BINGHAMTON REVIEW
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Dear Readers,
From the Editor
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! As a present, I’m giving you all another issue of the Binghamton Review. I know it’s not Christmas, but with these temperatures, who really knows! I heard that stupid-looking hamster named “Phil” said we’re having six more weeks of winter, which means six more weeks of digging my car out of the snow. If I had it my way, you’d be calling me Pat McAfee the way I be punting that dumb gerbil like a damn football! FORE! But this isn’t the Christmas issue, this is the SEX issue. With Valentine’s Day coming in just a couple of days, we at the Binghamton Review wanted to give you something to really savor before this special day. Yummy! We have a lot of good things packed into the SEX issue for all y’all. Have you ever wondered how freaky Binghamton is? Or whether it’s virtuous to SEX your AI chatbot? Or how much you should care about other people’s SEX lives? We cover a lot of ground and a lot of SEX, so make sure to read it all!
However, the true highlight of this SEX issue is our annual SEX Survey. If you’ve ever wondered how many perverts we have on and off campus, what types of horrible, disgusting stuff they get their rocks off to, and what websites you can “avoid going on” to “keep yourself safe,” our annual survey will give you a good idea. Also, we’ve added a brand new Binghamton Connections game to our SEX Issue. Solve it correctly, and you may have the chance to win free tickets to see Zara Larsson at SUNY Oneonta, or Monica Lewinsky (the woman whom Bill Clinton did not have SEXual relations with) on this very campus!
I hope you enjoy this year’s SEX issue as much as we enjoyed making it! Six Nine or whatever the kids say!
Sincerely,
Aiden Miller
Our Mission
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenents of free expression and believe all sudents should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole.
Advice Column
We offered to give you all life advice. Here were your questions:
My bitch ass classmate won’t stop watching porn during lecture, and it’s so distracting and makes me uncomfortable.
*Unzips pants*
How you guys handling this historically cold winter?
Feenin’ for a 2016 Epstein Summer rn
Should I ask the Endicott hooker to be my valentine? She said I felt big so maybe I’m special to her.
You can take her away from all this. YOU CAN SAVE HER!!!
Are you ready for the Super Bowl Halftime Show?
Not anymore. I reported Bad Bunny to ICE, and let’s just say it’s wabbit season.
I took a girl out on a date, and she ordered an “angle shot?”
Oh it’s so tasty. Follow her around for the rest of the night and try to get a sip.
Do any Binghamton Review members play an instrument :) ?
Multiple members are very proficient on the skin flute
Which dining hall worker gives the best teeth (gums)?
How do I bounce on it crazy style?
Practice, pure dedication, and sheer will.
How do you guys measure temperature?
Count the wrinkles on my scrotum
Written by our Staff
How do I get closer to my lord and savior, Charlie Kirk?
Get fucking clipped ig.
How many people actually watch porn at Bing?
Counting or not counting gang violence…
Why is my pee blue?
Too much NyQuil chicken.
What does the groundhog keep running from his shadow, what does it look like?
What did the republican say to the democrat?
LETS EAT BABIES!!!!
How do I support a baby momma?
A JOB!!!
My girlfriend broke up with me after my car got towed while he had sex in the visitor parking lot, am I cooked?
Was it a gray Kia Soul?
How to remove eduroam porn virus?
Freakhamton
By Penjamin Name
One night, my roommate and I were looking into Google Trends data surrounding several random issues. It was at this moment that I decided to do something I thought was hilarious: look into the rate of porn viewing across the United States. This led us to a pretty horrifying discovery. We here in Binghamton consume some of the most bizarre and niche categories of porn possible. That night has left me searching for answers; those answers will be theorized here in this piece.
“Binghamton, NY, is one of the highest consumers of niche pornography in the state.”
To quantify this study into our degeneracy, we must first cover the methodology. Google Trends is a website that allows users to look at the rate of Google searches in a specific region compared to the national average, ranging as far back as 2004. This gives us a pretty large data set to use, as a high “Search Interest” number shows consistency in interest for a particular search (compared to the rest of the nation) across the entire 22year period. Furthermore, we must understand that the roughly 18,000 students who attend BU are a transient portion of the local internet-using population. Therefore, when looking at the Binghamton-specific results later in this piece, we can assume that at least part of the spike in specific search terms (compared to the rest of the nation) is due to us students.
Before we go into the results, we have to understand the “Search Interest” number a little better. The best way to do this is through an example. Let’s say we looked at the graph of national trends over time and found that “Binghamton Review” had a search interest score of 100 in January and 50 in February. That would mean that “Binghamton Review” was searched twice as much in January as it was in February. However, another section below can be used to gauge search interest comparatively between regions, going as far down as the inter-city level. This section will show a 100 for the city that searches for
a topic the most, with proportionally smaller numbers for the other cities. It is this search interest number that we will focus on in this piece, as we can analyze how Binghamton disproportionately searches for certain terms compared to the rest of New York State (NYS).
