December 2025

Volume XLIII • Issue 3 • December 2025

the Columbia's Only Newspaper That Uses Unionized Elf Labor

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Feditors-In-Chief Oliver Green Inica Kotasthane Managing Editors Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Head Submissions Editors Beau Gantz Livy Molko GENERAL BOARD Publisher Valerie Yum Arts Editors Isabella Palit Stella Turowsky-Ganci Head Copy Editor Clara Neilson-Papish Head Layout Editor Kamtoya Okeke Social Media Editor Reza Shayesteh Online Editor Kimberly Wing Games Editor Sophia Brown Social Chair & Minister of Mischief Sasha Maroulis Senior Advisor Dani Winkler STAFF Submissions Editors Madeline Basch Sophia Brown Oliver Green Sydney Kelble Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Zoe Silverman Reza Shayesteh Aron Shklar Anand Shukla-Parekh Dani Winkler Valerie Yum Copy Editors Michelle Barsoum Sophia Brown Divya Chaudhry 2

(Copy Editors cont.) Sydney Kelble Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno Sophia Mariano Ariel Mura Nicole Pi Julia Ryan Aron Shklar Emily Song Winston Vuong Valerie Yum Layout Editors Safa Al-Naser Michelle Barsoum Divya Chaudhry Liz Lewis Sophia Mariano Zach Morais Ariel Mura Julia Ryan Marina Senderos Alix Sivolella Iris Tang Joshua Thorne Staff Writers Andrew Barth Madeline Basch Sophia Brown James Coppersmith Olivia Feeney Sonia Freedman Beau Gantz Oliver Green Sydney Kelble Inica Kotasthane Helen Liang Elena Lukac Ava Lyon-Sereno Sophia Mariano Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Anna Rosenbloom Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Aron Shklar Anand Shukla-Parekh Zoe Silverman Matthias Pridgeon Nina Tekriwal Joshua Thorne Stella Turowsky-Ganci Kimberly Wing Dani Winkler Madelyn Xaysanasy Valerie Yum Staff Artists Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno Aron Shklar

Letter from the Feditors Dear Reader, Ho ho ho! Merry Fedmas! Happy Fedannukah! Happy Fedwanzaa! And Happy non-denominational wintertime Fedebration! We’re thrilled to present our final issue of the semester. Just as Whoville suffered under the tyranny of the Grinch, we at Columbia University toil under Claire and Laura. The Whos wrote to The Fed, telling us that they hope our tyrants, like the Grinch, may one day grow their hearts a couple sizes too. To really extend the metaphor, we rewrote their song… please cue the music. You are mean ones, Claire and Laura, Your rule is an ordeal, You’re as cuddly as a closed gate Student governance, you repeal, Claire and Laura! You are leaders that would make Machiavelli squeal. You are monsters, Claire and Laura, No hearts, just a QR Code. You’re higher-ed backsliders, Hoping Trump won’t take more dough, Claire and Laura! I wouldn’t touch you like a week-old Diana bowl. You are vile ones, Claire and Laura On your eighth Chat-GPT free trial. You ask for student feedback Then throw it in the trash pile, Claire and Laura! Given a choice between the three of you I’d take the miserable trash pile! You are foul ones, Claire and Laura, In free speech grades, your schools flunk. All your students miss Prez Beilock

Even PrezBo, though he stunk, Claire and Laura! The three words that best describe you are as follows (And I quote) “Chopped, unc, chunc!” You are rotters, Claire and Laura, You are queens of chaos, self-taught. No hearts, just girlbossing but botched With shit that you have wrought, Claire and Laura! Your souls are a crumbling scrap heap Overflowing with the most hypocritical assortment Of weak and spineless emails imaginable. We all know that you have been bought. You both frustrate me, Claire and Laura, Yeah I’m really at a loss, Our campus is under lock, key And The Man is your big boss, Claire and Laura! You’re a three-decker gasoline and rat Chef Mike’s sub With garbage juice sauce.

Anywayyyy we’d like to give a big end-of-semester thank you to our staff! We really appreciate all your hard work, hilarious jokes, and Partiful RSVPs. See you all again next year, Inica Kotasthane & Oliver Green Cover by Isabella Palit | Double truck by Stella Turowsky-Ganci

TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: To cut or not to cut PAGE 4: Saint Dr Pepper? PAGE 5: Manger à trois or something PAGE 6: In a bit of a reading slump :/ PAGE 7: We need cooking lesssons PAGE 8: Googleplex PAGE 9: Bubonic plague #trending PAGE 10: Sociology study PAGE 11: Follow these rules closely PAGE 14: Columbia needs YOU

PAGE 15: We all love Cane’s right? PAGE 16: Body positivity PAGE 17: Tree lighting upgrades PAGE 18: Hide and seek PAGE 19: Master spy PAGE 20: All I want for Christmas PAGE 21: Queue the carols PAGE 22: Check your emails PAGE 23: Every LinkedIn post ever Volume XLIII Issue 3

new to columbia: mobile ordering at chef mike’s

Cut or Uncut: Chef Mike’s Offers Exciting New Options By Joshua Thorne and Ava Lyon-Sereno

your sandwich, your way We know you guys care a lot about what you put inside your body. That’s why the team at Chef Mike’s is proud to announce a new feature for ordering both through the in-person sandwich line and our exciting new app: Cut or Uncut. Now, when you assemble your sandwich, you’re in charge. Whether or not your 12-inch sub features a nice, precise cut down its juicy center is entirely up to you! Some diners say the mouthfeel of a cut sandwich is better—after all, you can get right at the meat! Others prefer the entire sub intact, especially if they can fit the whole thing in their mouth. Some people

even like to take in their sandwich while it’s still in the paper—wrapped up, nice and snug, and protected from the elements. It’s important to remember that both cut and uncut sandwiches are perfectly normal! It’s okay to have a preference, but we don’t want people to get the idea that we’re endorsing sandwich cutting. We firmly believe that this is a personal decision that should be left up to the consumer of the sandwich, which is why we’ve chosen to make this choice explicit. So, come on down to Chef Mike’s to get the mouth-watering footlong of YOUR choice! Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Chef Mike’s App Adds New ‘Meet Your Meat’ Feature By Livy Molko and Oliver Green

veganism is a moral urgency! More than 400 Columbia students enter the hallowed halls of Chef Mike’s each day. And at least one of them has asked, “where does my ham come from?” Well, with the launch of Chef Mike’s order-ahead app, Columbia Dining is looking to expand their horizons on what technology can do for students and society alike. Starting next week, the Chef Mike’s app will unveil a new page where students can “Meet Their Meat.” As they select a protein option for their sandwich, they will be presented with an image, name, and a short profile for the animal they’re about to consume. The page will also include the animals’ pronouns, hobbies, any children they have/had (I guess they’re orphans now), and how much they meant December 2025

to their local agricultural communities. The Fed talked to one student who utilized the new feature as they received their daily sub. “Between these buns lie the remains of Daisy Loo the Turkey. She was an avid gardener and mother of two poults who will be missed for her ‘smile that lights up the coop!’” the student beamed while proudly holding up their sandwich. Due to the popularity of the “Meet Your Meat” feature, Chef Mike’s dedicated team of app developers are working to implement a live feed of prospective animals. Students will now be able to follow the meat process visually as their animal is transported from farm life directly to the slaughter house! FOOT(LONG)ER

3

holiday happenings

Hot New Catholic Lore! Jesus is in the JJ’s Drink Machine Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist Turning the Water into Cherry Dr. Pepper By Julia Ryan coca cola > pepsi Another mystery of faith solved! Through divine revelation, God has delivered to Pope Leo XIV new Catholic doctrine: the true second coming of Christ is inside those dining hall vending machines, within which Our Savior miraculously turns water into a delicious medley of beverages, including Orange Vanilla Hi-C and Lime Diet Coke. “Revelation is upon us,” cautioned the Pope, supping upon a Sprite

mixed with vanilla Barq’s Root Beer (and a splash of milk!). “Or this is the work of some new saint. Has anyone virtuous been crucified on a Freestyle machine recently?” Reports of the mysterious multiplication of fish sandwiches and the emergence of the stigmata left by students “greening out” on the couches in the back serve as further evidence of a heavenly presence in the vicinity. To those

in search of miracles, The Vatican recommends performing the sign of the cross on the touchable interface: the Father (Mr. Pibb), the Son (Coca-Cola), and the Holy (Minute Maid Zero Sugar) Spirit (Hi-C). Furthermore, Baptisms with Zero Sugar Rise Orange Vitaminwater will now be performed on Sundays during the closed dining hours (10am12pm).

CANCELED: Snowman Deemed ‘Too Cis’ By Madeline Basch

#woke

Following the first snowfall of the semester, Barnard students have called a petition for the removal of an alleged snowman under the pretense of it being “too heteronormative.” Our sources show the snow-person was seen with “corncob and a button nose and an unsettling male gaze,” and reportedly “embodied patriarchal systems.” The Change.org petition, titled “Freeze the Cistem”, has already garnered over 6,700 signatures. “We are not saying the snowperson can’t exist,” argued petition organizer Sally Shovelson, “we’re just

saying they shouldn’t take up that much space on the lawn without a land-acknowledgement declaration.” In response, Barnard College’s Office of Inclusive Climate Justice (OICJ) has issued a statement assuring its commitment to “melting the ice-ceiling.” Additionally, the office is imposing a hold on all registration requests if the new OICJ survey “Placid Prejudice” is not submitted. As of press time, the snowperson has melted – but their message remains on thin ice.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Santa Under Recent Fire for Union Busting By Olivia Feeney

where is santa’s publicist??

