COECT EXCLUSIVE MAGAZINE
T.I.Ps
Trauma Informed Parents IN THIS ISSUE: Understanding Matrescence & Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood
Transitions to Becoming a Parent;
ISSUE No.13 January 2025
Balancing the Parentload:
Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos
Patrescence: Version of me 2.0 loading…
A Changing Social Network
Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs with Therapeutic parenting
Photo: ©Coect
Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting
In this issue Editor's Note
Page 2
Meet the Team!
Page 3
Understanding Matrescence and Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood
Page 4
Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting
Page 5
Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs
Page 8
Upcoming Events
Page 10
Ask the Experts
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Patrescence: Version of me 2.0 loading…
Page 17
Transitions To Becoming A Parent; A Changing Social Network
Page 19
Balancing the Parentload: Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos
Page 21
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Editor’s Note Welcome Everybody, We hope you have had a restful Christmas break, where possible. At CoECT we find ourselves transitioning from the festive warmth of the holiday season back to the rhythms of school and work life. The sparkle of Christmas lights has given way to the crispness of frosty mornings and the promise of a new start to the year. The focus of the first issue of 2025 is the journey into parenthood and the challenges it can present. This journey is unique and can be filled with a wide range of emotions, from the excitement and joy of welcoming a child into your life, to the stress and uncertainty that may arise along the way. Sair writes about the transition of becoming a mother, which is known as Matrescence. The article explores the changes women experience through this transitional period in to motherhood. Following on from Sair’s article and further into the magazine, we welcome Russ Hartland-Shaw, a father, and Therapeutic Parenting Coach who has written an article exploring the concept of "Patrescence," which refers to the emotional and psychological changes men experience during the transition into fatherhood. Our resident contributor on therapeutic parenting Jessica, explores the complexities of parenting toddlers, particularly those who have experienced trauma. Jessica highlights the challenges parents face with tantrums and power struggles, emphasising the importance of understanding the underlying needs driving these behaviours. The article introduces Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) as a framework for developing connection and trust. We welcome AJ Gajjar, a parenting and trauma consultant who has written a piece which addresses the complexities of co-parenting in the context of high-conflict divorce, particularly when one parent struggles with psychological or emotional health issues. She explores the detrimental effects that such challenges can have on children, the importance of maintaining boundaries, and emphasises the necessity of healthy co-parenting for their well-being. Gareth Thomas, a Kinship Carer and Trainer with CoECT, joins us in this issue to discuss the significant demands of parenthood, emphasising the importance of self-care and using quiet moments not just for tasks but also for your own well-being. We also welcome Rebecca Pacy, a Therapeutic Foster Parent and Specialist Consultant, to contribute to this issue with an article reflecting on her journey into parenthood, exploring how some relationships deepened while others faded and how parenthood reshapes relationships and develops new connections. As always, we would love to hear from you too, so email your thoughts or questions to us at tips@coect.co.uk Warmest wishes
Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma
Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma
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Meet the Team! The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma is made up of a team of experts who have essential real-life experience. We are Adopters, Foster Parents and Bio parents of neuro diverse children, and also work as professionals in the field. Executive Editor - Sarah Naish
Executive Editor - Sair Penna
Managing Editor - Kathryn Talbot
Contributor - Gareth Thomas
Contributor - Rebecca Pacy
Contributor - Jessica Spenceley
Contributor - Russ HartlandShaw
Contributor -AJ Gajjar
Sarah is a Therapeutic Parent, an Adopter of five siblings, former Foster Parent, retired Social Worker, Best selling international Author, Keynote Speaker and founder of three Independent Therapeutic Fostering Agencies.
Kathryn works across CoECT, specialising in communications and public relations.
Rebecca is a therapeutic foster parent and specialist consultant. She has twenty years of experience in designing innovative therapeutic support models for individuals who have experienced trauma, neurodiversity, and mental health needs.
Russ set up Breathe Leadership & Business Coaching in 2020 as a result of adopting and becoming a parent to two boys in 2019. He was then inspired to specialise in Therapeutic Parenting to support families navigating the challenges of early childhood trauma.
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Sair (Sarah) is a Therapeutic Parent, Trainer, Therapeutic Parenting Coach. Director of NATP, The Haven Parenting and Wellbeing Centre and Inspire Training Group and author, Sair works across CoECT supporting families.
Gareth is a Kinship Carer to three children and has volunteered with children for fourteen years. He is currently studying for a degree in psychology, with a view to becoming an educational psychologist.
