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Edition 81.5 – SexualiDit

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Volume 81 Edition 5 Editors: Casey Briggs, Stella Crawford and Holly Ritson. On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union.

EDITORIAL 2 ON THE WEBSITE

CORRESPONDENCE 4

On Dit is produced and printed on the traditional country of the Kaurna people of the Adelaide Plains. We recognise and respect their cultural heritage, beliefs and relationship with the land.

STUDENT NEWS

VOX POP

lifeoncampus.org.au/ondit facebook.com/onditmagazine twitter.com/onditmagazine

WHAT’S ON

Published 14/5/2013.

THAT BURNING SENSATION: SOPHIE BYRNE

NO MORE SILENCE: JESSICA ZIMMERMAN

TOO GAY TO CHRISTIAN?: THOMAS WOODEN

PLASTIC FANTASTIC: TOM MACKAY

COMICS! 6 FROM YOUR REPRESENTATIVES

COLUMNS

MAKING SEXISM SEXY: RACHEL MUNDY

GONZO ON MORALITY: JODIE GUIDOLIN

GASTROPORN: JAMES DUNSMORE

ASEXUAL HEALING: JUSTIN MCARTHUR AND CLARY TERRELL

THE DAILY GRINDR: MAX COOPER

HOW TO BE SEXUALLY APPEALING: BEC SHEEDY

2013, HOW FAR WE’VE COME?: BEN NIELSEN

VICTIMS OF SYPHILIS: MADELEINE KARUTZ

REGINA THE VAGINA: SOPHIE HYLAND

HOW TO BUMP UGLIES WITH NO UGLY BUMPS: ELEANOR LUDINGTON

THE PERKS OF BEING MONOGAMOUS: NICOLA DOWLAND

IT HAPPENED TO A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF MINE: TOBY BARNFIELD

KARMA SUTRA FOR SQUIDS: NOBY LEONG

SUITABLE SEXY SONG SELECTIONS

LET’S GET COCKING: MICHELLE BAGSTER

DIVERSIONS 46 SEX AND THE VILLAGE: TOM SHELDRICK

Cover photo by Sam Young with John Springbett. Back inside cover photo by Leah Beilhart. Thanks to Sarah and the usual suspects for distro, Rhys, Max, Kyle and Toby for proofreading, Daisy for the ‘ranchy’ pictures, Max for the roses, and no thanks to YouTube and everyone who has a party on a deadline weekend.

EDITORIAL

HELLO POSSUMS,

When we put our hands up to edit this magazine, we never thought that we’d one day find ourselves organising an amateur nude photo shoot in a basement. There’s something about holding desk lamps up around a model while a photographer instructs him to ‘look sexy’ that really makes you question your life decisions. But let’s not use this editorial to talk about ourselves. Let’s talk about you, you raunchy devils. Judging from the number of submissions we’ve received this year, sexuality is a hugely important part of students lives. That’s why we’ve decided to devote an entire edition to the topic. Sex and sexuality have as many different meanings as there are human beings on this planet. What matters is trying to be as understanding of all these different experiences, and that involves constantly learning and exploring.

In putting this sexy sexy edition together, we’ve learnt a whole lot of things about sexuality. Possibly more than we ever wanted to know. We learned that: ‘Medcest’ exists (p. 10). That sex ed in the USA includes watching a video of a slow motion erection, and if you type slow motion erection into YouTube... maybe you need to try that one for yourself (p. 33). That people find squid sex really really interesting (p. 42). That Peter Goers reads On Dit (okay, that has nothing to do with sex) (p. 4). That lots of people are kind of crushed to have missed out on the condom on a banana experience at school, including ourselves (p. 9). That our contributors, bless their cotton socks, are having sex (p. 38). That y’all have some odd tastes in music for setting the mood, or just have really erratic sex to inconsistent

time signatures (p. 44). That the university’s inappropriate content filters are not very effective (just, like, all the pages). But all this is only the tip of the diamante studded dildo. Whether it’s a new position in the bedroom tonight, chatting to a friend about their experiences around sexual identity, reading an article on a blog you’ve never read before or trying to find some alternative porn that doesn’t totally degrade women, sexuality is about learning. Be safe and have fun with your own sex education. Sexy, sexy love, Casey, Stella and Holly xxx Some of the stories in this edition are potentially confronting and triggering. Please call 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) if you need support for issues of sexual assault, domestic and family violence at any time.

