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The Post of Pennsylvania THE ONLY INTENTIONALLY SATIRICAL PUBLICATION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA • FOUNDED 2008

PHILADELPHIA, THURSDAY, APRIL 4, 2024

VOL. CXL

NO. 11

UTB FOR PREZ Our official election campaign

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University Unsure Whether to Investigate Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against the Occupation PAPAPAPAPAO will be allowed to continue activities until the University figures out exactly which side they stand on, said a Penn spokesperson TED KWEE-BINTORO 50% Wasian, 50% on MATH 2400 Quiz

Trisha Paytas Announced as 2024 Wharton Graduation Speaker Associate Professor Patrisha Paytas in full OSCAR EICHMANN Model, Activist DESIGNS BY THE PoP

The University may open an investigation into Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against Penn Students Against the Occupation of Palestine, more colloquially known as Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against Penn Against the Occupation (PAPAPAPAPAO), tentatively allowing the group to organize events in Pennaffiliated spaces until the probe has commenced. Penn’s Center for Community Standards and Accountability may lead the investigation into PAPAPAPAPAO, an anti-pro-anti-pro-Palestinian student organization, depending on whether preliminary findings determine that the group’s existence poses a threat to the feelings of Penn’s donor base. “We tried to remove them from Penn Clubs,” wrote a representative from the Office of Student Affairs, “but their name didn’t fit into the search bar.” A spokesperson for the Center for Community Standards and Accountability explained that “student leaders

and organizations are expected to behave in accordance with the Code of Student Conduct. With respect to Penn Against the Penn Occupation… Penn Against Penn Against… fuck. Whoever these people are, we’re gonna get them. Unless they fall in line with donor-sponsored orthodoxy. Then we won’t get them.” Mohammed Goldstein (C ‘26), a student activist who requested anonymity, expressed concerns that the University’s potential investigation was merely a front to stifle speech freedoms. “What we stand for goes beyond Penn’s campus. No matter how much they try to silence us, our message will endure. And besides, why single us out? There are plenty of other clubs to investigate. What the hell is Penn Lions hiding underneath all that?” At press time, we tried to reach out for comment but were informed that we had inadvertently reached out to Penn Against Penn Against the Occupation.

Late last night, via Instagram live stream, Wharton Dean Erika James announced that Trisha Paytas will be the Commencement speaker for the Wharton Class of 2024. Paytas herself made an appearance on the live stream. Referencing the art form for which she is most known, she cosplayed as Dean James, much to her satisfaction. When asked if Paytas’ outfit was problematic, James responded plainly: “It’s context-dependent.” Paytas’ status as the proliferator of religious messaging serves well to give new graduates hope in a time when media outlets are describing, “faith under fire.” Well-versed in Biblical verses, Hebrew, and the Israel-Hamas conflict, Paytas will impart her nuanced opinions upon all attendees. Paytas’ newborn, Malibu Barbie Paytas-Hacmon, whose Jesus-like status as the second coming of the late Queen Elizabeth II, is said to contribute to Paytas’ contemporary teachings. These

ideas align well with WH2010’s mandatory study of the Frenemies Podcast, allowing all Whartonites to see that there truly are two sides to every coin. Paytas is also expected to perform a musical number at the ceremony. While not known for her live performances, Paytas is said to be departing from her traditional venue of her Los Angeles kitchen floor to celebrate the new graduates. Paytas’ famed mukbang, however, will not make an appearance on the day. The President’s Office is banning drive-thru establishments from catering the event on account of, “not being fit for Wharton graduates.” When asked for comment, Paytas’ interest in the ceremony was unclear. Seemingly thinking that Penn was a Jewish day school, she remarked: “Mazel tov, lil grads! L’chaim and like literally mashallah, diva.” Live stream of Paytas’ speech will be available at @blndsundoll4mj.

The End of Satire! Entire Writing Staff of Under The Button Brutally Murdered Execution Style in Front of The Button Your favorite satire journalists dead at 45

come

closer DESIGNS BY THE PoP

ALWAYS ACCURATE, RARELY TRUE

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JORGE RODRIGUEZ Chiller, Skinny Chair, Better Than You

In a bizarre and shocking turn of events, the entire writing staff of Under The Button, the beloved satirical publication of the University of Pennsylvania, met their untimely demise in a scene straight out of The Other Boleyn Girl. Witnesses describe the ordeal as chilling execution-style murder, right in front of the button. “It was like something out of a horror movie,” said one shaken bystander, who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw them lined up, hands tied behind their

ONLINE AT UNDERTHEBUTTON.COM

backs, as a group of shadowy figures approached. Then, bam! They were gone.” Authorities are baffled by the motive behind the massacre, with some speculating that it may have been an act of revenge from disgruntled targets of the publication’s satire. The tragic event has sent shockwaves through the University community, with many mourning the loss of the irreverent humor that Under The Button brought to campus life. Now, they are all six feet under… the button.