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SARA: I didn’t know you were coming here to-night, Ermengarde.
ERMENGARDE: I crept out of my room after the other girls were asleep. Papa has sent me some more books, Sara. (Dejectedly pointing to table and books on floor) There they are.
SARA: (Delightedly) Oh, has he? (Runs to books, and sits on floor. Looks at titles on books, opens them) How beautiful. Carlyle’s “French Revolution.” I have so wanted to read that!
ERMENGARDE: I haven’t. And papa will be so cross if I don’t. He’ll want me to know all about it when I go home for the holidays. What shall I do?
SARA: (Excited) Look here, Ermengarde. If you’ll lend me these books, I’ll read them, and tell you everything that’s in them afterwards, and I’ll tell it so that you’ll remember it too.
ERMENGARDE: Oh, Sara, Sara, do you think you could?
SARA: I know I can. The little A, B, C children always remember what I tell them.
ERMENGARDE: (pause) Sara, if you’ll do that, and make me remember, I’ll—I’ll give you some of my pocket-money.
SARA: I don’t want your money, Ermy, I want your books. (Holds them tight in arms) I want them!
ERMENGARDE: Take them then, --you’re welcome. I wish I wanted them. Script Provided Courtesy of www.Skits-O-Mania.com
SARA: (Cheerfully) Well, that’s all right. I’m so glad. (Puts books on floor beside her) Now let’s tell each other things. How are you getting on with your French lessons?
ERMENGARDE: Ever so much better since I began to come up into your garret, and you began to teach me.
SARA: I am glad. (Looks around room) The garret would be rather nice if it wasn’t so very dreadful. (Laughs) It’s a good place to pretend in.
ERMENGARDE: (Eagerly) What do you pretend, Sara?
SARA: Well, generally I pretend it is the Bastille, and I’m kept a prisoner here like Doctor Manette in “A Tale of Two Cities.”
ERMENGARDE: (Interested) And what else?
SARA: I pretend I have been here for years—and years and years—and years—and everyone has forgotten all about me, and Miss Minchin is the jailer. And I pretend that there’s another prisoner in the next cell, —that’s Becky, you know, —I’ve told her about it—and I knock on the wall to make her hear, and she knocks like this, — you know. (Knocks three times on wall; listens a moment) She’s not there; if she were she’d knock back. Ah!
ERMENGARDE: Ah, it’s just like a story.
SARA: It is a story; everything is a story—you’re a story, I’m a story, Miss Minchin’s a story.
(Rats squeak)
ERMENGARDE: (Gets on stool and screams) Ah, there are the rats again. Are you never afraid of the rats, Sara?
SARA: (On floor) Not now. I was at first, but now they’re a part of the story. There were always rats in prisons, and the prisoners tamed them with crumbs. That is how I tamed Melchisedek and his wife. (Calls rats) Come on, Melchy dear, come, nice Melchy.
ERMENGARDE: (Stumbles) Oh, don’t call them out; come back, Sara. Tell me some more stories—they are so nice. (They resume former positions)
SARA: Well, I tell myself stories about the people who live in the other houses in the square. The large family, you know.
ERMENGARDE: (Seated on stool) Did Miss Minchin ever let you go there to tea?
SARA: (Shakes head) No, she said visits were not suited to my station. Script Provided Courtesy of www.Skits-O-Mania.com
ERMENGARDE: Old—cat—
SARA: But I watch them out of the garret window there. When I stand on the table under it, I can see all up and down the street. That’s how I got to know the lascar and the monkey.
ERMENGARDE: What lascar and what monkey?
SARA: The lascar is the Indian gentleman’s servant, and the monkey is the Indian gentleman’s monkey.
ERMENGARDE: Where do they live?
SARA: They live next door. He is the rich gentleman who is always ill—(Stops and listens) Didn’t you hear something at the window?
ERMENGARDE: (Frightened) Yes.
SARA: (Gets up and goes to window) There’s nothing there. (Laughs) Perhaps Melchisedek and his wife are having a party under the roof. The lascar lives in the next garret, and the monkey lives with him—one day the monkey ran away and came in through my window, and the lascar had to come after him.
ERMENGARDE: What, that black Indian man in the white turban, Sara? Did he really come in here?
SARA: Yes, and he took the monkey back. I like him and he likes me. I remember enough Hindustani to talk to him a little, —so now he salaams to me when he sees me. Like this— (Salaams. Stops, and listens again) I’m sure there’s something at the window; it sounds like a cat trying to get in. (Goes to window. Ermengarde stumbles. Turns from window, pleased) Suppose it was the monkey who had got away again. Oh, suppose it was—(Tiptoes to window, lifts it and looks out) It is the monkey.
