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VOLUME 49 ISSUE 16 FEBRUARY 01 - 14 | 2016

THE VALENTINE'S ISSUE

KING OF THE RING

SHAMELESS PLUG

CapU music therapy student stars in a romantic proposal fit for the big screen. Plus, the Courier’s guide to popping the question on campus.

The Courier’s beloved sex columnist, Anna L. Beedes, makes her triumphant return with a review of the hottest toys in her tickle trunk this year!

C O NTE NTS

Cover Art

Editor's Desk

News

Cap You

Special Feature

Arts & Culture

Columns

Humour

SYD DANGER

THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE SQUIRT

THE STAFF Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

editor@capilanocourier.com Carlo Javier EXECUTIVE LIFESTYLE EDITOR

carlo.capcourier@gmail.com Therese Guieb

BROKEN HEARTS AND EMPTY COFFEE CUPS

DIRTY TALK, CUDDLING AND APHRODESIACS

LIBRARY ARSONIST IN CUSTODY

SIP SIP HURRAY! 3 BURGERS + 3 BEERS

COLUMNISTS

Kevin Kapenda OPINIONS EDITOR

opinions.capcourier@gmail.com Gabriel Scorgie FEATURES EDITOR

specialfeatures.capcourier@gmail.com Christine Beyleveldt CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT

reporter.capcourier@gmail.com Cristian Fowlie ART DIRECTOR

artdirector.capcourier@gmail.com

THE CAPILANO COURIER

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO. 16

Syd Danger

Aidan Moulliec Aidan Mouellic is a low-key veteran in the world of student journalism. He’s written words of wisdom and of satire for Douglas College’s The Other Press and yours truly. Ever the music aficionado, Aidan will be writing his critical analysis and thoughts about the current state of music, while amalgamating ongoing musical developments with treasures from the past. What up, Pitchfork.

Alva Tang COMMUNITY RELATIONS MANAGER

community.capcourier@gmail.com Tianyi Bao BUSINESS MANAGER

businessmanager.capcourier@gmail.com Brandon Kostinuk WEB COORDINATOR

Syd Danger COVER ART

Megan Collinson ART

Angela Schmold ART

Annie Chang

Caitlin Manz This semester we have Caitlin Manz taking the reins on our new political column. Caitlin is an Arts and Science student focusing on Biology and English. With extensive travel experience and a keen interest in international events, Caitlin will take controversial issues and look to inform the students of Cap on the global state of affairs.

ART

Cristian Fowlie ART

Brenna Mackinder ART

Andrew Palmquist

Mike Allen Mike Allen is our very handsome columnist writing about absurd news stories you may have missed. He’s a selfproclaimed train enthusiast and he stands firmly by his utter lack of belief of Iceland (he doesn’t think the country exists.) Mike also has an inherent fear of long commercials, which means his columns will get straight to the point.

PRODUCTION MANAGER

pm.capcourier@gmail.com

DATING APPS FOR YOUR AREA OF STUDY

CONTRIBUTORS

EXECUTIVE NEWS EDITOR

news@capilanocourier.com

CAP U GRAD TRAVELS THE EARTH MOTOR-FREE

ART

Graeme Findlay WORDS

Scott Barkemeyer WORDS

Anna L. Beedes

Max Ley Back by popular demand, Max Ley is here to help. Much of the student population tends to live on a limited budget, which creates a hunger for cheap and accessible “student” foods and the occasional glass (or bottle) of wine. What Max will be doing is finding the perfect budget bottle to pair with your go-to snacks. Yes, we know, we should have this column every week.

WORDS

Makenzie Murdock WORDS

Dinah Azage WORDS

Milana Bucan WORDS

web.capcourier@gmail.com THE CAPILANO COURIER is an autonomous, democratically-run student newspaper. Literary and visual submissions are welcomed. All submissions are subject to editing for brevity, taste and legality. The Capilano Courier will not publish material deemed by the collective to exhibit sexism, racism or homophobia. The views expressed by the contributing writers are not necessarily those of the Capilano Courier Publishing Society.

EDI TO R 'S D E SK Broken hearts and empty coffee cups Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Feeling the sting of rejection wasn’t at all what I wanted that year, but I think it was what I needed. I realized that things don’t always play out like they do in the movies. Everyone knows the heart is blind when it comes to someone they have their eye on, but I think a lot of people miss out on someone even better, simply by allowing cataracts to form over their better judgement along the way. As the famous Stephen Stills song goes, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you’re with." I took this newfound knowledge with me to university, which of course offered its own sets of circumstances. I met a lot more sopranos — and even a few altos — in my four years in CapU’s jazz studies program. Some memories are dream-worthy while others are downright awkward, but I regret nothing. Your life experiences are what make you the person you are, and this special Valentine’s Day issue is devoted to all of those little things we’ve learned — or should have learned — along the way. We have a feature story on friends with benefits, another on the ins and outs of female ejaculation, a list of the best Canadian indie love songs of the past year and guides to aphrodisiac foods, dirty talk and places to propose on campus. We’ve packed a lot into these 20 pages, just like you’ve packed a lot into your heart, your memory and maybe even your bed. I should clarify though — I do actually regret one thing. I still think about my clarinet-playing companion sometimes and how I pushed her away. After a couple years, she finally got fed up waiting for me and started dating the only guy in our school with a moustache. I think they’re engaged now, coming up on their 10th anniversary together. Our friendship never really recovered, and I’m 100 per cent to blame for the way I handled everything. Honesty and communication are always better than silence and secrets, and I only wish I could turn back time and give my band geek self that piece of advice. …And to tell him that there were way better albums out there than Daughtry’s.

THE VOICEBOX with Carlo Javier

Do you happen to have any better ideas than your dumb suggestions on how to increase attendance at Blues games?

I do happen. I happen very much.

The Ubyssey did a colouring book issue and their Instagram post got 44 likes. How many did you guys get? 12.

Ya, and how many prizes did you get for not colouring either of them?

THE CAPILANO COURIER

I went to the office to pick up my prize last week and it totally reeked of Indian food. Not that I have anything against Indian food. But you guys can do yourselves a favour and open those windows.

Indian food? We’ve never had Indian food in this office…

The Voicebox is back! If you have any questions, concerns or any other bitchin’ to do, text it over to our boy Carlo at 778-865-2649. “Please text me,” he says. “No one else does.”

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO.16

Throughout most of my high school years, I had a major crush on one of the sopranos in my choir. She was moderately lanky, profoundly bucktoothed and couldn’t sing a bloody note in tune, but to a sexuallyfrustrated teen in a town of 13,000 she was a goddess. The problem was, there were a lot of sexually-frustrated teens in this town of 13,000, and they were all in full worship mode. This girl was queen of the band geeks too, with everyone from the 18man trumpet section to the one lonely tuba player wrapped around her finger. My best friend and I played tenor saxophone in the row ahead of her, a large swarm of clarinets honking away just to our left. This was around the time when frosted tips were on their way out and gold chains were in with a vengeance. We all looked like shit. To make matters even more complicated, one of these clarinet players had a major crush on me. (There were damn near 50 of them so I guess the odds were pretty good…) We’d been close since middle school and it was one of those friendships I really didn’t want to mess with. But of course, the universe had other plans. Suddenly, we were spending more and more time together. There were dinners, coffees and long walks. There were gifts and notes, hugs and heart-to-hearts. All the while, I pretended not to notice her advances, but I knew it would all come to a head eventually. Of course, I handled it like any 15-year-old would have — which is to say, poorly. She wanted from me what I wanted from this other girl: a one-way ticket out of the friend zone. But I wasn’t feeling it. Nope. I remained hung up on the flirty soprano who kind of looked as though she’d made out with a table saw. I used to run to her house almost every evening, stopping at Starbucks along the way to pick up her favourite drink. I still remember all of the words to the songs on Daughtry’s debut album, which she put me onto that semester. The distance between our two houses was the album’s length exactly — 42 minutes with a short pause in between to pick up a couple of grande White Chocolate Mochas. That was the year I got skinny and developed a coffee addiction, spending over $100 a month to essentially buy this girl’s attention for an hour at a time. But of course, she wasn’t feeling it. Just before the start of Grade 12, I found out she’d started dating a chubby guy who drank decaf. My world was shattered. I threw my gold chain in the river and switched to black coffee for a long, long while.

NEWS Business students win top prize in regional competition

Library arsonist in custody Squamish man arrested for tire slashings, arson and break and enter Therese Guieb

CapU team selected to compete again next month in New Orleans

EXECUTIVE NEWS EDITOR

well we worked as a group, and how our peers marked us,” explained Shepherd. Joining the BCITMA case competition was a way for the group to prepare for their upcoming endeavour in New Orleans. Their mentor and Eby advised them to check out this opportunity to train for the bigger venture in March. “As practice, we joined this case as well to test the waters. It’s a good way to find out the level of competition that will be in New Orleans,” expressed Hassar. Every team presented the same topic to Centra Construction Group. “The subject was how Centra can branch off from business to business followers as opposed to business to consumer though social media. Our presentation was about how they can do that, and how they can gain brand recognition within the industry,” Hassar described. The fact that they had less than a week to prepare a thorough case was one of the biggest challenges the team faced while competing. “We received the case the Sunday before it was due so we really only had six days to get everything together. It

was a time crunch to figure out when it worked for the whole team to meet,” said Shepherd. “Time was of the essence.” Although they did not make the AMA Top 10 Collegiate Competition, the team is still in good spirits and are happy with their honourable mention. Competing in this case before the one in New Orleans proved to be a big payoff for the team as they learned not only what to expect in March, but how to apply these skills in the real world. “These kinds of presentations really put you on the spot and it is good practice for this career path. You learn a lot about how to present cases and it’s a good way to utilize the stuff you learn in class and apply it in the real world,” stated Hassar. Their team is looking forward to represent CapU outside the country. They will be joined by professors and other classmates, including Richard Harvey, a competitor in the AMA Marketing Association case competition, who are all equally as eager to network, learn and experience what a marketing student is like in the US.

The search is over for a firebug who torched a portion of the Capilano University library on Jan. 2, 2015, causing nearly a quarter of a million dollars in damages. Thirty-three-hear-old Shane Nendick was arrested on Jan. 27 for several alleged criminal offences, including a break in and enter and arson committed last year in the Capilano University Library. After extensive renovations and restorations, the space reopened 10 months later as the Aspen Room. In an interview last November, Mark Clifford, CapU’s director of contract services and capital planning, said that $209,762.10 was claimed by the University in insurance “to cover hard costs such as clean-up, replacement of carpet, furniture, movers, painting, door repair and ancillary items.” "Capilano University is aware of the arrest related to the break and enter and arson at our library on Jan. 2, 2015,” said its public relations department in an email to the Courier the day after Nendick’s arrest. “As the case is before the courts, we won't be providing further comments at this time." North Vancouver RCMP also implicated the Squamish resident for 180 tire slashings that ravaged parking lots near CapU and Park and Tilford on Dec. 4, 2014 and for breaking into a local gas station on Jan. 10, 2015. Nendick is currently in custody and his court appearance is scheduled for Feb. 12.

