February 2026

THE TEAM Letter From the Feditors

EDITORIAL BOARD

Feditors-In-Chief

Oliver Green

Inica Kotasthane

Managing Editors

Aron Shklar

Zoe Silverman

Head Submissions Editors

Beau Gantz

Livy Molko

GENERAL BOARD

Publisher

Valerie Yum

Arts Editors

Isabella Palit

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Head Copy Editor

Clara Neilson-Papish

Head Layout Editor

Kamtoya Okeke

Social Media Editor

Reza Shayesteh

Online Editor

Kimberly Wing

Games Editor

Sophia Brown

Social Chair & Minister of Mischief

Sasha Maroulis

Senior Advisor

Dani Winkler

STAFF

Submissions Editors

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sasha Maroulis

Sophia Mariano

Clara Neilson-Papish

Julia Ryan

Zoe Silverman

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Anand Shukla-Parekh

Dani Winkler

Valerie Yum

Copy Editors

Sophia Brown

Divya Chaudhry

(Copy Editors cont.)

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Ariel Mura

Julia Ryan

Aron Shklar

Winston Vuong

Sophie Woodard

Layout Editors

Safa Al-Naser

Michelle Barsoum

Divya Chaudhry

Liz Lewis

Helen Liang

Zach Morais

Ariel Mura

Julia Ryan

Alix Sivolella

Joshua Thorne

Staff Writers

Andrew Barth

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

Kelly Cheng

James Coppersmith

Olivia Feeney

Beau Gantz

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Helen Liang

Sylvia Lipsyte

Elena Lukac

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Sasha Maroulis

Livy Molko

Clara Neilson-Papish

Anna Rosenbloom

Julia Ryan

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Anand Shukla-Parekh

Zoe Silverman

Isabella Palit

Matthias Pridgeon

Joshua Thorne

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Winston Vuong

Kimberly Wing

Dani Winkler

Madelyn Xaysanasy

Valerie Yum

Staff Artists

Sienna Granillo

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Madeline Rejab

Aron Shklar

Dear Loyal Reader,

We interrupt this regularly scheduled Letter From the Feditors to report on a leaked document that is of utmost importance. It appears to be an undelivered letter addressed to The Columbia Federalist, and we thought it would be best to include its contents below:

Dear Fed,

Roses are red, Violets are blue, We’re the worst and we suck We’re not funny like you

O Fed, Fed, wherefore art thou, Fed? My shining prince, day after day I gaze up at your tower (Lerner 569), yearning to be in your arms. Yet, tragically, my family keeps me locked in our Riverside Church offices, where I shall ne’er again grace your hilarious meetings on Sundays at 8:30pm. O how I wish to feel your sweet caress once more. You complete me. Come back my darling Fed!

Editors’ Note: From here on, the letter became so sexually explicit that we did not think it fit for publication.

With longing, Columbia Daily Spectator

We don’t publish this vulnerable confession of love to embarrass Spec, but we just think this is the best way to let them down easy. Spec: We’re flattered, but we’re sorry, we think it’s best if we just stay two separate publications with slight animosities for each other. Let’s stay friends, but like “occasional frisbee and poaching each other’s members” kind-of friends, not anything more. Besides, we’re waaaaay too busy right now reading the record-breaking number of article submissions we received for this issue. We hope you find someone right for you this Valentine’s Day, but, frankly, we’re out of your league.

Sincerely,

Inica & Oliver Feditors-in-Chief

Cover by Stella Turowsky-Ganci | Double Truck by Isabella Palit

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: chug chug chug chug!

PAGE 4: dance till u drop

PAGE 5: the stars have a message for u

PAGE 6: tw: west coast

PAGE 7: dairy queen

PAGE 8:

PAGE 9: justice at JJ’s

PAGE 10: #savetheatheletes

PAGE 11: purple country

PAGE 12/13: double truck

PAGE 14: date ideas <3

PAGE 15: books before looks

PAGE 16: fed x sundial

PAGE 17: forgot password :(

PAGE 18: girl’s night!!!

PAGE 19: yeehaw

PAGE 20: rip b&w

PAGE 21: yummy boots

PAGE 22: we’re just JJ’s... sorry

PAGE 23: more like litYUM

Sophia Mariano/Staff Artist

Alcohol 101

By Ivy Drinken

So you want to start drinking without looking like a total idiot, huh? Never fear, first years (or losers), this guide is for you! When that hot guy at the Amity Senior Night you snuck into asks if he can buy you a drink, here are some options:

• Your finest beer please: Beer is a classic alcoholic beverage, and some people even think it tastes good! The politeness of “please” is also sure to leave a good impression on your crush.

• Pink Whitney: If you want to cement your image as a nonchalant partier, there’s nothing better than a cold, tall glass of Pink Whitney. A cool and classy order, this one is sure to set the tone for a memorable evening.

• Whatever’s free: Practical and funny, asking for whatever’s free will either get you a complimentary drink, or a chuckle from the hottie you’re crushing on! A totally flawless option.

• Old Fashioned: Don’t be fooled by the name, this is actually incredibly chic and modern of you to order. Your paramour will be struck by your sophistication and youthful verve!

• Long Island Iced Tea: This one is for all you lightweights out there! Ever ordered an Arnold Palmer and thought, “What if this was just a little alcoholic?” Well this is the order for you, because they taste exactly the same!

• Gibson: This is one of the most mature and suave martinis you can get, with a delicious little snack included. Look and feel like a James Bond character, with the pool skills to match (You have played before, right? You haven’t? Finish that glass and go for it champ!)

Texts I Received This Valentine’s From My Long-Distance, Low-Commitment, ‘It’s-Just-Casual’ Situationship

By Madeline Basch

Sun, Feb 15 at 2:03am: 8 ball

u up?

Mobile Orders To Be Hand-Delivered by Chef

By Andrew Barth

Mike this Valentine’s Day

“Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day?” begins the email sent to all Columbia University main campus students this morning. “Feeling hungry?” it continues, building to the climactic release that the monthslong rumors are true: “Order through Columbia Dining mobile this Valentine’s day and Chef Mike will bring his footlong to your dorm.” Serving depressed geriatric post-docs to fresh-blooded, and albeit slightly nervous, first-years, everyone is guaranteed a great first-time (mobile ordering) after receiving Chef Mike’s footlong. “I’m just so nervous with anticipation!” admitted first-year Virginia Neugen. “I get butterflies just thinking about my first-time: will his sandwich have that roast-beef red or that pink ham? I don’t know, but it sure sounds satisfying.” Even Chef Mike veterans are excited for a more personal experience with his girthy roll. One student, Mortimer A. Della, suggested he always felt uncomfortable taking Chef Mike’s down the gullet in a crowded dining hall full of people. No more will he have to endure the shame of choking on his footlong in public. He hopes this Valentine’s day will bring a more personal spark from his Chef Mike’s, and he’s excited to explore his tasty length all alone in his dorm. “I’ve already made arrangements to kick the roommate out, because this level of personal and intimate experience is exactly what I need to start out the semester right.” From young to old, from single to couples, everyone wants the spice of Chef Mike’s footlong in the mix this romantic season. Students seem to agree that those classic stale-hard baguettes bring a certain character to the romance of Valentine’s day, a meal to be shared by happy couples and gorged on by stupid lonely chuds like you, fattie.

Inspiring! I Asked the Falun Gong Table What Time It Was and Now I’m a Shen Yun Principal Dancer

By Shawn Kathuria jazzercise

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, MANHATTAN

— I want to be clear, I don’t know how to dance. Or at least I didn’t before. I have no rhythm. I have no flexibility—only a yearning to spread the joyous history of 5,000 years of civilization and the teachings of the great scholars and artists who resided in China before Communism (learn more here: https://en.falundafa.org/).

Anyway, it was a Tuesday. My phone was dead, my watch unwound, and my glasses missing. I had no idea what time it was. So when I passed the Falun Gong table on 116th and Broadway, I stopped, thinking I could practice my Mandarin a bit, and so asked them the time: “2:15,” they said. By 2:45, I was in a van to New Jersey.

That was six months ago. I am now a Shen Yun principal dancer. They are teaching me what it means to truly be a good human being, and enabling me to connect with the rich historical tra-

ditions that have been lost to Communist rule.

Once, I was a lost Columbia student. Now, I’ve found my true purpose in life. I found meaning in relentless rehearsal, often for twelve hours a day. I have performed in 47 cities. I have not spoken to friends and family since that fateful day. I speak only to the divine, and the divine tells me that the backflip I perform in Act II is improving.

Sometimes the other dancers ask me why I joined. I simply tell them that I wanted to know what time it was. They nod with a wise, knowing look in their eyes. It seems most have similar stories.

If you see the table on 116th and Broadway, do not be afraid. Approach. Ask them anything. The time. Directions. They are kind. They are patient. They are waiting for you.

If I’m good—they tell me—I will be able to visit Columbia soon. I cannot wait for you all to

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

see the man I’ve become.

Barnard Girl Falls in Love with Columbia Man After He Uses the Word ‘Discourse’ in a Sentence

By Vanessa Wilson

In a stunning Valentine’s-adjacent tragedy unfolding in real time, Barnard sophomore Delu Sion (BC ’27) has reportedly fallen deeply, irrationally, and spiritually against her will in love with a Columbia man, after he described a dining hall argument as “an important discourse.”

“It was just the way he said it,” she admitted, staring into the distance like she’d just been drafted into war. “He didn’t even mean it. He was talking about the John Jay cookie shortage. But the confidence… the audacity… the male entitlement to language… it did something to me.”

Witnesses confirm the Columbia man in question, Reid Flag (CC ’27), was wearing a navy puffer, carrying a tote bag from a bookstore he’s never been inside, and giving off the aura of someone who has been called “well spoken” since birth. The encounter took place on College Walk, where Delu was innocently attempting to have a peaceful day before being emotionally ambushed by a man who majors in Political Science and speaks exclusively in seminar phrasing.

“He asked me what I’m reading right now,”

Delu recalled. “And I said, ‘Nothing, I’m trying to heal.’ And he nodded like that was normal.”

