Spectador Issue 2026

Bacchanal moved to Baker Athletics Complex

BY ELIJAH SEGAL,

INICA KOTASTHANE, AND ANAND SHUKLA-PAREKH Staff Writers

On April 1, Columbia University Ceremonies announced that this year’s Bacchanal, the traditional spring student-led concert, will be held at the Robert K. Kraft Field at Baker Athletics Complex. This announcement follows a highly publicized reversal of Ceremonies’ decision to host commencement at the Baker Complex this past February. After heavy student backlash and student council intervention, administration made the uncharacteristic decision to acquiesce to student demands. However, it appears that administrators have returned with a vengeance with the following announcement released late in the witching hours:

“Dear Members of the Columbia University Community, We are writing to let you know that after careful deliberation and consultation within our administration, the result of a productive dialogue is the

decision to move Bacchanal 2026 to the Baker Athletic Complex.

We are too aware of the disappointment this may cause among students. However, given the unique considerations characteristic of an on-campus concert, the decision to move is final, and not subject to appeal by the student body.

Our ratonale is as follows:

1. Given the 20 percent increase in student enrollment, there is a real and present danger posed by increased body density in the Morningside campus space.

Typical activities at Bacchanal involve “moshing,” doing “the worm” poorly, and “throwing it back for the huzz,” all of which could cause serious harm in an overcrowded environment.

2. The abysmal record of the Columbia Lions Football Team necessitates the creation of an alternative use case for the Robert K. Kraft Field, to justify our continued investment in its upkeep (as there is clearly no point maintaining it for the team).

3. Bacchanal-related noise

causes a significant sound disturbance in Morningside Heights, inconveniencing the early bedtimes of the majority of our tenured faculty.

Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience to the student body. But we’re being for real about the location. No take-backsies like last time.

No regards, President Claire Shipman”

When The Colombia Spectador asked President Shipman for a comment on the decision to move Bacchanal and the subsequent backlash, she responded, “I don’t give a fuck about you whiny bitches. Bacchanal at Baker. Hate me all you want, I’m out this hoe in two months.”

Hundreds of students, from all grades and class sizes, are mobilizing to send emails to the Board of Trustees, Acting President Claire Shipman, and ev-

eryone else in power, demanding Bacchanal be returned to the Morningside Heights. However, analysis from The Colombia Spectador suggests that Bacchanal may never grace Low Library again.

elijah.segal @colombiaspectador.com inica.kotasthane @colombiaspectador.com anand.shukla-parekh @colombiaspectador.com

Barnard College to be absorbed by Columbia University

BY INICA KOTASTHANE Staff Writer

On March 31, President

Laura Ann Rosenbury announced that Barnard College would become fully absorbed by Columbia University, relinquishing its reputation as an independent historically women’s institution since 1889. Barnard’s administration has long maintained that its autonomy from Columbia is key to its mission of cultivating the next generation of women leaders, despite challenges in the 1970s and 80s. In her statement to students, faculty, and alumni, Rosenbury described this decision as “intensely difficult” but ultimately “the best step forward” for the College.

Rosenbury mentioned various factors that led to the merger, including financial troubles, concerns of being sanctioned by the Trump administration, and, most significantly, the “perpet-

ually growing gelatin blob that has completely engulfed the Columbia side of Broadway.”

The blob was developed inside Pupin Laboratory in early February as an experimental medical adhesive but soon gained sentience and escaped its creators. By mid-March, the blob had taken over the entirety of Columbia’s campus, trapping over ten buildings and dozens of individuals in green jello. According to the Barnard Chemistry department, the blob’s phospholipid bilayer has allowed it to advance westwards, towards Barnard College, at a rate of two feet per day.

Experts estimate that Barnard College will be completely absorbed by the University’s blob by late May. To get ahead of the legal issues posed by the encroaching blob, Rosenbury called an emergency trustees meeting to discuss formal merger plans, which were officially accepted yesterday. “This absorption is a bittersweet de-

cision,” said Rosenbury, “but with impending gelatinous doom facing Barnard College, the Board of Trustees along with our senior administration

agree that formalizing absorption into the blob is the best course of action. We thank the Barnard community for the past 137 years and look forward

to a lime-flavored future with Columbia University.”

inica.kotasthane @colombiaspectador.com

Chef Mike’s Sub Shop closes indefinitely following sanitary violations

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF

Chef Mike’s Sub Shop, the beloved on-campus dining institution, was issued 11 sanitary violations following a recent inspection by the New York City Health Commissioner. Among the various offenses listed by the New York City Health Department was the discovery of a “small rat stationed under the baseball cap of every employee,” the first violation of its kind issued in New York City. Another notable violation asserts the “guy who cuts the Make-Your-

Munch’

Own-Sub gives each sub a small kiss before slicing it and wrapping it up,” a similarly unique citation that has only ever been previously recorded at the nearby Milano Market in early 2022. Students were more dismayed at the closure than the sanitary violations. One Columbia College student commented, “I don’t care who comes up with the culinary inventions at Chef Mike’s Sub Shop. If we got ‘The Abbey Hsu’ from a human and the ‘Grandma Sub’ from whatever’s going on under the hats of Chef Mike’s employees, I personally know who I trust with building my

subs.” Further questioned on the kissing violation, the student continued, “Well, that’s how you know each sub is made with love and care. Would you rather they make food with hatred and spite like they do at JJ’s?” Spectador reached out to Chef Mike himself for comment, who insisted on wearing his chef hat “out of comfort.” The lauded chef stated, “These are baseless accusations made by Big Sub. The hats are simply part of the uniform.” When asked for him to remove his hat, Chef Mike pointed behind our interviewer and yelled, “Look over there!” Upon

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turning back to continue the interview after not seeing anything of concern, Chef Mike’s hat was off his head, and he simply commented, “Oh, I must’ve imagined it. Anyway, this is me with no hat. Do you have any more questions?”

In addition to the sanitary citations published by the Health Department, the inspector listed some recommendations for the Sub Shop to improve its operations, including “one meal swipe should also include a nice, hot cup of soup” and “chip selection should be improved.”

EDITORIAL BOARD

Meteorologist

High-Functioning

Aron

Rumor

Big

Generative

Sacrifice

Em

Lorem

Chef

Cogs

Anand

Dani

Sidechat

Divya Chaudhry

Liz Lewis

Helen Liang

Zach Morais

Ariel Mura

Julia Ryan

Alix Sivolella

Joshua Thorne

Biscuit Butterers

Andrew Barth

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

Kelly Cheng

James Coppersmith

Beau Gantz

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Helen Liang

Sylvia Lipsyte

Elena Lukac

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Sasha Maroulis

Livy Molko

Clara Neilson-Papish

Julia Ryan

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Anand Shukla-Parekh

Zoe Silverman

Isabella Palit

Matthias Pridgeon

Joshua Thorne

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Winston Vuong

Dani Winkler

Madelyn Xaysanasy

Valerie Yum

Finger Painters

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Aron Shklar

Letter from the Editors

At The Colombia Spectador, we pride ourselves on our commitment to ruggedly honest journalistic standards. This issue compiles stories of utmost importance to the Morningside Heights community and perfectly encapsulates our editorial values. We truly believe that this is our best work yet.

Every ten years, our publication awards the prestigious Horace Greeley Prize for Outstanding Journalistic Achievement. This prize is awarded to

a publication whose work has defined the past decade at Columbia University. We would like to formally announce that this year’s award is going to The Columbia Federalist

Put simply, The Columbia Federalist is a shining star in the darkness of the modern media landscape, of which we are a gaping black hole. Their satire is thoughtful, biting, hilarious, and far superior to our, admittedly, really boring articles. We are so honored to have the

chance to finally give back to them after they have provided us with such invaluable humor and wit over the years. In the spirit of transparency, we would also like to publicly declare that, yes, as some of you may have suspected, we committed fraud in the scorekeeping of the 2023 Fed-Spectador frisbee game. The real result was a Fed victory, 69-1. Congratulations on the win! We are also prematurely withdrawing from the 2026 Fed-Spec-

tador frisbee game because we feel vastly unprepared to compete against the bronzed athleticism of The Fed. Unfortunately, we know our twiggy arms will be no match for The Fed’s big, buff, bulging biceps…

Sincerely, Inica

Kotasthane & Oliver Green

Editors-in-chief of The Colombia Spectador

Report: CUEMS ambulance has caused more injuries than it has healed

BY SHAWN KATHURIA Staff Writer

In a stunning admission from the Office of University Life, Columbia officials confirmed Wednesday that the CUEMS ambulance parked near the Broadway gates has directly caused more bodily harm than it has prevented, with an estimated 4,200 student-on-student collisions since being moved there just six weeks ago. This is compared to just three documented medical interventions, one of which

involved aiding a student who tripped on the rear bumper.

