KuyaNews 2024

MODERN FAMILIES FEUD: THE BORING SOMOHON ERECTIONS 2024

Cumming into their most UGA (ouch baby masakit) szn, the SOMOHON erections is so not giving this year. Di naman lami ���� They say relationships end when the spark is no longer there, pero what if ang famiLIES na ang way spark?

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KUYA NEWS SLAVES

LIL KASALANAN SHORTIE

Kuya’s Trophy Wife

JACK COLE

Kuya’s Sugar Baby

QUE SY GIRL

Kuya’s Sugar Daddy

TINA MORAN

Kuya’s Side Hoe

PATRICE SAM

Kuya’s Maid

CHOO PHA

Kuya’s AI Bot

SAM G. YUP

Kuya’s Backburner

OXBAR EXAM TOPNOTCHER, POOH Z. KLIN, MS. CONASHA, KHO N. DOM, YLO K. AS LOUM, VALET CANA PISH, VINI KULIT, NONCHA LANT CHALANT, OH TEEN BAHU

Kuya’s Tea Brewers

DENISE JULIA BARETTO, OLIVIA RODRIGO DUTERTE, SHEESH ESCUDERO, G. KATLAN BERNARDO, PENNY TRATION, AKENNA MUD THAMO, TEE VEEBY, KATHY BAE LATTE, TANG YNNA MOU

Kuya’s Ghostwriters

THOR JACK, HEV HABIBI

Kuya’s Vandalizers

SHAI RA SILOS, GAVINO ANG, DUE DAKS

Kuya’s Publicists

MAN WHO CAN’T BE MOVED

Kuya’s Fast Hand

BOTT TOM KHO, MIKE LITORIS, LOU VUTTON

Kuya’s Paparazzi

POT ANGINA, LUCKY TEETEE, PABLO JAB, KC CONTRACEPTION, LEE MIN HOE, KATH SUDON, BEE SONG

Kuya’s Spokespipol

PAULE E. YAUGHT, LEE BAG, DAVAO TRIPPER, NEE WANG BAE HOO BABA, REGINA GEORGE BUSH, KC CONTRACEPTION, DINA LILY GO, BEA BANGENGE

Kuya’s Tiktokerists

PRESIDENT NADINE Kuya’s Sweetheart <3

SOMOHON MEMORI LANE:

DO U GET DEJA BOO?

OWEMJEE,

it’s that time of the year again. Birthday ko?! NO #WAY!!! It’s d ✨SOMOHON Erection szn! ✨��

Hmmm, so it really is near the end of Mx. China Townch, Mx. Deins Goma, Soaring High Tampon, and Michelin Kumanan’s term. Now, let’s have a trip down memory lane, balikan nato ang mga “achievements” of the top 4. As we come to (almost) close the school year, ask yourselves: doyougetdéja boo?

TRANSPO-HUH?

Here in Davao City na pati mag baktas, traffic. Shawarawt sayo atequoh, ang gi promise mo na TranspoHabhab, best drawing ever! In this house, we scream #NoToJeepneyPhaseout pero we say YES to walay TranspoHabhab. We believe communicashawn is the key (puro meetings) but now na patapos na ang term, at the get GOW GOW GOW lang tayo sa drawings! Let’s teleport nalang mga commuterz, racing para maka-unag sakay sa jeep.

A Facebook post by SOMOHON stated that there was a consultation between them and PPO regarding the project. But sinetch itey ba na PPO? Porda Post Only? BRB changing my bio into LF: Softboi na naka honda civic, na amoy johnson’s baby powder, tas marunong mag parallel park–yung hindi ma post sa Davao Idiot Drivers at willing magpakatanga for me.

Although such projects cannot ideally be launched within a single school year, there still needs to be more

clarity regarding where we are in progress. While updates regarding TranspoHabhab are delivered after discussions with PPO, one could agree that SOMOHON should update more often, kung aasa ba ako sayo. Kimmy!

WISH UPON A STAR SEARCH

Starlet Search, Starlet Search, Starlet Search, naa ba sa Starbucks ang Star nga gina search? Emz, ka corny ba aning ghostwriter ni Kuya. Pero speaking of ghosts?! Whyketch ASP man ang gipa take ng blame for the infamous Starlet Search 2023. Ghoiz, it’s not their fault! It’s chrue that there were technical difficulties and a lack of foresight, but no one ultimately expected and wanted it. And it’s not lyk wala silang ginawa to address the isyu. Keribooms na man daw to continue at the time pero give-up na daw ana si Mx. Head ng Sadyawa. It’s lyk…STAHP THE CAR KOYA! Trust and confidence sa team, where?! HUHU broken relationship </3

But like them (prods) nga luoy, it is even more saddening to know that all the performers, including their respective teams’ efforts, just went down the drain. Initially, they announced na magclose door performance na lang daw pero close door meeting lang nangyari LYK ANOTHER RED FLAG! Nag announce with all the mic and everything na may performance pa to compensate for the efforts and all pero wala talaga sila naka perform kahit sa classroom lang.