ON THE WEBSITE

THE INTERNET ISN’T JUST FOR PORN YOU GUYS. YOU CAN ALSO HEAD TO LIFEONCAMPUS. ORG.AU/ONDIT TO CHECK OUT ALL KINDS OF COOL STUFF!

HEARSAY: LAST CHANCE

The deadline for your super creative submissions to Hearsay is May 24. Head to lifeoncampus.org.au/ondit/hearsay for submission forms and details. Happy Writing!

HELLO MISTER!

Hello Mr is a magazine about men who date men that seeks to challenge the neverending clichés of current gay lifestyle magazines. Casey Briggs spoke to Ryan Fitzgibbon, the founder of the magazine.

REVIEW: HEDDA GABLER

This year the State Theatre Company brings to life one of Ibsen’s classic plays. Alison Bell plays the enigmatic Hedda Gabler in this new adaptation by leading Australian playwright Joanna Murray-Smith. Alice Bitmead went along to one of the performances and is dying to let you know what she thought of the show. If you missed the season, we’re sure her words will be just as entertaining!

REVIEW: AWAY

The Theatre Guild’s production of Away runs until May 18. Read Belinda Quick’s review and make sure you check out what your fellow students can do.

REVIEW: TURNER AT THE TATE

The Turner exhibition has been on at the Art Gallery of South Australia since way back in February, and On Dit has finally got around to organising review tickets. Max Cooper went along to check out these masterpieces. See what he thought and head along yourself. But be quick – the exibition closes on May 19.

CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Lawrence Ben,

In my article I criticised the original policy that you pitched to students near the Barr Smith Lawns during last year’s student elections. In that nagging, you only went so far as describing the event as a book ‘swap’. I still vehemently stand by the idea that the book swap you proposed at that time was, and still is an unworkable concept. Thank you for updating me on the status of your labour intensive program, as I can now see you managed to counter the flaws of your scheme somewhat by propping it up with a recognisable marketplace mechanism. No doubt, the limited success enjoyed by what became the second-hand book shop (no longer a socialist happy-go-lucky book swap) was due to that fundamental change. Even so, I have to refer to comments from the SRC president at a Union board meeting in February which expressed that she herself did not expect the event to be profitable and that it would have an insignificant impact on the demand for textbooks campus wide. Hence, the beliefs of mine that you described as contrary to your success were not relevant, as they were in reference to the original proposal. The gains were, however, contrary to the beliefs of your president. Also, you have misled readers in saying that the observations in my article were directed solely at advocates or the original swap. The phrases ‘admirably driven but seemingly clueless’ and ‘self-righteously ignorant’ were directed at leftists as an entire group, not just at you. The ‘scum’ reference was taken from ‘lefty scum’, which I’m sure many of your comrades recognise from the liberal bumper sticker ‘rack of lefty scum’ that many of you underhandedly acquired and no doubt plastered on the back of your MacBooks because you’re ‘sooooo ironic’. #wastingresourceswhen youremeanttobeproenvironment. Adding to this, I believe you have mistaken parts of my article to be a ‘malicious rant’ when in fact they were a much needed conveyance of disillusionment with your council’s governance of University assets. By the way, it’s not slander if it’s true. Regards, Alexander Hyde Adelaide University Liberal Club Vice-President We like getting emails! Email us your thoughts with the subject line ‘Letter to the Editor’ to ondit@adelaide.edu.au and you might be printed on this page in a future edition.