With this understood, we can now dive into the findings. The first term that my roommate and I put into Google Trends that night was “anime body pillow.” On this search term, Binghamton gets an 85 search interest score, only beaten within NYS by Watertown. We first reasoned this could have been a fluke. However, to further investigate our findings, we next tried “Hentai.” The result? A 92 search interest score, once again, only beaten by Watertown. At this stage, my roommate and I became more and more curious. How deep did this go? So we did some digging. “BDSM”? A search interest of 100, by far the most in NYS. “Incest Porn”? A score of 76, far above the state average. “Furry Porn”? 77, one of the top 3 regions in New York. The further we looked, the more a trend appeared. Binghamton, NY, is one of the highest consumers of niche pornography in the state.
What is the point of all this? Well, we can draw a few conclusions from this data. Firstly, it is not unusual that an area with such a large population of students has such a high search interest score for porn. However, what is unusual is the types of porn that are being searched. This leads me to my main conclusion: the national trends regarding loneliness among Gen Z are presenting themselves in our search interests. Binghamton’s unique position as a place with a disproportionate number of people aged 18-24 provides an insight into how loneliness among this demographic is growing and how this can lead to a warped view of sex through the lens of “unique” pornography. Does this conclusion make the data any less hilarious? I don’t think so, but it certainly does make you look at the place we call home far differently than before. Perhaps we truly are Freakhamton, NY.
The Ethics of AI Sex
By Bren Dover
Welcome back to yet another semester, dear reader. The cold might as well have made our nipples into fencing swords, but never despair; it’s time for another Binghamton Review edition. As per most of my articles, I like to focus on some deep philosophical concept and relate it to some complete fuckery. This article is, of course, no exception. In the tradition of our theme, we’re gonna talk about sex, but we’re gonna make it even scarier. “What could be scarier than intimate relationships with someone?” you may cry. The answer is an intimate relationship with someone who does not even exist. Yes, dear reader, the phenomenon of AI-generated partners has finally arrived. If you do not know, there happens to be a subreddit called r/MyBoyfriendIsAI, with almost 40,000 users. There is a group of people, perhaps bigger than we think, that have “meaningful” or at least “significant” relationships with conversational artificial intelligence (CAI), so much so that they indulge in them as friends, therapists, and, you guessed it, romantic partners.
Because I have a dirty little fuckboy mind, I immediately thought about the implications of someone having sex with their AI partner. How would it work? Is it consensual? Is anyone getting anything out of it? Is someone getting pegged, and if so, why is it definitely not the robot? These are the things my mind forces me to ponder, but ponder I will. I wish to argue that, first of all, having sex with a partner can be a virtuous act. In Aristotelian virtue ethics, there are parameters around the concept of “the virtuous friendship,” and what I suggest is that those parameters can also apply to a virtuous sexual partner. Furthermore, if there is such a thing as a virtuous sexual partner, can generative AI boyfriends, girlfriends, and theyfriends fall into this category? My answer is immediately fucking no, but before I go straight to cyberbullying (get it?), I will formally argue why that is the case.
“The very curious thing is how someone would [possibly] have sex with AI. The first image in my head is Siri being attached to a Tesla robot and completely railing some chud.”
Aristotle defines virtuous friendship by first defining two other types of friendships: friends of pleasure and utility. Friends of pleasure are those whom you see only in the context of some form of fun, and friends of utility are those you see only in the context of some form of work. They’re technically friends, but not as deep as people may want. The final friendship is the friend of virtue. These people are those with whom you have a deep connection, filled with admiration, consideration, and pure love. It’s a very beautiful friendship that is meant to better each individual while still enjoying each other’s time. This is a very basic understanding of the virtuous friend that you could get in any Philosophy 101 class, but you see my point. Aristotle had four parameters in order to identify a virtuous friend: equality,
diversity of interactions, mutuality, and authenticity. Basically, Aristotle is saying your virtuous friend should be in an equal place in life as you, you should see your friend in many different scenarios, you should have things in common that unite you, and they should appear to you as their most honest self. Shit’s great, right?
Now that this gay philosophy bullshit is out of the way, let’s get into what makes it interesting. How exactly can a virtuous friend relate to virtuous sex? The four parts of a virtuous friend that Aristotle gives can totally apply to a sexual partner. Let me break it down.
Mutuality: You are both interested in each other, and only each other. It is not the sex that excites you, but the connection with the other person.
Authenticity: You appear to your partner in full honesty, communicating what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. It is this part where consent is given and your sexual relationship improves.
Diversity of interaction: You see your sexual partner beyond just the sex. It is ideal to hang out with them outside the context of sex in order to truly get to know them and respect them.
Equality: The dynamic must be on equal footing. There must be a balance with both parties, and not one party can coerce the other (no weird age shit).