And the plot twist here is no receipt and compensation

sa financial expenses ng performers! Makawish na lang talaga si koya upon a star na performers will be given justice sa nangyari… and now the blame is directed sa ASP while Soaring High Tampon is soaring high gyud until we don’t know asa na siya rn!

BOTBOTB SA SADYAWA

The show’s not over, Areneyans! Remember the ticket prices sa BOTBOTB? It was really a Sadyawa time when SOMOHON edited their FB post: first, it was stated that “ALL proceeds from this event will contribute to…” but was edited to “PORTION of the proceeds…” Hala teh nastress pati ang FB history! However, Kuya believes in the power of clarity– to always be sure before posting. <33

After the happenings in Sadyawa, a transparency report was released. Okay, Michelin Kumanan and friends. Thanks, I guess. But speaking of BOTBOTB, nganong gipaperform ang naay bad reputation nga famous band?! Do more research next time, oki? ��

And, despite the unforeseen circumstances, Kuya would like to acknowledge the event’s success (and cheers! to more improvements).

TOWNHALL? WHAT TOWNHALL?

Freshies, do you know what TownHall Discussion is? Ahh, you only know Blue’s Clues ug AdDU Freedom Wall? Gege. TownHall discussion is the time for important, latest, and serious chikaminute with SOMOHON and Admin to

address students’ problems, usually done before the semester starts and by the previous SOMOHON administrations. Oie, my birdies told me nga unta naa gihapon TownHall karon because it is an avenue for communication and discernment. :((

Areneyan: Uhh… hello I have concern, pero aha man nako ipa abot aron madunggan sa admin? Sa blue’s clues?

Kuya: sa akoa nalang, my little birdie, mas credible pa man daw ko kaysa kay artenoise.

Artenoise: LOH, UNSA NASAD?

My fellow Areneyans, since SOMOHON Erections nasad.

This has been a rollercoaster of a school year, so let us acknowledge what has been done, both good and needing improvements. And now, please vote for candidates who know how to do their job and consider the feasibility of their platforms. ‘Wag niyo sayangin karapatan niyo, okay? okay. improvements. And now, please vote for candidates who know how to do their job and consider the feasibility of their platforms. ‘Wag niyo sayangin karapatan niyo, okay? okay.

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MODERN FAMILIES FEUD: THE BORING SOMOHON ERECTIONS 2024

Cumming into their most UGA (ouch baby masakit) szn, the SOMOHON erections is so not giving this year. Di naman lami �� �� They say relationships end when the spark is no longer there, pero what if ang famiLIES na ang way spark and problematic na?

Flop era napud this erections kasi forda who man itong wannabees this year? Since ang mga favorite ni mama are already graduating (and lost their chance last year) or di na nauto, the skwaads are left with the last options. Or were there any options at all? Pass sa halatang no choice candidit.

It seems like everyone is trying to be everything, everywhere, all at once! Multiverse yarn? Mugawas ra ang different personalities (and past lives) everytime there is a concerned Areneyan. Ani na jud ba ka uga ang erection szn nga kahit anong pampa-wet nalang ginagawa to erect the Areneyans’ attention?! Hays, things we do for power tologo… Musta kaha ang acads ani nila?

From Kawlangsapat to di na sapat. Gandanghari to di na naghahari. Batanggilas but di nagpa-gilas. Like what happened? Is this the end of an era? (English yarn?!?!) Unsaon atong “The family that prays slays together, stays forever” kung not slayable naman ang slates this year?

Dibaaaa, when we speak of student leaders, we think of people who are intelligent, brave, and socio-politically aware. Yung type of people na who knows their stand and di balimbing, tapos kagaling magsalita and yung grabe katalino mag-communicate ng thoughts (shet type ko ‘to, plus points po yung emotionally intelligent na nangheheadlock EME) but voters, do you think

this is the case? Kaya, the yearly Modern Family Feud continues!

Areneyow, gising!

Kawlangsapat and their six-year itch might’ve been true kasi Areneyans are unaware of the existence of their candiditz… Mataas din baya expectations sa inyo as the oldest family ha!erections. Still, the yearly Modern Family Feud continues!

Gandanghari naman… they have their presidentiablaisticosmic pambato na after 5 years! Yun nga lang, the consequence is nawala naman yung forda tigerz (iyaq HUHU). Still, what took so long? Nakulangan ba sa lube bantog nadugay ang penetration?

Batanggilas this year is… parang bata magpapakitang gilas? Dalawa na lang gani manok niyo, tapos hindi pa talaga sure (eme), di na nakapakitang gilas tologo (sayang namarn). Bawi next szn!

A little birdie told Kuya nga disappointed napud ang mga ancestors ninyo? Palagi naman talaga yan ga sawsaw mga dinosaurs (sometimes crocodiles) diba… Careful lang kayu ha!! … kay baka ang gigil to win will backfire instead.

