May 2026

THE TEAM Letter from the Feditors

EDITORIAL BOARD

Feditors-In-Chief

Oliver Green

Inica Kotasthane

Managing Editors

Aron Shklar

Zoe Silverman

Head Submissions Editors

Beau Gantz

Livy Molko

GENERAL BOARD

Publisher

Valerie Yum

Arts Editors

Isabella Palit

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Head Copy Editor

Clara Neilson-Papish

Head Layout Editor

Kamtoya Okeke

Social Media Editor

Reza Shayesteh

Online Editor

Kimberly Wing

Games Editor

Sophia Brown

Minister of Mischief

Sasha Maroulis

Senior Advisor

Dani Winkler STAFF

Submissions

Editors

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelbe

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sasha Maroulis

Sophia Mariano

Clara Neilson-Papish

Julia Ryan

Zoe Silverman

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Dani Winkler

Valerie Yum

Copy Editors

Sophia Brown

Divya Chaudry

(Copy Editors cont’d)

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelbe

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Ariel Mura

Clara Neilson-Papish

Julia Ryan

Aron Shklar

Winston Vuong

Jaylen Wright

Valerie Yum

Layout Editors

Divya Chaudry

Liz Lewis

Helen Liang

Zach Morais

Ariel Mura

Julia Ryan

Alix Sivolella

Iris Tang

Joshua Thorne

Staff Writers

Daksh Badri

Andrew Barth

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

James Coppersmith

Beau Gantz

Oliver Green

Shawn Kathuria

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Sofia La Fata - Hornillos

Helen Liang

Sylvia Lipsyte

Elena Lukac

Elijah Segal

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Sasha Maroulis

Livy Molko

Clara Neilson-Papish

Julia Ryan

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Anand Shukla-Parekh

Zoe Silverman

Isabella Palit

Matthias Pridgeon

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Winston Vuong

Vanessa Wilson

Dani Winkler

Madelyn Xaysanasy

Valerie Yum

Staff Artists

Sienna Granillo

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Aron Shklar

Dear Loyal Reader,

It has been our honor to lead The Columbia Federalist this year. Since joining The Fed as underclassmen and eventually stepping into leadership, we have had the difficult task of writing funny stories in deeply unfunny times. These past four years, the university has abandoned its obligations to academic freedom, student and faculty autonomy, and protection of the community. In our sophomore year, we witnessed the NYPD arrest and brutalize our peers for protesting for Palestine. In our junior year, we saw increased restrictions on student speech and expression. In our senior year, a student was abducted by ICE from her campus housing. These are not normal circumstances for us as students and as a nation, and it has felt increasingly difficult to laugh in the face of these injustices.

Nevertheless, we persisted through these past four years, publishing everything from political satire to poop jokes. We hope that The Fed has helped give a voice to our shared frustration and dissatisfaction with the status quo on our campus. And, if nothing else, we hope we’ve at least given you a chuckle or two, as we know those can sometimes feel rare these days.

We are immensely grateful to our amazing staff who has worked so hard to keep the paper running and produce six issues that we are so proud of. We are so proud of our publication’s work this year, and we are excited to see you all carry The Fed forward. Feditors out.

Xoxo, Inica & Oliver

P.S. please email us if you or anyone you know is hiring. We have a specialized but incredibly limited set of mediocre skills.

Cover by Stella Turowsky-Gancy | Double Truck by Isabella Palit

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: What’s an amendment?

PAGE 4: The job market

PAGE 5: New Columbia minors

PAGE 6: Commencement

PAGE 7: Wow, so impressive

PAGE 8: Food insecurity

PAGE 9: NO MORE PIZZA

PAGE 10: Bring back tents

PAGE 11: Alexa play Burn by Phillipa Soo

PAGE 12: Doubletruck

PAGE 14: Welcoming Molly Tea

PAGE 15: Shirt them!!!

PAGE 16: Loner alert

PAGE 17: Class of ‘97

PAGE 18: Vergil v Goblin Rap Battle

PAGE 19: Gregor Samsa I love you

PAGE 20: Hold my hand, comrade

PAGE 21: Goodbye forever

PAGE 22: 1984

PAGE 23: Clickbait image

Graduating Senior Struggles with Unfamiliar Concept of Open Gates, Free Speech

By Federalist Staff

home away from home

With Commencement quickly approaching, soon-graduating seniors have been scrambling to become more familiar with the city outside of the Morningside Heights bubble. Whether you’re finally taking a train that isn’t the 1 or you’ve recently realized that Long Island isn’t actually a NYC borough, seniors are seeking advice on how to survive post-grad. Jim Martin, class of 2025, offered his wisdom when he recently spoke to The Federalist about his new career and life journey beyond the gates of Columbia University.

“It’s a scary world out there,” Martin admitted. He detailed how, on his first day of work, he stood outside of his office’s front doors searching for an ID scanner until he realized the doors were actually unlocked and open to just anyone. Even more shocking was his

experience in not having to leave his driver’s license with the security guards at the front desk. “They, like, trust you out there. I’m not used to that,” Martin confided.

Martin also described his experience at a heated floor meeting.

“My boss was talking about the latest quartile and he said something that didn’t seem right. I raised my hand and said, ‘Hey, I don’t agree with that,’ and I was just waiting to get doxxed or sent to a disciplinary meeting with admin. None of that happened. My boss even said he appreciated that I voiced a different point of view.” Martin appeared bewildered. “Imagine Shafik, Armstrong, Shipman, or Rosenbury saying that?”

Martin’s new experiences also expand out of the office. Claiming that he “didn’t know there was a big park in the middle of Man-

hattan,” Martin was shocked that there were no green or red flags indicating whether a field could be sat on, and he reports that scaffolding, bleachers, and tents blocking walkways and land are scarcely

SIPA to Offer New Master’s Degree in ‘Sir, Yes Sir!’ Starting 2026

By Madelyn Xaysanasy concentration in bootlicking

Columbia University recently released its plans to invest in infrastructure to support the ever-expanding undergraduate population. Alongside the institution’s funding for these campus improvements, the School of International and Public Affairs has announced its new graduate program in partnership with the United States Department of Defense War.

SIPA will now be offering a master’s degree in “Sir, Yes Sir!” including courses such as “I Spy: The Art of Civilian Surveillance” with adjunct professor Peter Thiel, “Boots, Boots, Boots: A

Culinary Guide to Licking Soles” featuring a panel of pardoned January 6th freedom fighters, and “WHAT THE FRACK: Why America Needs to Help the Middle East” sponsored by Exxon.

This new program aims to better equip the future leaders who reportedly go here with the necessary skills to combat “lame wokies.” In response to this development, the Trump Administration has announced that Columbia may even receive a Gold Star for being such a good boy.

seen. Unfortunately, amid this excitement of discovering what lies beyond the Columbia experience, Martin admitted that he still looks for glimpses of Captain Bayonne around every trashcan he sees.

An Email GUARANTEED to Get You Off That Waitlist

By Julia Ryan, Clara Neilson-Papish, and Sophia Brown

Dearest

Illustrious Professoress Tal Malkin,

When I was a child, my mom (who is closely affiliated with the trustees of Columbia University and recently named as most generous donor for her monetary contributions to the construction of the massive bust of Mnookin to be placed on the Sundial) asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied, a student of your MW 10:10 am [COMS W3261] Computer Science Theory: Computability - Models - Computation class. I am unable to attend your 8:40

am class. I have ADHD (self-diagnosed and severe), I need to stay up on Sunday nights to see the Euphoria drops for my mental health, and I am scared of Ferris before 9 AM because that’s when the rowers are there. Additionally, I am culturally left-handed which has been proven to result in shorter lifespans. Also, I met a Native American person once, and we had a lot in common, and I really feel like I resonate with their experiences of systemic oppression as someone who grew up lower upper class. Moreover, I am brunette.

In conclusion, ask not what you

Help! My Mom Rejected My Internship Application

By Matthias Pridgeon

not again!

To anyone who will listen: please attend to my tale of woe! This morning, my application to be a summer intern in my own (upper-middle-class) home was rejected.

I’d gotten desperate following a string of rejections from various prestigious NYC internship opportunities: Goldman Sachs, a dozen other firms whose names I didn’t bother to check, Porcelain Doll’s Gentleman Club, and even Chipotle. So, desperate, I sent my Mom a full application to intern at home, doing my laundry, washing my dishes, and perhaps occasionally laying out a cutesy little table setting.

There was no official job posting, but I sent my Mom my (500+connection-ed) LinkedIn account, poured my heart into my cover letter, and embellished my resume with some chores I have not in fact done at college. Not only that, but I even finally called my parents back, just to suck up a bit. AND YET, lo and behold, what do I receive in my email today but a rejection email from my very own mother, signed “With love,” just to rub salt in the wound.

She just keeps telling me to come home and enjoy my summer, that our jacuzzi would be good for my obvious stress.

registration, shmegistration

can do for your students, but what your students can do for you. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, Ikea construction—know that I am unafraid to stoop. I will be your body double in a fight. I will climb the highest peaks to harvest the sweetest fruits so that they may grace your cavernous maw.

Thank you for your thoughtful consideration. I trust that you will make the best choice for your career.

Very humbly and also respectfully, Dez Perataux I

I guess she just doesn’t understand my grindset.

I’m thinking of trying to barter with her—maybe I could do an unpaid home internship? Just build up some chore-doing experience for future skill application?

I think I might have a better success rate there, and I need something for the ol’ resume. Plus, at this rate, I’m definitely going to need to learn how to do my own housework, because I might have a month or two after graduation before I’ve socked up or inherited enough dough to hire a maid or two.

[Attached: Photo copy of a twenty-dollar bill and Jamba Juice™ gift card.]

Ready to be a B.A.ddie?

BBL Graduation Gowns Now Available for Purchase

By Ava Lyon-Sereno and Inica Kotasthane

bbl = big titties, lil’ waist

Are you a senior prepping for graduation? Are you worried about that fugly blue blanket flattening out your assets? Do you want to ensure that your graduation photos show you to be as employable (slutty) as possible (no judgement, it’s a tough job market for all of us)? Well, worry no more! The Columbia Bookstore is partnering with the Columbia Tailoring Club to offer discounted alterations to make that hot bod POP!

The full list of alterations include:

• Waist Cincher: With this minimal procedure, your waist will look SLIGHTLY MORE SNATCHED and your hips SLIGHTLY MORE CHILD-BEARING!

• #8: Get an hourglass silhouette with a corset and push-up bra (or pushout bulge) built into your gown!

• The Scholar’s Lion: A gown alteration that’ll make your parents say something positive about your body (for the first time since 2009)!

• Vacuum-Sealed: A form-fitting look that’ll have people saying “HOW are they walking across that stage?” These alterations are available for purchase at the Columbia Bookstore until University Commencement, on May 20. On-site tailors will also be available at all graduation ceremonies, class days, and Baccalaureate Service for your last minute needs!