Santa Claus has recently been accused by United Elf Workers (UEW), one of the North Pole’s largest labor unions, of threatening to cut the wages and benefits of elves disseminating union related material in his workshop. While tensions have been rising due to stagnant wages despite inflation of the candy cane, the UEW’s final straw was Santa’s decision to hire a well known consulting firm previously used by Google and Amazon. The Federalist traveled to the headquarters of Santa’s workshop directly to gather statements from the elves on strike. “What do I think? He’s a crook! We are the backbone of this damn holiday and nobody recognizes 4

it! Santa gets to sit his ass in that cushy sleigh one day out of the whole year while we break our backs to bring these kids joy!” commented Toy Engineer, Jingle. One of the heads of the UEW, who wished to remain anonymous, noted that despite his long career in the business “this is the most blatant and ruthless act of union busting [he’s] ever seen in the history of the toy industry. What a shame.” Particularly enraged protestor, Snowdrop—a Joy Assurance Controller—criticized Mr. Claus for his callousness, despite the playful facade he has been carefully crafting. “He’s supposed to be this big generous guy, but DECEMBER BIRTHDAYS WHERE YOU AT

if that was the truth you’d think we’d own some of the means of production by now! I mean, at the rate we get paid I can’t even afford my after work cookies and milk! At least if they made the switch from candy canes to USD we might have some more stability in this economy.” The Federalist was also able to speak to Mr. Claus himself, who stated “I never realized a living wage was something elves cared so much about! I mean, what do they even buy, they’re at work for most of their waking hours? This whole situation has really been a pain in my ass. Do you realize how much money we have to put into revamping our image now?! What a PR nightmare!” Volume XLIII Issue 3

don’t be a scrooge

Fedvestigation: The NORAD Santa Tracker’s Long History of Deception and Dishonesty By Federalist Staff ooh santa’s on the naughty list

For decades, the NORAD Santa Tracker has embodied the transparency and honesty of the United States government. Initially, I believed that the tracker’s democratic access to modern military technology, used to follow a high-profile and secretive public figure, Santa Claus himself, proved that the government does anything but lie. However, I’ve recently completed an investigation into the NORAD Santa Tracker after discovering many small discrepancies that, when put together, point to a system of mass deception.

Last Christmas Eve, I made sure to do everything Santa liked: I set out a glass of milk and cookies near my fireplace, scattered reindeer feed around my driveway, and strung lights outside my home so there was no chance he would miss me. However, during my annual watch of NORAD’s live updates of Santa’s location, I realized how odd it was that Santa would never leave gifts for me when the tracker showed that he passed over my house. For the millions of deliveries Santa makes across the world, it makes absolutely

no sense that he would skip over some homes while delivering presents to others in the same neighborhood. That awful year, I stayed up all night, eyes glued to the screen, quickly losing hope. I felt my Christmas spirit fracture every time NORAD claimed that Santa flew above my house without delivering a gift, nor bellowing his staple “ho ho ho,” nor shaking any jingle bells. My world shattered that Christmas morning: a family friend uploaded photographs of Santa at my local mall, jolly and smiling for the camera, brave

enough to show face even after skipping my home repeatedly. The Santa I know would never do that. This is why I’ve come to the disturbing conclusion that the government isn’t as honest as we’ve all assumed. Admittedly, I’ve been disconnected from recent politics, but I’m confident that any recent news would pale in comparison to my discoveries regarding the corruption of the NORAD Santa Tracker. This “Santa” that the government claims to follow cannot be the same Santa from my childhood. I refuse to believe it.

Awkward! Columbia Limit of Two Overnight Guests Forces Third Wise Man to Wait in EC Lobby By Oliver Green justice for the third wheel

After dismounting from their camels and waiting in a gaggle of Barnard students, the three wise men finally reached the East Campus front desk. Fortunately, Joey, an EC resident, agreed to sign them in after they told him his situationship was giving birth to the messiah (he almost had a brief heart attack until Balthazar, one of the men, said the child wasn’t his, much to Joey’s relief). However, the front desk guard eyed the three wise men’s bulky rucksacks with suspicion. Taking this luggage as a sign they planned to stay the night, the security guard informed Joey that he could only have two overnight guests. “But sir,” the wise man Caspar protested. “We have traversed the vast desert to come here. We have witnessed the omen of the rising Star of Bethlehem, which signals the comDecember 2025

ing of the birth of the King of the Jews. Please let us pay homage to the messiah.” But the guard wouldn’t budge, so Melchior, the most selfless of the magi, agreed to wait in the lobby with some dejected Barnard stragglers while the other two accompanied Joey to witness the birth of Christ. Melchior was nonetheless irritated by the whole situation. “Not only did I come all this way for nothing, but the other two wise men swapped their lame-ass gifts for my gold to give to the baby Jesus,” Melchior told a Fed reporter. “Now I’m stuck here with all this frankincense and myrrh, looking like an idiot.” Fortunately, after getting JJ’s with a Barnard girl, Melchior told us his mood had improved: “Whoever made these quesadillas ought to be King of the Jews!”

CAN’T WAIT FOR WINTER BREAK #GETMEOUTOFHERE

Aron Shklar/Staff Artist 5

sweatshirt central

‘It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere’ Reads Sweatshirt of Girl Who Moved Here Three Months Ago By Inica Kotasthane concrete jungle wet dream tomato

Fran Splant, CC ‘29, was recently spotted wearing a sweatshirt with “It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere” printed on the back. The Fed verified this information with various third-party sources, including the barista at the 113th Street Blue Bottle, where Splant frequented that same morning. “Look, Fran is a close friend of mine and I grew up in Queens and I really have no problem with her wearing the sweatshirt,” divulged Splant’s friend, Kavi Gupta. “But, like, girl … you’re from Los Angeles. You lived there your whole life up until NSOP. I just don’t get why she’s trying to be someone she’s not. Especially considering she doesn’t even know how to

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor 6

navigate her way out of Manhattan without calling an Uber … but I don’t want to start any drama. Love ya, Fran!” The Fed spoke to linguistics expert Professor Eliza Booth about the implications of the phrase “It Will Always Be New York or Nowhere” in the context of Splant’s sweatshirt. “There are definitely some huge concerns I have,” Booth told us, “especially with the words ‘Always’ and ‘Nowhere.’ If it was ‘Always New York or Nowhere’ for this young woman, does she claim to have lived in a void up until she matriculated at Columbia? I would hardly call the bustling metropolitan area of Los Angeles nowhere.” Professor Booth also expressed unprompted worry for Splant’s mental health, saying, “Is she living in some delusion where New York City has been ‘calling’ her since she was a child? Does the entirety of her knowledge of the city come from Pinterest boards and the Sharpay spin-off movie? I hope she has a set of trusted family and friends that she can go to when she goes below 110th Street for the first time, because that kind of disillusionment has been known to kill. Not that I would know…” Splant denied a request to comment for this article.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Columbia Sweatshirt Store to Continue Selling Books By Matthias Pridgeon

Continuing their multiyear saga of controversial decisions, Columbia’s administration has recently announced that their famed merch store will, shockingly, continue to sell books. The store, which sprawls below the basement of Lerner Hall, is renowned for selling merchandise that is not only of a high caliber, but also for a low price. Favorite items include sweatshirts, women’s sweatshirts, sweaters, and, when the student body is feeling particularly adventurous, hooded sweatshirts (colloquially known as hoodies). Yet strangely, the administration apparently still feels the need to continue also selling books—a seemingly unprofitable side hustle. “To be honest, I didn’t even know we sell books,” said one sweatshop store cashier when asked for comment. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Other store employees showed similar shock at this announcement, with many

WHO EVEN READS ANYMORE

have they ever?

pronouncing that the only books they’d seen a student buy were the Sopranos and Sex in the City quote books that stand beside the cashiers. “I just hope that this isn’t depriving us of space for more merch options,” said one concerned student. “I was really hoping for Columbia to roll out some more blue sweatshirts—I just don’t feel like I can find a shade to match my vibes. Cerulean would be, like, a welcome addition.” Columbia told The Fed that their intention with this policy was more directed toward aesthetics than actual economic efficiency. Apparently, the campaign is intended to create a “dark academia vibe” within the bookstore. The Fed has sent several reporters to investigate whether the books are genuine texts or prop shelf fillers, but all have unfortunately become distracted by the bountiful racks of glorious Columbia sweatshirts before they could reach the shelves.

Volume XLIII Issue 3

safer inside the gates, they said

The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Number of Students Who Leave Building During Fourth False Fire Alarm in the Past Week Down by 90 Percent By Reza Shayesteh

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Public Safety Warns About the Dangers of ‘ICE ON MORNINGSIDE CAMPUS’

By Federalist Staff

dont get depor--i mean slip and fall!!