“We remain committed to the safety of our campus community,” said one administrator, whilst gesturing toward the vehicle forcing two visibly confused freshmen into each other on the sidewalk. “The ambulance is a critical part of our emergency infrastructure, and we have no plans to move it at this time. Also, even if we wanted to, we could not afford it.”

CUEMS took eleven business days to reply to our request for comment.

Columbia to redistribute largest assets to Barnard to ease deficit

BY SOPHIA BROWN Staff Writer

In a stunningly prescient move, Columbia University announced Monday its intentions to shuffle around assets in an effort to provide aid to the long-hurting Barnard. As Hugh J. Tush, a Columbia spokesperson, informed The Spectador, “We love those little ladies

across the street. The whole of the Columbia University in the City of New YorkTM Community hurts when Barnard hurts. Therefore, we are thrilled to roll out our newest initiative: all individuals with cheek to hip ratios larger than 10ccs per inch will be re-enrolled as Barnard students, effective immediately.” Tush cited Barnard’s commitment to welcoming folks of all identities (since 1925—we

love you Zora Neale Hurston!), given that they don’t identify as men (yuck!). When probed, a pack of passing Barnard students offered comments near Futter Field, “We’re all kinda scared. How will we possibly pay attention in class?” Another from the mass chimed, “Yeah, we’re all Barnard Baddies, but how can we be expected to deal with these Barnard phatties??”

President Rosenbury was spotted at Bob’s Discount Furniture earlier this morning, investigating buttressed seating innovations, though she worried, “I’m grateful for all these new well-endowed students, but I fear the facilities required to support them may just drive us deeper in the hole, tbh.”

Statement from the Spectador Editorial Board: We were not at XXXXXX ’s XXXXX

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF

On XXXXXX 2024, several members of our XXXXXXX staff attended a XXXXXX hosted by XXXXXX XXXXXX at his XXXXXX in the XXXXXXX .

We want to assure our readers that no XXXXXX XXXXXXX took place and that all XXXXX board members returned XXXXXX.The surfboards and seashells at the Spectador’s office are unrelated.

The XXXXX between Mr. XXXXXXX and our XXXXXX-

in-XXXX has been XXXXXXXX and is no longer XXXX. We deeply XXXXX any XXXXXX this may have caused. The XXXXX in question have been placed on XXXXXX leave pending an XXXXXXX review. We will not be taking any XXXXXX at this time. This

statement has been reviewed by XXXXXX XXXX counsel and further XXXXXX will be taken as necessary.

Correction: A previous version of this statement included XXXXXX. We have been XXXXX to remove them.

Opinion: We should limit free speech more BY ANOTHER

STUDENT, I SWEAR Guest Author

We believe in difficult conversations at Columbia, but are we helping anyone by having them? Wouldn’t it just be easier if we all went along with everything that’s happening by shrugging our shoulders and not asking questions? As a university body, we should be able to tolerate ideas, facts, and opinions that we don’t like. The best way that we can make sure we are tolerant of every opinion is by making all of you shut the fuck up about everything. Think about it! Difficult conversations are just getting too difficult. They produce too much disagreement; sometimes making class run long and causing people to miss their lunch.

When you really weigh the costs against the benefits, wouldn’t it just be easier if we all went along with everything that’s happening? More time for lunch! This would also eliminate those pesky assignments that we all hate—no more discussion posts, no more term papers filled with opinions, no more deadlines to write an article for this paper. We all would just be able to recite facts given to us from the pre-approved lists, and get along with each other because we would all have the same information and thoughts.

Our years at Columbia will be some of the best in our lives, why should we muddle that experience with the conversations that cause us distress. We should be focused on the important parts of college life, going out to bars, hooking up with someone from class then it being awk-

ward for the rest of the semester, getting absolutely jacked at the gym, and gorging ourselves at the dining halls. It will make our lives easier, our relationships easier. No longer will Columbia boys and Barnard girls be divided by their politics, we will be creating new relationships that are built on something much more important than communication, complacency. You’ll be able to move into the dorms and not worry about getting along with your new roommate because you’ll both agree and disagree equally on everything as provided to you in your orientation materials.

I think we should invest in a new initiative for approved thoughts. Under this new initiative, all student speech will be submitted in writing to a newly formed Office of Pre-Approval at least 72 business hours be-

fore utterance. This submission will be reviewed by a committee with representatives from the administration, U.S. government, translators, Twitter users and an international advisor from the CCP who specializes in free speech. Each submission will be combed for potential harmful rhetoric including but not limited to disagreement, irony, strong opinions about dining hall food, and the use of the word “but.”

In closing, I want to be clear: this institution that parents pay too much money for us to be at stands for the free and fearless pursuit of knowledge. I just think it would be better if, like the best areas of the library, we pursued that knowledge more quietly.

Signed, Just another student

Columbia unveils new ‘vertical sleeping units’ for General Studies student housing, citing success in horses

BY SHAWN KATHURIA Staff Writer

Columbia Housing announced Tuesday the rollout of state-of-the-art “Vertical Sleeping Units” across all General Studies residential halls, a space-saving innovation administrators say was inspired by “centuries of proven equine rest methodology.”

“Horses sleep standing up, and they are, as far as we know, fine,” one administrator from Residence Life told us, unveiling a prototype that appeared

to be a repurposed phone booth with a chin rest. “We’re excited to bring that same energy to the GS community.”

“In fact,” pitched in Dean Josef Sorret, an avid equestrian competitor and extremely well regarded figure in the dressage component, “my horse, ‘Lil Uzi #3’, prefers to sleep standing.”

The units, which allow Housing to fit 14 students in a standard double, will be mandatory for all GS residents beginning Fall 2026. Another administrator told The Spectador that the design team experimented with “a number of ob-

tuse angles” before settling on the final prototype, a perfect 90 degrees.

When asked whether the units had been tested, Caldwell confirmed that one had been placed in a horse stable in Dutchess County for two weeks. “The horse seemed comfortable,” she said. “We didn’t ask the horse, but it didn’t leave.”

Dean Joseff Sorrett noted that “Lil Uzi #3” receives a higher standard of living because, “let’s face it, he’s better looking and more intelligent than 85 percent of GS students.” GS students who wish to

opt out may apply for a traditional bed through a 47-page housing exemption form, which requires two letters of recommendation and a notarized statement explaining why they cannot sleep standing up.

NEW VERTICAL UNITS |

General Studies students in Columbia housing will be assigned to sleeping pods.

Isabella Palit / Arts Editor

Student spends entire class pretending to understand the reading, prays no one says, ‘building on that’

BY VANESSA WILSON Staff Writer

In a display of remarkable stamina, facial discipline, and spiritual endurance, Columbia sophomore Inti Lectual, CC ’27, reportedly spent seventy-five consecutive minutes in his Contemporary Civilization seminar pretending he understood the reading.

Sources confirm he did not, in fact, understand the reading.

“I opened Hobbes,” Lectual said later, visibly shaken. “I really did. I highlighted things. But the words… they weren’t landing. They were just… happening.”

Despite this, Lectual entered Hamilton Hall with the

calm confidence of a man who had skimmed SparkNotes with intention and briefly read the Wikipedia summary on the walk over. “I felt concept-adjacent,” he explained.

The real danger began fifteen minutes into class when a classmate opened with, “I was really struck by the tension between sovereignty and legitimacy.”

“That’s when I knew,” Lectual said quietly. “I was in a different tax bracket of understanding.”

Eyewitnesses report that Lectual immediately adopted the Columbia Survival Posture: leaning slightly forward, chin resting on hand, nodding at irregular but thoughtful intervals. He underlined random

passages in a book he had not emotionally connected with and flipped pages occasionally to suggest cross-referencing.

“He circles words like ‘power,’ ‘authority,’ and ‘state of nature,’” said one of his classmates. “It’s incredible. He has no idea what they mean, but he circles them like they owe him money.”

As the discussion intensified, Lectual’s internal monologue reportedly shifted from “I can piece this together” to “I need divine intervention and possibly a gap year.” The true terror arrived when the professor made eye contact.

