Volume XXXVII • Issue 3 • January 2019
the FEDERALIST Columbia’s Only Newspaper That’s Three-Ply
THE STAFF
A Dispatch from the Feditors
EDITORIAL BOARD Ani Wilcenski Ben Most Feditors-in-Chief Nick Ribolla Managing Editor W. Reed Simmons Head Submissions Editor ASSOCIATE BOARD Alex Horn Layout Editor Natalie Arenzon Graphics Editor Sam Millner Copy Editor
Harrison Gale Video Editor Michelle Dandeneau Archivist
Mimi Evans Publisher Jeremy Adkins Julia Schreder Annie Iezzi Luis Vera Julian Pecht Submissions Editors STAFF WRITERS/ARTISTS Joey Baer Julia Basnage Mimi Evans Garrison Grogan
Matthew Linsky Isobel Shaffer Jaysen Zhang
LAYOUT TEAM Alex Horn Augusta Owens Julia Schreder CONTRIBUTORS Elizabeth Bailey Will Barker Jesse Braun Julia Cobb Amelia Fay Payton Geller Chloe Gottlieb Gil Levitan Owen Long Jon Lozenge Jonathan McClement
Nikhil Mehta Matthew Nola Venice Ohleyer Augusta Owens Jordan Panzier Kevin Petersen Wesley Schmidt Malia Simon Kate Steiner Max Waldroop Maddy Warrell Rachel Zhang
Dear Stockholm syndrome victims, We at the Fed would like to welcome you back to another semester of late-night Butler study sessions and disappointing Ferris pasta. There’s a lot to love about the holiday season: warm showers, getting another pair of socks from your parents, and hanging out with all of those high school friends you don’t really connect with anymore but still talk to sometimes. But we’re glad to be back on campus, doing what we do best: writing humor articles guaranteed to make you chuckle, or at least exhale a little more air than usual from your nose. We’ve got some exciting new content for you to browse while going to the bathroom. Enjoy! Good luck getting back to the grind, Ani and Ben The Feditors-In-Chief TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: Capitalism and other unfortunate necessities.. PAGE 4: Nothing warmer than ghost dick. PAGE 5: Blind faith. PAGE 6: We gotta find ourselves a new coffee-boy. PAGE 7: The real issues. PAGE 8-9: ??? PAGE 10: Eric Carle is a genius before his time. PAGE 11: Stay woke, bitches. PAGE 12: Do you recycle iClickers or can I just throw mine away? PAGE 13: Outdated but somehow still relevant. PAGE 14: We’re already crazy. PAGE 15: Sports? Kinda?
Cover Artwork by Jesse Braun
LAUGHING AT THE PLEBS
“Money Can’t Buy You Happiness,” Says Person Who Will be Poor By JULIA SCHREDER
aire, I’ll establish some charity, I guess. And my charity will probably do more than Emerson will in his whole life,” said Burke in a statement to the Federalist. COLUMBIA CAREER CENTER–Today, Ryan EmEmerson admitted that he occasionally doubts his erson CC ’21 was overheard haranguing noble career goals. “I mean, yeah, occasionhis classmate Sasha Burke, who just ac- "WHEN YOU'RE MAKING $30,000 IN ONE SUMMER, IT TUN- ally I wonder if I should have gone to some cepted an offer at Morgan Stanley for Goldman networking events. Or at the very the Summer of 2019, about the pitfalls of RS OUT YOU NEVER REALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT MORALS least, maybe I should have applied for a job at corporate life and its corrupting influ- IN THE FIRST PLACE! WHEN I'M A MILLIONAIRE, I'LL ES- Google. That isn’t really selling out, is it?” he ence on a person’s morality. “You know,” mused to a Federalist reporter. TABLISH SOME CHARITY, I GUESS."" lectured Emerson, “Money can buy you “But then I remember just how many peomaterial goods, but it can’t buy you happle are counting on me, Ryan Emerson, to de-Sasha Burke, CC '21 piness.” liver them from their abject states of poverty Emerson, who has not yet begun his internship She wanted to help mitigate the AIDS crisis in Afri- and disenfranchisement,” he concluded. “Because I search because it’s “too early to look for the type of ca. And look at her now! All she talks about is coffee have integrity, because I have principles, I won’t be stuff I’m interested in,” also expressed his deep disap- chats and Linkedin!” selling out anytime soon,” said a triumphant Emerson. pointment that Burke had abandoned her sustainable “Well, when you’re making $30,000 in one sum- “I’ll be out there in the trenches, living in a dumpy development major to pursue economics and to rush mer, it turns out that you never really gave a shit apartment in Queens. That’s fine. In fact, I hope that AKPsi. about morals in the first place. When I’m a million- I lose money this summer.” Congressional Intern
“I really thought that she was going to do some good in the world,” mused a distressed Emerson. “When Sasha came to Columbia, she was so idealistic.
No-strike fallout: TA’s upset over returning to jobs they haven’t been doing anyways By KEVIN PETERSON
Thought he wasn't going to have a Lit Hum final
plain to them, once again, what an exhibit is. I wonder if the students have noticed that I stopped making lesson plans weeks ago?” Upon asking some of the students in his section, they all unanimously confirmed that they have, in fact, noticed. “The way he stares at the ceiling while we “free write” for half the class was a dead giveaway,” one freshman reported.