As of this morning, Columbia Safety has warned students about ICE on Columbia’s Morningside Campus. Students are advised to avoid their biting tactics such as tricking students in poorly lit places about their sure-footed status. Students must be careful of the slippery steps ICE uses to control campus such as positioning itself in front of Low but even in smaller walking areas, affecting all students. Administration has responded to criticism from students, arguing to students December 2025

that the university must support ICE’s tactics. Columbia University’s acting president, Claire Shipman, explained the University, “can’t control the weather,” and blamed bad weather, saying despite ICE’s attacks on students, ICE remained, “in line with our values.” Meanwhile, Barnard President Rosenbury, in her diary of intrusive thoughts— her Slack blog—compares ICE’s presence to a, “young woman who chose to dress inappropriately with no warm clothes in winter.” Tread carefully, students.

Carlton Arms Dormitory has been seeing a recent spike in false-alarm activation of the Fire Safety System due to what a Columbia Housing representative called a “better-safe-thansorry” approach to triggering the alarm. Some recent events that have triggered the alarm include a dryer doing a heavy-duty load successfully, someone turning on the stove “without giving it a verbal warning and rub-down in advance,” someone charging their phone and laptop at the same time, and two passionate young ladies creating too much friction in a dry room. The first fire alarm caused a commotion in the building. People were screaming, calling their moms crying, running down the stairs in a towel with shampoo still in their hair, and frantically repeating the Lord’s Prayer in a large circle outside the building. Everyone was relieved to find out it was a false alarm, and they went on with their lives. The next two times the alarm went off that week, attendance outside was similar if not a bit smaller, but the palpable panic had decreased. By the third alarm that week, blonde Carlton residents in the shower chose to finish rinsing the purple shampoo from their hair before coming downstairs. By the fourth, however, almost all residents chose to stay in their rooms. Approximately six residents came out: four CS majors who had come to enjoy

ALEXA PLAY HOT AND COLD BY KATY PERRY

hot off the press... haha

the daily social interaction and were disappointed that their new cool fire drill buddies weren’t there, and two RAs who were afraid of being fired. In an interview with The Fed, one Carlton resident ventured that she would “rather be burned alive than go outside one more fucking time. Nobody has time for that.” The Morningside Heights Fire Department has been similarly frustrated with the system. One firefighter said that he has “stopped checking the higher floors” because he’s “sick of walking up all those stairs.” The most recent alarm turned out to be a real fire, caused by one rule-breaking candle-haver. No one was injured, and thankfully, everyone who chose to stay inside was fine. When asked for comment about the fire, FDNY reported that the “fire” was mostly confined to the candle wick and that “it didn’t fucking spread.”

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor 7

wow so math

Report: Research for Five-Leg Korean Baseball Parlay the Most That Man Has Studied This Year By Oliver Green

wanna trade cards Columbia junior Hugh Jaddict has quite the reputation, but it certainly isn’t due to his work ethic. That’s why his appearance in the Butler main silent reading room late last Saturday night naturally caused quite the stir around campus. He had never been seen in a library before, so why was he suddenly studying in a panic? Rumors quickly began circulating that Jaddict must have received a failing grade on one of his midterms, gotten caught turning in a 10-page paper written entirely by Chat-GPT, or been put on academic probation. Though Jaddict confirmed these were all true, he decided to disclose the real motivation for his sudden lock-in to our Fed investigative team. “I’ve already blown nearly all of my $200 in bonus bets on NBA games today,” Jaddict said. “The only path back to profitability for me is to use my Deposit Match promo and hit on a calm five-legger.” He proceeded to open his computer to show what he’d been working on: an enormous Excel spreadsheet containing advanced

statistical data for hundreds of players in the Korean Baseball League. “The games start at 4 AM Eastern Standard time,” Jaddict told us. “So basically, I’ve got a couple more hours to get this five-leg parlay exactly right.” Jaddict informed our team that he refuses to use Chat-GPT for such a task, shockingly claiming: “It just can’t ever replicate human skill.” He reported that he had already settled on a couple of legs for his bet, including Koo Ja-wook over 0.5 home runs and Park Yeong-hyun under 6.5 strikeouts. Jaddict insisted these were “locks” and that his bet was “basically free money.” Our reporters didn’t stick around to see the end result of Jaddict’s research because they went to sleep like normal people. They left him as he wheeled in a chalkboard and began sketching out a complex Bayesian statistical equation to determine his fourth leg. The Fed sends our best wishes to Jaddict, who told us this would be a “big win” that would finally put him “only $600 in the red.”

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Other Funny Numbers We Could Do By Julia Ryan

hehe

• 68 • 41 • 39 • 2001 • 2904 • 30948 • log2 • 10e4 • √2 • lg2 • ln2 Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist 8

PLEASE KEEP YOUR TINY DOG LEASHED

Volume XLIII Issue 3

quarantine ‘em

A Letter to The Man in Butler With The Wack-Ass, Foul, Hateful, Ghastly Cough By Livy Molko

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

dear sir, i hope this letter finds you in good health

Dear Mister, I hope you are having a good study session…at the expense of everyone else in this god-forsaken library. YOU, my good sir, are evidently infectious. You are also clearly in great pain each time you release a wailing bark out of the twisted cavities of your chest, and for that I am sorry. However, I would kindly like to request that you immediately depart from Butler Library, before you destroy the structural integrity of the centuries-old building. There is a bass tone reverberating through the floor. Ripples have begun to break on the surface of my water

cup. The stained glass windows are quivering in desperation. Sir, I would like to formally diagnose you with Tuberculosis. The whole room feels as if it is coughing: the whole damn building is crumbling. Please, for heaven’s sake, end this madness! Where did you get this cough? The Middle Ages? Where do you think you are? The Flu Farm? Seek medical attention at once! Don’t hesitate. And while you’re at it, please get that mole on the back of your neck checked out too. It doesn’t look right. With only the greatest concern for your well-being, The Pretty Girl Sitting Next To You

Philadelphian Columbia Student Decries ‘Lack Of Football Culture’ By Winston Vuong and Aron Shklar like, american football?

A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock by what he cited as the lack of “real football culture” on campus throughout his first semester. In our interview, the student, who begged for anonymity in order to “not bring shame to my family jawn,” explained that he had been completely unprepared for the cultural shock of moving from the football-crazed city of Philadelphia to the decidedly less football-passionate Columbia campus. The distressing situation began before the Lions’ first home game as he made gameday preparations that truly reflected his Philadelphian traditions, such as tailgating outside the stadium and painting his entire body in Columbia Blue. Sadly, upon entering the sparsely populated stadium while double-fisting cheesesteaks, it quickly dawned upon him that not everyone December 2025

shared the same level of passion. With each football game attended, his panic over the lack of culture intensified. “I feel like I’m the only one who bothers to REALLY dress up for the games! Back home, I never had this problem. I’d show up to Eagles games wearing a coat made out of endangered bald eagle feathers, and I’d be the talk of the town. But here, when I show up wearing the coat of one of the last African lions that I hunted, skinned, and dyed blue all by myself, people just react with horror and tell me I’m an ‘abhorrent human being’ instead of being impressed!” During his interview with The Fed, the student, who has now been shunned into anonymity, recalls the hostility he faced upon shouting, “Go Lions, dickhead!” on his way to Wien Stadium. He said, “All I did was offer a friendly greeting, and they looked at me like I just killed a jawn. It’s just part of my culture, like wooder ice.” The final nail in the coffin came with the season’s third home game. “How are we on our third PLEASE CONTAMINATE ELSEWHERE

home game of the season, and no one’s thrown hands! This jawn doesn’t even hava jail cell! This shit’s wack…just wack man,” he concluded, ending with a slew of Philadelphian obscenities that The Fed is loath to publish.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor 9

worst entrance ever

Fedvestigation: Lerner Revolving Door Brings Out the Worst in Humanity By Inica Kotasthane

what evil mastermind designed lerner anyways? In a new report coming out from the Columbia Economics Department, Professor Monet Talks demonstrates that the Lerner revolving door on 115th Street is a site of the prisoner’s dilemma, a cornerstone of game theory. “The set-up is elementary, as any patron of the revolving door knows,” Professor Talks told The Fed. “Individual A entering Lerner and Individual B exiting Lerner each have an option: they can either follow the 1:1 enter/exit pattern or they can disrupt the pattern and unleash a free-for-all scenario with dangerous implications.” Over the course of three months, Professor Talks observed people navigating the revolving door, noting the various interactions that occurred as they passed through. She found the instances when lines had formed on both sides were “especially enlightening” in regards to understanding the economic basis for decisions people

make in public spaces. “When people follow the pattern of one person entering and one person exiting, the entire process moves very smoothly,” she said. “However, when someone in Line A breaks this pattern, Line B becomes completely disadvantaged. It becomes close to impossible to prevent the flood of Line A through the revolving door while Line B waits helplessly for an authority to reestablish equilibrium, typically an Allied Universal guard who couldn’t care less. The fragile trust that was built between these two lines is broken, and we enter a kind of Lordof-the-Flies state of chaos, confusion, and occasionally, violence.” The Fed has independently determined that there have been three incidents as a result of Lerner revolving door altercations that have warranted CPR. Professor Talks told The Fed about one “particularly disturbing” observation, in which a student had swiped to

enter the revolving door, but another individual decided to exit through it at the same time. “The first student had had her swipe wasted and was unable to tap in again to enter. All the other person could offer her was a shrug of sympathy.” Professor Talks sniffled before continuing, “This poor student was forced to use the Columbia main gates. I can think of no worse fate. Ev-

