Living with Illness and Suffering The Catholic way to hope and healing by Rev Nick Donnelly
All booklets are published thanks to the generous support of the members of the Catholic Truth Society
CATHOLIC TRUTH SOCIETY PUBLISHERS TO THE HOLY SEE
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Contents Purpose of this booklet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 The impact of suffering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 Things that help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 Questions to place before God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26 Prayers during times of suffering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44 Meditations on the Christian meaning of suffering . . .52 Meditations on the healing wounds of Christ . . . . . . . .59 Acknowledgements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67 To my mother and father, with love and thanks
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Purpose of this booklet This book of prayers, practical advice, meditations, and reflections has been written for people coping with suffering caused by chronic conditions such as long-term sickness, disability, grief, depression, anxiety, and many other afflictions. I became ill in 1987, and was soon housebound and unable to work. It took 5 years for the doctors to diagnose a chronic, incurable sickness, plus other complications. It took another 5 years for them to get it under reasonable control. I remain in permanent poor health subject to severe pain, susceptible to infections and with a higher risk of developing cancer. The inspiration for this book was an event that happened almost 12 years ago. I was undergoing a flare up of the disease, and was lying on the bathroom floor, unable to move due to severe abdominal pain. I must admit that I was frightened and this fear was making the pain worse. In my anxiety I asked Martina, my wife, to bring me a crucifix that I gripped hard with each spasm of pain. Instead of focusing on the pain I focused on Jesus’ sufferings on the Cross. It was as if, lying on the floor, I
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joined my pain with his pain on Calvary, and my fear subsided. After a while, the pain lessened enough for Martina to help me back to bed. By an act of grace, I had learnt the truth of St Peter’s words, ‘through his wounds you have been healed’ (1 Peter 2:24). By this, I don’t mean that miraculously my disease had gone, but that Christ’s wounds began to transform my experience of suffering. I have found that devotion to the wounds of Christ has given meaning and purpose to my trials, which in turn has blessed me with enough perseverance and hope to build a life that is much more than suffering. A life brightened by joy and consolations even when I am in pain. At a time when a vocal minority are pushing assisted suicide onto the sick and disabled as the only way of escaping our suffering, we must make more widely known the Catholic understanding of the dignity, value and transformational power of suffering shared with the Crucified God. It is my hope that others who are trying to cope with suffering, in all its aspects, will find some help here. Deacon Nick Donnelly St Mary of Furness, Barrow, Diocese of Lancaster, Lent 2010
The impact of suffering ‘Like water I am poured out, disjointed are all my bones. My heart has become like wax, it is melted within my breast. Parched as burnt clay is my throat, my tongue cleaves to my jaw. You lay me down in the dust of death’. (Psalm 22:14-15). Suffering comes to us all, at some time in our lives, as the poet Henry Longfellow puts it, ‘Into each life some rain must fall, some days must be dark and dreary.’ But for some suffering is like a daily, relentless deluge that soaks every part of their lives, getting everywhere. For others, it is more like a devastating hurricane that uproots everything, forever changing the landscape of their lives. For yet others they have to endure both catastrophic suffering and chronic suffering. Chronic suffering includes all types of chronic health conditions caused by physical diseases, genetic preconditions, accidents, disabilities, addictions, and mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder, depression, neuroses and phobias. Chronic means ‘long-term’. My chronic sickness has left no aspect of my life untouched, including relationships, work, leisure activities, prayer and sacramental life, even things as basic as diet and sleep.
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Suffering isolates Some of the hardest things to cope with in suffering any chronic condition are the long periods of isolation from normal life caused by being housebound. It feels like the world carries on, while your own life grinds to a halt. When I’m unable to work or enjoy the ordinary pleasures of life, my world often shrinks to the size of my home, sometimes just to my bedroom and bathroom. Without the stimulation of working relationships, going to church, or the essential exchanges of friendship, it is so easy to feel cut off from life. Also, feeling constantly unwell and in pain quite naturally forces your attention inwards, where all kinds of resentments, fears and doubts can too easily dominate your thoughts. Furthermore, in my experience most healthy people don’t understand what it really means to live with a chronic disease or condition. At first, when you become sick, people are considerate and solicitous, but as the months pass with no improvement, many stop calling. Not only is chronic suffering boring, it also reminds others of the mortality and pain of life, which most people, not surprisingly, want to avoid. I have also found that there are judgmental and critical attitudes towards chronic conditions that add to the sense of isolation. We live in a society in which many
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increasingly make the mistake of judging quality of life strictly in terms of independence of action, unrestricted freedom of choice, physically active life-styles and youthful looks. Sadly, it is becoming all too common to encounter impatience, even intolerance, towards any form of dependence, limitation, disability or sign of old age. This is just one expression of the contemporary denial of the inevitability of suffering, ageing and death. It is all too easy for those of us suffering chronic conditions to succumb to the pressure of these opinions and feel we’re failures and outsiders, and in the worst cases, burdens on society. Over the years I’ve gradually come to appreciate being an outsider. Being an outsider through learning to live with suffering and my own mortality has helped me focus on questions of ultimate concern, instead of being caught up in the rush of modern life. The sick room, like the desert, can be a harsh place where life is stripped down to its essentials. In my experience chronic suffering presents us with the fundamental decision of existence - either to trust God to guide us through life or to reject God’s plan for our lives by blaming him for our condition and cursing life as meaningless and pointless. Chronic suffering reveals the heart of man, bringing out the best or the worst in us.