Student housing is an ongoing discussion on campus and Wilson has been working to make this possible at CapU. According to Wilson, the CSU has been studying the likelihood of having an on-campus and off-campus housing for CapU students. Meetings with the minister of Advanced Education and the district of North Vancouver has given the CSU more insight and consultation regarding housing. New renovations for the CSU’s offices in the Maple building have been approved by the Board. Jonathan Morgan & Company Limited will be the construction company to work on the new renovations, which will cost the CSU $142,000. They will include an open-plan work area for staff, work space for shared computer stations, a staff kitchen, a closed private office for the CSU’s general manager, a staff lounge/shared meeting room, a storage room and a secure storage area for a safe. The start date for renovations has yet to be determined. The CSU has approved an agreement with College and University (CU) advertising for advertisement placements for the Union’s handbook agenda. Many concerns have been raised by Board members regarding the kind of companies they should not allow to place an advertisement in the handbook. Sacha Fabry, vice president

of university relations, pointed out that a notice to all Board members was sent out via email regarding their suggestions on specific companies that they will not allow to advertise on the handbook. Christopher Girodat, CSU general manager reminded the Board that only one member noted that companies that are unethical should not be allowed to advertise with the CSU. Fabry and other Board members such as Ben Glassen, CapU senate representative, and Kyle Legrow, global and community studies representative, raised questions as to how the CSU would determine if a company is unethical. After much debate amongst the members regarding the issue, the proposal for the advertising agreement with CU advertising was approved with Jon Kinsley, queer students’ liaison, and Kaylie Higgs, environmental justice coordinator, opposing it. Jullian Kolstee, accessibility justice coordinator, is planning a mental health forum this semester. A budget of $1,000 was approved for the event to give as an honorarium to the guest speaker for the forum. An emergency board meeting was also called on Jan. 29 to discuss three amendments. Jon Kinsley, queer students liaison motioned to change the name of the

upcoming Gender Bender Ender event, set to take place in the Capilano University Library at the end of February. The event was relabelled as the Glitter Extravaganza upon request from the Donnelly Group, which volunteered to cover the cost of the event off-campus and provide an open bar as well as hire three drag queens and DJs for the night. All proceeds from the event will go towards Rainbow Refugee and Directions Youth Services. Vice president of external relations, Taylor Wilson, then requested permission to set aside up to $2,260 from the external relations budget for him to attend the Canadian Alliance of Student Associations Advocacy Week in Ottawa. Vice president of university relations, Sacha Fabry, questioned whether Wilson would recommend that the CSU join CASA following the conference. Wilson told the board that the decision would ultimately fall to his successor, and in the meantime he does not wish for the CSU to join CASA based on their budget restrictions. Lastly, Wilson requested permission to write a letter to the vice president of the University of Victoria Student Society in support of the Education is a Right rally, a student rally held on the lawn of BC Legislature.

Makenzie Murdock CONTRIBUTOR

Capilano University takes home the gold in the BCIT Marketing Association (BCITMA) Regional Case Competition on Jan. 16. Business students Rhita Hassar, Stephanie Hahlen, Alexis Morton and Matt Shepherd made up the school’s winning team. The BCITMA Regional Conference brings together industry professionals and business students from various universities for a day, ending off with competitions. The second annual case competition was presented by Centra Construction Group, a company that manufactures and installs windows, doors and sidings for homes all over BC. Five teams had the opportunity to work collaboratively to present a strategic marketing plan for this company. Each team presented to a panel of judges and competed for the top spot. The CapU ‘dream team’ previously competed together in September in the Internal Case Competition hosted on campus by marketing chair, Andrea Eby. All four students were selected to represent CapU at the American Marketing Association (AMA) Collegiate Case Competition in March in New Orleans. “Eby chose our team based on a number of criteria, things like presentation skills, how

What's new with the CSU? Therese Guieb EXECUTIVE NEWS EDITOR

Christine Beyleveldt

THE CAPILANO COURIER

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO. 16

CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT

New plans and developments have been discussed at the Capilano Student Union’s (CSU) Board of Directors meeting on Jan. 22, as they have already started prepping for the fall 2016 school year. The spring semester has the Union mapping out its plans for the next CSU election in March and designating content for their handbook agenda which is available to students at Capilano University. Among the issues brought to the table at the meeting include: lobbying for student housing, new renovations for the Maple building, advertisements for the CSU handbook agenda and an upcoming Mental Health Forum. Taylor Wilson, vice president of external relations, chaired the meeting due to the absence of Titus Gregory.

FROM L TO R: Alexis Morton, Stephanie Hahlen, Rhita Hassar and Matt Shepherd at the BCITMA competition.

@CAPILANOCOURIER

School survival guides to become obsolete Program to help transition first year students at CapU is now accepting proposals Therese Guieb EXECUTIVE NEWS EDITOR

Capilano University’s Strategic Academic Plan for 2015 to 2018 has dictated many changes in the school. New programs and construction processes are now well underway to fulfill the requirements of the plan. One of the programs that is being developed for launch in the fall of 2017 is the Cap Year Experience (CYE). The program is specifically for first-year students and offers interdisciplinary courses and opportunities to students for better engagement on campus. CYE also aims to help individuals transition into the

Subway celebrates first month in business Franchise location met with both excitement and criticism from campus Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Since bringing Subway to Capilano University’s Birch cafeteria last month, Chartwells has put its best footlong forward, ironing out all the usual kinks that come with opening a new franchise. “I’m really happy,” said Sidharth Mohan, director of food services for Compass Group Canada at CapU. “It’s a healthier option, plus it’s a value option so there’s a sub for $4, there’s a sub for $12 if you want it, like a footlong, one of the more expensive ones, so

/CAPILANOCOURIER

post-secondary environment. In the Oct. 28, 2015 issue of the Courier, an article titled “Program in development for first-year students” stated the framework of the program and the committee members who make up the CYE committee. After two months of consultation with faculty, administration, students and other institutions, the CYE has now reached the request for proposal (RFP) stage where faculty members are able to submit their suggestions for the program. An event was held this month to get the faculty members input on the CYE. “The collaboration was to have interested faculty who actually want to develop this program and submit a proposal and who want to eventually teach in this program together,” said Lydia Watson, CYE committee head and professor with the faculty of Global and Community Studies at CapU. From the event, a Moodle site was created to keep an open communication with the faculty and have additional research and information about the program available. Since the first CYE report was issued in June 2015, extensive research and discussion about the program’s requirements have been conducted continuously. Research is one of the biggest factors of the planning because it has given a framework for the

CYE committee on how first year experience (FYE) programs are being run. “It’s been really interesting to get a chance over the last four months to actually sit down and talk to people on the phone who are in Canada who are running FYE programs,” shared Watson. The post-secondary institutions that she has closely studied include: UBC, SFU, University of Toronto (U of T) and University of Northern BC (UNBC). Watson explained that these schools have FYE programs such as Science One and Arts One for UBC, Environment One for SFU and extensive FYE courses for U of T. However, these programs are not interdisciplinary courses which does not align with the CYE’s vision but still acts as a guideline for areas of planning for the program. UNBC’s FYE program, on the other hand, is much more in line with the CYE’s vision. “They have four interdisciplinary courses and their co taught so you’ve got someone form Political Studies for example, someone from Communications and English teaching one course,” she explained. “So their idea is take these courses and their integrated and it’s cohort based and their able to take several other courses that would lend themselves to kind of the theme of the program.”

something for every price point.” Students have been quick to criticize the new location, however, citing both its cost and efficiency as shortcomings. Stephanie Fowler took to Twitter to voice her concerns. “Why is the @SUBWAY at @CapilanoU more expensive than my work in Burnaby?!” she wrote on Jan. 12. A subsequent tweet highlighted her 20-minute wait time for a sandwich. She elaborated on her comments in a follow-up interview with the Courier. “I work right beside the Holdom Skytrain Station where there is a Subway,” she said. “I recently started this position, and have been quite mindful of where I am spending my money as I headed back to school in September. As such I made a strong mental note that the three categories of [six-inch] sandwiches were $4, $5, and $6, respectively. The Subway at Cap has the same three categories but with base prices of $4, $5.25 and $6.25.” In a reply to Fowler’s tweet, also dated Jan, 12, the University’s social media team explained that Capilano University’s Subway kiosk matches the company’s recommended

pricing. “So the Subway by my office chooses to charge less? Shouldn’t a university charge less for it’s students? $5 vs. $5.25,” Fowler countered. “Subway comes up with recommended pricing and then it’s up to franchisees… to set the prices,” explained Mohan. “We were given the recommended pricing and Mark [Clifford, director of contract services and capital planning] and Paul [Gruber, manager of purchasing] have spoken to a Subway rep as well; we went with the recommended pricing. Some franchisees may choose to go over that, some may choose to go under that depending on how busy it is or what kind of a location it is, but that pricing that you see on the board is recommended pricing. The [daily] specials are the same price. It’s only some subs that are like a quarter or 50 cents more.” The Courier visited four Subway locations in Burnaby and North Vancouver to compare menu prices, including the one at CapU. Here were our findings:

Watson noted that the FYE programs in Canada are in its early years, with UNBC just launched their program in 2012. As a result, Watson has looked in to other schools outside of the country such the University of South Carolina since FYE programs in the US have been around since 1990s. This extensive research will give the CYE committee the opportunity to also look at the success rate of FYE programs in other institutions. The CYE is not mandatory for all firstyear students and faculty members at CapU. Students have the opportunity to choose if they would like to be in the program as well as faculty members who would want to teach in it. As of now, the CYE is still in the RFP stage. “The plan is to have proposals in by mid-February and then the committee will then look at the proposal and then select a team who will then develop a Cap Year Experience,” said Watson. “That team would then ideally start work on it as early as March of this year and continue to work on it to the end of this year with hope to recruit and market it by the beginning 2017 and of course pilot it for the fall of 2017.” For more information on the CYE go to Capilanou.ca/about/strategic-planning/.

SELECT

SIGNATURE

PREMIUM

Cold Cut Combo, Ham, Pizza Sub with Cheese, Veggie Delite, Meatball Marinara

Tuna, Turkey B.M.T., Roast Beef, Turkey Breast and Ham

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki, Steak & Cheese, Subway Club, Oven Roasted Chicken

Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt

6-inch

4.00

12-inch

6-inch

7.00

12-inch

6.25

12-inch

5.25

12-inch

4.25

5.25

6.00

7.00

4.00

5.00

6.00

7.00

4.00

5.00

6.00

Park & Tilford Centre

Burnaby Heights

Brentwood Town Centre

7.50 7.25

7.00

8.50 8.25

8.00

9.50 9.00

9.00

SUB OF THE DAY

6-inch

10.50

4.00

12-inch

10.00

4.00

10.00

Unlisted

9.00

4.00

7.00 7.00

8.00

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO.16

CLASSIC

THE CAPILANO COURIER

Capilano University

@CAPILANOCOURIER

CAP YOU Put a ring on it Music therapy student melts hearts with public proposal Carlo Javier EXECUTIVE LIFESTYLE EDITOR

Athletes tend to have differing personas on Mid-December’s cold air didn’t matter much to Austen Renaud. On Dec. 18, Renaud, a graduating musical therapy student of Capilano University, took the love of his life to one of Vancouver’s treasured Christmas displays and asked her to marry him. She said yes. Although he collaborated well in advance with the people of St. Paul’s Lights of Hope to organize the surprise for his long-time girlfriend, Jocelyne Bonneau, a great part of him was still skittish. “I was definitely nervous,” he said. “I had some people at the hospital on standby to take photos, they were all rooting for me.”

Making a world of difference CapU grad travels the earth without the aid of motor transportation Carlo Javier EXECUTIVE LIFESTYLE EDITOR

All Renaud had to do was to show Bonneau a customized star at the very centre of the Lights of Hope’s designs, and unveil the ring he’d been keeping in his pocket. Then, he had to ask her the most important question of her life: “Will you marry me?” The two have been together for a long time. Originally from Windsor, Ontario, they first met at show that Renaud and his band were playing. He was only 15 years old. “We exchanged a handshake and then that was it,” Renaud recalled. “She ended up going to my high school and so I guess several months after that show, I spotted her at school so I go, ‘that’s the girl, from the show!’ and since then it was me trying to chase her down and convince her to let me take her on a date.” Renaud, now 26, and Bonneau, 24, moved to Vancouver last year. Celebrating Christmas festivities have become quite a tradition for the two, and the Lights of Hope display was one of the first exhibits they saw in their first Christmas together on the West Coast. “She fell in love with

it,” Renaud said. “I thought I’d take her back this year and sort of turned into an idea, maybe I could tie that in somehow to proposal. I contacted them, St. Paul’s was into it, and they were excited about and helped organize the whole thing.” According to Renaud, their engagement has set up an incredibly positive start to the New Year, and wedding plans are in full swing. The two recently drove to Whistler and have considered doing something up there. However, as much as they would love to get married during the exuberant summer sunshine, Renaud did admit that this summer is coming up too quickly, and that they may have to wait until the next one. “I would just do it tomorrow if I could,” he said. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Renaud has a few words of advice for those who might already be considering something for the one they love the most. “Life is short. If you’re madly in love with somebody and you’ve been through enough to know that its true love, then go for it. What are you waiting for?”