Unta prepared so much ang mga baby ghostwriters (na subscribed to GPT 4.0), PR squads, and resident Canva editors ninyo to minimize the damages done by your wannabes. Ungkatan ng past baya ang theme of this year’s famiLIE feud baya!

The cumback of f2f erection has really changed the political landscape of Arneyow… to portrait (eme). Nakikita na talaga natin ang harap-harapang plastikan (Atecconeyow oh!) ng mga SOMOHON wannabes. Ayna dira, et! Kuya knows u and ur smelly secrets (and ilok) �� I have the tea-teh.

Di na tologo same from waaaay before… instead of someone we can look up to, people with questionable backgrounds naman ang nag-run uy. Maka-ask tuloy ako ba, how can we hold our elected leaderz accountable if ganito ang mga candiditz? San na yung mga open to constructive criticismz and ga take time to reassess not just situations but also themselves as leaderz? (Kuya misses you po)

TBH,KuyaisboredAF!Don’t youhaveanythingXXXcitingto offer? Bukod sa annual online familyfeud(f2fwhen),nothing seemedtopiquemyinterest

thisyear.Hays,it’snotthesame anymoregyud ��*cueEverything HasChangedbyTaylorSheesh Escudero*

Basta,backgroundcheck munatayoArneyansha?Choose yourcandidateswisely,dilitong gwapa/gwapolangdayonang botohon.Untana-erectnikuya inyongmgautogktobecritical thiserectionsandchoosetheright SOMOHONwannabesngadililang gadaganfordaclout.

❤︎ Due Daks

The Freenance Ofis, the ofis na until now trapal pa rin ang shed sa labas ng cashiers, told us all last Feb na may 7% Matrie Kula and Mx. Fee increase next year because of inflation.

In fairness, much of it is for upgrading facilities (mukaging na ka sa mga classrooms huhu hanap ka cuddle pls) and paying university workers with adequate wages. However, not all of that 7% is shared by all of us because of some *internal* fees.

And let’s be honest, di rin naman natin gets at dama kung saan mapupunta ang mga bayarin na yan (like the Vuhklud Fee ni SOMOHON). So, as a tamang hinala ferzon, I will be guiding you all in breaking down the fees na maka break down sa bank accounts ng parentals natin.

And even if walay nangutana, I’ll be giving tips on how we can all maximize our exorbitant fees. #Cumpassionate

Ready na? What about ang mga nag take ng Philo kay hindi sa AdDU nag SHS? Ready na? CHOZ EME LANG.

FUNDING THE OFIS OF SUPER DUPER ARTE’S GANAPTCH

According to a close source, a significant amount of money will fund the Ofis ng Super Duper Arte’s (OSDA) printing of RFIDs. Ang purpose daw sa RFID kay hindi para magamit ng students this year, but para may variety ang IDs ang mga people pag, for example, mag claim sila ng mga padala sa Kalawang Pawnshop or Zebbiana Lhuillier and other related transactions.

For graduating students na tamad magkuha ng valid ID, RFIDs can stand as a valid and alumni ID din daw. On the other hand, for the freshies na temporary pa rin ang IDs, they can attend the well-funded “Areneyow First Year De-OAtation Program” the newest program that will encourage them to be more nonchalant na hindi gawing personality ang ID.

A portion of the budget will also fund the samgyup sessions of future AFDYOP student facilitators, instead na i-properly compensate sila ni OSDA para tipid. #Tipidity

#KuyaTips: Prepareyourcuntiest photoseverforRFIDkayveryHDng picsordon’tgraduateontimetoenjoy yourRFID.Avoidhangingoutwithyour AFDYOPatesandkuyasinsamgyup restosatallcosts.

FOOD, SECURITY, AND ADDITIONAL PAMPAIRITA NG STUDENTS SA GATE

In terms of food, 1% is allocated for caf vendors in buying heaters and microwave ovens to reheat ghost-cold ulams—kasing cold ng mga officers na walang say sa Fallen Star Search at mga kalit-kalit lang mag mental health break na officers. Anyway, money will be apportioned to improving the flavor and cleanliness of the water fountains, like yang sa sobrang linis kay may sabon ka pang mainom.

Another 1% is for the acquisition of metal detectors na hindi lang for display sa gates para aron ingon. Apparently, the new devices will not just detect metals only! It can also detect dress code violations agad agad. Helpful siya kay at least dili sila ate and kuya guard mang judge sa ato diba?

WHERE YOUR 7% FEE INCREASE GOES AND SOME #KUYATIPS ON HOW TO MAKE EVERY CENT FROM IT WORTH IT

The remaining percent is for gaydar microchips sa detectors that can sensibly distinguish if a student is transgender or not. This is helpful jud especially that OSDA, founded since the time of St. Ignatius, still requires queer students to secure medical certificates ascertaining their SOGIE. We live for this advance yet socially regressive era!! PURRRRRR

The most kuyaw feature, however, kay mag alarm daw sila if mag enter ang student na mag BS Org lang at magpa carry lang sa mga thesis groupmates. Paalam mga dawlimps.