Friends say Delu initially resisted, “She texted our group chat, ‘I’m not doing this again,’” reported her friend, “But then he invited her to study in Butler and she folded immediately. Like… girl. That’s not a date. That’s a hostage situation.” Delu insists the romance is intellectual. “It’s not about him,” she clarified. “It’s about the idea of him. The fact he can quote Hobbes while wearing sneakers that cost $300. That’s art.”

According to sources, Reid exhibited classic Columbia Male Courtship Behaviour, which includes:

• Mentioning his class readings within 30 seconds of meeting someone

• Saying “I actually disagree with that” as a flirting mechanism

• Referring to his dorm as “my place” when it is, in fact, Carman Hall

Their first “date” consisted of Reid buying Delu a coffee and then talking about his internship search like it was a morally heroic journey. “He

said he’s interested in finance because it’s ‘where the systems are,’” she said. “And I was like… wow. That’s the smartest thing anyone has ever said. I need him” By the second hangout, Delu had already romanticised basic acts of male functioning. “He opened the door for me,” she said, breathless. “Like… he used his hand. To open a door. It was giving emotionally available.”

Her friends remain concerned. “The Barnard-to-Columbia-man pipeline is real,” said her friend. “It starts with ‘he’s kinda cute’ and ends with ‘I can fix him’ and then suddenly you’re sitting through his monologue about the Federalist Papers while he forgets your birthday.”

At the time, Chloe was reportedly doodling his name in a notebook with a heart next to it while claiming she “doesn’t even care.”When asked where she thinks the relationship is going, Delu paused. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “But he said my thoughts were ‘sometimes nuanced.’ And I think that means he loves me.”

Scoroscope: Your Predictions for This Month Based

on Your SAT Score

By Sydney Kelble

ACT anyone?

1500–1600 (Top 1–2%): Hey, nerd! Make sure no one ties your shoelaces together.

1400–1490 (Top 3–6%): You will get off of that waitlist. All you have to do is simply run to the Sundial when the clock strikes twelve on the first night of the waning gibbous and promise your future firstborn to Alma.

1300–1390 (Top 7–12%): I know you think people can’t hear you singing in your room, but they can, and they might throw eggs at you. Follow your dreams, but tread lightly.

1200–1290 (Top 13–20%): Make sure to keep checking your JJ’s dino nuggets for razor blades. You’re onto something.

1000–1190 (Average Range): I hope you have a good weekend!!

Below 1000 (Legacy Students): Condoms can’t be worn inside out. Also, think about Culinary School.

Shipman and Fiancée to Star in ‘Heated Rivalry’ Spinoff

By Matthias Pridgeon

100% on rotten tomatoes

In this economy, desperate job applicants are often forced to apply skills to areas they may not have initially expected. Skills in the humanities might be applied to work in a coffeeshop, skills in engineering applied to creating borderline criminal chemical weapons, and, apparently, skills as a University president and Peabody award winner to work as an actress in a spin-off to the horny, homerotic (but-also-really-romantic-with-serious-emotional-depth-I-swear) Tik-Tok sensation, “Heated Rivalry”.

According to The Fed’s deep-cover sources, Shipman, despite being positioned as a temporary president, was absolutely astonished that the Board of Trustees was able to find someone willing to actually come run Columbia. As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. And in desperate times, as Shipman is purportedly fond of saying, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. And what she has to do, in this case, is star in the HBO’s soccer-centric spinoff, “Her Hole, My Goal”!

Rumors have it that this sapphic, sporty romdram might not just be a financial endeavor for Shipman, but also an attempt to repair her repu-

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

tation with the students of Columbia University’s schools. This assumption may not prove unlikely—after all, how mad can students really be at their ex-president after seeing edits of her and fiancee to Tyler the Creator’s “Sticky” or Megan Thee Stallion’s “Cry Baby”?

Snow Removal Task Force Creates Campus Safety KILLdozer

By Andrew Barth

godzilla’s got competition

In the wake of massive snowfall in New York City, lame duck president Claire Shipman announced that the Task Force on Snow Removal has officially begun its investment in a new type of sidewalk and lawn clearing device “capable of immense, awesome power.” The new metal-plated John Deere/ Lockheed-Martin engineered snow removal bulldozer, officially called the Kinetic Immediate Liquidation Loadout bulldozer, will enter campus in June and begin snow-time operation around October of next year. The snow remover, colloquially called the “KILL-dozer,” is designed to quell all of the civil unrest created in response to ice on and around campus. The KILLdozer is designed with safety and efficiency in mind—instead of the fast moving brushes of current snow removal equipment, the KILLdozer

utilizes a streamlined design of sharp metal barbs that rotate hundreds of times per second, creating a cheerful metal whirring and grinding sound around campus. The KILLdozer is also attentive to the safety of the driver, with reinforced steel covering the frame of the dozer and a riot-level vacuum-sealed door capable of keeping out even the coldest conditions on campus. The dozer is further equipped with a V6 engine and state of the art suspension, allowing the vehicle to travel up and down sidewalks and even lawns at up to 40 miles per hour. Claire Shipman joked when announcing the dozer that “even the fastest snowmen can’t get away from this one.” One shortcoming of the design of the KILLdozer, however, is that due to the higher clearance of the sharpened steel blades, the dozer will not be able to

remove ice from campus. But, students can rest-assured that, from sidewalks, to snowfriends on the lawn, to the occasional pesky little Low steps sledder, the new campus safety KILLdozer is sure to do its job well.

Columbia Faces Backlash Over Seminar Debating Human Rights of Californians

By Kimberly Wing

are you from the bay?

Columbia’s School of International and Public Affairs has faced backlash for introducing a new seminar titled, “From Nick Cage to Kim Kardashian: Do Californians Deserve Human Rights?”

The course description described the class as “analyzing the concerning number of polarizing figures from California, including Ronald Reagan and Gracie Abrams, and their social, emotional, and political damage at the global level” to “discuss whether the UN should enforce treaties that address various harms on the human race committed specifically by Californians.”

Both Barnard and Columbia boast a significant portion of their

student populations from the Golden State, and alumni and parents who hail from or reside in California expressed outrage over the seminar.

In a statement sent to The Fed, seminar instructor Jerry Jersey explained that he believes teaching the course is invaluable as “there’s a lot of things wrong with the people from that state, from Los Angeles to Bakersfield to San Francisco.”

“A lot of people move there for either two industries: Hollywood and tech startups,” Jersey wrote, “there’s so many terrible things made by Californians that are plaguing society. You don’t think there’s a reason why Disney live action remakes and OpenAI come from the same state?”

In interviews with The Fed, several students agreed with Jersey’s disdain for Californians. “Sometimes it feels like everyone on this campus is a rich kid from Beverly Hills or Cupertino,” Georgia Griffin, CC ‘29, told The Fed. “They always say ‘like’ after every five words, or gush about Erewhon or their Stanford friend’s AI startup. It’s charming at first, but it gets annoying after the third person tries to pull the same schtick.”

“Every New York transplant from California is part of a hive mind,” One sophomore, who spoke to The Fed on the condition of anonymity, commented. “My whole friend group is from SoCal, and I can’t get through a meal without wanting to strangle

Board of Trustees Begins Search for Next President, Just in Case

By Quint Johnson presidential contingency

In an email sent out late Sunday night, the Board of Trustees announced its intention to establish a new Presidential Search Committee, following the announcement of Jennifer Mnookin’s appointment.

“We have full faith Mnookin will be a fantastic leader and face of the Columbia campus,” the email reads, “but, you know, just in case.” Columbia has not had a permanent president since Minouche Shafik, the University’s 20th president, resigned on August 14, 2024, following fierce scrutiny of her deployment of NYPD officers against Columbia students. While the Board initially seemed interested in seeing how long they could keep interim president Claire Shipman in office “for the bit,” the nine-month search finally concluded after a unanimous selection to elect Mnookin, followed by a unanimous vote to open a new search committee, just to be on the safe side.

“We want to reaffirm our commitment to creating a diverse and equitable space,” the email reads. “As such, we are dedicated to searching for another female president, just as a precaution, to continue to take the fall for our spineless decisions. It is, after all, much easier to blame it on a woman.”

When questioned on the Board’s decision, President-designate Mnookin ominously responded, “Just wait and see, just you wait. I’ll show them. I’ll show them all what Jennifer Mnookin is really cookin’.”

The search is set to start on Monday, February 16, and is estimated to take up to a year.

The Board confirmed they will not be announcing the future selectee, but wants the Columbia community to know that they “will definitely have one, just in case.”

This is a developing story; check back for updates.

the vocal fry out of them.”

As of early February, the seminar holds a waitlist of over 50 students for just a measly 20 spots. In an apparent response to SIPA’s controversial new seminar, the Human Rights department of the University of California, Berkeley, has announced the development of a course that explores the “worst” New Yorkers, including Donald Trump, Jeffrey Epstein, and J.Lo.

Letter from the Fed Arts Editors

By Isabella Palit and Stella Turowsky-Ganci

these words are worth 1000 pictures

Dear Columbia Trustees,

We are the Arts Editors for the Columbia Federalist. Every cover, every fold-out, we draw that stuff, and we draw it good. We are aware that you have been assigned to pick the perfect president for Columbia, but we beg of you to make up your mind once and for all. We cannot keep learning how to draw a new face every month or so. We literally just got Shipman down, and you hit us with this? You must have known how hard those luxurious curls are going to be to draw! We might have to buy a new brush on Procreate for god’s sake. At the very least, keep this new one in place for at least a year. If you must replace her could we suggest perhaps a doppelgänger, or maybe a clone? I’m sure a lab on campus could help with that. Another option could be a cardboard cut-out with just a stick figure drawn on it. Or a magic 8-ball to make all campus decisions? That’s super simple to draw!

Sincerely,

The Arts Editors

Great Gifts to Get Your Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day

Snowmen Escorted Off Campus for Not Having Guest Passes

By James Phillips frosty needs a QR

Tensions froze in a standoff on Sunday between campus security and snowmen on the South Fields in front of Butler Library. Around 1:00 PM Sunday, campus security was notified of six or seven “suspicious figures” standing menacingly on the South Fields. When campus security arrived at the scene, they began questioning the suspects behind the fence, asking them to show their student IDs. The snowmen seemed to be engaged in a silent protest, refusing to respond to the security personnel.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

• Tampons (a girl can never get enough of these!)