Jessica is a therapeutic social worker with over 20 years of experience helping adoptive parents navigate their parenting journeys using the attachmentbased, trauma-informed parenting approach of TBRI®.
AJ Gajjar is a Parenting and Trauma Consultant, child development specialist, and children's advocate. She supports professionals within the domestic violence, family law, children's mental health and child protection sectors to recognise the detrimental effects of domestic violence, high-conflict divorce and maladaptive parenting on children.
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Understanding Matrescence and Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood Written by Sair Penna How are you finding motherhood?
The transition to parenthood is huge. One moment, you’re living your independent life, and the next, you have a little person who looks to you for everything. There’s no gradual transition; when you welcome your child home, you are immersed into the world of parenthood and learn to navigate it as you go. You’ll likely encounter a flurry of advice and shared experiences from others—some of which you may find helpful, while others may not resonate with your situation or your current state of mind. This transitional period is unique to you; no two experiences are alike. This journey has a name: it is called Matrescence for mothers and Patrescence for fathers. Matrescence, is a term introduced by anthropologist Dana Raphael, and describes the transition into motherhood. This journey isn’t just about the joys and cuddles although they do make parenting amazing; it starts with significant physical and hormonal changes. For women who have given birth, there are post-pregnancy changes within the recovery process after childbirth. For all women on the journey into motherhood, whether this has been through birth, ISSUE 13
Photo: ©Coect
One of those questions, especially as a new parent, which could have varying answers depending on the day you have had and the events which have taken place. Good days, not-so-good days, however every day is a learning day! Those days when your child refuses to leave the soft play after the session has finished.
adoption, fostering, surrogacy, or a blended family, there are hormonal changes triggered by bonding with your child and the stresses that come with embracing this new role. Adjusting to motherhood involves many changes, and some mothers may experience transformations in their bodies that they did not expect. Activities like lifting, carrying, and running around with your child can help develop muscle tone in areas that may not have been toned before. Additionally, sleepless nights can take a toll on your energy levels, especially if you have early risers or children who have difficulty falling asleep. This is often referred to as “baby brain” or “brain fog,” which can lead to moments like forgetting to take the keys out of the front door or struggling to remember all the bags and gear needed for a young child, making things feel overwhelming. Your emotional landscape and social relationships may also change
as you navigate your identity as a parent and adjust to new dynamics with your partner, your partner, parents, siblings, and friends. Similarly, if you’re a father, the transition to parenthood— Patrescence—is equally significant. Dads can experience their own emotional and psychological transitions as they step into their new role, grappling with shifts in identity and family dynamics while feeling the weight of the responsibilities that come with being a Dad. Understanding the complexities of Matrescence and Patrescence can help us better understand our journey and embrace all the challenges and joys of being a parent. You’re not alone in this experience; it’s a journey that many have travelled, each in their own unique way, and in some ways giving it a name validates the process, feelings and experiences which goes with navigating parenthood. T.I.P'S MAGAZINE
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Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting Written by AJ Gajjar
C
What happens then, when one parent is NOT psychologically or emotionally healthy? When one parent is high conflict, has a personality disorder, is abusive, struggles with addiction, or is relationally complex and is either unwilling or just does not have the capacity to co-parent? I have seen many parents struggle through trying to co-parent and try everything they can to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship unsuccessfully. They end up stuck in feelings of guilt and shame because they just can’t seem to co-parent well, due to no fault of their own. When friends, family, legal professionals, therapists – when everyone is telling you to co-parent but you just can’t seem to get it right, what then? Here’s the thing - if you keep trying to co-parent with someone who does not have the capacity to, you are actually causing your children more harm. Your energy is focused on the conflict, thoughts, actions, and triggering reactions of the other parent and not on your children. You’re distracted, and not present. The other parent due to their own challenges is also not present, also not able to meet the needs of the children, and often at times due to the maladaptive and coercive parenting approach they implement, are causing the children overt harm. ISSUE 13
Photo: ©AJGajjar
o-parenting offers the best long-term outcomes for children of divorce. This is what the research shows and I stand by it. The key however is that it needs to be healthy co-parenting. Healthy, in terms of both parents’ psychological and emotional well-being, and both parents holding the best interests of their children in utmost priority.
In an ideal world, you should be able to appeal to professionals within the legal system to help keep your children safe. However, the current legal system is one that consistently prioritises parental right, over and above child safety often leaving children in harmful environments for extended periods of time.
time with the maladaptive parent, these children will continue to experience harm at the hands of that parent. It can support these children through their experience of being placed in a less than healthy, traumatic environment repeatedly, week after week after week.
So what can you possibly do to protect your children?