day, Jimmy told us that he would much rather spend his days parsing the difference between Ranulf HigGRADUATE STUDENT CENTER—The recent den’s use of “anacrusis” in lowland Scottish poetry to unexpected turn of events concerning GWC’s accepits use in Beowulf ’s 32nd chapter, “in the original Old tance of Columbia’s bargaining terms left many gradEnglish, of course,” and how it influenced early 2000’s uate students feeling frustrated. With the beginning comic book film. of the indefinite strike just a few days away, union “What a waste of time” he added in regards to his members voted 1035 to 720 to waive their strike powstudents’ P4 assignment, “no one's ever gonna read ers until Spring 2020. While some are they write anyways.” "I WONDER IF THE STUDENTS HAVE NOTICED THAT I what disappointed with the UAW for caving Joshua Mendez (name changed for his in to Columbia’s oligarchic pressure, far safety), a TA for a Calculus 1 class, told us STOPPED MAKING LESSON PLANS WEEKS AGO? more are upset that they been forced to in a separate interview that he has hundreds -CARL JOHNSON, return to the drudgery of grading paof homework assignments that he still hasn’t pers, teaching classes, and answering graded, dating all the way back to mid-OcCOMPARATIVE LITERATURE PH.D CANDIDATARE emails that they’ve been ignoring for the tober. AND UWRITING TEACHER entire semester. “I have been counting on this strike since Carl Johnson, a Comparative LiteraSeptember. The students are demanding ture Ph.D. candidate currently teaching a University Another UW teacher, Jimmy Buchanan, a Ph.D. their psets back, and the professor won’t leave me Writing section, told The Federalist about the mixed candidate for Medieval Literature also commented alone. I’m fucked.” feelings that he, and many other TA’s, share: for this article: When we reached out to the 60 person class for “You know, I was sort of excited for this strike to “The good old ‘the subway was running late’ ex- a comment concerning this TA’s performance, not a happen. As much fun as I have grading the same P3 cuse was getting pretty old. If my students weren’t single one of them could name him, nor the other research paper “solving” mass incarceration for the aware of how little I cared about teaching this class three. nth time, I was kind of looking forward to leaving that before, now they definitely will be, since I’ll have to “We have TA’s?” they quizzically asked. all behind and just reading some Woolf in Joe’s for a come up with a better excuse for coming in late every GWC is now bargaining for a contract that ensures change. Had the strike gone as planned, I would only single morning.” better working conditions and benefits for Columhave had to endure one more class where those dumb Instead of forcing his students to write pitch letters bia's graduate-student workers. undergrads just sit there and ignore me as I try to ex- to publishers that won’t even give them the time of
WORKIN’ HARD OR HARDLY WORKIN’?
LIKE OMG
Student From California is, Like, Literally So Cold
By AMELIA FAY
Canada Goose wearer CARMAN HALL—Although for many Columbia students the lowering temperature acts as is a welcome pleasant reminder of the approaching holiday season, Monica Brown CC ’22 doesn’t quite see it in the same at way. Hailing all the way from San Diego, California, Brown she reports that she is, like, literally so cold right now. “I’ve, like, never had to deal with something like this,” Brown told Federalist reporters as she shivered under Alma Ma-
ter, searching for a sparse bit of sunlight. “I knew that New York was cold, but I thought it would be, like, a balmy 65 cold. Obviously, it wasn’t going to be, like, Venice Beach, but I came here to get an education, not fucking hypothermia. didn’t sign up for fucking hypothermia.” Brown has been spotted around campus in a Canada Goose Patagonia down jacket layered over an additional Uniqlo down jacket and a Patagonia fleece. She additionally sports insulatedsports, insulated pants, a hat, scarf, gloves,
and carriesying a sack of those little hand-warmer packets. Altogether, Brown looks more like a marshmallow than a human.
"I CAME HERE TO GET AN EDUCATION, NOT FUCKING HYPOTHERMIA." - Monica Brown CC '22
After Federalist reporters commented on Brown’s unique out-
fit, she snippily explained that she “isn’t trying to lose a limb to frostbite.” Brown credits her roommate, Emily Marsh SEAS ’22, as one of her biggest supporters during this difficult time. Marsh, a native of Ketchikan, Alaska, feels right at at home in the dropping temperatures. “She has, like, totally guided me through this,” said Brown. “Whenever I’m getting down about the weather sitch, Emily lifts me back up with her positive energy and arctic weather advice. She’s, like, my guru-
slash-life coach.” “She fucking said that?” said Marsh. “Every time it drops below 55 degrees, she whines about how “like, freezing” it is. Why doesn’t she just buy one of her precious Triple Venti Soy No-Foam Lattes and suck it up? We already have one of those stupid SAD lamps in our room– isn’t that enough?” As of press time, Brown has joined an on-campus support group for students from warm climates and been seen shopping for space heaters and heated blankets on Amazon.
So you fucked the spirit haunting your dorm. Now what? By CHLOE GOTTLIEB Only fucks with Hartley ghosts We’ve all been there: you move into your dorm, and pretty quickly run into the smoking hot ethereal being that haunts your floor. The connection is instant; if he weren’t a translucent outline of a person, you might even say it was love at first sight. One night, maybe after you had one too many drinks and he was chugging from that jar with XXX scrawled across it, things got… otherworldly. Now comes the tricky part; living in the same building as someone you only know on an spiritual level. Like in all relationships, after you’ve had sex with a manifestation from the other side, communication is key. Try leaving
an Ouija board or magic papyri message that you want to talk about what happened, whenever he has a second. Remember that, just as you’re busy taking 18 credits, he has a shit ton of haunting to do. When you do sit down to talk, it’s important to note key incongruities between yourself and your loverboy. If he lived here as an asylum patient in 1825, or even if he’s an ancient being whose true age can never truly be calculated, there may be a language or culture barrier. Find a common ground where you both feel safe to express emotions and concerns. It may be helpful for you to look up speech from his era, such as “balderdash,” or “Yahweh.” Maybe learn an incantation or two, so that he knows how much effort you’re putting into
making sure that your relationship is both safe and spooky. I recommend “Omnium Rerum Principia Parva Sunt.” As an added bonus: bring this into the bedroom to spice it up if you continue your love affair! It’s also worth noting smaller anachronisms that may cause bigger issues down the line. When you mention Trojans, it may trigger the memory of a
joy together might vary as well. Take movie night, for example. If you suggest watching Ghostbusters without thinking, it’s understandable he’d be offended. “Would you want to watch a movie centered around the systematic murdering of your people, as well being filled with cliche tropes?” Avoid that mess altogether. Pull a Ghost and break into Barnard’s pottery
LIKE IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS, AFTER YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH A MANIFESTATION, COMMUNICATION IS KEY. traumatic war he lived through in ancient Greece, rather than the consent-based contraception talk you were trying to have. The activities that you en-
room instead. When you are faced with relationship problems, don’t be afraid to ask what’s really on your mind. You might wonder,
CASPER CAN GET SOME
“Are you forever tied to this place because the love of your (alive) life roomed here and now your soul can’t move on since you died before ever having closure with her? Am I just another notch on your timeless bedpost?” These things matter! Go into the conversation knowing exactly what you want. At the very least you need to coexist together for another eight months. You don’t want any poltergeists opening up during finals! But on a serious note, if you’re looking for something more official with your boo, be open and honest. If he’s from an antiquated enough time period, he may be ready for a committed relationship. Julia Roberts said it best; “I’m just a girl of flesh and bone, asking a ghost to cuff her.”
MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS, YOU FUCKING ALCOHOLICS
Op-Ed: I Don’t See Race, On Account of I Drank Too Much Peppermint Schnapps and My Vision Still Hasn’t Come Back By ALEX HORN
Foggy Glasses Identity politics in America have simply gone too far. Nowadays, it seems like wherever you go, the first thing you’re judged by is your race. It doesn’t matter whether you’re white, black, or otherwise — from the moment you walk outside, people are instantly making judgements about you based on nothing better than the color of your skin.Well, not me. I refuse to be part of such a backwards, twisted system, one that turns the very people trying to oppose racism into virulent racists themselves. I’m different. I don’t see race. Probably because I drank a fuckton of peppermint schnapps in E.C. last weekend, and my vision still
hasn’t fully recovered. I’m sick and tired of living in a society where the topic of race is on every television, behind every conversation, and in every mind. Is this really what Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted? I doubt it. Personally, I think if Martin Luther King Jr. were still alive today, he would do as I have done, and drink so much schnapps that he pukes into a girl’s lap, gets kicked out of the suite, and wakes up the next morning on 96th Street completely blind and unsure of how he got there. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black or white, Indian or Asian, Arab or Latino: regardless of whom I’m looking at, I see just the same thing. Because when I look at you, no matter your ethnic or racial back-
ground, all I can see is this weird sort of patchy darkness occasionally punctuated by flashes of darkness, and I’m sort of freaking out because my doctor says this might be permanent. If only more people could be like me — free of the strictures of racial thinking, open to viewing people merely as individuals, and completely visually incapacitated by one-and-a-half bottles of Rumple Minze Peppermint Schnapps imbibed over the course of one truly horrific, life-altering night — then we might just be able to achieve racial harmony. That being said, if my vision ever does return to me, and I am once again able to distinguish you people from the the rest of us, I intend to go back to being really, really racist.
Jewish Mom Goes Undercover as GS Student to Deliver Latkes By THE FEDITORIAL BOARD
Closet Macabees HAMILTON -- Marsha Greenbaum, mother of Isaac Greenbaum CC ‘21, has reportedly snuck into his History of the Modern Middle East class posing as a GS student to deliver him some hot latkes. “He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” said Marsha. “When I took a moment to listen to the professor man I was very troubled by his comments, I mean WHO can claim that Golan Heights is better than the Sinai? Nobody! Oy gevalt.” Reports say that Greenbaum entered the lecture hall and sat next to her son, whispering loud enough for all to hear, “Psst, Issy, it’s me, your mother.” Reports claim that after thoroughly embarrassing her son and waiting for him to consume no less than four latkes Marsha began to focus in on other students, urging them to take a latke and “put some meat on those bones.” “These nerdy SNEEZE (sic) children are all so skinny! They need more nutrition!” said Greenbaum, disappointed with the health of Columbia students, “How
can they grow up to be good doctors without a good something to nosh on?” Isaac Greenbaum was visibly shocked and terrified by the entrance of his mother to the class claim witnesses. “She truly entered the room without the slightest bit of tact blasting through the door and asking the professor if this was the ‘middle east class with the jews and arabs and everything’ before sitting over by Isaac” said classmate Jessica Spiel CC ‘20. “I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life,” said Isaac. “I thought I left this life behind in Chappaqua but apparently her iron grip on my life is truly unrelenting. Now she’s talking about sleeping in trundle bed in my dorm to make sure I get a proper breakfast for god’s sake!” Reports claim that Marsha followed her son out of the class and began to sell him on passing dark-haired girls, claiming that he was “very smaht” and “gives the best massages.” “I want to make sure the other kids think he’s cool, so that’s why I brought applesauce *and* sour cream. It always worked in middle school!” she told the Fed on
"HOW CAN THEY GROW UP TO BE GOOD DOCTORS WITHOUT A GOOD SOMETHING TO NOSH ON?” - Mrs. Marsha Greenbaum
her commute back to Westchester County. Mrs Greenbaum was last seen outside Prezbo’s office, hoping to talk to him about her Izzie’s performance in his free speech course. Hillel has claimed responsibility for the event, branding it under their new “Guilted Mamas” initiative. “We really just wanted Columbia to feel more like home for the Jewish students,” said Olivia Finkelstein, SEAS ‘19. “After all the anti-Semitic incidents on campus, we thought it’d be best for the main feeling of dread among Jewish students to at least be inspired by family members. Additionally, we here at Hillel all miss our mothers very much and as such we wanted to remind our fellow tribesmen about how important it is to remember where you came from.” As of press time, Mrs. Greenbaum was seen approaching one of Isaac’s younger professors to ask him “back to my place, for a nosh and a schmooze.”