Night at the Milstein

ery day I regret not doing anything to stop that terrible incident from happening. I hope she’s doing alright.” Professor Talks is currently developing a curriculum based off of her research for the class [ECON-BC3210] Revolving Door Dynamics and the Collapse of Civilization being taught next spring. Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

By Zoe Silverman

almost as scary as 5th floor butler after midnight As a child, I interpreted the novel “From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler” as my Bible and studied the “Night at the Museum” movie as if they were my Ten Commandments. I longed to live as a secret fugitive within the museum walls, even if just for a night. I spent my elementary school days dreaming of the secrets I would unlock when left in a national treasure alone overnight. I knew my destiny would be fulfilled after I got into Barnard; these four years in New York were my chance to live out my legacy. However, the strict security regime at the Met anticipated my arrival, and the Museum of Natural History sent me several emails warning me not to “set foot in their prestigious institution, let alone think [my] grubby little hands and untrained sleuthing skills could ever pull off a Night at the Museum-style ruse.” I was deterred, and I gave up for a brief period of time. However, the unnecessary call from MoMA informing me “Van Gogh himself was spitting on me and my ancestors from beyond the grave for even considering a sleepover under his Starry Night,” really pushed my buttons. I needed to 10

ignore the hate; I couldn’t give up. I set my plan in motion, and three years of preparation are about to come to fruition. As a senior, this is my last chance to pull off the greatest museum sleepover yet. I will be spending the entirety of winter break inside Milstein. I know what you’re thinking, “You’re insane! They close the library over winter break. How will you ever pull this off?!” Well, my friend, I have a foolproof plan, so good that I refused to sell it to the Louvre heist robbers for 1 million euros. In my Reese’s Pieces king-sized snack costume, I will be living off the water in my camel backpack and my neighboring treats while hiding INSIDE the vending machine in the Milstein basement for the first two days of break. When the maintenance staff leaves, my fun will begin. I will spend the weeks of winter break reading every single zine in the library. Not even bothering to keep the valuable zines in their temperature-controlled room. I will make my own sushi at the Milstein sushi bar with unlimited toppings. I will blast Nettspend from every computer in the computer lounge at the FOOLPROOF PLAN!

same time. I will use the film equipment to recreate “It’s Every Day Bro” by Team Ten in its entirety as a one-man show. And the whole thing will be uploaded to my YouTube channel collab with Mr Beast. Stay tuned, Barnard, things are about to get pretty fucking magical, Night at the Museum style. Suck on that Van Gogh!

Volume XLIII Issue 3

something funny

Fed Contracts: How to A Warm Welcome: Columbia Rebrands Security as Greeting Committee Be Friends with Your Ex ByCampus Clara Neilson-Papish & Sophia Brown

By Sophia Brown & Valerie Yum this has a 100% success rate!

about time... “Welcome to campus!” they say with a about. We didn’t even spend any money smile, taking off your coat as they roll out on this change—the guards took it upon I _______________________ do hereby agree the red carpet. One member of the com- themselves to do the rest. And look at to be friends with __________________________. mittee brings you a hot cup of coffee while the results—the students are thrilled! It’s another throws themself on the ground to amazing what a little initiative with zero worship at your feet. Ever since Columbia commitment to increased spending can In signing this document, each friend agrees: 1. I hold some amount of respect for my friend. I sup- renamed the Allied Security Guards to the accomplish.” port (him/her) in most things, and if (he/she/they) Greeting Committee, student satisfaction asks, I will be there for (him/her/them/it) in whatever has soared to unprecedented rates. Recent polls show 90% of students report increased ways I can, as (his/her/their/its/eir) friend–as long as feelings of superiority and haughtiness on it is convenient for me. campus. In an interview with The Fed, one 2. I will not harbor unexpressed grievances against my student remarks, “Before the rename, it friend. I will voice them, probably publicly, if and used to just feel like any other college camwhenever possible. pus. Now, it finally feels like home.” 3. I will briefly nod at my friend whenever I pass (him/ When asked what prompted this sudher/them/it/em) on the street, but only when I deem den change, an anonymous Columbia administrator explained, “Opening the gates? that (she/they/it/ey/en) looks pretty. 4. I will aspire to avoid any unexpected advances on my No, no, no, that simply would not have Isabella Palit/Staff Artist friend, nor will I encourage any advances made upon been feasible. Rebranding is what it’s all me by said friend.* 5. I will solely utilize metaphors, analogies, and idioms when communicating my emotions to my friend so that we may avoid expressing awkward emotions or accidentally revealing that we still have feelings for one another. 6. I will give my friend at most a hug, if or when (he/ By Beau Gantz who knew??! she/they/it/ey/en/ze) asks and receives consent for In a shocking divulgence this Saturday, said hug.* a man wearing exclusively clothing branded *This rule does not apply when either party is intoxicated. with the Columbia Wrestling logo revealed that he indeed wrestles for Columbia. “I’m x _____________________________________ actually on the wrestling team,” said freshEx-Turned-Friend One man Matt Slammer, solving the mystery bex _____________________________________ hind why he was sporting so much of the Ex-Turned-Friend Two team’s merch.

Man Wearing Head-to-Toe Columbia Wrestling Apparel Reveals He Wrestles for Columbia

Isabella Palit/Staff Artist December 2025

“I was trying to get a read on this guy,” said passerby Ken Fughst, “he’s a 5’10” guy with a crew cut. He’s wearing a Columbia Wrestling Sweatshirt and Columbia wrestling sweatpants, which are tucked into his socks. He’s carrying a shaker bottle and he’s the single most muscular man I’ve ever seen. What’s his deal?” Fughst was thankful that Slammer disclosed this vital piece of information. “Thank God, I could not for the life of me figure out what his extracurriculars were. Glad that’s settled.” Fughst has now set his sights on determining what after-school activities a geek with a Spec sweatshirt might be involved in.

JOIN THE WOMEN’S WRESTLING TEAM!

Aron Shklar/Staff Artist 11

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

12

Volume XLIII Issue 3

December 2025

13

where is the love?

Help! Barnard Sophomore Remembers That Misogynistic Women Still Real By Sophia Brown, Valerie Yum and Katelin Cavens

make women on women love not hate ‘Twas the night before my midterm, when all through the floor The athletes were stirring, those terrible whores. Their mouths pierced the restful reading room with flair, In hopes that one and all would give them the stare; The blabbermouths were rapt, all verbose in their seats; With visions of fruzz and amorous deceits; And I in my earplugs, and they in their team gear, Had just settled in for a long night, it did seem clear. When into my ear there snuck such a story, I popped out a plug to better hear the oratory. Halfway through their convo, I started to detect Women hating women, all but unchecked! Comments on the breasts of newly enrolled students, Gave a wave of displeasure to me in a true sense. When what to my wandering eyes did appear, But an opened Instagram profile and four distinct sneers. Cruel, sexist juniors so hurtful and sadistic, I knew in a moment they were misogynistic. More callous than clever, their reproaches they came, And they criticized, and shouted, and used first and last name: “What a slut! What a tramp! And face only a mother could adore!” “On God! Cause on what planet would that be an impressive score!” “From the tits! to the ass!” “Everything about her is simply subclass!” As conversations go eavesdropped on Morningside campus, 14

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist

When I overheard that auditory assault, I could hardly withstand this; So on to the team rosters I went, With a head full of plots to make them repent. And then, in a second, I had in my power The method and means to make them truly cower. Using the student directory— thank God it exists, I began to sign them up for every possible email list! Reverse mortgages and Jehovah’s Witnesses galore, And I even found a registration for veterans of the Vietnam War! From my steadfast locked-inness, this effort most certainly did detract But I had to ensure those muscular morons were thoroughly attacked. My mind—how it raged! their faces, too cheery! I started to contemplate forcibly removing them from this library… I quickly exclaimed, ere I should lose my might— “I don’t give a fuck you’re all ripped, let’s go outside and fight!”