It took six years before the Capilano University graduate was finally able to start his plans. After all, circumnavigating the planet while following a route that will accumulate a total of 80,000 kilometres (twice the circumference of Earth) is no easy task — particularly when the expedition bars the use of any sort of motors. Pukonen isn’t shy to admit that the project was initially stalled by his lack of big expedition and filmmaking experience, and that the six years it took to get his plans off the ground were spent gaining that experience. During that time, he was able to take part in month-long expeditions across oceans, as well as completing CapU’s Documentary Film Production program. In July 2015, he finally went for it. “I may not have the perfect plan, or I may not [have got] the funding until I was a place where I didn’t want to do this anymore because I’d be too old, so I decided I’d just go for it,” Pukonen said. Currently in Kelowna, he will soon be crossing the Pacific Ocean, looking to land somewhere in Asia. However, his expedition isn’t entirely a mission of self-fulfilment. Pukonen is the driving force behind his organization, Routes of Change, and throughout his travels, he’ll be seeking stories, people and grassroots non-profit organizations that

could use as much support as they can get. He’ll be filming documentaries that centre on his adventures and along the way, he’ll share his experiences travelling motor-free, to help further educate the general public about ways to develop a sustainable planet. “I want to basically, get more people, the people who are not necessarily interested in environmental or social justice, I want to sort of slowly bring them around in realizing that the little things you do can have big effects,” he said. Thus far, Pukonen’s motor-free travels have already resulted in him using some odd and funky ways of getting around. He’s used multihull boats, rafted and even rode a pogo stick for about 10 kilometres. “I thought that it might be the stupidest thing I do,” Pukonen said about the pogo stick, “but I thought that it might also be the smartest thing I do, for the very sake that the media tends to latch to that.” Unsurprisingly, maintaining a high fitness level is one of the more significant elements of Pukonen’s expedition. “It’s physically demanding and grinding,” he admitted. Yoga and a healthy diet are important aspects of Pukonen’s preparation. He also enjoys surfing, particularly when the time permits. It’s also of note that the expedition itself acts

— ROUTESOFCHANGE.ORG

THE CAPILANO COURIER

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO. 16

Markus Pukonen had a ways to go – 30 kilometres, to be exact. It was getting darker and the metre-thick snow on the ground had dramatically slowed down his pace. He wasn’t getting any closer to his destination, but he sure was getting closer to throwing a sleeping bag and making camp at a ditch. Skiing over the Rocky Mountains was unforgiving, but Pukonen didn’t relent. He kept going, until he finally saw a light beaming from a nearby mountain resort. This has been the ongoing theme of the 33-year-old’s global trek. No matter the circumstance, he won’t resort to using any sort of motor or engine in his travels. His mission is unbreakable.

— JD PHOTOGRAPHY

as a form of training. As for his meals, Pukonen primarily carries lightweight food. He hasn’t had the opportunity to gather and forage food supplies from forests yet, particularly due to the limitations in resources that the winter weather provides him. One of the questions that’s often asked of Pukonen centres on his will to continue without giving in to the temptation of getting into a car, a bus or a cab. His answer is always the same. “I really do not struggle to find motivation to do what I’m doing. It’s exactly what I want to be doing on the planet right now, it’s what I love doing,” he said. “When time does get really tough and really hard, I have a way of appreciating that challenge.” Whether it’s an uphill snowy mountain, a rocky terrain or even an ocean, Pukenon’s motor-less travels will continue. He embraces every challenge presented to him and copping out has even become his greatest fear. The only motor he’s using throughout this global expedition is organic: it’s himself. Pukonen’s travels can be followed at Routesofchange.org, as well at his social media platforms such as Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram, all under the Routesofchange handle.

@CAPILANOCOURIER

/CAPILANOCOURIER

WOO-HOO, HITCHY WOMAN A misguided guide to popping the question on campus Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

A university campus may seem like a terrible place to ask for someone’s hand in marriage, but we at the Courier believe it’s an option worth considering. Capilano University boasts a variety of unique locations that would all serve as memorable places to pop the question. After all, there’s beauty to be found in the unexpected — and who would expect that a routine trip to the library could end in wedding bells? Sure, it’s not the breathtaking vista she (or he) probably has in mind, but real life doesn’t look like a snowy meadow or an Irish castle, now does it? Real life looks like CapU. In this misguided guide, we’ve worn our hearts on our sleeves, searching every corner of this campus for prime proposal spots.

THE MOVIE THEATRE IN BOSA THE NEARBY CEMETERY Well… You’ve been dying to pop the question, haven’t you? The North Vancouver Cemetery boasts a scenic setting in which to get the job done!

First, ask nicely to borrow the Capilano Student Union’s new state-of-the-art popcorn machine. Then, prepare yourself a big batch of the finest kernels Orville Redenbacher has to offer. The next thing you’ll be popping after that is “the question,” which you’ll do from the front row of a private movie theatre right here on campus. CapU’s Bosa Centre for Film and Animation boasts a 200-seat, high-definition, 3D cinema, and although nobody in that building has the time or social skills for much of a dating life, they’ll definitely be willing to show their support for yours. MOPA students are some of the nicest people on the planet and with very little convincing, they’ll secure the rights to your girl’s favourite movie and play it on the big screen in advance of your big proposal. All they’ll ask in return is that you star as an extra in their next project. Here’s hoping it’s not a porno!

— ANDREW PALMQUIST

THE WEST WALK TRAIL She’ll think you’re just walking to class, but really you’ve got a way better plan in store. Bonus points if you can train a squirrel to bring you the ring!

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THE CAFETERIA IN BIRCH Did someone say flash mob? CapU’s Acting for Stage and Screen students specialize in flash mobs. (Or, you could just stash the rock inside a Timbit.)

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THE NEIGHBOURHOOD PUB If it’s a bar star you’ve fallen in love with, then Seymour’s is your place! Freeze the ring into an ice cube to make her a Vodka Slime that lasts for life.

— ANDREW PALMQUIST

THE STAIRCASE IN FIR First, buy two dozen roses. Then, make a few large and legit-looking signs that read “DANGER: STAIRS CLOSED FOR REPAIRS. PLEASE USE ELEVATOR.” Put them on every exit in the Fir building. Then, sprinkle each tread with rose petals, leaving a trail to the solarium on the fourth floor. (Yes, there’s a solarium on the fourth floor.) That is where you’ll pop the question, because what self-respecting girl doesn’t love a solarium?! After she finishes her afternoon class, take your lover by the hand and lead her beyond the “DANGER” signs. Scale the stairs together, stopping only at the fourth floor where you’ll drop a knee and hand over the diamond. If she says “yes” and you both make it to the fifth floor without fainting then there may be hope for your marriage too. (This one only works if you’re athletic, though — otherwise, you’re going to be a pathetic pile of sweat and excuses by the time you get to the top and she’s going to want water way more than that ring you bought her.)

O P I NI O N S Primary drama shakes Trump and Clinton Late surge from Cruz and Sanders unsettling bigname frontrunners Kevin Kapenda OPINIONS EDITOR

After a year of debates and rallies, the race for the White House is set to officially begin this week. On Feb. 1, Democrats and Republicans in Iowa will head to the polls to pledge their state’s support to one of the candidates running for president. The Iowa Caucuses are the first primaries held every four years and are known for producing upsets. In the lead-up to Iowa, four candidates

from each of the two parties have begun to pull ahead in their respective races. Republican hopeful Ted Cruz is tied with Donald Trump for support, while Democratic favourite Hillary Clinton is in a similar deadlock with Bernie Sanders. Last-minute victories for Cruz and Sanders in Iowa would surely unsettle Clinton and Trump, who have dominated popular polling for months. Even though Clinton and Trump have different policies, they are very much alike with regard to fame and stature. Both of them are American royalty and have more name recognition than most of their challengers combined. While this can be an advantage in many situations, lately, powerful last names have become somewhat of a burden in American politics. Voters across the US are hungry for new ideas and accessible leaders. A smug billionaire and former First Lady turned Secretary of State don’t exactly fit those descriptions. Therefore, middle-America voters have gravitated towards Cruz and Sanders, two

passionate leaders who inspire those who have become disenchanted with ClintonBush establishment. Cruz and Trump are different in the sense that one of them is actually well-suited to be president. Cruz, who is a Harvard Law School graduate, has all the makings of a snobby politician, but couldn’t be more relatable to the average Republican voter. Furthermore, Cruz’s pool of voters is much larger than that of Trump’s due to his ability enough to cater to both moderates and conservatives. After months of being told he’s too undisciplined to become president, Cruz’s support is surging across red states with no end in sight. If the young senator does end up winning Iowa, it might be the beginning of the end for Trump and the circus he calls a campaign. Clinton, on the other hand, won’t be as shaken if she falls short to Sanders in Iowa. That’s because she’s still Hilary freakin’ Clinton after all. For her, losing Iowa won’t be as big of a deal as it will be for Sanders, if he wins on Monday night. A Sanders

victory in Iowa would demonstrate that he is capable of defeating Clinton at the ballot box, potentially luring more irritated Democrats into his camp. If Sanders does win on Monday, it would definitely put more pressure on Clinton to campaign more aggressively in the coming weeks. There is no doubt that Clinton and Trump are highly influential individuals in the worlds of US business and politics. However, both of them are simply too out of touch with voters who don’t own towers or receive Secret Service protection. Being the safest and smartest candidate is no longer cool anymore. Creative and kooky policies are in, and those traits lie with Cruz and Sanders. Let’s just hope that if Cruz and Sanders win Iowa, their support does not die there. It would be nice to see an American socialist and Canadian-born conservative (who’d have ever thought?) duke it out for the White House this November. Iowa Predictions: Cruz humbles Trump, while Clinton prevents a Sanders upset.

— ANGELA SCHMOLD

Forever alone

It’s not so bad… at least at first... Scott Barkemeyer

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CONTRIBUTOR

The weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day can be torturous. It’s basically an extended reminder that for those of us who are single – by choice, just not my choice – are missing out on regular activities that happen on the grand day of love. I tend to think of myself as a lone wolf. I’m an expert at doing things by myself, and that includes operating the soundboard during campus events and spending Valentine’s Day on my own. It’s not really so bad, you know? In fact, I’d even argue that it’s much better than having a date – even though, having that special someone for this special day is the sole point of celebrating. Let’s just say I’m fiscally responsible.

For those of you who are going to be spending this year’s Valentine’s on your own, don’t feel bad. There are reasons that pop up everyday that support the fact that Valentine’s is better spent on your own. After all, Justin Bieber didn’t sing “Love Yourself” for you to love someone else, did he?

PRIOR TO FEB. 8

You might get a slight annoyance while grocery shopping with all of those loveydovey chocolates Superstore has on their shelves. Look at the bright side: you don’t have to share shit.

FEB. 8

It’s Family Day!

FEB. 9

If it’s crossed your mind to ask somebody out for the big day, now’s the time to do it. Or just cross your mind entirely.

FEB. 10

Four days to go, but hey, at least you’re not worrying about where to book a reservation for.

FEB. 11

Not only do you not have the nuisance of finding a suitable restaurant that actually has a table available for you two. You also don’t have to buy a gift for anyone.

FEB. 12

Social media might be a problem here. Valentine’s is so very close so that means the Internet will be flooded with cupid wannabes and gag-inducing messages of love. If you wanted to blame social media for every issue in society then your Facebook and Twitter feeds are the only pieces of evidence that you’ll need.

FEB. 13

It is time to get all classical on this holiday. Time to make sacrifices to the Roman god Lupercus. This will give you a reason to purchase those overpriced stuffed teddy bears. Let us all ensure the harvest is good this year.

FEB. 14

Guess who doesn’t have any problems

finding a seat at a restaurant? You! By being on your own, you don’t have to deal with the nuisance of waiting hours for a seat for two. You can just sit at the bar and maybe get some face time from that hot bartender you’ve been stalking on Instagram. Who knows, they might be single as well. If you're working at least you should get some decent tips. Or you can get lucky and get the tip.

FEB. 15

This is the best time to grab those chocolates on sale. Grab as much as you can. Save some for Easter and Halloween, too. Yay for savings! So to all those who are flying solo this year, enjoy it. It is better than it appears from the outside. Valentine’s Day also doubles as Singles Awareness Day, and there’s no shame in celebrating that.