"I WANT TO MAKE SURE THE OTHER KIDS THINK [MY SON] IS COOL, SO THAT’S WHY I BROUGHT APPLESAUCE *AND* SOUR CREAM” - Mrs. Marsha Greenbaum
GUILT NEVER TASTED SO GOOD
PALPATINE IS A NICE GUY I SWEAR
THE FEDERALIST CLUB FAIR PRESENTS:
Meet the CUCR BOARD
By SAM MILLNER
Cucked by CUCR
JESSICA SCHWARTZ RAJAN ROTIDHARMA Position: President Codename: The JAP Hometown: Greenwich, CT School: Barnard Favorite part about CUCR: Making protestors cry Go-to logical fallacy: “Well, my dad said….” (appeal to authority)
Position: Vice-President/ Confused International Student Codename: Gandhi (yes, CUCR actually thinks he is from India) Hometown: Lahore, Pakistan School: SEAS Favorite part about CUCR: Still can’t get over the sheer rush of not being shot at by the government for voicing dissenting ideas Also seen in: SJP, SSI, and The Federalist
EMPEROR PALPATINE Position: Advisor Codename: His Serene Darkness, Darth Sidious Hometown: Planet Yavin IV, Hoth System, a Galaxy Far, Far Away School: Teacher’s College Favorite part about CUCR: “I’ve spent centuries corrupting the hearts of men and toppling intergalactic federations, but these kids seriously creep me out. Kudos!” Fun fact: The Prince of the Sith Lords comes to CUCR after a stint with Senator Ted Cruz’s reelection campaign.
CHIP “WEBB” DELOITTE CHADDINGTON III Position: Treasurer Codename: The Hanging Chad Hometown: Durango, Colorado School: CC Favorite part about CUCR: Standing up for good conservative principles, except the ones that would potentially stop him from open-carrying at Arby’s Signature move: “I’m actually 1/32nd proud Navajo Indian.”
OBITUARY: The Federalist’s Live-In Newsy Dies At The Ripe Old Age of Twelve By AMELIA FAY His secret lover Barnabas Irving Gladstone, Federalist’s “live-in newsy,” died on December 8th. He was 12. His brother, Edgar Thornton Gladstone, confirmed the death, after finding Barnabas’s lifeless body slumped over his typewriter. “The tosser didn’t even have the decency to finish his article,” said Edgar. “A little cholera never killed anyone, except for Barnabas, apparently!” Over the course of his ten years with Federalist, Barnabas became an integral part of the team. “I don’t know what we’re going to do without Barnabas here,” said Federalist Staff
Writer Nicole Sandberg CC’20. “I guess now I have to make my own coffee and write my own articles, which is just not what I signed up for.” When asked about Barnabas’s unusual upbringing, fellow Staff Writer Andrew Huang said, “Did he miss out on a traditional education? Perhaps. But Barnabas was always an old soul; he was constantly telling me how he wished he grew up in the Victorian Era.” Now that Barnabas’s life has come to an end, Federalist is searching for his replacement.
REST IN PEACE, BARNABAS
STEVE BANNON Position: Special Projects Director Codename: Steve-O Hometown: Norfolk, Virginia School: GS Favorite part about CUCR: Columbia may be full of Antifa cucks, but it sure beats working for Donald Trump. Five-year plan: Use the critical momentum of the CUCR Facebook page to undermine liberalism in Western Europe
HOW’D WE GET SO POLITICAL
Ariana Grande Releases Policy Goals In Yemen By ALEX HORN
Big fan In a recent statement lauded for its bravery and power, pop icon Ariana Grande outlined a comprehensive plan for diplomatic success in the Middle East, starting with a complete overhaul of Yemeni-Grande relations. “The United Nations has made very clear the humanitarian crisis facing the Yemeni people,” explained the former star of hit Nickelodeon show Victorious and its spinoff Sam & Cat. “Due to the ongoing famine and civil war, over thirteen million people face imminent starvation, and even more lack basic necessities like preorders for my next album, “thank u, next”, based around my hit single of the same name, now available on Spotify. With the aid of the international community, I’m
Grande has called for a two-state solution in Israel modelled after her collaboration with Nicki Minaj; a push for female empowerment within Islamic communities based around her hit song “God Is a Woman”; and a plan to maintain the loyalty of strategic energy partners like Saudi Arabia by offering them “seats at the next Grammy’s, plus a photo-op”. While Grande’s commitment to peacekeeping and other humanitarian initiatives have been well-received, some pundits question the purity of her intentions. “I think it’s pretty clear to all the major players in the region that Ariana is making a serious push for political hegemony,” said Dick Johnson, a professor of political science at New
confident we can change that.” The new plan, which has been quickly nicknamed “The Grande Solution”, calls for an immediate ceasefire in the ongoing Yemeni Civil War. “President Hadi’s government has been locked in destructive conflict with the Houthi since 2015. That’s before I had even released “Dangerous Woman” — it’s been long enough,” argued Grande. “I know firsthand how hard breakups can be — especially with old ex’s like Al-Qaeda and the Islamic State coming back to haunt you, just like Big Sean — but Pete and I got through our own personal civil war. I see no compelling reason why Yemen cannot follow our example.” In addition to her plans for Yemen,
York University. “She may be talking diplomatically now — offering aid, democracy, and new songs inspired by a fusion of pop and R&B — but when the time comes, she’s going to make a push for military control to protect her strategic interests. President Roosevelt told us to speak softly and carry a big stick: well, nobody can sing softer than Grande, and that microphone is plenty big enough. We should all be very scared.” As of press time, the U.S. Congress had passed a resolution condemning Grande for her interference in the region, and President Trump had launched a preemptive thermonuclear strike on her mansion in Beverly Hills.