University Proudly Announces Tuition Increase to Fund More Emails About Tuition Increases By Vanessa Wilson

cost of raising tuition is too damn high In a bold display of transparency, Columbia University announced that next year’s tuition hike will go directly toward producing more high-quality emails informing students about said tuition hike. The announcement came in a six-paragraph email sent at 4:12 AM, titled “Important Update About Your Columbia Experience™.” Students were reportedly so confused by the phrasing that many assumed it was spam. “It was formatted exactly like a phishing attempt,” said Ellie Attachments, CC ’27. “But then I realised, this is phishing, just legally.” According to the Office of Communications, the funds will be allocated toward improving the “email experience.” Planned investments include: • A new AI-powered system that automatically sends apology emails from “The Columbia Community” every time the Wi-Fi collapses. • A student-engagement team dedicated to finding fresh synonyms for “increasing costs.” • A personalized font for tuition updates called “Sans Affordability.” A new signature with more extravagant loops and tails designed by the Campus Calligrapher in Residency for President Shipman’s sign off. “We understand that affordability is a concern,” said a University Spokesperson. “That’s why we’ve invested in a brand-new initiative to email you about how concerned we are. Concern is expensive.” The administration defended their decision, noting that communi-

WATCH OUT WOMEN!

cation is a core value of the university “We want students to feel connected,” a spokesperson added, “especially to the idea of financial instability.” Rumours suggest the next tuition increase will fund an interactive “Virtual Financial Aid Portal” where students can spin a digital wheel labeled “Maybe Next Semester.” Others claim a portion of the money will go toward hiring a full-time employee to ensure every email begins with “Dear Columbia Community” and ends with “Best, Facilities.” Faculty have mixed feelings. “I get more emails about tuition than about my own class schedule,” said one professor. “Sometimes I reply ‘unsubscribe’ just to feel something.” At press time, Columbia sent another email titled “Your Voice Matters!” It included a short survey asking students how they feel about the tuition increase. All responses, regardless of content, reportedly redirected to a thank-you page reading: “We appreciate your continued investment in your Columbia education.”

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Staff Artist Volume XLIII Issue 3

need that cane’s seed funding

Claire Shipman to Rent Out Columbia Freshmen Butler Architrave to Big Cor- Construct Trojan Horse porations for Extra Funding Outside Broadway Gates By Matthias Pridgeon

By Sylvia Lipsyte

unrelated news: columbia just received a gift horse!

jumbotron coming soon... We all know the infamous Butler Library architrave—engraved with the names of dead, white dudes who chiseled the literary canon and the “examination of the human condition” into what it is today, spewing earth-shattering bars like, “know thyself.” These men are the reason we have 200-person Intro to Philosophy courses where that one dude in the first row acts like he gets a dollar every time he says “paradoxical.” These notorious thinkers comprise the basis of every performative man’s Goodreads, make their way into every Classics professor’s sexual fantasy, and end up in every Core student’s burn book. This iconic frieze on Columbia’s most dreaded and revered building, however, has recently been sanded down with the intention of renting it out as advertising space to multi-million-dollar companies, clearly as a last-ditch effort to revive the University’s frail finances. Chris P. Chickin, founder and CEO of Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers, said, “Gosh, I’m just honored to be seen alongside my predecessors and thrilled to finally be recognized as one of the greats.” Other companies soon to be featured include Celsius, Tesla, OpenAI, DoorDash, and Tito’s. Claire Shipman is optimistic that this initiative will not only make up for

lost funds, but also be beneficial to the Columbia community. “I’m worried that not enough students are parlaying their business and economics degrees into entry level consulting jobs at massive corporations,” Shipman said. “With this undeniable triumph of corporate America, I know we can change that! Besides, I’m sick of people saying literature is a dying art. Let’s just make it a dead one!” After a long week of mind-numbing construction at Columbia’s hottest library (during midterms, of course), the project is finally complete and the grand unveiling will take place instead of the beloved annual tree-lighting ceremony because Shipman “didn’t know that was a thing.”

Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

Following their mandated reading of the Sparknotes for Homer’s Iliad in their LitHum classes, several freshmen have found some modern thematic resonance that was most certainly not on the administration’s approved thought list. In a move apparently protesting the continued gate closure here at Columbia, students constructed in one manic night a three-story wooden horse that now ominously stands at the 116th and Broadway gates, already collecting excessive amounts of pigeon droppings. “We have a gift for Claire Shipman,” proclaimed one student leader, Jonathan, son of John, slayer of exams. “The agitators have accepted defeat and offer this horse as tribute, to stand between Alma Mater and the oddly-phallic fountains as a symbol of the dominance of President Shipman, fiancé of soccer player and squasher of

resistance.” When The Fed reported to the scene, public safety appeared to be making a careful inspection of the wooden horse by repeatedly demanding for it to scan an ID. Other leaders of the student group are working hard to dissuade beliefs that the horse might be something more than decorative. “I assure you,” stated Bailey, daughter of Bryan, conqueror of five coffees a day. “There is no basis for the rumors that the horse might carry protestors, guests without QR codes, or burly Greek men within.” Though there has not yet been an official response from the University’s president or administration, it is rumored that Barnard President Rosenbury has offered to fight a chosen champion of the freshmen in nude single combat to determine the fate of this horse and possibly the policy on gate closure itself.

Ferris Presents ‘The VIP Dining Experience’ By Federalist Staff premium members will receive real food!

Can’t bear the lunchtime chaos? Skip the line and buy a table instead! Inspired by the hottest NYC clubs, Ferris now offers advance table reservations for you and up to five of your closest acquaintances (or most tolerable classmates). Your package includes: • Personalized table service (from someone who definitely loves their job). • Elegant plastic seating. • A mandatory 25% gratuity—because you can’t put a price on class, but we did. All this for just 150 Flex Dollars per person—food and drink not included. Feast on gargantuan turkey legs, December 2025

impossibly dense chocolate cake, and scrambled eggs with that Ferris-style signature hint of rubber. Student testimonials: “The table service really elevates the experience of waiting forty minutes for beige pasta.” “Finally, a place where I can experience both class stratification and indigestion.” “The Ferris VIP section is the closest I’ve felt to God— mostly because it’s on the second floor.” Book your magical experience now at: ferris.table\ booknow-wewanturmoney\ .cudining.edu Sponsored by Coca-Cola Freestyle™, Paul’s Baby Grand, and The Columbia Investment Management Company—because your tuition dollars weren’t quite enough. HI ITS THE HORSE LET ME IN

Isabella Palit/Staff Artist 15

politics from new york...

Bare Beret? Curtis Sliwa To Become Nude Art Model

By Sylvia Moores, Winston Vuong, and Aron Shklar

sexy sliwa Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican nominee and local icon Curtis Sliwa has announced his next venture: serving as a nude model for Columbia University art classes, beret and all. “I am a man of truth and transparency,” Sliwa told journalists as he wolfed down a saltless egg-and-cheese on a roll. “For too long, our mayors have barricaded themselves behind closed doors. But I, for one, will not sit back while Commie Mamdani basks fully clothed in his Commie Corruption.” He noted that Mamdani’s new-wave socialism differs greatly from the triedand-true vigilantism that has granted him his infamous physique. Some would argue that vigilantism is the only real way to get any real change (and abs) around these parts, no? Sliwa views his newest endeavor as nothing short of a public service: “I was shot five

times in the back of a yellow cab by the Gottis and Gambino Crime Family, and I’ve still got both bean bags! I gotta remind these kids about what New York men used to look like back in the golden days.” CU students participating in the figure drawing workshops expressed excitement at the prospect of such an esteemed subject. “He’s got great anatomy,” a student remarked, “there’s like… so much wisdom carved into his face… like you know he’s been through shit.” Another student noted that the “deep crimson of his beret contrasts greatly with the pale, milk-like tone of his skin, just like one of Michelangelo’s subjects.” The department hopes to make Sliwa a regular fixture in figure drawing workshops. “Public service has long been immortalized in artistic works, and it’s an honor to continue that legacy.” Hey, he may not have dropped out, but at least he’s dropping his drawers.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist 16

Federalist Staff/Staff Artist

Trump Deems American Flag ‘Not Sexy Enough,’ Replaces Fifty Stars With Nipples

By Federalist Staff

united states of areolas In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning of the nation made by the Trump Administration, President Donald Trump has announced a modification to the fifty-star American flag, which has been used since 1960. At an emergency press conference this Wednesday, Trump expressed his grievances with the appearance of the flag in a long-winded, rambling speech. “You know the flag—it’s the flag for the greatest country in the world by the way, America. It’s got colors, great colors: red, white, and blue. But, you know, there’s also some problems with it,” said Trump. “People are saying, and I’ve always said, ‘It’s not sexy, it’s not hot,’ and I know about sexy, just think of my beautiful daughter… We need to make America sexy again. So, I’ve decided, let’s start with the flag.” The president then pulled a cord and the curtain behind him fell, revealing a version of the American flag with all fifty stars replaced with hyper-realistic nipples, most of them pinkish. An audible gasp rippled through the crowd as camera shutters flashed. The president went quiet as he stared at the newly unveiled flag, seemingly a little dazed, transfixed by his creation.