*Cries in the corner…

FE ATU R E S THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE SQUIRT Anna L. Beedes DAN SAVAGE WANNA-BE

Along with the legend of the phoenix, why the Leafs haven’t won the cup since ’67, and if O.J. is really guilty, female arousal is a topic shrouded in mystery. It was almost designed to be that way, as every vagina is like a Rubik’s Cube waiting to be solved. And while it can be daunting, time consuming and somewhat scary, all of that is trumped when it is mastered. So, to save you from asking your mom, I have scoured the Internet and talked to sex and intimacy coaches to de-cloud some of the mystery surrounding vaginas and how to make them happy.

LET’S TALK ABOUT THE BASICS:

Monica Geller on Friends pointed out that there are seven erogenous zones on the female body. Due to it being a family show, they were never disclosed, adding to that air of mystery. However, there are some basic arousal zones on every female. Disclaimer – this is only the blueprint. Try it out, and if she doesn’t seem that into it, ask her to be specific as to what she would like instead. Ease into things. Don’t try to push something up her butt because you saw a five-minute porn video where the girl seemed really into it. She was paid to seem really into it.

SQUIRT GUN:

Probably the most mysterious of legends surrounding vaginal lore is that of the female ejaculation. Girls can squirt too. I didn’t realize this until three years ago and I’m 29. That’s how uncommon it is. The reason it’s so rare is because it requires heavy stimulation of the G-spot, which can be harder to find than the goddam snitch in a game of Quidditch. It’s also easier to accomplish with experience. “It’s easier for an experienced woman because you are more relaxed down there, usually,” said Color. “It is easier after you’ve had a baby. Because the G-spot is on a little ledge and that little ledge gets hit and opened up with the baby’s head during labour.” The fluid itself is ejaculated from the Skeen gland, which is located behind the pubic bone. Color says the fluid itself is rather sweet, and water-like.

WASH YOUR HANDS:

You’re going to be going deep – like real deep – in there and the vagina is a delicate eco-system. Germs and vaginal walls don’t get along so well, so do her the courtesy of washing your hands like you’re going in for a surgical operation. If not, she might be stuck with the lingering smell of your taquitos.

CUT YOUR NAILS:

dirty talk is whispered into her ear followed by a lick or a slight suckle on the ear lobe. This is a good place to start on a girl – start at the top, and work your way down, licking it like you would a dripping ice cream cone.

Long nails are dangerous in such a delicate place. Ramming jagged nails into the most delicate part of the female anatomy is not a good idea. According to one YouTube teacher, he has ended up in the emergency room more than once because he forgot to trim. Worse for him, his dad was the doctor on duty that night. Don’t be like him. If you’re really committing to this, maybe get a pedicure that afternoon.

NIPPLES: Nipples are like golf — you have

BE PATIENT:

EARS: A motor gets a running when some

to play the course you’re on. Some girls can get their jollies off just by having their nipples sucked on like they’re Sour Soothers and others never want them to be touched. So try it. If you get a slap in the face, don’t do it again. If she really likes it, pour some sugar on them and lick away.

CLITORIS: As a friend of mine, who had been

PUBIC HAIR:

As Color says, ejaculation is a physical response to stimulation, and is possible for every women, whether she has experienced it or not. However, it can be quite uncomfortable if she doesn’t want that kind of stimulation. “So a lot of men go out there and learn techniques, put finger A here and finger B here and do this and do C, D, and E, and she will ejaculate and that is true because it is a physical response, but the actual idea of sex, which is lost on a lot of people these days, is pleasure,” she said. “I want people to have more than technique and to go into a place of pleasure.”

DON’T BE A DICK: Sex is intimidating,

especially if you’re new to the world of erotic stimulation. Don’t make your lover feel inadequate with some off-hand comment or shitty joke that only makes you laugh, especially if you’d like to continue going to the bed spring orchestra with her. Women are creatures of comfort, and unbeknownst to most people, there is a reason they tell all of their friends about romantic lovers in great detail, to the point where it is potentially annoying. See, in the female mind, the more times they tell someone about a love

Amy Color can be reached at AmyColor.com and is able to answer any questions related to vaginas, relationships or intimacy.

When you’re searching for the squirt, patience is key, especially if your partner is among the majority of girls that have never squirted before. Squirting is one of those things that become easier with practice. So if this is the first time, be okay with the fact that it just might not happen, and commiserate by reciting the ABC’s to the little guy in the canoe. Satisfaction guaranteed.

PEE BEFORE: Because the area is going to

be experiencing extreme stimulation, the lady can feel like she desperately has to pee, and it can become uncomfortable. “Urinate before you have sex,” instructed Color. “Urinate beforehand so you know that you are empty.” Color also suggests putting down a towel on the bed to make the lady feel more comfortable with the idea of getting a little nasty. “Sex isn’t always pretty. If you’re in that position where you are having sex with them, you should be open to allowing yourself to feel that pushing feeling,” said Color.

GET COMFORTABLE:

What arouses some people can repulse others and vice versa. Dr. Renee Lanctot, a doctor of sexology and sex education teacher, suggests being open to finding out what excites you, and then use that to enhance the chance of your orgasms. “Let’s say you masturbate and you need to

— BRENNA MACKINDER

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This one is not an obvious arousal zone, but according to Amy Color, a Vancouver-based intimacy coach, this area is definitely underrated when it comes to feeling comfortable with a lover. “Your pubic hair has nerve endings on it,” she explained. “Your pubic hairs smell each other. Pubic hairs have a lot of purpose and everybody is shaving them off and then people are having intimacy issues and can’t feel connected and they can’t understand why.” There has never been a better case for rocking a 70s bush.

ENSURE ECSTASY:

interest or crush, the more their mind feels comfortable with that person, and the higher the chance they will reach an orgasm when between the sheets with that person. If you have a sexual habit that one of your partners rejects, don’t let that discourage you either. “It’s all about what makes you feel good and how much you can accept it,” said Lanctot. “If it doesn’t work with one of your partners, trust me, there is going to be 100 more that would love to experience that with you.” Color has a personal mantra and philosophy that she uses in her approach to sex. “If you’re seeing it, you better be appreciating it. If you’re not appreciating it, just stop and go away,” she said. “That’s how I feel about my jiggles, pubic hair, stretch marks, queefing, all of it. If you got to hear what it sounds like when I have a pussy fart then you better be appreciating it. If you get to see what I look like jiggling from that angle, you best be appreciating it.” A general rule of thumb, as preached by love expert extraordinaire Dan Savage, is to follow the campsite rule. Every campsite should be left cleaner and better when you leave it. And every lover should be more comfortable with themselves and with sex after you’ve been with them. If you do this properly, your lover’s next conquest should have an easier time flooding the basement than you did. And that’s a good thing.

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having sex for nearly 20 years, told me last year, “It’s all about that little man in the canoe. If you play with the canoe, she won’t care about anything else. It’s all about that little dude.” It took him two decades to figure that out. Everything important is up top. Remember that when getting down to that part of the ice cream cone.

have somebody put their wet finger in your ear and that increases you arousal and makes you come faster, then by all means, do it. If it takes you away from your journey to your orgasm, don’t do it. It’s whatever makes you feel good. It’s accepting your body,” she said. “It’s your body. Give it pleasure the way you want to.”

HOW OUR GENERATION IS GETTING THE G Christine Beyleveldt CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT

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While the rest of the world celebrates Saint Valentine with little cupids, roses and flutes of champagne, those of us in singledom might find ourselves contemplating a different way to celebrate the cheesy holiday. A romp between the sheets — or pressed up against the shower wall or backseat of an old pickup truck, depending on your preference — could be more appealing than crying into a bucket of ice cream. The most romantic day of the year can be hard for those without a partner, but defining a partner is a tricky thing to do. More 20-somethings are opting for liaisons than boyfriends or girlfriends these days, because it implies a sense of adventure and non-commitment. A friendship with benefits holds appeal when one isn’t looking to settle down with a long-term partner, but shagging a total stranger in the dark corners of a seedy nightclub is enough to send shivers down your spine. “You trust this person, so you feel safe,” one Capilano University student reported anonymously. “In the meantime you don't have to worry about a serious relationship and commitment, which is ideal when you're young and not ready.” In the movies, friends with benefits are typically depicted as two pre-existing friends who become intimate without any emotional expectations. But there’s also the long-standing hookup, in which partners barely know one another but have intercourse on several occasions, and the backup plan, where partners agree to satisfy each other when they can’t find a more desirable option for the evening. Using

casual sex to transition out of a relationship is another common definition, and arguably the one with the biggest potential for baggage. A friendship with benefits is a looselydefined relationship, and everyone has a different take on the way partners should interact with each other. It all depends on the kind of attachment partners are hoping for. “But when looking at attachment in that kind of complex consideration, you can see that there are some people who would be more likely to be open to or engaged in casual sex,” explained CapU psychology instructor, Jessica Stanley. “So for them it might be about an emotional bond, or it might be about a sexual connection.” It’s up to an individual to decide what they value, and therefore what the relationship will mean.

To get an understanding of this complex relationship, the Courier conducted a survey of 85 students, 85 per cent of whom were between the ages of 18 and 25. Participants were asked whether they had engaged in a purely sexual relationship at any point in the past, and whether they were interested in pursuing one in the future. Half of all respondents said that they had had a friendship with benefits before, and half were interested in having such a relationship in the future, whether or not they had had one before. While less than half of female respondents were generally open to the idea of friends with benefits, two to three times as many male respondents expressed their interest in having a purely sexual relationship. In fact, out of the entire survey only seven males clearly said no, their main reasons being the lack of intimacy involved, or previous experiences gone awry. Participants were asked to describe what they would most like or dislike out of the arrangement. The majority of respondents reported just sex, or only fantastic sex, as being the primary benefit of the relationship. Other responses varied to include a deeper emotional connection with one’s friend, a sense of trust, the ability

to fulfill one another’s curiosity safely, the carefree attitude that could be adopted by both parties to make the experience nothing more than pure enjoyment and even having the opportunity to practise one’s skills in the sheets. “It's like being in a relationship without having to share one’s emotions,” one respondent reported. “There doesn't seem to be anything not to enjoy about such a scenario.” Most respondents were enthusiastic about the casual side of the affair, saying that it left more room to focus on oneself rather than having to share everything with a committed partner. “[You get] the companionship without the commitment,” said one participant. When asked about the flip side and the negatives of engaging in a purely physical relationship, some respondents emerged from the woodwork and opened up about their personal experiences. “You could lose your best friend,” revealed one participant. “I used to think [friends with benefits] is possible but it isn't, unless you literally never see each other or talk but for sex.” That’s when several participants noted the appeal of the long-standing hookup – having regular sex with an acquaintance rather than a friend could never put a preexisting relationship, even one without underlying romance, in jeopardy. “He was a shitty person,” another put simply. Thirty-five per cent of respondents stated outright that the biggest pitfall to such a relationship would be to develop feelings that aren’t reciprocated. Even though the whole process is in theory meant to be casual fun, it often results in heartbreak. “At some point we all crave true intimacy,” wrote one participant. “Every time you have sex with that person you become bonded with them and it would get harder and harder to pull apart each time.” Of course, a case of feelings aren’t the only things to watch out for. Lice and crabs, among other nasty infections, circulate quickly when one person may have multiple friends with benefits, not to mention the possibility of a baby. “Jealousy is the biggest issue, but there are safety concerns when it comes to your partner having more than one partner, especially if they aren't communicating that clearly or aren't taking precautions,” said one respondent.