FED/COUNTERFED: Hooking Up! College Republican VS. ‘Barnard Betch’ By HARRISON GALE
Tried both
CUCR: Should you try to score with this hot Barnard chick? PRO’S
CON’S
The only intolerance you know she really can’t overlook is gluten.
The only macro she really cares about is biotic
Braiding her leg hair doubles as both a strong emotional bonding experience and just something fun to do with your hands.
You won’t be able to freely say the n-word in front of her (or at least in bed, which will be like, what, 4 minutes tops?)
If you can convince her that you’re sensitive enough to reciprocate oral sex, she’ll go down on you and then you can just fall asleep.
You’ll have the sound of scratched Ukrainian Gutter-Punk CDs stuck in your head for the next five days.
Once you go frequent anxiety attack you never go back.
You’ll have to pay for her Plan B because your “squad” on the Supreme Court allowed her employer to deny her contraceptive coverage.
Your dad contributes to the school endowment.
You have little to no “endowment”
BARNARD BETCH: Should you hook up with this College Republican? PRO’S
CON’S
He’s a solid 7.
Rate inflation.
He’s always on time for dates.
He schedules sex on his calendar for some reason.
You’ll hear a different political perspective than what you read on Vice
He’ll invite Milo Yiannopoulos to the post-coital pillow talk
For once this guy really seems to like your collection of Ukrainian Gutter-Punk CDs!
20 bucks says he won’t reciprocate oral sex (75% because he doesn’t want to, 25% he doesn’t know how)
It will finally give you something to complain about when your marginalized friends are discussing their actual struggles instead of just listening politely and pretending to care
You’re fucking a Nazi, you fucking Nazi
WHY NOT BOTH?
STAY
Graphic by Julia Basnage
THANKFUL
DEAD BODIES AND SHIT
Columbia Core Committee swaps out Ovid's "Metamorphoses" for "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" By WESLEY SCHMIDT Really into Dr. Seussf According to Susan B. Sallysburg, Director of the Center for the Core Curriculum, “Everyone knows that Metamorphoses is the weakest text in LitHum. I mean, who really wants to read about gods fucking around as swans? We thought we should instead include the superior book about transformations.” According to Professor Murphy, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar is an incredibly nuanced text. The titular caterpillar is a brilliant demonstration of the consumerism plaguing our society as it devours each subsequent food (or capitalistic product). It’s final transformation into a butterfly is a fascinating demonstration that our society can overcome that consumerism through hard, manual labor. It’s simply beautiful.” When asked about Metamorphoses Murphy asked, “What? That piece of Homer/Vergil/furry fanfiction?” Upon hearing about the report, the five SEAS students who decided to take LitHum became crying tears of joy. “Finally, we have a book that’s at our reading level!” one said.
Drawing by author/illustrator Eric Carle
Amazing! This Corpse Held Down a Seat in Butler for a Whole Week! By W. REED SIMMONS
Has a few skeletons in the closet... REFERENCE ROOM -- In a stunning feat unknown to the Columbia Community until this point, Robin Easton, CC ‘ 20, managed to retain his seat in the highly coveted reference room in Butler for a whole week. The only issue is that he had died only two days into his time at that spot at the table. The medicals staff at Columbia is still trying to conclude how he passed away but many assume that it was a combination of adderall, JJ’s Mozzerella Sticks, and not having slept since his first Midterm in early october that did him in. “Robin was such a grinder” said his roommate Tag Eisenhower CC’ 20. “For as long as I knew him he would put his body through absolute hell simply because he couldn’t be bothered to have a shred of organizational planning in his body. It’s too bad he’s dead but I’m glad he got to go out getting one of the most important records in Columbia’s history. I’ll def tell my kids about him, plus I have a dingle now, so it’s kinda a win-win for me. ” Easton was found by Ellen Seagal, BC ‘22, who
was the first in a week of people to realize that the smell that had begun to form near him was not merely due to a lack of a shower. “I thought I had seen him in that exact position and those same clothes a few days earlier but at first dismissed it until I smelled his hor-
"THISWHOLE 'SAVING A SEAT IN BUTLER' THING HAS GONE TOO DAMN FAR." - CELINE YANG, SEAS '19 rifying odor over the usual smell of black coffee and sadness that usually fills Ref. When I tried to move him after he proved unresponsive three fully unswallowed and slightly dissolved ritalin pills fell out of his mouth, so it’s safe to say this kid was a hard worker.” Easton’s death has pushed the Columbia administration to engage with the rampant issue of study drug use at Columbia. “We really aren’t gonna do anything
MORE LIKE THE VERY HORNY CATEPILLAR HAH
about this,” said a representative from the administration. “I mean, we could start organizing classes to make sure that workload doesn’t always spike at the same time of the year, which in turn forces even the most diligent students to cram a great deal of work into a tiny window, but that would require effort and we are busy searching student’s rooms for drugs like the ones found in and on Robin at the time of his death.” The administration’s lack of response on this issue remains unsurprising the the Columbia community at large. “I honestly don’t care about the whole health thing” said Celine Yang, SEAS ‘19. “This whole ‘saving a seat in Butler’ thing has gone too damn far. I’m sure one of his friend just left him there so he or she could come back after a full night’s sleep to one of the most coveted study spaces in the entire university. It’s just downright shameful behavior. I thought using a single notebook or a few sheets of paper was wrong, but your pal’s corpse is like a whole new level.”