WE’RE SO SORRY

On Dit would like to offer our sincere apologies to Yasmin Martin. The last line of her article ‘Banning The Burqa’ in Edition 81.5 should read ‘They are patronizing, divisive, and, for many Muslim women, just as oppressive as the veils themselves. We’d also like to apologise to Ben Nielsen for incorrectly attributing his article in Edition 81.5 ‘Tunnelling Underground’ to Ben Neilsen Dear On Dit, Bravo Lawrence Ben for his spirited defence of the late lamented Union Hall. At least Adelaide University has one student with a sense of the importance of art, culture and heritage. Peter Goers Evenings presenter, 891 ABC Dear Peter Goers, It’s nice to know you’re reading, but SERIOUSLY. Optical fibres! Long thin pieces of glass that you shine lasers through to send data long distances at the SPEED OF LIGHT. Love, On Dit Dear Shaun Fitzgerald, I’m sorry to hear that some ECMS classes are shitty too. I think you should probably be pretty angry about it. Especially if you think that tutes are a vital part of your course. Not just because I’m a fan of having a rant (I am), but also because when people are angry about the quality of their education, then that quality can be improved. In writing the article about HumSS tute cuts, one of the main points I made was that students can often do something about the way their classes are run. Of course, when the government takes a bunch of money from the Uni’s budget, everyone is going to suffer, and it will take more than a couple of meetings and an article in On Dit to change that. But if we make a point of fighting for our education instead of laughing when others try to do something, we might just get somewhere. Regards, Sam Young

STUDENT NEWS

STILL KEEPING ABREAST

The university has been criticized for the deficiency of private space available to breastfeeding mothers. As detailed in On Dit’s article ‘Keeping Abreast’, the issue of lack of adequate services accessible to breastfeeding mothers has come to a fore. Currently, breastfeeding mothers have access to few services, faced with a lack of the necessary resource of private space for expressing or feeding. This concern was addressed at the university’s most recent Gender Equity Diversity Meeting in a drive for better services for mothers and parents with children. SRC President Catherine Story stated that aiming to create a specific parents room or space for mothers to breastfeed was definitely a priority. Whilst the lack of services currently available is still of concern, she noted that ‘some of the concerns of the article have been addressed – there is a private area in the women’s room now’ but stated ‘I think we’ll be pushing for a lot more’. Story has requested a meeting with Dave Lamb, General Manager of Student Services and Administration, in the hope of addressing the issue further. The Education and Welfare Officers have stated that mothers wishing to breastfeed are able to leave prams in the EWO offices in order to visit the Women’s Room. Dave Lamb did not respond to requests for comment. Heather McNab

SAFE STEPS GETS A SISTER BROTHER PROGRAM

PROTEST EDUCATION CUTS ON MAY 14

Following an article published in Edition 7 of On Dit last year that criticised the Safe Steps program, the University is taking action to address the issues raised.

May 14 is the day on which the 2013/2014 Federal Budget is handed down, so the action will not have any effect on the actual budget. Nonetheless, by drawing attention to the issue on a politically significant day, organisers hope to remind decision makers that ‘education should be a right, not a privilege’.

The end of daylight saving heralds the launch of the University’s Safe Steps program. Volunteers handed out flyers and whistles to students leaving campus in the week following the turning back of clocks, and posters are now spread across campus.

Catherine Story, current President of the SRC and last year’s SRC Women’s Officer, spoke to On Dit last year about the necessity of a wider range of university programs aimed at increasing awareness of the variety of circumstances in which sexual assault occurs. She suggested consent and anti-sexual harassment workshops. Dave Lamb, General Manager of Student Services and Administration, together with Story, is now working to address other aspects of student safety. According to Story, the new campaign focuses on cultural change, echoing the sentiments of the ‘men can stop rape’ and ‘that’s why I took a stand’ campaigns currently circulating on social media. Together with the University, the SRC are also looking at running bystander/violence intervention type workshops in the same way as they currently run self defence workshops. Dave Lamb did not respond to requests for comment. Stella Crawford

By now you should be aware of the $2.3 billion cuts to tertiary education anncounced by the Federal Government. In response to these cuts, students and student organisations have organiseed a walkout on May 14. Students are called on to skip their classes at 12pm and head to the Ligertwood Plaza. A BBQ lunch will be available.