• Weight Watchers New Complete Cookbook

• Tickets to a game of your favorite sports team! (It’s important for couples to learn to support each other)

• Free mints they give out at JJ’s

• Free chopsticks they give out at Milstein sushi

• Free paper straws they give out at Liz’s

• Free salt and pepper they give out at Westside

• Dust pan (no broom)

• Broom (no dust pan)

• Your favorite ice cream flavor (conveniently already in your freezer)

• A gift card that your mom got you to Wawa’s (there aren’t any Wawa’s by campus, so you never really got a chance to use it. But maybe she will!)

• Heavy-duty, full coverage concealer

• Textbook from a course you took last semester (“Fundamentals of Computer Systems” makes great bedtime reading)

• Toothbrush, toothpaste, breath mints, floss, mouthwash, whitening strips, water pick

• Planet Fitness one month subscription

• Bridgerton deodorant

• Protein soda

• Appetite suppressant lollipops

• Appetite suppressant soda

• Protein lollipops

• Half pack of cigarettes (you’ve switched to vaping and have too many of these lying around)

• Pants, but the size is too small (tell her she can work to fit into them as a goal)

• Something from the Scholastic Book fair with money that your parents gave you

• Amazon gift card ($15)

A sharp breeze blew one of the suspect’s carrot noses onto the ground. Campus security then yelled, “Freeze!” fearing the nose was a secret protest banner about to be unveiled; the suspects complied immediately. A small crowd began to form among students who were too committed to their studies to take the snow day. Security received a chilly reception from the student crowd, who were confused about which side to take in the altercation. Half the crowd began to chant, “ICE OUT!” assuming the composition of the snowmen meant DHS employed them. The other half of the crowd began complaining that campus security was “harassing a minority group.”

After checking their scarves, mittens, and tophats, in a blatant strip search, campus security confirmed that none of the snowmen had a CUID or a guest pass. The snowpeople, one Barnard student corrected the crowd (and this reporter) to avoid assuming their gender, were escorted off campus. In one of the more horrific scenes, security took off heads, torsos, and legs, and began rolling them to the 116th Street exit. Investigations are underway to determine whether students allowed the intruders onto campus or whether additional security is needed to maintain the frigid rules governing campus entry.

Columbia Dining to Switch to Raw Milk

By Shawn Kathuria

Columbia Dining has announced that, effective immediately, it will aim to exclusively serve raw milk in place of all other liquid dairy products in an effort to comply with RFK Jr.’s new guidelines. While not everybody is convinced, the announcement has been met with enthusiasm, particularly among students across campus who do not know things.

“We’re just happy to realize the vision of the Trump Administration, no matter what that vision may be at any given time,” a spokesperson from the university told The Federalist.

According to a press release from this morning, John Jay and Ferris Booth Commons will begin the transition, and Faculty House and all other dining locations will meet the new standard by the end of the week. Plans are reportedly also being made to eliminate seed oils entirely in favor of beef tallow. When asked about their thoughts on the switch, one student who was keen on staying anonymous said, “I trust the federal government.”

The university noted that the current changes are unrelated to ongoing discussions with federal funding agencies, and any new NIH funding received in the coming weeks is purely coincidental.

US to Adopt Columbia University Approach to Presidency

By Federalist Staff

e pluribus unum

Late last week, House Representative Emily Beral of New Jersey submitted a bill that would turn the job of President of the United States into an at-will employment, effectively removing all short and long term length limits. In presenting the bill, Representative Beral cited a wish to “follow Columbia University leadership in discarding any president whenever, for whatever,” referencing the high presidential turnover rate throughout the past four years at the university.

“Frankly, this current political system isn’t working at all,” Representative Beral rationalized. “I think everyone’s tired of listening to the same guy for four years at a time. It’s such a high commitment just to end up with a president who does dick all for the average American.” She continued, “If we ran this place like Columbia, this current guy would’ve been long gone, never to be heard from again.” Appealing

to Republican representatives, Beral continued: “Or, like, if you want him to stay longer, that’s fine. It goes the opposite way. There was this guy named Bollinger who was Columbia president for 20 years or so.”

Many concerns were expressed within the chamber, particularly regarding what this bill means for the right to vote. Representative Beral dispelled any worries by proposing a new approach to voting that asks for citizens to submit names of potential presidents and provide feedback on the current president via surveys, an approach similarly employed by Columbia University.

President Trump, upon being asked about his thoughts of adhering more to Columbia’s policies, said: “Columbia? Colombia–They have a lot of drugs, Colombia, and we’re going to put an end to that.”

Excess Moisture Observed At Vag Center Construction Site

By Kelly Cheng

Atmospheric researchers at Columbia’s Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory have recently confirmed that humidity levels at the construction site of Barnard College’s Roy and Diana Vagelos Science Center (also known as the Vag Center, for short) have reached a staggering 847 percent, despite the chilly weather. The researchers have described this phenomenon as “both unprecedented and weirdly appropriate given the nickname.”

Those attempting to study near the construction site have reported that their textbooks have begun to warp and their laptop screens are fogging over. At least three students have had to wring out their lecture notes like dish towels due to the atmospheric moisture. Facilities staff have attempted to address the issue by opening windows, but

sources say the moisture simply “refused to leave,” with one worker noting that it “seems to have made itself at home.”

As Barnard continues construction, students have heard rumors of a hidden addition to the renovated Vag Center: The Bean Cafe at the Vag Center. “I’m not sure where The Bean will be located, but I sure hope there’s a button on the elevator that tells you which floor it’s on,” said a concerned Columbia CS major, further claiming that The Bean is “an urban legend.” In contrast, the Barnard Club Q members unanimously reported that they’d “have no trouble finding it, if it exists.” Lehrer Cumming, a representative of the Vag Center’s construction team, announced that Columbia students will be denied entry through the building’s backdoor for “safety purposes.”

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Relationship Win! Man Looks Girlfriend in the Eyes Before Telling Her She’s Being Too Dramatic

By Oliver Green

the male gaze <3

In what many are calling a “huge step forward” for the couple, it was reported last Thursday that, during a particularly intense argument, Columbia junior Ron Stern at last met his girlfriend’s eyes before telling her she was “being too dramatic.” His girlfriend, Paige, was reportedly taken aback and had to take a second to process what had just occurred. “Aww, Ron!” she swooned, wrapping her arms around Ron.

Our Fed reporters quickly arrived on the scene to get more details. “It was sooo sweet,” Paige said, dreamily. “He actually looked up from his phone and moved his eyes in my general direction, even though he was in the middle of a ‘Clash Royale’ game! And just in time for Valentine’s Day, how romantic!”

It remains to be seen what will happen to the couple after such a seismic shift. However, Paige is reportedly optimistic that Ron will keep up this good behavior and maybe even “listen” one of these days.

A Cycle of Grief: Quesadilla Theft at JJ’s

By Winston Vuong

i’ve already ordered twice

As Columbia students returned to campus following the new year, frequenters of the premier late-night dining hall, JJ’s Place, reported a drastic spike in stolen o rders. In a recent investigation by The Fed, we discovered that this form of theft, like a fart, is silent, but deadly: a patron orders, the chefs prepare it, and the criminals strike. The crime has been especially prevalent among quesadilla orders—the hottest JJ’s menu item—and has led us to investigate how the victims, stripped of their dignity, are coping amidst the tragedies.

In an interview with The Fed, a recent victim of the inhumanity recalls his disturbing experience.

“Honestly, I stood in that line with no food or water for maybe half an hour—and all I wanted was this damn quesadilla. While I waited for them to finish my order, I thought to myself that, God forbid, I’d have time to get a cup of Dr. Pepper. I was WRONG.”

At this point in the interview,

the student became visibly emotional and requested a moment to compose themselves before continuing. “When I heard them call my order,” he sniffles, “I ran over just to see nothing but a barren, lifeless, empty counter. I asked the staff, the students—no one knew who took it. Hopeless, I turned to my friends, and all they kept saying was ‘Why didn’t you stay at the counter?’ ‘Why didn’t you watch over it?’ Like, excuse me? What kind of a fatass stalks the chefs when they make our food? I was hungry, not big.”

The Fed has observed this pattern of emotional distress throughout the numerous victims we continued to observe: food is stolen, denial sets in, and grief follows. This particular student has since filed a report with the NYPD for further review, and concluded with what he can only hope will happen. “I don’t want apologies. I want justice. Lock that bitch up.”

JJ’s Food Review: ‘I Just Ate the Most Bomb Quesadilla’

By Sasha Maroulis

all you can eat

With the spring semester getting underway, our Columbia Federalist reporters ventured into JJ’s to see what students were snackin’ on. One particular interview subject, who asked to remain anonymous, raved about the ordering system at JJ’s.

“Yeah, this was my first time in JJ’s since maybe September, and it was so smooth getting my food,” claimed the student. “I grabbed one of those chicken quesadillas they leave out next to the burgers, and it

was so gas, bro. It did take, like, 30 seconds for them to make it, which is kinda annoying, but I’m fine with waiting, honestly.”

The student explained to our team that the JJ’s quesadilla system is superior to Diana’s.

“At Diana, you have to wait in a line, and it just takes forever. At JJ’s, you can just swipe one up, and then you’re chillin. Anyone who says the waits are long at JJ’s just doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

Report: John Jay Ice Cream Station Tied to Admin Feeder Kink

By Federalist Staff

Following an extensive investigation by the Columbia University Senate, the recently-installed ice cream station at John Jay has been revealed as the product of a board member’s feeder kink. The board member allegedly had a 500 GB hard drive containing concerning materials, including a file ranking students, referred to as “piggies,” who had freshman-fifteened the most aggressively since the induction of the ice cream station.

The accused member, Gregory Glutton, (CC ‘51), denies the allegations, stating that he has “absolutely no desire to watch young, attractive, and pleasantly rotund students slurp down Cookie Monster ice cream.”

