RELEASING OUR SHAME STORIES
RELEASING OUR SHAME STORIES The more I speak to people in my counseling practice, the more I become aware of the hidden shame that many of us carry. We’re ashamed of our bodies, our thoughts, and the feeling that we’re odd, defective, or abnormal. Shame is a form of secret suffering that we keep in the shadows of our being. It’s like a bruise that keeps getting re-opened over and over. Simply said, shame hurts. Shame is a source of unhappiness that thrives on inattention. Ignore the shameful feelings, and they’ll poke at you forever. But turn toward them with your loving and curious attention, and the pain of shame begins to soften. This is the paradox that begins to set you free. You get to know the story of shame and the way it takes up residence in your body. And your heart begins to open with compassion to this mind pattern that veils the truth of the present moment. And what opens to these thoughts and feelings? It is you, infinite spaciousness, being aware of shame, watching it like a movie on the screen. This is so important to know the you who is aware of shame is simply noticing, untouched by the shame itself. Shame might be what you believe, but it's not the truth of who you are. This is how you find freedom from the shame. You discover the gap between the experience of self-critical shame and you as the observer of it. In the moments when you rest as this observing presence, the wave of shame subsides. The observer is appreciating the way things are. Self-criticism is judging the way things are. The observer is the conscious awareness, intuitive heart, or voice of the soul and just appreciates things as they are. The mind judges. Conscious awareness appreciates. We can begin to appreciate phenomena as it is without always having an opinion about it. After a while you notice your self-criticizing. Now you’re relating to shame in a completely new way. Instead of being lost in it, you study it to see what it is—and realize that it doesn’t have to define you. You become tender toward the shame, feeling its pain, while also knowing that something in you is stable, whole, and perfectly okay. Can you find that sense of being okay, maybe just a little? Even if it's a tiny seed, it’s in there, I promise you. And here's a bonus: the more we befriend our own perceived imperfections, the more tender we are toward others. In the silence of shame, you might convince yourself that you’re the only one who feels the way you do. But dig one inch below the surface, and you’ll find that everyone is vulnerable in the same way. It's the nature of the human condition. We're all messy, awkward,
and unsure of ourselves. This insight invites us to meet our own and others’ vulnerability with love, compassion, acceptance, and lightness—and not judgment. Self-critical judging doesn’t serve, but love and presence serve endlessly. Be the loving presence for whatever arises – whether in yourself or someone else. Then, with deep acceptance of your own experience, the fear of judgement starts to fall away. You will start to show up with others and be open and vulnerable. You will share what you’re experiencing because you no longer need to hide it. You will break down walls and open the door to so much intimacy and deep understanding. Ignoring shame will keep you lonely and disconnected. Meet it with curiosity and a tender and open heart, and you’ll wake up to yourself: peaceful, boundless, and one with all. It’s a sacred path.