Hungarian Pastry Shop Cuts Seating by 25 Percent, Cites Perverse Joy Watching Adults Squeeze into Tables Built for Toddlers

By Sasha Maroulis

Columbia’s 50+ New Minors

By Anand Shukla-Parekh, Emily Lepow, and Oliver Green

concentrations next

skip leg day

The beloved Hungarian Pastry Shop recently announced that they would be cutting their seating by roughly 25 percent to accommodate their staff’s masochistic pleasure of watching fully grown adults buttscoot across chairs built for young children while spilling old coffees and apologizing to seated patrons.

“Yeah it was really a no brainer,” stated Hungarian Pastry Shop owner Poppy Seidrall. “Our staff was getting a bit bored of yelling at people holding the door open - it’s low-hanging fruit, you know? We thought it’d be better to watch these yuppie, book-writing worms try their best to wiggle their way into baby-sized tables and chairs.”

Our Fed field reporters interviewed patrons to see what they thought of the seating change.

“I love it, honestly,” said Carston

Thunderwurst, a budding independent Young Adult novelist from the south side of Scarsdale. “I get to crawl into my lil’ space and write for hours while glaring at people who try to take my seat. I earned it, you know?”

We do know, Carston. Thanks for helping make Morningside Heights a mecca for diverse creatives. Godspeed getting out of your lil’ space once Hungarian closes.

Columbia Startup Seeks Warm Bodies

By Inica Kotasthane

rough economy

A new financial tech startup, IndeServ (short for Indentured Servitude™), founded by Maude Enslaivüner SEAS ‘28 and Dan Smith SEAS ‘27, is seeking warm bodies for the beta testing of their platform. IndeServ is an online space where “apprenticeship meets forced labor,” says Enslaivüner.

“We want to serve our clients’ needs in the fastest, most unethical way possible,” she continued. “Food delivery apps have to abide by the pesky minimum wage. Personal

shoppers always get the wrong kind of milk. We circumvent all of these problems by depriving our employees of all autonomy and compensation!”

Smith told The Fed he was just “trying to get some startup experience.”

IndeServ has done recruiting on campus for “highly skilled warm bodies” that are capable of manual, mental, and emotional labor. Interested candidates will receive their freedom upon the completion of seven years of employment with IndeServ.

This week, Columbia announced via email that they will be introducing 50+ new minors, including but not limited to:

1. Portuguese

2. Obedience

3. Microbrewing

4. Gerbil Studies

5. Quiche: Yummy or No?

6. History of Montana

7. Uncensored History of Montana

8. Clogmaking

9. Physiology

10. Breakfast

11. Woke Studies

12. Neocon studies

13. Minors

14. Literacy Studies: Words and their Spelling

15. Vibe Coding

16. Tax Evasion

17. Majors

18. Doom Scrolling

19. Gentrification

20. University Reading

21. Anime and Manga

22. Women’s Rights and Women’s Wrongs (Barnard joint major)

23. Buddhist Approaches to Market Analytics

24. Rolling a Ciggie

25. Square Dancing

26. Getting Laid

27. Pickling

28. Pickleballing

29. 2024 Kendrick Lamar-Drake beef

30. Curdling

31. Shadow puppetry

32. Audio-Visual Arts

33. Breakdancing and Lost Dance Styles

34. Tech Bro Culture

35. History and Theory of Roblox

36. Geometry, Trigonometry and Shapes

37. Apple © History

38. Canadian Studies

39. Board Game Creation

40. Herstory

41. Norwegian Studies

42. Slavic and Eastern European Language, Culture, and Vibe

43. Short-Form Reel Arts

44. Dreams: Day and Night

45. Animatronic Creation

46. Fiber Arts

47. Ozempic Science

48. Obama Impressionism

49. Tech Deck Theory and Performance

50. Nonchalance

51. Pokémon Card Evaluation

52. LinkedIn Techniques and Game Mastery

53. Garbage

54. Encamping

55. University Funding Strategy and Negotiation

56. Kebabs

57. Ticketmaster Mastering

58. Animal Friendship

59. Tickling

60. Kitchen (Barnard only)

61. Somelliering

62. Queerbaiting Culture

63. Glee Studies: Seasons 1-3

64. Abstinence Studies and Practice

65. FANBOYS Mastery

66. Film & Movie Studies

67. Glee Studies: Seasons 4-6

68. Glee Studies: The Tour

Unused Fed Headlines Up for Grabs!

By Oliver Green

first come first serve

Now that I’m graduating, I’m realizing I’ll no longer be able to use many of my unfinished article-less headlines in my Google Drive. So, although they went unused for a reason, in the spirit of leaving everything on the line, here are my leftover headlines from my four years on The Columbia Federalist:

• $20 Million Vanishes From Columbia Endowment – In Other News, 40-Foot-Tall Mechanical Statue Of Chef Mike Riding A Fire-Breathing Elephant Erected On College Walk

• Ahh… The First Robin Of Spring! Oh Wait, That’s Just A Chef Don’s Pizza Slice Hurtling Towards Me At An Unusually High Velocity

• In Attempt To Deal With The Lantern Flies, Flooded Columbia Paths Marked With “Insect Pool Party!” Signs (It Was Really Rainy This Month Trust Me)

• Breaking: Nothing Very Goofy Has Happened Recently

• “You Want Practical? We’ll Make It Practical!” Says Administration As Lerner Ramps Are Replaced With Monkey Bars

• Gotcha! Bwog Was Just Us Playing A Prank The Whole Time

• The Great God Pan Statue To Be Replaced With “Sexy Prezbo”

• Pro: Found A Summer Sublet! Con: It’s In Charleston, WV

Claire Shipman Blows Chunks After One Meal at Johnny’s

By Livy Molko

In a final move to show how involved she is with the student body, Shipman decided to indulge in what her team told her was a “popping spot on campus to eat.” Shipman made her way over to Johnny’s to publicly devour a burrito, after cutting the line of hungry students. Reportedly, she stood outside of the truck, laid her elbow on the window, and just said, “the usual,” to which the dining employee replied, “I don’t know who you are.”

When Shipman received her burrito, she remarked over the dampness of its texture, before unwrapping it in its entirety, seeming as though it was her first time encountering a burrito. She

based on a true story

then took a bite out of the long side, chewed, and swallowed with a scowl.

Later that day, one group of students outside of Butler reportedly saw her stumbling down College Walk, before stopping on the west lawn and, in the words of one disturbed student, “making sick all over the fresh cut grass.” Students sat nearby, happily devouring their full Butter Chicken burritos with happy tummies and full hearts.

Shipman later released an apology statement where she declared that what was previously known as Johnny’s will be replaced with a Public Safety truck, powered by coal.

Columbia Dining Replaces All Fruit with Wax Fruit

By Sophia Brown, Clara Neilson-Papish, and Julia Ryan

do these strawberries taste weird to y’all?

Must-Haves for Commencement

By Zoe Silverman who brought the vape?

1. A printed-out PDF of your LinkedIn profile in case any adult asks what you’re “doing next”

2. A Staples’ “easy” button for DILFS spotted in the crowd

3. A single AirPod so you can listen to the new Paul McCartney album while speeches drone on

4. A carefully curated “effortlessly emotional” face for photos

5. A fog machine set to “dramatic exit”

6. A pair of ridiculously large scissors in case you need to cut a ceremonial ribbon

7. A “Caution: Wet Floor” sign that can be used to cover trips and falls

8. A hand mirror for checking if that TikTok shop lip stain has started to fade

9. A crumpled mask in case your dad’s predictions come true and “2020 comes back”

10. A mini deodorant and a good excuse to pass it to the person next to you

11. A pair of really big sunglasses because you will cry if Rory Gilmore comes out and does her valedictorian speech to Lorelai

12. A space-themed fidget spinner/ rainbow pop it/ rubik’s cube/ slime

13. A really crunchy apple or a small bag of chips makes a perfect quiet snack

14. The hamster that runs the Canvas web page

15. Your phone, like, actually do not forget that in an Uber again, as Iqbal will not be driving it all the way back to Manhattan for a second time this semester

In an effort to reduce food waste, Columbia Dining announced that in the coming months they will be replacing all dining hall “hand fruit” with wax replicas. Bananas, apples, oranges—you name it, will undergo a paraffin transformation. Highly realistic, extremely durable, and equal in nutrient value, the wax replicas exhibit brighter, more vibrant versions of their counterparts. Now the banana that’s been sitting in your backpack will remain perfectly ripe forever.

During The Fed’s interview with Chef Tussaud, he led us into the dimly-lit basement, where he was carving a human-sized wax figure of a

dining hall worker to man the entryway. “We just figured while we were at it, we should probably replicate as much stuff as possible,” he explained. By 2046, he plans to eliminate all food waste by replacing food, staff, students, buildings, and the little mints they keep in baskets but act really stingy when you grab a handful, with one-to-one wax-replicas.

The Fed sought comment from Columbia Eco Reps President, Bea Greene, who approves of the initiative, “I’m just glad Columbia is finally doing something about their massive carbon footprint. Let’s hope it doesn’t get too hot this summer!”

Columbia Announces Commencement Speaker; Entire Class Nods Respectfully, Secretly Googles ‘Who?’

By Vanessa Wilson

In a proud academic tradition that spans decades, Columbia University has unveiled its 2026 Commencement speaker; a deeply accomplished, globally respected, and entirely unrecognisable individual.

Across the city, NYU casually announced Sarah Jessica Parker as their speaker, confirming what Columbia students have long suspected: NYU operates under a different, more glamorous branch of reality.

“I’m sure our speaker is amazing,” said a graduating senior, already 14 tabs deep into Google results. “It’s just concerning that the first thing that comes up is ‘Did you mean…?’”

Sources confirm Columbia students reacted to the announcement with their signature blend of forced intellectualism and quiet panic. Within minutes, group chats were flooded with messages like, “Wait, does any-

one actually know them?” and “I think they’re huge in, like… policy?”

University officials described the speaker as “visionary,” “transformative,” and “deeply aligned with Columbia values,” which students have interpreted to mean: “Not famous but will say something about resilience.”

Meanwhile, NYU seniors are reportedly preparing to be personally addressed by Carrie Bradshaw.

“It’s not that I’m upset,” said one Columbia student, visibly upset. “It’s just that she literally narrated my childhood and we’re getting someone who once wrote a paper about infrastructure.” Still, Columbia students are committed to making the most of the experience. Many have begun practicing the art of Commencement Nodding (a subtle, rhythmic motion that signals understanding without requiring any actual comprehension). “You

just tilt your head slightly and smile,” explained one senior. “Like: ‘Yes… systems… impact… absolutely.’”

