Friday, September 25, 2015 by The Brown Daily Herald

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

VOLUME CL, ISSUE 72

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Brown alums have lowest Ratty renovations still on table median salaries in Ivy League After fundraising and New federal tool College Scorecard also reveals gender wage gap among Brown grads By AGNES CHAN SENIOR STAFF WRITER

Brown attendees who received federal financial aid have the lowest median earnings in the Ivy League 10 years after entering the University, and female Brown attendees make almost $20,000 less on average than their male counterparts, according to College Scorecard. College Scorecard, a new federal tool launched by President Obama, seeks to educate Americans on the value of thousands of colleges nationwide through statistics on topics including financial aid, graduation rates and alumni salaries. College Scorecard shows that Brown students who were on federal financial aid earn a median salary of $59,700 10 years after matriculating to the University. Though well above the national average of $34,343, Brown attendees’ median

earnings are the lowest in the Ivy League. Harvard tops the list at $87,200, while Yale places seventh at $66,000. Relatively lower earnings after leaving Brown can be attributed to the types of jobs to which many Brunonians gravitate. A look at the job distribution for the class of 2014 at Ivy League schools shows that a smaller share of Brown alums entered finance and consulting — two typically high-paying industries. In a survey by the Center for Careers and Life After Brown, 21 percent of Brown’s class of 2014 reported being employed in either finance or consulting. This figure is noticeably lower than the 41 percent of Penn attendees and 37 percent of Cornell attendees who work in these areas. Cornell alums who entered finance earned a mean salary of $66,981, while those who went into consulting made around $62,790. But a significantly higher percentage of Brown alums choose to work in the non-profit sector. “Some of our information on recent alumni suggests that, in comparison to our peers, Brown » See SCORECARD, page 2

planning period, proposed construction would likely take two years By ANICA GREEN SENIOR STAFF WRITER

While President Christina Paxson’s P’19 operational plan elaborates on a previously discussed intention to update the Sharpe Refectory, students should not expect construction to begin in the next year. The building was constructed in 1950, and the infrastructure has never been updated. The planned renovation would update the plumbing and HVAC systems, which would cost an estimated $30 million, said Barbara Chernow ’79, executive vice president of finance and administration. The operational plan reads, “The Sharpe Refectory … no longer provides students with the dining options expected in a 21st century university. The facilities are badly outdated, and the space is not optimized to meet the needs of students to hold meetings, socialize and create

HERALD FILE PHOTO

The renovations to the Sharpe Refectory may include individual meal stations, a bakery and a student activity space. community.” Former Provost Vicki Colvin emerged as a major proponent of renovations to the Ratty during her year on the job. “I’m a graduate of Brown from 1979, and I remember eating fondly at the Ratty, but it really hasn’t changed very much,” Chernow said. Other features of the Ratty are also slotted for overhaul. The central hub of the dining room will be replaced by individual stations like the omelette bar, giving students a chance to enjoy meals

prepared in front of them, Chernow said. The doors that face Patriot’s Court may also be opened to allow easier flow and more access to the space, she said. The basement dining area that is currently the Ivy Room will be updated to accommodate student activities and late night events, and the rooms that are often locked on the main floor’s sides will see increased utilization, Chernow said. Retail options could also be added, she said. The Ratty could also see the addition » See RATTY, page 4

Fall theater lineup explores Angus ’17.5 eyes Olympic dream nuances of human connection

FIELD HOCKEY

After first tour with Canadian national team, Angus ’17.5 brings national experience back to Brown

Student, faculty production companies stage complex narratives of love, identity

By MATT BROWNSWORD

By CAMILLA BRANDFIELD-HARVEY

SENIOR STAFF WRITER

STAFF WRITER

On Feb. 7 — while most students were trudging to class through the yard-high snow — Katarina Angus ’17.5 was suiting up for the most important game of her field hockey career. So far, that is. A 4-0 loss to New Zealand — a game in which Angus played for 30 minutes — was not a great debut for Angus on the Canadian women’s field hockey team, but her appearance marked the realization of a lifelong dream, she said. “It was a very cool experience. It was very intimidating — the game kind of happened, I don’t really remember a lot of it,” Angus said, laughing. “I think I was just making sure that I was marking my player. It was very fast, it was very high-paced — it was a really great way to start my career.” Angus has been playing with affiliates of the Canadian national team since a young age. Before coming to Brown, she played on the under-16 and under-18 national squads. But while trying out for the under-21 junior national team, she was asked by Head Coach Ian Rutledge

Love is in the air and on the stage this fall, as Sock and Buskin, Production Workshop and Shakespeare on the Green prepare plays that navigate the timeless complications of familial and romantic relationships. Though love characterizes most of the fall season, individual plays explore specific facets of human interaction, particularly personal identity and community. Production Workshop will produce “Crimes of the Heart,” directed by Ellie Gravitte ’17, and “Marat/Sade,” directed by Andrew Colpitts ’16. “Crimes of the Heart,” written by Beth Henley, won the Pulitzer Prize and the New York Drama Critics Circle Award in 1981 and was nominated for a Tony Award for Best Play in 1982. The play features three sisters who convene at a family home in Mississippi after one of the sisters shoots her abusive husband. The play, which debuts in the PW Upspace this weekend, examines “the

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Katarina Angus ’17.5 has dominated since arriving at Brown, scoring multiple game-winning goals throughout her career. to practice with the senior squad. She jumped at the opportunity. “It was really cool — a really great experience to play at a completely different level,” Angus said. “It was really nice to be exposed to what the next level of field hockey actually is and where you need to be to play at an international level.” “It was tough; the training was hard,” she added. “But it was fun, and I’ve enjoyed it so far.” Yet Angus faced a difficult decision when Rutledge asked if she wanted to take a semester off last spring to practice and go to tournaments with the national

team. “Brown is such an incredible place and so special, I didn’t ever even want to take a semester abroad because I didn’t want to miss time at Brown,” Angus said. But she chose to join the team and has no regrets. “It was something I needed to do for my career and to be able to establish myself on the Canadian team,” she said. Head Coach Jill Reeve was “delighted” that Angus was going to play with Canada during her spring semester. “It’s been a desire for her to play at the next » See OLYMPICS, page 4

redeeming power of love in a family” and “the human need to talk about your lives with other people,” Gravitte said. Gravitte stressed the importance of the play’s focus on women and their “dynamic” interactions with men. The play is set entirely within a kitchen, representing a traditional space of domesticity where men “function as the outside world coming in,” she said. “Watching the women respond to the different dynamics the men bring into the room is always really interesting, and sometimes really fun, and sometimes really sexy,” she added. Inspired by director Elia Kazan, who said, “Every picture is successful that has one little miracle in it,” Gravitte said that above all, she hopes to focus on small, everyday interactions between people and make them into “mini miracles.” A floor below Gravitte in the PW Downspace, Colpitts spearheads the production of “Marat/Sade,” a complex play within a play. Set in a 19th century insane asylum outside Paris, the Marquis de Sade directs fellow inmates in a play recounting the assassination of revolutionary Jean-Paul Marat. The show explores a different facet of human connection, focusing on the suffering and oppression of society’s “undesirables,” such as revolutionaries, criminals or individuals with learning disabilities locked away by the » See THEATER, page 3

