TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
101 THINGS TO SAY & DO DURING DIFFICULT INTERACTIONS
“We hear and we forget; we see and we remember; we do and we understand”
~ Chinese Proverb
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Help Balance Drama & Resistance
▪ “I disagree with what you did, not with who you are.”
▪ “It is not you against me; it is us against the problem.”
▪ “Let’s not do this – this won’t help the situation.”
▪ “I’m not sure I agree with your understanding of ___, please tell me more.”
▪ “We are on the same side.”
▪ “In my experience. . .” [can anyone argue with your experience?]
▪ “That just doesn’t sound like something you would say and I am confused as to how I should respond.”
▪ “I can assure you we have similar goals.”
▪ “I don’t want to do this with you, we are both better than this behavior.”
▪ “I can see how upset you are with me; I hope you know how much I value working with you.”
▪ “It’s hard for me to admit that I’m wrong; thank you for helping me through this misunderstanding.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Resistance Continued
▪“I am at a loss; I have no idea what to do right now except to tell you that I want us to get along.”
▪Limit your use of the words, “never, always, but, actually, the truth is, and unfortunately.”
▪“I noticed” – This is not an evaluation message, but rather a descriptive one. “I noticed you have been leaving work early this week.”
▪“I understand why you need to leave when I get tense; I am sure it is uncomfortable for you to experience me like that.”
▪“It sounds like you have been through a lot; I will keep good thoughts for you.”
▪“Maybe we should just be/work together without talking for awhile.”
▪Avoid trapping others with statements ending in “YOU.”
“You’re going to finish that project tonight aren’t YOU?”
▪“I understand how you might see it that way and you may be right; I guess I didn’t experience it like that.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Tension & Help Detach from the Drama
▪“I understand how you might see it that way and it may be true; I just don’t feel like it happened like that.”
▪“You might be right.”
▪“That could be how it occurred for you, however I experienced as...”
▪“That’s too bad you see it that way.”
▪“Please know I hear and understand you.”
▪“You could have a point there.”
▪“Everyone is entitled to their opinion.”
▪“I am sorry you feel things aren’t going the way you would like.”
▪“Yes, that’s one opinion; I guess we each experience things differently.”
▪“My understanding of the situation is a bit different.”
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context
▪Replace “no” with “yes” - “Yes you can go on break, as soon as Bob gets back from his.”
▪“I disagree with what you did/said, not with who you are.”
▪“It isn’t you against me; it’s us against this issue and we are in this together.”
▪State your positive intention - “It’s important for us to work together well and I am eager to resolve our differences on this matter.”
▪“I didn’t intend to imply that everything was your fault; I know we were both responsible for what happened.”
â–ŞSave face for the other person by sincerely owning the issue at hand
“What have I done to cause this tension between us?”
“I want a better relationship with you, what can I do to make sure this happens?”
▪“Please don’t give up on me; we are a team and we need to stick together.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Conflict by Changing the Context Continued
â–ŞWhen an insult is hurled your way, thank them for caring
“I am glad to see you are upset about this because it shows that you care about this project.”
▪Offer a partial “recording” of the conversation – repeat what they said, by paraphrasing their words in a new tone.
“Yes, I have been late every Tuesday to the 9am meeting…”
â–ŞTurn complaining [what they do] into asking [what you want them to do]
“She is unprofessional.” turns into, “I would like her to refrain from making personal calls at work.”
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Drama by Reducing Urgency & Help Defer Your Response
▪“Please know I need some time to sort out what is going on between us and I will talk to you about it when I am ready.”
▪“Let’s stop what we are doing to one another right now and work on calming down.”
▪“Why don’t we think about our conversation, cool off and talk about it again later.”
â–ŞAsk people to put their complaints in writing; this will sort out the minor complaints from the real problems.
▪“We seem to be stuck at the moment; can we try this again tomorrow/later?”
▪“You gave me a lot to think about; you’ll get my answer in the morning.”
▪“Let’s come back to this one.”
▪“You bring up an interesting sub point; let’s take it offline and address it one on one after the meeting.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Discord by Rerouting with a Question
▪Ask a question regarding a consequence of their behavior, “What happens if we don’t order the parts by Friday?”
â–ŞName their game
“You wouldn’t be trying to kick me off of this copier would you?”
▪“Rather than complaining about my behavior, can you help me understand what you’d like me to do?”
▪“What makes you ask?”
▪“Are you asking me if xyz?”
▪“You seem to know a lot about the situation; do you have any practical solutions to the issues you are raising?”
▪“I want us to get along; what can I say or do to make it right with you right now?”