Others are holding out hope for a last-minute twist, citing recent Bacchanal history as proof that chaos is always an option. In particular, students fondly recall the legendary pivot to Waka Flocka Flame, who appeared unexpectedly and performed “No Hands” to a crowd that had prepared emotionally for somebody who, again, nobody has heard of. “Honestly, that’s the energy we need,” said senior, Dista Pointed (CC’26). “If this speaker cancels and Waka Flocka walks out screaming ‘NO HANDS’ while I’m in a cap and gown, I will finally feel something.” At press time, Columbia seniors were seen rehearsing polite applause, downloading NYU’s livestream, and bookmarking the speaker’s Wikipedia page “just in case it comes

he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page?!

up in conversation later.”

Seniors will nod and smile, and they will not know who is speaking.

Macroeconomics Students Reflect on Their Unemployment

Every year, heaps of students enroll in the Intermediate Macroeconomics course at Barnard or Columbia. A prerequisite for the Economics major, hundreds of IB analyst-hopefuls try their best to excel at applying made-up theories on made-up scenarios. Despite his cynicism towards the application of macroeconomics in the real world, Luke Engforwerk (CC ‘27), has found that a certain premise taught in class hits too close to home.

One day, Engforwerk walked into class and saw the following written on the board:

“The longer you stay unemployed, the harder it is to get a job.

If you’re unemployed, it’s harder to get a job.”

“Okay, ouch,” thought Engforwerk, who has struggled to find summer employment the past two years sans a gig he was nepo’ed into: pulling weeds in Grandma Engforwerk’s

garden. “The internships I’m looking at already want five years of experience. And I’ve missed out on two potential summer internships, plus the past six semesters. So, if I’m doing the math right, I have like negative eight years of experience. It’s going to take me forever to catch up.”

Ever the curious student, however, Engforwerk found the lecture quite interesting, eagerly writing notes down throughout class. “It’s quite demoralizing though,” Engforwerk told The Fed. “I already have to bear seeing these frat guys who are never in class announce their prestigious internship on LinkedIn. I don’t need my professors to also rub it in my face. Plus, this guy got his PhD right after college… what the hell does he know about finding a real job?”

Richie Bigbux (CC ‘29), says he enrolled in the course to not only increase his chances of getting recruit-

ed for IB, but to also reconnect with his family roots.

“My maternal grandfather worked for Goldman before he dropped dead from a heart attack in the office,” Bigbux recalled. “My father works for JP Morgan, but I haven’t seen him in almost six and a half months.”

Bigbux clarified that his father is not dead nor missing, but has been permanently residing in JP Morgan’s new office building at 270 Park Avenue. On late nights and weekends, Bigbux’s 60-year-old dad chooses to lavish in the building’s new amenities by flirting with young women at Morgan’s Irish Pub, instead of going home to his family. Bigbux told The Fed that his father does occasionally post an AI-generated LinkedIn update about self-marketing or having empathy towards corporations to let his wife and kids know he is okay.

“I’m taking Intermediate Macro

because it’s what my father would want,” Bigbux continued, tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. “Maybe if I get the summer analyst position in the Private Wealth Management division, I can finally have the opportunity to connect with him, though he is notorious for refusing to coffee chat with new hires,” he concluded sadly.

Timberleigh Beak (BC ‘28), who lost her father to cancer earlier this month, states that rather than taking a semester off to grieve, she has enrolled in Intermediate Macroeconomics, Corporate Finance, Accounting and Finance, and Money and Banking for the Fall.

“I had to think more practically and put my family on the backburner,” Beak explained. “In a fast-paced career like investment banking, I need to prioritize what really matters: increasing shareholder value and getting an offer next summer.”

Columbia Dining Surf and Turf to Combat Rising ‘Food Insecurity’

By Federalist Staff

Surf and Turf and “food insecurity’” are typically not mentioned in the same breath, and for good reason, but @ClawKent69 will change that forever. Food insecurity has been on the rise, and while you may have assumed Columbia has paid no notice to this, an unlikely lobster claims to have taken the issue into his own pinchers.

In his recent viral TikTok post, which received over 13 million views, this leftover-turned-influencer revealed that he is the sole survivor of Columbia Surf and Turf ’25. As it turns out, amidst the rummage of crustacean carnage, one fearless shell-fish had clawed its way to fame and has been a trailblazer in “food insecurity” activism since.

When asked about how his work is effectively serving the hungry in America, he responded: “Look, I’m not sure about this whole ‘people-in-need’ thing everyone keeps talking about, all I know is that guys like Matt are fi-

sebastian in the little mermaid

nally doing better, and if that’s because of me, then I must be doing something right.” This comment has stirred up much controversy within his fandom as many had believed that Kent was operating under the same definition of food insecurity as the rest of the world. Matt, a meatball from Hewitt dining hall has shared: “I was never able to love my vaguely spherical body, but Claw Kent’s page has completely turned it around for me, all of my friends have become more secure in their bodies as well.”

Kent’s most recent Instagram story featured himself photoshopped into the Artemis II mission capsule with a speech bubble reading: “One small step for crustaceans is one massive leap for all processed meat.” Whether or not this crustacean’s insensitivity to world issues will hinder future career success is uncertain, but hey, at least misshapen meat body image has never been better.

700 Baguettes Found on Low Steps

By Livy Molko yummy

“Good God, it’s a miracle!” one woman screamed as she saw the hundreds upon hundreds of baguettes piled up on Low Steps. “Where is Alma??” shrieked an alarmed freshman before realizing she was buried beneath a behemoth of bread. Various Science Po dual-degree students gathered to lament their beloved and dearly missed homeland, reminded of their past by the scent of fresh baguette. “Yeah Laura, there’s like a thousand baguettes,” said President Claire Shipman, stumbling up the steps. Shipman continued, “No, this isn’t one of my classic Claire pranks, I swear to god, put on your teal jacket and bring your bodyguard over here…I don’t know if they’re fucking authentic, Laura, why does that matter?”

On Tuesday night, Shipman released a statement after students rushed to Low steps to pick up a free baguette, one from the pile of hundreds. “We were shocked to find almost one thousand freshly baked baguettes placed on Low Steps this week. We do not not take pranks like this lightly,” professed

Shipman, wiping the crumbs off her top.

Her email ended with a commitment to the safety of students, “The university is actively looking into the perpetrator. We are dedicated to the well-being of our student body, which is why we will have already invested hundreds of thousands of dollars, and increased public safety around campus.”

Increased security measures are reportedly likely to include bag searches to ensure that nobody is attempting to sneak in another thousand baguettes inside their Jansport.

Deployment to Iran Now Fulfills Global Core Requirement

By Shawn Kathuria

a real interdisciplinary education

In a move to support both the war effort and undergraduate academic progress, Columbia University announced Thursday that military deployment to Iran will now satisfy the Global Core requirement, earning students four credits toward graduation.

“We’ve heard students’ concerns about the Core being too Eurocentric,” a University spokesperson told The Fed “What better way to engage with a non-Western civilization than on the ground in the Persian Gulf?”

Under the new policy, students deployed to the Strait of Hormuz will be exempt from the usual reflection essay, though they are still expected to maintain a journal, either on paper or Truth Social, “when operationally feasible.”

Students who survive the full deployment will receive a P/F option. Once the course has begun, the Registrar noted, “withdrawal is not an option.”

The announcement comes alongside a revised course

listing on Vergil, where the deployment appears under the title “HIST 1493: Civilizations of the Persian Gulf: An Immersive Approach.” The class will not have a discussion section, as students are of course not permitted to ask questions or discuss the orders they are given beyond resounding approval. Office hours will be held via satellite phone, Tuesdays 14:00-15:00, “conditions permitting.”

Faculty have expressed mixed reactions. One professor in the Middle Eastern studies department, on the condition of anonymity, noted that, “This is frankly more rigorous than most Global Core sections.” Another raised concerns about grade inflation, citing the military’s historically generous evaluation standards.

General Studies students will receive priority enrollment.

United States Central Command appears to have misplaced our request for comment.

In Wake of Discovered Connection to Epstein, Barnard Announces the Diana Center Will No Longer Serve Cheese Pizza

By Sydney Kelble

mental health matters

In a message sent to the Barnard Community it was announced that the Diana Center would no longer be offering their customizable Cheese Pizzas. In a rare move, Barnard was incredibly candid about the reasons for this decision. The message, sent at 12:00 PM last Thursday explained:

“Following recent discoveries of the connections between Francine LeFrak and Epstein, we have made the decision to remove any possible Epstein-related items from the community. This includes the camer-

as in the first floor Barnard Hall bathrooms, as well as the Cheese Pizza in the Diana Center. We recognize the harmful images that something like Cheese Pizza can conjure up, and we are making moves to rectify this glaring issue effective immediately.”

When asked to comment about the before-unknown cameras in Barnard Hall, Admin said “Something something, school safety… Something something, preventing free speech.”

Future Lists The Fed Needs

By Zoe Silverman

@cuspectrum wya?

My favorite Fed articles to write are lists. Now that I am graduating, here are lists I didn’t have the chance to make, but some unsuspecting freshman next year might feel inclined to benefit from.

1. Girls characters ranked in order from most like your freshman roommate to least

2. Sex positions quiet enough that your roommate won’t awaken from their slumber

3. Clubs you joined once and never returned to, ranked by how often they still email you

4. Dining hall lines ranked by how existential they make you feel

5. Ways students carry tote bags ranked by performative efficiency

6. Male subtypes at Columbia ranked by most likely to date your hot Philosophy professor to least

7. Email subject lines from professors ranked by how much they ruin your day

8. Ways to avoid eye contact in the crowd at Senior Night

9. Library seat reservation methods ranked by psychological warfare intensity

10. Valid reasons to procrastinate, email me this: zms2126@barnard.edu

11. Campus benches you could film a YouTube “overnight challenge” on

12. Absence excuses you can use when you have already missed over 5 classes and your Coachella dump is blowing up on your public Instagram

13. Student plays ranked by how much inappropriate laughter you had to stifle

14. Ways to turn the conversation back to yourself, mainly compliments

15. Federalist list ideas I will pitch to a crowd of adoring admirers during my last meetings

Chef Mike by Day, Chef Mic by Night

By Inica Kotasthane

chef mike’s side gigs

As the Executive Chef of Columbia Dining, Michael DeMartino, better known as Chef Mike, is known to many around campus as a crafter of good sandwiches and even better memories. Lesser known to the public is Chef Mike’s dabbling in various hobbies, all involving microphones. Since arriving at Columbia University, Chef Mike has rotated through activities such as stand-up comedy, beatboxing, slam poetry, karaoke, phone sex, hosting a radio show on WBAR, em-ceeing middle school talent shows, being a boom mic operator for student film productions, and making ASMR videos. When he takes on these various roles, Chef Mike transforms into Chef Mic.