#KuyaTips: Tikmanmolahatngfood sabawatstallandinumanmoang everywaterfountain.Magfitcheck always.SayYESinabolishingthe dresscodeparadilipalitonangpabida nametaldetector.Maghelpsathesis atwagmagsigerunngpositionsa kunganoanongorg.

FUNDS FOR TOTAL DE OANIZATION

Kailangan din daw taasan si Mx. Fee para i-improve ang mga grassbeds and dagdagan pa ang mga ito para wala nang mag-agawan nito na as if bahay nila ang Arrupe Hall?!

Oat Hein, a BS in Backburner Engineering told Kuya na nakakita daw sya ng “CetaphilTM (wink wink)” sa grassbeds habang naga wait siya sa Arrupe. Kung sino man kayo, please call out SOMOHON on this ishu para mag allot sila ng budget and maglagay ng anik-anik for couples para maka aftercare kayo and para mafeel ni pookie bear ang “Oteneo Love”.

Also, para fulfilling ang mga moments na ‘yan, kailangan niyong mag Netflix n’ Chill. Pero how to make it happen if hindi mag comply si AreneyowWifi_J. Henlo puu admin, bakanaman mag AreneyowWifi_K or AreneyowWifi_L kayo for variety, nakakasawa na mag stick to one, eh.

On a side note, HUIE MAG MUSIC FAIR DAW SI ADDU (but without the hot air balloons :<). Justifiable man daw yon, sabi nila Adi E. Kawnah at Juts Nazarenwho, so sana hindi flop ang mga iinvite nyo jan noh kasi Areneyans do not want a Calvin Klein

moment again and magiging “SAD”ya number 2 ang music fest (womp womp womp womp). Bakit more on local and gatekept artists ang gina invite/hire ni AdDU oi? Pakitang-tao kaayo noh?

#KuyaTips: Freelanganghindi pagigingOA.Pwederinkayongmag extendngstayheresaAdDUpara magloadnajudanginyongvideos. Also,maglistennakayosaother tracksngbigartistsparahindilang “Pasilyo”angsongnamaingaytayo lahat,oki?

BUDGET PARA PAMPABILIS

Tabs out, Kural in!!! Pero sure ba na hindi na mag relapse- este, mag re reminisce (baka mabash tayo ng mga psychics jan HAHAHAHA) si Areneyow sa nakaraan? Of course uy, hindi pa rin mawawala ang “Ang Dili Dato, Undang (ADDU)” na intiative ni Areneyow.

Of course oi mag ful-on Ignatian sila kasi if they find God in all things, may Diyos din sa pera (huie bad). Naghahanap kaba ng venue para sa inyong org event? Bayad muna sa venues. Pero oi, immune ka man daw sa fee if mag paperwork kayo para makita kayo ni PeePeeOhhh.

Alam nyo ba where naga punta ang ating tuition once papasok sila sa Finance Office? No? Kami rin ehehehe. Common theory kasi nyan is mag watch daw tayo sa mga tiyan ng admin. Pag mas malaki ang tiyan, alam niyo na~.

Hoi admin, tanga lang ang halatang hung-up pa sa past. Mag heal muna kayo oi!!!

#KuyaTip: Parahindigudmasayang effortsniyo,paremindnalangsa gagawangmgalettersnyonalagyan ngmgasparklesandglittersangpaper paramagandatingnan(Kuromiisa personalfaveparadevel-devel).

Basta oi, nag Areneyow bitaw mo, kayahon dapat ninyo ang 7% increase horhorhorhor. These #KuyaTips are a surefire way to make your life go the right way, all the way, the Areneyow way!!!

BALAGBAGAN 2024: TOLOGOYON AND TAPAKTAPAKAN DIGEST

......TOLOGOYON......

Artenoise: Ano yung stance niyo sa dalawang abducted environmental activists?

Adi E. Kawnah (ACC Rep, Kawlangsapat): We should foster an economically aware community pak ganern lang et!!! (Proceedstoforgettoaddresstheblatanttransgressionof humanrightsandfreedomofspeech)

Artenoise: Forda pano man gud I-protect ni In-they Sherep ang mga Filipinos in the West Philippines Sheesh?

Kendi Krush (B&M Rep, Kawlangsapat): Dapat gud no ipaglaban natin kung ano ang meron tayo, #WordsofAffirmation lang katapat.

Artenoise: Since maabtan kas 2025 eleksyonz, how ka mag encourage ng apolitical Areneyans mag vote wisely?

Jim Jalabim (SOE Rep, Gandanghari): Hala, wala man ko labot sa susyal issues lyk dat huhu kay as a science major, what eaf magcollab nalang with SS mag educate educate hehe tnx 4 da helpz !

Artenoise: Diba kasali ka sa polpar? What if mag meet and greet kayo ng ibang polpar as SOMOHON peeps?