ERMENGARDE: (Crossing to end of table) He lost his way and saw the light. Are you going to let him in, Sara?
SARA: (On table) Yes, it’s too cold for monkeys to be out—they are delicate. I’ll coax him in. He’s quite close; how he shivers. He’s so cold—he’s quite tame. (Coaxingly) Come along, monkey darling, I won’t hurt you. (Takes monkey through window— jumps down)
ERMENGARDE: (Sara crosses to end of table, and sits. Ermengarde back of table) Oh, Sara, how funny he is—aren’t you afraid he’ll bite you?
Script Provided Courtesy of www.Skits-O-Mania.com
SARA: Oh, no—nice monkey, nice monkey—Oh, I do love little animal things—Oh, you queer little darling.
ERMENGARDE: (Sits to right of table) He looks like a very ugly baby.
SARA: I’m glad he’s not a baby. His mother couldn’t be proud of him—and no one would dare to say he was like any of his relations. I do like you—perhaps he’s sorry he’s so ugly and it’s always on his mind. I wonder if he has a mind?
ERMENGARDE: What are you going to do with him?
SARA: I must take him back to the Italian gentleman. But I am sorry—Oh, the company you would be to a person in a garret!
ERMENGARDE: Shall we take him back to-night?
SARA: It is too late to-night. I must keep you here, monkey my love, but I’ll be kind to you. ERMENGARDE: Where will he sleep?
SARA: (Looks around) Oh, I know—that cupboard—(Gets up, crosses to cupboard, and opens door) See, I can make a bed for him here. I’ll give him one of my pillows to lie on, and cover him with my blanket. (Crosses to bed)
ERMENGARDE: But you’ll be so cold.
SARA: But I’m used to being cold and he isn’t. I wasn’t born in a tropical forest. Let’s make his bed now and see if he likes it. (Takes pillow from bed) You bring the blanket. (Ermengarde takes blanket) Yes, monkey, pet lamb, you shall have nice bye-lows and go rock-a-bye baby.
ERMENGARDE: What?
SARA: I mean rock-a-bye monkey—(Makes bed in closet) And Sara will take you back home to your family. (Noise outside of Becky coming upstairs) ERMENGARDE: (Frightened) What’s that?
SARA: It’s only Becky coming up to bed.
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He Looked Rough Around the Edges
June 6, 2024 Joseph Arnone
A comedy play scene taken from the one-act comedy play script Rather Be a Man, wherein two women have different views of a stranger.
Pam: It’s happening too much. I feel like I need to wear a blanket whenever I step foot outside my house.
Kim: Yeah. There’s this guy who lives directly across the street from my house, and every time I step outside, he is always at his window, waving to me. I never wave back.
Pam: Really? That’s unsettling.
Kim: Yeah. I don’t even know him.
Pam: How weird.
Kim: Totally weird.
Pam: And you’ve never spoken to him?
Kim: No. He just stands there, waves and smiles. No other communication whatsoever.
Pam: Every time you leave your place?
Kim: Every time.
Pam: That’s exhausting.
Kim: It is.
Pam: I was at the salon the other day, and the manager there just won’t leave me alone. I might have to find another place now, but I love this one treatment there; it makes my skin glow.
Kim: Yeah, your skin’s glowing.
Pam: Right? But this manager, Brian, is ruining my life.
Kim: Go when he’s not there.
Pam: I have gone on all different days of the week, and he is always there.
Kim: No way.
Pam: Always.
Kim: How rude.
Pam: He glares at me, as if I’m a piece of meat!
Kim: Maybe just go there with a mask on.
Pam: It won’t help. I’ve tried that.
Kim: Or put on a hoodie.
Pam: I’ve done that.
Kim: You’re kidding.
Pam: I even go there in workout gear, and I pull up my hood.
Kim: And he still doesn’t get the hint?
Pam: Nope, he still thinks I’m flirting with him.
Kim: He’s in love with himself.
Pam: He is. These sunglasses help a bit, cause they’re so big, they cover most of my face, and they’re dark, so at least I can ignore him.
Kim: Can’t go anywhere anymore.
Pam: It’s just rude, when it’s uncalled for.
I’m Not the Needy Type, Right?
June 2, 2024 Joseph Arnone
“I’m not the needy type, right?” brings together best friends Natalie and Meagan in this hilarious one-act eplay titled, Phone Calls.