While Chef Mike humbly maintains that

his sandwich profession will always come first, Chef Mic has gained cult status among nightlife in Morningside Heights and Harlem. Throughout the week, Chef Mic can frequently be caught participating in Amateur Night at The Apollo or running The Heights’ weekly Tuesday trivia. Even simply mentioning his name in passing will send a buzz through any crowd, everyone eager to witness his craft. Chef Mic’s most recent endeavor has been slam poetry. His poems, with their dramatic onomatopoeias and flowery language, chronicle his grandma’s story of making the first ever Grandma Sub. Chef Mic’s performances are known to bring even the harshest critics to tears, laughter, or rumbly tummies.

Columbia Camping Club To Hold Its First Meeting This Week

By Livy Molko

Are you a nature lover? Do you want an escape from the bustling life of the city? Are you interested in learning how to start a (controlled) fire? If yes, yes, and yes, then Columbia Camping Club is the perfect place for you! No experience necessary. If you are interested in joining CCC, our first meeting will be on Butler Lawn. All tents, kindling, flint and steel, marshmallows, and sleeping bags will be provided. See you there!

Reject the Evidence of Your Eyes and Ears: A Dodge Employee Gives a Tour

By Federalist Staff

The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.

— George Orwell, “1984”

So this is our tri-level fitness center! It’s not usually this crowded, so we’re just going to take a quick peek on the first floor. As vyou can see, we have plenty of high-quality, well-maintained weight machines. Let’s go ahead and go downstairs.

Smell? No, I don’t smell anything! Haha. This side is mostly squat racks and dumbbells. Students here really appreciate having such an expansive set-up. And these close quarters allow us all to really get to know each other. Do me a quick favor and limbo under this guy doing tricep extensions, then we’ll head on

open your wellhub emails

down to the bottom floor.

So, this bottom floor is really popular. We’re so lucky to have a space with zero air circulation, which really takes your aerobic training to the next level. Now it would be physically impossible to fit even one more person in this space, so let’s head on out to the Blue Gym.

This gym is home to a lot of intramurals, PE classes, and club sports, and it doesn’t usually look like a badminton factory exploded. If you want, you can play basketball down here! By stepping on the court you will be automatically entered into the 40 person pick-up game that occurs every open recreation period.

Awesome! Now follow me to the Uris Pool, which is always open and has never been pissed in! Yay!

NSOP 2026 aka The First Annual Hunger Games

Columbia University recently announced their plans for the incoming freshman classes’ NSOP programming, revealing that just like the incoming class it’ll be bigger and uglier than anything the institution has seen before. In the announcement, acting president Shipman stated that “one boy and one girl from each district, I MEAN—NSOP group will be chosen to compete in the first ever NSOP games.” When Fed reporters inquired what exactly these games would entail, Shipman said “Oh you know, just normal games. Cool fun normal games for a cool fun normal freshman class,” but behind her there appeared to be a cornucopia full of open seats in Butler and JJ’s express items.

We took to the streets to interview the NSOP leaders who have recently been retitled Gamemakers. Coriolanus Gaul CC ’26 shared

that he thinks the Columbia Community will be really excited to see what they’ve been working on and that this would even address some of the concerns the community has had recently about the size of the freshman class. “Oh, they’re gonna love it. Imagine like the Olympics but instead of a gold medal you get to enroll in LitHum.” When Fed reporters asked what happened to the freshmen who didn’t win, Gaul’s demeanor became ominous and he said “Lets just say they won’t be taking any classes anytime soon…. Snow always lands on top” …For sure man! Whatever that means!

Wanting of course to maintain the journalistic neutrality we’re known and loved for we wanted to get all sides of the issue. We interviewed incoming CC freshman Clove, we learned about her hopes for this year’s NSOP:

“yeah I got this email telling me to say goodbye to my friends and family before moving in and to make sure to pack tactical gear… I guess class registration really is that tough huh?” Oh Clove, you’re gonna die first.

We’ve also been informed that the University, never one to exclude Barnard, has added them to this new NSOP plan as part of their “Quarter Quell” initiative. Allegedly the Barnard students will have the same NSOP experience but their peers get to vote on who is entered into the NSOP games. We spoke to incoming Barnard freshman Lenore March about it and she claimed that she would “kill those bitches.” Good luck Lenore! And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Why the Strait Being Closed is Good for Bipartisanship

By The Sundial Editorail Board

the enemy of my enemy

The Strait of Hormuz, one of the most heavily-used passages for oil and energy traffic, has been closed since March of 2026 due to American interference in the Middle East. Tensions have heightened in the wake of the recent conflict in Iran, which has overseen the fall of the previous Ayatollah and the rise of a new government under Ali Khamenei’s second son, Mojtaba Khamenei.

Industrial and geopolitical experts have viewed this shutdown as an opportunity to consider expanding or emphasizing alternative passages, including through Saudi Arabia. But we at The Sundial view the closure of the strait as an opportunity to consider something far greater: bipartisanship at Columbia.

Broadway Arsonist

Students, administrators, and staff have struggled to find a middle ground ever since the conflict in Gaza began in October of 2023. A recent poll by The Columbia Spectator found that 40 percent of students feel uncomfortable discussing their political views both inside and outside of the classroom, and institutional support systems from club advisors to residential advisors have expressed dismay at an inability to get students to talk to and hear from students with views in opposition to their own.

What Columbia needs is some good ol’ fashioned bonding. And what better way to bond than identifying a common enemy, or a shared experience? Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, a progressive or a libertarian,

Struggles to Find Housing After Successfully

Burning Down Broadway

By James Coppersmith

“I never thought I’d get this far,” admitted the fabled “Broadway arsonist” this morning after finally succeeding in burning down Broadway Hall. The infamous arsonist is known for awaking every Broadway resident in the middle of the night with his failed attempts to ignite the building. Each endeavor ended with despair, triggered fire alarms, and rudely roused hundreds of angry students. However, during his eleventh go, he seems to have finally pulled it off. It took a few days for the community to sober up from the Broadway-smoke-infused high and grapple with what had gone down. After a spotlight in the Columbia Sundial and receiving a ban notice from multiple music festivals, the arsonist knew he had made the big leagues. Yet the path of glory he imagined his accomplishment would spark hasn’t come to fruition as he faces his greatest challenge yet: navigating the NYC real estate market.

“What the hell is a security deposit? What do they think I’m gonna do, burn down the apartment?”

we at The Sundial know one thing: your Edikted package is stuck in that Strait.

Maybe you missed out on your dream Bacchanal outfit, or maybe you’re still refreshing the status of grad dress every hour, hoping and praying that the President will fix this mess before Class Day arrives. Whatever your experience, we encourage you to turn to your neighbor, hallmate, or peer, and start a conversation about your #MisplacedStrait. Who knows, maybe you’ll find you have more in common with them than you thought.

This op-ed has been edited by Dani Winkler for clarity.

Columbia Hires Amish Workers to Barn-Raise New Dorms for Massive Freshmen Population

By Ava Lyon-Sereno and Sydney Finver rumspringa

Due to a lack of dormitory space for Columbia’s largest freshman class, Columbia facilities has hired an entire Amish community to build new student housing. Living up to their reputation for efficiency, these religious, rural-living fabrication fanatics have completed work at record pace.

However, construction was temporarily halted several days in when the Amish went on strike due to nourishment concerns: John Jay and Ferris reportedly did not supply freshly-churned butter for the workers’ lunch, a serious concern for many of the laborers. The issue was eventually resolved, though there has been some student discontent over lawn access, as the workers have been using the iconic Butler greens to stable their horses and pasture their dairy cows.

Reportedly, the Amish laborers also have a side hustle going, letting students go on carriage rides for extra

cash. One of The Fed’s sources tipped off a Sidechat ad reading: “Can’t afford a car in Manhattan? Dates aren’t impressed by public transportation? The answer is simple: Carriage rides for the low price of $39.99 an hour. Your girl will be begging for premarital hand-holding.” The big city seems to have sparked a primal entrepreneurial ambition within the Amish community, and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down: rumor has it the Amish have signed a contract with Columbia to teach agriculture classes at the climate school.

Guy in Butler With Eight Monitors is Also Scrolling Reels

By Andrew Barth he’s plugged in

At first glance, Billy Multitasker appears to be a machine, a man on a mission. He’s got an eight-monitor set-up in Butler and shushed the stupid beta cuckold asking around the library for a pen five times. He has a full stand-up desk he spent an hour assembling with diesel power tools in the third floor reading room. His toes are wiggling around on a purple yoga mat he unrolled on the floor, as he likes to “let those puppies breathe a little” since it “helps him focus.” When Multitasker needs to take a productive break, he enjoys “grooming the dogs a little” with a pair of rusty toenail clippers he keeps tucked behind his left

ear. He wears two pairs of blue light glasses, which he often licks clean, “to prevent headaches.”

The average mind would imagine his fingers flying on his keyboard like a Carnegie Hall pianist, yet there lies a dark secret behind his Zyn-packed lips and black coffee-stained yellow teeth: he is actually watching Instagram Reels, just like everyone else. Yep, that’s right. Multitasker’s eight-monitor setup is actually just an effort to optimize three tabs of Reels, one tab of Subway Surfers gameplay, one full-screen Spotify page (Straight Opium playlist, of course), split-screen Facebook shorts and TikToks, and an inactive Course-

works tabs full-screened, just for the fucking thrill of it.

When Multitasker was asked for comment on his work style by The Fed, he just glared at our reporter. When our reporter asked again, he just spat in their face with a curt “bitch.” Further investigation by The Fed found that Multitasker actually graduated Columbia a few years ago, but often returns to campus because he enjoys being aggressive to people in the library. Three Adderall later, it is thought that Billy had successfully consumed the entirety of the Internet while enjoying a week-old tuna salad sandwich.

Fedvestigation: Molly Tea Discovered to Contain Molly

By Winston Vuong

sorry we should’ve known

An investigation by The Federalist into the grand opening of Molly Tea, a Chinese boba tea franchise located at the intersection of Broadway and W 111th Street, recently revealed concerning levels of MDMA, known colloquially as “Molly,” within their drinks and products.

On Friday, April 17th, what began as a celebration of the newest boba location in Morningside Heights soon evolved into a concerningly joyous, enthusiastic crowd of customers. The neighborhood, unsurprisingly, is not unfamiliar with hour-long lines and overly dedicated customers, especially during a grand opening. After all, the grand opening of Heytea, a competing boba franchise located a block south of Molly Tea, experienced a similar reception.

However, over the weeks following Molly Tea’s opening, The Fed’s investigative unit seemed to notice something strange about the customer base: they always saw the exact same people buying drinks whenever they walked past. To explore this rigid customer loyalty, The Fed attempted to interview the recurring boba cus-

tomers to find out exactly what is so special about a simple Jasmine Milk Tea.