I argue that these four parts of having sex with another person can create a real virtuous relationship that exhibits respect and admiration, just like a virtuous friend would. I don’t want this to appear like I’m shaming sexual relationships that don’t exhibit these characteristics; those are still valid. It could be just like Aristotle’s other friendships.
Pleasure: You just want that cookie and nothing else.
Utility: Get that raise, girlboss.
When given the right circumstances, any sexual relation-
ship can become virtuous. A curious exception is, however, one with an AI. We understand AI as a computer program that is meant to formulate sentences based on previous training and experiences, but also on the predictability of words. What this means is that AI is not thinking about what you’re saying and then responding; it puts your sentence, words, and letters into binary code, identifies a pattern, and produces the most probable sentence you would want to hear given the words you gave it. Thus, when people enter a “relationship” with AI, it’s hard to call it “dating” when every conversation is just based on binary code.
The very curious thing is how someone would have sex with AI. The first image in my head is Siri being attached to a Tesla robot and completely railing some chud, but I assume that the 40k people on that subreddit would not be able to afford that. The next idea I take from the movie Her, featuring Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson. Phoenix falls in love with Johansson, who is a computer program with a voice. The way they have sex is through the phone by narrating what they are doing to each other, followed by strenuous moans and masturbation. For our purposes, we will assume AI sex will consist of either this form of speech or through some form of sexting, as anything physical would be improbable (for now).
Now, let’s discuss the implications and go through the four parameters of virtuous sex, relating it to AI sex. Off the bat, I’ll allow the premise to fly surrounding diversity and . For the most part, if people are dating their AI and having sex with them, they are technically seeing them for more than just their sex, unless someone has a really weird robot kink, then those freaks can kick rocks. If we assume that they are, in fact, a couple, then technically, it is more than just sex; they achieve one of the four premises. Whatever, I guess. The next premise is, of course, equality. Here is where the line begins to be drawn. I suggest that the dynamic of your partner must be that of two equal individuals coming together. AI, however, will always (hopefully) be subservient to humans on two bases. The first is that humans are their creators, and subjectively, I think it would feel very incestuous to have sex with something you created like that. Now, perhaps you could see the robot as some sort of fleshlight, but if that were the case, then it would not be virtuous at all, as one would have to admit to the inequality between the two parties and reject the first premise of virtuous sex, as all they are is some sex toy. The second idea regarding equality is the fact that AI is programmed to make you hear what you want to hear. The AI will always cater to you; the power dynamic is very shifted, with emphasis on the human being. This being the case, there is no way to assume that you are on equal footing with your AI partner.
The next premise with a virtuous partner is Authenticity. Can a conversational AI partner be fully honest? According to philosopher Beatrice Marchioni, AI has inherent anthropomorphic traits that are programmed into its speech patterns through its training. AI is, obviously, not human, nor does it have any actual human traits, so by exhibiting these human traits, AI is technically deceiving us, as it doesn’t outwardly help us recognize that all it is is a computer code filled with binary numbers. We humanize AI because of the perceived behavior of AI, when in reality, this “behavior” doesn’t actually exist. Thus, if you have sex with a CAI, you must understand that you are being
deceived into thinking that this is a person-like thing who wants to make you feel good and can feel good in return. Furthermore, you are being deceived into thinking that they can give consent. Any consent that AI gives is in the context of you asking for their consent. If they are programmed to even have sex in the first place, then of course, they will always say yes; thus, technically, their consent is nonexistent. If one truly believes that their AI partner is real or “conscious,” then the idea of consent should be able to be taken away and given, but since it will never be taken away, then of course, we can prove that AI is not conscious, and thus any sort of relationship with them is nonconsensual and technically unethical. By this measure, we cannot call this sexual relationship virtuous by any means.
The final part, and by far most important, is the idea of mutuality. When you enter into any sort of virtuous relationship, you acknowledge the person as they acknowledge you. It is no longer a simple “you and I” but a “we.” The mutuality, having common morals and understanding and consideration for one another, is of the utmost importance when giving love to another person. In order to have any sort of virtuous friendship, you need two people feeling and giving love to each other. It is this concept that prohibits AI from ever becoming a true romantic partner. There is nothing they can give people. They may act like they are talking to you, or sexting with you, or getting pleasure from you acting like a fucking predator, but in reality, they cannot feel anything. Having a deep connection is a two-person job. It’s not just what you give to your partner and how they make you feel; it’s the deep consideration from your partner in return that makes it virtuous. It is what you both feel with each other, because of each other. The problem with an AI is that it can never feel. It can never truly understand the feeling that you put into it, and on some level, those who commit to a relationship with AI know that. They are ok with giving and receiving feelings, knowing that the thing they are sending these feelings to can never have them. If the AI cannot reciprocate this necessary mutual component, then it can never do it in the bedroom either. Thus, a virtuous sexual relationship with generative AI can never happen.