One trend that emerged from the survey was the tendency for younger people to opt to engage in a casual relationship, while respondents over the age of 25 were twice as likely to show disinterest. “We

GOODS WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRIEND ZONE are built on the premise that neither partner will expect a progression into something more. However, nothing is foolproof — not this and not birth control. An underlying rule is that neither person will expect any emotional availability from their partner outside of the bedroom. Post-coitus cuddling is discouraged because it’s usually after sex when couples burrow into each other’s arms that bonding occurs. “It can go wrong in the situation where one person is really seeking a long-term commitment and the other one’s not interested,” said Stanley. Keeping one’s emotions in check might relieve stress and open up space for more fun in the bedroom, but over a period of time increased feelings of desire, jealousy or longing sometimes arise, even if activities that promote bonding, such as spending quality time together or cuddling, are avoided. “Whether you’re hooking up or actually dating, ‘the feels’ never seem to be a good thing because, let’s face it, whoever cares less has the upper hand,” wrote Dance. We go to such extraordinary measures to prevent ourselves from getting wounded that numbness sets in. Some people are able to create that emotional disconnect, but having to pretend that you don’t care can be mentally draining. Why some people are able to engage in casual sex while others can’t without developing “the feels” isn’t hardwired into our genetic makeup, it’s built into our personalities. “We are our brains, and to the extent that brains determine personality is not entirely known. We are also our experiences and the combination of all those things, so your approach to romantic relationships is [determined] by your history,” remarked Stanley. “Personal values play a huge role, and religious beliefs can play a huge role, so it’s not a simple oneto-one relationship, but attachment style may have an influence.”

Sex, or more importantly orgasms, affects one’s brain chemistry in much the same way as eating chocolate or cuddling. When one experiences intense pleasure, oxytocin – also known as the love drug – is released into the bloodstream. Although, according to the Daily Mail, men generally release dopamine instead of oxytocin during orgasm, meaning that they experience intense pleasure without the urge to bond. Alternatively, women release copious amounts of oxytocin every time they feel pleasured, likely explaining why they are

more likely to attach significance to their sexual partners. This isn’t true of everyone, however. A number of the women surveyed said they would be able to engage in a purely sexual relationship without growing attached to their partners — about 40 per cent, while male participants claimed they were less likely to develop feelings for their booty call over a period of time. Though it’s interesting to note that fewer than half of the women who had confidence in their ability to withhold emotions were speaking from experience on the matter. In order to avoid developing unwanted feelings, most couples suggest refraining from acts such as heavy kissing or cuddling. Others pull themselves back by cutting communication, save for the occasional text to arrange for a time and place to hook up. Spending quality time together is discouraged, as is all meaningful chatter. Discussing anything other than recent or upcoming carnal activities that delve into the other person’s character is not, strictly speaking, the best way to keep an emphasis off of the emotional aspect of the arrangement. Many women even suggest keeping a number of friends with benefits, because you are far less likely to grow attached to one when other partners distract you. The relationship isn’t supposed to be exclusive, and jealousy typically crops up when one partner begins reaching out while the other remains committed, so it’s best to beat them to the punch and do some exploring of your own. Although they may seem like it, friendships with benefits are never ideal in the long term. “Sex is meant to be an emotional thing,” one participant disclosed, “and when you create a disconnect in your head between sex and emotions, it begins to make you feel empty inside. You're giving a little piece of yourself away each time.” While it’s liberating and even exciting to explore one’s sexuality without becoming entangled in unnecessary emotions or drama, in the end science is always right, and you can’t walk away unscathed.

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do see a significant generational switch here,” said Stanley. “We are seeing a considerable degree of openness to casual sex relationships and in fact it’s becoming increasingly normative among young adults in North America. It’s a marked shift of acceptance of casual sex or uncommitted sex.” A large part of this extends from media portrayal of casual sex, normalising or even glamourising the lifestyle. At college-age, one is disinclined to settle with just one person over an extended period of time because the routine becomes boring, and there’s nothing quite like an alternative set of peachy labia to spice up one’s love life. According to Thought Catalogue writer Charlie Dance, “When people are young, dumb, hormonal and have plenty of options, cheating is a pretty common thing.” That’s if you and your partner actually constitute an exclusive relationship. “There are some people who chose to engage in casual sex relationships who are what we call secure – perfectly comfortable being vulnerable and close in romantic relationships and are quite confident in that they feel valuable enough to be loved, but at that moment of time in their life they’re not seeking a committed relationship and they choose to engage in a casual sex arrangement,” said Stanley. It all depends on a person’s needs. Some people are more sexually voracious than others and value physical pleasure over the bubbly feeling of being in love, while for others the emotional imprint of a partner is more important. “So in all it’s not inherent to insecurity and attachment,” Stanley explained. Just because romantic love and semantics aren’t in play doesn’t necessarily mean that the arrangement is an unhappy one. “Being in a long term committed romantic relationship that involves sex could be equally unsatisfying as a shortterm hookup orientation.” The perk of being friends with benefits is that it can feel like a relationship, without the drama when a girl catches her man eyeing a cute brunette or vice versa, or having to sit through torturous family dinners like they’re police interrogations. “You have an established relationship in that situation, you’re already friends,” said Stanley. So you have some sense of security in knowing your partner quite well already. “You know you may be less susceptible to a sexual assault or physical assault in that situation but you may be more emotionally wounded that this friend of yours, that relationship or that dynamic went badly,” she said. Most friends with benefits arrangements

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— SYD DANGER

CALENDAR

01 MONDAY

03 WEDNESDAY

05 FRIDAY

07 SUNDAY

09 TUESDAY

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TUESDAY

13 THURSDAY

TANTRIC MASSAGE ON MEN THE ART OF LOVING

7:30 PM • $25 The folks at Art of Loving have outdone themselves again with another evening of bedroom-based education and entertainment for couples and loner creeps. Among other things, this event offers, “Tips on the fine points of male genital massage, on ways to cultivate trust and intimacy, and on the simple sensual accessories that are sure to stir his passion.”

BLACK SABBATH: THE END ROGERS ARENA

7:30 PM • $49.50-$150 People are always really impressed when they learn that Tony Iommi is missing most of a finger. (“But he’s sooooo good,” they marvel.) So how come nobody says a damn thing about Black Sabbath’s lead singer, Ozzy Osbourne? The dude is missing all but three of his brain cells and he still manages to get the job done. Can we agree that they’re both amazing?

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG MICHAEL J. FOX THEATRE

8 PM • $15-$37.50 Apparently, this was a 1968 British musical film about a family and their beloved old car, but I don’t believe it for a second. Not only does the name Chitty Chitty Bang Bang sound really explicit, but the lead actor was Dick van Dyke. If that doesn’t sound like something you’d be afraid to look up on the campus WiFi then I don’t know what does.

WINTER FARMERS MARKET HASTINGS PARK

10 AM • FREE PARKING Winter might just be my favourite season for produce, and the Hastings Park Farmers Market certainly didn’t disappoint when I paid a recent visit. Squash, root vegetables and leafy greens were all in abundance at the PNE fairgrounds, along with the most perfect looking kiwis I’ve ever seen — grown in Abbotsford of all places. Support your local kiwi farmer!

ADAM SANDLER AND FRIENDS PARAMOUNT THEATRE (SEATTLE)

7:30 PM • $66-$96

This event is for former Courier queen, Leah Scheitel. Skip your classes and head down to Seattle’s Paramount Theatre to see former Saturday Night Live stars Adam Sandler, Norm MacDonald, David Spade and Rob Schneider all on one stage together! Or, if you hate all four of these guys, consider this a PSA telling you exactly where not to go on Feb. 9.

DANCES FOR SMALL STAGE 33 THE ANZA CLUB

8 PM • $25

This intimate dance performance captures the many sides of love, including those you won’t find in a sappy Hallmark card. Local dance superstars Josh Beamish, Naomi Brand, Diskordanse, Karen Flamenco, Hannah Henney, Jennifer Mcleish-Lewis, Hardeep Singh Sahota and Lesley Telford will all be in attendance. Bonus points if you’ve heard of any of them before!

SHOW OF HEARTS TELETHON HARD ROCK CASINO/THE CENTRE

ALL DAY • $ - DIG DEEP

BC’s beloved Show of Hearts telethon returns for its 50th year in support of Variety—The Children’s Charity. They used to broadcast the whole thing live from the Queen Elizabeth Theatre back in the 80s and 90s but stopped because it got way too expensive. This year, they’ve gone back to their roots with a mega-concert that features several BC legends.

02 TUESDAY

04 THURSDAY

06 SATURDAY

08 MONDAY

WEDNESDAY

14 FRIDAY

DAVID CROSS VOGUE THEATRE

7 PM • $45 + SC He’s probably best known as Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development but did you know that David Cross was the first investor in Kickstarter back in 2006? He was. Anyhow, the Atlanta native will be in Vancouver for the Just For Laugh’s NorthWest Comedy Fest, one of 55 dates on his Making America Great Again! tour. Somehow that slogan sounds familiar…

NATIONAL SWEATER DAY CAMPUS-WIDE

ALL DAY • $ - A JACKET/SCARF COMBO Every office has that one person who’s freezing cold all the time, whimpering next to the thermostat while their coworkers risk heat stroke just to keep the peace. In our office, that person is Christine. She’s going to hate this event, during which CapU’s facilities department will lower the heat by two degrees to raise awareness around energy use.

CELSO MACHADO PYATT HALL

7 PM • $20-$35 I’ve seen Brazilian guitarist, percussionist and multiinstrumentalist, Celso Machado, perform once before. He was amazing. If I remember correctly, he played an entire song using nothing but a microphone stand and the natural pitches created by its various parts. I tried it myself a few weeks later and got booed off the stage. Maybe a karaoke bar wasn’t the best venue…

BOOM ARTS CLUB GRANVILLE ISLAND STAGE

7:30 PM • $29-$49

Canadian actor Rick Miller crams 25 years of history into 100 minutes with his one-man show, BOOM. Using a documentarylike style, he explores all of the life-changing events and iconic figures that arose during the Baby Boomer era and impacted the formative years of those who grew up in post-war times. The critics have been losing their shit over this. Just go.

VALENTINE’S COUPLES COOKING CLASS THE UNCOMMON CAFÉ

6 PM • $70

Just in time for your Valentine’s Day needs, local cooking school Tartine and Maple is helping to demystify French classics such as tarte flambé, amoniere de saumon and lava cake. (If only one of those things was remotely comprehensible to you then you probably need this class…) Registration includes a savoury snack, three courses and a couple glasses of vino.

A PIZZA ART SHOW HOT ART WET CITY

7 PM • $ - UNKNOWN Vancouver’s iconic Pizza Punks zine has teamed up with local gallery Hot Art Wet City for a celebration of all things pizza — pizza paintings, pizza drawings, and even pizza to eat on this particular evening. The show runs from Feb. 11 to 27, featuring the work of dozens of local artists. I wonder what kind of pizza they’re going to get. Fingers crossed for Fatih’s!

MY PURPLE VALENTINE BILTMORE CABARET

9 PM • $12-$15

This isn’t your average Valentine’s Day event, but then again this isn’t your average calendar either. Seattle burlesque superstar Iva Handfull will be in town, dancing to Prince’s greatest hits played live on stage by the Hot & Heavy Band. The night also features Frankie Faux, Burgundy Brixx, Audrey Hipturn, Voracious V, Rebel Valentine and Jenny Magenta. Wear purple!

SHORTS VALENTINE’S PLAYLIST: FROM 2015/2016 CANADIAN ALBUM RELEASES

“COMPANY” JUSTIN BIEBER, PURPOSE

Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

“MAKE U MINE” YUKON BLONDE, ON BLONDE

The sixth track on Bieber’s November 2015 album, Purpose, hits the mark for everything you’d want in a makeout song. It’s clubby but not too clubby, offering plenty of breaks to stop and catch your breath amidst the electronic hand claps, oscillating synths and mid-tempo beats.

It’s actually crazy how close Yukon Blonde came to Chromeo’s turf with this catchy new track. The bouncy bass line, sexy guitar slides, prominent synths, slinky melody and glottal vocals are all a dead ringer for the Montreal duo. And once you hear the triangle in the mix, it’s game over.

“THE WAIT” TOBIAS JESSO JR., GOON

Over a steady, slapping backbeat, The Weeknd coos some tender phrases (“Show me your broken heart and all your scars / Baby I’ll take you as you are”) alongside his usual shameless advances (“We can sex all night.”) The track’s production blends seamlessly into an ambient outro.

This is a song about going after your crush, offering them your entire self but not quite knowing if you’ll get something in return. Distorted vocals deliver a peppy melody that’s soon doubled by guitar, rhythmic shots and hints of Farfisa organ. By the end you’ll be pirouetting around the room!