This walkout coincides with the National Tertiary Education Union’s nationwide protest as part of the ‘Uni Cuts, Dumb Cuts’ campaign to lobby the federal government to reverse the funding cuts. The NTEU’s rally will take place at 12pm, also in the Ligertwood Plaza. In terms of further action against the Federal government’s attacks on the tertiary education sector, the SRC are considering organising a Special General Meeting (SGM). All students can attend an SGM and vote on motions to condemn the cuts. For more information, pay attention to the SRC’s Facebook page, and of course, On Dit. Holly Ritson Want to join us reporting the news? Send us an email with the subject line ‘Campus News’ at: ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

COMICS! 50 SHADES OF PLAY – MICHELLE BAGSTER

WILD HORSE! – ROWAN ROFF

STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE COLUMN CATHERINE STORY

Sex means a lot of different things to different people, and many people enjoy sex in different ways. When I refer to sex, I am talking about to what sex means to you, whether this is intercourse, other sexual acts, or simply emotional relationships. Our sexualities are a huge part of who we are as human beings, and they are as diverse as our personalities. As students many of us will be exploring ourselves and our bodies, and be having new sexual experiences in our lives. We all know that sex is amazing but to keep it that way there are a few things to think about when approaching sex. Is this sex making me happy and feel good? The biggest factor in having good sex is communication. A lot of students participate in forms of sex that do not make them feel good and there is absolutely no reason for this to happen. If you are having sex with a partner let them know if you are feeling uncomfortable so you can work with them to find sex that makes you both feel good. If you feel unable to communicate with a sexual partner, you might not be ready for sex or ready for sex with that person. Is this sex making someone else happy and feel good? You should never assume that someone is digging it. Integrate consent into your sex. A ‘yes’ at the start of sex doesn’t mean the person will continue to want to have sex or have sex in that way.

Make asking ‘Does this feel good?’ or ‘How do you like that?’ a normal part of sex. What makes sex bad is a lack of communication. When someone is not given an opportunity to say no ‘bad sex’ can become sexual assault or rape. It is important to always remember that the absence of ‘no’ does not mean yes and assumptions of consent may be someone else’s experience of sexual assault. If you are thinking about having sex with someone when alcohol or drugs are involved, be especially careful. Try asking ‘Would this person be happy with this situation if they were sober?’. Be safe. Sex is amazing, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are not. I don’t want to cause a moral panic here but chlamydia is at EPIDEMIC levels here in South Australia. According to the SA Department of health, in 2010 4,392 people were diagnosed with chlamydia in South Australia, which was a four-fold increase in cases over the past 10 years. And the numbers are growing. It is seriously common and often has no symptoms so to be safe it is important to get an STI check. The University Health Clinic runs checks and so does Clinic 275 on North Terrace. They’re both confidential and free. I also know it’s not fun to talk about but oral sex can spread infection really easily, you can get chlamydia, syphilis and gonorrhoea in your throat, and herpes can be transferred orally. So if you’re having oral sex you need to use condoms or use barrier methods such as dental dams (you can make one by cutting up a condom – google that shit).

I know people think it’s unsexy, but what is unsexy is finding out you have an infection (some STIs can’t be treated) and what is the most unsexy is calling up all your partners and telling them that you have an STI and they have to get checked. Unfun. If you are having the kind of sex where someone could get pregnant it’s both people’s responsibility to prevent pregnancy, not just the one who could get pregnant. Hormonal birth control can fail (rarely, but it can) so it is every person’s responsibility to do their part in being safe. A couple of my friends have told me stories about dudes who couldn’t get ‘it’ up or couldn’t ‘feel properly’ when they wore condoms, neither being an excuse for not being safe. If this sounds like you, this is not a sexual issue, this is a psychological one. It’s unfair to make your partners have kinds of sex with you that they may or may not feel comfortable with because you have issues with condoms. Take responsibility and sort this out with a counsellor before you expose your partners and yourself to unnecessary risk. Try Relationships SA– they specialise in sexual issues. The life advice here is do things that make you feel good and other people feel good, this should apply to most areas of life, but especially to sex. Have fun! Catherine Story SRC President srcpresident@auu.org.au Twitter: @adelaidesrc facebook.com/adelaidesrc