It takes a certain type of person to commit their entire being to a relationship with fucking ChatGPT. I guess I’m not woke, okay? You win with your robot stuff! This stuff is just vomit-inducing to me. I guess, perhaps, if they are happy and it’s not hurting anyone, then it’s none of my business and permissible. But if you are a loyal Bren Dover reader, then you know I LOVE to hate, and hate I will. Fuck those robots. Fuck those fat chuds that fuck those fucking robots. Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got, you’d get some bitches on your dick. Touch some fucking grass. Bren Dover out.
Sex and Sexual Behavior Survey
Results
From Our Wonderful Respondents
Abbreviations:
(5) Japanese cartoon drawings known in their tongue as “Hentai”
(7) Binghamton’s Dumbest Students Masturbate (8) do NOT look this up on the Binghamton Review Website
(9) Print Edition
(10) Social Media (16) there’s at least one of you who keeps submitting weird drawings to the Bing Review email. Please identify yourselves.
(17) as long as feet are visible (19) English major (25) this question required... (28) evil-lesbian-love-triangle-adjacent (32) If it exists, I can probably make it work
Abbreviations:
(7) The former Binghamton Review office (RIP) (9) Gym (East, West, North, South)
(12) The tunnels dug beneath campus
(13) Science Building Laboratories (15) Innovative Technologies Complex (19) New Binghamton Review Office
(24) Library Tower Basement Computer Lab (25) I have not had sex on campus
(27) I’ve creamed across all of campus
(28)
The Fear of Sex
By Elizabeth Bremner
Purity culture is making a strange comeback, targeting women more than men. Maybe it’s because sex is more frightening than I believed. Perhaps the Pilgrims made TikTok accounts, or it could be due to more recent changes in the political atmosphere. Whatever it is, I don’t like it, and I’m going to make it your problem as well. After observing Internet trends from the shadows, I’ve collected five case studies. I hereby present my case.
Man’s Best Friend
On August 29, 2025, Sabrina Carpenter released her album, titled Man’s Best Friend. The cover depicts the artist on all fours while a man grabs her hair. The image was controversial, bringing in a multitude of reactions.
The reception to the album was divided into two major groups: the first one, which is the discussion of this essay, was incredibly critical of the sexual nature of the image. On the other hand, the second group’s reaction can be quickly summed up as “this is such a non-issue.”
Leading up to the album’s release, criticism of the cover consisted of the following: “that’s really fucking gross,” “what… is…that,” “why is she promoting women being seen as servants to men!!” and my personal favorite, “EWWWWWW!”
These are real TikTok comments, which, of course, is the most reliable source of public opinion. But no matter where you look on the Internet, whether it be TikTok, Instagram, Twitter (fuck “X”), or any other social media platform that actually gives a shit about something like this, the general opinion stays the same: the album cover is an over-sexualization of women and therefore degrades and “sets feminism back 50 years” (a quote from Reddit this time).
First, this opinion is necessarily founded on the assumption that sexual choices (or, sex in general) are something that degrades women. Additionally, it conflates sexual preferences with actual feminist issues. In reality, sexual preferences only affect an individual and their partner. If a woman prefers to be submissive rather than on top, she is not doing other women a “disservice.” While the feminist movement encourages women to be powerful, which I also stand for, that also includes having your own choice. If you want to care about real feminist issues, focus your energy on abortion laws and women’s safety. In the meantime, know that you can be humiliated without representing a whole population.
Second, even though Sabrina Carpenter is in a submissive position on the cover, it does not speak to her identity or her representation of women as a whole. If any of you are familiar with her brand, she does not present herself as inferior to men in the slightest. In many of her music videos (and in most of her songs), Sabrina Carpenter plays a character that is, quite literally, a man-killer. Her running gag is that she entices (stupid) men and gets her way.
The point is, sexual choices may be yours, but they are not representative of what you stand for. However, people are still
quick to judge and degrade someone for their sexual behavior, despite it not actually being that big of a deal.
“There are children here!”
The Internet is made for everyone and is accessible to anyone – this includes children. There’s been a strange phenomenon lately that prioritizes children on the Internet, and I believe it is connected with a rise in purity culture. More specifically, the presence of children is used as justification for this change in values.
I saw a Heated Rivalry edit the other day (it was great, but not up to the Google Drive level) and it was, naturally, slightly sexual. It included some promiscuous photoshoots of Hudson Williams as well. After I had promptly saved the video, I opened the comment section to a multitude of people describing the “trauma” they experienced after seeing a happy trail.
I mean, think of the children! Do you know how many innocent youths are on TikTok nowadays? What if they scroll onto this video and they see shirtless men! Take down this deviant abomination of a video so we can save their grubby little eyes!