In response to the revelation, the Barnard BDSM Society has released a statement via Instagram Stories: “While we stand with the kinkiest members of our Columbia community, especially those within the increasingly marginalized feeder community, we oppose non-consensual scenarios like these unless all parties agree to it.”

Glutton has refused to step down and has instead appointed himself as Special Envoy to Student Safety, placing himself on duty at John Jay from open to close to “catch the real culprit.”

Public Safety Removes CUID Restrictions for All Columbia Buildings You’d Never Want to Go to in the First Place

By Oliver Green rip open campus

Dear Columbia Community,

We’ve been hearing student feedback, and, you’d better believe it, three years later, we listened, kinda. As of December 8th, CUID swipe access restrictions on all buildings on Columbia’s Morningside campus have been removed. However, all residential halls, libraries, labs, and places worth going to on campus will continue to require CUID access, as will academic buildings with entrances on public streets. So, yeah, don’t get too excited.

To be clear, all (yes, all) buildings on campus will be absolutely, 100 percent restriction-free (with the small exception of every single library, Lerner, NoCo, Mudd, Schapiro, Dodge, and Pupin. Oh yeah, and all of the dorms too).

Sorry kiddos, Butler’s still gonna require swipe access, bummer. Boo-hoo. There’s really nothing we can do about that. But, hey, remember Schermerhorn? Yeah, you know the one, that grimy old fixer-upper! Well, now you and your friends can

have loads of fun hanging out there, and you won’t even need to swipe in. You’re gonna love the extension. You’re welcome!

We at Public Safety listen to our community, and as Public Safety, we will always do anything to keep the public safe. After students unanimously named one area where they were most dissatisfied with our university: Public Safety, we at Public Safety have made it our top priority to fix these disruptive Public Safety policies that frankly never would have existed in the first place if Public Safety were in charge. This is why we have instated a new Public Safety mission statement: “Columbia Public Safety is in charge of keeping the public safe.”

Sincerely,

Columbia Public Safety

(Note: access to Schermerhorn is subject to change at the whims of Public Safety)

Sunday Scaries: Snowed in With a One-Night-Stand

By Matthias Pridgeon the weather outside is frightful...

Perhaps the most tragic element of the snowstorm that struck NYC this January was its timing. Sweeping in early Sunday morning, Columbia students who slept in late following a rowdy night on the town were alarmed to wake not only to a terrible headache, three missed calls from disappointed Life360-checking parents, a guilty conscience, and a surfeit of horny-Roaree tattoos, but also approximately 16 inches of snow (slightly above average, according to The Fed’s sources).

For one alarmed student, who immediately related his story to our expert therapist/reporters at The Fed, the timing was exceptionally awful. He awoke to find that not only was his back incredibly sore, but he also was not even in his own bed (perhaps the lack of mattress topper explained the soreness…) or even his own dorm! Nor was he alone. His hook-up from the night before, who he meant to never see again, was now his snowday buddy.

“I just, like, didn’t know how to talk to her, like, sober and in the harsh light of day,” he said. Confusion, it seemed, was the general state. “I just kind of defaulted to NSOP-style conversation, like major, hometown, all that stuff. It was just sooooooo hard to care.” Our source was subjected not only to conversation, but also, he claims, even to cooking breakfast with his one night-stand. He tried to drown her out by blasting Fred Again in his airpods, but to no avail. By the time

Heated Rivalry and Harry Styles were mentioned, our poor source had been through enough—through too much, in fact. With no other options, he slipped and slid in a state of semi-undress through the snow and cold back to his own cozy dorm.

So, if you see men running half nude across campus in the next snowstorm, try not to judge, for you know not the battles they face.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Columbia to Break Athletes’ Legs in Response to Low Sporting Event Turnout

By Sasha Maroulis

a natural consequence

Though it feels quite chilly, spring sports are officially in full swing at Columbia! At the same time, the University has observed a significant decline in sporting event attendance, despite promoting games with giveaways such as shirts, mugs, and gift cards. In a move to boost attendance numbers, Columbia is announcing an alternative approach for upcoming games.

“Our new plan is quite straightforward,” stated Executive Director of Columbia Athletics Cormac McBlumpkin. “For every sporting event with attendance numbers below our expectations, we will randomly select a player and break their legs with a hammer in front of spectators.”

McBlumpkin clarified that the University would begin by breaking opposing players’ legs, but that they would consider attacking Columbia athletes as well if the attendance problem persisted.

“At the end of the day, we’re doing this to support our students,” McBlumpkin clarified. “Students are going to go to more games this way, especially if it means sparing their friends.”

While McBlumpkin’s approach may sound extreme, it echoes Princeton Athletics’ infamous 1973 “Live Tiger Throwdown” event, which singlehandedly revitalized the school’s wrestling program.

I’m the New President of Columbia. This is Why We Need NYU.

By Joshua Thorne big shoes to fill

As you may know, we have decided to continue expanding our incoming freshman class. Many of you may be wondering how the University expects to continue to offer housing, dining, and lame frat parties for all of these students. Luckily, there is a time-honored solution at our disposal: buying up even more land. After all, what would this University be without our ruthless history of expansion east into Harlem and north into Manhattanville, expelling residents and preschools along the way? But a new frontier of expansion now calls us: New York University.

You may be skeptical, but no one has a better claim to NYU than Columbia does. After all, it’s not written down anywhere that NYU doesn’t belong to Columbia. In fact, I’m sure the students at NYU would love to have Columbia as their benevolent overlords—I mean, landlords. Their campus is ideally suited to meet our needs. Imagine how much nicer Washington Square Park will be after we install gates and CUID checkpoints!

In fact, controlling NYU is a matter of national and even international security. As Cornell’s sphere of influence expands, we need to solidify our control of the borough. Our glorious empire of gentrification will soon

lay claim over both Upper and Lower Manhattan, and once we acquire NYU’s satellite campuses, our reach will extend from Greenwich Village to Shanghai and Abu Dhabi. And with all the room for new students, our radiant endowment will only continue to grow. NYU is our destiny, and we will take it, one way or another.

With appreciation,

Jennifer L. Mnookin President-Designate, Columbia University in the City of New York

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Most Anticipated Reboot/Spinoff

Movies Coming Out in 2026

By Oliver Green

make a letterboxd account already!

• Three Men and a Baby and a Caricature Artist

• Groundhog Day 2: Hey, Quit Hoggin’ All That Ground!

• Father of the Bride and His Friend Larry

• Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants With Zippers

• Four Weddings and a Funeral and a Surprisingly “Lit” Bar Mitzvah

Embarrassing! Guy Shitting in the Butler Stall Next to Me Has a Way Better ‘For You Page’ Than I Do

By Anand Shukla-Parekh

There I was, sitting in the Butler bathrooms. My safe space: a fecal oasis amidst the chaos of Columbia. Within those walls of solitude, one can find a few elusive moments of zen in this city that never sleeps.

So naturally, I opened Instagram, ready to scroll and click while I shit a brick. I was entering flow state. Chakras were aligning. My brain was rotting in real-time.

But all of a sudden, as I opened my feed to a promising first reel (a Benson Boone backflip compilation), my immersion was shattered by the unmistakable sound of the man in the stall next to me.

But make no mistake—this was not your standard men’s room melody. In defiance of man and God and all things holy, as if on a crosstown bus, this man was watching reels in his stall on full volume. My meditative concentration was shattered, broken every five seconds by a new trending sound from his phone.

I was shocked. Horrified. Shitting myself. I had to fight back. And so I did what any rational person would: as if initiating a nuclear arms race, I turned up my own volume. But, in true Cold War fashion, he increased his volume in turn.

How could somebody be so selfish as to pollute a space as sacred as a public toilet? I found myself looking up campus security’s phone number, hoping they might step in and bring justice to this crook on the crapper.

But just as I was about to press call, I became truly cognizant of the actual sounds coming from my restroom rival. And I nearly fainted.

Banger reel after banger reel issued forth from his For You Page like a blessing from on high. Forget about Benson Boone. This was the perfect mix of political takes, red-pilled podcasts, and clips from 2000s shows. Everything was there. Was that Hasan Piker? Followed by Joe Rogan? Did I just hear five big booms?

Oh, to be the architect who built this algorithm brick by brick. What exquisite taste! Salieri had met his Mozart. I was thoroughly emasculated. Fuck leaving the bathroom insecure about your dick size—the algorithm is the true measure of a man.

In the end, I could do naught but listen in awe to this auteur, as he blessed the room with his art. Truly, all around there are symphonies for those with ears to hear them.

Semester Bucket List BINGO

By Valerie Yum

Saw your ex at a Superbowl watchparty

Hung out with your marriage pact

Had Cane’s/ Upside/Koronet’s drunk

Watched a Columbia Women’s Basketball game

Visited Mount Sinai for you/your friend

Signed up for the NYC Full/Half marathon

Caught the flu/mono

Missed the Bacchanal pre-sale ticket

Booked tickets to somewhere tropical for Spring Break

Clicked “going” on a Partiful invite knowing you weren’t going to make it

Pulled an all nighter for a midterm/ final Slid/fell due to the snow

Did laptop work at the Heights/1020/ Lion’s Den

Got with a “J” name

Regretted going to a frat party

Attended the Battle of the Dining Halls

White Boy Who Claims to Be at a ‘Very Chinese Time in His Life’ Gets D in Elementary Mandarin

By Ava Lyon-Sereno

earning those dumpliings

Diana Bowls in the Dodge Sauna and Other Unique Date Ideas

By Livy Molko

beans and steam

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Amidst the sensual snowy atmosphere, all members of the Columbia community are beginning to stir in anticipation of Valentine’s Day. Now is the time that traditional and modern romantics alike rack their brains for date ideas that will raise their partners’ expectations for the remainder of the ambiguous-labeled relationship. Here at The Fed, we believe that true love is represented not by how much chocolate you buy or the sincerity of a handwritten note, but how irreplicable your Valentine’s Day date plans are. But fear not, young lovers! Below are three ideas for never-been-done-before dates that will be sure to show your true affection and appreciation for that special someone.