QUIZ YOUR REPS

STATE OF THE UNION

SARAH SWAN, SOCIAL JUSTICE OFFICER

DEANNA TAYLOR

Q: A:

What does social justice mean to you? Social justice activities involve a collective effort to work towards ensuring that everyone has access to the basic rights we are entitled to simply for being human.

Q: A:

How can students get make a difference on campus? There are so many social justice initiatives organised right on campus by the various social justice club and it is so easy for you to get involved! You can join a club on campus by emailing the club. You’ll find all the contact details at www.auclubs.com.au.

Q: A:

Why do we need a Social Justice Officer on the SRC?

To engage students in social justice activities on campus by promoting local volunteer opportunities. Last week, I held a breakfast on campus for students to hear about the work of the various social justice clubs on campus and to find out how they can become involved. It was also a networking opportunity for students. Do you have a burning or itching question for your student representatives? Email ondit@adelaide.edu.au, or post on our Facebook page. If you’ve got a burning or itching sensation anywhere, you should probably see a doctor.

I had two experiences of sex education at school. Three if you count my Year 11 PE teacher encouraging us to stay abstinent until marriage, in a manner quite reminiscent of the ‘don’t have sex or you will get pregnant and die’ scene from Mean Girls. The first time I recall dedicated sex education was in Year 7. It only lasted a couple of lessons, and was taught by a lady who was not actually a teacher at my school, and apparently ‘specialised’ in such matters. Her name was Mrs Safe. All of it was about our ‘changing bodies’ and how that related to where babies come from. My second experience was in Year 10, when we did a unit in Science on the human reproductive system. As it was a science class, the intent was to teach us the stages of development of a foetus, rather than how to prevent the development of a foetus. Being at university has made me realise that my school had a really unhealthy and unhelpful attitude towards sex. It wasn’t really talked about, but when it was discussed, it was referred to as if it was something for the married grown-ups only. We never did the condom-on-the-banana exercise, we never talked about how to

avoid getting an STI, and we never talked about consent. We certainly never talked about what to do if you had an unplanned pregnancy, and we definitely didn’t speak about sexual and identity issues for LGBTIQA people. At university, there’s a much more open dialogue about sex and sexuality. Student organisations offer free condoms and run events like the 2012 Adelaide University SRC’s ‘How to Have Great Sex’ forum. There are student magazines like this one, devoted to all things sex and sexuality-related. There are also university services are at our fingertips to give sexual health advice and help students with identity issues. Try University Health on 8313 5050 or the Counselling Service on 8313 5663 It’s important to remember that these services are available, and that you don’t need to resort to Googling ‘painful testicles’ to work out if you have an STI. And keep an eye out for events that the Union and Adelaide University SRC may run throughout the year that might help you out with anything sex and sexuality-related. See you next issue - in the meantime, stay safe! Deanna Taylor Union President auupresident@auu.org.au Twitter: @auulifeoncampus facebook.com/auulifeoncampus

I NEVER DID THE CONDOM-ONTHE-BANANA EXERCISE

VOX POP

HEALTHY SEX IS GOOD SEX, RIGHT? WE ASKED YOU THESE QUESTIONS AT THE STUDENT HEALTH EXPO. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

What’s your least favourite sexually transmitted infection? What do you think of online elections? Where did your sex education come from? What have you learnt about your health today? Do you thinking watching porn changes young people’s perception of sex? 6. If it’s not on, is it not on?