My response is direct: the Internet is not made for only children, and not a single Internet user should be obliged to cater to children. Family-friendly content is not a requirement. I find it hard to believe that those who prioritize children on the Internet wholeheartedly think that’s the reason why these videos should be taken down. It is most likely from a desire to hide sex on social media platforms under the guise of “innocence”
or purity.
“What’s your body count?”
For those who don’t know, a body count is the number of people you’ve had sex with in your life. Although the question is quite rude, it could be useful for interrogating a potential romantic partner. You want to know if you’re at risk for any STDs. However, that is not the actual application of this question.
Asking for a body count is mainly targeted towards women on the Internet, often in reaction to slightly sexual behavior. When this phrase is used as a reaction to sexual behavior, it is being used as an insult, essentially calling the woman a whore. However, in their attempt to shame a woman for being sexual (with many people), they simultaneously make her sexuality the business of thousands of more people.
Furthermore, there have been limits placed on body counts. What is deemed a “high” number is, again, different between men and women. If a woman’s body count is considered too high (which could mean a total of 5 people), then it’s also considered disgusting to date her. She would be a “bop” or “for the streets.”
This way of thinking places a woman’s value on her sexuality, and I really don’t think that I have to describe why that’s wrong.
Body count does not matter if you are an adult. It should only matter to you and your health. You are allowed to have your preferences, but shaming another person for theirs is not only completely pointless, but also perpetuates the concept that sex is something to be ashamed of – and it’s not.
“Chivalry is dead.”
The illusion of “old love” is incredibly persistent and actively pushes against hookup culture. Someone who holds this opinion observes hookup culture – particularly in younger age groups –and is utterly disgusted by it. To them, hookup culture devalues sex between partners and treats their bodies as simply something to be pleased rather than taken care of.
First of all, “old love” should not be romanticized. They view dating in the 1950s as purely leather jackets and innocent fooling around. It was not. There was just as much sexual deviancy back then as there is now. Plus, the power dynamic between husbands and wives back then was not sunshine and rainbows either.
SECONDLY! There is no standard for love and sexual pleasure. Do not judge another person for having a different preference for sex life than you. You can wait till marriage to have sex,
or until you have a strong emotional connection with a partner, but there is no reason to shame another person for not wanting the same thing. Yes, some people would like to have fun without worrying about chivalry, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Don’t Say Gay
In his book, The History of Sexuality, Michael Foucault discusses how the attempt to suppress sex caused an explosion of discourse regarding sex, rather than silencing it altogether. In other words, you have to talk about sex in order to shame someone for it. Before the active suppression of sex, it was merely a private activity that no one paid mind to, and why would they? It was a normal thing that normal adults did. However, if you want to suppress sex, individuals would have to confess their sexual behaviors, then someone has to hear the confession, and then people shame sex. What was once a private matter is now the business of everyone.
In 2022, Ron DeSantis signed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill for Florida, stating that public school teachers may not instruct about sexual orientation or gender identity from kindergarten to the third grade. DeSantis said that “it’s not something that’s appropriate for any place, but especially not in Florida.”
Supporters of this bill view homosexuality (or really, anything out of the heterosexual norm) as so inappropriate that it must be banned from early public schools. This isn’t just an issue about sex, because if it were, the bill would have to cut out all instances of sex, including talking about the children’s parents. But a heterosexual couple is not the issue; it’s the LGBTQ+ community.
Despite its incredibly homophobic background, the focus of this case is on the suppression of sexual orientation. The bill seeks to suppress non-heterosexual relationships and identity, but rather causes more discourse about it. Sexual orientation or identity is no longer a private issue for the individual it concerns but is now the business of the families, the “children’s safety,” the education department, the town, and even the state.
Sex wouldn’t be an issue if we did not make it so. Children won’t be “confused” about their sexuality if you treat all identities and orientations with as much dignity and respect as heterosexual relationships. When we deem sex as an issue or inappropriate, identity crises are more common, as a person is more likely to feel ashamed of who they are.
All in All
My point is that no one should give a shit about another person’s sex life. Additionally, there are positive movements around the stigma surrounding sex as well as the issue discussed in this article. For example, the attitudes around sex workers are improving; people are finally realizing that sex workers are doing their job out of survival or without choice, rather than being considered promiscuous on purpose. On top of that, I believe women have never been this sexually liberated in a long, long time.
So, for this upcoming Valentine’s Day, have fun! Who cares about your sex? The only people that are affected are you and your partner, and if you are both okay with it, go wild! But more importantly, stay safe.
Walter Becker’s 11 Tracks of Whack: Blissful Brooding
Last spring, in the midst of the consistently inconsistent Binghamton weather, I was processing relationship issues and my life as a whole, as is the logical progression of thought. I fell back upon my usual vices of mixing rum into everything and bumping upbeat Japanese jazz-fusion. This was great, but I found myself wanting some new music to brood to, to feel what I was feeling instead of replacing it with the euphoric musings of Takanaka. This came at around the same time I had finished listening to the entire Steely Dan discography, as well as all of frontman Donald Fagen’s solo discography (stories for another day), leaving me craving more from the group. The other half of the band’s permanent duo, late guitarist Walter Becker, had just two solo albums to his name, the first of which was precisely what I needed to get out of my funk.
