PENN’S ONLY SOURCE OF NEWS • FOUNDED 2008
PHILADELPHIA, THURSDAY, MARCH 27, 2025
VOL. CXLI
NO. 10
Larry Jameson STUNS in New Email PHOTO FROM PENN TODAY
Response From Penn Board of Trustees to Recent Federal Funding Cuts
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump’s DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
JACK KRAMER Still Thinking About Ukraine
UTB STAFF
Oh man, we’re so sorry. We did not see this coming. The plan was to fight the Office of Civil Rights to defend our position, but holy moly they took so much money. They took so much money. What now? We’re gonna have to make some changes because there’s no way we can lose more money with this Title IX stuff. Item one, we’re gonna have to find Lia Thomas and detransition her. We know this looks terrible, we know this looks terrible, but we hear from the NCAA that this is the only way to get our money back — money for life-changing research. So we got a team on her, and we’re going to make sure she is no longer able to destroy all of civilization with her swimming. Next thing — Jesus Christ guys, these Jews. These Jews… we gotta give them something. So every dining hall is going to be kosher from here on out. Say goodbye to oyster night at Hill, scrap lobster rolls from Commons, and we’re gonna have to revamp much of Bento, probably a lot more avocado rolls. Because it’s not just shellfish and kosher rules,
a lot of stuff hurts their stomachs, so that’s gotta go as well. Fried food, most red meat, anything with too much salt, spicy food, all gone. And we’re gonna throw in a little treat for these Jews because we don’t just want to not lose money, we want a little extra as well. Thus we will be unveiling Penn’s Amazing Plan to Celebrate Our Jews in All Their Semetic Glory Forever. Here is the plan: McNeil will now be a synogogue, because nobody uses it anyway. The Huntsman building — it's now the Yeshiva, also because nobody uses it. We will be amending most of the Kelly Writers House programs to include Talmudic study or otherwise Torah-related events. And the final change: Larry Jameson is now Larry Jameschvitz, baruch hashem. We hope these changes will benefit our community and lend us a little breathing room in the endowment for better snacks at the Huntsman Yeshiva and research or whatever. We value our long-standing partnership with the federal government wherein they spank us for being naughty and we do whatever they want.
Hustlers University to Absorb Penn Amid Funding Cuts
Following the recent overhaul of Federal Funding, Penn is taking drastic measures to ensure its financial longevity. Thankfully, Penn’s students are taking the lead on these measures, rectifying past wrongs and removing liberal ideologies from all corners of campus. The most prominent of these social warriors are those of Zeta Psi (“Zete”) Fraternity Incorporated. While neatly tucked away into a corner of 34th and Walnut streets, they he-plural have been diligently implementing common-sense logic into their hisplural daily activities for years and years now. Zete knew this day was coming. Long before this era of renewed morality and faithful Christianity, the brothers knew they had to take proactive action against destructive change. This unspoken line of thought permeates through the brain tissue of even the most detached, irrelevant brother, like a prophecy saying that one day they would have been right all along. Like a pat on the back from Daddy or a shot of Everclear from underneath the bar. If you want to marvel at the accomplishments of these fine gentlemen, here are some tips to better
your visit to their humble abode: Keep your ratio good. The men of Zete take great care to ensure women feel comfortable in their home, so they keep them in good numbers locked in their bedrooms so they can’t mix with anyone else. Don’t worry — none of them are men wearing dresses. Except during the wedding mixer (in a cool, ironic way). Enjoy the decor. Lining the hallowed halls of this institution are the ghosts of Zete past: composite photos. Before taking one home as a souvenir, remark at how consistent the brotherhood has been over the years. Nothing says unity like a shared identity, both on the inside, and the outside. But particularly the outside. Don’t mention that bathroom incident. What am I even talking about? At the end of the day, many on campus are relieved to know that there’s at least one organization on which we can always rely. While university administration may fumble, the brothers of Zete always maintain a logical mind, a mind which they all love a lot, and love to love. Intimately. Before going to bed each night. But in a totally cool, not gay way.
“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme BENJI ELKINS Strava Influencer
CONNOR MEIDT Chief Doomscroller
PHOTO BY JETT BOLKER
In an unexpected move, Penn announced that Hustlers University, founded by Andrew Tate, would be acquiring all University assets and properties. President Larry Jameson commented, “It just makes sense for the financial position the university is in right now. Hustlers University’s mission statement aligns with many of our views, and we look forward to the direction Hustlers U will take with the University of Pennsylvania’s resources.” The action came after a round of funding cuts for the university left administrators puzzled as to the future of the institution. Internet personality and multi-trillionaire Andrew Tate allegedly approached the college with an “exciting opportunity to expand their portfolio, build
an NFT empire, and become part of a community of hustlers uncovering secrets to escaping the matrix.” University officials were dumbfounded by such an excellent opportunity and immediately agreed to a buyout. Hustlers U assured current students that they could remain enrolled if they so choose, but a number of changes would still be coming. By the spring 2026 semester, Tate plans to rename The Wharton School of Business to “The Musk School of Cryptocurrency and E-Commerce.” Many majors will be added to fit the brand of Hustlers University, such as dropshipping, podcasting, and day trading. Only time will tell if this acquisition can transform a college of losers and nerds into true Top Gs.
Falk Kosher Dining apologized to the Penn community last night for this week’s café theme: “Embracing the Two Plate Solution.” Recognizing Falk Dining as a watering hole for students across all backgrounds, the initiative sought to bring students together for dinner which, this month, coincides with the traditional Iftar meal that breaks the Ramadan fast. Kitchen staff apparently workshopped the disastrous theme for months before settling on it. Other proposed themes included “That’s a (chicken) wrap on fasting!” and “There might be a famine there but there's plenty of food here!” However, both were deemed as flippant and summarily rejected. “We wanted the slogan to foster a feeling of peace and welcoming,” said Falk Chief of Staff Jeremy Hardinger. “What's more welcoming than two servings of food instead of one?” However, the chosen slogan was still generally received as tone-deaf by the Penn community.
Regular patrons at Falk Kosher Dining expressed their discomfort with the announcement: “It was a spit in the face — I’d rather them spit in my food.” said Moshe Rabinowitz (C ‘27). Avid chicken-wrap fan, Mahmoud Awad (W ‘25), said he fervently agreed. Both students planned to draw up a joint condemnation to post on their respective political action Instagram accounts. “In a way, we kinda did our job,” said Hardinger when pressed for comment on the student body's unified condemnation. Surrounded by disgruntled students wearing both kippahs and hijabs, Hardinger seemed blissfully content. “You know, we kind of did it perfectly,” he said with a smile. At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced “from the river to the sea.” Apparently, they meant the Delaware.
IJK:?E" ' 7D: ( 8;:HEEC 7F7HJC;DJI 7L7?B78B;
Fb[Wi[ YedjWYj ki \eh Z[jW_bi WdZ je iY^[Zkb[ W jekh *((* 8Wbj_ceh[ 7l[$ r .))#)(,#&(*& r ^[bbe6j^[b_dZ[d$b_\[ ALWAYS ACCURATE, RARELY TRUE
ONLINE AT UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM
CONTACT US: 911