event or behaviour that you can address, including when and where it happened, who was involved and what resulted. Stick to your own personal observations and don’t speak for others. Avoid generalities such as ‘always’, ‘usually’ and ‘never’. For example, perhaps say, ‘At yesterday’s marketing meeting I noticed that you raised your voice when you were speaking to Robert.’
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3. Describe your reactions. Tell the other person what consequences they can expect as a result of their behaviour and how you feel about it. Give examples of how the actions affected you and others, such as ‘The support team looked embarrassed and I felt uncomfortable when you shouted and denigrated their efforts. Name-calling and shouting are unacceptable behaviour in this office.’ By describing your reactions to the behaviour and the potential consequences, people understand how their behaviour impacts on individuals and the organisation. 4. Allow the other person to respond. After you’ve spoken, remain silent and look the person in the eye. This behaviour indicates that you’re waiting for a response. If the other person remains silent you can elicit a response by asking an open-ended question such as: • ‘What do you think?’ • ‘How do you view this situation?’ • ‘What’s your reaction to my comments?’ • ‘Tell me your thoughts about this.’ 5. Provide specific suggestions. Offer practical, viable and reasonable examples that can help people improve their performance. When you give suggestions you’re showing that you’ve moved on from your evaluations and are looking to improve the situation. No matter how well people are performing, they can benefit from further ideas to do even better. Only offer an idea, however, if you think the other person is going to benefit and find it useful. For example, you can say, ‘Kelly, rather than telling Michael that you’re not interested in the details of his proposal, you can ask him about his ideas that most interest you.’ 6. Summarise and express your support. Go over the major points you discussed and summarise the action items to lead to improved performance. Focus on what the other person can do differently in the future and finish up on a positive, encouraging note by expressing your confidence in the person’s ability to improve the situation. For example, ‘As I said, the group looks up to you and feels confused and upset when you speak
18 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills to them harshly. I know that you want to create a positive atmosphere among the new members of staff and I have confidence in your ability to create a happy and productive environment.’ By summarising, you can check that your communication is clear and avoid misunderstandings. In addition, by showing your support at the end of the feedback session you finish on a positive note.
Being clear about your goals, needs and preferences If your goals are uncertain and have a tendency to change, you can’t expect others to understand what you’re trying to communicate. After all, trying to nail down the moving target of ever-changing goals and expectations is a worthless exercise. Also, when you’re unsure about what you want to accomplish, how can you expect to convey a clear message to others? Clear goals are crucial if you, your clients and your colleagues are to communicate successfully. In any relationship, whether at home or at work, letting others know your needs and preferences is vital if you want them met. Instead of hiding what you really want, and waiting for others to come up with the correct guess, owning up to what works for you saves time and clarifies communication. Stating your needs and preferences in a non-threatening way enhances communication by clarifying expectations. Frequently, you hear people say, ‘Oh, I don’t care,’ ‘Whatever you want’ or ‘You decide,’ leaving the decision-making responsibility on the shoulders of the other person. But other people can end up making decisions that work for them and aren’t what you want at all. Instead, articulate what you need and what your preferences are so that you create your own satisfying result. Failing to speak out and asking for what you want can lead to strife and resentment. To avoid feeling deprived, disappointed and dissatisfied, express your needs and preferences clearly, knowing that you have the right and responsibility to speak up for what you want.
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Chapter 2 addresses the importance of knowing what you’re communicating and provides hints and tips for conveying your needs and preferences. Some cultures discourage open expression of personal preferences. Check out Chapter 11 for more about communicating with people from different cultures.
Distinguishing between personal and business conversations Essential to communicating with clarity is knowing the type of communication you’re involved in and acting appropriately. If you employ an unsuitable approach, you give off mixed signals, creating confusion and possibly offence. Personal and business communication is different in several ways, including form, content and purpose. In personal conversations you can afford – and are expected – to be informal, casual and relaxed, adjusting your tone of voice depending on whether you’re speaking to a child, a friend or an aged relative. In business conversations you’re focused on a subject that has professional implications, requiring a more formal tone and wording as you seek to further your career goals. Although you may use slang and even be a bit crude when talking to a friend, you’re looked upon with suspicion if you speak that way against the formal backdrop of an office environment. When you enquire about a client’s golf game, a customer’s child or a colleague’s ailing parent, you’re demonstrating a polite interest without crossing into personal territory. The simple rule for business conversations is to keep the tone professional and the purpose clear. Of course you can speak with trusted colleagues or business relations in a casual manner as long as the conversation is appropriate for the environment.
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Displaying Respect for Other People Effective communication requires the people involved to trust one another, which means that respect is needed on both sides. Listening with the intention to understand, appreciating other people’s opinions and making efforts to detect and adopt others’ communication preferences are all part of showing respect.