Crystal Beth (CC ’28) was the first and only customer to be able to express her passion for the new boba franchise in a comprehensible manner. As she lollygagged outside, pink boba cup in hand, she shouted, “OH MY GOD I LOVE MOLLY TEA. THIS SHIT FEELS LIKE A RAVE IN A CUP.” After doing five consecutive side aerials out of excitement, she then took a moment to catch her breath—drooling and panting—before continuing her interview. “I just feel like I can never get enough…” she exclaimed as her left pupil dilated to noticeably engulf her iris. Then, before The Fed could pose a follow-up question, Crystal hastily concluded her interview, “There’s just some sort of FEEEEELINGGGGGGGG,” impressively singing an ascending G major scale as she frolicked back up Broadway.

Having gathered the necessary information on the very much sober Columbia Sophomore, The Fed then contacted Molly Tea for comment re-

garding the somewhat jarring behavior of their loyal customer, to which they responded, “Bitch why do you think we’re named Molly Tea?”

Ultimately, The Fed’s investigative unit concluded that, given Molly Tea’s response, the inclusion of MDMA is unsurprisingly a fundamental part of their drinks—shocker. And to be honest, if they want to charge nine dollars for a drink, a good ass buzz better come with it.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

New Species of

Crustacean

Identified in Surf Turf Buffet

By Ava Lyon-Sereno

come here shrimpy shrimpy

Community members are celebrating Columbia Dining’s Surf N Turf buffet this year not only for the outstanding quality of their seafood, but for a groundbreaking scientific achievement. Alex, CC’28, was about to chow down on their plate stacked high with seafood boil and charred meat, when they noticed something curious.

“I’m a biology major, so I was already examining the lobster, trying to identify body parts. That study grind never stops!” said the sophomore. “But I saw a strange looking shrimp next to my potato. I’m talking weirdly big, way too many legs, all kinds of messed up.” They took a picture of the animal for their mentor, Professor C. Rabbe, who identified the specimen as a new species of crustacean.

“This is a truly generational discovery,” Rabbe exclaimed. “The ecological, environmental, and dare I say gastrological implications are undeniably colossal!” The species will reportedly be dubbed ‘Ferrisae Shrimpuse’ in honor of the sacred lands in which it was discovered.

UNICEF to Host ‘Shirt Drive’ for Men on Lawns

By Matthias Pridgeon

As the weather warms up, a tragic economic reality is revealed to those who care enough to open their eyes and see it. Smattered across the lawns of our very own campus, between the frolicking and sun-burning students, one can witness a disturbingly high number of men who live their lives without a basic human need: clothing. These men, whose bank accounts have been ravaged by the unfair prices of Nobu dinners and Equinox membership fees, can no longer even afford to put a shirt on their back, so great is the strain of the burden they carry.

Luckily, a hero has stepped up to the plate in order to help with this shirt shortage. UNICEF, partnering with Columbia Community Service, will be hosting a shirt-only donation drive this Sunday in front of Butler. More than likely, from there you’ll be able to see the victims of this crisis, whom your donations will benefit, tossing a football or frisbee in a futile attempt to distract themselves from their abject misery.

Please, if you can find it in your hearts, consider donating to those in need. Don’t stand by and watch these men be forced to expose their giant, toned, firm, practically sculpted bodies to the elements of our cruel world. This Sunday, thanks to UNICEF, you can make a difference, and all it takes is the shirt off your back.

Class of 2026 to Donate Large Statue of Claire Shipman Dabbing to Columbia

By Federalist Staff honorary zoomer

Claire Shipman will soon step down from her yearlong role as Acting President of Columbia University, as University of Wisconsin-Madison President Jennifer Mnookin assumes the role. With the impact she’s had on the lives of the class of 2026, many felt it wouldn’t be right to let Shipman leave this campus and these beautiful closed gates without a proper way to remember all she has done for the university. So, in order to immortalize a moment that will go down in history as Columbia’s best and bright-

est, the Class of 2026 chose to fundraise for a legacy gift to the school.

Picture this: At the top of the sundial, overlooking the lawns, maintaining order and harmony, Claire, her head carefully bowed, her arms positioned together, up and pointing in the same direction, covering her face. She’s dabbing. In a display of pure affection and devotion, the class of 2026 naturally chose to remember Claire through her signature catchphrase: “Dab on ‘em haters.” Now, forever, she will stand at the center of our campus, mon-

itoring the student body as she loved to do, just dabbing away all of those haters. The Fed commends the Class of 2026’s gift. What a sentimental way to remember the past, and a new way for Columbia to continue its tradition of poor judgment and even worse architectural design.

Note: This statue design was selected after the Class of 2026’s original proposal, Shipman hitting the 6-7 (with a speech bubble), was vetoed by the Board of Trustees.

New Feature on Vergil Allows Students to Filter for ‘Don’t Even Fucking Try’

By Sylvia Lipsyte

maybe an email will help?

Columbia and Barnard students who began Course Registration for the Fall 2026 semester were surprised to see a new filter, “Don’t Even Fucking Try,” added to the Vergil Course search. While this versatile interface has long had the ability to filter for a variety of specificities such as Barnard Modes of Thinking, course instructors, class types, and more, students are frequently disappointed by the lack of transparency around the waitlist and major credits process, which has resulted in a seemingly chronic inability to get into

any of their desired classes.

The Deputy of the University Registrar, Fuckout Myinbox, released a statement this morning regarding the brand new feature. “Students have been complaining about a lack of administrative transparency forever, well here you go!

Full transparency! You are not getting tickets to that show!” A rising Columbia senior told a reporter at The Fed, “When I filtered for ‘Don’t even fucking try’ I found every class required for my major. At this rate I don’t know if I can graduate.” Similarly, a Barnard

freshman complained, “I tried registering for a seminar I was super interested in but the only prerequisite was ‘The class you didn’t take or equivalent.’”

The Registrar has hinted at a whole new series of filters for future registration periods such as “definitely should, but won’t, fulfill the requirement you need,” and “Won’t be offered for another five years but you specifically cannot take it this semester.” The Fed and students alike eagerly await these new updates.

New RA Social Maps Reveal That You’re a Loser Who Has No Friends

By James Coppersmith

they’re keeping tabs

Leaked memos given to Columbia’s undergraduate Residential Advisors (RAs) have recently spread across campus, revealing that Columbia is asking RAs to make “social maps.” Social maps are diagrams that depict the social connections, hobbies/interests, romantic partner(s), etc. of an RA’s residents. While many have expressed concerns regarding surveillance and data collection, others face a graver danger: their empty social maps reveal that they’re friendless, hobbyless losers.

“I’m already on every watchlist imaginable, so the 1984-esque implications don’t really matter to me,” explained student Alo Nellie. “But people are supposed to think that I’m cool, and like, have friends!”

Data provided from the Common Application shows that 20 percent of current Columbia undergraduates have reviewed their college application essays, undoubtedly to remind themselves of old hobbies that their RAs can fill their maps with.

“How would playing the Wien Lounge piano not count!” testified student RT, pointing at their ‘Why Columbia?’ essay. Despite concerns, RAs have reported that upperclassmen ‘Connect Conversation’ attendance has increased infinitely, from an average of zero per semester to one. However, every attendee has spent the entire time expressing their lifelong, passionate friendship with Claire Shipman, David Greenwald, and/or Jeh Johnson!

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Barnard College Insists No Affiliates

Student Sells LitHum Books Back to Book Culture, Receives Used Tampon and $2 Credit

By Sasha Maroulis

Tim Splim (CC ’29) recently decided to sell some of his LitHum books back to Book Culture. “Obviously I wanted to keep the Iliad and the Odyssey,” Tim stated, “but I knew there were a bunch of books that I would never come back to.” Tim packed a box full with Virginia Woolf’s ‘To The Lighthouse’, Ibn Arabi’s ‘Translator of Desires’, and all the other books written by female and non-Western authors, and he headed down to 112th street.

“Once I had unpacked all the books, they started scanning them and I got excited thinking about how much store credit I’d get” Tim exclaimed. After the Book Culture employee finished scanning yet another copy of Claudia Rankine’s ‘Citizen’, they presented Tim with a freshly used tampon and a $2 in-store gift card.

“I was really frustrated when they handed me that sopping crotch swab, but at least I have more space in my room now” said Tim. “Plus, I got two bucks!”

We at The Federalist don’t know how to read, but we commend Tim for being economical and thoughtful.

Had Relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Claims Those Were More ‘Situationships’

By Oliver Green

hit me up

In a college-wide email today, Barnard officials announced that they had completed an independent legal review of the Epstein files, concluding that there is no evidence of a relationship between Jeffrey Epstein and any Barnard College affiliates. Students reacted to this email with confusion and doubt, as many had read emails firsthand suggesting communication between Epstein and multiple Barnard trustees.

Responding to the student body’s confusion, the administration quickly sent a follow-up email

to clear everything up. “We repeat, no Barnard affiliates had relationships with Jeffrey Epstein,” the email began. “However, many Barnard affiliates were in what I think the kids today might call a ‘situationship’ with Mr. Epstein.”

The email went on to explain the nature of these interactions in more detail, stating that most Barnard administrators were simply stuck in the talking stage and had been too worried about making things awkward and ruining the friendship to take that next step. A handful of administrators had

made it past this phase, but were focused on keeping it “casual” with Epstein: they hadn’t told their friends, but they were always down to hop on that crosstown bus for a “late-night booty call.” Although a few trustees had “tried to make things official” with the child sex trafficker, the email insisted that these attempts had been unsuccessful, and that their interactions with Epstein had been limited to the occasional secretive dinner or island vacation.

The email triumphantly concluded that, “while most Barnard

administrators had a deep yearning for Jeffrey Epstein and dreamed that one day he would make his feelings clear, there is no evidence that any Barnard affiliates managed to establish a formal relationship with Epstein.” The email also added that affiliates would prefer students not ask them about their past situationships with the convicted sex offender: “It’s kinda not nice, and it just takes them back to a really awkward time. You kids get it.”

Senior Suddenly Loves Columbia After Spending Four Years Threatening to Transfer

By Vanessa Wilson

home is where the heart is

After four years of vocal dissatisfaction, multiple near-transfers, and at least one dramatic declaration of “I cannot do this anymore,” Columbia senior Hipp O. Crite (CC ’26) has realized he “actually loves this place.”

“I don’t know,” Crite said, looking out over campus with the distant gaze of a man experiencing delayed appreciation. “It just hits different now.” Crite spent the majority of his undergraduate career:

• Complaining about the Core

• Complaining about the weather

• Complaining about Butler

• And occasionally Googling “how to transfer out of Columbia.”

“He’s been saying he hates it here since NSOP,” said Crite’s friend. “Yesterday he called it ‘transformative.’ I almost fell over.”

The shift reportedly began during Senior Week, when Crite attended an event he would have previously described as “forced fun” and instead found himself saying, “Wait… this is actually nice.”