▪“How would you feel or react if someone said/did…”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions
▪“Next time” demonstrates how to behave towards expectations
“Next time I would appreciate it if you’d tell someone when you need to leave work early.”
â–ŞShow acknowledgment and move on to the solution
“Thank you for sharing and I understand what you are saying; NOW we need to...”
▪Avoid saying you can’t
“Let me see what I can do; It looks like we have a few options here…
▪“I feel ___ When you ___. What I need is ___. Are you able to work with me on this?”
▪“How are you going to resolve this issue?”
▪“When do you expect to resolve this matter?”
▪“How can we change this?”
â–ŞLink the cause and the effect
“When you visit with your co-workers your work doesn’t get done.”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Problems by Focusing on Solutions Continued
â–ŞHighlight what is at stake for the other person
“Once we resolve this miscommunication, customer service should increase and your department will have a lot less work.”
▪“What can you do to ensure this gets accomplished?”
▪Use an if/then sequence of speaking, “IF our team is to function in a healthy manner THEN you must keep us informed.”
▪“What would you like to do about that?”
▪“How do you think we should approach this in the future so we don’t end up arguing about it again?”
▪Focus on problems created when rules are broken and state what you’d prefer. “When you use sarcasm with me and are short with me, our trust diminishes; I would like for us to get along and respect one another.”
▪“How might you best handle this?”
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message
▪“I am feeling upset right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to take it out on you. I do need your assistance. Is it a good time to meet?”
▪“I want you to know that I would never speak to you the way you are speaking to me right now.” [be direct and honest because awareness can change behavior]
▪“You don’t have my permission to be in conflict with me right now.” [remember: staying calm and emotionally detached while speaking, allows your words to be heard]
▪“You should know that I am not going to let you continue speaking to me this way and I may need to get up and leave.”
▪“I understand you are upset, however, it’s hard for me to find a solution when I am spoken to this way.”
▪“I would like you to hear where I am coming from; it doesn’t mean you have to agree with me.”
▪Use a “stop” gesture [by holding out your palm] to communicate your intention to disengage from an unhealthy interaction.
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Balance Challenging Conversations by Reinforcing the Message Continued
▪Describe their behavior in a factual way by focusing on the person’s behavior rather than labeling them as a person
“I’d like to make this work but I can’t focus on helping you when you continue to yell at me/act this way.” Rather than, “You are acting like a crazy person!”
▪ “Here’s what I am able to do right now to help with our misunderstanding…”
▪[Fact] “When you interrupt me,” [Feeling] “I feel frustrated that my point goes unheard, [Awareness] “I thought I should bring it to your attention/point it out/make you aware of it.”
▪Address inappropriate language or behavior with one of the following responses: “please reconsider what you just said; would you like to repeat that; what, I’m sure I didn’t hear you right; use different language please.”
▪ “I’d be happy to help you once we can focus on the issue.”
▪“I need you to know that even if you don’t agree with me, I feel hurt when you don’t take me seriously.”
â–ŞGive them two options and let them choose their own alternative. [each option is acceptable to you]
TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Make Use of a Feeling/Need Language Sequence
▪ Manage Behavior – “I am feeling overwhelmed b/c everyone seems to be talking at once and I need to know that you all hear what I am saying and understand the course content.”
▪ Respond to Emotions – “So you are feeling frustrated about your grade and need to know if you are going to pass the class?”
▪ Offer Praise – tell them what they did specifically/how it made you feel and what need it met for you.
▪ Solve a Problem – “I feel confident about this solution… what do you need to best work with me?”
▪ Compromise – “I am feeling stuck on this issue and need to know you are committed to attending class. Can you email me when you know you are going to be absent?”
▪ Relate - “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated/nervous/upset and you might need a break to calm down.”
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Remind Them of Rules and Policies & Help Them Create a Win
▪“Our code of conduct doesn’t support this kind of behavior/response.”
▪“The organizational process for doing this is…”
▪“It’s good to learn these skills because in the near future we will be…”
▪“As you advance in your career, it is a good idea to be mindful of…”
▪“I used to do/say that too, and then I realized/learned that it was not effective here.”
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Responses that Gather More Information & Ask For More Details
▪“Could you say more about that?”
▪“What do you mean?”
▪ “Help me understand this better…”
▪“How did you come to that conclusion/determine that?”
▪“I think I heard you saying __________. Is that correct?”
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TOUCAN “TALK THE TALK”
Response that Communicates a Clear “No”
Be Succinct:
1] Acknowledge the other’s feelings: “I can see you are frustrated for having missed the new policy information during your absence.”
2] State your position: “The new policy is also online and quite clear and I want to remain fair to it for consistency with the staff.”
3] Say no: “So no, I am not going to allow you to do it the old way.”
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