On an album crafted predominantly from detuned acoustic piano numbers, it’s refreshing to hear the cheery patter of fingerpicked guitar. Short and sweet, “The Wait” has a definite Beatles aesthetic, not unlike “Without You,” another of Jesso’s standout tracks that features Danielle Haim on drums.

“TANGLED” GAY NINETIES, LIBERAL GUILT

“WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES” JOEL PLASKETT, THE PARK AVENUE SOBRIETY TEST

“WANNA WANNA” DEAR ROUGE, BLACK TO GOLD

“ALL THE MORNING” MIKE EDEL, INDIA, SEATTLE

Prepare to have your heart melted by a wistful and perfectly-crafted folk song. The chorus (“You are in my head, you are in the drivers seat, I’d follow your love down a deadend street. / I would live life blind, I would tell you lies, just to hear your voice when I close my eyes”) is simply a masterpiece.

A solid hi-hat groove and jangly electric guitar breathes much life into the fifth track on Peak Performance Project 2012 winners Dear Rouge’s much-anticipated debut album, Black to Gold. Extra points to vocalist Danielle McTaggart, whose phrasing gives off major Katy Perry vibes.

The opening track on Mike Edel’s 2015 release is a bit more electric than the others, with an alt-country sound complete with slide guitar, a few Stratocasters and ambient noises that pant away in the background. “You were all the morning meant to me,” he wails throughout, and we think that’s sweet.

“Tangled” evokes a classic R&B vibe with sophisticated chords, vintage instrumentation and a bass/drum groove that just won’t quit. A reverb-soaked Fender Rhodes piano twinkles away underneath Parker Bossley’s breathy vocals, modernized by a little fuzz and just enough noise.

“LOVE” LAILA BIALI AND THE RADIANCE PROJECT, HOUSE OF MANY ROOMS On this record, jazz songstress Laila Biali dabbles in quirky indie-pop. Punchy piano chords evoke the style of singer-pianists Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles, while the harmonies and breezy subject matter of “Love” just reek of Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat’s 2008 collaboration, “Lucky.”

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO.16

“YOU HAVE ME” THE ELWINS, PLAY FOR KEEPS

THE CAPILANO COURIER

“AS YOU ARE” THE WEEKND, BEAUTY BEHIND THE MADNESS

ARTS & CULTURE The miracles of aphrodisiacs Foods to fuel the sexual appetite in your partner Dinah Azage CONTRIBUTOR

We’ve all stooped so low as to question the sex drive of a lover at some point or another. You lay in bed baffled by his inability to get as stiff as a cucumber, and you feel desperate. What will rouse the wild beast from within? What will fuel an unforgettable night of passion? What will get him going when the going gets tough? Food, that’s what. There are dozens of foods that serve as natural aphrodisiacs in their own unique way. Here, we’ve listed five of them and explained exactly how

In your arms The relief that only cuddling can provide Christine Beyleveldt CAMPUS CORRESPONDENT

THE CAPILANO COURIER

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO. 16

Marylen Reid used to be a lawyer, but she’s spent the last year and two months cuddling. “My firm [was] not the friendliest or the warmest, and, you know, I was just noticing that people lack a good connection… I needed touch when I was stressed out,” she explained. In a fast-paced and austere environment, touch became something that was vital for Reid at the end of her day — more of a necessity than pleasure. And that’s how the Cuddlery began, the Canada-wide professional cuddling service she founded last December.

That warm fuzzy feeling you get from being entwined in someone else’s arms is oxytocin coursing through your bloodstream, alternatively known as the love hormone for its ability to make partners bond, as well as boost health and happiness. Sex itself isn’t enough to connect two people on an emotional level. It happens in the phase of post-coitus cuddling when the heart rate slows and the hormone excretes. “You can cuddle as sexual arousal but what we’re offering is totally another experience,” explained Reid, “because when you cuddle without the possibility of having sex then it’s more hormones in the brain that are toward relaxation rather than excitement.” Any form of light touch is enough to

they might be able to help you find the sexual satisfaction you’ve been longing for.

CHOCOLATE Ah, chocolate. That sweet sensation on your tongue when you take that first bite. The warm feeling that lingers afterwards. "Chocolate has natural serotonin; you naturally get happy when you eat chocolate,” explained Alyssa Bauman, a Vancouver-based nutritionist, health consult and founder of Nourished.ca. “When you get the feel-good feeling you tend to be more prominent to pleasure.”

MACA POWDER For centuries, Maca powder has had the reputation of being a powerful aphrodisiac. It is brimming with minerals like zinc and iodine, which balance sex hormones and mood, making arousal easier to achieve. Bauman swears by this ingredient. "I put it in my smoothies,” she said. “It is espresso-filled and increases your libido.”

release small doses of the hormone. If you have a sore neck and you rub it, it starts to feel good because the stimulation releases oxytocin. Alternatively, cuddling is social. Just like you can’t tickle yourself, cuddling is most effective with a partner because it makes a person feel warm, safe and happy. Touch also helps to lower blood pressure and decrease cortisol – also known as the stress hormone – and therefore balances out one’s system by decreasing stress while simultaneously promoting that warm fuzzy feeling. Reid explained that she uses different techniques to make a client feel secure and happy during a session. “We have cuddling techniques, so it’s really important because so many people think anyone can cuddle and everyone cuddles the same way.” Cuddling involves an array of techniques used to soothe clients and to provide affection, support or wellbeing. Sympathy is a characteristic looked for in professional cuddlers, as is patience and tolerance. “So basically if someone needs to have a shoulder to cry on, we’re there. We offer active listening, we’re non-judgemental,” explained Reid, “so we want people who are caring and can actually really have sympathy, so the person feels that we care for them.” Others are looking for affection and just want to be held. Affection can also be displayed through hugging, rubbing or stroking and handholding. Support and wellbeing require not only a human touch, but also a sympathetic ear in most cases. At the end of a tiresome day, a lot of couples come home to each other and complain about their stress, but even more effective than communication and active listening is cuddling. Even 10 minutes of it can reduce cortisol levels drastically. “What I love the most about this job — and I think it’s the best job in the world when you have great clients — is you see the clients coming in your office and when the clients leave they’re almost another person, like they feel more relaxed,” said Reid. “Another thing is that I feel privileged because a stranger shares their vulnerability. If two people are open at the same time, the connection is so powerful and so true. That, for me, it’s really powerful.”

OYSTERS Undoubtedly the number one cliche among aphrodisiacs, oysters are packed with zinc, a mineral that fuels testosterone levels which regulate sex hormones and semen production. The seductive way oysters are eaten comes into play as well. Slurping one down while signalling those sex eyes may soon have you skipping dessert and heading straight for the sheets.

BANANAS Besides their phallic resemblance to a penis, bananas are rich in potassium, which is key to delivering muscle strength and can help fuel exceptional, intensified orgasms. You’re welcome, ladies!

POMEGRANATES

history lesson, pomegranates are high in antioxidants which boost blood flow, increasing genital sensitivity and giving you the power in your hands. With a bit of research and a few extra minutes in the grocery store, you and your partner could be well on your way to bedroom bliss. However, Bauman is quick to point out that time and setting are other major factors to consider. As sexy as bivalve molluscs truly are — barring any allergic reactions, of course — they’re no match for a poor location or an inopportune time. "Definitely everything is relative,” she said. “If you’re in jail and you’re eating oysters you won't be in the mood because you won't have a sexual partner. It depends on what the situation is."

The mythological Greek goddess Aphrodite was said to have planted the first pomegranate tree, its many seeds symbolizing fertility and abundance. Whether or not you believe that little

— —ANNIE ANNIECHANG CHANG

@CAPILANOCOURIER

Talk dirty to me

@CAPILANOCOURIER

/CAPILANOCOURIER

concept of dirty talk in the bedroom then it is best to start small, and at both people’s level of comfort. "You can start off slowly and then add increments. Start with making moan or ground sounds, and then turn it into one or two words and then a sentence telling them what feels good. It eases into the concept and invites for more erotic talk. Tone is equally important and more about how you say it and not about what you're saying. Keep it slow and sexy." The Art of Loving has become known for

its classes on the subject, held right in the store after hours. "I host the dirty class every other month or so,” said Zyla. "The last one I did in November had couples, single men and single women. There is various exercises that we do that are fun and help people get over the shyness of saying something sexy.”

set to the Righteous Brothers’ version of “Unchained Melody” — but that’s for another article. This Valentine’s Day, why not try fencing, which is basically stabbing the one you love with a real sword. (What fun!) La Salle Fencing Club and Studio hosts classes four days a week at their space on Commercial Drive. “We offer regular adult beginner classes every Tuesday evening, [and these classes] are often attended by friends and couples, since it’s a fun activity to do together,” said instructor Morgan Burke. “The current January to March beginner class has about 15 people in it.” Showing up in comfortable clothing, you get to learn the art of fencing and the different techniques: “footwork and distance control, offence, defence, and the fundamentals of scoring and refereeing,” according to Lasallestudio.com. “We also do private lessons, and sometimes do private lessons for couples. A private ‘crash course’ lesson is typically one to two hours long, with the last part devoted to free fencing,”

explained Burke. “How romantic that is depends on how the couple feels about hitting each other with swords.” To finish off the night, there’s no better way than a Chocolate tasting class at Xoxolat, located in Vancouver’s Yaletown district. According to its website, Xoxolat. com, “XOXOLAT is a chocolaterie devoted to educating the palate, stimulating the intellect and challenging the epicurious by providing the palette for both the novice and the connoisseur to explore.” Chocolate is a well-known aphrodisiac and Xoxolat offers classes to learn about the plant and the process that it takes to make chocolate, from bean to bar. “We have two features to offer,” said owner and chocolatier Hodie Rondeau. “Chocolate Tasting 101, [which is] learning how and where cocoa beans are grown and who turns them into chocolate, similar to grapes and good wine. We teach about savouring rather than devouring. [As well, we have] Chocolate and Whiskey pairings.” Xoxolat imports chocolates from

25 different countries, and therefore is an opportunity to taste and learn to differentiate the various notes of chocolate. Try something new, such as the dark chocolate with tortilla chips and lime, or the deep milk chocolate with maple caramelized bacon bits with a touch of espresso, called the Westcoast Breakfast. If you’re not into fencing and you don’t like chocolate (although if it’s the latter, you should probably stay single) there’s always pottery after all. There are plenty of options to choose from, such as Claytek Studios, located in False Creek at Stamp’s Landing, where a little more dedication is necessary. Sessions run over a six-week period and there’s an unlimited number of drop-ins. “No experience [is] necessary,” says instructor Raya Latham, and according to Claytekstudio.com, “you will learn the basics of potting: preparing clay and how to centre it, the basic shapes such as bowls and cylinders.” If you ask nicely, they might even put on the Righteous Brothers for a little ambiance.

Meals for the morning after

BON’S OFF BROADWAY

JETHRO’S FINE GRUB

CAFÉ MEDINA

(2451 NANAIMO ST.)

(3420 DUNBAR ST. OR 3455 FRASER ST.)

(780 RICHARDS ST.)

Our top three breakfast picks in Vancouver, according to how your night went

GO HERE IF: You’ve spent way too much

GO HERE IF: You tried butt stuff, you’re

GO HERE IF: You’ve banged Martha

money already but you still want a great breakfast.

really sore now and you’d prefer not to shit for a week.

Stewart, fallen head over heels and this is your life now.

The decor at Bon’s can only be described as ‘used condom-meets-heavily vandalized overpass’ but that’s exactly what gives this greasy spoon it’s undeniable charm. For only $2.95 you can get a full breakfast — and a hot, delicious one at that — which includes eggs, bacon, potatoes and toast. Service is dodgy, the bathrooms are morbid and coffee refills are a serve-yourself operation, but don’t let that keep you away.

Jethro’s is owned by two former caterers who used to cook up grub for the likes of Fleetwood Mac, Rob Zombie and Linkin Park. Now they run their own joint from two popular locations. The menu includes everything from gigantic pancakes served on platters, to specialties like alligator nuggets and Nutella French Toast. There’s also the delicious Cowboy’s Breakfast with chorizo, chili hash browns and cornbread, which sits obediently in your stomach for days.