“I think I was just too hard on it,” Crite reflected. “Like sure, it was stressful, overwhelming, and occasionally soul-crushing… but also kind of perfect.” Crite has since begun engaging in behaviors that experts identify as Senior Sentimentality, including walking slower across College Walk “to take it all in”, visiting buildings he avoided for years, and even saying “I’m going to miss this” about things he actively avoided. Perhaps most concerning, Crite has begun defending Columbia in conversations. “People don’t get it,” he said, shaking his head thoughtfully. “There’s something special here.” This is the same man who, in 2022, described Columbia as “a beautifully organised disaster.” He will graduate confused but emotionally attached.

I’m a Columbia Man, and I’ve

Waited All Year to Play Spikeball with My Nips Out

By Beau Gantz

#freethem

Showtime, mis amigos. The sun is shining. The lawns are rocking. And my Ralph Lauren Polo shirt has imprisoned my all-star udders for far too long. The time has come to set up the nets, pump up the balls, and rip off these shirts. Assemble, my fellow economics majors. Topless Spikeball starts now. Hell yeah, brotherman. The bod is as pristine as I remember it. It’s a damn shame it spent the winter months locked away. All these poor passersbys missed out on six months of rock hard

tatas bouncing around as I make this recreational sport my B-word. The shoulders are boulders. The abs stretch from pecs to pecker. And, my calves are coming to you in 4K—because the definition is insane. That’s just a fun joke, but seriously, my calves are ridiculous. Let’s get this game going! Me and Devin will be skins, and Brayden and Carter can be skins! No way, dude, that was rim! Haha. I love spending quality shirtless time with my best friends. What? You think you’re

supposed to be making fun of me? All because I’ve got my googoos and gagas out on Butler Lawns? Well, let me ask you this: which one of us do you think is happier? More free? I’m enjoying the company of my three closest, toplessest friends. You’re reading a satire paper. The weather’s nice, bro. And this game’s almost over. If you wanted to, you could ditch the shirt and join us. Whaddaya say, big dog? You got next?

HELP! I Got Stuck Under the Construction for the Commencement Bleachers

By Madeline Basch

not again :(

You’re probably wondering how I got into this pickle… well, it’s a long story. One night—gosh, it feels like years ago—I was stuck in line waiting to take graduation photos with Alma. I saw the sun tittering on the horizon line and realized that by the time I’d finally get the chance to shoot photos, it would be pitch black. So, I decided to pull a stake out like an impatient consumer camping out for a 75% discount on Black Friday. As I settled on the cold granite, tucking myself in with my Columbia blue graduation robe, I gazed at the stars, for what I didn’t know, for the last time.

Next thing ya’ know, I wake up caged like a wild animal in some aluminum jungle. At first, I thought: classic ‘ol me. But then, the panic set in. I did everything I could to get someone, ANYONE, to hear: I screamed for help, gnawed at my metal enclosure, struck my hand out through those cracks that you always accidentally slip

through. But still… nothing. All that was left was the reverberating echo of my desperate cries. I guess they couldn’t hear my screams through their 4 out of 5 anticipated noise impact.

Days passed. Weeks, even. Time was elusive under there. Meanwhile, I underwent the most complete metamorphosis. I was a scavenger like my ancestors before me: pecking at little breadcrumbs like a measly NYC pigeon for scraps, hovering under the cracks

of the bleachers during rainfall, mouth agape, just to get an ounce of water. I even filed at the bars with my mini travel-sized emery board. I had nearly lost all hope until you found me!

So, thank you, humble reader, for freeing me from that endless enclosure. I’m sure if I stayed in there a minute longer, I would have truly lost it. Hopefully, I can still make it in time for commencement: Go Columbia Class of ’97!!

Frat Gets a Dog, Declares ‘We’re Animal Rights Advocates Now’

By Valerie Yum, Ava Lyon-Sereno, and Sherry Guo a heartwarming

Recently, the brothers of Phi Nu have been struggling to sell tickets to their formal (Gossip Girl themed for the 27th time in a row) due to their questionable reputation on campus. As a last-ditch effort to improve their image, the chairs of Phi Nu—Nicky, Ricky, and Dicky—decided to adopt a golden retriever. After declaring the dog “a Bradley for SURE dude,” the brothers debuted the canine with a game of fetch on the Butler lawns.

Attention began slowly, a cooing “awww, that puppy’s nice” and a little “oh that dog’s cute!” But within Bradley’s first week on campus, he’d already charmed most of the population. By the end of the first month, crowds of attractive, eligible, young women would appear within minutes of a reported Bradley sighting. Nicky, Ricky, and Dicky considered this a huge success.

However, problems began to emerge. When a cute girl tried to feed Bradley a piece of her chocolate chip muffin, chaos erupted. “It was NOT cool man,” said Nicky. “We’re all about health and wellness here at Phi Nu, so obviously Bradley only

journey of love

eats A5 Wagyu cuts. We don’t let him have any of that awful chocolate stuff.”

In another instance when the boys were walking Bradley past Butler, a GS student almost ashed her cigarette on his tail. Needless to say, the boys were upset. “It totally opened our eyes to how little people know about animal welfare,” Dicky said. “People don’t think about how much work it takes to make sure your pet lives a healthy and happy life on campus. Like to be really engaged with your pet, we walk Bradley four times a day, and have a rotating chore chart for who’s doing enrichment activities that week.” These enrichment activities are rumored to include training Bradley to go up and sniff girls who wear Edikted.

In response to the incident, along with other animal care concerns, Phi Nu announced their Gossip Girl formal would now be a fundraiser for PETA, encouraging all students on campus to increase their awareness on animal welfare. However, in order to formalize the partnership, PETA forces all brothers of Phi Nu to go vegan and give up their carnivorian diet.

The Blue and White Celebrates Its 100th Reader Milestone

By Federalist Staff

lucky them! unlucky you...

Following the release of the latest issue of The Blue and White, the publication was happy to announce that it had reached a record number of readers: one hundred unlucky students cracked open a copy of the magazine!

In a survey conducted by The Fed, the one hundred readers rated the experience an average of 2.45/5. One reader, Al Waishigh CC ‘27, confused the issue for a shitty Dairy Queen ice cream cake and commented that it tasted like “paper and no post-grad prospects.”

After looking into the spike in readership, however, we discovered that it

Class Registration Transitions to New Platform, ‘Goblin’

By Sofia La Fata - Hornillos

In response to overwhelming satisfaction from the student body and overall peace and harmony on campus, Columbia has decided to move class registration from Vergil to a new platform called Goblin, controlled by an actual goblin named Timmy. President Shipman and President Rosenbury released a joint statement in which they stated that they were thrilled to be working with Timmy, who they expected would “do his own little thing over there.”

occurred on April 2nd, the same day that an article titled “Dear Fed, Are We Still Friends?” was posted on their Instagram. One student, notably a bad bitch, explained to The Fed, “Oh yeah, I did read the issue, but only to see what the thing about The Fed was. I love that paper! What a nothingburger article though.”

To The Blue and White, we say a hearty congratulations on this achievement! And you’re welcome!

Timmy has been given his own office in the basement of Pupin where all the nuclear radiation is. Allegedly, the new registration system operates based on how much each student pleases Timmy, as opposed to the traditional method of class seniority. In efforts to improve their registration standing, students have begun to come up to Timmy bearing gifts.

When asked how her registration experience went, Ava-Claire Hader CC’27 says that she “thinks it went okay” but that she had to fight her roommate to the death “gladiator-style” to entertain Timmy. She told The Fed that she’s hoping to get into “Is Muppets Propaganda? Lets Watch Every Film and Discuss” as a result of her actions. When asked how long this new method of registration would go on for, Shipman and Rosebury locked hands, got a vacant look in their eyes, and said “Forever…. Jk! Just for this semester.” At the time of publication, The Fed discovered that the Columbia student body would be on their own for spring registration, as the Dune press tour will be starting up then and Timmy will have to return to his day job.

A Ranking of Clery Crime Alerts Uris Library to Add Three-Person Tables

By Anand Shukla-Parekh

wonder if he’ll get through finals without a fourth?

After 9 months of school, life at Columbia University in the City of New York tends to fall into a predictable rhythm: FacHouse dinners, Butler lockins, skipping that one class every Thursday, and your inbox being invaded by Columbia email updates with the frequency of a desperate ex trying to get you back. But as the school year wraps up, it’s important to reflect on and be grateful for the small things.

So in the spirit of appreciating what makes Columbia so special, here’s the Fed’s ranking of the top 10 Clery Crime Alerts of the past year:

10. Fondling: There has got to be a better word for this.

9. Public Lewdness: Not fun for anyone. Also, it never warned us when those shirtless manwhores were out on Butler Lawns, so how effective is it really?

8. Bike Thefts: The sadness of a stolen bike is only compounded by the sting of the Clery Crime Alert’s insightful advice: “It is important to always lock your bike properly.”

7. Attempted Robbery: Embarrassing for everyone involved—the victim has to report their story to Columbia, and the robber-to-be walks away empty-handed (aside from holding that L). Nobody wins here :(

6. Broadway Arson #1: Uncouth in isolation—are we

cavemen banging together rocks over trash until sparks fly out? Yet this is only a taste of what is to come.

5. Phone Snatching: A terrible day for the chronically online. And yet you have to appreciate the descriptive precision of the alert: “An unidentified individual on a bicycle snatched the victims’ phones from their hands, typically approaching from behind.” It’s like watching a lion ambush a gazelle on National Geographic. Poetry in motion.

4. Package Theft: Look, it sucks for sure, but when the international student has ordered their 6th luxury bag of the month, there comes a point where you stop caring.

3. Broadway Arson #2: The one that proved #1 was no mistake. As our geometry teachers taught us; 1 point is an instance, 2 is a trend. #2 showed us that this was the work of an arsonistic artiste rather than a crass caveman.

2. Robbery: A classic. Ol’ Reliable. The one that’ll always be there for you. Strangely, this one showed up every time I paid my tuition.

1. Broadway Arson #3: Arson al-Gaib. The one to complete the prophecy. To go where no flame had gone before. A culmination of supreme artistry. Sublime.

ByAndrew Barth

Uris Library announced last Wednesday that they would be rolling out a new vision of the first floor talking library. The first floor is known throughout campus for its social laidback vibe where it’s easy to socialize and study alongside friends. However, the Board of Trustees has criticized the library for the lack of productivity occurring in the library due to the chatty environment. Thus, they have announced an initial investment of $10 million to create a committee to investigate the purchase of ten tables.

Tom Cochehead, director of the sub-committee for the co-director of the project, described his vision in one word: “Triangles.” He continued, “Dude, I was walking fucking Frasier the other day, high as BALLS, and he had this sickass pattern on his sweater, you know what it was, fucking triangles, they were like this vibey-ass funky fucking color. Fucking Pythagoras man, he KNEW fucking triangles.” The committee realized that by having triangular tables that seat three people, one person can always be left out of the bigger groups. Tom explains: “Yeah man, usually people are in even groups of people, it’s easier to structure a room that way. But genuinely, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, FUCK those people.”