RACIST HUMOR
TRUE ALLY:
This White Guy Doesn’t Say the N-Word when “Gold Digger” Plays at Parties By NICK RIBOLLA
Students Reading Canon of Only White Men Shocked to See White Supremacy on Campus By JULIA BASNAGE
Oppressor
COLLEGE WALK, 4:00 AM -- Students across Columbia University are reeling after footage of a CC sophomore celebrating white pride and harrassing black students went viral. Izzie Chapman, CC ‘19, spoke to the Federalist about her disappointment with this unapologetic display of racist behavior. “I was so excited to choose a college where I would be surrounded by open-minded students. I just don’t know where people get the idea that eurocentric, white nationalist rhetoric is okay,” said Chapman, who is currently writing a 10-page paper comparing Nietzsche's notion of will to power with Aristotle’s thoughts on natural slavery.on Nietzsche and Machiavelli. “We engage with ideas from all over the world; Italy, Germany, France, England, New England,” added Chapman. “How could anyone still think that way
after such an education?” texts upon which Western Civilization “Actually, I want to give that guy some is founded would claim that Europeans credit where it’s due,” said Cameron Da- invented science and progress.” vidson, CC ‘21. “I have a final coming The Black Student Organization reup for Contemposponded to the rary Civilizations "I HAVE A FINAL COMING event with a faand this guy hit UP FOR CONTEMPORARY miliar automated like, 8 out of 10 of first used CIVILIZATIONS AND THIS message the main points of after the 1968 the class in a way GUY HIT LIKE, 8 OUT OF protests at the that is easy to di- 10 OF THE MAIN POINTS University: “Once gest. I’m feeling a again, we are not lot better about the OF THE CLASS IN A WAY surprised." exam now.” Invest igat ion THAT IS EASY TO DIGEST. Columbia Adinto the UniverI’M FEELING A LOT BETTER sity’s website has ministrators also expressed their ABOUT THE EXAM NOW.” ledcaused many shock at the incito realize that the - Cameron Davidson '21 dent. “Through the sophomore’s fiCore Curriculum, we are creating pro- nal cheer, (“Fuck yeah white men, we’re gressive leaders who have wide-ranging white men, we did everything!”) is actutools to engage with the world around ally a direct quote from the epigraph of them” said Columbia’s undergraduate the Core Reader. Representatives from deans in a joint email. “It is abhorrent the Center for the Core Curriculum deto us that a student reading only the nied requests for comment.
AUGUSTINE WAS NORTH AFRICAN, DOES THAT COUNT?
Uses ‘neighbor’
WEST HARLEM -- Campbell Greenberg CC ’21, a statistics major from Santa Monica, CA, courageously refuses to say the n-word when Kanye West’s 2005 hit “Gold Digger” is played at campus parties. “I don’t care if it’s in the lyrics -- I’m not gonna do it,” Greenberg told the Fed in an interview this week. “My frat brothers can say what they like. I know I’m on the right side of history.” Campus activists have responded enthusiastically to Greenberg’s radical self-restraint. “It is so refreshing to see students working at the ground level to combat American racial issues,” said Jessica van Doren, administrative assistant at the Office of Diversity, Culture, and Inclusion. “Through the Core Curriculum, Columbia students do a lot of theoretical engagement with these topics, but it’s amazing to see someone getting down into the handson, nitty gritty work.” Greenberg hopes other white students will follow his example. “As a white man, it’s hard to reckon with the complicated legacy of racism in America. But each of us has to do our part, no matter how much that rhyme begs to be finished. If refraining from saying the n-word is what it takes to help mend the racial scars of American society, that is a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” He later added, “Now, if ‘Freaky Friday’ came on, that’d be a different story. That’s my jam.”
THE FED IS PRINTED ON 100% RECYCLED BULLSHIT
REPORT: Columbia EcoReps Outraged
after Water Bottle-Flinging Man Makes Shot into Paper Recycling Bin By MATTHEW NOLA AND NIKHIL MEHTA
Devoted Low betches COLLEGE WALK — In a surprising turn of events, the man who can be commonly seen launching water bottles with his feet along College Walk— colloquially known as the “Water Bottle Man” and self-titled as “Captain Bayonne”—made a one-in-amillion shot this past week, finally landing one of his unwieldy projectiles into a Columbia University recycling bin. Dozens of joyous students could be seen celebrating the glorious achievement with the enigmatic figure adorned in a spandex bodysuit and lucha libre mask, both of which the BDSM club has officially classified as “super fucking kinky.” However, one EcoReps member who noticed the gathering recognized one mortal sin: the water bottle landed in the can designated for recycling paper items. “As soon as I saw that he made it in, I just knew something was wrong,” says David Winthrop, one of literally hundreds of EcoReps henchmen who claim to be “meaningfully involved” in the organization. Recalling the moment he realized what had
happened, Winthrop commented, “Even though I know he won’t make it for another three years, it still pissed me off. It’s not that hard to use the right goddamn bin, you know?” In a remarkable show of solidarity, EcoReps members, who have a 100% profit margin on all used-fridges on campus, are threatening to raise prices at the EcoSale next year to offset the damage done by the Water Bottle Man. According to EcoReps officials, the contamination resulting from the bottle’s presence in the incorrect can could lead to the cutting down of “thousands more” trees and enough toxins being put in the air to kill 10 of Santa’s reindeer, but only the most innocent ones. When asked for his opinion on the matter, Steven Chavez, a co-president of EcoReps, commented, “That fucker has been on our list for a while now— anyone who uses BPA plastic bottles for entertainment like that is probably in the pocket of Scott Pruitt. Now we know for sure.”