Behaving respectfully Being aware of the impact of your actions on other people and recognising the fundamental worth of individuals is at the heart of behaving respectfully. If you keep in mind the rule ‘treat others as they want to be treated’, you’re well set to treat people with respect. Behaving respectfully doesn’t mean that you have to like or agree with the person, organisation or institution you’re engaging with. Instead, you have to bring integrity, honesty and truthfulness to all your relationships, including, but not limited to: ✓ Valuing the opinions of others. ✓ Listening to others before expressing your point of view. ✓ Appreciating people’s privacy. ✓ Treating people with kindness, courtesy and politeness. ✓ Never insulting, name-calling or disparaging people or their ideas. ✓ Never belittling, demeaning or patronising others. ✓ Treating people consistently and fairly. ✓ Praising more frequently than you criticise. If you want others to respect you, you have to respect them. Turn to Chapter 5 for the benefits of treating people with respect.
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Listening with an open mind Listening properly is fundamental to communication and behaving with respect, and it’s an active exercise rather than something that just happens. Good listeners concentrate and put effort into understanding the spoken words and underlying feelings that individuals are communicating. Listening with an open mind means focusing on the person speaking and closing the door on prejudice, preconceptions and assumptions. When you listen with an open mind you’re willing to be influenced by what you hear and consider the merit in what someone else is saying. Self-discipline is an essential element of listening with an open mind because it stops you from anticipating what your conversational partner is going to say and jumping to conclusions, a common behaviour. When you do so before hearing the other person out, you’re bound to find yourself in a mire of misunderstanding. The hardest time to listen with an open mind is when you’re receiving a message you don’t want to hear; for example, when your boss is debriefing you on your behaviour at a client meeting where you contradicted the agreed approach. Here’s when you have to muster up all your reserves of selfcontrol to avoid pushing back against a message that makes you want to squirm with shame, anger, embarrassment and any other uncomfortable feelings you can think of. Although listening with an open mind can sometimes be tough and testing, doing so is worth the effort. I list a few barriers to open-minded listening below with some examples to help clarify. You may notice that many are interrelated and more than one can happen at the same time: ✓ Judgemental listening: The receiver listens with the intention of determining whether the speaker is right or wrong. Nigel is talking about problems he’s having with one of his valued employees. He admits that he fired the guy without having anyone to replace him. Nigel’s wife, Ros judges him and thinks to herself, ‘Well, that was a stupid thing to do.’ By judging Nigel’s behaviour, she’s closing herself off from listening to his feelings and concerns.
22 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills ✓ Distorted listening: Here the receiver listens through filters, such as personal prejudices, that distort what the speaker is saying. Andrea is talking about her new friend, Lynne, who’s a lesbian. One of Andrea’s work colleagues, Al, has a distorted image of ‘those kinds of people’ and thinks ‘If she’s hanging out with her, she’s setting herself up for big trouble.’ What Al fails to hear are all the good things Andrea has been saying about Lynne. ✓ Stereotype-based listening: The listener has built-in prejudices that get in the way of receiving the message. John, head of a global team of engineers, is speaking with Maria, one of the clerical workers on the project. Maria makes some insightful observations, which Nigel fails to hear because he thinks of her as ‘just a clerk’. ✓ Resistive listening: Some people have an immediate aversion to ideas that aren’t their own. They can also be so conservative in their views that they see anything that challenges their thinking as the enemy. Fiona is a member of the church choir. When the new choirmaster proposes that the choir include some modern hymns in their repertoire, Fiona thinks to herself, ‘Why can’t people just leave things as they are?’. ✓ Interpretive listening: In this instance, people use their own life experiences and beliefs to interpret rather than understand what the other is saying. Henry is talking about the problems he’s having with his father. His friend Susan, a big fan of Freudian psychology, laughs and says, ‘Ah, another case of the Oedipus complex. Why don’t you stop competing with your father for your mother’s affections and get on with your life?’ Her filter of psychological theory colours her hearing. ✓ Past-behaviour-based listening: Here listening is based on a person’s past experiences of the speaker, not allowing for the possibility of change. From Seb’s experiences of Angie during the time he’s known her, he expects her to complain about everything. Even when she’s doing her best to change this behaviour, he hears her complaining no matter what she says.
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✓ Attraction-based listening: The receiver connects the truth of what someone says to how attractive – or not – the receiver finds the speaker. Emma thinks George is attractive and whatever he says sounds good to her. She finds David unappealing and so his opinions always sound foolish. Open-minded listening avoids these traps as much as possible. I say ‘as much as possible’ because even the best-intended people are influenced by the various cultures that colour their lives (such as family, country, religion and so on). These cultures spawn filters, or ways of seeing the world, that inform beliefs, opinions and points of view. The most accomplished communicators accept that they grow up with filters, but still do their best to concentrate on what other people are actually saying. Open-minded listening isn’t the same as approving of what the other person is saying. For example, when I listen to my friend Rick’s ideas about politics I seldom approve of his point of view. I do, however, aim to listen with an open mind with the intention of finding out something I hadn’t considered before. For more tips on remaining responsive to new ideas and using open-ended questions, as well as other essentials on communicating effectively, go to Chapter 16.
Connecting with different types of people No two people are exactly alike. Although some are more similar to you than others, everyone has their own unique way of seeing and making sense of the world (which is something you can exploit during negotiations, as I describe in Chapter 10). Your ability to connect with different types of people affects the quality of your communication and determines the success or failure of conveying messages and being understood. In order to connect successfully with people who are different from you, you first need to want to connect. When you take the trouble to understand your own personality type and preferred method of communicating and discerning those of others, you bring a powerful dynamic to your relationships, allowing for better understanding and communication.