DEXTER, MEDICINE, 1ST YEAR

1. I don’t know many STIs, but chlamydia sounds pretty bad. Anything that secretes smelly fluid is pretty yuck. 2. I don’t think we should have them – it would flood my Facebook news feed. 3. Experience. And Medcest [Eds. We asked – it’s the phenomenon that describes med students sleeping with other med students] 4. Diet and exercise solve every single thing. So why bother with medicine! 5. I don’t watch porn. Nah, retract that – I don’t want to lie. Porn makes it seem really easy to get some, but it’s not. 6. Oh no, it’s always on.

XANTHE, JAPANESE, HONOURS

1. Pregnancy – what could be worse! It’s like an infection that grows inside you and then bursts out. Like in Alien. 2. I prefer elections on the lawns; it’s in your face. I probably wouldn’t vote online. 3. Can I say porn? I don’t even know. I do remember my brothers explaining virginity to me when I was 3. 4. Lying in the sun is good for relaxing. 5. They can learn some good new positions. 6. Depends if you’re using other contraception and if you know your partner is clean

VIV, LAW/POLITICS, 2ND/3RD/4TH YEAR

1. HIV/AIDS 2. They ‘shit on democracy’. 3. My catholic school tried... but really it was porn. 4. I have textbook perfect blood pressure, and chorizo goes well in pumpkin soup. 5. Definitely. Porn is taking over as sex education 6. Definitely not on.

MICHELLE, DEVELOPMENT STUDIES & ELLIE, LAW/INTERNATIONAL STUDIES, 2ND YEARS

1. M: All of them are bad! 2. E: It would be beneficial for people who live far away from uni. 3. M: School. E: I don’t think I had any at school. 4. M: Haven’t been to the Expo yet, but laughing yoga sounds fun. 5. M: Yes, especially when they’re really young and don’t know much about sex. Porn isn’t necessarily realistic. E: Not really. 6. M: If there’s no condom, don’t do it. Use protection kids!

WILL, ARTS, 2ND/4TH YEAR

1. Stalkers. 2. Our high voter turnout is mostly due to the fact that elections are not online. In online elections, candidates aren’t visible or accountable, so we’d lose a chunk of the democratic process. 3. In year 3 my mum took me to a seminar where we watched the Where Do We Come From video. 4. I haven’t learnt anything yet – I’ve been stuck at the SRC stall. 5. Definitely 6. As a rule, yes, But of course there are some appropriate exceptions.

CALLUM, INTERNATIONAL STUDIES, LAST YEAR

1. I don’t know, I’ve never had one. My friend got scabies from a girl – that was pretty funny. 2. It would be heaps easier. We could vote in our own time. Candidates could get their message across with online videos. 3. School – my teacher once blew up a condom to prove how big it was. 4. I haven’t been to the expo today. 5. Definitely. It creates unrealistic expectations – that you can have sex with whoever, whenever, with no repercussions. 6. That’s a good thing. A pill for guys could work, but that wouldn’t prevent STIs.

MELISSA, SCIENCE, 3RD YEAR

1. HIV/AIDS. 2. They’d be more effective I think, and easier to avoid. 3. Year 10 in high school. But I missed the dildos and bananas class. 4. Felafel burgers are nice, and healthy! 5. I think it can. 6. A re we talking about condoms? Definitely not.

WHAT’S ON. 12

HEARSAY : LAST CHANCE!!

WELCOME,

Here’s where you’ll find information, gossip, shoutouts, news, events, bake sales, pub crawls and anything else you could possibly want to know about your university. Have something to add? Think you know what’s on? Let us know at ondit@adelaide.edu.au

OVERHEARD@ ADELAIDE UNI

‘Why would someone purposely set fire to the uni and endanger the Unibar!?!’ ‘Byron Bay is just another town with the beach, they might as well have Splendour at Glenelg that is just as nice’ ‘I hope I don’t lose heaps of marks for my assignment, or i will be pissed. Since when has any other subject cared about copying?’ [Eds. all subjects care about copying, guys]

IT’S ABOUT TIME In May, History SA is celebrating the history of South Australia with About Time, the SA History festival. Head to abouttime.sa.gov to find out what’s on.