Chiechie Burichie (SS Rep, Batanggilas): Wala gud lamang n polpar (kimmy)! Kahit we came from different Pool Parties, we are one pa din for da Areneyans yie loslos #Unitite:P

Artenoise: Should Areneyow suspend classes due to initness at alinsangan?

Moby Dick Del Monte (CS Rep, Gandanghari): Yk me, I’m not

~ From Kuya, with Love ~ April 2024 ~

suitable for islang pantropiko heat like frrr Uuughh dapat I-suspend ang klase atecco cuz IT’S HOT #FeelingInHeat.

Artenoise: Watchuthink sa pag invest ng bilyones sa Waste-to-Energy Project?

Marie U. Ana (NSM Rep, Kawlangsapat): As a bayo(bio) student, research research din! Paano ang heartz and lungz ng all? Paano nmn aq?!? Buti kung lyk the country Singarich ang atake ng waste managing #HawdAF!

Artenoise: Huiee so dba si mareng PeeAte(ch) and mareng YooEs(ch) signed a pekpek in 2023. Ano tots mu ritow knowing na magiging ploy(tch) lang eventually ni YooEs(ch) si PeeAte(ch) against Shyna(ch)?

Norshtradamus (SEA Rep, Kawlangsapat): Ismol like babyem’s deck lang si mareng PeeAte(ch) kaya needy siya like everyone’s seggs drive to keep ta(e)ys with other mares like Shyna(ch).

Artenoise: Ndi lang pala sinasayaw CHArCHAr but also pushes through our country’s economic state to a dance (the dance:��). Nutake mo ‘bout dis?

Ma. Kathy C. Ngitko (HUMLET Rep, Batanggilas): (Un) Fortunately, I’m confident(-ly unfamiliar) with the topic. Butt I chrueely bilib we showd amplify our reSOURches the way my answers are ampliFLYING to nowhere rn huehue.

Artenoise: So a(e)s(x)piring SOMOHON ka man, whatchuthink about fris fridom here sa Areneyow?

Sissy Lorde (Treasure, Kawlangsapat): As an aspiring who’s expiring very soonest (sa acads), aiming akeskes to open Areneyow’s political dialogue…(proceeds on endorsing her campaign ‘n somohon, coz makalimot rani silas fris freedom after erections!)

......TapaktapakaN......

SOMOHON SECRETARY-GENERAL

ADeVetch: Forda ano ang say niyo regarding your cocandidate’s platform?

Alex G Amaw (Kawlangsapat): Not being a feeler ha pero I feel di talaga siya aware sa current initiatives meron naman gud yan et hays!!! (yung ano gud na initiatives uhm basta di ko nalang i-mention hihi) She laks dis and she laks dats buti pa platforms ko palong-palo (sa banga).

Madina Aplaya (Gandanghari): pATaKa nauna man gud ako ng plan before the said initiative (na kalimutan ko rin ang initiative et eh), u don’t believe me? We even take into considerations mga pagkukulang ng Somohon ano ang di namin nakita in the last semester duuhhh obvious ba? Na stress ako sau ah. TIMELINE!!!

SOMOHON VICE PRESIDENT

ADeVetch: Ang cheka kay mga SOMOHON officers na cheaterz sa izkul ! Nugagawen sa kanila?

Shings Dating Dagangster (Kawlangsapat): Imbestigador ta! Gawa tayo legislation 2 address eat! Ensure quality! Dapat equal ang all kay student us b4 SOMOHON officerz! With the pipol dapat dili above like a bird dili below like a worm !

Sunggo Vlogs (Gandanghari): Haynako et! Di k pwede magmake lang ng legislation! Tanggalin m cla just lyk dat?!?! Imagine i-expidite m nnmn hayz…Kung ako yan di q sila gaganyanin! I-strengthen ko ang Student Courtz kay importante ang atake nya!

Shings Dating Dagangster (Kawlangsapat): Eksyusmi?!? Wala ako nag-say kmi mag remove �� Sabi q lng ensure quality, lam mo ‘yon? Better not Bitter—systems ! Di m knows ang system kay di ka inside �� SOMOHON, not lyk me XD

SOMOHON PRESIDENT

ADeVetch: Itey fundRICHING initiatives na ginatie with official stud events kay assumed to be underwritten by misskonasiyaeous tutition fees man dbuh? Chuthink JUTStifiable or ETITcal itong mga financial practices kemerut?

Linti nga Ipis (Gandanghari): As rep in skul of neneng, I fear I cunt sagowt dis directly kay da very liit thing na knowz q about dis kay problem tologo ang bonggacious eventz. Ano pa layk, sigurow stick lng sa answers lyk TRANSPARENCY! boogsh!

Juts Nazarenwho (Kawlangsapat): Ay here gud, supo(r)t ko mga gentong practices (gawain gud ng SOMOHON last and dis year yan which I’m included in hehe) kase tbh, de lang man solely forda inCUM?! eto lohot but to raise funds for future (flop, sono di na) eventz.