Sting Operation Uncovers Massive FroSci iClicker Ring; 31 Freshmen Busted By LUIS VERA
Misses the days of Addy rings LOW MEMORIAL LIBRARY- On Tuesday, Public Safety representatives issued a statement confirming the detention of 31 freshmen alleged to have been involved in an enormous iClicker sharing operation. “I’m told the department has been struggling with iClicker sharing for years,” Chief Marcellus Johnson explained during Tuesday’s announcement. “This year, however, the issue became impossible to ignore. I’m told, at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room. Two of them were visibly napping. Something had to be done.” The operation, however, ran into early difficulties. “For a hot minute, we didn’t think we were gonna catch these guys,” Officer Jack Wallace told the Federalist. “Some of them are crafty, you feel? One suspect, we
watched for three lectures straight, but when we stopped him coming out of class, it turns out he wasn’t even a freshman. It was a homeless dude they’d planted as a decoy.”
est officer we have is 6’3” and 35, so that wasn’t gonna work out,” Wallace explained. “We ended up borrowing the Chief ’s secretary –she’s actually a tiny middle-aged Chinese lady, but we slapped some Gucci sweatpants on her,
“ONE SUSPECT WE WATCHED FOR THREE LECTURES STRAIGHT, BUT WHEN WE STOPPED HIM COMING OUT OF CLASS, IT TURNS OUT HE WASN'T EVEN A FRESHMAN. IT WAS A HOMELESS DUDE THEY'D PLANTED AS A DECOY." -PUBLIC SAFETY OFFICER JACK WALLACE Eventually, Public Safety offices succeeding in busting the budding cartel by planting an undercover operative to gain access to the ringleaders. “It was tough going—the young-
handed her a carton of cigs, and told her to pretend to be an international student. Worked like a charm.” Though Public Safety has declined to reveal the identities of those ar-
WHO CAN CATCH HIM IN THE ACT?
rested, witnesses confirm that officers detained one Harold Kramer, CC’ 22, who appears to have been high up in the organization. Anonymous sources inside Public Safety’s Low office reveal that, at the time of his arrest, Kramer had no less than 23 iClickers secreted in specially-sewn pockets on his person, while 8 more were found littered around the scene where officers had tackled him exiting Teacher’s College. “I genuinely don’t know how he was clicking them all in lecture,” Chief Johnson told reporters. “Guy must have been dancing the Macarena in the back when we weren’t looking.” At press time, Kramer’s attorney had reportedly filed a complaint against the University claiming entrapment. Attendance at the most recent Frontiers of Science lecture, inexplicably, declined to a historic low of 8 students.
SO HOW DID FINALS GO?
CONFIDENTIAL Seeking partner interested in tropical rum-based beverages and standing outside in bad weather. Those who participate in Eastern-inspired meditative exercise need not apply.
Your Home’s Shower and Other Reasons to Look Forward to Christmas By JULIAN PECHT What is he doing in there? With finals and seasonal depression quickly approaching, it can be hard to get motivated at this time of the year! That’s certainly the case for us over here at the Fed, where we have spent our past three meetings collectively playing Mario Kart and singing bad covers of “All I Want For Christmas is You.” But if you are looking for something to help you eek through the last couple weeks of the semester, we’ve got you covered. Here’s what you should look forward to when you get home: 1. Good Showers: Say goodbye to the weak drips and random cold sprays of your floor’s men’s room! Instead, just imagine the luxurious waterfall of that shower at home, the one you’re accustomed to, with warm water falling on your shower-shoes free feet. Ah, consistent-pressured bliss!
Report: Nerd Studying for Finals By JULIAN PECHT
Currently cramming
BUTLER--Minutes ago, news broke that Steve Hershel, CC ‘22, is studying for his finals like a total nerd. Despite the fact that his finals aren’t even tomorrow, Hershel was reportedly seen in Butler 301 flipping through his Organic Chemistry textbook trying to review alongside his study guide. He was also spotted with a few of his Lit Hum books in his backpack, a clear indication he is planning to study those too, like a
massive dork. Said his roommate Carl Lee, SEAS ‘22, “I didn’t know the guy I’ve been living with for the past several months was such a try-hard. I mean, I’m in SEAS and even I know he’s being totally extra. I guess that’s just the toll stress culture takes on some people.” Hershel was not available for an interview, responding only with “These problem sets aren’t gonna study themselves.” God, what a dweeb.
2. Privacy in the bathroom: I know you’re tired of having to hustle to get to the single-occupancy bathroom. I know there’s nothing worse than sitting on the toilet, wanting to get started but waiting out of politeness for your floormate brushing his teeth just a foot outside your stall. Soon, soon you can relish the solitude of peeing in peace. Soon! 3. Conspicuous lack of mold: Seriously, can’t CU Housing get rid of all this mold? We don’t know if it’s a ventilation problem, or if someone is intentionally cultivating a colony of shower cheese, but Jesus Christ, that doesn’t happen at home. 4. Cottonelle: Cottonelle, light of my life, fire of my loins! My sin, my soul. Cot-ton-elle: the tip of the hand taking a trip of three wipes down the checks to tap, at three, on the mess. Cot. Ton. Elle.
MORE FAMILIAR HAIR IN THE DRAIN?
Graphic by Gil Levitan
THANKS OBAMA
Office of Disability Services to Cease Coverage of Pre-Existing Conditions By JON LOZENGE
Does syphilis count? The Federalist has learned that Columbia's Office of Disability Services will cease to accommodate students who come to the university with pre-existing conditions come the beginning of 2019. The move, planned for months in President Bollinger's deepest hellchamber beneath Low Library, takes advantage of an obscure regulatory loophole widened considerably in a June Trump administration repeal-athon. The loophole, deep within the National Parks Service's pension code, enables ODS to end ramp and elevator access, note-taking assistance, extra
testing time, and other accommodations to students who enter the university with any and all physical or mental conditions. A spokesman for the Office of the President, speaking from atop a pyramid of shrieking human skulls, explained to The Federalist that accommodating these students is "no fun at all" and "costs a lot." "Imagine the possibilities for that money," blared the ancient, faceless being, his howling locutions piercing the air and leaving throbbing wounds in this reporter's amygdala. "It could pay for another Audi to bring the President's spare Boris Johnson
wig to campus with him so he doesn't have to drive home the next time he gets spaghetti sauce in his regular one." While the news may be concerning to many, students can take heart in knowing that ODS is still required to accommodate students suffering from any of the many ailments that can be contracted at Columbia, including but not limited to Butler butt, trench brain, JJ's colon, reading disorders, dyssexia, Dodgeworm, yeast campus, and even Prezbotulism (despite its $4.5 million in yearly costs).
