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The Role of a Christian Father
by Keith Chappell
All booklets are published thanks to the generous support of the members of the Catholic Truth Society
CATHOLIC TRUTH SOCIETY PUBLISHERS TO THE HOLY SEE
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Contents Introduction.......................................................................3 The Loving Father and the Prodigal Son ..........................6 Shaping the Father ..........................................................16 The Perfect Father...........................................................23 Fatherhood as Sacrament ................................................31 Being a Hero ...................................................................37 The Unchanging Father ..................................................46
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Introduction “The thing is”, Sylvia said as she tried to blink back her tears, “you can have several dads during your life but you only have one mother”. Sylvia was discussing her faith, particularly her anger with God, in light of the recent death of her mother. Through this one simple phrase I became instantly distracted from our task of exploring the Sacrament of Confirmation, which Sylvia was preparing for as one of the many adults who miss this great sacrament as a young person. My own role as a husband and father had defined the previous twelve years of my life. Could I be so dispensable in the lives of my children? Is being a father simply a matter of being the partner of a child’s mother? True, Sylvia was simply trying to emphasize the unique role of a mother in our lives and was, perhaps, reflecting upon her lack of a close relationship with her own father following her mother’s remarriage. However, the fact that she felt it was acceptable to say this and that nothing in her wider experience had suggested that there might be a special, even unique, position for fathers touches upon a deeper problem in our society. What does it mean to be a father in the twenty-first century? More importantly, for our
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purposes here, what does it mean to be the father of a Catholic family in a society that throws so many new challenges at us and our children? What it means to be a father is something that has exercised the minds of many great thinkers from before the ancient Greeks right up to the present day. It is a question that has led to many books and spawned a number of organisations, particularly over the last few decades. We too in our turn take a look at what a father is, and has been through history, before going on to look at what the Church says about fatherhood and how a Christian father can live his mission. It is not the purpose of this booklet to tell the reader how to be a father; it is hard to think of anything more alienating than someone telling you how to live your most intimate relationships. When your first child is on its way it is astounding how many people say something along the lines of “They don’t come with an instruction manual”. I did notice that nobody seemed to say this to my wife, perhaps the assumption is that the “manual” is built in for mothers. This booklet cannot be, and would never seek to be, the “manual” for fathers, but perhaps it will lead you to reflect on your role as a father and to become aware of the huge internal resources each father has which are given by the grace of the one Father we all look to. As in Sylvia’s case, it is often only in times of loss that we truly examine what something is and what its true
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value is. In many ways the whole process of mourning is shaped by coming to terms with the lost opportunities, past or future, that come about when a loved one dies. Sadly, relationships often come to an end, and divorce is a reality in the lives of many people today. Couples are becoming increasingly aware of the implications of separation for their children and many are using mediation, rather than the courts, to work out the best arrangements for their children and finances. The process is emotionally fraught and many, if not most, couples will shed tears at some point in the process. In my experience men are as likely to cry as women but whilst women will cry over a range of issues, including matters of finance and property, men tend to cry over discussions around the children. Why is this? It is likely that people cry in these situations when they feel powerless or vulnerable. Women are often disadvantaged financially through divorce, but men often feel that their role as father is undervalued and that they will lose their relationship with their children. Often men who have not been very “hands-on� fathers during the marriage suddenly, and genuinely, realise the gift that has been given to them through fatherhood. There is, however, an important question raised by this insecurity of fathers: why has fatherhood become so devalued in society when historically it is portrayed as a central, if not the central, relationship in each person’s life?
