Please accept our deepest sympathy for you at this sad time.
The death of someone you love can be a devastating experience and even if you knew they were dying, you may still feel a sense of shock when they die.
When someone dies, there are many decisions and arrangements to be made. This booklet aims to provide some useful help and advice during the early days of your bereavement - from understanding your emotional and physical responses to the practical things you will need to do, such as register the death and arrange the funeral.
We hope this booklet will help you at this difficult time.
Coming to terms with the death of someone you love
The death of someone you love is a devastating experience and can bring about stronger emotions than most people have ever felt before.
Even if you have known that your loved one was dying, there is still a sense of shock when the death occurs. You may feel cold, numb, empty and unreal for a time. Following this, you may experience emotions such as anger, panic, guilt and sadness. This may also be accompanied by periods of restlessness, especially at night when it is difficult to sleep. You may also react by becoming irritable or critical of yourself and others, which can lead to feelings of despair. All these are natural reactions to bereavement and are not a sign that you cannot cope anymore.
During this time, you may need the support of others. Do not be afraid to speak about your feelings to someone. This is often a difficult time for family and friends too. They may be afraid to speak about your loved one for fear of upsetting you. It may be necessary for you to take the first step; let them know you want to talk and would like their support.
You may also wish to seek the support of a minister or priest, regardless of your religious beliefs.
Grief is an individual process and we can each react differently, so do not feel that you should necessarily experience the feelings we have described. What is important is that you allow yourself time to grieve and come to terms with your bereavement in whatever way is right for you.
In time, the pain will hopefully begin to ease and you will find yourself being able to remember your loved one without becoming too distressed. This is a good sign, and an indication that you are beginning to come to terms with your loss.
There is a national charitable organisation known as CRUSE, which was founded to help the bereaved. They can offer emotional and practical help and also arrange social activities if you would find this helpful. The telephone numbers of the local branches are:
East Surrey
North Surrey
South Surrey
020 8393 7238
01932 571 177
0808 808 1677
Grief in children and adolescents
Generally children do not understand the meaning of death until they are three or four years old. However, they feel the sense of loss of a close relative or friend in much the same way as adults. Even in infancy, it is clear that children grieve and feel great distress. Children experience the passage of time differently to adults and can appear to overcome grief more quickly. However, children in their early school years may need reassuring that they are not responsible for the death of a close relative as they often blame themselves.
It is important that the grief of a young person is not overlooked, as they will often not want to burden parents by talking about their feelings. It can be helpful to include them in arrangements for the funeral, for example. Remember to tell schools and clubs about the child’s loss as their behaviour may change and they may be angry or withdrawn.
What to do first - for deaths occurring in the community hospitals
The nursing staff are here to be of support and can give you guidance. If the death occurred outside of normal working hours please contact the out-of-hours GP who will arrange for a community nurse or doctor to verify the death.
Dorking Community Hospital
Horsham Road, Dorking RH4 2AA
Telephone: 01372 735711
Molesey Community Hospital
High Street, West Molesey KT8 2LU
Telephone: 020 8296 4460
What to do first - for deaths occurring in the community
When death occurs telephone your GP or health care professional as soon as possible. If the death occurred outside of normal working hours please contact the out-of-hours GP who will arrange for a community nurse or doctor to verify the death.
By law, a medical doctor is required to provide a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death when a person has died to confirm the death and state the cause of death. The doctor will complete this as soon as possible. This will be sent straight to the Medical Examiner (see page 5).
In some cases where the doctor is uncertain about the reason or the circumstances of death it may not be possible to issue the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death. If the death was sudden or unexpected the doctor is legally obliged to inform the coroner. More information can be found below.
Coroner’s post mortem
Occasionally, deaths have to be reported to the Coroner who decides if there should be a post mortem. If this is the case, the Coroner’s Officer will contact you and give advice as to what you should do and when you can register the death with the Registrar. In this instance the Coroner, will issue the MCCD and there may be a small delay before you can proceed.
The Medical Examiner
Surrey Downs Health and Care refers all deaths to the Medical Examiner. The Medical Examiner is a senior doctor who is not involved in the care of the patient, but who understands the circumstances surrounding the cause of death.
The purpose of the Medical Examiner is to make it easier for bereaved relatives to understand the wording on the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death and to ensure that this information is correct by performing a review of the medical records.
Someone from the Medical Examiner’s team will contact a designated family member to help you understand the cause of death. You will also be asked if you have any concerns regarding your loved one’s care during their final illness.
Although the Medical Examiner may not be able to answer your questions immediately, they will advise you regarding sources of additional support or information.
Request for a hospital post mortem
Occasionally the doctor who issued the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death may ask your permission for a post mortem examination to be carried out to assist in medical knowledge and teaching.
The post mortem will be explained to you and you will be asked to give your consent as, in this instance, it is entirely your decision whether you grant your permission for this. If you agree, you will be asked to sign a form. The examination should not delay the funeral arrangements.
Clothing and valuables
If the person died in a community hospital, any property and valuables not taken away at the time of death may be collected at a later stage. Contact the community hospital concerned on their main number (see page 3) and ask for the nurse in charge. He or she will be able to advise you where and when to collect items.
Registering the death
When you have been notified that the Medical Certificate of the Cause of Death has been completed, you can make arrangements to register the death. You have up to five days from the date of the certificate being issued to do this.
You must contact the following number to make an appointment to register the death, which can be done at offices in Leatherhead or Weybridge (see below).
Tel: 0300 200 1002
Monday - Friday 9am to 4.30pm
The offices at which you can register the death are:
• Leatherhead Register Office, The Mansion, 70 Church Street, Leatherhead KT22 8DP
You will need to give the Registrar the following document and information:
• The date and place of the death of the person who has died
• Their last (usual) address, which may be a residential or nursing home
• Their first names and surname (and maiden name if appropriate)
• Their date and place of birth
• Their occupation (or former occupation if retired)
• If the person was married, the name, occupation and date and place of birth of their marriage partner
• Whether the person who has died was receiving a pension or allowance from public funds.