ADeVetch: Kunware, in-game kayotch sa talino-linohan, maging judger daw kayo now tapos ASSess each other’s FLATform.

Juts Nazarenwho (Kawlangsapat): Feel ko jud ay redundant na yung mga FLATforms ni Ate Linti, layk di ba nila ginassess if the platforms na ginapaglaban (mo pagmamahal co sayu) kay meron na sa Areneyow like duhh it’s giving ulitx2.

Linti nga Ipis (Kawlangsapat): Cuming from u?? Di nalang ako magtalk sa AreneyowPERyAhantch mo, oops haha! The feasibility is too painful broooo. Needy na nga tayo ng budget so muxh, butt here u are implicitly telling people dat u want to gastos just for an event layk dat!

KuyaNews 2024

BABYEM-IN THEY SHEREP: THE COUPLE WE FAILED TO PROTECT

halatang magnanakaw, bleeee~

JUST IN: Nag-break na diayz cla BabyEm and In They Sherep!? Tungod ba niz cha-cha or confidential funds?! ALAMIN!

Since love ko kayo, here’s the sizzling chismiz. Medyo dugay2 najud daw ni sila in tension sugod tung paconfidential funds ni In They Sherep kasi duhhr! Hindi naman maka-benefit si BabyEm doon chaka, may pa transparency report pa, edi lugi talaga siya!! Eto naman si BabyEm pushing for Cha-Cha, then Lil Kasalanan Roddy (Sherep’s zaddy) accusing him of being a drug addictus in a counter-rally?! So ano ba talaga ang totoo dito?!

Pero guyzz, ang pinakamasakit talaga is…si In They Sherep and BabyEm ay nag shushustikan lang daw for the Unititeam clout?! *gasps* is dis another AlDub?! My AlDub nation hart </33, mas pipiliin ko nalang yung chismiz na ayaw ni Lil Kasalanan Roddy kay BabyEm kaya sila nagbreak! Shustikan << dadi issues ftw para hindi masyado masakit paniwalaan :DD

But no worries Areneyans,

Kuya is here to da rescue!! We had a closed-door live interview with… Sunkist Lola, ay charot wala pay Pag-inOA-hay (FoE), BabyEm and In They Sherep para magka-alaman na!

BabyEm: Almost 2 years pla us, In They. B ❤�� I. Unititeam.

INSERT WE CUNT BE FRIENDS BY ARIANA GRANDE. Sheeshh, tung 2022 strong pa kaau inyung UniTITEam. Karon you just wanna let this story die… WHY BabyEm, WHY? Panget ba siya, kapalit-palit ba siya!? Huhu my OTP!

BabyEm: No cumment. Neways, Cha-Cha tayo mga one round, for closure, g ka ba?

Huie, yan lang ma-say ni xadboi?! It’z giving no complete degr– EME LAMANG, MGA ARENEYANS! Don’t attack us huh! See, the underlying issue here is, there is a couple that we failed to protect :(( Ngano mani? Ur fanatics deserve an explanation uiee! They need an acceptable reason!

BabyEm: Actually, Kuya, ok naman talaga kami, kaso ‘yang tatay niya talaga ang problema!! What the ef?! FYI, hindi ako adik, lutang lang ako hehehehe

(allegedly) bat tayo umabot sa ganito? Bakit nyo na ako sinisiraan baby???

In They Sherep: Excuse lang ha! Wag mo nga awayin ang papa dearest ko!! Tutal palagi nalang ikaw MIA :((( (awww) forda why mo ako gilaglag? Akala ko lowkey lang tayo, BabyEm? Kaya nga TG lang afford natin ehh…

“BabyEm?! Yan ba ung gustong magpa aruteesy pero naka-silent kahit under attack fellow countrymen niya dahil sa foreign aggressors!?” biglang may nagsabi galing sa side ni BabyEm. Ohemz, hindi lang kau dito lalabasan parang Chinito water cannon, labasan rin pala ng hypocrite ang segment na i2! Chaka, bumoboto kayo ng ganon, Pinas?

All of a sudden, may nag-shout from In They Sherep’s side, “In They?! Diba sabi ko adik yang boypren mo!....nagfe-fentanyl ean!! ” sigaw ni Lil Kasalanan Roddy, in da HOUZZ!

BabyEm’s wifey: Hey excuse me! Hindi ganyan ang asawa ko! U better shut it up dahil alam ko lahat ng baho niyo sabi ng pinsan ko nohh! Yuckz, mga Pader Kebs defenders! Tsaka nyan si Mwamwa Paolo, pass x halata,

Lil Kasalanan Roddy: Ay yudipotz ! Hindi kabit ang anak koh ! Pasalamat ka mainit tingin ng ICC sakn ngayon baka na-sontok kita…

Hep-hep! Wag magpipisikalan kung di naman sa kama ! (emzz) Nuks, yung segment natin ngayon meron palang underlying theme: for the struggle ang Pinas dahil, in the first place, alaws naman sense itong si BabyEm and In They Sherep.