It’s parenting that holds the relationship with your child as sacred, and central to everything you do and looks at the relationship from a Trauma Informed lens.
You can learn to parent differently. Trauma Healing Parenting is a child centric, trauma-informed and responsive parenting approach created specifically to support children in the midst of high-conflict divorce, who have experienced domestic abuse, and who are experiencing maladaptive, and coercive parenting. It is a parenting approach that teaches how to both heal the trauma your child is experiencing, and also build resiliency to protect them from future ongoing experiences of trauma. I say “ongoing” trauma, because as long as these children are spending
It creates a Trauma Healing environment – both relationally and environmentally. It is in these specific situations that Trauma Healing Parenting can provide hope. It maintains the Trauma Healing environment through establishing boundaries and communication strategies which minimises conflict and other distractions which would otherwise take your focus away from your parenting.
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Second, focus on the relationship that you have with your children. Parenting children through highconflict divorce, domestic abuse, and who are experiencing maladaptive and coercive parenting, is unlike any other. These children are experiencing trauma. That trauma is undermining the healthy growth and development of their brain, and hence these children have unique developmental needs. Needs that can be addressed through parenting in a way that involves being highly attuned and responsive to these unique developmental needs. Being responsive to their needs comes from both a relational and environmental perspective. From a relational standpoint, these children will depend on safety, stability and reliability in your mood and affect so they know what to expect from you. From an environmental lens they will need consistency, predictability, boundaries and expectations. Of course, despite your best efforts you are not going to get it right 100% of the time. You’re only human after all - and that is where the importance of repair and reconnect come in. Being honest and making repairs with your children is crucial to maintaining a sense of safety within the relationship and also helps the relationship grow and evolve. You can admit that you are not perfect, and that adults also, sometimes make mistakes. It gives you the opportunity to model the importance of apology in a way that normalises making mistakes and helps foster the development of a healthy growth mindset. ISSUE 13
Photo: Amanda Mauger-Jones
The first step is to shift your focus away from what the maladaptive parent is or is not doing. It’s important to get crystal clear on what you can and, I would argue more importantly, what you CAN’T control within this situation. Then, you can focus our time and attention on things that you can influence.
Trauma Healing Parenting is NOT coparenting. In fact, it has nothing to do with the other parent. But it has everything to do with YOUR relationship with YOUR children. It teaches you to parent in a way these children desperately need to ensure healthy emotional and psychological growth and development, and to minimise the probability of negative long-term physical and mental health outcomes that these children may otherwise likely face. Trauma Healing Parenting is not easy. It requires dedication, time, and an unrelenting resolve to do whatever it is you need to do to provide your children with the opportunity to be healthy and thrive. Are you unsure if this approach is a fit for your children or not? If you have experienced domestic
Photo: ©AJGajjar
So how do you parent from a Trauma Healing lens?
abuse, are experiencing postseparation abuse, or are in the midst of a high-conflict divorce, I can almost guarantee that your children are experiencing some form of coercive or maladaptive parenting which is negatively affecting their emotional and psychological growth and development. The earlier interventions can be put in place, the better chance these children have at securing positive outcomes and being successful in life in spite of the harm they experience. Remember, there is only one person that can heal your child’s trauma in the most effective and efficient way. That one person is YOU.
AJ also supports concerned parents, to best protect and empower their children not only to recover from trauma, but also to develop resilience against future traumas. Having combined her education in Developmental Psychology, over 18 years' of experience in early child development and mental health, along with her lived experience, AJ has created Trauma Healing Parenting, a parenting model specifically designed to best support children who experience ongoing relational harm. Interested in learning more? Go to thetraumahealingparent.com for more information.
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Beyond the Tantrums: Meeting Your Toddler’s Needs Written by Jessica Spenceley
Managing tantrums, navigating power struggles, and hearing “NO!” on repeat can leave even the most patient parent feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. For children who have experienced trauma, these normal toddler behaviours can be more unpredictable and even volatile, adding an extra layer of complexity to this already challenging phase. You might often feel like you’re out of your depth, wondering how to build a secure connection with your child amidst the chaos. That’s where Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) comes in. By shifting your focus from behaviour management to understanding the needs driving the behaviour, you can help create a sense of safety, connection, and trust. Looking Beneath the Surface When faced with difficult behaviours, it’s tempting to focus solely on stopping the tantrum or getting through the moment. But what if you paused and asked yourself: What might be the underlying need beneath this behaviour? In many cases, that need revolves around control. During the toddler years, children naturally begin to assert their independence and autonomy. It’s a crucial part of their development, but for children who have experienced trauma, this need for control can feel more intense. Why? Because trauma robs children of their power. ISSUE 13
Photo: ©JSpenceley
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arenting toddlers is tough.