WEATHER

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

ARTS & CULTURE New options at Andrews Commons include made-to-order doughnuts, local yogurt bar

SPORTS Payton Smith ’17 turns recordbreaking performances into string of wins for volleyball

COMMENTARY Asker ’17: Claims that 257 Thayer has the potential to create class stratification are overblown

COMMENTARY Secondo ’16: The presidential race is overshadowed by polarizing personalities

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UNIVERSITY NEWS PAGE 2 • FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

Judaic studies department faces shifting enrollment, few concentrators To attract more students, department introduces six new or revamped courses this academic year By ANDREW FRIEDMAN CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Enrollment in Judaic studies courses reached 199 students last year, compared with 160 students in the 2013-14 academic year and 280 students in the 2007-08 academic year., continuing a decade-long trend of fluctuation. The department currently has three concentrators, said Adam Teller, associate professor of history and Judaic studies. In 2013 there was one, in 2014 there were two and in 2015 there were none, according to Focal Point. “What we try to do is take students who are doing another concentration and have an interest in these matters and help them do a second concentration” in Judaic studies, Teller said. Most students who enroll in a Judaic studies course do not concentrate. The Department of Judaic Studies is offering 11 courses this semester, some with miniscule enrollments. Only one student is enrolled in JUDS 0681: “Great Jewish Books;” JUDS 1701: “Jews and Revolutions in the 20th Century” has an

enrollment of three. The optimal class size is “somewhere in the range of 12,” said Michael Satlow, professor of Judaic studies. The overall decline in enrollment in Judaic studies at Brown — 7 percent since 2005 — corresponds with a downward trend observed at peer institutions across the country. In a survey conducted this year by the Association for Jewish Studies, 30 percent of the 1,790 professors surveyed reported a perceived decline in enrollment, whereas only 21 percent reported a perceived increase. Professor of Judaic Studies David Jacobson cited declining interest in the humanities as a possible reason for the current trend in Judaic studies. Most attribute this to students’ deciding to “undertake a course of study that would lead more directly to success in a career that will provide them with economic security,” Jacobson wrote in an email to The Herald. Satlow echoed this sentiment, saying the 2008 recession may have influenced students to take more career-focused classes. Most of the top-10 declared concentrations are “what you might call practical concentrations,” he said, adding that students may “think that this is going to be a path toward future employment.” Teller identified a different reason for

the decline in Judaic studies enrollment, citing a millennial desire to effect immediate change on global issues rather than study the history behind them first. Millennials “see the problems in the world around them as very, very important and to be dealt with now,” he said. The Judaic studies department has developed new courses in an attempt to combat low enrollment. Out of the 24 courses offered by the department this year, six are new or have been redesigned, Teller said. Among the new courses for this year are “Jews and Revolutions in the 20th Century,” taught by Visiting Associate Professor of Judaic Studies Rachel Rojanski, and JUDS 0060: “The Bible and Moral Debate,” taught by Professor of Judaic Studies and Religioius Studies Saul Olyan. The curriculum overhaul represents an effort to make the program more interdisciplinary, Satlow said. “To me, the draw of Judaic studies, intellectually, has always been its interdisciplinarity,” he said. A Judaic studies course “really approaches a problem from a variety of disciplinary perspectives, and that can be intellectually freeing.” Students enrolled in Judaic studies courses voiced positive feedback on the curriculum reform efforts. “There are a lot of opinions on campus regarding pro-Israel and antiIsrael. I think it’s really important that we become informed from an academic perspective, and I think that is a practical skill, being able to discuss” prominent political issues, said Shira Buchsbaum ’19, a Herald contributing writer, who

» SCORECARD, from page 1 graduates are more likely to work in the non-profit sector, which could be another part of the explanation,” wrote Tracy Barnes, director of institutional research, in an email to The Herald. “This is even more often the case for the graduates who were recipients of Pell Grants.” Approximately 30 percent of Pell Grant recipients and 21 percent of nonPell Grant recipients work at nonprofits after graduation, Barnes wrote. As College Scorecard only takes into account the median earnings of students who received financial aid, a high percentage of Pell Grant recipients choosing to work in nonprofits greatly affects the overall number reported on a university’s profile. “I love that our students are passionate about helping people, helping communities or just doing something that’s for the greater good,” said Matthew Donato, director of CareerLAB, adding that CareerLAB programs such as “Careers in the Common Good” provide resources and access to alums for

Brown students enrolled in Judaic studies courses

Though Judaic studies enrollment has fluctuated greatly over the last decade, the department has seen an overall decline of 7 percent since 2005. 300 students 250 200 150 100 2005-06

2008-09 2011-12 2014-15 Source: Office of Institutional Research LAURA FELENSTEIN / HERALD

is taking JUDS 0050M: “Difficult Relations? Judaism and Christianity from the Middle Ages until the Present,” a first-year seminar taught by Teller. Julia Rosenfeld ’19 said after “randomly” shopping a Judaic studies course that piqued her interest, she hopes to take more classes in the department. Another reason for decline in enrollment could be a drop in students who identify as Jewish, since Jewish students may be inclined to take courses related to their religion, Jacobson wrote. The percentage of students who indicate no religious preference on an annual survey distributed by the Higher Education Research Institute at University of California at Los Angeles increased about 12 percent from 2005 to 2015. In response to the decline in religious

identification, the Judaic studies department is making efforts to recruit more non-Jewish students. But the department seeks to attract all students, regardless of religious identity, Teller said. “We’re aimed to anyone who’s interested,” he said. One problem that the Judaic studies department faces when attempting to recruit students is a misperception that Judaic studies classes require a prior knowledge of Judaism or Hebrew, Teller said. In reality, almost none of the courses in the department require a background in Judaic studies, he said. “We’re not an extension of religious school, of synagogue, of Hillel, or anything like that,” Olyan said. “My biggest concern is that some students out there do perceive us that way.”

students exploring careers in nonprofit organizations. “It’s really great that our students want to take the super strong education that they get here and apply it to fixing problems in a very direct way.” College Scorecard also reveals a stark wage gap between male and female alums at Brown and many of its peers. On average, female Brown attendees earn $18,800 — or 80 percent — less than their male counterparts. While Brown has the smallest gender wage gap among all Ivy League schools, this gap tends to increase across the Ivies as both genders earn more. There is a $54,600 discrepancy between the earnings of female and male Harvard attendees, and Yale women earn around 69 percent of what Yale men earn. There are several potential explanations for the persistence of this wage gap across schools. In general, women are more likely than men to take a leave from work or reduce their hours in order to care for families, according to the Pew Research Center. Another potential explanation lies

in the ratio of male to female students in science, technology, engineering and math fields. STEM graduates frequently earn more than other graduates straight out of college, largely because fields such as engineering and computer science are directly applicable to jobs in the market, said David Targan, associate dean of the College for science and director of the Science Center. With a degree in one of those two areas, “it is pretty likely that you can start with a job that’s relatively well paying,” he said. “You don’t necessarily need to go to graduate school in order to get a job.” Women are typically underrepresented in science and math departments, especially in the physical sciences, “a trend that has been in evidence for decades” and is “true nationally,” Targan said. Only 32 percent of the sophomores who declared concentrations in engineering last semester and 28 percent of those who declared concentrations in computer science were female, according to the Office of the Registrar. “It can be difficult for a female student to be in a class where they’re in the minority,” Targan said, adding that often women interested in STEM fields do not feel they have faculty or peer role models. The University has programs such as Women in Science and Engineering and Women in Computer Science that pair female STEM students with mentors with the aim of breaking down the stereotypes surrounding female science and math concentrators. It is vital that universities work on addressing the gender stereotypes perpetuated in STEM fields, Targan said. One place that universities can begin to enact change is the hiring process: STEM departments need to ensure that they attract a diverse faculty in terms of both gender and race, she said.