Pretentious Freshman Uses #MeAsWell By WESLEY SCHMIDT Him as well! Reports this week show that one freshman, Philip Colton CC’22, is trying to change the face of the #MeToo movement by using #MeAsWell. When asked why he would change the hashtag of such a national movement, Colton said, “I’m an ally. I’m trying to create a better brand for this movement, one that better complies with established grammar rules. I mean, this is Columbia University we’re talking about here. You can’t expect me to use ‘too.’ It’s the poor man’s version of ‘as well.’” When we asked one of Colton’s classmates about his activism, they said, “Colton? That guy’s a dick. He flashed me his Rolex during LitHum yesterday just before saying, ‘Now to
play devil’s advocate…’” The Fed discovered that Colton is currently taking the Gender and Sexuality section of UWriting this semester and wrote his P3 essay on, “Why being an upper-class white man is harder than you think.” He is best known for his participation in LionFund and playing on the Squash team. Colton, who plans on majoring in PoliSci-Econ, says, “Look, if UWriting taught me anything, it’s that rhetoric is important. What kind of brand is the #MeToo movement setting with such a clunky, unpolished phrase as its motto.” Philip Colton was last seen drinking alone at a Fiji party after all the girls there refused to talk to him.
Graphic by Anonymous Artist
CLASSIC COLTON
LUCK’S A LADY, TIME’S A BITCH
New Bar E’s Has Everything You Want: Space, Pinball, and a Time Machine to Take You Back to When Donald Trump Was Not President By VENICE OHLEYER Pinball Enthusiast In the latest addition to the Columbia bar scene, E’s bar is bringing more than just additional space to the scene: at E’s, you can actively forget that what we have known as American democracy is crumbling like an ancient Roman pillar. E’s bar comes completely equipped with a bar, plenty of seating, games galore, and a time machine that allows you to travel back to when Donald Trump was not president. E’s is open from 11:30 AM to Midnight Sun-Wed, 11:30 AM to 2 AM Thurs-Saturday, and every day is November 7, 2016. E’s bar has immediately skyrocketed in popularity since it’s opening, giving “drinking to forget” an entirely new meaning. The Federalist went to E’s to get the latest scoop. “I really like how spacious it is,” said Amara Singh, a Columbia student waiting on E’s incredibly long line. “And the pinball machines!” piped in her friend Katie Lenner. “Pinball machines? The fuck?” said Maya Green. “I like
the part where I don’t have to turn on the TV and see an orange-haired fascist running my country.” “I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Singh, as she was waived through the time machine by the bouncer. She waved back and smiled with a sparkle in her eye that can only be achieved with complete ignorance. When asked what he thought about the political aspect of E’s approach, Chad Mattson said he “didn’t realize it was different from any other bar.” “I don’t really see what the big deal is,” said Mattson. “People walk into this bar and start crying, but I’m just looking for a brewsky. I feel exactly the same inside as I do anywhere else on this campus, but I’m not thinking too much about it honestly.” After one enters to E’s they are welcomed by the sound of “Can’t Stop This Feeling” by Justin Timberlake, drinks, and one particularly passionate conversation about Lin-Manuel Miranda. “Hamilton is going to change this country,” says one bar-goer, and everyone nods like they really believe it.
“We needed a special angle, for sure,” said bar-owner Lars Shiffman. “What would make students want to come here instead of the places they already know and are comfortable with? Then, it came to me.” “ Let’s take that thing that is causing everyone the most anxiety, and get rid of it,” said Shiffman. “My next immediate thought was the Donald Trump presidency.” E’s has had to do little to no promotion after opening, and Shiffman says their biggest problem has been having kick people out at closing. “I’m supposed to have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow, but I’m just going to come here instead. Who knows? Maybe I’ll never leave,” said Green, who was now comfortably settled at the bar. She then looked off to a corner of the bar and murmured, “Maybe I’ll stay here forever.” Shiffman disclosed he considered calling the bar “The Liberal Bubble,” then decided against it.
Tiger Woods Can Make a Comeback, So Why Can’t My Father?
By JOEY BAER
Papa was a rolling golf ball PALM BEACH -- Everyone knows the story of Tiger Woods: The child prodigy turned superstar who was taken down by marital infidelity and scandal. But Woods is back in his first successful tour since 2013, leaving this sports writer wondering: If Tiger Woods can make a comeback, why can’t my father? Let’s consider the facts: Tiger Woods was the greatest golfer in history before news broke he had had an extramarital affair with New York Nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel. My father was voted Toledo’s 3rd best-used car salesman before he slept with his secretary and ran off to live with her in Calagry. Tiger Woods’ performance as a golfer slipped after 2013 and in 2016 he took two years off to
undergo back surgery. My Dad’s performance as a parent slipped after 2013 and in 2016 he took two years off to be addicted to meth. Tiger has finally made his comeback, taking in 5,500,000 already this year, which is the same amount my father owes to the Internal Revenue Service. As we can see, parallels are eerie. If America can accept a disgraced pro golfer back into ther hearts, maybe mother can accept a meth-additcted, deadbeat, tax-evader back into her home. So, dad, if you’re reading this, come back home, please, we all miss you, except Lucas, that’s mom’s new husband.
HE’LL BE BACK ANY DAY NOW
Graphic by Gil Levitan