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‘Illness can lead to anguish, self-absorption, sometimes even despair and revolt against God. It can also make a person more mature, helping him discern in his life what is not essential so that he can turn toward that which is. Very often illness provokes a search for God and a return to him’. (CCC, 1501). Suffering frustrates Most people’s sense of personal identity and their place in society derives from their work. This is reflected in the fact that in conversation people often ask, ‘What do you do?’ or ‘How’s work going?’ There have been times when I have dreaded these questions, because it is so frustrating to have to reply, ‘I’m not able to work due to illness’. One of the hardest things I’ve found about being chronically ill is enforced inactivity due to pain, lack of energy or some other disabling symptom. Most of us grow up with a vision of how we’d like our lives to unfold; some even have definite plans for a career, marriage and a family. We want our lives to mean something, to make a difference, but instead, due to our chronic condition, we find ourselves imprisoned by our bodies or minds! There have been times when I’ve hated my body for being beyond my control, because no matter how much I want to do something, if I’m sick or in pain I just can’t go
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outside when I want to, or go to work, or visit friends or family, or go to important events like marriages, baptisms or funerals. It can be frustrating beyond words! One of the worst things about chronic suffering can be the feeling of not being in control and life not making any sense. There’s a saying, ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’, and this applies in a specific way to chronic suffering. Faced with the lack of control and meaninglessness we try to force control and meaning onto our lives. But often this is a negative type of control and meaning - blaming ourselves, our doctors, or even God. This negative attitude can begin a very destructive downward spiral, because blame tends to transform all our frustrated and imprisoned energy into recrimination, rage and bitterness. Like all emotions, these violent feelings seek to express themselves either through self-criticism or self-hate or through lashing out at those around us, usually those closest to us. Living with a chronic condition can be hard but when such negative thoughts also become dominant, life can become absolutely intolerable for others and ourselves. It’s not surprising that some seek relief from their desperate situation through alcohol, drugs or pornography. However, these only provide an illusory escape, and make matters worse through increasing the sense of being out of control and the meaninglessness of life. They also harm a body and psyche already weak and vulnerable.
Healing Thoughts on the Trials of Sickness Compassionate insights on sickness, and the care of the sick These reflections on sickness and the state of those who are sick demonstrate Benedict XVI’s great attentiveness to the meaning and extent of human suffering. The anguish of those in a worsening medical condition can truly be answered by confidence in God’s boundless love. In the cross of sickness we suffer with Christ. Both the spirituality and moral dimensions of the care of the sick are also important themes. A booklet warmly commended to both the sick and those involved in their care.
ISBN: 978 1 86082 720 4 Do 844
Prayer in Sadness & Sorrow The Healing Power of Lament Prayer of lament is prayer in moments of deep suffering or hopelessness, when God can seem absent or distant. This booklet introduces this difficult but vital aspect of the spiritual battle. First the author considers the dangerous alternatives to crying out to God, then he shows how scripture, the teaching of the Church and the example of the saints can guide us in our journey from anguish towards peace. The Deeper Christianity Series delves into the mysteries of Christianity, opening up the spiritual treasures of the Church. Fr Taylerson is a parish priest in Trent Vale, Stoke-on-Trent in the archdiocese of Birmingham, and a tutor involved with formation of permanent deacons at Oscott College. ISBN: 978 1 86082 778 5 CTS Code: SP 35
Prayers for Grieving Parents Spiritual and practical help on the death of an unborn child This book of prayers, practical advice, meditations and services has been written for parents whose child has died through miscarriage or stillbirth. It takes specific account of the particular needs of those who find themselves faced with the heartbreaking ordeal of such sudden grief, and will also be helpful for those ministering to them. It offers sound advice on dealing with grief, what practical steps can help, and articulates with great sensitivity the answers to the many burning questions of faith that such a loss can provoke. Together with prayers, and meditations on Christ’s loss and vulnerability, this booklet is also unique in that it offers liturgies for the parents and unborn child. Nick Donnelly is a permanent deacon and consultant on adult formation for the Diocese of Lancaster. He has been married since 1987. He has also advised on and authored several CTS publications.
ISBN: 978 1 86082 616 0 CTS Code: D 713
A Little Book of Consolation Treasured spiritual companion for those recently bereaved This thoughtful compilation of prayers, reflections, hymns and scripture brings a great message of Christian hope and consolation into the human and spiritual void experienced by those recently bereaved. Each chosen prayer and reading provides the sense of divine love and mystery that lies at the heart of the human encounter with grief and loss. The reader can browse easily, in private ref lection and prayer, receiving Christ’s consolation along a difficult and often lonely journey.
ISBN: 978 1 86082 721 1 CTS Code: D 739