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The Loving Father and the Prodigal Son Running out to greet the son Many ancient texts, not least the Bible, are full of stories about fatherhood. Indeed, the whole of Scripture is one story of a loving and forgiving Father who constantly strives to bring home His wayward children. He does this by coming to them in many ways: through the Law of Moses; through the prophets; through the wise teachings of the sages; finally, he sends His Son. Fatherhood, as seen in our Father in heaven, is not something that is distant but is loving and nurturing in a way that we often associate only with motherhood in our modern society. To lose sight of this is a tragedy which has implications for parents and their children in today’s increasingly fractured society and also for our understanding of God and His calling for us all. In the Gospel, one of Christ’s greatest examinations of the meaning of fatherhood is found in the parable of the prodigal son (Lk 15:11-32). This parable is less about the wayward son who wanders off to live a life of debauchery than it is about the father who gives to him freely and welcomes him back unconditionally. The parable is often more rightly called the story of the loving
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father, and when this is done we can see that it is a summary of the whole of Scripture and of God’s love for all of His children. True, this is a story that is simplified in many ways when we consider the complexities of relationships between father and children. In this parable the father is without fault, something no human father should ever delude himself that he can say! Nonetheless it is a parable that calls us to follow the example given and to run out to greet our child with open arms and kisses just as the father in the story runs to his returning son. Fatherhood is not something that just is, nor is it something our children give us; it is something that fathers do and live and, ultimately, give to their children without any expectation of reward. We will return to this parable later. A changing role, or one that endures? Fatherhood comes in many forms, and always has. Throughout history children have been separated from one or both parents through death, poverty or marriage breakdown. The result has been that fathers and mothers were often adoptive. Until relatively recently the adult in a single parent family was more likely to be the father than the mother due to high mortality rates during childbirth and divorce laws which assumed the father to be the best custodian of children on financial grounds. There is significant evidence than many of these men did
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not rely on female relatives or servants for childcare but provided a nurturing environment on their own. In her book Fatherhood Reclaimed Adrienne Burgess provides a very good potted survey of fatherhood through history and in different societies. She concludes that fatherhood is not defined by some form of biological preprogramming but is expressed in many different forms depending upon the society and the needs of the individual family involved. Work-life balance In the context of western societies, the experience of fatherhood in small agricultural communities where mothers and fathers lived and worked in the same place alongside their children, and cared for them together, was radically overturned by the industrial revolution. The need to work away from home separated both parents, but especially fathers, from their children and disrupted family life. It was partly this disruption of family life that led Leo XIII to publish his encyclical Rerum novarum (The Condition of Labour) in 1891. In this encyclical Leo XIII argued for a living wage for workers in what was perhaps one of the first attempts to address the issue of ‘work/life balance’. Unfortunately this call was not heeded by wider society and men became increasingly seen as fulfilling their role as fathers through earning money. The role of being with children and caring for
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them became increasingly identified with mothers, and women generally. This became reinforced over the decades until by the middle of the twentieth century motherhood and the workplace were seen as mutually exclusive with many employers requiring women to leave work on getting married or becoming pregnant. ‘Bringing home the bacon’ was the task of men and fatherhood had effectively been reduced to providing a roof over the family’s heads and putting food on the table. The issue of work/life balance is more pressing today than ever and Leo XIII would perhaps be more shocked now than he was in 1891. There have been many social and legal developments in recent years to help make it easier for parents, and others such as those caring for elderly or disabled relatives, to balance the demands of work with those of looking after others. It is now a legal right to ask for, but not necessarily to get, flexible working patterns if you have young children under six years old. Fathers now have a right to ask for paternity leave on the birth of a child, but again there are significant restrictions on this. There can be no doubt that it is legally and socially more difficult for fathers to address the balance of work and life; paternity leave tends to be about two weeks whilst maternity leave is generally six months or more. Society accepts that young children need their mothers but is less realistic about the importance of fathers. On one level the concept of
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work/life balance is a very positive thing; not least because the very name implies that work is not life, it is not what we are made for. There is a risk, however, that we will expect the balancing to come from outside ourselves and outside our family. Waiting for society to change to allow us to spend more time with our children is not only likely to take a long time but it misses the point and means we fail to take on our personal responsibility as parents. It is by spending more time with our children, which may mean making financial or career sacrifices, that we will help to change society. Not least amongst the changes will be its image of fatherhood, and perhaps with that its image of God. Fatherhood and the Church Is it as simple as that? Are modern fathers often distant from their children simply because of the pattern of work in modern society? Of course not. Throughout history, and from culture to culture, the role of fathers has shown immense diversity. This is the point made by the impact of the industrial revolution, fatherhood has never been a static thing in the way it is lived even if its essence is rooted in the one fatherhood of God. We can see this shift and development even within the imagery used by the Church to portray fatherhood. One of the great joys of life in the Catholic Church today is the growth in the reception of adults into