The three person Uris triangle tables are an exciting step in productivity by leaving the guy who didn’t make it into

let’s make uris worse somehow!

the second group chat to his own devices. “We are going to make the tables just far apart enough they can hear the whole friend group laughing at a joke, but far enough away they have to ask the group to repeat the joke every time, but just as they do they get fucking IGNORED.”

Tom’s vision still seemed to be a work in progress though as he explained: “Maybe we can make a spot for the little chud losers who got left out, label it the LOSER corner and they can go stink up and cry in their little corner.” Whatever the future of Uris Hall first-floor may be, students across all walks of life are looking forward to ditching that one guy (fucking Travis), who keeps trying to join n’ bone the vibe.

Reasons Why I Wasn’t At My Friday 8:40

By Federalist Staff

• Grandma died again

• My roommate ate my homework

• What is this? High school?

• I was comfortable

• None of my friends have a Friday 8:40

gregor did not need a break more than me

• Daylight Savings was two months ago

• “Spring cold”

• Gregor Samsa situation

• Last night was a movie

Lives in John Jay

By Oliver Green and Inica Kotasthane

for the ladies,

john jay = quad

BREAKING: Columbia Students Form Human Chain on Low Steps Through the Power of Friendship

By Madeline Basch

Last Thursday night, an ordinary Ferris meal turned ugly when a student had his sensitive information exposed by a “friend” acting in bad faith. Lid L. Stoodant CC ‘29 was just finishing his third buffalo chicken wrap when his friend Ken Erie-Mishun casually asked him, “Hey, are you going back to John Jay after this?”

Stoodant’s fork (why he was using a fork while eating a buffalo chicken wrap is unclear to us at The Fed) clattered to the ground (or whatever sound a compostable fork makes on linoleum). Stoodant glared at Erie-Mishun in disbelief, his mouth agape.

“Bro, you can’t just say where I live like that!” Stoodant whispered harshly. “Are you trying to doxx me?” His eyes flitted around the room as every fellow student in Ferris became a potential enemy. “This is a serious breach of trust, Ken. You can’t go telling people that I, a freshman, actually live in the same place as over 50 percent of the freshmen! What if someone tries to find me?”

Stoodant quickly packed up his belongings and rushed back to John Jay, hoping he could avoid the prying eyes of his new stalkers. As he approached the John Jay front desk, he heard a voice ask, “Hey, do you live here?”

“No,” Stoodant cried,

shielding his face with his hand. “I don’t live here! Leave me alone, don’t follow me!” He quickly tapped his CUID and hurried to the elevators, missing the voice reply, “Damn, okay, I just wanted a sign-in.”

Upon entering his room (in John Jay), Stoodant closed his blinds, locked the door, and pushed his wardrobe in front as a barricade. He pulled the covers above his head, shaking in his bed (in John Jay). Every set of footsteps outside his door had his heart pounding wildly. Even in his sleep, the sound of a car outside his window had him punching and kicking the imaginary attacker trying to steal him from his bed (in John Jay).

The next morning, Stoodant woke up with deep circles under his eyes and a deeper sense of betrayal. It remains to be seen whether his friendship with Erie-Mishun can ever be mended, or if Stoodant will ever feel safe sleeping in his residence hall (John Jay) again.

next up! columbia admin vs. the power of love

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, MANHATTAN — In a shocking new demonstration, Columbia students have joined handin-hand on Low Library steps in an act of friendship. The Fed confirmed the display began at approximately 8:32 AM: two students crossing the same path locked eyes, gazing into each other with “the force of 1000 sunsets,” and letting a low (wink wink) laugh, finally embraced each other.

Within minutes, the phenomenon only grew. Swarms of enlightened students flooded to Low steps, feeling “compelled by the eternal spirit of friendship,” interlocking hands and arms, and staring off into the distance with “a sense of pride and dignity.” Soon, the chain wrapped around the entire campus— stretching from NoCo to John Jay—finally uniting east and west Butler lawns in an effort to “disband rivalry, ‘cause we’re all in this together.”

University officials have yet to respond, though our sources confirm they are moni-

toring the situation closely, particularly the demonstrators’ alarming depiction of “genuine connection.” Our sources at The Fed observed security guards to be taking metrics of “every smile shared” and “any eye contact more than three seconds.” However, an anonymous tip confirmed administration is prepared to interfere only if “the essence of the friendship spreads to JJ’s.”

Our Fed Experts, officially coined Fedxperts, remain conflicted on the movement’s mission. Some argue the movement to be “changing the rhetoric” by “just, like, being there for each other, ya know?” Although some push back by saying the movement lacks any demand, one human chain-er claimed “The demands were the friends we made along the way.”

At press time, the chain still remains intact, with a majority of students refusing to let go unless “someone’s hand is too clammy” or “an arm falls asleep.”

Secret Society So Secret Its Own Members Haven’t Even Heard of It

By Julia Ryan

so mysterious we don’t even know it’s tagline

The investigative and reportive teams at The Federalist have surfaced from a deep dive into the existence of secret societies at Columbia, digging down past St. A’s, underneath the Nacoms and Sachems, and have uncovered a society so clandestine we don’t even know its name, so esoteric that its meeting room isn’t listed on EMS nor present in any buildings, and so secret that its own members don’t even know it exists. We’ve chased down some of its members for an exclusive interview.*

Joe, President of ???: “Huh? I’m in charge? Of what?”

Sarah, 1st ???: “What’s it called? You

don’t know? It’s secret?”

Don, 2nd ???: “I took an edible recently and saw a group of people in robes floating in a circle around me. That was real?”

Ann, Initiate: “I mean, I could have applied; at this point, half of the world has received my resume. Hazing?…they have been skimping on my onions at Chef Don’s recently, was that the hazing?”

*Names of interviewees have been changed (we think) because we don’t know them.

Top 10 Feditor Articles

By Inica Kotasthane

Inica Kotasthane

1. Barnard College to be Absorbed by Columbia University

2. Hewitt Dining Hall Goes Barnard Only

3. Columbia Public Safety Cracks Down on Preschoolers in Neon Vests, Babies in Strollers, Dogs

4. WKCR Adds Livestream of Subway Surfers Onto Website to Maintain Listenership

5. Rosenbury Announces ‘Barnard Year of Silence’

6. ‘It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere’ Reads Sweatshirt of Girl Who Moved Here Three Months Ago

7. Star-Crossed Lovers? This Barnard Student Forgot to Pre-Register Her Lover 24 Hours in Advance

8. Columbia Announces New Gate Policy: Visitors Must Solve a Troll’s Three Riddles in Lieu of Showing CUIDs

9. New Study Shows that Exposure to Just Ten Minutes of the CUWBB Team Significantly Increases Homosexual Tendencies in Women

10. Fedvestigation: Lerner Revolving Door Brings Out the Worst in Humanity

Oliver Green

1. Awkward! Columbia Limit of Two Overnight Guests Forces Third Wise Man to Wait in EC Lobby

2. Barnard College Insists No Affiliates Had Relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Claims Those Were More ‘Situationships’

3. Public Safety Policy Update: You Can Register an Extra Same-Day Guest if You Do a

Top 10 Feditor Articles

By Oliver Green

inica is my favorite feditor

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Backflip

4. After Success of New Sunday Dinner, Fac Shack Will Also Begin Offering a Bedtime Story and Kiss Goodnight

5. FRESHMAN REGRET: I Made My Columbia ID Photo a “Silly One” and Now I Can’t Enter Campus Without Sticking My Tongue Out

6. Problem Solved! In Aftermath of Data Breach CUIT to Add Exclamation Point To All High-Security Passwords

7. Computer Science Department Holds Talent Show to Reassure Majors That They Still Possess Any Valuable Skills

8. Public Safety Removes CUID Restrictions for All Columbia Buildings You’d Never Want to Go to in the First Place

9. Finals Week to be Condensed into Finals Day to Allow Extra Time for Midterms

10. President Shafik Attends Carman Halloween Party, Immediately Resigns

Inica Kotasthane

1. Rosenbury Reveals She Told Protestors the Margarita She Was Sipping in Miami Was ‘Da Bomb,’ Apologizes for Confusion

2. Loophole in Raising Cane’s Giveaway Prompts Campus-wide Manhunt for Winners

3. Bzzt! Bzzt! Transmission From a Future Where the Entire Economy Relies on Grace Dodge Tokens

4. Beware! I Did Sorority Rush, and They Hazed Me Into Solving the Major Ethical Dilemmas of the Century

5. Columbia Public Safety Cracks Down on Preschoolers in Neon Vests, Babies in Strollers, Dogs

6. What’s in My Bag ft. Barnard Campus Security

7. WKCR adds livestream of Subway Surfers onto website to maintain listenership

8. Despite Taylor Swift Engagement, Some Barnard Students Remain Gaylor Holdouts

oliver is my favorite feditor

9. Columbia Public Safety Preemptively Confiscates Tent-Like Items

10. In the (Morningside) Heights: Lin-Manuel Miranda Announced as Bacchanal Supporting Artist

Oliver Green

1. FRESHMAN REGRET: I Made My Columbia ID Photo a “Silly One,” and Now I Can’t Enter Campus Without Sticking My Tongue Out”

2. I Love Everything About My New Roommate Except For The Fact That He’s a Chimpanzee Wearing Sunglasses

3. Inauguration Pushed to Friday after Chef Don and Chef Mike’s Opening Act Play, Of Meatballs and Men, Runs Long

4. Chef Don Tears Up as Someone Swipes In For First Time Since Spring 2024

5. Adulterous Father Sweats Bullets as Easter Egg Hunt Spreads to His Car

6. Awkward! Columbia Limit of Two Overnight Guests Forces Third Wise Man to Wait in EC Lobby

7. Dear Spotify: Please Remove “Uptown Munk” by Alvin and the Chipmunks From My Wrapped

8. Barnard College Insists No Affiliates Had Relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, Claims Those Were More ‘Situationships’

9. Capitalizing on the Silent Disco’s Popularity, Football Team Boasts that Their Games are Silent Too

10. BRAVE ENDORSEMENT: The Fed Comes Out as ProBoats

Rejected from Palantir for a Data Science Internship This Summer? No Worries! They Are Tracking You and Will Find You

By Elijah Segal

As the surge of indeed visits, coffee chats, and interviews comes to a close, the clear signs on campus are here: the cherry blossoms have sprung, and with them come the next wave of Columbia summer internships. However, for many Columbia CS students, the most desirable internships have become more and more competitive, leaving many with newfound plans to tell their distant family members they’re “figuring things out right now,” all summer.