Meagan: I’m not the needy type, right?
Natalie: You are not needy.
(her phone rings again)
Meagan: It’s Frank, it’s Frank, it’s Frank, it’s Frank. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! Ummmmmmm, I gotta answer now, right?
Natalie: Answer it! Answer it!
Meagan: Okay, okay! (taking in deep breath) Hello? Hello?! (beat) He hung up!
Natalie: Maybe he hung up at the same time you answered your phone. Relax—
Meagan: No, no…you see? You see what I mean? I’m just jinxed, I’m cursed with men in my life. I will never never never be happy.
Natalie: That’s not true. In the grand scheme of things you have had many happy moments with men.
Meagan: Yes, but they don’t last. I’m such an idiot. I should have answered the phone. I can’t call him back now cause it won’t look right to call him back.
Natalie: Call him back.
Meagan: And say what Nat? It’s loud in here anyway.
Natalie: That’s good. Let him think you have a social life. I mean, you do have a social life but let him think you are too busy for him.
Meagan: You want me to call him back and act like I’m too busy for him?
Natalie: Don’t call him back. All I’m saying is that if he DOES call you again, that you should answer and tell him you will call him back.
Meagan: When?
Natalie: When what?
Meagan: When should I tell him I will call him back?
Natalie: Whenever.
Meagan: What if he asks?
Natalie: Then tell him later on tonight.
Meagan: Tonight?
Natalie: Yeah, why?
Meagan: That won’t seem desperate?
Natalie: How can that seem desperate when you are returning HIS call?
Meagan: You’re right. I’m getting too analytical. I can feel it in my jaw.
Natalie: Your jaw?
Meagan: Whenever I think too much I get a strange build up of tension in my jaw…lock jaw.
(phone rings)
Natalie: Now calmly, calmly answer your phone and tell him what I told you. You will call him later.
Something in the Macaroni and Cheese Bowl Moved March 21, 2024 Joseph Arnone
“Something in the Macaroni and Cheese Bowl Moved” is a funny scene for two coming from the from the one act play Fungus Among Us.
Alexa comes running back into the kitchen.
ALEXA: What is it? What?!
MARA: It moved. Something in the macaroni and cheese bowl moved.
ALEXA: Oh my God!
MARA: It was wiggling.
ALEXA: Wiggling? Like a worm?
MARA: Yes!! It was like an anaconda!
ALEXA: Cover it quickly!
MARA: I am not going near that thing.
ALEXA: We need to get rid of it before it crawls out from the bowl.
Mara screams again. Alexa screams with her.
MARA: It moved again! Hurry, get the trash.
Alexa grabs the trash can. Mara grabs for the broom.
Okay, I got it. You hold the garbage can under the counter and I will swat the bowl into it with this broom.
ALEXA: That’s your plan?
MARA: That’s all I got!
Alexa holds the garbage outward.
ALEXA: I’m afraid to get too close. What if you miss the garbage?
MARA: I grew up with three brothers, baseball was my life…I got this.
ALEXA: Oh my God!
MARA: Get closer! Closer to the counter. (beat) Okay, ready? Stay just like that…don’t move. Count of three…ONE…TWO…THREE!!
Mara swings the broom at the bowl on the counter and its contents splash all over Alexa’s shirt and face. Alexa freaks out screaming and running throughout the apartment in absolute panic..
While Alexa is running and screaming, Mara attacks the bowl with the broom and whatever she thinks is moving on the floor.
MARA: (coolly) I got it! Alexa, I got it, I got it. It stopped moving.
Alexa slowly creeps back toward the kitchen with a towel in her hand.
Why are you so broke?
May 7, 2024 Joseph Arnone Comedy scene from one-act splay, “Half of Nothing” Willard shows up at Ralph’s apartment in order to collect money owed to him.
Willard enters the apartment slowly, leaving the front door open. He surveys the place, then looks at Ralph.
WILLARD (softly): Give me something.
RALPH: I told you, I’m broke.
WILLARD: Broke means you’re surviving. In order to survive, you must have a few dollars laying around. Give me half. I’d rather have something, than nothing.
RALPH: I can’t give you half of nothing!
WILLARD: You cheap b’stard, give me something!
RALPH: Close the door if you wanna shout, there’s neighbors. They already hate me as it is.
Willard slams the door.
WILLARD: Smells like vinegar in here.
RALPH: Socks.
WILLARD: What?