MAKE AMERICA NAKED AGAIN 2025

After a beat, he pointed at a singular brown nipple at the top right corner of the flag before stating, “And some of these women, very beautiful women of many colors, they have brown nipples. I put one here because I am the greatest ally to beautiful women with beautiful brown nipples. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you that I am the least racist person ever because I love breasts of all colors and shapes and sizes unless they are too old or came here illegally. Illegal brown nipples are not sexy, not beautiful.” Soon after, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded to questions regarding the logistics of this perky change with prompt, curt answers. A Fed reporter asked how exactly President Trump planned to produce and disseminate these new flags, and where the money to do so would come from. Leavitt responded, “Why the fuck should I tell you? But, since you asked, this is why we cut SNAP.” It is currently unclear whether President Trump has the authority to execute this change. It is now one of many boundary- (and bra-) pushing aims of his administration, which may or may not be upheld by the Supreme Court. Volume XLIII Issue 3

...to, like, other places

Claire Shipman Announces New Constitution Lighting Ceremony By Beau Gantz

‘tis the season

After rows of College Walk trees were torn down last semester, the fate of Columbia’s annual tree-lighting ceremony has been uncertain. That is, until Interim President Shipman announced a new tradition to replace the tree lighting—the first annual Columbia University Constitution Lighting Ceremony. Students are invited to come to College Walk to watch hundreds of copies of the Constitution be lit aflame. “This is a celebration of what makes Columbia so special,” Shipman said in the announcement, “our blatant disregard for precedented liberties that other universities seem to care so much about.” The administration intends to play a “highlight reel” of some of the greatest moments of defiance to the Constitution.

Among these instances are Columbia and Barnard getting coming in dead last and second dead last in in the college free speech rankings, Columbia’s complacency in the face of unconstitutionally kidnapped students, and the hefty donations we’ve made to a President who said he did not know whether or not he had to uphold the Constitution. Shipman is scheduled to lead a guided breathing exercise during the ceremony, in which students will raise their flaming Constitutions high in the air, visualize all their rights and liberties that they hold dear, and let them all crumble into ash. Hot chocolate will be available to those with a valid CUID.

Fedvestigation: Zohran Mamdani Isn’t Who You Think He Is By Daksh Badri

the person behind the mask... On election night, New Yorkers rejoiced in the victory of Democratic candidate Zohran Mamdani as the city’s next mayor-elect. After the terror of Andrew Cuomo’s gubernatorial reign and former mayor Eric Adams’ controversies—which came to light from a Sabrina Carpenter music video—Mamdani’s win represents, in his words, the toppling of a “political dynasty.” Many of our Federalist staff attended Mamdani’s victory speech with the intention of getting Mamdani’s autograph (or his socks) to sell on eBay. However, while our reporters waited outside his dressing room, they overheard a voice on the other side of the door. “It kinda sounded like an out-of-breath donkey,” one of our Fed staff said. “As soon as I heard the voice, I felt a chill go down my spine. It sounded oddly familiar.” The mysterious voice reportedly said, “God, this was difficult, but I did it. Pretending December 2025

to care about others was exhausting. Do you know how hard it is to smile for eight hours straight every single day? I probably need, what’s that word, empathy? Gross. Anyway, I’m glad the campaign’s over. Now I can keep laundering money from those hair transplant surgeons in Turkey.” To get to the bottom of the mystery, our staff leaned their heads into the ajar door to look inside. They saw none other than Eric Adams grinning ear-to-ear, harping about the new woman he met on Hinge, while a prosthetic mask of Mamdani lay flat on the floor. The Fed regrets to report that “Zohran Mamdani” was never real. Rather, the entire Mamdani campaign was just Adams’ latest vanity stunt to prove he can outsmart a city he barely understands. Instead, he just proved that the mask looks better than what’s underneath (seriously, he needs a skincare routine… yikes). MAMDANI = MOMMY

Oliver Green/Feditor-in-Chief

Mamdani to Hire Sliwa and Cuomo as NYC’s Uncles By Sophia Mariano

from our dad’s side of the family In a move intended to provide jobs to those most in need, mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has announced that he will be hiring Republican nominee Curtis Sliwa as the city’s Crazy Uncle, and Andrew Cuomo as the city’s Creepy Uncle. While not entirely clear about the positions, Mamdani’s advisor claimed that Sliwa will “be allowed to attend New Yorkers’ Passover, Ramadan, and even Christmas celebrations as that member of the family who says some weird shit sometimes but you otherwise have a good laugh with.” Meanwhile, Cuomo will be “banned from all parties and made to sit in the time-out corner for being bad.” “Hey, even Weird Uncles like us need some cash,” Sliwa said in a press conference. “I sure as hell still need to pay off my medical bills from being shot five times back in ‘94.” Cuomo, meanwhile, refused to comment but was seen eating a slice of cake in the corner of Grace Mansion while being forced to watch Mamdani’s campaign ads. 17

anything is a haiku if you’re brave enough

LeFrak Center’s Build-A-Vagina Workshop Sparks Calls for Gender Equality, Columbia Announces ‘Dodge Dick Day’ By Federalist Staff byod After the Barnard Wellness Spot announced its November event, “Claytastic! Build-A-Vagina,” the male Columbia community was quick to erupt in outrage. “This is so fucking unfair,” CC sophomore Richard Johnson told us. “I want to be able to build genitalia out of clay, but I’m being unfairly restricted because of my gender. Just onve example of the everyday discrimination men face in our modern age.” For once, Columbia was quick to address student concerns. This morning, Dodge Fitness Center announced its own event, “Dodge Dick Day,” occurring at the same time as the original event. This event will encourage male-identifying students

to get in touch with their manhood and explore their anatomy by building enormous clay penis sculptures in the Blue Gym. Students are encouraged to harshly judge the sizes of each other’s sculptures, and are invited to bring in multicolored pipe cleaners to decorate the base. The Fed interviewed Richard Johnson again after the event was announced. “Let’s fucking go!” Richard told us. We tried to ask him some further questions, but he was too busy dapping up his friends. Believe us, we’re as excited as the next guy about this. However, The Fed is legally required to include a disclaimer: these phalluses are not AT ALL anatomically correct or even remotely proportional.

Forgot to Register Your Mom as a Guest? Here’s How to Evade Public Safety

Federalist Staff/Staff Artist

Behind the Line: A Haiku Dedicated to the Employees of JJ’s

By Cassie Brooks

first time?

Dining in tonight? Hey! You deaf son of a bitch! Stay behind the line!!!

By Federalist Staff

bolo: three unregistered guests in a trenchcoat It’s no secret that Columbia security has a stick up their ass. If you’re a resident of New York trying to bring your baby onto campus to touch some grass, or a lovergirl always forgetting to register her boyfriend from the purple school—I mean, NYU—that’s not gonna fly. Here’s a list of ways to get around that: 1. The Aritzia Superpuff: You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it. Stood there in that glass display window, a winter coat that would put all the geese in Canada to SHAME. We’ve calculated that just one of these coats can fit you and all of your sneaky links, and I mean all of them. Yeah. That many. 2. Trojan Horse: Columbia University is comparable to the city of Troy, and its ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing is a Trojan Horse. You, your husband, and your three dogs can all hide in this ten foot tall Greek-inspired wooden structure designed specifically to piss off public safety. 3. Pouf hairstyle: The bigger the hair, the closer to God. Whether it’s a 1950s beehive 18

or 2000s pouf, Big Hair is BACK, baby, and this time it’s here to assist you in bringing your friends onto campus. Not only does this method allow for care-free frolicking on Butler lawn, but you would also be repping The Fed’s favorite musician and philanthropist: Dolly Parton <3333 4. Lion Dance: If you’ve ever been in Butler Library for a grind session on Wednesday or Sunday, then you’ll know those walls aren’t soundproof to Columbia’s Lion Dance troop. This vivacious group of cultural reenactors harbor more than just the adorable lions that prance around shaking their butts to drumbeats and gongs: they are the proud owners of approximately a dozen lion heads, each equipped with four cubic feet of empty space perfect for your entire family. 5. Jumping the gate: If all else fails, you could always just jump the gate and see if you can run faster than an out-of-shape Apex security guard. JJ’S IS SCARY

Dani Winkler and Reza Shayesteh/Staff Writers Volume XLIII Issue 3

The Confession of a Bibliophile

my strange addiction:

By Eve Rosenblum

shall i compare thee to an e-reader? To the room that occupies my reveries, On the 6th floor of Butler, not too far to the East or too far to the West, there’s a study room more special than all of the rest. 601, or Little Main, is long and bright. From the windows that line the Northern wall, one can see all of campus: from the sunset above Low to the torrential rain for the 7th weekend in a row. Forgive me, but I fear I have been superficial. I entreat you, please, to allow me to contemplate your core. In addition to 601’s visual endowments, you are the heart of this university’s sceniest, sweatiest personage. Spin to win, like a prize wheel, a visit inside your illustrious walls will reveal a meeting with at least one of a rotating cast of BNOCs. Sporting an Oren’s matcha or dining hall black coffee, these campus characters are Columbia’s most pretentious force to be reckoned with: academic weapons and library socialites. They make your hallowed halls a home, working through a stack of books taller than a small child—yet seemingly never making progress. These A-listers study with the vigor and vim that Kim Kardashian eats a salad at Urth Cafe, never

forgetting their presence in the panopticon of observation. If you have any doubt of your virtue, compare yourself to the other rooms in Butler’s dwellings. 303 and 401 are silent, 209 is a zoo. Like an Aristotelian virtue, your tenderness lies in your residency at the mean of loud and silent. All members of your inner chamber are free to be gregarious. A greeting to a distant friend, a heated debate, or a question for a crush, no conversation is off limits. Yet, a mutual alliance ensures the room will soon return to silence. 601ers appreciate their breaks and love their study. Some have said, my love, you are the epitome of what this university can achieve. My dear, in your great humility, do you overlook your lengthy list of suitors? Few Butler rooms can boast such consistency in circulation. The more you go, the more one becomes entrapped in your gaze. Three days away from this dynamic place, I find myself in withdrawal. Yet, every time, upon return, how happy am I to be reunited with my 601. Sapere aude, Your most loyal guest