LILLY NGUYEN / HERALD

ARTS & CULTURE FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015 • PAGE 3

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

Andrews offers uncommon food options, helping ease congestion in lines Made-to-order doughnut station, homemade granola bar delight students’ taste buds By OLIVIA KATCHER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

From cereal-topped doughnuts to locally sourced yogurt bowls, Andrews Commons has introduced a new selection of food this semester, using the month of September as a testing ground to determine what the house specials will be. Starting in November, a set of rotating specials will be finalized based on how students react to the new food options. Bobby Noyes, assistant manager of retail operations at Andrews, said he has already determined that the made-toorder doughnut and breakfast fried rice stations will become weekend brunch staples. The homemade granola bar, which is made with Andrews’ own granola, local yogurt and fresh fruit, will also be available during brunch. Brunch is only offered on weekends, when students have more time to enjoy their meals, Noyes said. “During brunch we’re able to craft the food in a more relaxed setting.” The increased quality of food across every station at the eatery has cut down long lines at popular stations, Noyes said. “Last semester, the brunch burrito was always the number one seller. Adding new options has helped create more interest at different stations.”

» THEATER , from page 1 bourgeoisie. Colpitts said one of the most important aspects of the show is the notion of change, or lack thereof. While the play concerns the frustrating social stagnancy after the French Revolution, Colpitts said he sees “perfect resonance nowadays,” with upper classes maintaining a disproportionate influence on society. A history of 19th-century prison culture also informs the set, which will include cage-like barriers separating the audience from the inmates. “It’s to underscore elements of voyeurism, in the way that we even nowadays look at social movements from a privileged and protected space,” Colpitts said. “When we look at wars, we look at them through news. We have distance from it.” Colpitts said he hopes the audience will reflect deeply on the themes, quoting Marat’s line: “The important thing is to pull yourself up by your own hair, to turn yourself inside out and see the whole world with fresh eyes.” This reflection is further enforced by Sock and Buskin’s fall lineup. “Red Paint,” written and directed by Nikteha Salazar ’16, is a surrealist exploration of the contemporary Mexican-American identity in the United States. Salazar said the play focuses on a father and a daughter “seeking love and understanding from one another while also trying to understand their collective past.” The play borrows from Salazar’s relationship with her father, a former professor with a background in Native American and Mexican studies. It also draws on her experiences growing up with a mixed ethnic background, as her mother has Russian and Jewish heritage. In addition, the show explores the

Andrews brunch has only been available twice since the start of the semester, but the new selection has already received great reviews. Caroline Blanck ’19 said she tried the granola bowl this past weekend and thought it was “dank.” “I had strawberry yogurt, granola, strawberries, dried cherries and chocolate chips. It was really delicious, and I would definitely have it again,” she said. Blanck also added that the portion is large, which allows students to save some for later. Matthew Knoeppel ’18 also said he enjoyed the granola bar, adding that he appreciates having a healthy meal option that he can use just one meal credit for. “The fruit cup is so expensive, so it is really nice to get fresh fruit in my meal without paying extra,” he said, noting that the portion he received was filling. Though he has not yet had a granola bowl, Tyler Williams ’18 said he is interested in trying one. “I love fruit, but the $4 price shies me away from buying it at Andrews,” he said, adding that he is excited that the eatery is offering a healthy, locally grown breakfast option. Knoeppel said he also enjoyed the made-to-order doughnut bar. “They feel homemade, like artisan doughnuts,” he said. He chose vanilla glaze and Cinnamon Toast Crunch for his doughnut’s toppings and said he would definitely order it again. Though Sam Fredericks ’19 said he crafted a delicious doughnut with caramel sauce and Oreo bits, the result was “so sugary, you feel bad about yourself after you eat it, but at the same time, it’s

so good you can’t stop eating it.” He said he got the doughnut as an addition to his meal because it costs less than $3. Williams agreed that the price of the doughnut is just right. He said he got the doughnut as a side to his breakfast burrito and did not feel like he was spending too many points on top of the meal credit he used. Williams and Jason Massey ’18 said they were unaware of Andrews’ new selection until they came into the eatery and saw the different options this past weekend. “We would have definitely come in sooner and tried the new options had we known Andrews had changed up its menu,” Massey said. Andrews is trying to increase its social media reach through Facebook and Snapchat, posting the upcoming week’s meal options and specials, Noyes said. The eatery’s staff is trying to let students know what food they can look forward to when they walk into Andrews. “We have a ton of student workers, over 160, and we also have student managers that oversee the student staff. The day-to-day marketing comes from them,” he said. Noyes said it is more difficult to narrow down the selection of weeknight dinner options, and there are an overwhelming number of new items that could be incorporated into the menu. “We are bread-carb-centric, and we are comfort-based driven. Our anchor is a big pizza oven, but we are trying to implement new, lighter things like fried rice, the stir fry station and tacos,” he said. On Saturday nights, Andrews offers a rotation of different Asian-influenced

cycles of institutional, racial, personal and domestic violence that are “so pervasive within the Latino communities, specifically the Chicano and MexicanAmerican communities,” Salazar said. But Salazar does not consider the play strictly autobiographical. “I think that all works that anyone writes have to be somewhat autobiographical,” she said. “It’s inspired by my life. It’s definitely not a biography of my life.” The play’s surrealist elements ultimately remove the show from stark reality, she said. Features include live flowers, characters called Choke and Spit that take after Tweedledee and Tweedledum and a set full of sand and overgrowth, “like a crazy garden,” meant to symbolize a verdant threshold to the American Dream. The Sock and Buskin season also includes shows directed by faculty members in the Department of Theatre Arts and Performance Studies. Laura Rikard, visiting assistant professor of TAPS, will direct “The Seagull” by Anton Chekhov, while Kym Moore, associate professor of TAPS, will direct “The Road Weeps, The Well Runs Dry,” written by Marcus Gardley, assistant professor of TAPS. Amidst the theater season’s explorations of familial, political and ethnic identities, “The Seagull” attends to the identity of the artist. Rikard said the show, which will debut in Leeds Theatre, is a particularly great piece “when you work in education … because it comments so much on the endurance of being a theater artist, and on being a writer.” Rikard drew on the imagery of the seagull to describe the play’s overall theme. “If an artist flies and goes out into the world and leaves the lake, it will be hard, and it’s not easy to succeed,” she said. “But the more you work in your craft, the more you fail in your craft, the

more you keep trying, the more your craft can get you through anything.” Despite the timelessness of the play’s themes, Rikard said she decided to maintain 19th-century style and costume. “Especially when it comes to Chekhov, the audience has to come to the table and be ready to eat,” she said. “It is a strongly intellectual piece of theater, but it’s also a guttural, very heartfelt piece.” In the Stuart Theatre next door, Kym Moore has been working on a play based on the history of the Black Seminoles in Oklahoma. Moore said while we often talk about diversity, our discussions are frequently limited to black and white dualities or black, white and Latino groupings, with some incorporation of Asian identities and rare inclusions of a Native American narrative. Providence has a substantial population of diverse Native Americans, “and we know nothing about them, and they’re right here,” she said. Moore spotlights two men, one a freeman and the other a “full-blood Seminole,” who fall in love but choose

