Shalom Bayis Conflict Resolution
3
Conflict Resolution
Conflict Resolution Conflict When the values, needs, desires, or opinions of the couple aren’t aligned and they clash
Conflict Resolution Conflicts occur in every marriage and in all stages of life
This is true both with happily married couples and those who aren’t happy
Conflict Resolution The difference:
Do they know how to confront the conflict appropriately?
Do have tools for resolving the conflict?
Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles Fundamental principles
1
2 Conflict is normal
3 Marriage is a partnership
Personal space vs. shared space
Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 1
Conflict is normal
Conflicts are completely normal and they aren’t a reason for panic
שהרי,חילוקי דעות – הוא עניין טבעי האדם באופן ש'אין-הקב"ה ברא את בני אפשר (ואין- וממילא אי,'דעותיהן שוות .צורך) לפעול דעה אחידה אצל כולם )357 '(התוועדויות תשמ"ט ח"א ע
חילוקי דעות כיו"ב מצויין ברובם ככולם וסיבתם דרצה השם,דכל בני ישראל .ובראם באופן דאין דעותיהם שוות )242 ' צדיק למלך ח"ז ע,(מכתב מהרבי
A difference in opinion is normal since Hashem created human beings in a way that no two people share the same opinions. And in any case, it isn’t possible (or necessary) for everyone to have the same opinion. (Hisvaaduyos 5749 vol. 1, p. 357)
A difference in opinions is found amongst most of Bnei Yisrael since Hashem wanted to create them so that no two people have the same opinions. (Letter of Rebbe — Tzadik Lamelech, vol. 7, p. 242)
Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 2
Marriage is a partnership
Spouses are equal partners and neither has more influence than the other
Conflict Resolution 3 fundamental principles 2
Personal space vs. shared space
Each spouse does not have the right to force themselves into the other’s personal space
Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse
What are the benefits and disadvantages of each spouse having independence?
Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse
What is the opposite of independence? One spouse feels stifled
Both spouses feel stifled
Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse What causes lack of independence? Blame Excessive sacrifice Difficulty using ‘I’ approach
Thinking it’s up to the other spouse to change
Conflict Resolution Independence of each spouse
How does it look? Emotional stress What the other spouse does annoys me
Conflict Resolution
How do we resolve a conflict?
Is giving in always the best option?
What do we want the situation to look like after the resolution?
Conflict Resolution We strive to reach a mutual agreement that is comfortable and appropriate for both sides
Many are the sayings of our Sages, including also our Rebbes of saintly memory, who urge husband and wife to discuss matters of mutual concern and to give attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement. (English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)
Conflict Resolution After each spouse expressed their stance, each one should explain why they want it specifically that way
What
=
Stance
Why
=
Interest
The reasoning can be a convincing factor
Conflict Resolution A resolution by incorporating both interests:
Wife
Husband
Stance
Stance
Interest
Interest
Resolution
Conflict Resolution Resolution through compromise: (If the previous method wasn’t successful)
Wife
Husband
Stance
Stance
Resolution
Making a “deal”
Classic compromise
Exchange conflicts
50/50
Conflict Resolution Compromise The proper perspective on compromise Of course, since G-d has created human beings with minds and feelings of their own and these are not uniform in all, peace and harmony can be achieved only on the basis of “give and take,” that is, meeting each other halfway. For a husband and wife to make concessions to each other is not, and should not be considered, a sacrifice, G-d forbid. On the contrary, this is what the Torah teaches and expects, for we are talking about concessions that do not involve compromise in regard to the fulfillment of Mitzvos, and both of you are of the same mind that the laws of the Shulchan Aruch must not be compromised. Furthermore, to achieve true peace and harmony calls for making such concessions willingly and graciously — not grudgingly, as if it were a sacrifice, as mentioned above, but is the realization that it is for the benefit of one’s self and one’s partner in life, and for one’s self perhaps even more, since it is made in fulfillment of G-d’s Will. And if our Sages exhort every Jew “to receive every person with a friendly face,” certainly one’s wife or husband. (English letter of the Rebbe — dated 12 Menachem Av 5737)
Conflict Resolution Compromise
Between “compromising” and “giving in”
Conflict Resolution Compromise Being inflexible vs. compromising When a person can be flexible and when not A “Yesh” on the inside, Bitul on the outside
Conflict Resolution Compromise Being inflexible vs. compromising Yeshus
Bitul
I’m in charge, I’m inflexible
Hashem is in charge, I’m flexible
Conflict Resolution Giving in When and how it is proper to utilize “giving in”: In a stressful sudden problem As a “gift” and “deposit”
In exceptional cases
From a place of strength (and not as submission or because no other choice)
לוותר בהכל — צריך עיון גדול אם תוכל אין,)לקיים זה בפועל (או — בעלה מצידו … וספק אם גם יועיל,לזה גבול
It is unlikely that you will be able to follow through with completely giving in. It has no end, and there is a question whether it will even be effective…
)50 ' ע, 'מבית המלכות' ח"ב,(מענה כ"ק אדמו"ר
(Maaneh of the Rebbe)
Conflict Resolution Summary Stages of the dialogue:
Presenting the stances (and reflection)
Explaining the interests and attempting to convince
Resolution by incorporating both interests
Resolution through compromise
Realization that there isn’t agreement
Ending the conflict
Conflict Resolution Power struggles
Arguments in married life — good or not good?
Depends when and why
Conflict Resolution Power struggles
In the beginning of marriage
Functions of this stage:
Feeling completely compatible
Fond memories
Romance
Shared dream
Unconditional giving
Foundation of intimacy
Conflict Resolution Power struggles The stage of disillusionment — "Struggle of Powers"
Functions of this stage:
Arguments, disagreements
Learning how to deal with conflict
Blaming
Creating personal space
Feeling that nothing will ever be the same again
Breaking free from illusion
Conflict Resolution Power struggles
Between “power struggles” and “ego struggles”:
Scope of the struggle
Goal of the struggle