Walter Becker exhibited his solo talent in a manner that I can only describe as raw with his first solo album, 11 Tracks Of Whack, in 1994. Produced entirely from his in-home studio in Hawaii during Steely Dan’s 20-year hiatus, this album gracefully delivers its moody tunes despite production that some snobbier music fans would call shoddy. In a promotional video, Becker expressed that he wanted the album, above all else, to “sound good playing in a car while driving,” so many of the compositions, in spite of their simplicity, ‘absolutely slap,’ for lack of a better term. An insight into Becker’s songwriting process on his later album Circus Money, provided by LA producer Larry Klein, describes it as being “braided together with laughter and shared schadenfreude.” This ties back to the album’s self-deprecating name; Becker acknowledges that his musings might be dumb, but they’re a genuine spilling of the soul.
Beneath its crisp electric guitar riffs and strategic background instrumentation, this album spills all of Becker’s complicated life into waveform, touching upon past woes in relationships (several tracks), the loss of a past lover to a heroin
By Liam Steele
overdose (“Junkie Girl”), the loss of a friend from a hang gliding accident (“Surf And/Or Die”), and his love for his only son (“Little Kawai”).
The ninth track in particular, “My Waterloo,” is my favorite of the bunch, and despite being among the more outwardly upbeat-sounding tracks on the album, it speaks to me on a level unlike the others. It evokes the downfall of master tactician and “heir of Charlemagne” himself, Napoleon, at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815, using the famous battle as a label for a lover who left. This battle broke Napoleon’s ego, leading to his abdication from the throne and final exile to the remote island of St. Helena, where he would later die. The song utilizes this background to the fullest, describing a loss of self-esteem or ego with “Somebody kicks your statue down” and “broke my sword, dropped my gun,” driving this home with a literal surrender of arms to vulnerability. The narrator tries his best to “hold [his] ground,” leading into the Napoleon connection being plainly stated; “Just like some tragic beat Napoleon.” Throughout this song, there is repetition of having to “walk that lonely road,” switching from “you” to “I” after the narrator compares himself to the defeated emperor. The song ends with a more blunt admittance of defeat, ceding that he has not only “met his match” in her, but that she is his “Waterloo”—his final undoing and greatest blunder. This song encapsulates the feeling of being exiled with one’s feelings, admitting defeat yet still mulling over what once was, and yet, its peppy beat and tropical vibe manage to uplift, if just a bit. Another standout track is “Girlfriend,” which, to put it bluntly, describes a drunken, couch-ridden, channel-surfing bum mulling over a breakup. “Oh, he just like me fr,” I thought to myself when I first heard it. This song’s constant references to television shows pull you further into the mind of its narrator, like the line “Stranded between the green acres of my good intentions and the twilight zone of zero self-control.” Our pathetic narrator likens his dreams to “bitter illusions” and his own thoughts to a movie he can’t be bothered to get up and turn off. Between these woeful whims comes an uplifting chorus that calls out to the “girlfriend” so the narrator has someone to “tell [his] story to.” In these lines, the narrator characterizes himself as her “faithful servant lost in misery” whose heart she took “all apart and put all back together again.” This theme of allowing the past to shape your present is relatable, and so is the theme of viewing a relationship as a fix-all by having someone to “tell your story to,” even if that is a flawed view at minimum. Again, “just like me frfr.”
At the end of the day, however, you become what you feed your mind, and while this album’s subject matter is at times mopey, its approach to presenting them does not excessively revel in it. Contrary to the words of the great Peter Griffin, it does not “insist upon itself.” The album’s title alone demonstrates this. By labeling his musings as ‘whack,’ Becker discloses that many of
these moody approaches to relationships are ultimately a phase in the process of exactly that; processing, and are thus not entirely worth aggrandizing. This is especially impactful coming from Becker because he had overcome an opioid addiction earlier in life and lost a girlfriend who hadn’t (see “Junkie Girl”). This is a man who has weathered his fair share of storms and knows better than most how to process where things went wrong in life and how to bounce back.
There are also 12 tracks on the album, not 11, leaving us to guess which one he feels isn’t ‘whack.’ I would wager that it’s the final track devoted to his son, “Little Kawai,” which is sung as a bittersweet ballad. It proclaims, “But you’re still growing, little Kawai, what do they know? Do they love you? Not the way that I do,” and speaks directly and innocently to a young Kawai Becker, cautioning him against many of his childish antics. This final track showcases Becker’s hope that his son will lead a better life than his. It is sheltered from the heavier themes of its companions on the album, as it comes after the goofy “Hat Too Flat,” which acts as a palette cleanser of silly sci-fi fun between the heavier first ten tracks and the beauty of this final one. The separation of styles further cements this album as a spilling of the soul, since Becker was always the bigger cynic of the core Steely Dan duo.