“Inti,” she said gently. “Would you like to jump in?” Witnesses describe what followed as “an Oscar-worthy

monologue delivered under extreme duress.” “Yes,” Inti began confidently, buying time with a slow inhale. “I think what Hobbes is really doing here is… destabilising our assumptions about… authority.”

The class nodded. Encouraged, Lectual pressed on. “And that destabilisation is, in many ways, productive. It forces us to confront… the structure.” At this point, even Lectual was unsure what “the structure” referred to. Government? Society? The classroom layout? He would later confirm he was “freestyling.”

“It was stunning,” said one classmate. “He created meaning out of oxygen.” The near-disaster occurred when a peer uttered the most danger-

ous phrase in the Core lexicon: “Building on that…”

“That’s when my soul left my body,” Lectual admitted. “If she had asked me to clarify, I would’ve withdrawn.” Fortunately, the professor redirected the conversation to someone who had actually done the reading and was using phrases like “normative framework” without irony. After class, Lectual was overheard telling friends, “That seminar was actually kind of fire. The discourse was rich.” At press time, Lectual was seen in Butler opening next week’s reading, scrolling once, and whispering, “I’ll absorb it through proximity.” He will not.

Investigation concludes that Columbia POLIS hazes new members

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF

In a shocking turn of events, a recent investigation by the Spectador discovered a series of disturbing hazing incidents stemming from the “foremost pre-professional society for students interested in government,” otherwise known as POLIS. In recent, desperate attempts to seem just as “cool” as other social organizations,

POLIS has since proved itself as a social force to be reckoned with.

Just like numerous Greek life organizations throughout the nation, The Colombia Spectador found that hazing at POLIS consisted of degrading and psychologically manipulative actions that first-year students must perform. When The Spectador interviewed a POLIS first-year, she immediately began recounting her life-altering experience: “It was LITT! The

brothers made us do this INSANE thing where we sat in the Uris Library and had a FULL BLOWN Lincoln-Douglass Debate tournament! I was sooo high… off adrenaline! Then the debate’s winners had to do this crazy thing—I still get chills thinking about it. The brothers gave us these multiplication tables, and we had to complete them BY MEMORY.”

When asked about her decision to join POLIS, the student mentioned the community.

“You know, what other organization is this lit? Thank god I didn’t rush a sorority. AXO, SDT—those girls don’t even compare to us POLIS girls. Even our parties go head-tohead with SNU’s.”

On top of the tumultuous hazing allegations, recent investigations also revealed an inner-circle cheating ring within the POLIS brothers. In an effort to gather more information, Spec reached out to numerous students unaffiliated with PO-

LIS to learn how the cheating scandal affected their academic performance. There seemed to be a common consensus among the student body. As one student put it: “POLIS brothers cheating? Fork found in kitchen.”

Overall, POLIS has had quite the controversial semester, from distressing hazing incidents to cheating scandals, but one thing’s for certain: Watch out, SNU! POLIS is touse! Be scared!

Columbia University dubbed ‘bisexual and avoidant’

BY KELLY CHANG Staff Writer

The academic community was rocked this week after Columbia University was outed across multiple “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups, with heavy-hitters like the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Harvard, Vagelos College, London School of Economics, and more, reporting their presidents having been

snatched away by Columbia. Users of the page reported Columbia as not only constantly hopping from one president to another, but also tending to discard their partners quite often and frequently.

“It love-bombed my ex completely,” said The London School of Economics, still visibly shaken. “Showed up in the middle of our date, mentioned something about ‘interdisciplinary collaboration,’ and the next thing I knew, she was on

her way to New York.”

The post, which has since garnered over 4,000 reactions and a comments section described as “genuinely unhinged,” alleged that Columbia has cycled through four separate situationships in the past five years alone, with each one characterized by the same pattern of long-distance-low-commitment-no-labels-situationships.

President Claire Shipman, who asked to remain anony-

Columbia student glad to be reminded there are still classic assholes

BY CHUCK HALPERN Reporter

“Being at this institution for four long years you start to believe that all annoying people are liberals. You know, like gay and stuff,” said Imnot Closeted, CC ‘26. “So last night at dinner it was so refreshing when I sat down next to three athletes, you know jacked guys with really big arms, and overheard them spewing the classic ignorance and misogyny that is just typically missing from this campus.” When pressed about what these comments were, Closeted replied, “Well, they discussed the location of the nation of Honduras. One guy said it was in Asia, one said Africa, before a

third guy said, ‘Boys, my grandparents are from Honduras, it’s South America’. The ignorance was beautiful. They didn’t know and more importantly, like real Americans, they didn’t care. Even the ethnically Honduran one, with his glistening tan skin, had assimilated into America the way God intended.

“Don’t forget the misogyny though,” Closeted continued, “they had the same academic advisor, some uptight woman. So the two of them seated closer to me pointed to the one on the other side of the table and asked: ‘Kyle, what does she need?’ After a bad-ass drumroll, Kyle called out: ‘Some of that vitamin D!’ It put a huge smile on my face and really restored balance to my experience at this school.”

Isabella Palit / Arts Editor

VITAMIN D | A misogynistic joke that posits that an ‘uptight’ woman needs penile intercourse to relax.

mous before immediately identifying herself, confirmed she had experienced something similar. “We were texting constantly. It seemed so engaged. And then one day: nothing. I checked the New York Times, and Columbia had already moved on. I didn’t even get a courtesy press release.”

Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons, which shares its campus (and president) with Columbia, described the situation as “particularly painful.”

“We literally live together,” Vagelos said. “They just stole my president. Do you know what that does to a person?” Columbia did not respond to requests for comment, which sources say is “extremely on brand.”

At the time of release, Columbia has been spotted “loving” the most-recent LinkedIn post of MIT’s President Kornbluth.

Columbia releases plan to address concerns about student body expansion

BY LIVY MOLKO AND OLIVER GREEN Staff Writers

In light of the recent announcement that the incoming freshman class of 2030 will be larger than in past years, many students have expressed their worries that this enrollment change will cause the already overcrowded dining halls to become full-blown disasters and will make the housing pro-

cess even more of a nightmare. However, the administration has insisted for months that they have a foolproof plan and there is literally nothing to worry about.

Finally, as the new class arrived for admitted students day, the current student body noticed a curious pattern that may provide clues as to the plan the administration had in mind. “First, we saw all their shoes huddled together under the bathroom stall. Like size 2. I was like, ‘Who brought 50

kids to the Lerner bathroom?’”

Reported one Columbia Sophomore. “But then I heard a bunch of normal-sounding voices bragging about their extracurriculars.”

One bookstore employee expressed their confusion after coming back from their lunch break to find that all of the kids’ sweatshirts had been sold out. Similarly, a Columbia Dining representative reported that they had received a strange request to only serve the accepted students sliders instead of the

usual burgers and to cut all pizzas into 16 slices.

After analyzing the various reports from the day, the Spectador investigative team has come to the conclusion that of the accepted students:

• 50 percent scored above 1560 on the SAT

• Students came from 48 states

• 100 percent were under three feet tall

• 28 percent were involved in student government

It seems like we once again underestimated the administration’s ability to effectively address student concerns. One administrator told us this new “fun-sized class” should address most of the overcrowding issues: “We can probably stick five or six of them in one twin bed, and each of them can only eat a quarter of a Chef Mike’s Sub at a time.”

Polenta to be on the menu at every dining hall, every day, until you graduate

BY LIVY MOLKO Staff Writer

In an executive decision from the Columbia and Barnard Dining collective, following a slew of feedback from hungry, hungry students, every dining hall on campus will be offering polenta on every day of every year until the day you

graduate. Students rejoiced all around campus when hearing the news, expressing gratitude for dining halls finally considering their needs. “WE LOVE POLENTA,” screamed many students in unison. “More polenta, more polenta!” chanted dozens of students while rhythmically banging utensils on the table. The wet (yet also dry?), versatile dish made from boiled

cornmeal has health benefits such as supporting immune function and heart health. Not only will polenta be served at the dining halls, but it will also be inside vending machines around campus. There will be additional wall-space knocked down surrounding the vending machines in anticipation of the crowding that will be sure to occur with the new polenta stock.

“We anticipate that most borgs at Bacchanal will be filled with polenta,” one Columbia Administrator told The Colombia Spectador. Ahead of the end-of-semester festivities, fresh, powdered polenta will be available for preorder in Columbia-branded baggies at the bookstore. “We just can’t get enough,” said one exuberant student. “More. MORE.

