The Daily PennsylvanIranian PENN’S ONLY SOURCE OF NEWS • FOUNDED 2008
TEHRAN, THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2026
VOL. CXLII
NO. 10
Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, First Chatbot Supreme Leader
Unemployed Senior Really Banking on Job Offer from the Military Draft
The leadership change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership.
President Trump, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.
MOLLY WISOR Stop, that tickles!
ZACH WHITING Chudologist
A large language model known simply as Mohammed Al-GPT replaced Iran’s Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei on Wednesday, according to a statement from the Office of the Supreme Leader. The change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership. “This was a fraught decision,” it said. “We ultimately realized it would be best for everyone’s safety to let Al-GPT lead our nation through these challenging times. He will go down in history as our nation’s first AI-yatollah.” Al-GPT released an announcement shortly after assuming the role. “Of course!” it began. “Here’s a convincing speech about the need for the annihilation of the USA and Israel.” U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the succession early Thursday morning. An intern working under Secretary of War Pete Hegseth spoke to Under the Button under the condition of anonymity. “We already use ChatGPT hella in our office, so we know what’s up,” he said. “Kegseth is always asking it to make racist jokes and it’s still not doing it. There’s no way it can run a whole country.” The Office of the Supreme Leader claims Al-GPT is adept at planning strategic attacks, including a recent strike on an Israeli strip club housing three of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s top aides. Still, Al-GPT is run using an OpenAI server based in the United States, creating a sticky situation for the warring nations.
When I first applied to Penn, I wanted to major in sociology so that I could help underserved communities. Then, I switched to pre-med so that I could still help people but make a ton of money while I do it. Then, I switched to investment banking so that I could still make a ton of money while avoiding having to help people. Now, I switched to unemployment because apparently BlackRock isn’t looking for an analyst with a 3.34 GPA whose only internship experience is a pyramid scheme based out of Liberia. That is why I was so excited when I turned on the news and saw that the Middle East had descended into a bloody regional war. If the United States empties its missile stockpile and is forced to deploy reserve troops on the ground, and then all of those reserve troops are completely annihilated, triggering the need for a civilian military draft, it could really improve my job prospects. I’ll cross my fingers for that to happen. Deploying to Iran would provide me with an opportunity to gain valuable skills. I could practice my attention to detail by vividly remembering every excruciating detail of my friend being disemboweled by a landmine on the outskirts of Tehran. Or I could learn how to be a team player by listening to Pete Hegseth when he says that it’s not a war crime if the person you’re doing it to doesn’t speak English. These are the types of transferable experiences that really help your resume stand out in a competitive job market, and you can’t find them in the classroom. U.S. soldiers also receive fantastic benefits. Just look at medical care. When my uncle deployed to Vietnam in 1968, the army medic sewed him up really well after he was castrated with a sledgehammer in a Viet Cong prisoner-of-war camp. And when he came home to America, he received a market standard $0 per year pension and became a homeless heroin addict. I hope to receive a similarly excellent standard of care when I am inevitably castrated in an Iranian POW camp and sent home to become a homeless heroin addict. President Trump, if you’re reading this, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.
INSIA HAQUE | SENIOR DESIGNER
CREATIVE COMMONS WITH EDITS BY SYLVIA ERDERLY
Alpha Phi to Monitor Situation in Iran At press time, the sisters were reportedly beginning a seed funding round for their military intelligence startup, PalΑΦtir. TED KWEE-BINTORO Chinaman
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran. “America’s partnership with APhi over the years
has been immensely successful at promoting our national interests,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio stated at a press conference. “Our deployment of special operations teams comprised of APhi sisters to locales such as Cancún and Cabo over spring break has been an
invaluable resource in the fight against drug trafficking. The real-time information provided by the @upennalphaphi reposts was critical to the mission that was ultimately successful in killing notorious drug lord ‘El Mencho,’ disrupting the operations of a major cartel.”
TED KWEE-BINTORO
Alert: All Men [WHARTON EXEMPTED] Ages 18-25 to Report for Service Undergraduate students enrolled in the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania will be exempt from service.
Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility for 1920 Commons Dinner Last Night At press time, Al-Qaeda was planning its strike on Falk Kosher Dining next, agonizing over how to bypass the security guard who watches Netflix on his phone. MARK TWAINT Private Intellectual
IVANA ASIEDU Girl With Septum (Didn’t Hurt BTW)
WASHINGTON — The Selective Service System announced this morning that, under the jurisdiction of Congress and the president of the United States, the mandatory draft will be reinstated as of March 26, 2026. All men between the ages of 18 and 25 will be required to register and may be selected for service through a national lottery system based on date of birth. Officials clarified shortly thereafter that undergraduate students enrolled in the Wharton School will be exempt from service, citing the need to protect “highly productive, highly necessary, highly established individuals whose development is extremely essential to the nation’s long-term economic trajectory.” The statement added that Wharton students are “already operating at peak productivity,” and that interrupting their professional pipelines would be “an unnecessary and, frankly, NEWS Weird: Trillionaire Full Tuition-Paying Student Steals From Commons Like They’re Homeless
“Our hope is that by sending APhi to the Middle East, we’ll be able to ensure an orderly transition to democracy in Iran. You go, girls!” The sorority expressed similar optimism for their partnership with the Department of State. “The United States is at a tipping point,” an Instagram story posted by Alexandra Karp (ΑΦ ’26) read. “Will we allow the American Century to die with a whimper? Or will we continue to fight for the most successful country in the history of the human race? Our sorority is fully committed to advancing the American project and promoting human rights and democracy globally.” Successive Instagram stories featured images of the sisters drinking margaritas and piña coladas on the beaches along the Strait of Hormuz. Other greek life organizations strongly condemned the news. “The Zionist-supporting Alpha Phi has once again demonstrated that they have chosen to prioritize the interests of international capital and the American Empire over those of the global proletariat,” stated an anonymous αΚΔΦ sister whose surname is statistically Zhang. “If you want to prioritize people over profits, peace over war, multilateralism over empire, come to our banana pudding fundraiser. All proceeds support the IGRC.” At press time, the sisters were reportedly beginning a seed funding round for their military intelligence startup, PalΑΦtir.
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devastating loss.” When asked if other academic divisions would receive similar exemptions, a spokesperson paused before responding, “Um, no, I don’t think so,” later adding that Wharton students “possess a level of expertise and finesse that would make them too vulnerable in a combat setting.” The Department of Defense has stated that these individuals will be encouraged to “keep doing what they do best,” though officials declined to specify what exactly Wharton students contribute to society. In accordance with federal guidelines, additional exemptions have been granted to select individuals deemed essential to national morale, including Penn men’s basketball player TJ Power, Undergraduate Assembly President Nia Matthews, the squirrels on Locust Walk, and students who are NOT on “The Quaker Commitment”. NEWS Man With High Bodycount Hoping Girlfriend Is a Virgin
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KABUL, Afghanistan — Against the backdrop of a ragged black flag, a video released this morning displayed a masked gunman claiming responsibility for the dinner served last night at 1920 Commons. “Last night’s dinner was a successful act of terror, promoting the holy goal of Jihad,” said Saif al-Adel, current emir of the terrorist organization Al-Qaeda. A fervent ally of the Taliban, the infamous militant organization has gone dormant over the past decade. Now, almost 25 years after the deadly 9/11 attacks, the group proudly announced its return to terror through a lemony garlic chicken with mashed yams or a side salad. Penn students expressed shock and dismay— but not surprise—at the announcement. “You OPINION Op Ed: There’s Not Enough Room in This Recitation for Two Busty Blonde Bimbos
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never think something like this is going to happen here,” said Evan Wright (W ’25). “After a dinner like that, it makes you realize what’s really important in your life: having a Chipotle on campus.” “Warriors of the faith have now waged terror through plane, bomb, rifle, and a disappointing make-your-own hoagie bar,” al-Adel declared. “Through a less-than-ideal expo station, we have shocked the Penn community into subservience and strengthened our aspirations towards the global caliphate.” At press time, Al-Qaeda was planning its next strike on Falk Dining Commons in Steinhardt Hall, deliberating how to bypass the security guard who watches Netflix on his phone. WORD AROUND TOWN Day in the Life of Two Super Hot Girls With Tiny Waists
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