24 Part I: Honing Your Communication Skills In Chapter 3 you gain insights into the benefit of engaging with people who are different from you.
Handling Challenging Communications At some point in your life, if it hasn’t happened already, you’re going to come up against a situation filled with the potential for challenging communication. Whether you’re facing a make-or-break interview, dealing with a disgruntled individual or ending a long-term relationship, you can make the best of a bad deal by being mentally prepared. When you take the time to figure out what may be coming, you avoid the negative nervous energy that courses through your veins when you’re unprepared. Dealing with people’s difficult behaviour – whether they’re your most valued client who’s really angry with you or your best friend who’s finding fault with the way you behave after one drink too many – requires you to take the following steps to smooth things over and leave the other person feeling satisfied: 1. Fine-tune your way of thinking. When you realise that someone is presenting you with a challenge, get into that person’s mindset and point of view. Put aside any negative feelings about the situation or the other party and focus solely on them and their feelings about the situation. 2. Listen actively. Give people time to air their grievances and be heard. Perhaps say something along the lines of, ‘Tell me what happened’ or ‘Tell me what’s upsetting you.’ By speaking this way you subtly form a partnership between you and the other person and indicate that you’re ready and willing to listen. Avoid jumping to conclusions or trying to solve the problem. With this step you’re aiming to encourage the other party to tell their story. (You can pick up more tips about active listening in Chapter 4.) 3. Repeat the expressed concerns. By clarifying your understanding you’re sure to address the right issue. If you’re uncertain, ask questions to identify the dif-
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ficulty correctly. Make sure that your tone is calm and your language is objective. By rephrasing what’s been said, you show that you’ve been listening and focusing on the situation that needs to be resolved. 4. Demonstrate empathy. Show through your words, tone of voice and body language that you care about how the other person feels. (You can find out how your body language can calm troubled waters, as well as how the way you use your voice can comfort listeners, in Chapter 8.) 5. Offer a solution. If you have an idea how to resolve the problem, let the other person know and then follow through. If you’re not sure what’s necessary to improve the situation, or if the other person resists your offer, ask for their suggestions. As long as you show willingness to resolve the problem, you stand a good chance of successfully addressing the challenge. 6. Confirm what you’re going to do and follow through. When you’ve addressed the challenge, take immediate action (you can find ideas for managing tricky situations in Chapter 9). Aim to go above and beyond expectations to change a difficulty into a win– win result. (In Chapter 10, I offer you suggestions for handling challenging negotiations.) 7. Learn from the feedback you receive. Identify how the problem began and what made it escalate. By getting to the root of the problem and fixing it immediately, you may be able to avert challenging communications in the future. If you can’t do that, at least you now have the skills for dealing with them. If all else fails in a challenging situation, keep calm and carry on, practising the preceding steps.
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Chapter 2
Knowing What You Want to Achieve In This Chapter ▶ Addressing what’s important to you ▶ Considering your listener’s needs ▶ Dealing with roadblocks that impede your success
I
f what you see every day in shops and cafes is representative, a lot of people need to work on their communication. Plenty of people appear to think that communication consists of talking at people and hoping that some of what they say sticks. You’d never guess that the purpose of communication is to convey clear messages that other people understand. Often the problem is that speakers aren’t clear even in their own minds of what they want to achieve, and so unsurprisingly they fail to communicate in a way that makes sense to those listening (see Chapter 4 for more about listening). Listeners misinterpret messages because these speakers fail to consider two points: ✓ What they want to happen as a result of delivering their message. ✓ How to deliver their message in a way that listeners can grasp. In this chapter I show you how to create a purpose for communicating and take you through expressing your ideas in a clear, concise and concrete way. You discover how to create and convey a coherent, compelling, credible and complete message.
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Communicating with a Clear Intention The best communicators communicate with intention. They know what they want to accomplish and they’re willing to do what they need to do in order to achieve their goals. Before they open their mouths they set themselves a purpose or plan, something to aim for. Having visualised a desired outcome, they communicate in ways that resonate with their listeners. (Chapter 4 explores how to listen for understanding, and Chapter 5 addresses connecting with listeners.) When you know what you want to achieve and your message is focused and stated so that your listener can relate to it – rather than being confused or threatened – you can communicate with confidence and composure. With intention you gain control of your goals as well as your conversations. To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, ‘A good intention clothes itself with power.’ Here are some possible intentions that you may have when speaking: ✓ Establishing rapport ✓ Communicating respect ✓ Delivering value to enhance the lives of your clients, colleagues, friends or family members ✓ Changing a conflicting atmosphere into a co-operative one ✓ Overcoming your listeners’ hesitancy to accept your ideas ✓ Offering reassurance ✓ Gaining information ✓ Selling an idea, concept or yourself ✓ Giving and receiving feedback Your intention gives your communication direction and determines the outcome. In this section I share some tips on speaking assertively, getting your meaning clear and committing to it: in other words, saying what you mean and meaning what you say.