it’s fine to disagree Conversations about the past often require some degree of negotiation. Many studies highlight the value of collaborating in recall.10 That is, giving everyone a voice rather than letting one narrator dominate; particularly one voice that narrates other people’s memories as well as their own. But what if someone seems to be telling the memory wrong? You’ve probably experienced the frustration of a brother, sister or cousin down the other end of the Christmas table mixing up the details of an event you both experienced. Or worse yet, claiming and recalling a childhood experience that you know happened to you and not to them. With young children still learning to remember, contradicting or ignoring their memory contributions—even if they contain source errors or inaccuracies—can shut the conversation down and discourage joint remembering. But as we get older, we realise that others may have a different perspective on events. We realise that 100 per cent accuracy is not the only or even the most important goal of remembering.11 As adults, disagreements about the past may in fact be a sign of a robust remembering system.12 scaffolding memory as we age Sharing memories may also “scaffold” or support memory as we age. In another study, we first asked older adult couples (aged 60 to 88 years old) to individually remember various events experienced with their spouse over the past five years.13 All had been married for more than 50 years, making them long-term, intimate life and memory partners. One week later, we asked half of the couples to talk in detail with their spouse about their events and half to talk in detail with just the experimenter. Compared with young adults, older adults working alone typically find it difficult to recall autobiographical memories in great detail. But when our older couples remembered with their spouse, their memory stories were more detailed than the stories of couples who remembered alone. Although collaboration did not lead young couples (aged 26 to 42 years old) to remember more, those who reported closer relationships with their spouse tended to recall more details of events shared with that spouse, even when they remembered alone. In other words, at this earlier stage of life, shared experiences and memories might primarily be serving intimacy and identity goals. For older couples who have invested in strong, intimate relationships, they increasingly might need and look for external memory scaffolding as their internal memory abilities decline. These older couples may then start to reap the cognitive benefits of what they sowed with their partner, families and friends in a long life of living and remembering together. If you have no immediate kin close by or close, do not despair. This research shows that it is how we talk about the past with loved ones that counts, not simply the biology of who we talk to. So, this Christmas, come together with your “families”, whoever they are, and share one of the greatest, uniquely human, gifts of all: the gift of memory stories. Amanda Barnier is a professor of cognitive science and Australian Research Council Future Fellow at Macquarie University. Penny Van Bergen is a senior lecturer in Educational Psychology at Macquarie University. This article was originally published in The Conversation. To find this article and more, visit 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 10 SIGNSOFTHETIMES.ORG.AU • DECEMBER 2023 DECEMBER 2023 • SIGNS OF THE TIMES.ORG.AU RODOLFO—PEXELS Preschool children who are exposed to this style of reminiscing also develop stronger comprehension, vocabulary and literacy skills.7 And because we tend to remember and talk about emotionally meaningful events—events that make us happy, sad, scared—elaborative reminiscing helps children understand and learn to navigate difficult emotions and emotional memories.8 These early practices have longterm consequences. Older children whose families narrate and discuss emotion-rich stories around the dinner table report higher levels of self-esteem and show greater resilience when faced with adversity.9 11