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

You Unsuspecting Fools: I Wore Lenseless Glasses All Day and Nobody Noticed By Livy Molko

a threat, and a promise When I found a pair of wireframed glasses on the floor of JJ’s last Thursday night, I knew I was about to deceive you bitches. When I pressed my thumb against those curved lenses and they popped out as easy as pie, it felt like fate had kissed me on the forehead. I would be the man I’ve always wanted to be: a man with obvious intelligence, tasteful carelessness, and mousy bookishness. I’d be the man with wire-framed glasses. I went straight home, slipped into my wool sweater, laced a striped scarf around my neck, and tied a piece of twine around my stack of well-worn December 2025

hardcover books. As I slid the metal bridge of the glasses over my nose, a shiver ran down my spine. I looked myself in the mirror and declared, “You’re the man.” As I walked down my dorm steps, I brainstormed how I would manage to not draw too much attention to myself, since my irresistible new facade would be sure to turn heads. But you ignorant little self-absorbed dweebs didn’t suspect a thing. Ha! Not only did I raise my hand in class for the first time, but I sat in the front row, furiously writing notes with a quill and ink. What is this new life of intelligence and esteem? Who was

this new version of myself? At lunch I brought up Voltaire and Picasso to my simpleton friends, who looked at me strangely over their unsophisticated meals. “Pfttt,” I scoffed at their confusion. “People like you would never understand.” It wasn’t until I attempted to enter the Barnard campus with the intent of inconspicuously perching myself upon the ledge of Barnard Hall with a leather bound journal, when the Public Safety man asked me to remove my glasses. Hands shaking, I removed them, only to drop them right by his feet like a visually unimpaired klutz.

THIS DUDE IS WEIRD

As he picked them up he turned to me with a sour rapport, saying, “Hey yo, these aren’t real? That’s lame bro, I dunno what you’re tryna do here, playing tricks or what but—” I looked up at his towering stature, ashamed, and a tear rolled down my cheek. He looked rattled, stammering, “Woah dude, no I didn’t mean it like that, I mean, they’re cool. They’re really cool, bud. I-I…I’ll let it slide, don’t worry, please just stop crying.” He handed them back to me and I slipped them back on my head. And as I walked away, I couldn’t help but smirk. “Master of deception,” I mumbled under my breath. 19

holiday happenings

12 Days of Columbia Christmas By Ava Lyon-Sereno

don’t boombox outside their window, carol!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Columbia University gave to me: Twelve IDs tapping, Eleven JJs nuggets, Ten football losses, Nine discussion posts, Eight Kingsmen singing, Seven frat parties, Six baddies fumbled, FIVE OVERDUE PAPERS, Four extension requests, Three University presidents, Two-factor authentication, And a Chef Mike’s footlong sandwich!

Chef Mike/Guest Photographer

20

Joe Coffee to Offer New Milk Varieties For Their Winter Menu By Livy Molko

that’s no plain cup of joe As an exciting new season approaches, beloved coffee chain Joe Coffee has decided to venture into innovative new corners of the coffee business. Instead of their usual winter menu items, they have opted to add new milk varieties to the menu. Joe Coffee will now serve cashew milk, along with a cashew-almond hybrid. They will also have a peppermint infused buffalo milk, and a moose-milk nog. Also, they will be offering various goat milks, from local farms including but not limited to The Bronx Zoo, the Central Park Zoo, and the New York State Bacterial Pneumonia & Chlamydia Goat Sanctuary. But we think the biggest highlight of the new menu is the irrevocable, unmistakable “mother’s milk.” This new addition to the menu has already seen a booming success. Students have been queuing up for hours and the excitement is palpable. Chants of “MILK! MILK! MILK!” can be heard from across campus.

The Fed spoke to Joe Coffee business manager, Lactosin Tollerant, to discuss the company’s attitude towards the new visionary additions to the menu. “Yeah I guess you could call it a feeling of utter excitement,” she smirked.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

I LIVED IT: Secret Santa Gone Wild By Zoe Silverman

when life gives you pigs I truly can’t wait for my suite’s traditional Secret Santa. My roommates and I do it all together every year: drinking hot cocoa, playing Mariah Carey on vinyl, and exchanging presents to show how much we all love and value each other. But what my roommate doesn’t know is that this year, I have a trick up my sleeve. One of my roommates has it coming. Last time I came home drunk, she called my mom to complain to her. She brought home a teacup pig for the communal space, but newsflash: teacup pigs don’t exist, and now a 400-pound porker just chills on our couch. She ate my last bag of Trader Joe’s Takis. Her pig, Gertrude, chomped off 7 inches of my hair in my sleep. She leaves her dishes in the sink for days. And Gertrude locked me in my room during my TIS’ THE SEASON

Psych midterm and went to my class to take it for me without studying; obviously, she totally tanked my grade (that stupid hog got the frontal and temporal lobes totally mixed up). Apparently, pigs and Freud don’t get along. The milking period for piglets is too long for that whole Oedipus thing. Anyway, I’m really sick of my roommate and Gertrude’s disruptive habits. They’ve become some sort of hogwash hurricane that turns our apartment into a sty of chaos. So this year, I gave myself the ultimate present: I secretly transferred her and Gertrude to Dartmouth, the only Ivy League institution with an organic farm and a “Barnyard Studies” major. Don’t worry — they’ll fit right in once the admissions office mistakes them for an experimental livestock program. Volume XLIII Issue 3

campus getting in the spirit

Uris Pool Converted to Indoor Skating Rink for the Winter By Kimberly Wing

what do you mean i can’t ride the zamboni Columbia University Facilities and Operations has announced that Uris Pool will be temporarily converted into an indoor skating rink for the holiday season. “Over the summer and throughout the semester, we kept emailing students about when the pool would be open or closed, but hardly anyone ever showed up,” a disheartened Facilities employee said. “But then, we realized our emails had been consistently missing one thing: holiday spirit.” Many of those working in the Dodge Fitness Center wanted to spread holiday cheer on campus. Throughout November, Facilities began to convert Dodge into what Columbia Undergraduate Student Life described as an “underground holiday hub.” The Running Track was renamed a “Reindeer Run Racetrack,” decorated with lights

and neon signs that say “SANTA STOP HERE.” To promote inclusion and student engagement, each floor of the Tri-Level Fitness Area was dedicated to a Winter holiday, with festivities for Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. The Monday after Thanksgiving break, the Percy Uris Natatorium’s temperature was lowered to 29°F, allowing the pool water to freeze over. Meanwhile, the nearby locker rooms were converted into a hot chocolate booth and an ice skate rental stand. During days of normal operations, Uris Ice Rink is expected to close every 1 to 2 hours for maintenance to ensure the ice remains a safe and smooth skating surface. Students can therefore expect to receive approximately 10 Uris Rink update emails every day until early January, and they will be notified every time the Zamboni

enters or exits the rink. A Columbia spokesperson did not respond to The Fed’s inquiry about rumors of the significant percentage of urine and feces-related contents present in the Natatorium’s ice.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Fed Exclusive: An Interview With Santa By Stella Turowsky-Ganci

he did not let me sit in his lap With the holiday season quickly approaching, students and faculty alike are all getting ready to take a step back from work or school in order to have time with our loved ones and cool off after a long year. For one man, however, the work is just beginning. Christopher Kringle, fondly known in households across the world as Santa Claus, generously took time out of his very busy schedule to talk to The Fed about his holiday wishes.

ets to a Commanders game. Easy stuff, reasonable and tasteful. But as I continued to read the extensive list, the demands got more and more lofty, rendering my typically sufficient team of elves completely useless. She wrote, “I’d like the students to respect me and my authority. I’d also like all the students to bow down to my will and embrace me fully as their chief.” This is where the handwriting began to The Fed: How long was this list get illegible, but I did get the last exactly? Would you say… Longer item, which was “$200 million.” It’s The Fed: So Mr. Kringle, or can I than the list of demands given to gluttonous and frankly absurd! My call you Chris, what are you look- Columbia University by the Trump elves simply can’t make that! ing forward to this Christmas? administration? The Fed: How interesting, Chris. Kringle: Well, ho ho ho I’m looking Kringle: Yes, I would say longer. She seems to be taking advantage forward to spreading the Christ- It started off pretty tame, asking of your jolly spirit and willingness mas spirit to children across the for a cashmere sweater and tick- to provide. December 2025

world as is my rightful duty every December 25. It is my greatest joy to give each and every person what they truly desire, but sometimes, requests pass beyond the limits of my abilities. For example, this year, Columbia University president Claire Shipman posted to me a very long list of demands, many of which I simply do not believe my elves are equipped to deliver.