Lil Kasalanan Roddy: Anak, end mo na! Walang pulos ang pakikipagusap mo sa adik na yan, sabi ko sayo dapat kinalaban mo na lang yan sa pagkapresidente eii!

Baby Em’s wifey: Whatevs! Babyko, this is strezful, let’s go shopping na nga because that’s what New Yorkers do! Tsaka hwoyy, In They! Wag na wag mo nang i-kontak baby ko hah,,,, alam ko na password niya sa IG wala ka nang takaz, huh! Vye kuya, alis na kami ni BabyEm!

In They Sherep:Sige, lumayas kayo! humanda kau mga taga Luzon pag punta nyo dito sa Mindanao lintek lang ang walang ganti ! *walkout*

Hays, sadly, it’s official na judt, wala na sila. Awawa naman si Lil Kasalanan Roddy, kuya heard he got gangbanged by 53 Mindanaoan lawmakers after calling for Philippine circumcision (ano nga kasi yung spileng ng seseshun?!) of Mindanese foreskin. Naks namern sa tatay mo, In They. OA niyo tologo, mag focus ka na lang kaya sa DepEd mu?!

But, wait there’s still 4yrs to go, beke nemen may pa charac development tayo diyan? Future ng Pinas nakasalalay d2 mga sizt, bka hingan n kayo ng passport pagponta niu sa Mindanao haa,, forda federalizationism ni ito.. naninuod na jud ni sila!! Kaya beke pwede nmn pls sana i-daan nlg over dinner ang reconciliation nila @ shangrila hotel, sagot na ng kaban ng bayan ang bill nila (omzim).

ABOMASNOW’S- ESTE- KEBS’ HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

(EL NINO’S VERSION TRACK 420)

Mainit

ba? Pwes, dcrv daw natin yan according to the appointed son of God! And in this heat index that reached 40°C na mas mataas pa sa scores ko sa exam, what do we need to beat the heat? I believe Pader Kebs got the answers for us!

As many of you know, my dear brothers and sisters, Pader Kebs has gone out to get some milk and has not been seen ever since (maybe babangon siya after the third day?). But as we gather here today, to remember (and judge) Pader Kebs, let us recall that there are documented and submitted claims to Congress against him on his grave offenses against humanity and his threats to his believers (and nonbelievers alike!) to eternal damnation and most especially in his new psychological pyramid that totally isn’t connected to political patronage.

At jan pinatayo ang new covenant between the hierarchy of needs and Kebs. Wanna know why he isn’t bothered by the scorching heat of the sun? Et, throw him all the accusations, scandals, and hatred, wapakels yan sa inyo! All because from

to face the people looking for him, guilty much et? And yet, he couldn’t merely rely on invoking the words of the heavens in vain, insisting that he refuses to surrender because he believes he’s being preserved and cared for by the Almighty.

aircon to tubig to payong to sunscreen, our guy got it all— perfect ang needs niyan te!

May talent talaga si Pader Kebs in using the El Niño to distract us from whatever shenanigans he’s doing right now (nasa underground bunker daw???). Even updating #460 in the Pokedex American Psychologist, Abomasnow’s Hierarchy of Needs, except may twist ang pyramid for today’s bidyow. “OH FATHER, BINUBULLY AKO NG PINAS, IPAPAKULONG RAW AKO?!”, screamed Kebs. And so came the drought that plagues The Philippines (let my -peopleKebs go daw, tapos na Holy Week eh)

In his bunker, he has his air conditioning on full blast, allowing him to chill while hiding. But he cannot hide for long, though (pls paki-remind nga siya)! Kebs cannot actually refuse Senate subpoenas, duh. This ain’t some hide-andseek stuff that he can just play around with as what a Justice said that it is his obligation as a citizen to attend when summoned.

In this hot weather, cold water is a must! He swallows what? His pride, I guess? Because why does he not want

After all, even the most devout might raise an eyebrow at such convenient divine intervention, especially when the Senate is knocking at his bunker!

Anyway, other than that AC, he has people na pinapayungan siya, maybe that’s why ‘di siya mahagilap anywhere because of his protectors. Please, I aspire to be treated like a queen, having people protect my image and name. But, the time will come, when even the most carefully crafted facade can’t shield one from the relentless scrutiny of the public and Senate forever. What do you think?

And alas, we can’t complete the pyramid without sunscreen!

Have you read the headlines of four senators blocking the contempt order of Kebs? Yes, it was Padilala, The Rock, Agri-Queen Synthesize V., and Imimi-Em who objected to the idea of arresting Kebs. Syempre noh, at the top of the pyramid talaga ang people in power right now. That’s the best protection Kebs can get from this heated issue against him!

And adding to this, nagparamdam kanina si Pader Kebs recently. Time out muna raw! ABA! It appears that Pader Kebs believes that he is in a position to bargain, for freedom na di naman sa kanya? His demand of removing the Americans from the equation is enough to show that he knows what he did and would rather hide behind the Senate’s stinky ah clothing than face the consequences. “They gon kill me, bro, but God is still preserving me from being killed by these evil men, all because I bring the truth,” Kebs declares. Mala the passion of Christ ang dramatization ni Pader, sige lang, pagbigyan natin siya (Tuluguh buh?).