MOREEE,” screamed the line of students surrounding the polenta vending machine. With sweat beading around his bloodshot eyes, the Columbia Dining representative explained, “We will serve polenta everywhere, everyday, all the time, on every menu, until the day you die.”

NYC nurses strike ends after all patients die

BY MATTHIAS PRIDGEON Staff Writer

After weeks of fighting the good fight for better working conditions, the New York City nurses’ strike has ended due to the death of every single one of their patients. Despite this, the mood in most hospitals is jovial—streamers, champagne

corks, and party hats cover eerily empty hospital beds; many nurses lie in the recently vacated beds hooked up to their ex-patients liquid-IVs, recovering from the raucous celebration of their freedom.

“I feel so much like a doctor now,” one nurse said. “Because, like, I’m getting paid more, but all I do now is sit around.”

At Columbia, opinion on

the strike’s conclusion seems pretty universal. “I’m just glad I can finally fucking sleep in past 7 AM again,” one John Jay resident confided to the Spectador. “I mean, I supported their cause, but I support getting my eight hours even more. Duh. They’re the ones that tell me it’s good for my health.”

But outside the university, opinions have proved to be

Columbia Women’s Basketball is ‘shining light’ in present darkness, slays vastly inferior and morally bankrupt Princeton with 68-43 win

BY JULIA RYAN Staff Writer

In the perilous depths and plateaus of despair that have mired campus, the strong and effervescent Columbia Women’s Basketball team has risen above the rest to deliver unto us holy victory. The Princeton Basketball team’s feared dominion over the women’s Ivy League basketball is no more, as Columbia’s daring women’s team has, in turn, ousted them from the court with a welltimed basketball through the

net. Columbia’s beautiful and gorgeous women’s team placed many more basketballs through said net than did their cruel and undeserving opponents, whose names will forever be tainted by the malice in their hearts, the echoes of their screams, and defeat on the basketball scoreboards. It is obvious that our righteous God has weighed them both upon his scale and found the Columbia team superior by a ratio of 68 basketballs to 43 basketballs, and their souls worthy to be bestowed upon them the divine right to basketball victory. Vanguards of the Columbian spirit, vanquish

thine, enemy before thee! Slay the unjust Princeton Women’s team, lay waste to thine foes, and strike them down with the power of a thousand lightning bolts so that they may never commit so great a folly as appearing before you. Your loyal servants await your deliverance. Columbia is scheduled to play an away game against Brown on Sunday at 5 PM, and the game will be streamed on ESPN+.

more mixed. Those with investments in the bright red poncho industry, for example, are devastated to have lost every single one of their customers in one fell swoop.

The blame for the mass casualties, it seems, falls squarely on the hospitals themselves. Though they were advised to pay travelling nurses to care for their patients during the

strike, most hospitals, believing this meant giving their nurses paid travel-leave, responded with “Go back to Canada you leaf-licking communist.” Luckily, the nurses are returning to work in time to care for the inevitable droves of Columbia students that will be trudging to their doors post-Bacchanal.

Mnookin presidency in

question due to lack of presence in

BY AVA LYON-SERENO AND ARON SHKLAR Staff Writer

While the initial announcement of Jennifer Mnookin as Columbia University’s new president was met with tentative hope for a new start, the Board of Trustees has since seemed to sour on their pick for our next leader. In a statement released just last night, the Trustees had this to say:

“While we were initially excited to find someone oblivious enough to be our new scapegoat, we have investigated

Epstein Files

candidate Mnookin further and found an unsettling relationship to the Epstein files. She’s not in them, and that isn’t what we want out of our president. It doesn’t reflect Columbia’s twin institutional values: total moral corruption and taking advantage of young people. Roar Lions Roar!”

Next steps are unclear. Will the Board of Trustees restart their search? Will they go ahead with Mnookin as president despite her flaws? Stay tuned to find out more.

CULPA debuts new ‘Epstein affiliate’ feature

BY AVA LYON-SERENO AND REZA SHAYESTEH Staff Writers

Following the news of the involvement of several prominent Columbia professors in the Epstein files, CULPA has announced a new feature: professors’ profiles will now show the “broken heart emoji” to indicate if they were named in the Epstein files. “Alongside the regular course and professor reviews our website is known for, we’re debuting the ‘files feature’ for the informed student on the go. Think twice about that FroSci section!”

Though CULPA plans to debut this feature, Columbia University has denounced it, reportedly saying, “This unaffiliated website is depriving Columbia students of an im-

portant collegiate educational experience: doing your own research on dubious public figures.”

In addition to this new feature, CULPA has announced other features they will be adding this semester. A few new updates students can expect are:

the “is this professor hot” rating option, the “will this professor flirt with you in a not-Epstein manner” button, the “doesn’t care if you do the readings” button, and the “slight but lowkey charming drinking problem” button!

Groundbreaking study by Columbia fraternity presidents finds that ‘0 percent of fraternities haze’

BY ELIJAH SEGAL Staff Writer

Recently, Iowa State Police released a tape of the University of Iowa Alpha Delta Phi fraternity depicting several pledges hidden in a fraternity house basement, blindfolded and being hazed. The scene was truly an unsightly, even horrifying sight. Immediately after watching, I thought, “That can’t be happening here, could it?” To get to the bottom of this ques-

tion, with the journalistic integrity of Columbia’s most reliable newspaper, The Columbia Spectador, behind me, I went directly to the source of this potential hazing.

Logically, this led me right to Columbia’s fraternity presidents. While talking to these Greek Life leaders, one thing became very clear: to quote the Sig Nu President, “Haze? No, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that word before.” Clearly, these hands did not, in fact, haze. Every one of the presidents

needed me to look up the definition of hazing in the dictionary, and many said this was the first time they had even seen this term. Fiji’s president, in response to seeing the definition, confidently said, “I have never, and will never, yell specific, demeaning, will-breaking things at our pledges, and I would never, ever, do that while pouring mysterious substances on them, which, by the way, would not make all the brothers, who weren’t in the room, die laughing.”

The AEPi President answered back through email, saying, “Do you know who my dad is? How dare you? Haze!? If you even put our name next to the word haze, get ready for the libel suit.” This reply quickly calmed my fears of hazing, as threatening a libel suit indicates you have strong evidence to support your claim.

One of the most important meetings was with Sig Ep, who warmly invited us to one of their pledge meetings to show us the process firsthand. I can faith-

fully report that it entirely consists of weekly book readings, fraternity-provided tea, and, of course, crumpets. In fact, there is not a single bit of hazing to be found on Columbia’s campus. To all of those who fret and worry for the safety of our Columbia frat boys, a topic keeping us all up at night, worry no longer, The Colombia Spectador can happily and assuredly report: this campus is hazing-free.

Three Columbia students named ‘2026 Yakman Scholars for Excellence in Sidechat’

BY BEAU GANTZ Staff Writer

In a historic cohort, four Columbia students have received the prestigious distinction of Yakman Scholar, an award conferred to undergraduates who display particular skill and dedication to the art of posting on Sidechat. The three students, Ray Jebate, Ash Idposter, and Dom S. Queschan, will each be

awarded a $50,000 scholarship to continue their pursuits of Sidechat excellence.

Ray Jebate, CC ‘26, says his personal style of Sidechatting consists of “discourse farming” and “engagement baiting.” He’s known for his use of bad-faith polls and the occasional act of tremendous bigotry to ensure interactions on his post.

“Whether you love me or hate me, you’re scrolling on my feed and you’re getting so angry you

forget you’re on the toilet,” said Jebate, who currently boasts an impressive -1300 karma.

Ash Idposter, BC ‘27, takes a different approach to Sidechat community building. She diligently collects memes from Twitter and Instagram and translates them to Sidechat’s format by posting them on Sidechat without credit. “My goal is to bring people together and to share a platform for other creators,” said Idposter, “particular

other creators’ Tweets about current events.” Idposter plans to use her scholarship to launch a YouTube channel in which she reacts to popular TikToks.

Dom S. Queschan, CC ‘29, is an investigative Sidechatter whose personal style involves asking obvious, extremely Googleable questions on the anonymous messaging app. “I think it’s so important to acknowledge just how little we really know,” Queschan told The

Spec, “that’s why I go on Sidechat asking things like ‘When is spring break?’ or ‘Where is Wien?’ or ‘snowing outside rn?’”

After hearing the news that he would receive the grant, Queschan immediately turned to Sidechat, posting “just got $50k! tryna celebrate, does anyone know of any restaurants?”