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communion with the Church through the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. Grown men and women come to faith in Christ in maturity and often provide wonderful challenges and questions which force existing Catholics to reflect on their faith in more depth. One area of confusion or misunderstanding for many enquirers is the role of the Blessed Virgin in the life of the Church. Discussing doctrines and dogma can sometimes deepen this confusion but I often find that dwelling on Marian devotion helps to reveal the mysteries held within. For example, in praying the Rosary we soon find that the focus is not Mary but Christ and His life, death and resurrection. Another useful thing to do is to use the many visual aids provided in the Church such as icons and statues. One evening I was looking at images and statues of Mary in our parish church with Steve, an enquirer in his thirties with two children. He had been very interested in various pictures and icons such as that of Our Lady of Perpetual Succour and a small statue of Mary Mother of God and seemed quite happy with it all. He was, however, troubled by a larger statue of the Immaculate Conception in the Lady Chapel, and stood looking at it for a while. “It doesn’t make sense without the baby” he eventually said. Somewhat taken aback by this insight all I could say was “No, none of this makes any sense without the baby”. Our whole faith is based around that
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baby and what He grew up to do, it is right and proper to ask why we would ever leave Him out of the picture, so to speak. This provided a great way to discuss the Incarnation but it also prompted me to look at images of St Joseph, patron of fathers and a model for all fathers, biological and adoptive. A quick search on the internet or through books of images reveals different images of St Joseph in his many patron roles such as worker, happy death and father. It is remarkable how many of them don’t have “the baby”. It turns out that this is something of a historical phenomenon. Early icons and statues rarely, if ever, show St Joseph without the Christ child but as we move through the Middle Ages towards modern times we find increasing images of St Joseph as worker, contemplative or dying a happy death. So, even in the Church we find a developing image of the human father and, it would seem, that it is often a movement towards being removed from nurturing the infant in a direct way towards being a provider. Father as patriarch Perhaps one of the most enduring images of fatherhood in Scripture and society is that of the patriarch. In modern times the idea of a patriarch has come to be presented in very negative terms, suggesting control and even oppression. The term “patriarchal society” has
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become a way of suggesting failure in cultures or that they are somehow undeveloped. Whether we agree or not, it is a reality that the notion of patriarch is no longer one that is valued in our culture. This is perhaps not surprising as the term has become increasingly abused over the centuries to the point where it is now virtually unrecognisable from the biblical notions seen in figures such as Abraham. In Abraham and the other Old Testament patriarchs we find men with whom God deals directly and who worship Him faithfully. The God they worship is not one tied to a particular place or time but one who walks with His people at all times; these were nomadic people after all. The God of the patriarchs is one that we can have a personal relationship with and that is not bound to formal religious structures such as shrines or holy mountains. In short, He is a God that is in all places for all people. As nations became more linked to a particular land the idea of a patriarch as father of the people became associated with the king. This provided a softening of the idea that he ruled over people and pointed to a guiding and caring role. What seems to have happened is that, rather than kings becoming more like fathers, fathers seem to have become more like kings in their own families. Fathers have increasingly expected to take decisions in a unilateral way, and to administer discipline and punishment in a household. Thus, rather than helping to soften rulers the
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term ‘patriarch’ seems to have contributed to hardening fathers. The image of a king is clearly one that modern fathers would do well to leave behind. Unilateral decision making devalues the role of the mother and wife, and denies the covenant bond of equals that exists in the sacrament of marriage. Obviously each marriage divides roles between the spouses differently but being a dictator in any area does no one any good. It is also important for fathers to remove themselves from the role of primary disciplinarians. Again, this is an area for joint responsibility. The days of “Wait ‘til your father gets home” should be as far behind us as the times when a man arrived home expecting his dinner on the table and all the housework done by his wife. For one parent to be identified with discipline risks making them less approachable, the other a ‘soft touch’ and means that discipline is something that children can associate with something outside themselves. We do our children no favours if they do not learn that it will ultimately be them who will have to account for their own actions, and discipline themselves, as they become adults. If discipline is something Dad did, then when he is not around it doesn’t apply. Perhaps one of the most common expressions of this is found in the loss of young adults from attendance at Mass. So many young people don’t go to Mass because they associate it with childhood discipline, and see not attending Mass as an expression of
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their adulthood. I suspect we all know someone who still holds a faith but doesn’t go to Mass regularly for these reasons yet, when they visit their parents, they attend Mass to keep their parents happy. For a Catholic father today a recapturing of the image of the patriarchal father who helps his family to have a deep personal relationship with God, through His Church and all its gifts, is one that would be deeply helpful. Our children may then be helped towards a grown up relationship with others, with society and with God. The idea of the patriarch is one worth rehabilitating and one that would bring us closer to the image of the father in the story of the prodigal son. After all, the son in the story did not come to his transformation through authoritative discipline but through self-realisation of his errors in the face of unflinching love.