1. Group guided tour of the Tenement Museum: there is nothing more romantic than sexual tension that brews amongst a large crowd. In this dark, damp, cramped space, you will be transported back to the good old days. Add in the ambiance of 19th century architecture and tattered cotton dresses, what could be better?

2. Watch me scroll through my entire camera roll: Any time of day, over dinner, over drinks, in bed, in the library, on the bus, this is sure to keep your partner one hundred percent engaged for hours on end, and will have as much fun as you are.

3. Diana bowls in the Dodge sauna: Eat the bowl you crave with an excuse to have the meat sweats. Minimal clothing and warm sour cream, what more could you ask for?

Freshman to Senior in Startling Prank: ‘I’m So Hungry

I Could Eat Minouche Shafik’

By Reza Shayesteh

Sienna Granillo/Staff Artist

Regularly saying he was “at a very Chinese time” in his life, Engel O’Saxson, CC ’28, decided to enroll in Elementary Mandarin. Unfortunately, a familiarity with screenshotted RedNote memes and a love for Panda Express didn’t seem to help in the classroom. On his very first quiz, he scored a D. “Like what the fuck man,” complained O’Saxson. “My professor is such a hardass! What’s up with all these weird letters? Why so many lines?” When informed that Mandarin can be hard for native English speakers to learn due to being a tonal language, O’Saxson brushed off the concern. “Yeah, yeah, the tones and stuff. Where’s my bao?”

war flashbacks

Little Johnny, CC ‘29, had only heard the legend of Baroness Nemat Shafik when he was accepted into Columbia. Shafik was just a faded myth, the big bad wolf of generations past. When reading the story of Circe in The Odyssey, Little Johnny couldn’t help but picture the ephemeral Shafik, the one and only Minouche, and the canticle of her epic rise and fall.

After a few lite beers at a Co-öp reunion party hosted by his cool senior orientation leader in EC, Brett, Little Johnny had an idea from something he had seen a few months back on TikTok. “Hey Brett,” Little Johnny exclaimed from across the room. “I’m so hungry I could eat Minouche Shafik!”

But Brett didn’t laugh. He remembered too well. He remembered those April nights locked out of campus and unable to access Butler. He remembers eating those cold Shake Shack fries with his Minouche bucks TM. He looked at Little Johnny with disgust, saying, “You fucking kids think you’re so smart.” He spat out his chew and glared. Little Johnny quickly backed down, but he couldn’t shake the chills that Brett’s response sent down his spine. That night, Little Johnny lay awake tossing and turning in his Furnald single, wondering if one day, three years and another five presidents later, a wee CC’32er’s mention of “Jennifer Mnookin” would make him feel the same rage.

Report: Cute Girl Eyeing You From Across Library Just Wants Your Premium Study Spot

By Inica Kotasthane

pretty privilege ;)

It is a tale told many times before… you arrive at Butler early in the morning, sprightly and brighteyed, and secure the best seat in the Lawrence A. Wien Reference Room. You ease into your chair— perfectly illuminated by an iconic chandelier with a trash can within arm’s reach—and settle into a problem set. You barely pay any mind to the library latecomers trickling into the room as you march through problem after problem, brow furrowed in concentration.

It is only when you finish the page that you raise your head, and are met with a smoldering gaze—a raven-haired beauty propped up against the room’s doorway stares unblinkingly at you. You startle, turning your head around to see if she’s looking past you at someone else, but when you turn back, her eyes are still on you.

“Me?” You mouth, pointing at yourself. She nods in response, red lips curving into a smile and eyelashes fluttering coquettishly. She raises her hand and beckons you closer with a manicured finger. An unpalpable surge of nerves dance in your stomach. You barely notice

yourself rising out of your chair, entranced by this goddess. When you reach her, you’re vibrating with excitement. She runs a hand down your arm, sending shivers down your spine. “Bring your stuff,” she whispers. “Let’s get out of here.” You can’t believe your luck—it’s not even noon and you’ve finished an assignment and are about to get laid.

You quickly gather up your belongings, shoving your laptop and crumpling sheets of paper into your bag. You swing your bag onto your shoulder and almost trip on yourself getting to the doorway, where she waits for you. She grabs your hand and you take a step together, turn out of the room and POOF! She’s gone. Your hand is empty, grabbing only air. Her perfume lingers, but she is nowhere to be found. You whip your head around, desperate to catch a glimpse of your new lover, before stopping, eyes locking on a flash of black hair in your seat. She’s in your chair, laptop placed on your desk space, maneuvering a charger into your outlet.

Well played, beautiful stranger. Well played.

Dike (Diana x Chef Mike’s)

FanFic: Love

Knows No Gates

By Sophia Brown and Valerie Yum

why does my sub have beans in it…

Chef Mike has always been a dominant player in Columbia Dining. Known for his longstanding commitment to family values and good subs, he turned heads across campus, extroverted, devilishly handsome, and everyone’s campus crush.

Diana knew what she stood for. Named for the Roman goddess of the hunt–a famed virgin, she knew her place and proudly kept to herself. That was until she met Chef Mike at the Battle of the Dining Halls last year. Since then, she’s had a juicy secret.

Of course, Chef Mike and Diana knew about each other before their official meeting. Both renowned by Columbia’s student athletes seeking hot meat, word was bound to get around. After their first conversation, Chef Mike convinced Diana to try subs, and it just escalated from there. Soon, Mike was tossing salads left and right, trying to get closer to Diana. Their spicy secret kept both kitchens hot and steamy this cold winter.

“Have you ever tried raw beef?” Mike asked Diana.

“No, do you think I should?” Diana replied, looking up into Chef Mike’s eyes, green as the lettuce he serves.

The rest of this story can be found on wattpad.com under the username @columbiadiningFUSION. Unfortunately, The Fed refused to print the entire work due to its explicit sexual nature.

Op-Ed: JJ’s Express Mobile Ordering Deprives Me of the Thrill of the Hunt

By Oliver Green

So I guess nothing is sacred anymore. First they closed the gates, then they cracked down on campus free speech, and now this? Where will it end? The world feels like it’s turning more and more into a dystopian sci-fi reality every day, and, honestly, this is the final straw.

It’s hard to think of getting a better legal high than the feeling of standing in line for 15 minutes before opening the JJ’s door, walking up to the counter, saying “Express, please,” being sternly told to wait, standing outside the door for another two minutes, opening the JJ’s door again, saying “Express, please,” and then browsing the cornucopia

of snacks at your fingertips. The selection process for my “Take Four” felt like I was reaching back through biological time, connecting with my foraging ancestors checking their traps for small game to help them survive the harsh winters.

JJ’s Express was the last vestige of connection to my prehistoric hunter-gatherer ancestors. Now that I can just have someone else get the exact snacks I want from Thursdays to Sundays, it’s just not the same. I’m worried I’ll never quite get to experience that same rush again, and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make it through the semester.

A New Perspective on Enrollment Increase: ‘More

Huzz is More Huzz’

By Reza Shayesteh

all’s fair in love and overenrollment

Columbia University announced in November that they are considering increasing the class sizes of Columbia College and SEAS for the next admission cycles. Though they received flack for the over enrollment of the Class of 2029, certain administrators still proposed a permanent, future increase of class size between 5 and 20 percent.

Students initially reacted very negatively to the proposed increase. Some claim that the overenrollment has made on campus spaces overcrowded. One such junior student, complained that “John Jay has been a zoo” ever since September and wants “these Freshman to get the fuck out his way.” Other students have complained that the libraries have been so crowded that they reportedly have to “clock a bitch” just to get a seat!

Other students, after considering it for some time, have been a bit more optimistic. Single students have been complaining about the lack of dating options at Columbia for years. Heterosexual women in particular have been dealing with the lack of viable dating options since Jake Gyllenhaal dropped out in 2000. Lexi Lorison, CC ‘28, said in an interview with The Fed that she’s excited for the change: “Marriage Pact was dry as shit this year. More huzz is more huzz.”

Pervert student Robbie Underpants, CC ‘27, said in an interview that he can’t wait for the increase. He couldn’t help but subject our Fed reporter to his fantasies of “Honeys having to sit his lap in Butler main room because there won’t be enough chairs” and “Going in on a fra diavolo mussel at John Jay ‘Lady and the Tramp’ style with a hot babe because there won’t be enough utensils to go around.”

Administrators are also handing out extra condoms throughout campus to avoid the increase of people living in Columbia Housing who are not old enough to pay full tuition.

JJ’s Place Awarded Michelin Star

By Aron Shklar and Ava Lyon-Sereno

In a recent joint announcement, the Michelin Company and Columbia Dining Services shared that JJs will be awarded a Michelin star. The award, usually reserved for the world’s finest restaurants, generated some confusion amongst campus and food critics. An additional statement was later issued, clarifying that the award was given based on “JJs dining upholding the highest standards of rubber tire consistency in their food.” Specifically, the texture of JJs meat products, such as hamburgers and chicken nuggets, “sets an industry-wide example” for manufacturing the tires that Michelin churns out every day.

Anonymous Love Letters: A Fed x Sundial Oneshot

By Roar-ee’s Girl

Tags: #enemiestolovers #feddial #tsundere!sundial #delinquent!fed #columbiauniversity #universityau #tsundere #baka #fakenews #mamdani

“Another stupid day at this stupid school,” The Columbia Sundial grumbled. It was an early, snowy Monday at Columbia University. As Sundial trudged through College Walk, a few students glared at them. Maybe it was because Sundial only showered thrice a week — and therefore had a potent musk — or maybe it was because of their controversial opinions. Sundial smirked and pointed their nose up at the haters.

Sundial loved to enroll in seminars, just so they could voice their controversial opinions that nobody wanted to hear. They loved the glares they got from their peers as they incited debates that they had no valid argument for. Deep down, however, Sundial knew that they only enrolled in seminars because their father, The Free Press, never gave them any attention as a child.

Unfortunately for Sundial, they had to take an introductory Anthropology lecture with Professor Mahmood Mamdani to complete their Core requirements. It made Sundial’s blood boil, considering that the professor was the father of NYC’s new Democratic Socialist mayor.

Sundial glanced at the date on the chalkboard: February 13, 2026. Valentine’s Day was coming soon, and Sundial was planning to spend that day moping in their dorm like a chud.

“Still getting those anonymous letters on your dorm door?,” Columbia Political Review smirked, blocking Sundial from climbing up the stairs to their usual seat.

Sundial’s face flushed. “K-kyaaaaa! How do you know about that?!”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger,” Columbia Political Review raised their hands in surrender, “everyone’s wonder-

from your secret admirer:

ing who actually wants to write to you.”

The Columbia Federalist, Columbia’s number one delinquent and playpaper, strolled in. They were notorious for their summer situationship with the Columbia Daily Spectator, but during the first week of classes, they met Spec at Amity Hall to publicly announce that they were no longer a thing.

“Still teasin’ the Sundial, Columbia Political Review?” The Fed leaned an arm on the other publication, “That was so last semester. You already know how they feel about anonymous notes. Besides, Sundial’s not even relevant anymore.”

“O-oh yeah?” Sundial’s face turned red, “Who even knows who you are, Federalist?”

“Practically the whole school,” The Fed replied coolly. “But you keep bringing me up in your discussions… are you tryin’ to get my attention, Sundial?”

A few students chuckled.

“H-hmph! Baka!” Sundial turned their head and crossed their arms, “It’s n-not like I like you or anything!”

Professor Mamdani entered the lecture hall, and everyone took their seats. The Fed sat down, but not before turning to Sundial.

“Might wanna look under your seat.”

Sundial reached under the chair and pulled out a heart-shaped sticky note that read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Meet me at Dodge tonight

To see who’s your boo Xoxo,

Your secret admirer

Sundial puffed up their cheeks angrily, crumpling up the anonymous note. But curiosity got the best of them. A pink flush tinted their cheeks. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to find out who their first (and only) admirer was…

JJ’s Mobile Ordering:

Most Realistic Yet

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci

As many students are now becoming acclimated to the new age of Columbia Dining with the introduction of mobile ordering at Chef Mike’s Sub Shop, the scope of the mobile-revolution is expanding. Students can now place orders for JJ’s Place from the comfort of their own poorly-lit dorm.

However, in a recent letter to Students and Staff, Columbia Dining explained that they understand students love of the JJ’s ambiance, and in an effort to make mobile ordering as comfortable as possible for students, they have added new realistic features, to mitigate the effects of FOMOOWIHAJJ (Fear Of Missing Out On What Is Happening At JJ’s). The app will be equipped with features such as voice recordings of “ONE LINE ONE LINE EXPRESS AND DINE IN ONE LINE” and “BEHIND THE LINE!”

If you are to order a quesadilla, you might even be greeted with “CHEESE QUESADILLA!!! WHAT ARE YOU HAVING??? STEP UP, NEXT. NEXT!!! STEP UP!!! I SWEAR TO F***ING GOD STEP THE F*** UP AND TAKE YOUR F***ING QUESADILLA!!!”

Thanks CU Dining! We can’t wait to log on!

My Password is Missing

By Zoe Silverman

try 1234

Like most Columbia students, this winter break, I returned home to the sunny land of Los Angeles and immediately entered a state of academic witness protection. My laptop and I did not speak. We did not acknowledge each other. We avoided eye contact entirely. Not once did I open it. Not once did I even look in its direction. I forgot it existed, despite the small, insignificant detail that my thesis is due in a few months and I had repeatedly told myself I would “keep researching over break.”

Naturally, I left my laptop behind in California, along with my iPad, notebooks, pens, and every other object remotely associated with learning or responsibility. When they were eventually shipped back to me, I discovered I could no longer access a single device. My phone had been used exclusively

for TikTok doom-scrolling, and the passwords to every Google Doc, Sheet, and Presentation I’ve ever made had evaporated in transport. I couldn’t get into my laptop or my iPad, and worse, it appeared I had forgotten how to type entirely. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, shaking worse than Don Vito Corleone in “The Godfather 3.” I tried every password I’ve ever used, including my childhood dog’s name (Huckleberry) and the word “password.” Nothing worked. I eventually regained access after answering three security questions, capturing two flying squirrels, confirming two email addresses I no longer use, and proving to a machine that I am, in fact, myself. It was the most academically rigorous thing I’ve done, ever.

FedLibs: An Email Template To Ask for a Grade Bump

By Inica Kotasthane

Dear Professor [NAME],

I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately, am not doing so great, especially after taking your exam today. However, I think I have some pretty {ADJECTIVE] explanations, which I hope you will listen to, though I know it is a very busy time of the semester, and you likely have at least [NUMBER] other matters to address. I will try to keep it brief.

Yesterday, my [ANIMAL] died while [VERB ENDING IN -ING] in what I was told was New York’s safest [PLACE]. The day before that, someone broke into my dorm room and stole my [NOUN] which was passed down to me by my grandmother and is a family heirloom from the early 19th century. And since Monday I’ve been suffering from tummy

it’s not like they read these anyways

problems. I suspect that the [FOOD] I got from [DINING HALL] gave me food poisoning… I guess those little [COLOR] bits were, in fact, [ANIMAL] droppings. Whoops!

Anyway, all of this is to say that my performance on your final was likely very [ADJECTIVE]. I think you could cut me some slack, especially since I’m better than all those other [PLURAL NOUNS] in the class. We both know that [NAME] was a real bitch… they would always [VERB] during your lectures. I’d really appreciate it if you could show some holiday generosity and bump my grade up to a [LETTER]. Maybe then I’ll make my [FAMILY MEMBER] proud!

[PHRASE THAT MEANS ‘GOOD BYE’],

Your favorite student

Columbia University Icon, Captain Bayonne, Under Fire for Stuffing His Dancebelt

By Sydney Kelble

happens to the best of us

Working definition for the ignorant readership: A dance belt is a thong male ballet dancers with penises wear to hold their genitals in place whilst dancing.

Captain Bayonne, Columbia’s local bottle-flipping sensation, has recently come into the spotlight for a not-so-flipping awesome reason. Students are used to seeing him perform his special feat on Low Steps in his usual uniform: a Luchador’s wrestling mask and fantastically bright and colorful tights. However, a newer, slightly bigger spectacle has bulged into the forefront of the conversation around Bayonne. Chatter amongst students has arisen as a result of a new addition to the Captain’s performance—moving in step with the male ballerinos of the New York City Ballet, it seems that Captain Bayonne has hopped onto the trend of stuffing his dance belt to enhance his natural features.

The Fed took to Low Steps in an attempt to put their finger on the pulse and gauge student reactions to this change. An anonymous sophomore explained: “I am afraid that Captain Bayonne has fallen into the classic trap of prioritizing appearances over one’s craft. It’s a shame to see him fall prey to, like, modern beauty standards.” Another student, a junior, elaborated, gesticulating wildly: “In such a community as Columbia, one might expect the populus to be immune to typic fads and such superficialities as one’s outward form. I suppose this is all one can expect in the Age of Technology and Social Media dominance.” Other comments were in the same vein, expressing concern that the Captain was suffering from body dysmorphia, a condition common among dancers with exacting and toxic standards imposed on them by the performing arts community. The Fed suspects that perhaps this is all one BIG misunderstanding.

Columbia Seeks Students for Committee to Clear Snow

By Federalist Staff

suggested reading: how to prevent frostbite on the nose

A recent ad posted by the University revealed that a bold new committee is being assembled to combat the relentless siege known as “winter.” Existing applicants under consideration include traditional frat bros, active international students, and Vegas, our favorite bouncer, who will bravely stand between students and their icy deaths.

The mission of this committee? To clear the walkways for students and professors alike using time-honored techniques passed down through generations. Methods vary by volunteer: some favor aggressive facefirst engagement, while others swear by waiting it out until nature does the job. A few true innovators have proposed radical new ideas for manual removal, such as the tried-and-true methods of snorting, dissolving under the gum, and, even rarer, rectal administration. The University reminds students that, while snow is temporary, poor decision-making is forever. Further updates will be issued once the sidewalks are safe or once spring arrives, whichever comes first.

Barnard Dining to Open Kissing Booth at the Blind Corner Stairway to Hewitt Dining

By Madeline Basch

In their February newsletter, Barnard Dining announced the opening of a new seasonal kissing booth located just behind the blind-corner staircase at the entrance of Hewitt Dining Hall. A recent survey, composed primarily of male Columbia athletes, has determined the location as “the cornerstone for total awkward sexual tension and accidental meet-cutes,” citing confusing pedestrian congestion, fluorescent lighting, and the intimately unique experience of bodies pressed up against each other after a near collision.

According to the announcement, the booth will operate during peak hours, offering an opportunity for students to “crash into the kiss” or, alternatively, shuffle from left to right, parallel to the other student, for an average of six seconds until one lets the other pass. Barnard Dining ensures all participation to be optional

but predicts that the collective social pressure will be a “driving force for flustered fornication.”

One volunteer described the space as a “charged, but deeply discomforting, atmosphere.” Another compared the experience to “seeing a lover from a past life briefly collide in the present time.”

Though there are no confirmed reports of any developing romances, Barnard Dining still remains optimistic. “We cannot stress enough how architecturally groundbreaking this blind corner is for budding campus courtships,” stated an official hired to increase winter morale through romance. After knocking into a student carrying a bowl of kosher chowder, the official continued, “though chemistry can’t be planned, congestion can!”

‘There’s a New Sheriff in Town,’ Says Mnookin While Drafting Friendly Introductory Email

By Beau Gantz

i’m mspookin-ed

According to sources close to the Office of the President, new University President Jennifer Mnookin reportedly cracked her knuckles, opened up her laptop, and created an email draft with the subject line “Hiya There!” “There’s a new sheriff in town, Columbia,” said Mnookin in a low voice while miming smoking a cigarette. “Or should I say…a Mnoo, a m-new, a, um, a mnew sheriff in town. A Mnookin sheriff in town. Heck yes.”

“I know I might seem like a friendly Wisconsinite, but be warned. I’m a lethal weapon. Yeah. A weapon of mass destruction. A Mnooklear bomb,” said Mnookin as she put a stock photo of smiling students on a Pinterest board titled “2026 Columbia Vibes.”

“I came to Columbia for two reasons: to chew bubblegum and to capitulate to the federal government. And I still have a lot of bubblegum I’ve yet to unpack from my suitcase. However, I can multitask, so I’ll probably do both things simultaneously. Look-

ing forward to it!”

Leaked footage obtained by The Fed shows Mnookin later that same day, waiting outside a meetand-greet with some esteemed faculty. She appeared to be hyping herself up by mumbling Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” under her breath. After a few moments the video shows Mnookin abruptly begin flexing and yelling to herself, “I’m going MNOOKIN MODE!” She then composed herself, walked into the event, and politely greeted the audience.

Last week, The Fed approached Mnookin for comment in her office. She seemed to be struggling with the day’s Wordle and told us to “stay away from [her] for [our] own safety.” She then guessed the word “CHEES” and said, “I’m so close. Just let me do this. Let me cook. Let me…Mnook. Let Mnook. I almost have it.”

The Fed looks forward to learning more about Presnook in the coming weeks.

Aron Shklar/Staff Artist

Partiful Invite: Galentine’s Day Brunch! And Keep Your

Ugly

Fucking Boyfriend at Home!

Overheard at Columbia

By Federalist Staff

girlfriends are on thin ice

Hey girlies!

Just wanted to invite you guys to my place for a little brunch on February 13th! I’m making French toast and mimosas, so come on over! But remember! No fucking boyfriends.

This time of year can be so hard for a lot of us, so I think it would be great if we could have a little girl time!

I know that some people had asked last year (Maggie and Lauren!) if their boyfriends could tag along, and I’d like to take this opportunity to say absolutely not. Lauren, I know you and Jake broke up (THANK GOD), but Maggie, if you bring Rocco again this year, I’m seriously gonna have to kick both of you the fuck out. I only want it to be girls this year. Like

not even gays. Even if they tuck. !!!!!! FIONA !!!!!!:

Last year, you brought Oscar unannounced. I just want to make it clear that behavior like that, for an event like this, is UNACCEPTABLE and almost got you uninvited from this year’s Galentine’s event. When he TOOK A PINK CUPCAKE before I could get an Instagram picture of the beautiful cupcake tower that I got from Magnolia Bakery’s West Village location, I kept it cool, but that tolerance will not be extended this year, so leave the fuggo at home. He looks like a fucking muppet anyway, and he ruined the group picture we got so bad I barely even posted it on my spam.

So excited to host you GIRLS on the 13th! Dress cute!

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

case for headphones

• “Sometimes I wish I was FGLI—this internship prioritizes…”

• “Bro, I’m cooked, five pages of reading due tonight.”

• “You’re Barnard? Yeah, I could tell.”

• “My boyfriend and I are like basically lesbians.”

• “Who’s the president again?”

• “My professor told us she has dyslexia, and I was the only person who laughed until I realized she wasn’t kidding.”

• “Longjohns with the flap are so in.”

• “What the fuck is a snowperson?”

• “Wait, do you think if we take this POC as a pledge, we could get DEI funding?”

Professor Who Takes Ten Weeks to Grade Papers Shocked by Late Assignment

By Audrey Smith

Extremely tenured Professor Elbridge Stenton was deeply offended when a student submitted an assignment one day late.

“Deadlines are sacred,” said Stenton, who has not yet graded assignments from a previous presidential administration. “They teach students discipline—something many of them clearly lack.”

Student Rachel Lin explained, “It’s been really frustrating for me because I spent so long on this essay and I’m still waiting for my grade back.” She graduated in 2007.

President Mnookin’s Day One Priorities

By Beau Gantz

mnookin’ like she’s prepared

• Establish mandatory Mnookin Pronunciation Training for incoming freshmen.

• Delete all pictures of Wisconsin from my phone, and go strict no-contact with Bucky Badger.

• Visit Times Square!

• Building on a foundation of mutual respect, active service, and open communication, establish a close relationship with every member of the NYPD.

• Ask Claire Shipman for the password to the presidential Netflix account.

• Expand Columbia’s tradition of excellence in academic research by Googling “Amity bar senior night when.”

• Establish an “office hours” program where I will take the time to address concerns, complaints, and demands directly from the federal government.

• Karaoke with Rosenbury (show her my fun side!)

• Rebuild Columbia’s reputation as a place where people of all different backgrounds can sleep for one hour a night and develop a mental illness.

• DEFUND THE VARSITY SHOW. TAKE THAT WOKE MUSICAL SHIT TO BROWN.

• Replace the current closed-campus gate system with a protective, bulletproof-glass LionDome around campus, sheltering us from the dangers of our friends and neighbors in the city.

• Continue the storied presidential tradition of sending 3-5 medium-useless emails a semester, while taking advantage of the Presidential Gemini account to write them “hands-free.”

• Make the trustees proud!

“I turned in my midterm in December,” said second-year Maya Santos. “I’ve emailed him three times since, but he said he’s still ‘absorbing the nuances.’ It was a Scantron.” Santos has since switched her major to theoretical mathematics because “it’s the same math I was doing to guess my grade.”

One student attempted to file a formal complaint. The Office of Student Life issued a response: “We take allegations of timelessness very seriously. Processing time is currently estimated at ten semesters.”

The Blue and White Declares Bankruptcy

By Clara Neilson-Papish

show me the money

Friday, February 13, marks a devastating day in history. Columbia’s most underground campus publication, The Blue and White, has published its last issue. Forever. In a not-so-surprising turn of events, The Blue and White has declared bankruptcy. Frankly, they lasted much longer than we expected. After years of unread issues and half-solved puzzles, the publication was toast. When asked for a statement on the matter, Julia Ryan BC ’28, generally “in-the know” student, responded “who’s that?” reflecting the sentiments of the entire student body.

In a last ditch effort to increase their readership, The Blue and White hired newsboys to deliver their papers across the dorms. Unfortunately, this move led to widespread complaints and threats of legal action once the newsboys were found breaking and entering and reenacting scenes from the 1992 film, Newsies, within the dorms. Furthermore, the newsboy caps caused a high school tour to engage in unique and destructive communal vomiting due to their extremely unflattering nature.

The Blue and White offered a comment to The Federalist, desperately searching for one last opportunity to have their name in print. “We blame the crossword team. After last week’s catastrophe with 51-down, it’s no surprise the people have given up on us. I couldn’t blame them.” We at The Fed commiserate with the former magazine and offer positions to any outof-work editors. We could always use more copy editors.

Columbia Sundial Reaffirms

Journalistic Responsibility to Lick That Boot Right Up

In the most recent issue of the Sundial, the paper’s editorial staff took the time to reaffirm their journalistic commitment to licking that boot. Editor-in-Chief Trey Donmey published the following statement:

“As student journalism has gradually decayed in our country, and dissenting opinions have been increasingly silenced on college campuses, we at the Sundial remain committed to diligently and unyieldingly licking the boot of those in power.

As Columbia’s leading bastion of free-thinking, our publication has a unique responsibility to slurp up boot like our nation depends on it. It’s our job to make sure that the university remains committed to exercising its God-given liberties—especially the one about stifling speech it doesn’t agree with.

The university’s right to constitutionally windmill dunk on its students is an issue that people just aren’t talking about enough. Plenty of folks speak up when authorities are committing injustice. They love to post on their Instagram stories, their TikToks, their X profiles, whining about systemic failures and the plight of the common man. To use their own words, it’s only fair that we, in turn, ‘hold space’ for people in power.

In defense of our institutions, we’ve been devoting ourselves to licking boot like never before—heel to toe, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All natural shoeshine over here. We’ve got more foot in our mouth than a white guy in CC trying to talk about the Quran.

People may say, ‘Are you really gonna eat that whole boot, shoe-

strings and all?’ I’ll tell them the same thing I say whenever I find myself in EC on a Saturday night: ‘I don’t care if it’s laced, I still want it.’

It’s our job as student journalists to not only bite that boot, but to lick those kicks and chew those shoes as well. And we’re not just lapping up admin-boot, cop-boot, and Allied-security-sneaker—we’re chewing on those solid gold Trump slip-ons with the same gusto. And by the time we’re finished, we’ll have more metal in our mouths than T-Pain. Speaking of T-Pain, the boots might not have the fur, but we still hit the floor for ‘em over at the Sundial. That’s a reference to the song ‘Low.’

Anyway, just wanted to make sure that we’re all clear on our stance here: prostrate, tongue out. Got so much heel in our face it’s like we’re fighting for Cobra Kai. Doc Marten prescribed us some oral medication, you feel me? We’re the official taste testers for our great nation’s many boots, and we take our role very seriously. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

Columbia Student Stuck Straddling Butler Columns in Free Solo Attempt After Watching Alex Honnold Climb Taipei 101

By Federalist Staff

Early Sunday evening, an unidentified Columbia student took to Butler library, aiming to scale the limestone facade a mere forty hours after watching Alex Honnold free solo one of the tallest skyscrapers in the world. Equipped with nothing but a back-pocket-pouch full of snow, the individual began his ascent. When questioned via megaphone by authorities as to why he brought snow on the journey instead of climbing chalk, he shouted, “Oh is that what that white stuff is? I thought it was snow.”

Despite all odds, the boy made it six feet up the imposing columns lining the historic library. At this point, however, he was unable to continue on. He shouted down to The Fed, “I am physically able to keep going, I just forgot to hit record on Strava.”

A different and acutely distressing perspective was outlined by one source, a supposed close friend of the rope-less climber. She reported that the stunt was part of a ploy to get Claire Shipman to notice him. The boy had a long-standing crush on the acting president ever since she stepped into office. Suspended part way up, the rope-less traveler peered through the thick glass window panes to find The New York Times article announcing Shipman’s upcoming unemployment lit up on every computer screen. The source claims the boy was likely overwhelmed with sadness and simply put, could not climb on. Shipman gave him strength that turned bone into muscle, snow into climbing chalk, and doubt into willpower. Without her, there was no longer any point.

The boy still straddles the pillars. This stunt, deemed foolish by many, goes deeper than the usual hijinks. It is not a cry for attention, but rather a plea for love, ending in loss, perseverance, and lack thereof. Perhaps one day Claire’s cold heart will melt along with the snow continuing to blanket the poor boy.

The Campus Printer Decides My Essay Is Simply Not Meant to Be

By Audrey Smith

we need to talk

Relationships are based on mutual respect, consistency, and support. For two years, I thought we had that. But last night, when I needed him most, the campus printer made it clear that he no longer respects me.

My essay, “Analyzing Statistical Accounting through Taylor Swift Lyrics” was ready to print.

“Error: Paper Jam.”

I restarted him, hoping the reset would wake him up and remind him of who we were. What we had. But he refused.

Looking back, the red flags were there. The “low toner” threats. The “paper jam” excuses. The way he’d go offline for hours without explanation. Still, I stayed. I believed in us. But last night, he showed me his true colors: black, white, cyan, and magenta.

In a moment of desperation, I ran to the library. There, I met another printer. I thought maybe this one would be different. He seemed kinder. More available.

“Paper Jam. I need space.”

God. The most predictable line in the breakup playbook.

We’re over now. I’ve accepted that.

I’ve already placed an order for a personal printer. One that respects me. One that wants to print for me.

It’s time to move on. Some relationships just aren’t meant to last.

What Dining Hall to Take Your Date to Based on How Serious You Are

By Madelyn Xaysanasy

it’s complicated

‘Tis the season of wining and dining. Everyone is concerned about reservations and wait times and doing all the sure-fire things to maximize their Valentine’s Day. No matter who you are, you want to make the right impression on your special someone for the holiday. Columbia Dining provides a wide range of fabulous choices for every type of romance you may find yourself in.

1. It’s About to Go Down…to the Basement: JJ’s Place — If the mood is right, nothing is sexier than a dim, greasy, underground food spot. JJ’s is a straightforward, to-the-point establishment. You know what you want, and you are not afraid to ask… the guy at the grill.

2. I like you. A little: Ferris — One thing that Columbia Dining knows how to do is set a mediocre tone. Ferris has everything you might need, but may be missing what you want. If you are in this relationship limbo, between like-like and “sure, you’re nearby,” Ferris has exactly what you are looking for. Bonus: You can still get some cake.

3. First Date: Faculty House — Maybe this is something new. You’re nervous.

Study Reveals 90 Percent of Group Project Work

Done by One Sad Student

By Audrey Smith

Groundbreaking research by Columbia University has confirmed that a single Columbia student has been doing 90 percent of the work for every group project at the university.

Researchers found that the rest of the students’ contributions were limited to: suggesting a font, putting their names to the title page, and adding a slide at the end of the presentation that reads, “Thanks for watching.”

“I knew it!” said second-year victim Audrey Smith. Smith is the sole weight-bearer for group work at Columbia, and projections suggest that without her efforts the university’s average GPA would plummet by about 50 percent. Her

Aron Shklar/Staff Artist

You want to feel fancy. Or as fancy as the wrinkled polo you found at the bottom of your drawer. Faculty House has real plates and sometimes salmon. That could be good, right?

4. Starting a Polycule: Diana — Sometimes your relationship is ready for the next big step. Not marriage. That’s archaic. I am talking about adding a third. Diana is the perfect setting for testing out your new dynamic. It’s exciting. Fresh. And has options for whatever floats your boat. Put everything you want in that bowl, why not?

5. We are committed. She is the one: Chef Mike’s — If your lover is dependable, consistent, loving, and tender, they deserve to be taken somewhere that shares all of their incredible qualities. Nothing says marriage material more than a sandwich, chips, a baked good of your choosing, a fruit (multiple if you’re slick with it), and a slightly-larger-than-the-otherdining-halls drink.

group member, Brian, was unavailable for comment because he was too busy playing Brawl Stars.

A professor defended group projects, saying they “prepare students for the real world.”

However, the research team has yet to find a workplace where five employees are randomly assigned to complete a major project, and then four of them disappear. Further research on this topic has been derailed ever since the lead scientist quit in frustration after doing 90 percent of the work.

‘Heated Rivalry’ Added to LitHum Curriculum

By Federalist Staff

never in class have i blushed

Love is in the air… and in the curriculum!

Citing a lack of participation in the notorious freshman course, LitHum professors are turning to new approaches to encourage student engagement and excitement for the required course readings.

“We’ve noticed students are constantly talking about this…Heated Rivalry…while we’re discussing, say, Inferno or King Lear,” one English professor explained. “After much deliberation, my fellow professors and I agreed that we’re willing to do anything to get students to interact with books again.”

Students will be asked to handle “Heated Rivalry” as a critical text, and those enrolled in the course should expect to be able to identify key, iconic quotations by both speaker and episode.

In an effort to expand beyond the book and connect with the art further, students should expect to answer questions related to the limited TV series. Prompts may ask questions like, “From which novel appears ‘I’m coming to the cottage’?” and “Explain what happened in Episode 3 as if you were speaking to someone who skipped that episode because they got bored.”

In addition to “Heated Rivalry”, the Columbia English Department is considering introducing a class that will focus on popular adaptations of romance novels. One proposed novel, “Wuthering Heights”, follows the trend of older classics, to many professors’ delight. Another movie-adapted novel, Colleen Hoover’s “It Ends With Us”, was met with a little less excitement. Hey, any reading is good reading, right?

Poll: 0 Percent of SEAS Defense Interns Report Working on Weapons

By Shawn Kathuria

LM is calling...

In a triumphant display of engineering ethics, a new poll conducted at SEAS has shown that 0 percent of students who have interned at defense contractors even considered that they might have been contributing to a weapons program.

Fascinated with these unprecedented results, The Federalist decided to investigate, speaking with multiple students who indicated lack of involvement with weaponry on the poll.

One student, a junior at SEAS, told us about the work they did interning at Lockheed Martin for the past two summers.“Oh, I was on the guidance team,” they told us, eyes lighting up. “Basically getting the thing to go exactly where it needs to go. It’s actually a really elegant problem.”

“It’s the missiles that kill people,” another student told us, unprompted, before saying hello. “I just write the software,” they added defensively, before we could ask a follow-up question.

“Whatever the payload is has nothing to do with me. It’s not always bombs, you know. It could be, like, candy or something.”

Oddly, despite 100 percent of their interns indicating no involvement with weaponry, Lockheed Martin remains the largest weapons manufacturer in the world.

Another student, a second-year electrical engineering major and former Raytheon employee, elaborated on his summer internship work. “I worked on targeting software. Targeting doesn’t mean.. I mean you can target a tree.”

The final student we spoke to told us that not only have they never worked on weapons, but they do not know what a weapon is.

We reached out to Lockheed Martin and Raytheon for comment, but they appear to have mistakenly misplaced our email alongside tens of thousands of messages from human rights organizations.

Change Your Words, Change Your Mindset

By Julia Ryan

• I’m late to class = I’m Mbookin’ it

• I can’t find my ID = I’m Mlookin’ for it

• I’ve failed my midterm = I’ve Mretookin it

• I am wrong = I’ve Mmistookin it

• I live in Brooks = I’m Mbrookin’ up in it

• I am so surprised = I’m Mshookin’

• I’m being kidnapped = I’m Mtookin (Help!)

• I’m kind of feeling like a gregarious, black-feathered bird = I’m Mrookin it

Across:

1. What fidget spinners were designed to deter

5. Heated Rivalry, e.g.

9. A tragic bildungsroman for one girl, or Epstein’s How-to Guide

11. Title for a recent movie and a descriptor for the advertising that convinced me to go see such a monstrosity

12. What a Latin American couple with twinkle toes might be up to on V-Day

15. A possible construal of duck lips

16. And I ___ –VSCO Girls

17. Monsters can be this or at uni, canonically speaking

19. Try hard sports academy

20. A stupid phonetic spelling of a word for young men

21. High-quality grass

22. A piece of processed food in the end?

23. Move quickly

24. “His alias is”

25. The target of poppers, perhaps

27. A name apparently meaning aroma or strong, coming from Hebrew… sorry rly jst needed it 2 fit…

28. “Smooch,” British-ly

30. A feminizing suffix that can be added to the end of 18

Down to make a new product regulated by the FDA

31. The Mormons like it dirty

33. Aware of

34. An error message when your code returns an undefined number

35. A female version of a hustler

36. Card game for liars and tattle tales

38. Who to call when the ROOF IS ON FIRE, but they would NEVER let that mofo burn

39. A tub activity, or a particularly vigorous moment of Mormon intimacy

41. See 40 Down

42. Adverbial negator

Down:

1. What I imagine our contraction would be for so not

2. Something you expect from a dear partner, or a network where you can watch the 1000-lb Sisters

3. Caesar’s way of describing the new subway fare

4. Where the slopes usually are, abrv.

5. A low score in soccer

6. What someone does when they send someone a corner of their face cause they’re emo, and they want the receiver to know, abrv.

7. First name of the artist who sued the Transformers guy

8. Anderson or Bentley

9. A command to a play on words to be jolly

10. Fourscore and seven years __

11. What I’m trying to have #LemmePURRRRR

12. .com, .net, and .edu

13. (··· - - - ···)

14. A cute way of referencing our new overlord, perhaps

15. Mama’s Too >>>> any other kind

17. Me when I begin to describe whom I tell all the gossip

18. An apparently manly long cylindrical object to shove in your mouth

26. Imminently

27. With boy or girl, a vaguely to not-so-vaguely sexual encouragement

29. An Aussie’s hello

30. A deadly sin that can leave you feeling green

32. A really terrible nickname for Siobhan

33. What Donald Trump might expect that one Bloomberg reporter to do (poor woman…)

35. A nickname for the largest sea-borne invasion in history that happens to rhyme with a nickname for this lovely (or terrible?) imminent holiday

36. One can be fuck-ass

37. ___ gun, maybe a fictional toy, or perhaps a means of making people cunty

38. One of these can come in a sans variety

40. With 41 Across, an individual who likes to cross socially constructed boundaries of love