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Fitz to build giant border fence
NEWS PAGE xxi
April Fools Day, 2011
KEN HARRIS/ASM
Mayors Paul Soglin and Dave Cieslewicz celebrate their victory. by Kurly MurlyNurly THE DIRTY BIRD
Angry over how 14 Democrats left the state in protest of a union busting bill, Senate Majority Leader Jeff (or Scott?) Fitzgerald announced a plan Tuesday that would put a fence around the state of Wisconsin in order to keep renegade Wisconsin senators where they belong. The proposal, estimated to cost âless than a fast train but more than Capitol building damageâ by one LRB (or LFB?) official, would be constructed in the south between Kenosha and Dubuque, Iowa, and in the
BABE THE BIG BLUE OX/THE DIRTY BIRD
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walkerâs deal would sell Madison to an excited Illinois while moving the entire Capitol building to Brookfield.
Walker announces sale of Madison to Illinois by Colin Londistance THE DIRTY BIRD
In an attempt to solve Wisconsinâs budget and political crisis in one blow, Gov. Scott Walker announced Thursday night he has struck a deal to sell Madison to Illinois. Walker attributed his decision to Madisonâs recent political upheaval and liberal history, which he said is more common for a blue state like Illinois than a newly-formed red state like Wisconsin. âBy selling Madison to Illinois, we can ensure Wisconsinâs future as a permanently Republicanheld state,â Walker said from a secret tunnel beneath M&I Bank. âThis will work as a tool to keep Wisconsin open for business and help us create 250,000 new jobs.â Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn applauded Walkerâs deal from his bunker under Soldier Field in Chicago. âGovernor Walkerâs generosity has gifted Illinois with one of Americaâs most beautiful and productive cities,â Quinn said. âI have no idea why the hell he would hate Madison so much, but Iâll take the deal anyway.â Since Wisconsinâs capital city will now belong to Illinois, Walker
also said he plans to move the Capitolâs physical structure on a semi-truck down Interstate 94 to the Brookfield Country Club. Popular radio talk show host Vicki McKenna said she found decision inspiring. âI donât play golf, but all of those damn Commies sleeping at the Capitol hate it because itâs the game of the bourgeoisie,â McKenna said as she beat her puppy with a Bible. âAnything to piss off those socialist bastards without birth certificates is better for a wholesome, Christian America.â Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, a Packer fan and lifelong Wisconsin citizen, said he was surprised by Walkerâs decision but welcomes the opportunity to collect Illinoisâ higher taxes. Cieslewicz added he plans to use the opportunity to take more international bicycling trips originating at Chicagoâs OâHare airport. âMaybe now that weâre part of Illinois weâll finally get a highspeed rail line to the airport,â Cieslewicz said. âI could probably fly to Amsterdam and back in the time it takes for Alder Thuy PhamRemmele to give a speech on the Council floor.â
âWe thought about fencing the Mississippi River, the St. Croix River and Lake Michigan, but everybody knows Democrats canât swim, or afford boats. I mean; they can probably float on doors, I guess.â Scott (or Jeff) Fitzgerald Senate Majority Leader northwest, between Duluth, Minn., and the small town of Swiss, Wis., on the Minnesota border. âWe thought about fencing the Mississippi River, the St. Croix River and Lake Michigan, but everybody knows Democrats canât swim,â Fitzgerald said.âOr afford boats. I mean; they can probably float on doors, I guess.â When asked why Republicans didnât want to fence the Wisconsin-Michigan border, Fitzgerald gave a puzzled look and asked, âWisconsin borders Michigan?â Some Democrats took the news well. âThatâs just good government,â said Sen. Fred Risser, D-Madison. Others took on a more aggressive approach. âWeâll dig under every fence, float on every door, beg for money until we can afford a plane ticket,â said Rep. Brett Hulsey, D-Madison.âGod help us; we will leave this state if we want to.â When it was pointed out to Hulsey that he was a member of the Assembly, and not the Senate, and therefore not the target of Fitzgeraldâs new legislation, he explained he didnât understand the difference, then fired an aide.
Madisonâs 2 mayors by Amy Zorpahl THE DIRTY BIRD
MADISON,WI [The fuckinâ future!!!111] â As the results came in Tuesday evening, progressives and progressives alike flooded into the streets of Madison to proclaim,âWait, what?â as incumbent Mayor Dave Cieslewicz and challenger Paul Soglin somehow split the vote like, seriously, right down the middle, prompting a weird double mayor deal, I donât know. While many predicted the race to be close given the experience and bold vision of each candidate, few in the media or the general public bothered to note the redundancy of even holding a race between the two nearly identical candidates. With a focus on economic development, strengthening ties with neighborhoods throughout the city and standing up to Gov. Scott Walker and the stateâs Republican-controlled Legislature, the campaign of Cieslewicz and/or Soglin drew considerable support even prior to the primaries. But many voters, particularly those
in the city of Madison, were impressed by Cieslewiczâs or Soglinâs track record of strong leadership in office or the Edgewater Hotel project or Monona Terrace or something. âI feel that because of his having served in this capacity before, heâll be an able leader in the coming years,â Ald. Bryon Eagon, District 8, said about one or probably both of them. Details are yet to be finalized regarding exactly how the office will be administered, though University of Wisconsin political science professor Charles Franklin said the situation is not entirely unheard of. âItâs whatâs known in the political world as a Thunderdome,â Franklin said.âItâs pretty simple really:Two mayors enter, one mayor leaves.â âTwo mayors enter! One mayor leaves! Two mayors enter! One mayor leaves!â he added, pumping his fists into the air. Neither Cieslewicz nor Soglin were available for comment as of press time at 10 p.m., as they were too busy highfiving each other at an undisclosed location.
UW secedes from United States by Mitch THE DIRTY BIRD
University of Wisconsin Chancellor Biddy Martin, in apparent frustration with the Board of Regents, announced the flagship school of the UW System will set sail and secede from these United States. âFuck it,â Martin rtin said between bugles atop a cavalry avalry horse on Bascom Hill.âWeâve Weâve tried to reason with them, em, establish the UWâs supremacy macy and need for separation, and they still want to treat at us all equally. We are the superior school!â l!â This announcement sent shockwaves through the Board of Regents, with President Kevin n Reilly vowing the Regents will not let UW leave quietly â reverting Camp p Randall Stadium m back to an Armyy training camp and using that one cannon
thatâs still out back if necessary. Gov. Scott Walker also expressed his dismay at seeing UW leave the Union. âSeriously Biddy?! Câmon, at least let me sell you guys off,â Walker said, a suspicious glint growing in his eye.âI bet I could make a tidy profit off of you guys. Yes, a very tidy profit indeedâŠâ However, other government supportive leaders were supportiv of
Martinâs proposal, in a manner of speaking. Longtime UW critic Rep. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, w was seen doing heel clicks click on the Capitol lawn and trying to start a chant of âhey hey hey, goodbye.â No word yet if the Bascom Hill Abe Lincoln statue will attempt to intervene in the conflict.