RALPH: My socks, I sweat more in the winter, the way my body functions, sort of a built in rescue heater for when it gets cold. When I take off my shoes, my socks are drenched. They’re hanging over the heater.
WILLARD: Open a window.
RALPH: Can’t. Place comes with no windows.
WILLARD: Isn’t that illegal?
RALPH: Saves on rent. I can offer you coffee.
Willard nods regretfully and sits.
Ralph makes coffee at the kitchen counter.
WILLARD: Why are you so broke? You work at the diner and have a side hustle. Explain.
RALPH: Sh’t adds up. You see what it’s like out there. Look at you.
WILLARD: Me? Look at me? What am I the film poster for the movie, “Broke”? That what you’re sayin’?
Ralph hands Willard coffee.
RALPH: I have a few stale cookies left. You want?
WILLARD: Yeah.
Ralph hands plastic cookie tray to Willard.
RALPH: Eat ’em all.
WILLARD: Thanks. (beat) I’m in a bad spot, Ralph.
RALPH: Aren’t we all?
WILLARD: Me! Me! Let’s talk about ME! I know the economy is sh’t, alright? I know you’re broke, but I’m stuffed
RALPH: Why are you –
WILLARD: I’ve been fired, and I’m being evicted. What do you want me to say?
RALPH: Double whammy.
WILLARD: Both ears.
RALPH: The few bucks I owe you isn’t going to pay your rent, Willy.
WILLARD: It will get me a few bagels, some hot ramen, I got a craving for some good ramen. It’ll cover water, coffee, some bus fares when I can’t walk — storms are approaching —it’ll give me TIME.
RALPH: I don’t have it.
WILLARD: What do you have?
RALPH: Coffee and those stale cookies you’re eating.
"Worrying About the Future" A Comedy by D. M. Larson - free short stage play script for two actors - male or female
"Worrying About the Future" is a scene from the published play "Control the Future" by D. M. Larson
WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE (a comedy) by D. M. Larson
(Ash is a kid and Drew is an adult. They are at home)
Ash Can I borrow $5?
Drew
You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
Ash
Can I borrow $10?
Drew Why $10?
Ash
So I can pay you back for the $5 I borrowed.
Drew Why do you need $5?
Ash $10
Drew What’s it for?
Ash
I am going to write a book.
Drew
Oh… so you’re going to buy a notebook and pencils and such. I’ll give you $5 for that. What are you going to write about?
Ash
How trick someone out of $5.
Drew Get back here!
Ash
I’m kidding… actually I want to help people who are scared.
Drew
Scared? Scared of what?
Ash
It seems like people are scared of a lot of things. There’s so much to be scared about. People with guns. Losing jobs. Losing your home. I don’t think anyone wants to grow up anymore. What is there to look forward to?
Drew Is everyone really scared?
Ash Very.
Drew
That’s cool that you want to help. So what are you going to tell them?
Ash
Well… chapter one… I’ll talk about all the shootings at schools and malls and theaters and such… That one is simple. You just take away all the guns.
Drew
That’s so crazy it just might work.
Ash
And for jobs… we’ll make more jobs. I mean look at all the things that need to be done. People could clean up trash, pull weeds, help the homeless… there’s all kinds of work that needs to be done.
Drew
How will we pay for it?
Ash
We make the rich pay their taxes. Everyone pays the same percent.
Drew
Ah, you’re a flat tax supporter.
Ash
Sure… sounds fair… and simple. Why can’t it be fair and simple? Why do politicians have to make everything so complicated?
Drew
That’s a great question.
Ash
Or we could have a mean people tax?
Drew
What’s that?
Ash
I should write a whole chapter on mean people. You know, bullies and such. They should tax them… or fine them… give them tickets or something. It’s like a swear jar… you know where you put a quarter in it every time you swear. Well, mean people should get a ticket every time they pick on someone… there are so many bullies… we’d make a lot of money that way.
Drew
Totally. Plenty of adult bullies too. We’d make millions for the economy.
Ash
And then we build everyone a home. That goes back to jobs… one of the jobs we make can be building homes for people who need them. Then no one ever has to worry about losing them home. We build it and they get to keep it.
Drew That would be really nice.
Ash
I just want people to look forward to things… and stop worrying about the future.
Drew
Now that I know you’re here to help, I’m less worried.
Ash
I hope people read my book.
Drew Me too.
Ash
I guess I have to write it first.
Drew
Let me know if you need any help.
Ash
Actually… could you give me a ride to the store?
Drew
Gladly. Let’s go change the world.