LAUREN SHIN / HERALD

Andrews Commons’ made-to-order doughnut station is one of many new options currently being tested as a potential long-term dining choice. tacos, which Noyes said he is hoping will become a staple on the eatery’s rotating menu. Some of the new dinner options, such as the tacos, have been received well by students. Lisa Schold ’19 described the tacos as “inventive, delicious and fairly priced.” But other new food options have not caught on as well so far. Some students like the stir-fry station because “you can make it as healthy as you want,” Fredericks said. But others like Blanck said the noodles are “pretty greasy.” Despite her

ambivalence toward the station, Blanck said she has eaten the stir-fry four times simply because she “just didn’t want to get pizza.” As an alternative, she said she would like to see Andrews come up with a salad bar of some sort. As Andrews’ staff works to find the perfect rotating specials menu, the staff will continue pursuing new culinary ideas and ventures. “We don’t like to eat the same thing day in day out, so we’re always going to be making new food and rolling new things out in the near future,” Noyes said.

not to pursue a relationship due to their cultures and locations. The “destructiveness” of not substantiating this love curses the whole town and causes the well to run dry, Moore said. And thus the show becomes a mythic, romantic and Western “Romeo and Juliet,” complete with cowboys and horses, Moore said. “It’s epic drama.” Finally, Shakespeare on the Green will produce an original show that challenges the tropes of queer love. Luke Denton ’17 directs “Comfort and Despair,” a piece devised working from Shakespeare’s sonnets. “We’re taking the narrative flow and the themes presented in the sonnets, and we’ll be creating a new story from that,” Denton said, adding that the play will be a contemporary realization of that narrative in contemporary English. Though the script is still in development, Denton said the plot currently involves a twisted love quadrangle in which a gender-nondescript character falls in love with a young man, who falls in love with “the Dark Lady,” who in turn enters a “strange sexual relationship” with the Poet.

Denton said his main goal is to figure out “how to tell a queer romance in the modern storytelling.” “If you trace the history of queer presentations in media, you see a lot of coming-out narratives, which become a lot of romance narratives tainted by this cultural acceptance element,” he said. Denton said he wants his audience to walk away having seen a romance in and of itself and to view this love as timeless rather than one riddled with stereotypes. Evoking Marat’s instruction to turn oneself inside out and to see the world through new eyes, the fall season encourages audiences to pay attention to themselves and those around them, to share the stories that haven’t been told and to challenge the ones that have. At PW, “Crimes of the Heart” runs Sept. 25-28 and “Marat/Sade” runs Oct. 16-19. From Sock and Buskin, “The Seagull” runs Oct. 1-4 and Oct. 8-11, “The Road Weeps, The Well Runs Dry” runs Nov. 5-8 and Nov. 12-15 and “Red Paint” runs Dec. 3-6. From Shakespeare on the Green, “Comfort and Despair” runs Oct. 23-25.

SPORTS

PAGE 4 • FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

ATHLETE OF THE WEEK

What is your favorite part of being a member of Brown’s volleyball team? I would say having a family on campus. It is just really nice to know that all of them have my back. I really love being close with the upperclassmen and

What are your thoughts on the rest of the season? I’m very hopeful. I think our freshmen are excellent and bring a sort of competitiveness to the team. And I think our seniors this year are doing a great job of bonding us, and everyone is really stepping up this year, so I would say I’m hopeful.

level, and I think that this helps her reach her full potential.” Now back on the field for Brown, Angus’ has seamlessly transitioned from the national level to the collegiate level. The third-year star already has two gamewinning goals for Brown to go along with a team-high seven points, which already eclipses her season totals from last year. “The big difference is the fitness level,” Angus said. “Everyone is so fit, and everything happens at a much faster speed (in national competition). … I feel like I can try to implement a quickness in our game.” Though she mainly plays in the back for Canada, Reeve has shifted her slightly upfield this year for the Bears, which has led to the uptick in offensive production — success Angus attributes to her work earlier in the year. Playing with Canada “has given me a good sense of what can be done in the positions I’m in,” Angus said. Teammates appreciate having Angus back on the field. “Having her power and strength a little further forward is great,” said cocaptain Alexis Miller ’16. “When she injects into our attack from the back, she’s great at creating opportunities and corners, which really helps our team.” It is not only on-the-field improvements that Angus has brought back to the States. She also came back “more mature,” Reeve said. After a troubling 6-1 loss to Providence College, Angus joined co-captains Anna Masini ’16 and Miller in reassuring the team and providing constructive criticism. “There’s definitely been an increase in her knowledge of the game,” Miller

said. “She’s definitely matured more as a player. She listens when she needs to and dishes commands as well.” After the Bears’ somewhat disappointing conference campaign, Angus is hoping her national experience — combined with the wealth of young and veteran talent that Reeve has at her disposal — will make Brown a force to be reckoned with in the coming years. The team’s goals this season are “to keep winning and start competing in the Ivy League,” Angus said. “This year and next year will be really good chances to establish ourselves as a great team.” “She’s one of our top players,” Reeve said. “It’s great that she’s a part of our group. Brown field hockey is meaningful to her, and she definitely appreciates that our team is special.” For Canada, the next few years will be defined by its success in future tournaments: Having not qualified for the 2016 Olympics, the team’s focus will shift to qualifying for the 2020 games. The Olympics “is definitely in reach,” Angus said. “We’re really looking toward qualifying for 2020, and there’s a lot of really cool tournaments, like the Commonwealth Games and the World Cup, in 2017 and 2018 and 2019 coming up. There’s a lot of opportunities for qualification, and that’s definitely something I’d love to be a part of.” But for now, Angus is dedicating her fall semesters to Brown, which has established a goal of winning the Ivy League for the first time since it shared the crown with Princeton in 1999. “I’m extremely excited to be back at Brown,” Angus said with an infectious smile. The Ivy League might not feel the same way.

hall renovations on other campuses, Chernow said. Though fundraising has not officially begun, alums have already expressed enthusiasm for the idea, she said, adding that she expects a successful and exciting campaign. While the price tag is large, students should not expect meal plan price to increase in the coming years as a result. In

fact, the updates to the infrastructure could cause total operating costs to fall, though Chernow said that it is impossible to predict at this early stage of the process. The current time frame for the execution of this project remains uncertain. “Renovations will happen to the Refectory; I do not know when,” said Richard Bova, senior associate dean of Residential

Life and Dining Services. Chernow said she expects the planning process to take a year before going to the Corporation for approval, adding that the construction process could take an additional 24 months. In order to accommodate student dining options, the construction will likely be done in phases, and expansions to other dining facilities

will likely be made. UCS is committed to having students be an active part of the process, Gourley said. “In terms of my role on UCS, I want to make sure that … students are able to give feedback,” he said. “It’s important for students to have the opportunity to contribute to the Ratty development process throughout the planning phases.”

Smith ’17 garners MVP, Ivy League honors With record-setting .900 hitting percentage, junior leads Brown to most wins in Ivy League By TANEIL RUFFIN SENIOR STAFF WRITER

The women’s volleyball team dealt handily with all three of its opponents last weekend at the Central Connecticut State University Invitational, dropping only one set throughout the entire tournament. Following this weekend’s commanding performance, Bruno currently boasts the most victories in the Ivy League with its 6-5 record. Payton Smith ’17 has been instrumental to the team’s efforts so far this season, and the middle blocker was particularly prolific last weekend, leading the team to its three wins with a tournament total of 37 kills and 11 blocks. Her impressive play at the net twice tied top-five single-game hitting percentages in program history. Smith tied the second-highest hitting percentage in Brown history in the match against Holy Cross with a .900 percentage, and her .692 hitting percentage against Hartford matched the fourth-highest mark. Smith’s stellar performance earned her All-Tournament team and MVP accolades as well as a place on the Ivy League’s weekly Honor Roll. For her leadership and career-best performances, Smith has been named The Herald’s Athlete of the Week. Herald: How did you first start

» RATTY, from page 1 of a bakery, said Sazzy Gourley ’16, president of the Undergraduate Council of Students. It is estimated that the project will cost around $50 million, including the $30 million structural renovation. This figure is in line with the costs of dining

» OLYMPICS, from page 1

playing volleyball? Smith: I first started in high school, my freshman year. I just kind of wanted to join something with my friends, and I really didn’t think anything of it. Also, my younger sister was pretty sick with an autoimmune disease, and my parents were kind of busy with her, and I had to find an extracurricular after school. I was on the freshmen team that year, so it wasn’t very good. I guess I started as a way to kind of keep busy.

When did volleyball become more than just a way to keep busy? Junior year. Freshman year I was just starting and still learning about the sport. And then I started playing club just in my area sophomore year. And then junior year I started playing on a more serious club team and emailing college coaches and putting myself out there, not really expecting anything, but that’s when it took a more serious turn. How did it feel to be chosen as the Most Valuable Player at the CCSU Invitational? It was very exciting! It was great, and I’m really proud of the entire team. With my position especially, it requires a good pass, a good set and a lot of teamwork, so I was just really proud of them.

JOSH STERN / HERALD

Middle blocker Payton Smith ’17 has been instrumental to her team. being able to lead the underclassmen and having that family dynamic away from home is very nice. Pregame meal of choice? Probably grilled chicken.

TODAY

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015 • PAGE 5

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

p r i n c e g e t s a fa c e l i f t

SATELLITE DINING ANDREWS COMMONS

Pizza: Buffalo Chicken, Harvest, Bacon Cheeseburger JOSIAH’S

BLUE ROOM

Made-to-Order Quesadillas

Soup in a Bread Bowl Kabob and Curry

DINING HALLS SHARPE REFECTORY LUNCH

DINNER

Sesame Noodles, Vegan Cajun Potatoes, Sunny Sprouts, Chocolate Frosted Eclaires

Tex-Mex Lasagna, Vegan Italian Vegetable Saute, Marble Cake with White Frosting

VERNEY-WOOLLEY LUNCH

DINNER

Breaded Chicken Fingers, Hot Dog on a Bun, Nacho Bar, Butterscotch Chip Bars

Cavatelli Primavera, Tilapia Provencale, Chocolate Caramel Cheesecake

sudoku

RELEASE DATE– Friday, September 25, 2015

Los Angeles Times Puzzle c r o sDaily s w oCrossword rd Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis

ACROSS 1 Better protected 6 “Poppycock!” 10 Badlands Natl. Park site 14 Coarse 15 Suspicious of 16 Pup follower? 17 Up for grabs, in a way 18 Lit. intro 19 “Willard” antagonists 20 The joke at the audiologists’ convention __ 23 Solo, say 24 Indian author Santha Rama __ 25 Century-starting year 26 The joke at the chemists’ convention __ 32 Not treat lightly 34 Normandy river 35 “Defending Our Nation. Securing The Future” org. 36 __ swings 37 “POV” airer 38 Extreme degrees 39 “The Trumpet of the Swan” monogram 40 Boxed dozen 42 Vail topper 44 The joke at the firefighters’ convention __ 47 Part of a friskiness metaphor 48 Jersey’s chew 49 “The Simpsons” leisure suit wearer 52 The joke at the cashiers’ convention __ 56 Not even close 57 Lightest meson 58 Ex-TV host Stewart 59 Kick back 60 Required bet 61 “R.U.R.” writer Capek 62 Language that gave us “bard” 63 Old Royale 8’s 64 Gambling aids: Abbr.

DOWN 1 Shining target 2 Journey frontman Pineda 3 Mature 4 Henry James biographer 5 Backtalk 6 The Carpenters, e.g. 7 Regarding 8 Mississippi travelers 9 “Meet the Fockers” co-star 10 Channel relative 11 Word John doesn’t want to see? 12 They’re seen in columns 13 Lapidary’s meas. 21 Some flatbreads 22 Nero’s “Behold!” 27 Ref. shelf filler 28 Singer Rihanna’s first name 29 Where a love story may be written 30 Workers’ rights org. 31 Tweed lampooner 32 Drake, maybe

33 Start of a dramatic question 37 Like new snow 38 End to peace? 40 Evita’s man 41 As expected 42 Complacent 43 Grizzly Alaskans? 45 Walk wearing Luvs 46 Dramatic units

50 Principle 51 Dividing range 52 When one __ closes ... 53 Hardly blessed events 54 Till opener 55 Crack up 56 NFL team with a home field bleachers section called the Dawg Pound

ELI WHITE / HERALD

Students walking up the path to Barus and Holley will notice ongoing construction. Starting Oct. 5, they will be advised to enter Barus and Holley through the Prince Engineering Lab entrance on Brook Street.

comics Comic Sans | Neille-Ann Tan

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:

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calendar

09/25/15

FRIDAY

SEPTEMBER

09/25/15

Mockathon 9:00 A.M. CareerLAB

BURP FEEL-GOOD FRIDAY 12:00 P.M. Faunce, Memorial Lounge

SATURDAY Apple Picking with Bridges International 9:45 A.M. Dame Farms

Neuroscience Seminar with Dr. Connie Cepko 9:00 A.M. Smith-Buonanno, Room 106

SUNDAY GETTING STARTED 101 2:00 P.M. CareerLAB

Cambridge American Stage Tour Presents: “Taming of the Shrew” 8:00 P.M. Alumnae Hall Auditorium

COMMENTARY PAGE 6 • FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Q U O T E O F T H E D AY

“I’m a graduate of Brown from 1979,

Brown Bites: Sept. 19-25 BY MARCY HUANG

Sexual assault survey results Campus was shaken this week by the results of the Association of American Universities’ survey on sexual assault — one of the largest of its kind ever conducted. Female, male and TGQN — transgender, genderqueer, gender non-conforming, questioning or non-listed — undergrads at Brown reported having experienced sexual assault since enrolling at rates higher than the national averages for each of those groups. For female students who have experienced sexual assault, the majority did not report the incidents to Brown, with 70.5 percent not believing the incident was serious enough to report and 47.9 percent believing nothing would be done. The study also revealed a lack of faith in Brown’s process for handling complaints, with only 25.6 percent of students believing that campus officials would fairly investigate the report.

and I remember eating fondly at the Ratty, but it really hasn’t changed

”

very much.

— Barbara Chernow ’79, executive vice president for finance and administration

TGICFF Meal plans also made headlines this week, as The Herald calculated which plans give students the most bang for their buck. The two most expensive plans, 20-meals-per-week and Flex 460, provide students with the cheapest cost-per-meal at $7.55 and $9.19, respectively. The worst value was the off-campus plan, which has students paying $21.60 per meal. The lengths students will go for unlimited Ratty ice cream sundaes never ceases to amaze. A blast from study past A controversial 2001 study led by a Brown professor is back in the spotlight again. Since its publication, Study 329 — a clinical trial on the effects of the antidepressant Paxil — and its lead author, Professor Emeritus Martin Keller, have been dogged by criticism that the study’s results were misreported and that the paper was ghostwritten. Now, a reanalysis of the study’s raw data published last week appears to strengthen those allegations. The reanalysis claims Paxil is ineffective for adolescent use and that the initial paper downplayed the drug’s potential to increase suicidal thoughts for teens.

See ratty on page 1. CORRECTION An article in Thursday’s Herald (“Open forum surveys Title IX at Brown,” Sept. 25) misquoted Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey ’91 MA’06 as saying that the process for handling Title IX complaints would be less “adversarial and dramatic.” In fact, he said it would be less “adversarial and traumatic.” The Herald regrets the error.

Does anybody actually read those campus-wide emails? President Christina Paxson P’19 and Provost Richard Locke P’17 held a forum this week to talk about the recently released “Operational Plan for Building Brown’s Excellence,” which aims to grow Brown in areas of integrative scholarship, educational leadership, academic excellence and campus development. At the forum, Paxson discussed increasing financial aid packages for lower- and middle-income students and international students and said she aims to “hit a level where we are effectively need-blind” for international students. Paxson explained that the plan “focuses on investing in the people who make up Brown — the faculty, the staff, the students,” and that Brown plans to spend more than $1 billion in those areas over the next 10 years. With $1 billion, we could probably buy 20 bags of Fritos at Little Jo’s. Burn, baby, burn Waterfire, your go-to romantic date night — it still counts as romantic if you’ve had four identical dates there, right? — is in danger. Because the riverbed hasn’t been dredged since it was built in 1977, silt deposits have built up, causing the river to become shallower and shallower. The shallow waters make it hard for WaterFire boats to sail, threaten the river’s ecosystem, increase the city’s risk of flooding and prevent recreational boaters from docking in Providence. Yikes. Unfortunately, the city and state would need to allocate at least $5 million for a dredging project, so the issue might not be addressed very soon, and you might have to find another Friday night activity. Nothing kills the mood quite like silt deposits. An update that won’t crash your iPhone Students looking further ahead on their calendars than the impending start of midterm season can rejoice about the upcoming release of an upgraded version of BrownConnect. Brown’s internship and networking site helped students reach out to more than 3,000 alums and provided a way for more than 200 students to find internships last summer. Some students found issues with the original version of BrownConnect, and the update will seek to increase the number of paid internships, STEM internships and full-time job opportunities available to students. There goes our excuses for not applying to anything.

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COMMENTARY FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015 • PAGE 7

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

257 Thayer is not a problem NICHOLAS ASKER opinions columnist

Even though I’m not a 257 Thayer resident and I don’t intend on becoming one, I was piqued by the inflammatory style of Herald Opinions Editor Chad Simon’s ’16 column this week entitled “This side of Thayerdise.” I suspect many readers were, too. Of course, this was the point of his melodramatic piece, so I suppose a mission of sorts was accomplished. Nevermind that I didn’t find the column funny; I can’t expect my sense of humor to align with everyone else’s. But he did highlight a belief that is funny in another sense of the word that some people on campus apparently hold: that 257 Thayer is inimical to the Brown community. Looking past the goading sarcasm and unhelpful tangents of the column, I found his argument unpersuasive mainly because it grossly underestimates the complexity of the issues at play. I’m glad, however, that he succeeded in bringing the community’s attention to a marginal yet existent opinion on this campus. To begin with, the column initially stated that living in 257 Thayer costs $3,300 a month per person. This figure was false, as it represented the total rents of three people paying $1,100 a month. But even after The Herald published a clarification, the column was still vulnerable to claims of overreaction. The fact that people are paying $1,100 a month for rent is not some-

thing to have a tantrum about; based on Brown’s web page on undergraduate fees, I calculated that it costs nearly $900 per person per month to live in regular campus dorms, which are usually doubles, and that suites cost almost $1,000. From this we can see that it’s both unfair and inaccurate to categorize everyone living in 257 Thayer as rich or sellouts. I concede that the building is not aesthetically pleasing, but Simon harping on its tackiness actually reinforces that in fact it’s not the Ritz he’s making

get one thing I want, I should renounce other things I want? Applied to other aspects of our lives, this logic is absurd. I have the privilege of being able to eat more than I need to survive. Of course I want to eat more than this bare minimum, but apparently it’s unreasonable to do so. The strongest claim the columnists make is that 257 Thayer will lead to social stratification, that somehow all the tenants will cloister themselves off from the rest of the University by means of the complex. I like the ideals of diversi-

Even if there were a mild homogenizing effect, that’s not reason enough to say unconditionally that no one should live there. We ought to respect people as rational agents who are just as capable as Simon of taking into consideration the negative effects of their choices, but who also account for other things that matter, like location, friends, comfort, etc. For example, I know that a lot of athletes live in 257 Thayer in part because of its proximity to the athletic facilities. We have to respect that people engaging in cost-benefit analysis will

We ought to respect people as rational agents who are just as capable as Simon of taking into consideration the negative effects of their choices. it out to be, a point that runs contrary to the rest of his column. But this quibbling about pricing and looks is beside the point. Things get interesting when we turn to the bold claims about the negative sociological implications of 257 Thayer. On these issues, Simon echoes an opinions column from last year by Sam Hillestad ’15 entitled “257 Thayer — elitist enclave.” Both columnists make the same non sequitur regarding privilege, which boils down to the following: Brown students who can afford to shouldn’t pursue things they want and can get, like nice housing, because they already have the privilege of going to Brown. Simon says he lives in undesirable housing because “being at Brown is a privilege enough, and it should be for you, too.” But does it follow that if I

ty, “class heterogeneity” and inclusivity as much as the next guy. But these macroscopic phenomena aren’t going to be affected by the construction of a single housing complex. If the argument is that people shouldn’t choose the housing they want and can afford because doing so creates a class schism, then I question whether their choice would actually create stratification. The building houses an inconsequential number of students — a mere 267 according to a Herald article from last year. In addition, these students continue to interact with the diverse campus population in their classes and extracurricular activities, and they’re as close to campus as any dorm. So with ensuing stratification unlikely, we see people can live there and still be “socially conscious.”

come to different conclusions because they come from different circumstances and have different priorities. The columnists’ holier-than-thou attitudes show that they don’t grasp this. Their argument is now reduced to something like, “You should take into account the slight possibility that living in 257 Thayer will tenuously contribute to socioeconomic stratification on campus,” which I think is a fair thing to ask of people. But there are probably more important considerations that outweigh this one. When I’m older, I’m going to try to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood despite the mildly unfortunate consequence that I will infinitesimally contribute to social stratification. There are more effective ways to combat inequality that don’t involve me opting for lower living standards.

Note too that the building doesn’t epitomize exclusivity or classism any more than anything else, and that both columnists fail to propose solutions to the root of the problem. Granted, it’s not easy. Students on campus will always elect to live and spend time with friends who share the same socioeconomic rung because particular classes breed people with the same values and interests. There is no simple solution, and no solution that is worth pursuing on the microscopic level once we take into consideration the complexity of the issue. If socioeconomic integration is possible, it can only be achieved on the macroscopic level by policymakers through education parity and income equality measures, for example. Trying to be funny and dramatic while bashing people’s informed choices is not cool, and in this case it oversimplifies the issues at play. It also works to alienate 257ers, which contravenes the inclusivity Simon supposedly values. I think the wise words of my mom are in order here. When she got fed up dealing with three kids who, quite naturally for their age, found it entertaining to be annoying, she would chide, “What you’re doing is not funny — or cute.” Having quieted us with harsh but true words that were necessary for us to reflect on our behavior, she was able to move on to more productive things.

Nicholas Asker ’17 can be reached at nicholas_asker@brown.edu.

Demagogue and populist REID SECONDO opinions columnist

We live in a hypersensitive age of anxiety and fear. Everywhere we turn, we are reminded of threats and problems that are gradually clawing away at our sense of security. Crippling inequality, racial injustice and rampant gun violence, along with sluggish Main Street growth, gridlocked government and a broken immigration system, are plastered on rotation by media platforms and disseminated by pundits and politicians alike. Add in destabilizing proxy wars and surging global terrorism, plus fluxing financial markets, and there you have it: Overture to the 21st Century Breakdown. Our nation is rattled, and the common man is adrift in a sea of instability. And coincidentally during the early stages of our nation’s ritual exchange of command, the men and women seeking control of the helm exacerbate the brewing storm of uncertainty. One would think that an election cycle during a time of great concern would encourage a candidate to appear as a pacifying, powerful figure who quells public fear, unites a divided people and inspires renewed faith in our nation. Instead, we are further plagued by certain candidates who have chosen to capitalize on the political climate by means unseen since the turn of the last century. William Jennings Bryan, Huey Long and Joseph McCartney share one acrimonious label: demagogue. Meanwhile, the likes of Eugene Debs and George Wallace, who were historically less incendiary, have been assigned the more palatable but

equally charged label of populist. Despite subtle categorical nuances, two leading candidates who might not win the general election have certainly joined these two groups as representatives of 21st century American demagoguery and populism: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. What more is there to say about the most colorful, disruptive, entertaining sideshowturned-disconcerting-frontrunner presidential candidate of the modern political age that has not been said already? Trump is the ideal demagogue; he panders on the passions and prejudices of a fearful, ignorant populace and uses his braggadocio and blustering talk in order

dent in order to assign blame for America’s fall from grace. Trump is not the breath of fresh air needed to shake the system of talking-head leaders and ineffective government, but a poisonous gas of intoxicating hyperbole and reality distortion that intentionally keeps a house divided for the sake of manipulative control. On the other end of the spectrum, minus the extreme rancor and rhetoric, is the socialist Vermont senator out to upend crony capitalism and ignite a political revolution against the privileged and powerful. He has assumed the progressive (what does that even mean anymore?) mantle in the quest to assail corporate America and the 1 percent for their economic

Despite the different labels, Trump and Sanders follow the same modus operandi to achieve their goals. to seize power. To a significant percentage of Americans, our lethargic nation is diseased by immigrants, career politicians and lost jobs to China and can only be saved by a “smart” and “really rich” racist, misogynistic plutocrat. He is everything the common man is not, but he is venerated as the purported embodiment of what success and power can be. Trump indulges the emotional sentiments of angry white politics and masterfully weaves artistry with vulgarity to create an irresistible image of a cult leader. His real talk of reality plays to the warped views of an embittered populace willing to embrace xenophobia or decry our Muslim-Kenyan pretender presi-

gains and strip them of control through wealth distribution and industry oversight. His dowdy frankness and rejection of polished politics have turned him into the crazy-uncle cult figure hailed by frustrated collegiate liberals, exhippies and the “marginalized” white middle class. Sanders scapegoats financially successful people and institutions as criminals responsible for inequality, playing to the scorned public’s demands for retribution after years of being sold a hoax economic recovery. He is not a fringe candidate, but a voice that stirs classist prejudices and socioeconomic hostilities to reawaken the populist grassroots agenda against

the nation’s political and economic establishment and the stereotyped people that represent them. There is a fine line between a populist crusader and a crazed demagogue. Traditionally, the former is a recognized leader of a concrete reform movement who needs the support of followers to thrive and respects the rules of engagement. The latter is a one-man show who does not care or need the people who believe in him and is willing to operate outside the box to win. Yet despite the different labels, Trump and Sanders follow the same modus operandi to achieve their goals. Both masquerade as uncorrupted advocates of the people by challenging the failed establishment and saying what their followers want to hear. Using their charisma and their followers’ blind trust, they deliver dangerous and divisive politics to scare their followers, whip up anger and then cast arbitrary blame onto fellow citizens because of their ethnicity, gender or monetary success and seek retribution from them and their protective institutions. Strip away the personas and ideologies, and exposed is a pair of political opportunists exploiting a frustrated nation for the ultimate prize in the land. Both are seeking a mandate, and hopefully the people of this country are aware enough to not give it to them.

Reid Secondo ’16 is a frustrated American who hopes to wake up from the 2016 election nightmare to a recharged and refocused nation under a cohesive government. Who says we can’t dream, right?

SPORTS COMMENTARY THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2015

Ranking the NFL’s TV broadcast teams BY MIKE FIRN sports columnist

After many months of hibernation, America’s sport is finally back in action. Once again, air pressure takes a back seat to touchdowns. Once again, Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays are football days. Once again, Al Michaels and Jim Nantz are important people in my life. Broadcasters are the voices and faces of TV programs starring men who grunt behind masks. The human brain is wired to connect images to sound, and these guys are the interpreters. They input the chaos on the field and spin it into a narrative that fans can easily digest alongside a beer. The good ones are expressive, insightful and informative. The bad ones are cliched, inane and rambling. The good ones strike a balance between entertaining and calling a football game. The bad ones just get in the way. Like it or not, broadcast teams play

a prominent role in the NFL fan experience. So while the analysts sit in the booth and rank the teams, I sit at my desk and rank the rankers. Below is a worst-to-first breakdown of the lead broadcast teams of the four major NFL TV networks. 4. Fox — Joe Buck, Troy Aikman For Fox’s top duo, experience matters. This pair has been together longer than any other on this list, and it shows in their camaraderie. They are as steady as they come. You know exactly what you’re getting with Buck and Aikman. Unfortunately, what you’re getting isn’t very exciting. Buck’s commentary is quick and reliable, but it’s also smug and monotone. Aikman’s analysis is focused and on-point, but it’s also superficial and redundant. These guys are rarely wrong and rarely offensive. No one sticks more to the script. Stating the obvious only gets you so far. They won’t make you mute the TV, and they won’t try to steal the show, but they also won’t excite you or teach you anything new.

3. CBS — Jim Nantz, Phil Simms Together since 2004, this pair is the second-longest tenured of the bunch. The strength of the CBS broadcast starts with the golden voice of Nantz. Sure, sometimes it feels as if I’m watching golf rather than football, but Nantz has the smoothest delivery in the business. His commentary is cool and collected, but when fireworks fly, he knows how to get the people going. Too often, though, Nantz’s evenkeeled play-by-play is undermined by Simms’ erratic analysis. His rambling drivel and frequent verbal crutches are at best comical and at worst unbearable. His antics have even spawned a Twitter account devoted to tracking his most ridiculous quotes (@philsimmsquotes). I want Jim Nantz to narrate my life. But if Simms is beside him saying things like “If you’re gonna blitz, you’re a blitzing team,” I don’t always want to hear him call a football game. 2. ESPN — Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden Yes, Tirico can be a bit bland. Yes,

Gruden can be a bit goofy. But no team is more entertaining. Tirico’s play-by-play provides the steady, unspectacular yin to Gruden’s off-the-wall yang. In a world full of Bucks and Aikmans, ESPN’s broadcast is refreshing and unique. Gruden’s earto-ear smile does sometimes venture into absurd caricature, but he consistently balances it with the sharp insight of a former NFL coach. This team accomplishes the tricky task of entertaining while also informing. 1. NBC — Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth Simply put, this team is the gold standard. Al Michaels is the voice of the NFL. It’s hard to say anything bad about Michaels after 29 years in the booth. His play-by-play is unparalleled — crisp, original and packed with insight. Cris Collinsworth is not the legend that his partner is. He always seems to deliver a few nonsensical head-scratchers per game, but he also adds more value with his football acumen than any other color commentator. Collinsworth picks

up on intricacies that are only perceptible to a league veteran and breaks them down in relatable ways that casual fans can appreciate. If there’s a criticism of NBC’s duo, it’s that sometimes they gush over a certain player or story. But at the end of the day, it’s Michaels and Collinsworth I want calling the biggest games of the year. Announcers are often easy targets for sulking fans. It’s hard not to ruffle a few feathers in a job that requires you to speak objectively to millions of partisans. It’s a lot easier to poke and prod the guy announcing your team’s loss than to admit that your team sucks. Some broadcasters are good. Some are bad. Some are forgettable. Some are unforgettable for the wrong reasons. Here’s hoping that NBC secures the rights to all future Super Bowls.

Mike Firn ’16 does his textbook readings in Jim Nantz’s voice. Contact him at michael_firn@brown.edu.

Picking an English Premier League team BY JOE DIEHL sports columnist

It’s September, the NFL — and fantasy football — season is underway, and it’s

time for me to write an article about … the English Premier League? That’s right, because if you haven’t noticed, the Premier League is the new thing to watch. It’s the sport for hipsters, if hipsters even like sports. According to the league, they have a potential TV audience of 4.7 billion

viewers. That means it’s time for you to get on it and pick a team. So help you God if you lose sports cred with your buddies by choosing a team too late, thereby labeling you a poser. To make your choice easier, I’ll pair each EPL team with its NFL counterpart. And with that, here are five options

to jump start your EPL fandom. 1. Arsenal Sports Hipster Category: Try-Hard NFL Team Comparison: New York Giants The Gunners are from the biggest city in England, have some of the league’s best resources and find a way to frustrate their fans almost every year. Sound like the Giants? They also have an ancient-looking manager who has seemed to be there since the dawn of time. I assume Tom Coughlin and Arsene Wenger are members of the same bridge club. Arsenal is a very good side, but it hasn’t actually won the league since 2004. So you might think they’re a good side to root for without being a complete sell-out, but we see right through you. Kind of like wearing that Nirvana t-shirt. 2. Aston Villa Sports Hipster Category: Sad NFL Team Comparison: Washington Redskins Aston Villa is an incredibly mediocre side that fails to satisfy its fans in the sizable city of Birmingham. Playing mildly mundane soccer at best and downright unwatchable at worst, they are the perfect counterpart to the Redskins. If you like to listen to Iron and Wine in your UrbanEars headphones while staring gloomily into a mason jar full of cold brew, then consider flipping open your laptop and watching an Aston Villa game. It’s the missing piece. 3. Bournemouth Sports Hipster Category: Trendy, but Not Too Trendy NFL Team Comparison: Oakland Raiders Have the Raiders been so bad over the past few years that a tiny part of you actually roots for them to win a game? I say yes. Newly promoted Bournemouth has me rooting because it’s the underdog in virtually every match, much like the Raiders. Bournemouth is that indie band that had one song that got it mentioned on Pitchfork but faded into obscurity.

Almost a win-win for hipsters — either they can gloat they knew the team before it blew up, or it remains a guilty pleasure as it toils in soccer darkness. 4. Chelsea Sports Hipster Category: Sell-Out NFL Team Comparison: New England Patriots Either you’re a fan of Chelsea, or you absolutely hate Chelsea. There are no grey areas with the Blues, much like the Patriots. Both of their head coaches make me want to gag. Tom Brady and Diego Costa, Chelsea’s main striker, infuriate opponents and opposing fans enough to make them want to bash their heads against the wall. Excuse me while I put a Band-Aid on my forehead. If you’re under the age of 30 and you like Chelsea, you’re a bloody sellout. Never step foot in a local, fair-trade coffee shop ever again. 5. Crystal Palace Sports Hipster Category: Urban Outfitters-Frequenter NFL Team Comparison: Miami Dolphins Over the past few years, Palace has been quietly on the rise. They haven’t gotten too much attention in the process, but with a big-name acquisition in Yohan Cabaye, it seems like London’s smallest Premier League team hopes to make another leap forward. The Dolphins are aiming for the same after scooping up Ndamukong Suh. Yes, picking Crystal Palace as your team will immediately give you credibility on the surface. So will shopping at Urban Outfitters if you want to look trendy and hipster-y. But soon you will be asking yourself questions like, “Do I really identify with the working-class ethic Crystal Palace possess?” “Should I have stopped shopping at Urban after I graduated high school?” “Can’t I just go to H&M and buy the same clothes for half the price?”

Joe Diehl ’18 is looking for a surgeon to sew up his bloody forehead. Send a price quote to joseph_diehl@brown.edu.