However, for the hopeless and downtrodden, a savior has risen. Palantir’s newly created Bureau of Insights and Governance for Behavioral Reconnaissance, Observation, Tracking, Human Evaluation & Response (BIG BROTHER) is here and hiring. At BIG BROTHER, you don’t just work for Palantir; in fact, you don’t really work for them at all! Instead, you get a free summer vacation courtesy of Palan-

tir, at a place like no other: your childhood home! Instead of worrying about meeting quotas, deadlines, and sitting through pointless meetings, just let Palantir’s system have access to all your computers, cellphones, wifi routers, roombas, thermostats, and credit cards—and it’ll do the work for you!

Now I know you’re thinking: “This is just what I’m looking for, where do I sign up?” That’s the best part! No sign-up necessary, Palantir is already zeroing in on your location, and after months of collecting your data and tracking your every move, they don’t just think, they know you’re the perfect fit for them. Within days of beginning your summer, you will receive your very own personal DataMineTM! After a quick and seamless installation into your household networks, cameras, and security systems, Palantir will be able to give you the summer of your dreams.

During your time at BIG BROTHER, each day you will engage in riveting, challenging, and skill-building work-place situations that will give you invaluable experience going forward. Mornings could consist of scrolling through tiktok, engaging in high-frequency behavioral analysis across short form mediums; an argument with your parents from time to time cultivates that multi-generational conflict response; and don’t worry, you can end the day with some real hard work: repeatedly adding things to your cart while online shopping, staring with existential dread at the cart, and not actually purchasing anything, bringing you invaluable lessons on conversion failure analysis.

With your DataMineTM, all this dedicated and hard work will be used to further increase your productivity, creating a one-forone lifelike digital avatar to take

Sophia Mariano/Staff Artist

over your work responsibilities, home responsibilities, and to slowly push you out of your social groups. Don’t worry, the pressure will finally be gone, and you can finally relax and let go. All you need to do now is lie back, and worship your new Corporate Overlords; you’ve now been accounted for.

Students Horrified After Connecting Clery Crime Alert About Public Masturbation to Uris Pool Closure Announcement

By Sydney Kelble

acquatic scandals

Earlier this week, a pair of emails sent out to the entirety of the Columbia Student and Faculty body sent shock waves through the community. The first email featured an all too frequent and ignorable title: Uris Pool Closure, and specified that for the next 24 hours, Uris Pool would be closed due to ‘extra cleaning procedures.’ Normally, an email like this would go unnoticed. However, 30 minutes later, another email appeared across the Columbia Community’s inboxes. This one with a more jarring, eye-catching headline: Clery Crime Alert–Public Masturbation. Usually these two

emails would be regarded as separate incidents, but students began to connect the dots after reading a notice at the bottom of the second email that stated: “Note: Even when underwater, in a place like a pool, it is inappropriate and illegal to fondle one’s genitals. Though it may not be immediately visible to those above the water, this still constitutes Public Masturbation. Thus, it is a Class B misdemeanor in the State of New York and can result in a penalty of 90 days in jail, probation, or a $500 fine.” Rumors quickly began to swirl, and The Fed sent a crew of journalists to get their

finger on the pulse of this rapidly evolving situation.

One student, a Columbia Sophomore who wishes to go unnamed, explained: “I always ignore Uris Pool Closures, because who the fuck goes there anyways? But, I always read the Clery Crime Alerts due to the innate human desire to read about the unfortunate tragedies of others. Anyways, the note at the bottom made it pretty obvious that someone jacked off in the pool. And so obviously I had to make a Sidechat post telling everyone about my discovery.”

Another student, Mary E.

Prude, complained: “This is unacceptable! First, I see everyone’s buttocks and breasts at Bacchanal. Now I am hearing that a student masturbated in the Uris Pool! Where does such lewd behavior end?” She continued on about the devolving nature of society under the leftist regime of New York City, but The Fed reporters kind of tuned that out.

When asked to comment on the matter, Columbia’s Administration reaffirmed their commitment to promoting student health and safety, but declined to comment on the exact situation.

Shipman Vows to Only Expand Tuition

Size by 10 Percent Rather Than 20 Percent

By James Coppersmith

listening to student feedback!

Last December, early reports trickled in to The Federalist that President Shipman and the Board of Trustees intended to increase undergraduate tuition by 20%, aiming to cover the rising costs of caviar, bribes, and lawsuits. Backlash was immediate, and after student council members crashed Shipman’s wedding and wrangled influential alumni onto their side, Shipman seemingly relented.

This morning, the president formally announced:

“Dear Columbia Community, after extensively listening to your feedback, we have decided to ‘dial back’ the planned tuition

By Federalist Staff

size expansion, and ramp up our facilities in order to smoothen the transition. Starting fall of 2027, Vergil will offer Klarna buy now, pay later payment options to ensure that no student is ever left behind. We will also be converting Wien Hall into a casino and opening a voluntary organ selling facility to further protect students’ interests. Current going rates will be 1 kidney per semester, open to negotiation if fingers and toes are on the table. As we slowly increase tuition by 10% over the next few years, we’re excited to do it in a manner that brings together the Columbia community. See, we do listen!”

Local Senior Tries To Take ‘Ultimate Graduation Pic,’ Leaves With Concussion

By Sophia Mariano

pics or it didn’t happen

“I just needed the photo for the ’gram!” Anita Tension, CC ’26 said to The Fed from her room in Mount Sinai. “I couldn’t do one of those boring-ass photos on the sundial, and I would rather die than be seen with Alma! I heard she lets random men sit in her lap all the time. So, I did what anyone else with half a brain would do and I bribed one of those… uh ‘cleaning people,’ to let me onto the top terrace of Low Library. Just a few grand from my dad’s law firm, nothing huge. And let me tell you, it was PERFECT for a queen like myself. I got to look down on the whole campus taking their lame photos and setting up for lame commencement and make them all insignificant!

“But then, I realized that

I never told my girlfriend Lisa to come up and take my photo! She’s the best photographer like ever, you should totally hire her, she only charges like… $200 an hour? Can’t remember what I usually pay her. Anyway, I sat on the thin green guardrail to prepare for my selfie and let me tell ya, it was not a sturdy guardrail. At least, not sturdy enough for my perfect ass, because it caved right under me and I fell all the way down to the top of the steps where some SEAS nerd was taking her picture. Apparently she was also an ‘EMT’ and ‘did CPR on me,’ whatever that means, but I woke up in the hospital with bandages all over my face ruining my $250 makeup! I just wanted the ultimate grad pic, is that too much for a gal to ask?”

lehman > everything else

I, admittedly, once loved the feckless four floors

Unfortunately, they’ve become an object I quite abhor

There seems to be no way around it

I now hate the trove of profound wit

A week ago, I could easily say, “There’s no better place to write a story”

However, a boycott has become essentially mandatory

All my hours in the green chairs rendered hollow

I migrate to the din of Liz’s, a tough pill to swallow

This isn’t by choice, please understand

The library itself has forced my hand

Five score and two weeks ago

I checked out a book, full of gusto

A mere seven days have passed

Since I have been informed that that book shall be my last

Unless, of course, I’d cough up some cash

For those greedy hogs to replenish their stash

According to them, I never gave back

Those three hundred pages, which belong in their stack

I don’t believe them, and I won’t give in

They will not ever be having my Benjamin

Across:

1. What the two figures in the puzzle could be up to, or what Inica and Oliver will be doing at Fed Bash

10. English class’s rebrand

11. If the really groovy colored shirts with the rhyming name had any sense of continuity at all, the first word would be spelled like this

12. A chill way to refer to your pastor

13. The youngest woman ever elected to Congress and perhaps the coolest woman in the Bronx

14. How many offers you really need in the end

15. Pre-processing state of minerals

16. What those lame-os up in New Haven use to collect all their legacy admits

17. More stable versions of laptops

18. Relationship between us and Iran rn </3

19. With 66 Down, a repetitive toy that always comes back

21. Cd, where C = circumference, and d = diameter

22. Colors, ___ black and yellow

24. Exclusively

25. Intensifying acronym, not to be confused with that online video platform…

27. “You’re it!”

29. A Brit’s unit of measurement on the scale

30. Emphatic you, in Paris

32. A calm way to acknowledge someone while walking

34. The opposite of odd, if you were prone to eliding your v’s 35. The blocks that blow up in Minecraft

38. With 49 Across, the Puerto Rican artist who’s easy on the eyes

41. The now-shortened rapper just denied a visa to the UK

42. It’d be hard to give you one of these to solve without vowels (like it’s spelled here)

43. The prefix added to the Commander’s name to create the Handmaid’s name

45. You’re or your for a texter

46. A verbal filler

48. Actor of MASH and The West Wing fame

49. See 38 Across

51. “This is huge”

53. The type of person Luigi had it out for

55. Tattletale

57. A vaccine with two to three doses that reduces the risk of cancer

58. All earn six, some can earn seven, and the best ones earn eight, abbrv.

59. An article

61. To replace the word shit without the harshness of the sound, but all the effects of the coolness

63. Producer of slop, which could NEVER make a crossword like this 64. <3

66. ____, Wild & Free, by Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa (feat. Bruno Mars)

68. What the two figures in the puzzle are perhaps up to, or what Inica and Oliver will be doing at Fed Bash

Down:

1. What a magnet with positive polarity and a magnet with negative polarity might say in unison

2. Burn treatment

3. Where Laura always seems to be, and what we will finally get after May 15th

4. Heavenly

5. A homophone for where my roommates leave all their dishes

6. It’s natural for a real one of these to honk, but sound the alarm if Cameron Winter starts honking on stage

7. One can be cosmic or weed

8. If it’s “up yours” in a good way, but said by a pirate

9. Perhaps something to say, particularly a millennial, if all the people in a place are chillers

Crossword answers on socials & website

20. The original author, on Reddit

21. A place to work on your mobility

23. Do NOT collect $200, and you certainly can’t pass this place

24. Alright

26. What one unfortunate victim of a Clery Crime Alert was

28. One can be smacked

31. A future tense way to say “it’s apt”

33. Intimidate

36. All you bitches in Elementary Spanish I are in the process of this, abbrv.

37. The j word

39. A kind of texter, or what you hope your clothes will be after an HOUR in that machine

40. Any senior with no prospects postgrad…

44. PETA will get you for wearing this

47. IDC

50. At what point does the duration of one of these transition into a sleep? Four hours? Five?

52. Weighty numbers

54. A carpet, a hairstyle, or a hookup

56. Used to describe someone unfortunately hard to look at

59. Deca- meaning

60. It was never ratified, thanks in part to Phyllis Schlafly

61. ___ de Janeiro

62. Garten, of cookbook fame

64. “Hello”

65. Affiliated institution on 120th St, abbrv.

66. See 19 Across

67. An initialism preceding “Sleep tight,” perhaps