Violations, deprivations, and losses strip away a child’s sense of safety and agency. Understandably, this can leave a deep imprint, making them more desperate to regain control in some way. When you recognise this, it becomes easier to approach your child with compassion, even in the heat of a meltdown. Instead of feeling like you’re in a battle of wills, you can begin to see their behaviour as a reflection of past wounds and unmet needs. This awareness not only fosters greater empathy but also helps you regulate your own emotional responses during challenging moments. One key TBRI principle that can make a profound difference is giving your child a voice. For children who have lost their sense of control, having a voice is empowering. It signals that they are seen, heard, and valued—an essential step in rebuilding trust and self-worth. Using Choices to Empower Your Child A practical way to give your child a voice is by offering choices. Choices allow children to regain a sense of control in healthy,
manageable ways. Let’s consider a common scenario: You need to go to the store, but your child refuses to put on their shoes. Instead of engaging in a power struggle, get down on their level, make eye contact, and in a calm, warm tone, offer two choices: 1.“Would you like to put on your shoes now?” 2.“Or would you like me to put them on when we get to the store?” Both options ensure that the shoes are put on, but your child gets to decide when it happens. If they choose to wait until you get to the store, repeat their choice clearly so they know they’ve been heard: “You want me to put your shoes on when we get there. Okay, that’s a great choice!” When the moment arrives, follow through and praise them: “You made a great choice—thank you for letting me help you!” Making Choices a Daily Habit Offering choices isn’t just for challenging moments—it’s a strategy to use throughout the day. Whether it’s snack time, playtime, or getting dressed, T.I.P'S MAGAZINE
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think of two or three choices you can give to your child. For example: “Do you want an apple or a banana for your snack?”
The goal is to make this a regular practice so your child has repeated experiences of using their voice and making decisions in safe, supported ways.
“Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue one?”
The Long-Term Impact of Empowerment
“Do you want to play with blocks or do some colouring?”
Every time you offer your child a choice, you’re helping them feel valued, capable, and in control — key ingredients for healthy self-esteem.
For a child who has lived through trauma, these small moments can be deeply healing. Over time, they build trust, foster a sense of safety, and lay the foundation for a stronger connection between you and your child. Parenting a toddler isn’t easy, but with strategies rooted in understanding and compassion, you can navigate this phase with greater confidence.
If you’re curious about TBRI or are ready to implement it in your own family, learn about the TBRI® Caregiver Training at https://nurturedbelonging.com/. Jessica is the founder of Nurtured Belonging where she helps adopters create a strong parenting base for their children so they can heal from early adversity and trauma. Jessica is also Associate with The Haven Parenting & Wellbeing Centre, part of The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma. (CoECT) www.coect.co.uk
www.thehavencentre.co.uk
UPCOMING IN-PERSON TRAINING DATES JANUARY Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2
Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue
Tuesday 21st January & Wednesday 22nd January 10 am - 4 pm each day THE LOFT, The Marina Bar, Vauxhall Quay, Sutton Harbour, Plymouth, PL4 0DN
Tuesday 28th January, 10 am - 1 pm Portsmouth
FEBRUARY Exploring the Foundations of Attachment Wednesday 5th February, 10 am - 1 pm Bristol
Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue Tuesday 11th February, 10 am - 1 pm Merseyside
Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2 Tuesday 11th & Wednesday 12th February 10 am - 4 pm each day Nottingham
First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting Wednesday 26th February, 10 am - 1 pm Sussex
MARCH First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting
Exploring the Foundations of Attachment
Wednesday 5th March, 10 am - 1 pm Lancashire
Thursday 6th March, 10 am - 1 pm Norfolk
Managing Feelings for Parents Compassion Fatigue
Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2
Tuesday 11th March, 10 am - 1 pm Weymouth
Tuesday 18th & Wednesday 19th March 10 am - 4 pm each day Oxford
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/natp-training-booking
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UPCOMING VIRTUAL TRAINING DATES Through the Keyhole - Natural Consequences Thursday 6th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join guest speakers Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon for a supportive series designed to empower traumainformed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.
Through the Keyhole - Friendships Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join us for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.
Through the Keyhole - Social Media Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT) Join our panel for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/natp-training-booking
Next Trauma-Informed Life Story Work Training Day Tuesday 11th February 10:00 am - 3:00 pm Dursley, Gloucestershire £120 per person To book email inspire@coect.co.uk
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