TO WATCH THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Kringle: That’s correct. It truly does pain me to not be able to give every single person in the world exactly what they want, but it does help that she’s on the naughty list. The Fed: She is? Kringle: …duh The Fed: Figures. Anything else to say? Kringle: Nope! Thanks for listening to me, Fed. Your great work got you on the nice list. Spec will get coal in their stockings.

Paid for by Santa and Co. 21

latest in your inbox

Dani Winkler and Reza Shayesteh/Staff Writers 22

KYAAAAA

Volume XLIII Issue 3

beyond the gates: market trends and alumni corner

Investment Banks Begin Application Cycle for Graduating Class of 2046 By Oliver Green

give up and major in philosoophy This week, major firms including JPMorganChase, Goldman Sachs, and Morgan Stanley have begun their full-time hiring process for university students graduating in 2046. This move should come as no surprise, as students in this field frequently accept offers for full-time positions as early as the summer before their junior year. Companies benefit from being able to lock these students into full-time roles before their prefrontal cortexes are fully developed. Hiring consultants claim that this procedure encompasses a dual-strategy approach: smaller companies lose out on incoming talent, and incoming talent isn’t conscious enough to realize it’s being groomed like an 18 year old at a party hosted by Leonardo DiCaprio. The Fed spoke with Morgan Stanley recruiter Saul Less to get further insight on the increasingly predatory hiring process. “Our research team has determined that we can conclusively determine a candidate’s future success and pro-

ficiency in the industry within their first year and a half of life,” Less told us. “Skills such as walking, talking, and blowing raspberries have been demonstrated to be quite informative predictors of success in the investment banking world.” Our reports show that after promising finance talents are identified, they are asked to sign a contract indicating their commitment to a full-time role at the company upon their college graduation in 2046. Since most candidates can’t read or write at this point, the contract will be conveyed through a finger puppet show, and applicants’ spittle on the paper contracts will be accepted as legally binding signatures. These candidates are then monitored throughout their childhood, with the hopes of further identifying future managing directors and other senior IB positions. Typical signs of these future high-performing cocaine-addicts are cutting the lunch line, hogging the balls

during recess, and a high susceptibility to getting “the sniffles.” It remains to be seen what the effects of this recruiting change will be, but one thing is for sure: if you’re able to read this article, give up on your IB dreams—it’s already too late for you.

Anand Shukla-Parekh/Staff Artist

A Corporate Job Announcement Template, for Your Consideration

By Federalist Staff

saved

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of working at [large corporation] in [large city]. I’d imagine swiping into that tall, brutalist building with a smile on my face, dressed in business-casual attire, eager to work a minimum 9-to-5 and some more on the weekends. I began elementary school as a self-driven visionary. By third grade, I was adding together double-digit numbers, eager to learn the very foundations of the art of calculating shareholder value. Lunchtime became an opportunity to hone the art of negotiation and advocating for my needs: I knew, for example, that Lunchables Pepperoni Pizza was significantly more desirable than the meager carrots and hummus my mother would pack for me every morning. I also knew that mechanical pencils, especially the fancy clear ones, carried more social weight among my peers than the ugly Ticonderoga #2 pencils I was used to and switched to using them permanently. At such a young age, I had an innate sense of when I could profit by advocating for my own interests. I was also a thought-leader on the playground, December 2025

bringing unique perspectives as to what game my friends would play daily. Where others would suggest Tag, I would suggest games like Mafia (a game of charisma, acting as a team player, and gathering data to deliver an informed decision), or even Hideand-Seek (making a guess of best judgment and a test of patience). The playground taught me the hard rules of life that I continue to rely on and build today. College helped me upskill and hone my abilities. These past four years have been an invaluable era of rumination and reflection. In group projects, what skeptics called “the bare minimum,” I called using a small opportunity to make a big impact. Roommate disputes became an opportunity to unapologetically justify my actions and morals. I discovered that traditional sleep schedules don’t appeal to me, proving my natural familiarity with the corporate lifestyle. Dedicating years to skill development is why, as an incoming 2026 Analyst at [large corporation], I’m excited to bring a new, refreshing vision to this challenging and fulfilling role. I’d like to thank [large corporation CEO] for giving me a chance IM SO SCARED

Stella Turowsky Ganci/Arts Editor and seeing my potential. I intend to bring actionable perspectives that will benefit the company and assist it in achieving its admirable commitments to profitability. 23

Down: 1. Often given in a pear tree by a lover 11. Personified blemishes that are fluent and voluble but insincere and shallow 13. Niche, underground Jamaican music genre 16. Something that requires a muff in the cold 18. The people’s princess or the place to go for a pretty mid “Chipotle” bowl 19. What the person who took McDonald’s to court for a very hot cup of coffee could say 21. The coin that is being discontinued (Abe still has the fiver though—he can thug it out) 22. A Milkbone for some, oatmeal raisin cookies for others 24. When he gets so violently drunk on the first date that he throws up in the uber, e.g. 25. Chef Mike’s Latest and Greatest Development 27. An Inn between 112th and 113th 29. The Columbia Student Directory, which until recently was accessible to the general public, might allow someone to do this to you 31. A bashful response to “DAMN THAT ASS LOOKS FAT,” when you have in fact been going to the gym 32. With Chicken or Eggplant, an option at Milano’s 33. Alpha ___ Omega 34. “I can neither confirm nor deny” document 35. The bland white boy who accompanies a doll 36. The boring kind of gender—no plot development 37. Add me on ___, abrv., a common middle school refrain 38. Not a nursing home, but still a hotspot for seniors 39. Where Joe Biden studied 43. Naturally, in text slang 44. Missing the ultimate “i,” an automotive brand with four interlocking circles 46. The form of public transit that could be free in Mamdanistan 47. The benefits that are desperately important to millions of Americans… or what Thanos does 49. While telling someone they have a lot would be an insult, telling someone they go a lot would make them pious and Jesus proud 50. Where they tell children not to go with strangers, particularly white ones 51. Something a power-crazy police officer does to a turnstile-hopper 52. Crucial for eight nights of light 55. Having this shade on your nose gets you ostracized as a reindeer

Crossword answers on socials & website

56. Terminal degree for many fields, AKA what you pursue if you really have no idea what you want to do 58. A desperate call for help in a time of need, or SZA’s album 60. An appropriate reaction to have when Zohran is sworn in 62. Santa’s refrain, or what everyone will chant at you when they see what you wore for Halloween 64. Dream guest on my podcast? Jojo ___ 65. What NO ONE should be for The Onceler in the Lorax… and yet… 69. heh. What you would be disappointed (but maybe not?) to judge of a partner’s appendage if you were engaging in the # of this clue 70. ASAP, in even fewer letters 71. Common causes of this condition include Tylenol and circumcision 73. Accusative singular second person pronoun in Latin 74. Whose island was it? Whose emails were finally released? Across: 2. “Keep it ___,” something said to teenagers at a dance, perhaps 3. The first word of that New Year’s song minus the “u” 4. Carnival! Christ the Redeemer! Two blue macaws who fall in love! 5. What someone who won’t commit to a plan responds to “Are you coming?” 6. On the ___, antiquated way to say you’re bleeding out of your vagina 7. It’ll make you slip, or they’ll kidnap you 8. Medical equivalent of “just let me die” 9. Maker of refrigerators, ovens, and dishwashers 10. A term for whore, which I don’t think has yet been reappropriated… 12. She puts the L in aura 13. An explaining or temporal word 14. The kind of internship I’m looking for 16. The timezone we’re in as of November 2 17. Add a leading C: maybe what your uncle gives you with “the” 18. Many an abandoned initiative… :,( 20. “___ me up, bro” 23. What the Catholic church wishes they still collected 26. An adjective for people who tend to have blonde hair and blue eyes

Sophia Brown/Games Editor

27. JUST the Cheney who recently died. Nothing else. 28. He stole Christmas 29. What Cardi B used to be, or the name of one of Santa’s reindeer 30. Apt name for a holiday spent with a former fling 39. Ish 40. A very long-winded snake’s utterance 42. A short, rude response to a question about the homework 43. Melded, i.e. 45. The star of him is commonly found on necklaces, shawls, and a certain country’s flag 46. “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism,” might be this kind of statement 48. Ol’ buddy, ol’ __ 49. If the red planet were singular 50. Preachin’ to the ____, sister 54. Moonbeam ice cream-loving back flipper

56. When you’re racing yourself, you focus on 57. See 58 down 58. With 57 Down, the longest government one in history just ended (a good omen for Thanksgiving flights) 59. An adjective for this face: 61. Home of the World Series Champs of 15 Across 63. Gamer lingo for too much 65. How an imposter is prolly acting 66. Pennywise with an extra T; or add an M and give him one of these, and he might make a decent outfielder 67. Breadcrumbs, in Versailles (Though the Women’s March in the same place demanded the whole loaf) 68. Ψ 71. Mfs love to remind you of that five they got in high school 72. They’re framed by L and O

ON SUNDAYS AT 8:30 PM IN LERNER 569 SUBMIT TO CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM