Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
W.G. Grace: My Pedalo Shame
Sp r i ng 1896
ngland’s finest cricketer W.G. held his hand up last E night and sensationally admit-
‘Mercury Poisonings’, four jugs of ‘Matrimonial Relations Upon The Sands’ and nine ted: “I WAS inebriated to an large ‘Screaming Feminine unacceptable degree.” Fits Of The Vapours’. The talismanic all-rounder Dis -GRACED was rapped by Cricket bosses after a late-night carousing ses“I’ve let myself down, I’ve let sion ended in near tragedy fol- Gloucestershire down, I’ve let lowing the unlawful piloting of the medical profession down, a pedal-propelled and worst of pleasure craft. all, I’ve let Her Doctor Grace, Majesty Queen who had been Victoria down,” drinking claret said the contrite all afternoon folsportsman. lowing England’s humiliating Doctor Grace stole both a defeat to Sudan A, refused to native canoe and a bicycle return to quarters at night and and succeeded in fashioning a instead continued to imbibe in primitive pedal-propelled vessel a native watering hole. from their component parts. It is a testament to DocVapours tor Grace’s prodigious physiEncouraged by team-mates, cal strength that he was able Doctor Grace quaffed seven to manoeuvre the ungodly
hybrid craft 60 miles out into plained his erratic behaviour the Red Sea before being as being a result of malaria but caught by the tide. subsequently confessed that he had been “disgracefully wellJOLLY ROGERED refreshed”. The maritime escapades of When rescued by the Royal Navy, W.G. was some way out their most senior player are into the Gulf Of Aden and had merely the latest embarrasssuccessfully engaged a small ment on a tour that has seen pirate vessel, killing six and England defeated by a variety teaching the survivors the cor- of native sides, many of whom had to be taught the Laws of rect method of hitting to leg. Doctor Grace initially ex- Cricket prior to matches.
4
5
“I’ve let Her Majesty down”
Fig. 1. The Nautical Velocipede: Doctor Grace Skilfully Navigates His Bastard Craft Through The Straits
Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
W.G. Grace: My Pedalo Shame
Sp r i ng 1896
ngland’s finest cricketer W.G. held his hand up last E night and sensationally admit-
‘Mercury Poisonings’, four jugs of ‘Matrimonial Relations Upon The Sands’ and nine ted: “I WAS inebriated to an large ‘Screaming Feminine unacceptable degree.” Fits Of The Vapours’. The talismanic all-rounder Dis -GRACED was rapped by Cricket bosses after a late-night carousing ses“I’ve let myself down, I’ve let sion ended in near tragedy fol- Gloucestershire down, I’ve let lowing the unlawful piloting of the medical profession down, a pedal-propelled and worst of pleasure craft. all, I’ve let Her Doctor Grace, Majesty Queen who had been Victoria down,” drinking claret said the contrite all afternoon folsportsman. lowing England’s humiliating Doctor Grace stole both a defeat to Sudan A, refused to native canoe and a bicycle return to quarters at night and and succeeded in fashioning a instead continued to imbibe in primitive pedal-propelled vessel a native watering hole. from their component parts. It is a testament to DocVapours tor Grace’s prodigious physiEncouraged by team-mates, cal strength that he was able Doctor Grace quaffed seven to manoeuvre the ungodly
hybrid craft 60 miles out into plained his erratic behaviour the Red Sea before being as being a result of malaria but caught by the tide. subsequently confessed that he had been “disgracefully wellJOLLY ROGERED refreshed”. The maritime escapades of When rescued by the Royal Navy, W.G. was some way out their most senior player are into the Gulf Of Aden and had merely the latest embarrasssuccessfully engaged a small ment on a tour that has seen pirate vessel, killing six and England defeated by a variety teaching the survivors the cor- of native sides, many of whom had to be taught the Laws of rect method of hitting to leg. Doctor Grace initially ex- Cricket prior to matches.
4
5
“I’ve let Her Majesty down”
Fig. 1. The Nautical Velocipede: Doctor Grace Skilfully Navigates His Bastard Craft Through The Straits
Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
S u m m e r 1896
A 24 -Hour Period In The Daily Existence Of…
K .P. Pietersen
being his daily disciplines and diversions
Facts About C.B. FRY
r C.B. Fry has recently r C.B. Fry is quite a turned his hand to M clever pianist, but finds M invention, and has patented it uncomfortable to play after or discovered: the pneumatic hammer; the ‘zipper’ fastening device; colour photography; the carburettor; the wireless radio; and the iPad, a type of slate tablet useful for striking a recalcitrant domestic servant.
an argument with the Sultan of Turkey over the correct phrasing in a Chopin prelude. The Sultan slammed C.B. Fry’s fingers in the lid of a Steinway, but C.B. Fry countered by deposing the spiteful Turk and installing a puppet ruler in his place.
r C.B. Fry can perform astonishing feats of memory M r C.B. Fry once held the and has memorised the names M Swedish middleweight and ages of every man living in jujitsu title, but lost in a Leicestershire, as well as most heavily disputed split decision of the women, and a good por- to Sven ‘The Eel’ Natamaka tion of the farm animals. and refused to compete again.
r C.B. Fry is the possesr C.B. Fry once grew sor of the longest big toe M the largest marrow M in First Class Cricket: his left. in all Carmarthenshire. He Curiously, his right big toe is lists it among his proudest of only median length. achievements. 72
six o’clo ck… I rise early and breakfast on a most refreshing sup of Mr Rackham Bull’s Red Bull energetic facilitation concoction, a product which I am only too happy to endorse but one I should consume personally nevertheless. It is said to give you wings and I am not one to argue! eight o’clo ck… My wife, the noted music hall entertainer Miss Jessica of Liberatum X, and myself promenade throughout the capital, perhaps purchasing some of the latest most fashionable clothing and endeavouring to get noticed in all the right places. eleven o’clo ck… The real business of the day begins for Kevin Pietersen: staring into the looking glass practising his cricketing shots and generally admiring his personage. three o’clo ck… Invent a new type of cricketing shot. four o’clo ck… To the netting facilities, where I work assiduously on my new shot, repeatedly getting out.
five o’clo ck… Rehearse defiant insistences to the gentlemen of the press that I shall continue to play the new shot, despite its obviously disastrous consequences. eight o’clo ck… Early to bed to work on my memoirs and practise referring to myself in the third person. Good night from Kevin Pietersen, admirers!
Mr Pietersen invents another pointless shot 73
Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
S u m m e r 1896
A 24 -Hour Period In The Daily Existence Of…
K .P. Pietersen
being his daily disciplines and diversions
Facts About C.B. FRY
r C.B. Fry has recently r C.B. Fry is quite a turned his hand to M clever pianist, but finds M invention, and has patented it uncomfortable to play after or discovered: the pneumatic hammer; the ‘zipper’ fastening device; colour photography; the carburettor; the wireless radio; and the iPad, a type of slate tablet useful for striking a recalcitrant domestic servant.
an argument with the Sultan of Turkey over the correct phrasing in a Chopin prelude. The Sultan slammed C.B. Fry’s fingers in the lid of a Steinway, but C.B. Fry countered by deposing the spiteful Turk and installing a puppet ruler in his place.
r C.B. Fry can perform astonishing feats of memory M r C.B. Fry once held the and has memorised the names M Swedish middleweight and ages of every man living in jujitsu title, but lost in a Leicestershire, as well as most heavily disputed split decision of the women, and a good por- to Sven ‘The Eel’ Natamaka tion of the farm animals. and refused to compete again.
r C.B. Fry is the possesr C.B. Fry once grew sor of the longest big toe M the largest marrow M in First Class Cricket: his left. in all Carmarthenshire. He Curiously, his right big toe is lists it among his proudest of only median length. achievements. 72
six o’clo ck… I rise early and breakfast on a most refreshing sup of Mr Rackham Bull’s Red Bull energetic facilitation concoction, a product which I am only too happy to endorse but one I should consume personally nevertheless. It is said to give you wings and I am not one to argue! eight o’clo ck… My wife, the noted music hall entertainer Miss Jessica of Liberatum X, and myself promenade throughout the capital, perhaps purchasing some of the latest most fashionable clothing and endeavouring to get noticed in all the right places. eleven o’clo ck… The real business of the day begins for Kevin Pietersen: staring into the looking glass practising his cricketing shots and generally admiring his personage. three o’clo ck… Invent a new type of cricketing shot. four o’clo ck… To the netting facilities, where I work assiduously on my new shot, repeatedly getting out.
five o’clo ck… Rehearse defiant insistences to the gentlemen of the press that I shall continue to play the new shot, despite its obviously disastrous consequences. eight o’clo ck… Early to bed to work on my memoirs and practise referring to myself in the third person. Good night from Kevin Pietersen, admirers!
Mr Pietersen invents another pointless shot 73
Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
Sp r i ng 1896
Dr Grace’s Scho ol for Cricket Lesson One: Correct Defensive Po sture when faced with Ho stile Native B owling
The Gentleman’s Guard Right knee raised; cheroot angled to Leg.
The Baronet’s Blo ck
The Noblesse Oblige
Dressed to Leg; pocket-watch to Off.
Moustache advisable.
24
The Codpiece Comme Il Faut
The Viscount’s Reverse Hat optional.
Middle stump guard.
The Palmerston Sno oze A Runner may be required.
25
Th e Wi sden C r ic k e t e r
Sp r i ng 1896
Dr Grace’s Scho ol for Cricket Lesson One: Correct Defensive Po sture when faced with Ho stile Native B owling
The Gentleman’s Guard Right knee raised; cheroot angled to Leg.
The Baronet’s Blo ck
The Noblesse Oblige
Dressed to Leg; pocket-watch to Off.
Moustache advisable.
24
The Codpiece Comme Il Faut
The Viscount’s Reverse Hat optional.
Middle stump guard.
The Palmerston Sno oze A Runner may be required.
25
W.G. Grace Ate My Pedalo By Tyers & Beach
“Wonderfully and authentically illustrated� The Observer
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