Parenting and Personal Development (Part 2)

PARENTING AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT BY MICHAEL SALL (PART 2) Many well-meaning parents often want to control a child’s behavior too much and for far too long. Of course an infant needs to be controlled. He can’t survive any other way. But what happens when that infant starts to walk and talk? He begins to think and learn. As he gets older and builds a reservoir of experience, he thinks for himself more and is capable of making more and more decisions. So naturally, as he gets older he will depend less on you and more on himself. This growth process is normal and healthy. In much the same way we can’t get stronger without exercising our muscles, so too must a child be challenged with his own decision making in order to grow, get stronger, and hopefully wiser. The number of decisions he makes increases exponentially with age. As this happens, a parent should reduce oversight proportionally. You would not think of allowing a 4 year old to decide what preschool to attend. By the same token, neither should you try to decide for an 18 year old what college to attend. Unfortunately, many parents get stuck thinking of their child the same way year after year and thus are far too slow in allowing him to assume an appropriate level of responsibility. The oldest children in most families can confirm this. They often report that their younger siblings had it easier than they did, and they are correct. Why? Because by the time the second or third child reaches a given age, most parents realize they were overly protective with the first, and so they ease up on the younger one. Allowing a child as much independence as possible is an emotional growth hormone that is necessary for him to become independent, think for himself, and be self-assured in a wide range of environments. As a child grows he will often move in a different direction than we might have chosen for him. But unless he is being truly self-destructive, let him go where he wants. You certainly can discuss your ideas and choices, but if he remains unconvinced, get behind his. The surest way to healthy growth is simply to let your child be who he is, not what you imagine he should be or what you think will make him happy. Let nature take its course. A child has rights. His right to privacy should be recognized and respected in the same way you would want him to respect yours. Cell phones, computers and other property can contain very personal information. Unless you have evidence that your child is planning something harmful to himself or others, you should never invade his privacy. If you do, you are sending a signal that it is OK, and it will appear to him that crossing any boundary is acceptable. It is not. While I am on this subject, let me disabuse you of one of the great fictions of parenting. Many believe that they should only be a parent, not a friend. If you adopt this posture for too long, you will undermine many worthwhile goals, and deny you and your child one of the great rewards of parenting, a lifelong friendship. The younger a child is, the more of a parent you must be. But as he grows and begins making decisions for himself, there is a gradual shift. The parental authority component begins to fade (as it should), and the friendship begins to grow. Your council and your companionship will continue to be solicited, but not under that umbrella of parental authority.