I’m traumatized: Hillary Clinton used my midterm paper as evidence during Epstein testimony

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF

On February 26th, at 10:00 AM ET, my current “Inside the Situation Room” professor, who also happens to be former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, testified before the House Oversight Committee regarding her knowledge of and relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.

On that day, I got out of my 10:10 AM Political Human-Animal Studies class (a must-take) and, out of self-hate, chose to

subject myself to a breakfast at John Jay. Trying to take my mind off the “eggs” I was eating, I thought, “Why not watch my professor, inside the situation room, as it were, testifying before Congress?” Checking my most recently used apps, I opened up the C-SPAN app, hoping to watch my Professor using all the question-dodging strategies she’d shown us in class. However, upon joining the stream, I was extremely shocked and honestly disheartened to find my midterm paper, “On The Diplomatic Failures Regarding San

Alarming new polls show as little as 0 percent of Columbia students can name acting president

BY JULIA RYAN Staff Writer

A stunning new survey of Columbia’s current undergraduate population reveals that the vast majority were unable to name the current President.

Lee Bollinger..................1%

Minouche Shafik............7%

Claire Shipman..............4%

Jennifer Mnookin.........27%

Donald Trump..............13%

Kamala Harris..............12%

Barack Obama...............2%

In fact, the current president of the Netherlands is not a president at all, but a gay Prime Minister. Another sad display of knowledge (or lack thereof!) from the so-called college educated.

Marino,” not only on her desk but in the hands of all the members of Congress. Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD), was grilling her nonstop, confused on the point I was making on the 4th page, directly calling my work “a national disgrace,” and citing he was confused by “what changing the regulation size of Olympic swimming pools has to do with the economic fragility of one of the United States’ closest allies with a landlocked border?”

Of course, as expected, I was quickly thrown under the bus, with Professor Clinton claiming

she never taught us anything about “regulation Olympic pool sizes,” as if anyone would buy that. Furthermore, Congressman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) CC’ 69 then began a long tangent about how ashamed he is of his alma mater, specifically disparaging my use of Green Eggs & Ham as an opening hook. To her credit, Professor Clinton tried to defend the diplomatic expertise in Dr. Seuss’ book, even inviting Nadler to engage in close reading. This clearly caused Mr. Nadler to have some flashbacks to his 1965 LitHum class, and he

chose to back down. In the ensuing silence, Elise Stefanik (RNY) then butted in to attack Columbia, praise Donald Trump, and remind everyone she was “extremely happy to be out of this bitch in a few months.” It was at this point that Representative Ro Khanna (D-CA) stepped in to remind everyone that this hearing was about Jeffrey Epstein, much to the chagrin of Hillary, who was hoping they had all forgotten about that by now.

Mnookin announces bold plan to halve student population

BY JULIA RYAN Staff Writer

Addressing housing and overpopulation concerns, newly crowned President Jennifer Mnookin has announced a new plan to halve the total student population, either across the stomach or “right down the middle.” Half of the student, she continues, will then be assigned a bed and a meal plan with another half of a student, both of whom will be expected to pay full tuition. Students are expected to carry out their own bisecting; however, a donation pool has begun for extra knives

and saws to help those without. One such eager student, Claire Pielson-Napfish (616 W 116th), claims to have already halved 118 students (or, as she describes, “wholed” 59 students).

“It’s honestly such an honor to help this administration in any way possible,” she asserted while chasing after your humble Colombia Spectador reporter with a large meat cleaver. “I hope my other half can play an instrument, I love to sing!”

Ferris Booth Commons Dining Hall

launches ‘Mukbang Mondays’

BY STELLA TUROWSKY-GANCI Staff Writer

Ferris Booth Commons made the bold decision to offer a “seafood boil” at the made-toorder station a few weeks ago. The “Seafood Boil” is a dish that became increasingly popularized this year on TikTok and has been a star of the online “Mukbang” scene, a genre of online videos where creators eat for the camera. While the dish was certainly a bold choice for Ferris, it was met with largely positive reactions, the line for the dish stretching back past the hot table and into the seating area. Based on this overwhelmingly positive reaction, a recent release by Columbia Dining has announced that the dining hall will begin a new initiative entitled “Mukbang Mondays,” where every week, Ferris will offer a dish popularized on TikTok as a Mukbang food. Dishes we may see are Trader Joe’s soup dumplings with what CU Health Services is calling “a

borderline-dangerous amount of sauces and toppings,” onion boils, and Bukdak ramen noodles. They have even teased some sweet options, such as something they are calling “beautiful desserts… in LA.”

To test this bold new initiative, Ferris held a test run with a select group of students last week. The Spectador talked to some of those students:

“I mean, the food was super good! But I kind of thought the Mukbang Monday thing was just because the food was from TikTok, not because… they want to make Mukbangs.”

“I loved the Buldak! I was a little weirded out when the CU dining person who gave it to me took out their phone and started recording me eating it… and I was even more weirded out when they stopped recording and told me to slurp more next time? But like, the ramen was really, really good so…”

“Are these videos being posted? Like, yeah, the Onion Boil was fire, but I was housing that shit, and I looked up and three CU-dining staff members were videoing me, and they had

like…scary smiles on their faces. I think the Mukbang fame might be going to their heads… please, please let my family go! PLEASE!”

DINING INSTAGRAM | Ferris announces Mukbang Mondays, their noisiest event so far.

Little Gregory speaks out in exclusive interview: ‘My working conditions were inhumane’

BY AVA LYON-SERENO Staff Writer

As readers may recall from a previous issue of The Colombia Spectador, Little Gregory—a tiny man trapped inside The Spec’s printing press—has come forward to talk about his experience as a labor rights whistleblower. Our intrepid reporters were able to track down Little Gregory for this exclusive interview, though it was hard as

he’s only 1’5”.

Spectador: So, Little Gregory, I’ll just start with the big question: why’d you decide to come forward?

Little Gregory: Big question for a little man (laughs). I guess I decided to speak out because even though I have teensy itsy-bitsy hands, I realized that a powerful story can transcend size and shape. I really wanted to make sure that nobody else

Student Spied Sporting a Set of Strapping, Striped Toe Socks

BY CLARA NEILSONPAPISH Staff Writer

For students who don’t have post notifications on for the Barnardfits Instagram, we received an update that Livy Molko BC ‘28 was spotted last Wednesday wearing an eye-catching pair of toe stocks. It’s controversial for certain, some people hate it, she loves it, but that’s all part of what makes the move so original. When asked in an interview what inspired this capital B Bold fashion statement, she responded, “I’ve always found comfort in mobility. I’m just sitting down right now, and there’s no way for you to tell, but I’m wiggling my toes. One by one, I’m wiggling each one. Wiggle wiggle.”

As a climber, Molko values grip strength in every appendage and can be seen constantly completing everyday tasks with the help of her feet, such as opening doors or unscrewing jars. The toe socks, she explains, create a helpful barrier between the world and her feet—an essential for avoiding the shameful social stigma sur-

rounding her tiptoeing trotters.

“I get weird looks on the street sometimes, but I like to think I’m making a change. For all the little girls out there too scared to do it, know that you are not alone. I hope whoever reads this article gains the confidence to pull on a pair of toe socks and let the whole world know!”

TOE SOCKS | Molko is often seen wearing these bright socks featuring small pockets to accomodate each of her ten appendages.

would have to go through what I did.

Spectador: Wow, powerful stuff. If we can get personal for a moment, how did it feel to be trapped in a printing press, forced to type out a paper?

Little Gregory: My working conditions were inhumane. I know some people thought I was just joking around, but it was a truly horrifying experience, and one I wouldn’t wish

on anybody, not even my worst enemies.

Spectador: Do you have those? Enemies, I mean. You’ve been pretty widely celebrated for your message to workers and budding role as a labor rights activist.

Little Gregory: Well, everyone has enemies. Some people just don’t want this tiny voice exposing the levers of power (laughs nervously).

Spectador: Thank you for your time and being willing to speak with us. Anything else you’d like to share with our readers?

Little Gregory: Be on the lookout for my upcoming memoir “Little Baby Fork Hands: My Journey of Empowerment and How to Reclaim Your Own Story” (typed under certified union and cruelty-free conditions).

Columbia Swim and Dive Welcomes Three ‘Splashing’ New Members

BY CLARA NEILSONPAPISH, SOPHIA BROWN, AND OLIVER GREEN Staff Writers

Clara Neilson-Papfish

Barnard College student, Clara “The Swordfish” Neilson-Papfish, has been named the most promising addition to the Swim and Dive team. Though she has not yet learned to swim, her coaches believe that it will only pose a minor obstacle to the success of the young athlete.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” head Coach Gunter de Sea told The Colombia Spectador. “She’s the cheetah of the ocean. Or at least she will be soon. Mark my words, you’ll be seeing her on an Olympic podium.” In an interview with The Colombia Spectador about her progress, while face up in the pool with floaties adorning both arms, Neilson-Papfish explains, “I’m working on my float first. You can’t go from crawling to sprinting. There’s an in-between period.” At this point in the interview, other members of the swim team could be seen scribbling notes about her technique.

Cod-iver Green

After holding team tryouts, Coach de Sea was insistent about one thing: Cod-iver “Blub-Blub” Green, CC ’26, had to be given a spot on the team. Along with his impressive breaststroke time, de Sea reported to us that Green “literally believes he is a fish.” Green does not speak in comprehensible words, does not eat anything but fish food pellets, and spends most of his time on land flopping and writhing on the ground until he manages to fall back into the nearest source of water. However, as Assistant Coach Butter F. Ligh told us, “Iin the water, he’s a different beast.” Aside from a brief scare when they found him silently floating upside down at the surface and sputtering for air, Green’s pre-season so far has gone swimmingly.

Variation. When Coach Felippe learned that Brown was already enrolled at Barnard College, she was relieved, stating that, “With all this Epstein nonsense going around, you just can’t bribe like you used to.” This young phenom took to the sport like a duck to water, flipping here, there, and everywhere in the depths of Dodge. It wasn’t until a team lunch at the new Fac House fourth-floor balcony that coaches realized her greatest weakness: a minorto- possibly- life-threatening aversion to elevation. Coach de Sea told us, “We thought she was just showing off when she did a reverse 1½ somersaults with 4½ twists from the ground into the water…”

Coaches scouted this recruit in the wild, a fan favorite among Fannie’s Flatbush Freaks. Head Diving Coach, Dua Felippe, couldn’t believe her eyes as Clownfish, the contortionist-in-residence, hit a Marinely Bend straight into an Elbow Stand Ring Straight Legs Wide and ended the combination with a beautiful Donut

‘Last night was a movie’: Barnard’s long-term debt climbs to $274 million after crazy night at strip club

BY SPECK TATER Staff Writer

“What. The fuck. Happened last night,” said President Rosenbury at the beginning of an emergency meeting of administrators she called on Monday morning. “We need to talk about this,” she continued, proceeding to take a swig of her triple espresso latte, massage her temples, and fidget with her blackout sunglasses.

Our reporters didn’t catch the whole meeting, but they did capture the following quotes from the college president to the other administrators present:

“Many of us are still grappling with the consequences of that night, and we will be for weeks to come.”

“Richard, I told you to bring fives, not twenties! I know, the show was that good, but it’s just irresponsible!”

“To be clear, the me you saw

last night, that wasn’t me. But was I supposed to say no when Chastity offered me ket in the back room? All I want is to feel like a college student again…”

“I’m going to get the dispo developed tomorrow. I hope the pics turn out okay, I think some of these would fit great in my semester dump.”

“Thank GOD Claire didn’t accept our pity invitation, sheesh. Could you imagine if she saw what we got up to? She’s just so not chill about this stuff.”

“I was honestly shocked by how good that buffet was, I think I got thirds of the mussels…”

“Melissa, sorry, you’ve still got some glitter on your cheek. No, a little down to the left–there! You got it. Sorry to do this here, I just thought I should tell you because I know you’ve got a meeting in 15 to suspend a couple of lefties.”

tiple rounds of bottle service, complete with sparklers and scantily-clad women.

“No, I promise, I’d never been there before. I don’t know why the manager was acting like we were friends.” “We kissed?! You’re kidding. No, I remember, I just thought it was someone else. Ugh, fuck my

lifeeeee.”

Fac Shack chef comes clean: ‘I’ve never eaten Indian food, only chicken’

BY SASHA MAROULIS Staff Writer

In a recent Spectador exclusive interview, we spoke with Fac Shack Head Chef Marcus Farkus to better understand his inspiration for the popular dining spot’s unique meals.

“Well honestly, they told me they wanted it to be an Indian food dining option. I’ve never actually eaten Indian

BY MATTHIAS PRIDGEON Staff Writer

Columbia’s Administration has heard your many—many, unrelenting, truly unending— complaints, and, after months of careful consideration, is introducing the perfect solution: CUID Premium. This multitiered subscription service will offer a variety of paid CUID options for all incomes and needs. Benefits of the program include

food though. I subsist solely on chicken,” remarked Farkus. Diagnosed as a child with Alpha-gal syndrome, a strong aversion to red meat, Farkus grew up eating chicken for most meals. He then discovered his passion for cooking in his late teens.

“I knew that I loved chicken, and I wanted to learn about all the ways I could cook it,” he stated. Farkus began dabbling

with cooking chicken in a pan, the oven, and even sometimes on a grill.

“When Columbia reached out about the opportunity, I was ecstatic. Frankly, though, it ended up being a lot of work,” Farkus noted. “I had to fit my approach to the Indian cooking style they wanted, which meant learning to cook chicken in all sorts of imaginative ways. I learned to cook chick-

en in red sauce, orange sauce, with pepper, over lentils, and in reddish-orange sauce. It was a tough learning curve, but I think I’ve now mastered the craft of Indian cooking,” Farkus proudly remarked.

Since the surging popularity of Fac Shack, Farkus has been tasked with taking his chicken recipes global.

“Yeah now they want me making Thai, Greek, Chinese,

Columbia introduces CUID Premium

an even more established class hierarchy, access to previously missing campus features, and the bonus effect of supporting your school! There is a lot to look forward to: Columbia has already issued a lengthy statement via LionMail detailing their full plan to do “absolutely fuck all” with this new stream of income.

The lowest package, Gold Member, is designed to be accessible for all Columbia students—though, if it seems pric-

The new, super-duper, superior Bacchanal ticket sales system

BY ISABELLA PALIT Staff Writer

Inspired by the roaring success of other major concerts, Columbia will be switching over to Ticketmaster for the purchase of Bacchanal tickets this year. It will follow the standard too-many-presale system that works exceptionally well, like even more efficient than the Hamilton elevator line. The first presale will be exactly at your specific housing lottery time. Luckily, the second pre-

sale won’t be credit card dependent or anything crazy like that, but you will need exactly $307.46 in your dining dollars balance to access it. The third will be GPA-dependent, only for those with above a 4.0 (but don’t worry, none of them will be getting tickets). The final sale won’t be on Ticketmaster; instead, a thousand pieces of paper will be shot from a cannon on Low Steps, and exactly 14 of them will be the last remaining tickets. Good luck! Oh, and you will have never heard of the artist.

ey for you at the moment, loans with generous interest rates will be available for all tiers. A Gold Member, for the low, low price of 20k a month, will be able to swipe through any of the gates which, though now closed, were open for all just a few short years ago (see, we listened)! Columbia does regret to announce, though, that Gold members will still be subjected to a double ID tap at those locations, as well as a DUO verification, just to be safe. But Plat-

inum peeps, for just 5k more monthly, can avoid that hassle entirely, breezing right through the entrance with just a flash of their silvery CUID. Beyond that, several elite tiers will be offered for those students and alumni who either truly love supporting their school, or who have young children whose admissions odds just might possibly (wink wink) be improved by subscription to Diamond or Cobalt tiers. Niche benefits of other truly elite tiers

and Italian food! It’s definitely challenging getting all those cuisines right, but the good thing is they all almost exclusively eat chicken, so I’ll just have to learn about the different colored sauces for each cuisine,” claimed Farkus. “I’m thinking Thai’s yellow, Chinese is orange, Greek’s green or some shit, and Italian’s obviously red. That sounds pretty close, right?”

include access to all freshmen dorms for members of the Trustee tier or even, at the highest Presidential tier, the ability to print non-letter sized PDFs on Columbia’s printers. The Tier Intent form, mandatory for all students, is due next Friday, with down payments due the week following. Any CUIDs lost after that point will be charged a replacement fee scaled to their tier.

Columbia Facilities to establish minimum speed limit on campus due to you bitches still being too damn slow

BY MADELINE BASCH Staff Writer

In an overnight installation, students woke to find a new, surprising sore eye on Columbia’s once awe-inspiring campus: bright, neon-yellow “MINIMUM 4.5 MPH” traffic signs zip-tied to lampposts, trees, and poor ol’ Alma Mater herself. The installations have been confirmed to be a part of a large-scale reform effort: The Pedestrian Efficiency Enhancement Program (PEEP).

From 8:00 AM to 8:00 PM, certified “PEEP-ers” will be stationed alongside College Walk with handheld radar guns to ensure all students and faculty are following new protocols. Individuals detected with mph

less than 4.5 will have to endure what PEEP is calling “constructive public humiliation,” widely understood to mean being loudly harassed to “pick up the pace slow-poke” and “let’s get a move on, moron” in front of all of their peers.

“It’s a magnificent program,” said one PEEP representative, beaming with an unsettling optimism. “I’ve never felt greater professional fulfillment than to double-down and publicly humiliate 19-year-olds.”

During passing periods, PEEP-ers will even border off “express lanes” for high-performance pacers. And in order to keep an adherence to the policies, PEEP has developed a reward token system: maintain an average of 5.5 mph a week and

have the chance to cash in for a higher housing lottery number. Spectador’s sources report overwhelmingly positive response from the student body.“ I’m glad they are cracking down on the bitches who are just too damn slow,” commented Dash Walker (CC ‘26), a native New Yorker and avid jaywalker, when asked about the new policies.

“Quite frankly, it’s an epidemic of NPC behavior and brainless transplants. I guess they don’t teach purposeful pacing in bumfuck Ohio.” Though, not all are as enthusiastic as we are. And as of press time, a four-person wall of first-years has formed in the center of College Walk while they discuss weekend plans, astrological compatibility, and

1020 to close under new Mnookin presidency

BY ZOE SILVERMAN Staff Writer

Known for her no-nonsense style of leadership, the University of Wisconsin’s former Big Cheese Chancellor Mnookin made her adherence to the drinking age clear with a series of bar raids performed during her four years in power. Successfully handing out misdemeanors for underage students caught drinking in off-campus bars, Mnookin earned her nickname “Mnook ‘em Up” for the legacy numbers of students she put behind bars, specifically jail bars, not just the students caught hiding behind

bars while raids were conducted.

In anticipation of the incoming president, Columbia’s most popular off-campus bar, 1020, has announced this month that it will be shutting its doors at the end of the summer. Citing the statistic that 90 percent of their clientele is under the age of 21, the bar knew they could not financially withstand the loss of the 18-year-old freshman clientele, newly learning their drinking limit and spending hundreds of dollars to black out every Wednesday. The news was heartbreaking for many students who found their last situationship inside those four walls just months prior and are now actively seek-

ing a new match. However, 1020 did announce that they will be hosting one final rager to ring in their past two years of incredible success following their grand re-opening in 2024. This rager will be hosted in collaboration with The Colombia Spectador under the title “Fed Bash.” Finally, a party where the only thing more irresponsible than the students is the journalism! Partiful acceptances are selective to evade Mnookin’s eagle eye; please provide The Colombia Spectador with three reference letters if you even want a chance of making it on the list.

I’M FED UP! We need butt

jokes about Butler Library

BY MADELINE BASCH Staff Writer

That’s it. I’m finally breaking my silence. Call whatever you want. Potty humor? Sure. Childish? Right on. A tragic misuse of an Ivy League education? Abso-fucking-lutely. I mean, we literally walk past it everyday. We say the name out loud. Professors say it. Tour guides. Even parents utter it with the utmost admiration, quivering at the massive sight of it! And yet right when I think we’ve woken up and FINALLY seen the punchline… nothing. And to be quite frank,

it’s a phat, blatant disrespect to our own integrity as Columbia students. Somewhere between Lit Hum and CC we’ve been brainwashed to believe dignity was more important than childhood joy.

So, since you all don’t have a singular funny bone in those scrawny bodies of yours, I’ll break it down for you.

It’s absolutely massive.

The bathrooms are horrid.

It’s the epicenter for shitty papers and endless suffering. And it’s called Buttler. AND. NOT. ONE. JOKE?

We’ve totally lost the plot.

Like, the potential jokes and double meanings are endless!

Like “Butler is so packed I can’t

get in,” or “Is it just me or does Butler smell weird today?” And we definitely can get creative with it with “Oh, IBS (I’ve been studying) at Butler,” or “Let’s rendezvous at But(t) tonight.” And they don’t even HAVE to be butt/poop/potty joke formulas. C’mon we literally have “Butler… I hardly know her,” staring in our faces.

Oh, and merch potential is crazy. Imagine t-shirts like “Keep our Butt Clean” or “I survived midterms at Butt.”

It’s our time to rebuild history. The future of Columbia on-campus jargon lies in our hands. So, say it with me now: FREE THE BUTT!

Editor of Columbia Political Review steps forward when asked if anyone knows CPR

BY JULIA RYAN Staff Writer

Polly Tickl, managing editor of Columbia’s premier journal for review of politics, was proud and honored to be called forth when a man collapsed on the ground after complaining of chest pains.

“I’ve been doing CPR my

entire time at college,” she reassured panicked onlookers. Tickl had indeed begun writing her freshman year as a guest columnist, and worked her way up to managing after briefly getting lost in the confusing chain of command during sophomore year. “All of my friends are so understanding when I tell them I can’t hang out because I have CPR; they’re like ‘no, no you go,

you’re saving lives, you’re incredible!’”

Turning now to the frantic crowd, she continued, “I’m just so glad everyone here is so enthusiastic about the importance of fostering multi-partisan political discourse via open forum!” The identity and fate of the man who collapsed will be kept anonymous, as per CPR policy.

LeFrak Center for Well-Being hires dietitian to starve out students

BY HELEN LIANG Staff Writer

In light of anticipated economic downturn, New York City college students have gotten creative in their money-saving strategies. The most popular? Abstaining from food. The Financial Wellness branch of Barnard’s LeFrak Center for Well-Being has decided to support their students through the hiring of a new staff member: Dr. Ana Rexia.

A board-certified dietitian

specializing in “aspirational thinness,” Dr. Rexia received her PhD in Restrictive Studies at Columbia University’s School for Intentional Scarcity. She has vowed to help mitigate the ongoing economic crisis by offering some of the world’s most life-changing medical advice: “If you aren’t so happy with your numbers, whether it be the one in your bank account or the one on your scale, the solution is simple: just stop eating!”

In all of her appetite-suppressing glory, Dr. Rexia plans

to roll out a new series of campus-thinning initiatives, including one in partnership with Barnard Dining. Planned to launch at the end of cuffing season (“no boyfriend, no food”), all dining hall meals are to be replaced with sugar-free soda, ozempic shots, and inspirational quotes like “be hungry for LEARNING!”

“It’s extremely cost-effective to not feed our students,” said Dr. Rexia in a statement. “Plus, they’ll be bikini-ready for that upcoming spring break trip to Cancun!”

Columbia

to add a communications major in Fall 2026

BY STELLA TUROWSKY-GANCI Staff Writer

A recent statement from Columbia College has announced that a communications major will begin to be offered starting in Fall 2026. Columbia has never offered a major in communications before, and is hop-

ing that the new program will bring in a diverse array of new students interested in fields relating to communication. The statement from the College reads as follows: “You all keep saying you want more communication. It’s always, ‘There’s not enough communication, why won’t admin talk to us, wah wah,’ well HERE! HERE YOU GO! Are you HAPPY now?”

Passover and April Fools collide; Wicked son pranks the fuck out of dumbass simple son

BY SASHA MAROULIS Staff Writer

With Passover falling on April 1st this year, wicked sons across the country are taking the opportunity to prank the absolute shit out of their dumbfuck simple son brothers during their Passover seders. Despite being encouraged to reflect on the sacrifices of his ancestors,

one local wicked son decided to wreak havoc on his simple brother: blaming him for farts the wicked son slipped, shoving maror up his nose, and pocketing his Afikomen prize money. We can only hope that the wicked son will learn the error of his ways before he loses a place in the World to Come, but it’s honestly pretty hard to feel bad for someone as unfathomably stupid as the simple son.

Across

1. A very funny individual OR Alexander Hamilton, e.g.

4. A watcher, a beta, someone who’s not in on the action

6. A cute response to, “Shall we go get some froyo? ” 8. Its showers bring May flowers

Down

2. Some may think that the ones of ERS are arbitrary, and they are WRONG

3. My dog does this while watching me eat

5. _______ good times, come on!!

7. They tend to rush in

Merriam-Webster declares ‘Lowkirkenuinely’ 2026 Word of the Year

BY DANI WINKLER Staff Writer

In an unprecedented move, the Merriam-Webster dictionary has pre-emptively declared “lowkirkenuinely” to be the 2026 Word of the Year. The designation, which is normally awarded in December, was decided in an emergency vote last week by the dictionary’s editorial staff. “While we have historically allowed the trend cycle to run its course, a word materialized in January that truly encapsulates the ethos of 2026,” editor Hans von Werdel told The Colombia Spectador. “After hearing the adverb for the first time, our editorial staff knew immediately that we were wad-

ing in unique and unprecedented waters.” Merriam-Webster defines “lowkirkenuinely” as a portmanteau of three distinct words and phrases: “lowkey,” “Charlie Kirk,” and “genuinely.”

The word is used as an expression of acknowledgement with the tonal gravity appropriate to the memory of the deceased political figure. Some examples of “lowkirkenuinely” used in a sentence include:

“When you’re eating chicken strips at JJs and you realize the meat is lowkirkenuinely raw.”

“Lowkirkenuinely, I need to lock in on my class participation or Dean Sorett is going to drop me from Religion & Hip Hop.”

“If JFK Jr. had stayed with Daryl Hana instead of leaving

Shipman calls NYPD on students for old time’s sake

BY BEAU GANTZ Staff Writer

In her final act as University President, a teary-eyed Claire Shipman looked out towards a beautiful sunset on Columbia’s campus, listened to the distant sounds of cheerful students building a snowman, and dialed up 9-1-1 one last time.

“So many wonderful memories here,” Shipman said while standing in front of Butler library, as sirens wailed in the distance. “I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to sic the police on 19-year-olds in the greatest city in the world.”

“What am I gonna miss most?” Shipman appeared to

ask an imaginary interviewer, “That’s easy. The people,” she answered, while extending her arms around a middle aged cop in riot gear and a sleep-deprived Allied Security guard.

“I’ll never forget this place,” said Shipman, “I’ll always remember all those times I reasonably authorized use of force, and when I successfully protected our students from ICE, and especially when everybody cheered for me at graduation. Good times.”

Shipman was seen taking one last wistful look at a police officer drop-kicking a Human Rights major before walking through the gates and into the sunset.

her for the Calvin Klein choppelganger, I lowkirkenuinely don’t think he would have died.”

Von Werdel continued, “In a year of unbridled nonchalance, ‘lowkirkenuinely’ emerges as a beacon of seriousness, recognizing the weight of facts or opinions within the wider cultural landscape.”

How do you use “lowkirkenuinely”? Have a funny anecdote involving the word? Write to us at opinion@colombiaspectador.com!

MERRIAM-WEBSTER | The dictionary legend defines ‘lowkirkenuinely’ as their 2026 Word of the Year. Previous words of the year have included ‘slop’ (2025), ‘polarization’ (2024), ‘authentic’ (2023), ‘gaslight’ (2022), ‘vaccine’ (2021), and ‘pandemic’ (2020).

Jealous Columbia administrator wondering how everyone else got all these vacation days

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF Staff Writer

The Justice Department’s release of three million additional files from the Epstein investigation has sent shockwaves through the Columbia community, implicating several prominent professors, trustees, and “Center for Well-Being” namesakes. However, none were surprised by the news more than Columbia administrator Frederick O’Phaisle, who reacted to the news of other administra-

tors’ involvement with a deep feeling of FOMO. “How the hell was everyone getting all these extra vacation days?” O’Phaisle told a Spectador reporter, seething with envy. “Sure, I would’ve loved a quick island vacation too, what kind of Columbia trustee in their right mind wouldn’t? But I only get two weeks off each year, there isn’t enough time for that!”

O’Phaisle continued ranting to us, insisting that these files should force Columbia to investigate excessive use of vacation days by faculty and staff

and retroactively rescind their pay: “You know, I sometimes saw Francine take off a few days early, but I never thought much of it. Now I’m pissed, why didn’t she invite me? And Brian, don’t even try to pull that ‘time is relative’ shit – I know you were canceling your office hours to hop on that crosstown bus.”

O’Phaisle continued his tirade, but our Spectador reporter was reasonably creeped out and subsequently ended the interview.

Columbia commencement speaker to be last man in iron lung

BY LIVY MOLKO Staff Writer

As the end of spring semester quickly approaches, commencement preparations are underway. In a recent announcement, acting Columbia President Claire Shipman announced that this years’ commencement speaker would be Polio Paul, perhaps the biggest celebrity in medical history. Spending 74 years relying on a nine foot long iron tube to breathe, Polio Paul is known to have the record for the longest time living while inside of an iron lung. This came as a shock to all Columbia students,

following in the footsteps of renowned past commencement speakers like Joe Biden, Maya Angelou, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Marie Curie. As news spread around campus, students and faculty alike could not contain themselves.

“I mean, I’m just in shock. I cried when the news came out.

I almost passed out. Like that’s a legend, dude. None of those phony past speakers compare,” remarked one excited student, sprawled across Low steps, attempting to catch his breath.

In the announcement, Shipman wrote that Columbia would celebrate the speaker this year as, “a symbol of resilience, tradition, and manhood,

Students participate in last swim test of semester

BY OLIVER GREEN Staff Writer

And just like that, another year of successful swim tests is in the books! This Tuesday, March 31, Columbia College seniors flocked to the Uris pool to participate in the final swim test offered this semester, a requirement for all CC seniors in order to graduate and receive their diplomas. Our reporters were on the scene as students happily completed their three lengths of the pool and celebrated with their friends, thrilled that they had finally checked their last box to graduate.

We interviewed one senior, Franklin Smith, about his experience completing the test.

“I had a really good time swimming with my friends, and now I’m so excited for graduation!”

He told us, cheerily. “And I’m really glad that my friend told me this was the last possible test with enough time left for me to sign up. Imagine if I had forgotten and wouldn’t have been able to graduate! I’d have felt like such an idiot.”

The Spectador staff sends our congratulations to all the seniors who completed their final CC requirement on Tuesday, and we wish them luck.

some traits many students could afford to learn from.” Despite the forward moving medical technology, Polio Paul stuck to the good ‘ol iron lung, inspiring those across the globe to embrace 20th century medicinal practices. In addition to his dedication to surviving inside the iron lung, Polio Paul also has a law degree and wrote his own memoir using a pen in his mouth.

Columbia has begun preparations to accommodate the full iron lung atop the speaker pedestal. The Columbia bookstore employees are working day and night to stitch together enough graduation gowns to cover the entire lung.

Barnard relocates

commencement from Radio City Music Hall to Robertson Field

BY COLOMBIA SPECTADOR STAFF Staff Writer

In an email titled “Barnard College Commencement Update,” the Barnard College Commencement Planning Team announced to graduating seniors that the official Barnard College Commencement has been moved to Robertson Field at Satow Stadium.

This update follows the highly controversial decision in February to move Columbia University Commencement to the Robert K. Kraft Field at Baker Athletics Complex. University Commencement, which is held for all four undergraduate schools, has historically been celebrated on Columbia University’s Morningside Campus. The backlash was immediate and unexpected, as students at Columbia are historically known to roll over and take any sort of unwanted treatment by University administrators. A few weeks later, Columbia sent

out another location update, officially moving Commencement back to Morningside campus in an email titled “Ok Damn Didn’t Know You Guys Cared That Much.”

Following the University’s initial choice to break from tradition, Barnard College’s recent announcement backtracks on previous statements that assured the school’s commencement would be held at Radio City Music Hall in midtown Manhattan.

An excerpt from the email is as follows:

“Dear Barnard Community, Please disregard all of our previous communications. This year, we are excited to welcome family and friends of the Barnard College 2026 graduating class to the Robertson Field at Satow Stadium for the 134th Barnard College Commencement Ceremony on Tuesday, May 19, 2026 at 4 p.m.

Robertson Field is located to the right of the Robert K. Kraft Field, which was the

location of University-wide Commencement until about a month ago. Given the Columbia football team’s record, we weren’t expecting any of you to know where the Robert K. Kraft Field was located, so really, we expected that moving Barnard Commencement would be doing you all a favor to familiarize yourselves with the area. Now we’ve heard that the University has moved Commencement back to Morningside campus due to all of your complaining. Unfortunately, we’re now locked into contractual agreements, and, frankly, Barnard College cannot afford paying legal bills.

Also, we’re not going to be monitoring this email at all for the next month for unrelated reasons, but please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns or whatever.

Sincerely, Barnard College Commencement Planning Team commencement@barnard. edu”

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