On Dit is still seeking short story submissions of between 1000 and 3000 words from students at the University of Adelaide. Aside from the chance to get your work published in the magazine, there are also some great prizes up for grabs, including SA Writer’s Centre memberships and workshop vouchers, Voiceworks subscriptions and $1250 worth of books from Wakefield Press and Allen&Unwin. Entries will be judged by Adelaide’s own Cath Kenneally, Nicholas Jose and Stephanie Hester. All entries must in some way relate to the theme: ‘Decision.’ How your story relates to the theme is entirely up to you. All submissions should be sent to hearsaymag@ gmail.com with a completed entry form. Deadline for submission is 5pm, Friday May 24 2013.

BBQ WATCH - GET A CHEAP EAT

Education cuts protest: Tuesday May 14, Ligertwood Plaza, 12pm. Plus show your support for increased university funding. Maths Society: Tuesday May 28 between 12-3pm. Members enjoy free sausages/vege patties and cheaper soft drink prices. Get your BBQ in On Dit - email ondit@adelaide.edu.au

ARE YOU READY FOR THE CRAZIEST, MOST COLOURFUL 5KM OF YOUR LIFE?

On Sunday May 19, the Swisse Colour Run will take over Victoria Racecourse. Raise funds or just run for fun, this 5km fun run is suitable for everyone, no matter how fit you are.

#SPOILTLITTLEBRATS

On May 24, the Adelaide University Media Society will run another social media themed pub crawl. This year’s theme is Drinkstagram. Shirts can be bought any weekday leading up to May 24 near Barr Smith lawns for $25.

FRIEND OF THE LIBRARY? Jane Sloane is speaking at Adelaide Uni on May 23, thanks to the Friends of the University of Adelaide Library. Slone has a long history in the fight for women’s and girls’ human rights.

Gold coin admission, with bookings to robina.weir@adelaide.edu.au by May 21.

SEE THE REAL THING

To raise awareness about and fight the good fight against Hep C, Hepatitis Australia are running a film-making competition. You could win $10 000 cash! Visit www.seetherealthing.com. au for more details and T&Cs. Entries close May 31, so get filming!

Turner from the TATE: Don’t leave it too late! The Art Gallery’s big exhibition ends May 19. Make sure you check out this once in a lifetime exhibition before it heads off to the National Gallery in Canberra. The Gallery has its extended opening hours to give you ample opportunities to see these masterpieces.

University Pride?

Cheer on Team Smaug, Adelaide University’s national robotics team, as they continue to compete in the 2013 Autonomous Robotics Competition. Team Smaug owes thanks to the Robotic System Development Association, a club at Adelaide Uni. Oh, and The Hobbit.

University of Adelaide’s eChallenge

DAYS UNTIL: Budget Day!!:

Want to win $10,000 in cash and a trip to Austin, Texas to compete in the Global Venture Labs Investment Competition? Enter your innovative business idea in this year’s eChallenge. For more info go to adelaide.edu.au/ echallenge

Adelaide Uni’s own Q&A to discuss trade and the tricky issues of poverty, development and sustainability. Featuring experts on Fair Trade, sustainability and international trade, it’s on at 5pm, May 15 in Napier Go3. Nibbles and Fairtrade tea and coffee will be available. Brought to you by the Adelaide University Fair Trade Collective. RSVP to fairtradecollective@ auclubs.com.au.

Federal Election:

123

One Direction is in Adelaide:

141

AEROSPACE F U T U R E S CONFERENCE From July 10-12, the conference will feature networking, industry experts, and all the latest developments in the aerospace industry - and all in Adelaide. Applications open now at aerospacefutures.com.au or check out facebook.com/AeroFutures for details. Early bird applications close on May 10, general applications on May 31 .