Medina is the perfect mix of class and comfort, with a popular downtown location that boasts a steady lineup on even the rainiest of weekdays. Everything they serve looks straight out of a magazine, as if it was vetted by a small team of food stylists. Moroccan-inspired dishes like Les Boulettes (poached eggs, spicy lamb meatballs with a roasted pepper, black olive and tomato stew) are outstanding, and their Liège waffles and lavender lattes are worth every penny.

A couple's guide to Valentine’s Day Alternatives to typical dinner and movie dates Milana Bucan CONTRIBUTOR

Feb. 14 is fast approaching, and if you have that special someone in your life, you’re probably wondering how to make their Valentine’s Day a memorable one. There are a number of activities in Vancouver that can bring excitement into your love life, such as going on a balloon ride, enjoying a romantic dinner on a boat or even creating some handmade pottery. Look no further than the 1990 film, Ghost, starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, where the latter escalates quickly into a steamy scene

SO IN LL CO

To sign up for Zyla’s next Dirty Talk class, scheduled for Feb. 10 at 8 pm, visit Artofloving.ca.

VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO.16

THE CAPILANO COURIER

Andy Rice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

There is a first time for everything, from our first words, to our first kiss, to the first time we have sex. But no one is born a human lexicon of erotic language. “Dirty talk” is an acquired skill, developed through experience, intuition and likely a few awkward mistakes along the way. But if it were listed in the dictionary, what would its official definition be? Vera Zyla is the co-owner of the Art of Loving, an adult store and sex shop on West Broadway that provides sex education seminars on a variety of topics. For her, dirty talk “can be something you say to your partner about what you'd like to do to them. It can be a moan or a groan or a compliment. It can be before, during or after sex. It contributes to making your partner feel good and desired. It can be playful." There is an intimacy dialogue involved in dirty talk, and there are ways to build up tension and anticipation through text messages or over the phone during those times when you are not face to face with your lover. In fact, those are some of the best times to play those cards, bringing

CONTRIBUTOR

Graeme Findlay

—

Yeah, just like that

added excitement to your relationship. "You can say things like 'I can't wait to see you' or 'I can't wait to feel your hands on me,’” Zyla suggested. “You can use different formats. When you're with your partner, you can keep a sense of intimacy and can use it to articulate what you want and describe what you're feeling.” Although dirty talk is often associated with use of over-the-top phrases and downright filthy words, Zyla assures that there are variations to suit all comfort levels. “Dirty talk doesn't have to have raunchiness to it,” she said. “It can just be describing what feels good to you. It doesn't need to have that kind of dialogue to it." So with that in mind, how does one go about integrating a little dirty talk into his or her sex life? Zyla feels it is ideal to gauge it as you go. Sexuality is subjective to every person, but there is a time and place for the right thing. Coming on too strong could end badly, and waiting too long could make for missed opportunities. "You can ask them if they would be into a little bit of erotic talk,” said Zyla. "However, on a first date, keep it mellow and propose it as a question. If you tell them right out how bad you want them, they could get turned off by that. After a first date, you can ask 'Do you want to know what I'd like to do to you after we get to know each other a bit more?'" Zyla notes that if a couple is new to the

C O L U MN S Sip, sip, hurray! Three beers + three burgers Max Ley COLUMNIST

This week, we’re taking a bit of a different turn and venturing into the malty, hoppy and delicious world of beer. Bridge Brewing Company and Deep Cove Brewers and Distillers are just two of the prominent brands in the Lower Mainland, and both are located just a short drive from Capilano University. Luckily, it just so happens that Deep Cove’s head bartender, Stephen Matick, is a very close friend of mine. After a bit of negotiation, he allowed Courier editor-in-chief Andy Rice and myself to feature some of their beers for a column! As for the pairing, I thought it might be fun to take three different fast-food burgers, and let Steve decide what beers he thought would fit the bill. The first burger pick was the classic and legendary Big Mac. Surprisingly simple, the Big Mac does not have a whole lot of depth of flavour. Steve’s choice for this first burger was Deep Cove’s Kolsch. The nose was clean and yeasty, redolent of buttermilk and crackers, though Andy absolutely nailed it when he loudly proclaimed after a sniff, “Waffle batter!” The palate was clean and dry with plenty more yeasty presence. A slight sweetness with a lingering, soft finish makes this beer immensely refreshing. The pairing of this beer with the burger was beyond perfect. Neither the burger nor the beer was overwhelming, with both being rather unobtrusive on the palate. The beer elevated the sauce of the Big Mac, keeping it fresh and clean. This was one pairing that all of us agreed we could find ourselves craving every once in awhile. For our next burger, we opted to pair Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich with Deep Cove’s New Zealand Session Ale. Brewed entirely with New Zealand hops, this pale ale just exploded with honeyed malts and light scents of canned pears and peaches. At

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VOLUME 49 ISSUE NO. 16

News you haven’t heard A small town in central Nebraska is running out of time Mike Allen COLUMNIST

Residents of Milburn, a small township in Custer County, Nebraska, are experiencing less and less time each day, as was reported by local newspaper, The Milburn Herald. “At first I just thought I was getting busy,” Milburn local Tyler Jennings explained, “You know how things get sometimes, you pick up a couple extra shifts down at the plant and suddenly the days start to get away from you.” However, Jennings isn't the only one to have noticed less time in every day. Randall Ford, a local who performs at children's birthday parties as “Bozo the

first sip, those canned peach flavours were at the forefront with tons of heavy hop fruit. The malts were well balanced and present with a dry finish. All three of us agreed that this beer was a big ol’ malty bowl of fruit. However, the freshness of the tomatoes and the chicken itself made the beer brighter and more vibrant. Interestingly enough, the malts of the beer seemed to disappear and the hops became more potent with a lot more fresh fruit and peach. Although the pairing wasn’t perfect, we all noticed how the Spicy Chicken burger almost transformed the Session Ale into two different beers considering how different the taste profile became between bites. For our final pairing, we chose A&W’s

legendary Teen Burger and pitted it against Deep Cove’s Double IPA. This is a bruiser of a beer. It’s very floral and has an enormous mossy green nose full of grapefruit. Admittedly, the beer does smell like all the times you spent walking past the Art Gallery on 4/20. It’s jam-packed with enormous fruit flavours — herby green fruits, and what Steve called, “dandelion leaf” are prominent in this huge, yet easily quaffable brew. As a warning, this beer will mess you up at a whopping nine per cent. The big, boozy fruit characteristics easily matched the dense burger, successfully cleaning the palate with each sip. However, as this was our last burger of the night, the condiments did end up sticking out at

a colder temperature, but the hoppy fruit ended up cutting through the fat of the burger and bacon very successfully. The star of the pairings was definitely the Kolsch paired with the Big Mac, but the Teen Burger was a definite close second with its Double IPA partner. It was enormously fun to have a few guests with me for the tasting, and there will be a similarly structured tasting in the very near future. Big thanks to Deep Cove Brewery and Distillery and Stephen Matick for wanting to be involved and for contributing their amazing products. Be sure to follow me now on Instagram and Twitter @sipsiphurray for even more fun tasting reviews as well as photos from the tastings and events that I do.

Clown,” included himself as one of the people experiencing the phenomenon, “I was headed out to Billy Alderson's birthday party. Regular type of gig, not too far across town, but I guess traffic must've been bad or something because when I got there, the party was already about halfway done. I normally pride myself in never being late to a show, but I guess this one just got away from me.” Milburn is home to only around 60 people. It’s not exactly what anyone would call a hub of activity. Most of the residents who work within the community are in the manufacturing sector, farming or wholesale trade. It would be safe to say, in a colloquial sense, that time moves a little slower there. This is why, when residents started noticing they had less time for the little things in life, some started to become alarmed. The residents of Milburn became increasingly concerned over what was initially thought of as, “things getting quicker around here.” It soon became apparent that it was not the pace of life that was becoming faster, but time itself.

Brenda Caldman, 86, was the first to come up with that theory. “I've been living here in Milburn for my whole life, I was born here, I grew up here and I'll die here. I know when things ain't right in Milburn, and right now, things ain't right. Look at that, the sun is already going down and I haven't even had my lunch yet!” The rest of the town was quick to accept Caldman's theory on how the days seemed to be slipping away from the residents of Milburn. More and more accounts of lost time started flooding in. “I put the toaster on for my morning breakfast like I do every morning, but by the time the toaster popped, I was already late for work!” one resident exclaimed. “I went out to my parents’ farm for a some of my mom's famous chicken pot pie, but by the time I got there it was already time to go home,” remembered another. It seems as though time itself was going quicker in this sleepy little town, unless the phenomena could be explained as some sort of group hallucination, so the residents opted to bring in the experts.

Jerry Randsworth and Lucy Chan were two such experts on time distortion that came in to the sleepy Nebraska town. Based in New York, the two horologists have spent the better part of the last six years studying the regular, or sometimes irregular, flow of time. “There's a reason it's called a 'New York minute,” Chan explained. “Those moments when time seems to move slower or quicker depending on what an individual is experiencing, well we believe that time itself does change its pace in those instances.” “We've been observing fluctuations in time for, well, we assume it's been about six years, but in our line of work, putting a number to it becomes a little more tricky,” chuckled Randsworth. Although the two scientists have so far been unable to find a cause for the changes in the flow of time in Milburn, things have somewhat gotten back to normal. For the residents of the quiet town, tomorrow has become today, and everyone is making just a little more time to stop and smell the roses."

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Global state of affairs Migrant crisis continues, evolving into social misconduct Caitlin Manz COLUMNIST

An unfortunate result of the Syrian Civil War violence – such that spans the entire country as well as parts of Iraq and the Turkish border, was the European migrant crisis taking place this past year, with the fleeing of over 1.5 million, primarily Syrian, refugees. Hundreds of thousands landed on European soil and an unprepared European Union soon found many of its borders overwhelmed. The goal for the refugees is to seek asylum status in the larger countries like Germany, France and the United Kingdom. Migrants arrived on boats from perilous journeys, travelling either from North Africa or Turkey. Upon arrival, crowds of thousands were seen walking up through the European borders. While all of Europe struggled to

The beat that I’m bangin’ The sexiest songs on my hard drive Aidan Mouellic COLUMNIST

coordinate managing their borders and relocating refugees, Germany pioneered an open door policy, accepting the majority of refugees. According to German Interior Minister, Thomas de Maizière, the country has accepted over 965,000 asylum-seekers, many lacking the proper paperwork or identification — thus, leading to a problem with the new immigrants’ social adjustment. New Year’s Eve in Cologne saw people on the streets enjoying firework celebrations and festivities. The celebrations, occurring particularly around Central Station Square, turned nightmarish, however, as assemblies of 40 to 50 migrant men surrounded women – both solitary, and in groups. They sexually assaulted, robbed, and in some cases raped the women, resulting in over 500 reported cases of sexual assault. Many were jointly filed as one complaint, bringing the total number of alleged crimes to 766, with three rape cases. This simultaneously occurred in places across Europe. In 12 of Germany’s 16 states, cases of sexual assaults and robberies transpired on New Year’s Eve, as well as in Zurich, Switzerland and Helsinki in Finland. "They grabbed our arms...pushed our clothes away, and tried to get between

our legs,” Michelle, a woman who, with her friends, was surrounded by about 30 foreign men, told the BBC News. "They got everything we had in our pockets.” "There were so many people there that I no longer was in control of how to defend myself," another attacked woman, Evelin, told German television. "We wanted help. We ran to police cars, but there was no one there. We knew the police at that moment were so understaffed that they couldn't deal with this," she continued. The Cologne police force has since been scrutinized for their absence during a major public event, where crimes were committed on a large scale, with even Cologne Major Henriette Reker admitting that “they [police] did not fulfill their duty in this situation.” Rainer Wendt, the head of the German Police Union, doesn’t take lightly to such pressure put on the police force. He insists they are overextended handling border control, where Germany receives 3,000 asylum-seekers daily. “For months the police have been diverted to Bavaria,” Wendt stated. “In our asylum camps all hell broke loose; at the border in southern Germany, and in Bavaria especially, it's hell,” he furthered, adding how the police are also needed to supervise and keep order in the refugee camps.

