Shalom Bayis Conduct During Arguments 4
Conduct During Arguments
Conduct During Arguments Argument
When the spouses harbor negative feelings towards each other, usually as a result from a particular incident
Conduct During Arguments
Which couples argue? All couples — including those happily married
Conduct During Arguments The difference: Happily married couples have a healthy perspective and conduct themselves appropriately during arguments
Argument Damages relationship
Doesn’t damage relationship
— Depends on how the couple behaves —
Conduct During Arguments Two fundamental principles: Keeping things in perspective Rules of arguing
Conduct During Arguments Keeping things in perspective
Remember yesterday and look forward to tomorrow
Give disagreements only the amount of attention they deserve as a temporary hurdle that must be overcome
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing How should we behave during an argument? Even during an argument there are rules What (not) to say
What (not) to do
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing Hurtful remarks
1
Never say anything hurtful or humiliating Disrespect
Cynical comments
Humiliation
Criticism
And the like
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 2
Speaking about the extended family
Don’t speak negatively about spouse’s family Brothers
Parents
Grandparents
Children from previous marriage
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 3
Abuse
Any form of abuse, from either spouse, has no place in the relationship Physical
Financial
Verbal
Religious
Emotional
Sexual
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing Identifying red flags of abuse
Temper Possesiveness
Being put down Control
Dishonesty
Disrespect
Walking on eggshells
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing What should I do if I’m being abused? Discreetly seek help and proper support
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 4
Total disregard
Don’t close up defiantly and completely ignore other spouse
Not to be confused with saying you want to take a break so you can calm down
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 5
Threats and punishments Never threaten or punish the other spouse in any form!
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 6
Exploiting weaknesses
Never bring up sensitive information that the spouse shared with you in a personal moment
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 7
Discretion
Never share personal information about the spouse or relationship with someone else
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 8
Don’t get overwhelmed
Continue with routine family tasks and plans despite the argument going on
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing 9
Never mention the option of divorce
Conduct During Arguments Rules of arguing When the other spouse transgresses one of the rules: Gently bring their attention to this boundary violation Clarify your own boundary of not allowing it to continue
Conduct During Arguments How does an argument begin?
Break from the routine Routine Something gets messed up We try making a bridge The bridge doesn’t work
Conduct During Arguments
Goal is to come away from an argument with a reinforced knot in our relationship