Ang kanyang katapat, si The Rock, rebuts with the statement, “Gurl you can’t run from your destiny. HUY!”. On another note, it appears that The Rock and Pader Kebs also had some history, with The Rock once offering to be Pader’s bodyguard (nagmahay na si The Rock, di na daw siya LMAO).

Anyway, if you have any needs to beat the tag-init, plssxzs just contact Pader Kebs.

JUG-JUG

AH-AH, WHERE AH-AH(RE) YOU?

*cue dramatic music*

Longago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everythingchangedwhenthe Fire Nation attacked. Only theAvatar,masterofallfour elements, could stop them, but when the world needed himmost,hevanished.

And that sums up everything about this article but since Areneyans want to know more about the Student Jug-Jug Ah-Ah Court, here we go.

The Student Aw-aw-awooo at Areneyow finds itself in a puzzling paradox as they grapple to find the missing puzzle pieces of the notorious Student JugJug Ah-Ah Court. The mystery surrounding the court’s vanishing act has become a matter of grave concern, rising from the grave a flurry of confusion and exasperation among the student body.

An avalanche of applications flooding in for the positions within the Student Jug-Jug Ah-Ah Court ended up lost in the bureaucratic abyss. As the dust settles, the court remains nonexistent, leaving students to wonder if it ever truly existed or if it was just a strange figment of someone’s overactive imagination.

But fear not, for SOMOHON has an ace up its sleeve—or so we thought. With the second semester coming, behold, the Student Aw-aw-awooo, once as silent as a tomb, now springs to life with the efficiency of stirring out resolutions quickly, transforming procrastination into productivity in the blink of an eye.

Ah, but here’s the twist: the cast of characters behind these lightning-speed resolutions bears an uncanny resemblance to the roster of aspiring SOMOHON leaders during the erections this year. Coincidence? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s just SOMOHON’S way of showcasing

their stellar multitasking abilities.

When confronted with the glaring discrepancy, “The blame is not on us.” They declare as if sparing themselves of any responsibility, leaving students to ponder whether accountability is just another foreign concept in the halls of SOMOHON.

Rumors abound regarding the court’s current status, with whispers circulating that the court was just there as a front to hide the werewolf pack’s political cannibalism (literal or metaphorical, we don’t know and don’t want to know further). Or, this could be a stretch but anything’s a possibility at this point, they have joined the AlDub Nation.

One Facebook user, who could be one of the missing magistrates of the Student JugJug Ah-Ah Court, wrote:

“we hate you Kathryn ������ we hate�� you�� .. sinira�� mo ang aldub ������ na nagpapasaya �� sa akin ihate you���� Kathryn Bernardo ihate you�� talaga dahil �� sayo super ������ longkot ko ngayon kasi mawawala ❌❌�� na ang aldub �� ���� na nagpapakilig saamin���� hindi mo ako masisi �� kong ayaw ko �� sayo kasi si alden�� and maine�� ❤ �� lang gosto ko aldub lang��❤ ��������❌�� ”

In a bizarre turn of events, it appears that the Student Aw-Aw-Awoooo has played a rousing game of hide-and-seek with its creation (oh, kinky!). As the responsible party for the recruitment and appointment of the magistrates, the werewolf pack seems to have abdicated its duty to keep track of their whereabouts and activities.

Ultimately, it’s clear SOMOHON’s leadership is as sturdy as a house of cards in a hurricane. With a Vice President seemingly more adept at disappearing acts than leadership, and a werewolf pack that operates on its unusual timetable, one can’t help but wonder: who’s running the show here? One thing remains certain: SOMOHON, you’ve outdone yourself once again. Bravo! Or should we say, bravo...ish

CROSSWORD

ACROSS

2. Kaluoy sa mga presis, ma-Ofis ng Super Duper Arte man daw kung d magshare sa pubmats? Naa diay na sa handbook???

3. Malakas mambash sa SOMOHON pero events niyo rin naman magulo ang PR. Stop normalizing 1 AM postings and abrupt deadlines, oki?

5. Si “you can’t sit with us” unless gi invite ka namo :o Let us in sad oy, ngano jud diay mo nagtukod ug koral? Naa moy ginatago noh?

6. Illegal breeding ground of polpar babies. Dayon daw mo sa ilang polpar!

DOWN

1. Most exciting round sa Tapaktapakan! Next round kay sunken garden, bring gloves! (kamo na bahala unsa na gloves)

4. Name of Jesuit priest na gidogshow ra sa isa ka candidate sa iyang platform. Matutong magresearch sa background ng pangalan pls.

KuyaNews 2024

~ From Kuya, with Love ~ April 2024 ~

From Kuya, with Love ~ April 2024 ~

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