MAC AND ME (1988)
TOY STORY (1995), TOY STORY 2 (1999) AND TOY STORY 3 (2010)
So. There’s a wrinkly, homesick alien. He has big
Maybe the best film trilogy of all time. Perfect to
eyes and long fingers. He’s lost and he gets to hang
enjoy as your children grow. However many times
out with a bunch of kids and their single moms. And
you have seen Woody, Buzz and Mr Potato Head,
just when you think that this might be ringing bells,
they never fail to delight. And by the time Stinky
here’s the twist. The moment of genius that lets you
Pete, yodelling Jessie the cowgirl and thespian
know you have never seen anything this bad in all
hedgehog Mr Pricklepants join the action, your
your moviegoing days. This alien can be revived by
parent–child viewing couldn’t be bettered. There’s
Coca-Cola. Who needs to phone home when you
horrid toy-torturing neighbour Sid to teach us all
can devour gallons of a carbonated, sugary soft
about respect and not pulling the legs off things.
drink with natural flavourings? And when everyone
There’s Woody’s desire for immortality at the toy
gets peckish, where better to spend your time than
museum to discuss. And fart jokes.
a McDonald’s restaurant? And then, if you need to
And who would have thought that grouchy,
do a long breakdance sequence, there’s always a
cynical, caustic songsmith Randy Newman could
McDonald’s car park nearby. Plus it’s really handy
ever become a children’s favourite? The man who
for Ronald McDonald, who likes to be all hands on
brought us ‘Rednecks’, ‘Let’s Burn Down the
with this kind of thing.
Cornfield’ and ‘Texas Girl at the Funeral of Her
So that Mac of the title? Of course! It stands
Father’ is now the singalong favourite of a
for Mysterious Alien Creature – hush your cynical
generation. ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’ will keep us
thoughts. A film to crush the soul of even the most
at Uncle Randy’s piano (sounds fine in America) for
hardened Republican and free-marketeer. Let go of
years to come. Why limit your options? Keep
your rage. Welcome the healing knife. You should by
procreating, keep singing, keep watching.
now be comfortably numb.
MARY POPPINS (1964)
PADDINGTON (2014)
You might be welling up already. One of the main
The spirit of Mary Poppins lives on in this instant
reasons to have children of your own is to sit them
classic. Obviously your children will never pay to
down and make them watch stuff that you liked.
see a talking-bear movie themselves (will they
And what better place to start than this Oscar-laden
ever pay for anything?) so this is indisputably your
classic? A magical nanny, cartoon penguins and the
job. You do the groundwork ahead of viewing,
last time bankers (or at least, a banker – Mr Banks)
explaining about the original books and the Michael
were shown sympathetically in a movie. This is still
Hordern-voiced TV series. Then, just when they’re
a must-see.
switching off and dismissing your lecture as the
You have so many facts to pass on to the next
reminiscences of a madman, the movie starts and
generation. You know all the words to the Sherman
the spell is woven. Nicole Kidman is Cruella De Ville
brothers’ songs but can still point out the illogicality
from 101 Dalmations, Hugh Bonneville is Mr Banks
of saying that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
from Cherry Tree Lane (not to be confused with
backwards is docious-ali-exip-ilistic-fragi-cali-
Cherry Tree Lane, the home invasion/rape/torture/
repus. Which it clearly isn’t. You can explain that
kid-killing horror film, obvs) and Peter Capaldi is the
Dick Van Dyke’s ‘cockernee’ accent is based on,
crazy UKIP guy from down the road.
well, nothing at all really, and that no human being
You need children of your own for this movie.
has ever talked like that before or since. And when
Sure, you can borrow other people’s kids if you need
you’re all singing along to ‘Feed the Birds’, how
to (though not in an illegal way) but it’s your own
useful to be able to break off and explain that
flesh and blood that matters here. If they wish to
‘tuppence a bag’ refers to old, pre-decimalised
talk further about the issues raised, brief yourself
money and would be now worth just under one
on recent changes to immigration law and just how
new pence. Your children will love and respect
‘dark’ ‘darkest Peru’ actually is. Hand them sweets,
you all the more.
pat them on the head, feel your heart swell. You’ve done the right thing.