The German police, seemingly overtasked with the onslaught of refugees, and the aftermath of their sudden immigration, lends critique to Chancellor Angela Merkel’s “open door” policy, in allowing so many into Germany. After the violence on New Year’s Eve, a resulting source of racial tension and religious discrimination is threatening to surface in Germany. Although it seemed Germany’s humanitarian obligation to immediately take in as many refugees as possible, it is now demonstrating the challenge in amalgamating people from a country with contrasting religious backgrounds and ideologies, and their transition into a modern-day, intimidating liberal society. Pictograms on proper conduct are being placed in asylum camps, and Finland has begun hosting classes educating migrants on what being a part of an equal-rights, liberal society entails, as well as what their cultural values are. This begins the complicated process of teaching specific, societal behaviour that most grow up learning and understanding, as well as the even more problematic process of adjusting to such. While they’ve escaped the violence tearing apart their countries, it seems as though the migrants face another entirely different challenge.

—CRISTIAN FOWLIE

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instrumental tunes in the 50s, notably their famous track “Sleepwalk.” Another track they recorded, “You Belong To Me,” puts me in a yearning mood each time I hear it. If Bob Ross had to paint a picture that would symbolize this song, it would be of a swan drifting in a babbling brook surrounded by a lush meadow, full of roses and rainbows. Within that meadow there would also be the beautiful dirtbag that is Mac DeMarco, standing over his keyboard playing “Chamber of Reflection,” perhaps his sexiest hit off of his album, Salad Days. People typically associate DeMarco with goofy and upbeat songs, the kind of music that typically does not get you in the mood. With “Chamber of Reflection,” the Duncan, BC-born artist taps into his sensual side and delivers a track that is sure to get you in the mood – or perhaps just make you want to cry. It’s a fine line with sensual soundtracks. “Funny each time I fall in love, it’s always you.” Perhaps some of the finest collections of seductive and sexy songs I’ve ever heard are the ones on Chet Baker’s 1956 album, Chet Baker Sings. The intimacy, fragility and vulnerability in the way Baker sings is simply beautiful. He was perhaps best known as a trumpet player and Cool Jazz pioneer, but his singing is equally brilliant. The earlier quote is from the song, “It’s Always You,” one of the more poignant tracks on the album. The track is one of the greatest love songs anywhere – let alone on my hard drive. Music is one of the healthiest, cheapest and most enjoyable social lubricants. Finding tracks that create lasting memories in your relationships is an immeasurable joy. Add the tracks I’ve recommended to your playlists and hopefully magic will happen. However, they also pair quite well with a bottle of bourbon, loneliness and Netflix if that’s more your scene.

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Sex is synchronous. It is the physical embodiment of two (or more) people working together as best as they can to reach the greatest outcome. Occasionally people perform extraordinary feats that mimic the synchronous aspect of sex, and music is one of them. The Supremes said it best: “love is a game of give and take.” To achieve the best results you must work together and reciprocate – selfish sex is not sex. Certain tracks are sexy not just because of the sensual groove and words sung, but because the artists are locked into a feeling. A good song makes you feel. I’ve combed through my hard drive and found a select few songs that will either get you in the mood, make you cry or disrobe your lover. The 90s perhaps were not that sexy but in 1997, Ry Cooder, along with a group of brilliantly talented and seemingly forgotten Cuban musicians, released the acclaimed album, Buena Vista Social Club. “Chan Chan,” the first track from the album, is a seductive Cuban song that urges you to get up and share a slow, sensual dance with your exotic lover. The song is sung in Spanish and I have not read the lyrical translations, so it might very well be a song about hard labour or some equally non-sexy notion – like say, illegal immigration. Yet, I still find myself imagining sultry scenes when listening to this track. The American duo Santo and Johnny were brothers who released some famous

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HUMOUR A review of the hottest sex toys in my tickle trunk

Anna L. Beedes

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SEXILY SINGLE

As a kid, everyone loved playtime. It was a time that encouraged the imagination, released pent-up stress and inspired many of us to try something new. But you know what always made playtime better? Toys! The more Barbies, Kens, Tonka Trucks, Lego sets and Harry Potter wands you had, the cooler you were to all the other kids on the block. Well, adult playtime is exactly the same. Toys make you cooler. And I wanted to be the coolest girl in my block, so I tried five of the strangest sex toys I could find. Here are the results:

It took a while to track this toy down, as it has been discontinued for reasons that I cannot imagine. To me, it makes perfect sense: if you’re going to penetrate the body part where the most obnoxious gas comes from, why not have a gas mask on while doing it. Luckily for me, a guy I met at the Red Room said he had one, and that was the easiest pick up line he has ever used. Ideally, this toy is used with intense role play. It doesn’t make much sense otherwise. I would still recommend the Pig Butt Plug over this, as it makes your lover look less like Kylo Ren if he swallowed a lightsaber.

This one is great for those who like to masturbate in public, but on the downlow. And by public, I mean the bathroom at your great-aunt’s place. It looks like a normal rubber duck, yet it makes me quack with excitement like a completely sexually satisfied duck. So just coyly replace your great aunt’s shitty, non-vibrating duck with this one, boasting a “strong, yet quiet motor,” and family gatherings will be so much more enjoyable. But be sure not to let your cousin’s kid monopolize that thing. This would be a perfect time to teach the kid sharing. It also comes in a travel size.

This toy is “perfect for role playing and humiliation,” which made me wet just thinking about it. Humiliation is part of my foreplay routine. It’s exactly as it sounds: a pink little but plug with a coiled tail, so who ever it is stimulating looks like they have the ass of a pig. Amazon.com tells me this toy is often purchased in combination with a pig snout, for added humiliation. But this toy got my Friday night lover so stimulated that it had us both squealing and humping by the end of the night. Almost ironically, we stuffed our faces with bacon the next morning.

Have you even found the perfect penis and wanted to clone it? Thanks to some genius, you can. The Clone-A-Willy Vibrator ‘Create Your Own Penis’ Moulding Kit provides you everything you need to make a cast of a penis and turn it into a silicone vibrator. It comes in a variety of colours, including a glow-in-the-dark variety. However there is one colour missing. As one semi-satisfied customer explains, “It's a pity they didn't do a black version for fulfilling my BBC dream or [offer] a way of making it bigger.”

This is for all the ladies who have a partner that doesn’t like to eat the bearded clam. The Clit Kisser Jelly Mount and Vibrating Tongue stimulates oral sex so your disinterested boyfriend doesn’t have to. It conveniently plugs in right next to your hair straightener, but be sure not to confuse the tube. Believe me, you will be disappointed. The YouTube tutorial for the product uses the word “flutter” so many times that it caused a flutter before I even purchased it. But purchase it I did. This little silicon gem was on sale from Amazon.com, earning me a $13 discount, which is great because I wore out my first two and am now on my third.

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The best dating apps to use depending on your program of study We’re in the golden age of dating apps. There are countless online platforms that are meant to help you find the one, or the one night stand. This is a phenomenon that was only made possible by the growth of technology and the mass thirst that’s so apparent in Kendall and Kylie Jenner’s Instagram comments section. However, not every dating app will

work for you. Ugly people can’t use Tinder with much success, the same way that Christian Mingle is meant specifically for, well, Christians. In order to “kill it” in the world of dating apps, you’ve got to find the one. You may not find your soul mate at this university, but you can be sure to find the right dating app to use, depending on what program you’re studying at this university.

MOPA PROGRAM – TIMEPLAY Movie lovers rejoice. Timeplay not only allows you to win minuscule amounts of Scene points and the ever so rare free Poptopia, but it also lets you see who's got the fastest and most dexterous fingers in the auditorium. How convenient for your eventual Netflix and Chill night.

JAZZ STUDIES - EHARMONY People in this program tend to do lots of E and sing harmony, so this popular dating site is perfect for them.

BUSINESS PROGRAM – LINKEDIN Though not officially a dating site, LinkedIn prides itself as an online hub for the business-minded. It’s got features that provide an online networking space for those from the same business field and a dynamic job search engine. That sentence right there has every word you need for a successful partnership: dynamic and job. LinkedIn lets you upload your resume, endorse your connections’ skills and give constant updates about how your current career is going – basically everything you need in forming a partnership. Most importantly, it even allows you to check who’s been creeping your profile.

COMMUNICATIONS PROGRAM – MARKWICK.CA Most professors use the capacities of Moodle for running their classes, but communications program icon, Michael Markwick, is not like most professors. His personal website offers a detailed copy of his syllabus, complete with APA reference formatting and links to class readings. So go find a socio-political cause you can write about, pick the same side as the apple of your eye and hope to God that Michael soon implements a messenger feature in his website. Rumour has it, an app version is in the works, set to launch in 2025 after extensive beta testing.

IDEA PROGRAM – BEHANCE Behance allows its users to upload their respective illustrations and designs online for the world to see. It basically follows the principles of Tumblr, Pinterest and Instagram, without seeming pretentious. The only problem with Behance is that you’re essentially judging your potential partner by the quality of their work — but hey, why should anything else matter?

AEM – BANDSINTOWN Some people bond through similar tastes in music, while others bond through similar tastes in event organizations. Bandsintown lets you see which artists are coming to town, and which people have RSVP’d to which shows. It’s also helpful if you’re a total starfucker — and isn’t that the reason you signed up for AEM in the first place, to see a band member’s member?

ARTS AND SCIENCES – TINDER This is the program that you take when they don’t know what to do with their life. But at least once you inevitably take that semester off to go to Thailand, you’ll have better use for that selfie with an endangered tiger, other than gaining a handful of likes on Facebook. Nothing like a photo with a big cat to get you the real cat that you’ve been aiming for!

STUDIO ARTS - MYSPACE *slow clap*

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EVERYONE ELSE - MOODLE Get your homework done and get done. What more could you ask for? Moodle will get you the noodle every time.

THIS ARTICLE IS TOTALLY SATIRE, DON’T GET MAD.

The editors of the Capilano Courier take to the streets for Vancouver’s most buzz-worthy concerts, events and social gatherings.

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CABOOSE Q

HOROSCOPES

THINKING CAP Describe your love life with a movie title.

IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS WEEK:

(Featuring the Courier staff.)

Your friends are using your birth as an excuse to get drunk and bang each other.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19):

“Catch Me If You Can" — Therese Guieb, Executive News Editor

“White Chicks” — Carlo Javier, Executive Lifestyle Editor

It’s time to use your talents to make some money. Who knew Myfreecams.com had a ‘socially inept’ category?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20):

Life will have its ups and downs – but that’s to be expected when you work as a safety supervisor in a bouncy castle.

“A Series of Unfortunate Events” — Christine Beyleveldt, Campus Correspondent

“Hancock” — Cristian Fowlie, Art Director

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):

You’ve already learned so much this semester. Time to forget it all over reading break.

LIBRA (SEPT. 22 - OCT. 23):

It’s going to be a busy week. Between your pottery class and Philosophy 101, it’d be a miracle if you had more than six hours of free time a day.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 - NOV. 21):

It’s time to change the way you think. Stop being so positive. Things aren’t going to work out.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22 - DEC. 21):

It’ll become apparent that you have no idea what a daily grind really is after you complain to your working friends about waking up at 10 am.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22):

Sometimes we fight with our friends because we care about them. Other times it’s because we’re secretly training for the UFC.

"Mission Impossible” — Andy Rice, Editor In Chief

“Deep Impact.” — Syd Danger, Production Manager

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22):

You’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently. It’s finally time to accept you just don’t have one.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 21):

Now is a good time to stop gossiping. Who cares that Sarah wore the same thing on Tuesday and Friday? Seriously though, can you believe she did that?

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AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 - FEB. 18):

Don’t talk about religion or politics this week. Discovering god is fine. Believing god is Donald Trump’s toupee is just weird.

PISCES (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20):

Don’t be nervous about your upcoming flight. You’re guaranteed to land one way or another.

“Idle Hands” — Kevin Kapenda, Opinions Editor

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write for us! ☞ Story meetings Tuesdays at noon Maple 122 We pay for your words! ✍

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SUDOKU

"Toy Story" — Gabriel Scorgie, Features Editor

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 - JAN. 19):

Although a friends with benefits would be nice, you’d settle for friends right about now.