It is important to have as much information as possible to give to the Registrar. However, if you are unsure of any details do not delay seeing the Registrar because they will be able to offer advice.
The Registrar will then give you two things:
A Certificate for Burial or Cremation (also known as the Green Form) to give to the Funeral Director, and a Certificate of Registration of Death (usually known as the Death Certificate). You will need this document to send to the department of Social Security. If you wish you may purchase certified copies of the Death Certificate. This may be helpful in dealing with financial and other matters. We recommend you obtain at least one copy. The Registrar will be able to explain the costs of this to you.
If the Coroner has been involved he or she will give you a Certificate for Burial or a Certificate for Cremation, which again needs to be given to the Funeral Director.
Arranging the funeral
It is important to contact a Funeral Director of your choice as soon as you are able so they can start making preliminary arrangements for you. You can do this even before the MCCD has been issued. Funeral Directors are a valuable source of information for you and most are available seven days a week.
They will usually be happy to visit you in your home. They can advise you on registering the death and other issues. Costs of funerals do vary and you may wish to ask for a brochure and price list or compare the costs before making a decision. A funeral can take place in the Funeral Director’s own Chapel. If you wish, the Funeral Director can organise for the cremation to take place without the attendance of family or friends, which can reduce costs considerably. The deceased may have already made arrangements and/or payment for a funeral. This information may be kept with their Will or personal documents or with their solicitor. If you think this may be the case but are unable to locate the information you may like to check with the local Funeral Directors.
If you receive State Benefits you can apply for help in paying for funeral costs. You can obtain form SF200 (Funeral Payment from the Social Fund) from your local Department for Work and Pensions Office, Job Centre Plus or the Bereavement Office. Please check the costs this Social Fund will cover. You may wish to organise things by yourself, but do consider asking for help from relatives or a close and trusted friend. They will want to help and support you in any way they can.
Last respects
If you wish to pay your last respects to the deceased we recommend you contact your Funeral Director who will be pleased to arrange this for you.
What else has to be done?
Things to send back
You should return the following, with a note of explanation and the date of death with each of the documents:
Order books or payable orders to the Social Security Office or other office that issued the payment
Driving licence
Passport
Membership cards of clubs and associations
Library books and tickets
Any NHS equipment such as wheelchairs, hearing aids, artificial limbs etc.
People to tell
Local social services if the person was getting meals-on-wheels, home help or day centre care
Inland Revenue
Employer and trade union
Car insurance company
Gas company
Electricity company
Telephone company
Water company
Council tax/Housing Benefit Office
Bank
Building society
After the funeral
Settling the deceased person’s estate can be confusing, time-consuming and distressing. If you have been named as the Executor in the Will it is your responsibility to see that the person’s wishes, as you understand them, are carried out. This will include payment of funeral expenses, debts and taxes, as well as the disposal of their possessions and assets.
To undertake these tasks you will need to obtain probate for the Estate through the Probate Service. This can be done quite simply (for telephone number see page 12) and can be more cost effective than using a solicitor. However, if it seems likely that the Estate could be complex, it may be worth using solicitors and accountants to obtain probate. Fees will be charged for these services and they will come out of the Estate. Make it clear precisely what work they are required to do. While this is going on, access to monies in the Estate can be difficult, but a solicitor may be able to arrange alternative financial support, and sometimes banks and building societies may write a cheque from the Estate to cover funeral expenses even before probate is granted.
For those who have been close relatives or friends, the process of adjusting to your loss may take a while. Try to avoid making hasty decisions during this time, especially if you are living alone.
Remembering
Everyone will have their own way to remember the person who has died. Talk about them and mention their name often and put emphasis on the good things that happened when they were alive. Members of the family or close friends may appreciate a photograph or small object as a reminder. Most important of all will be your own memories.
Useful telephone numbers
Samaritans 116 123
CRUSE 0808 808 1677
Age UK Surrey 01483 503 414
The Compassionate Friends 0345 123 2304 (nationwide organisation for bereaved parents)
Department for Work and Pensions 0800 169 0190
War Pension helpline 0800 169 2277
Probate Service 0300 123 1072
Useful websites
Stop mail
To stop unwanted junk mail addressed to the recently deceased, please visit www.stopmail.co.uk or call 0808 168 9607. This free of charge service provided by the Bereavement Support Network will actively reduce the unwanted mail and the likelihood of identity theft following the death of someone close.
From the Rebecca Notebook by Daphne du Maurier
“I would say to those who mourn - and I can only speak from experience - look upon each day that comes as a challenge, as a test of courage. The pain will come in waves, some days worse than others for no apparent reason. Accept the pain, do not suppress it. Never attempt to hide the grief from yourself.”
Your experiences
The views of the people who use our services are important to us. We want to know when things have gone well, but also when we don’t get things right, so we can continually improve our services. To share your experience, please contact our Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS):
Tel: 01372 735243
Email: est-tr.PALS@nhs.net
Write to: PALS, Epsom Hospital, Dorking Road, Epsom, KT18 7EG
You can also visit our website for more information: surreydownshealthandcare.nhs.uk/your-experience
Reference: SDHC020-20
Publication date: May 2025
Review date: May 2027
We wish to thank the advertisers and sponsors, without whom this publication would not have been possible. Surrey Downs Health and Care does not endorse any of the products or services they provide.
Surrey Downs Health and Care would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services o ering their help at this time.
Whilst Surrey Downs Health and Care is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.
This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and Surrey Downs Health and Care. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have.
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