Shalom Bayis Communication
2
Essential Tools for Marriage The toolbox
3 fundamental and central tools to deal with difficult circumstances in married life
Communication
Conflict resolution Conduct during arguments
Essential Tools for Marriage
Communication Within a Marriage
Communication Communication
How we relay information to each other — through speech, facial expressions, or other methods
Communication What to avoid 3 forms of communication to be avoided in a marriage:
Criticism Blame Cynicism and sarcasm
Communication What to avoid Forms of communication that can ruin a couple’s conversation:
Opening aggressively Defensiveness
Communication What to do How good communication looks:
Open
Feel comfortable to discuss everything
Clear
Without relying on hints
Precise
Spell out even small details Don’t expect spouse to pick up on their own
Communication Avoiding criticism Criticism
Relaying to our spouse, with any form of hint or expression, that something about their behavior or character isn’t as it should be
Communication Avoiding criticism Criticism makes the spouse feel: Hurt
תמיהני,"אמר רבי טרפון אם יש בדור הזה שמקבל אם אמר לו טול.תוכחה אמר לו,קיסם מבין שיניך "טול קורה מבין עיניך ) ב,(ערכין טז
Insignificant
Unaccepted
Rabbi Tarfon said: I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who can receive rebuke. Why? Because if the one rebuking says to him: Remove the splinter from between your eyes, i.e., rid yourself of a minor infraction, the other says to him: Remove the beam from between your eyes, i.e., you have committed far more severe sins. (Erchin, 16b)
Communication Avoiding criticism Good communication
Discuss everything
Don’t criticize
How do these coexist?
Communication Avoiding criticism Non-confrontational communication:
Between ‘blaming’ and a ‘trigger’
If my spouse is at fault — I’m being taken advantage of
If my spouse does something that triggers me — It’s my choice how to react
The gain: the resolution is in my hands
Communication Avoiding criticism
How to discuss everything, and at the same time — without criticism:
The “I” approach
Communication Avoiding criticism Describe how I experienced the event Relay what I felt Add how I would like future behavior to look
Define the feeling Anger is only a secondary emotion
Communication Avoiding criticism List of negative emotions
Indifferent
Longing
Helpless
Foolish
Distressed
Sad
Empty
Loss of self
Worried
Distrust
Mad
Guilty conscience
Nervous
Resentful
Unhappy
Rejected
Lack of confidence
Despaired
Tense
Lazy
Complacent
Closed
Depressed
Lack of selfesteem
Pained
Inferior
Insulted
Misfortune
Communication Avoiding criticism Threatened
Crushed
Insecure
Heavy
Alienated
Jealous
Broken
Afraid
Neglected
Hopeless
Failure
Disconnected
Self-pity
Bored
Disappointed
Condescension
Lack of selfworth
Angry
Hostile
Sensitive
Exhausted
Apathetic
Shocked
Anxious
Uptight
Tired
Disgraced
Confused
Blamed
Weak
Suspicious
Disgusted
Fallen
Haughty
Lonely
Betrayed
Hysterical
Begrudged
Embarrassed
Panicked
Communication Avoiding criticism We shouldn’t try to change our spouse, so even the ‘I’ approach should only be used for:
A specific behavior (not a general personality)
At a specific time Only what affects the relationship
Communication Avoiding criticism Responding to “I”:
When our spouse informs us of something that bothers them, we should accept it with empathy and understanding (without becoming defensive) and if necessary, apologize for having caused the discomfort
Communication How to Avoid Negative Emotional Responses 4 steps to our response in any circumstance:
Event
Interpretation
Feeling
Reaction
Communication Focusing on the emotion The above model works less for some people or circumstances
In those cases, use the ‘I’ approach: Speak directly about the feeling
It is painful for you / me This is how I feel when…
Communication Listening How to listen properly: Focused with undivided attention
Don’t suggest solutions
Actively listening
Reflection
Don’t interrupt
Allow yourself to be influenced
Empathy and understanding
Communication Four cycles of time Four cycles of time: 1
Time with myself
2
Time with spouse — as friend
3
Time with spouse — intimate
4
Time with spouse — marital relations
Communication Four cycles of time Time with myself:
Options:
Hobbies
Rest
Alone or with friends
Communication Four cycles of time 2. With spouse — as friend
2 minutes at beginning of day – share each other’s plans for the day
20 minutes at end of day – speak over cup of tea
5 minutes sometime during day – find a way to express your appreciation to your spouse
Communication Four cycles of time 3. Intimate time with spouse
Provide physical gestures of closeness daily (when permitted)
2 hours each week – do an activity with only you two together
Communication Four cycles of time 4. Marital relations
The cycle of marital relations should include three aspects:
Feelings – affection, attraction
Intimacy – emotional closeness, deep sharing, physical closeness
Physical – touch that arouses, comforts, calms, and gives pleasure