BRINGING UP BABY How the Movies Can Make You a Better Parent
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hort-tempered? Shouting too much? Only showing cursory interest in playing mindless, repetitive games? Never despair. All you need to know is this: the movies are here to help! In the movies, there will always be worse
parents than you. We prescribe the following feel-good parenting films to get you ready for the big push.
HOME ALONE AND HOME ALONE 2
(1990 & 1992)
of two burglars. Furthermore, you would never follow up your display of callous disregard by then leaving the little tyke in a crime-ridden city with just your credit card for company. You can’t buy affection, Mr and Mrs McCallister! And oh, who’s
Movies that give and then give some more. Who
that knocking at the door? Is it social services? Can
hasn’t warmed to the antics of Macauley Culkin’s
your capitalist lickspittle cronies save you now?
syrupy-sweet Kevin McCallister? We all cheered
Well probably yes, but when you’re feeling blue
as he fought off burglars after being deserted at
about the extent of your parenting skills, remember
Christmas. We all whooped as he got the better of
the McCallisters. Then make your children watch
New York’s evil hotel concierges. But remember
Home Alone and Home Alone 2. Don’t bother with
the real villains of the piece – his parents. The
Home Alone 3 (1997), Home Alone 4 (2002), or Home
outrageously bourgeois lifestyle of Peter and Katie
Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012). No one else did.
McCallister (played by John Heard and Catherine O’Hara) has led them to become symbols of indifference and neglect. You might once forget the
STAR WARS
(1977)
name of your child’s teacher, the name of his class and maybe even the name of his school, but you
You’ll have bad days. You’ll have tricky nights.
would never fly to France leaving him in the hands
You’ll be irritable. When things go really badly you
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might even lash out and kick the budgie. But Darth
Palma classic Carrie.
Vader sets a new standard for bad dad behaviour.
Meet Margaret White. Carrie’s mother is not
Not for him the mere trifles of forgetting the school
blessed with the gift of encouragement. Nor is
play or failing to provide child support, he actually,
she blessed with the gift of careful, loving insight.
literally totally vaporises his daughter’s planet! Not
It is true she is quite attentive to her daughter’s
only that, he reveals his parentage to his son, then
religious education (allow yourself a pang of guilt
chops his arm off! You couldn’t possibly be this
here, maybe?) and is somewhat concerned about
bad, could you?
the company her daughter keeps, but all that
CARRIE
screaming, Margaret! All that black cape wearing! None of it is helping anyone. Apart from maybe
(1976)
making us feel better. So thanks. As a bonus, once your future offspring have seen this movie,
Well now, mums-to-be. It’s time to have a pampering
they are guaranteed never to complain about you
session. Traditionally this may well have involved
(though good luck with the whole school prom
a spa treatment, a massage and maybe some
thing). NB: if your child really does have powers
cheeky aromatic oils rubbed in by Antoine and his
of telekinesis and can move objects like, say,
magic fingers, but the Movie Doctors are here to
buckets of blood, then the Movie Doctors will see
suggest something so much better. Get your friends
you as an emergency case. Call the number at the
round for a communal viewing of the 1976 Brian De
back of the book. Stay strong.
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