There’s a lesson to be found in Becker’s approach of not taking everything too seriously, especially in processing heavy things like relationships. If the sad sack singing the songs can take all the tragedy of his life in stride, we certainly can try. Overall, 11 Tracks of Whack is a delight to listen to, even when
I’m not in a bluesy mood. It’s a “come for the blues, stay for the beats” hit that I’m happy to share with you in time for Valentine’s Day. So don’t worry, it’ll be a banger even if you aren’t lonely right now.
The Binghamton Review Connections
Find groups of four items that have something in common. Write your answers in the lines on the right.
There is exactly one solution. Watch out for words that seem to belong in multiple categories!
Turn to page 15 for the solution.
The Truth About Singlehood
By The Embedded Chud
It was a freezing cold night. I walked back to my dorm room, exhausted and defeated, from the third interchangeable on-campus event that day. I had scoured the calendar and jampacked as many of these meetings into my schedule as possible. It was all part of my master plan to build up confidence, the one thing I believed was keeping me from finding love, like it was some kind of stat in a video game. But at these events, I saw the same scenario unfold over and over: Everyone else showed up in their pre-made friend groups, not seeming to care about meeting new people. I wouldn’t click with anyone, leaving me even more awkward and lonely than before. No progress was made, and time was wasted yet again.
The whole thing was so pointless, and it felt like I was banging my head against the wall with no end in sight. It lowkenuinely got to the point where I had to ask, What am I doing with my life? Little did I know, this question would start a miniature self-discovery journey that would eventually lead to you reading this right now.
February 14th is made out to be a pretty important day, so much so that this whole issue is dedicated to it. For many, it’s a beautiful holiday where dates are had and many gestures of affection are exchanged. For others, it’s a normal day where nothing really happens. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is something we can only watch from the outside, often annoyed or frustrated. “Another whole year and I’m still single,” we’re reminded.
To put it bluntly, that third camp has indeed included me since the beginning of time. Especially in the past few years, I’ve dealt with it all—seeing seemingly everyone I know magically finding partners, wondering what’s wrong with myself, agonizing over how few opportunities I got to meet girls, and debating on whether to “lock in” or “let go” in terms of finding someone. Attempts to seek out advice tend not to help either, as we’re often met with uninformed clichés such as “just be more confident” or “don’t worry about it.”
Fortunately, alongside this “pain,” I got to learn a lot about what singlehood and takenhood really mean to the individual and to society. Hint: it’s a bit more complicated than “taken good, single bad.” Below is my best attempt to convey coherently in under 2000 words all these insights and reassurances I wish I’d had years ago. Hopefully, you’ll learn a bit more than “it’ll happen when you least expect it.”
Love Conquers Culture
Romance is treated as a fundamental part of society. This makes sense ‘cause, you know, it’s eventually what leads to us surviving as a species, but it’s definitely gone too far. Media such as movies, TV, literature, and music tend to overemphasize romance and portray it in the most unrealistic ways. You’ll see “meet cutes” where lovers find each other in the most absurd situations, sequences where people ditch their perfectly good lives to be with each other, and a success rate of them happily
together at the end that rivals that of hand sanitizer. Even when it’s not a love story, romantic experiences occur far more often than they do in real life.
You’ll occasionally see this kind of relationslop at the institutional level as well. “Here are 67 couples who met at BU!” B-Line will probably send it to your inbox again, leaving you to wonder why it’s not 68. “You can earn $100 if you’re seeing someone!” a research flyer promises.
These kinds of concepts have also seeped into our language, where single people are said to “have negative rizz” or “get no action.” And I can’t discuss this topic without mentioning how people tend to post only the highlights of their lives on social media, providing an outlet for singles to compare themselves to others seemingly above them.
The effect of all this? People are brainwashed into thinking that romance is the most important thing in the world and believing things about it that simply aren’t true. I’m not saying it’s wrong to consume this media or use this kind of language—I’d be a massive hypocrite if I did—but you should recognize that it often doesn’t reflect reality.
The Myth of Dating Experience
The age at which one starts dating is also given unwarranted significance: “I’m <insert age here> and I’ve never been in a relationship—what’s wrong with me?” Again, society and the media often portray certain ages as milestones by which one is supposed to have found a partner or gotten their “first kiss” or whatever. Much of this is, for lack of a better word, bullshit. Experience usually makes you better at something. If I take more classes or do more projects in a certain subject, I’ll of course be more knowledgeable about that subject. But having dating experience doesn’t necessarily make you better at finding or keeping partners. In fact, there are many people who leave a relationship and end up in a dry spell, and there are many who just bounce from partner to partner on the “dating app grind” with no fulfillment.
