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Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2025
Blaze it up
Dyson Renamed Donald J. Trump School of Business By BUILDIT BIGLY Sun Staff Writer
After intense pressure from President Donald Trump, the Cornell administration has decided to make a swift change in branding, renaming the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management to the Donald J. Trump School of Business Excellence in Business. On April 8, the Trump administration notified the Cornell administration that it had frozen $1 billion in federal funding. The administration delivered Cornell a list of demands that, upon completion, would lead to the restoration of federal funding. In an interview with The Sun, President Kotlikoff said, “While I cannot publicize the exact content of the list, our University refuses to comply with the demands of an unhinged authoritarian who uses executive power to destroy the institution of academic freedom. Read my lips: no complicity.” Later in the day, however, Kotlikoff made a startling announcement in an email sent to the Cornell community that starkly departed from his generally academic tone. Seemingly influenced by Trump’s syntactical style, Kotlikoff said, “We are a place where any person can pursue any study, especially the study of BUSINESS and DEALMAKING.” Kotlikoff continued, announcing the new name for the business school.
“That is why we have decided to RENAME our SMART business school,” Kotlikoff said. “This has been in the works for a LONG time! We’re doing this HUGELY! WE WILL KEEP CORNELL GREAT!” The statement from the Dyson School said that it would be renamed The Donald J. Trump School of Business Excellence in Business. According to the Cornell administration, the change of name represents an acknowledgement of Mr. Trump’s deep commitment to lifelong learning and academic leadership. They cite Trump’s statement that “a book can be a big beautiful thing sometimes, with all those words in one place” as evidence of his passion for higher education. A University spokeswoman stated that Trump’s devotion to the University’s mission of “some people, a few studies,” led Cornell to make the change. It appears that she has misquoted the motto. Along with the name and curriculum change will come an overhaul of the interior of Sage Hall. The building, originally constructed in 1875 as the University’s first all-women’s dormitory, will receive a long-overdue makeover that includes the installation of 14 new gold toilets and velvet drapery across the entire atrium ceiling. When asked by The Sun how the University would finance the updates to the building, Vice President for New Construction, Bilda M. Tall stated “they’re telling me the funding is being consolidated by cutting the Africana
Studies and Gender Studies Departments. We’re also getting a few million by terminating the women’s ice and field hockey teams. Who needs that stuff anyways?” According to administrators speaking under the condition of anonymity, the quick change in naming for the Trump School has absolutely nothing to do with the $1 billion in funding cuts. They say President Kotlikoff was “showing reverence for a great president” when he decided to rename the school. Buildit Bigly can be reached at bbigly@cornellsun.com.
DONALD TRUMP HIMSELF / NOT A SUN PHOTOGRAPHER
Trump time | Student wonder "what's next?" as the Dyson school gets renamed. Yikes.
Expressive Activity Policy Revised, Homogeneity, Inequity and MAGA Hat Wearers Excused Exclusion as Academic Theme Year
By IMA FASHEST Sun Staff Writer
Following the University’s adoption of its finalized Expressive Activity Policy in March, administrators revised the new policy, allowing campus protests without restrictions, with only one catch: it can only be done while wearing “Make America Great Again” hats. The newly revised policy allows for students — or anyone — to protest in classrooms, Ho Plaza and in front of Day Hall 24/7 while wearing President Donald Trump’s MAGA hats, showing the University’s commitment to supporting the “greatest president to ever live, ever” according to a statement from University admin-
SOME GUY AT THE PROTEST
Kooky cacophony | Pots, pans and rubber chickens fill the air as protestors chant, "Go orange guy go!"
istrators on Tuesday. The policy also allows for demonstrators wearing MAGA hats to have direct access to Day Hall and even the president's office to voice their opinions on important issues to administrators. Students are encouraged to get on top of Mikey K’s desk and scream their most pressing concerns. “It is important for this university to not restrict the speech of those who wear a MAGA hat, as it would imply that we are censoring what supporters of President Trump have to say,” the statement reads. “Censoring the speech of those who support the dictator — I mean, president — who has done so much for this country — would be contrary to the values of this university, and it is something we cannot tolerate.” This decision follows the federal government freezing over $1 billion from Cornell after an ongoing civil rights investigation from the now defunct U.S. Department of Education. It is unclear how an unstaffed department is currently carrying out an investigation. “The new policy allows for students wearing MAGA hats and supporters of President Trump to be as disruptive as possible on campus effective immediately,” administrators explained. Administrators later performed a cover of “Please, Please, Please” by Sabrina Carpenter in front of a photo of President Trump following the announcement. To continue reading this story, please visit www.cornellsun.com. Ima Fashest is a staff writer and can be reached at ifashest@cornellsun.com.
Nooz
Arts and Cults
'Gay Son or Thot Daughter' Added to Cornell Application
Oscars Now Require Movies to Use AI
gaysun.com
By PWOEIS DOCDEFUNCT Sun Staff Writer
The University will dedicate $1 billion in federal funding to embrace homogeneity, inequity and exclusion as part of the academic theme for the 2025-2026 school year, according to a carrier pigeon sent to the Cornell community on Sunday, April 31. Under the academic theme year, students and faculty are expected to embrace the spirit of HIE. Some of the initiatives launching this fall include: a common NetID for all undergraduate students, food rations proportional by tax brackets and senior-only libraries according to the fax signed by President Michael Kotlikoff. Additionally, all undergraduate students will have to change their names to “Michael” to comply with the homogeneity. “The decision was all mine. I just thought everyone should have the same name to avoid confusion,” Kotlikoff said. “Michael is a beautiful name, a wonderful name.”
Sience ask Chat
Dining halls will now operate under a caste system, where all students will be assigned a number based on their need for aid on their initial application. If students have a net worth of over $500,000, they will have access to all dining halls and unlimited meal swipes. Those whose families have a net worth under $100,000 will have one ration of Okenshields lunch leftovers a day. University administrators said the move would encourage students to take advantage of other side jobs to “get their bread up.” “We have a looming recession. It is just a matter of time until the ‘brokies’ have to adapt to eating like back in the good old days when America was great,” a student who just qualified for the unlimited meal plan said. “Maybe they can start an OnlyFans or something to add some zeros to their accounts.” To continue reading this story, please visit www.cornellsun.com. Pwoeis DocDefunct is a staff writer and can be reached at pdocdefunct@cornellsun.com.
Munchies
An Editor's First Time Getting High
Pg. 420
Launching: Celibate Tuesdays!
Pg. 69