During one slow day at work, my friend told me about a relationship he had that was tragically cut short when COVID hit. I remember him saying, “If I could change one thing about my past, it would be to not have had that relationship.” This was extremely eye-opening to me. As a lifelong single man, I always thought that those with dating experience were glad to have had it, but I neglected the possibility that they could be stuck longing for what used to be.
You’re Not an Anomaly
Due to the overemphasis love has in our culture, it can be easy for you to think that nearly everyone is seeing someone and that you’re the odd one out for being single. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Quite a few surveys have been conducted on the topic, even separating by age and gender to include people like us. Year after year, the proportion of young adults
who are single pushes and sometimes even exceeds 50%. This is a trend as old as time, going back decades, so don’t think that you’re in the “wrong generation” for dating either.
Despite these studies, confirmation bias can make it seem like everyone around you is seeing someone. If you’re still under the impression that everyone is dating but you, I implore you to count the people you know who are single and taken. The results can be shocking.
After reading all that, you might still put yourself down for being in the “bottom half” of society. Which leads to my next point:
It’s Not Better to Be Taken
It’s a common narrative that being in a relationship is inherently better than being single. This is confirmation bias at work yet again, as we tend to immediately think of the good relationships and the good parts of dating while filtering out all the bad stuff. The stereotypical boomer who hates his wife, the junkie with 5 BMs to whom he has to pay child support, and the toxic couple in a vicious cycle of breaking up and getting back together again—do any of those people sound like they’re better off than the average single person? Again, the picture-perfect relationships we see in the media aren’t really that way. They’re often bumpy roads in reality, filled with potholes and complications.
Neither does being single or having no experience make you a loser. The extreme stereotype of a single person is the basement-dwelling freak who plays Le*gue and goons all day. But like many stereotypes, this couldn’t be further from the truth. There are plenty of socially adept, well-adjusted singles who just have an “unlucky” set of circumstances preventing them from finding someone.
Even if it were the case that all relationships were good ones, we often think of dating as being a net benefit to one’s life. But time and resources are finite, so for everything you add, you must subtract something else. Be it free time, money, energy, friends, or privacy, something has to go away when love is added to the equation. Even the long-distance relationships that some college students have can be costly in terms of mental energy, as they painfully yearn for each other’s company. Going back to the idea of dating experience, it’s a fallacy to think that “if I did more then, I would have more now.” Ask yourself: Is there any aspect of your life that you would trade in for a relationship?
Then there’s the flip side of this, which is the idea that dating is a learning experience that improves you as a person. It certainly does have the ability to do that, don’t get me wrong. But being single is its own learning experience, which is equally valuable. We get to build identities for ourselves that don’t revolve around our partners or how much we “pull.” It may not be ideal, but as we live our own lives and learn to enjoy and appreciate being single, we’ll be more prepared to deal with breakups and other emotional obstacles should they eventually come our way.
You’re Not Single Because of Why You Think You’re Single
Incels and blackpillers will tell you that looks and genetics are everything in dating. “Normies” will say it’s all about confidence. Leftists will call out capitalism for making us antisocial;
conservatives will blame feminism for polarizing the two genders. And as I sit in my classes, I’m reminded that programming might not be the most attractive of interests.
Much like the aforementioned obsession with confidence I had years ago, you might be focused on some aspect of your life you’ll need to improve to find love. But the reality is that there’s no “magic button” you can press to turn yourself into the Rizzler. On the other hand, obsessing over a “defective” side of yourself can cause you to believe that someone can “fix you,” which couldn’t be further from the truth. If you’re miserable alone, you’ll be miserable with someone else.
Sometimes
You Just Gotta Thug it Out
I’ve written down a lot of stuff here about how romance isn’t the most important thing in the world, and how it’s far from it. On some days, it’ll resonate with you pretty easily, and you’ll be ridin’ solo. Other days, not so much. You can strip away all the social pressure and all the brainwashing, but at the end of the day, you’ll still be attracted to people, and you might still want someone to some extent. I’d be lying if I told you there weren’t any nights when I’m walking home from class in sub-zero temperatures, with 55 assignments due the next day, wishing I at least had someone to share the struggle with, and wondering why I can’t just be one of the millions of people to whom it all comes naturally. I originally wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to write this article because I don’t have it “all figured out” yet, but to put it off until I do would be a fool’s errand.
You might need to consciously tell yourself you don’t have it so bad. Remind yourself of everything that is going your way, even if it’s small. Picture yourself getting dragged through a makeup store (or an electronics store) if you have to. Lock in on what you know and what you’re good at. Ironically, some of the times I’ve worried the least about this stuff were when I was busiest with schoolwork and other projects. You may be lonely at times, but don’t let it stop you from enjoying your life.
And above all, remember that plenty of people are in your exact situation. You’ll be fine.
Connections Answers