GET INVOLVED IN YOUR UNI! UNI GAMES! SRC and Union meetings are open for all students SRC meetings are held fortnightly; the next ones are May 17 and 31. Union meetings are held monthly; the next one is May 15.For more information, contact your reps! See p. 8 for details.

Held at the Gold Coast this year, it’ll be twice the regular party. There’ll be 29 sports contested, over 6000 athletes, and all levels of ability. Sept 29 to Oct 4. More details at unione.theblacks. com.au. Get applying!

3 MINUTE THESIS Can you sell your thesis?

PhD and Masters students compete to present their thesis topic in the most engaging way in only three minutes. The Adelaide Uni winner gets a travel grant and the chance to compete in the national final. Registrations are now open. For more info on registering, head to adelaide.edu.au/red/3mt/

KEEP US COMPANY:

Facebook: facebook.com/onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Snail Mail: On Dit, c/o Adelaide University Union, Level 4 Union House, University of Adelaide, 5005 In person: Pop into our office on the west side of the Barr Smith Lawns between 12-3pm, Tuesday - Thursday.

CALENDAR: WEEKS 9 & 10 TUESDIT 14 STUDENT WALKOUT WEDNESDIT 15 TRADE TODAY Q&A THURSDIT 16 FRIDIT 17 SRC MEETING

International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia

SAT’DIT 18/ SUNDIT 19 EUROVISION (UNION CINEMA ON SUNDAY) MONDIT 20 TUESDIT 21 WEDNESDIT 22 THURSDIT 23 JANE SLOANE AT THE BARR SMITH LIBRARY FRIDIT 24 HEARSAY DEADLINE SAT’DIT 25 TOWEL DAY! SUNDIT 26

THAT BURNING FEELING SOPHIE BYRNE’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING A UTI

Your first reaction is probably ‘ew gross’. But don’t think that way! One in four women will experience a urinary tract infection (UTI) in their lives and they need your support and your thoughts and your well wishes, not your squeamishness and horror. A UTI is a bladder infection that starts when bacteria from the outside world enters your urethra and travels to the delicate bladder tissue. It hurts, everybody. It hurts real bad. You feel complete and utter discomfort at every moment. You are consumed by the thought of it. You have to pee, all the time, but you’ll only pee a tiny amount. Then there’s a millisecond of relief from the discomfort until BAM, the stinging and the burning and oh sweet Lord save me from any more of this awful pain! It’s debilitating and inconvenient; you can’t leave your house because what if there aren’t bathrooms everywhere? There rarely are bathrooms everywhere. Basically, it is the worst. So here are some tips for preventing/surviving a UTI from a veteran. Go forth and prosper well, soldier. Mechanical Means of Prevention 1. You have known this since your mama taught you when you were two, but I repeat: Wipe front to back! Keep those bacterias separate! 2. After penetrative sex, urinate. Like, as soon as possible. Urinating will flush away any bad bacteria that might have been moved around during your sexy shenanigans. It helps to remember that if you are comfortable enough to let this person see you naked/put things in you, you should be comfortable enough to say, ‘for the sake of my lady parts, I need to leave for a brief moment’. Then you can return to snuggle and or kick someone out of your bed, having safely taken care of your vagina. 3. If you’re using condoms, use lubricant. I cannot stress to you how important that is. Excess friction can lead to tiny cuts around the vaginal area that are pretty much a shoe-in to a UTI. 4. Some sources say drinking cranberry juice will

help prevent the likelihood of developing a UTI, but it’s not always thought to be true. Personally I enjoy the placebo effect every now and then – if you think it’s working, keep drinking that juice. When All Hope Is Lost and You Have a UTI 1. Go see a doctor right away. Work can wait, uni can wait, cats can wait, friends can wait. You need to do a urine sample and get a prescription for the right antibiotics straight away. 2. While you’re waiting to see the doctor, Ural will be your comforting friend. It’s a sachet of powder you dissolve in water that soothes your symptoms. You won’t have the burning, you won’t get the stinging, and the intense desire to pee all the damn time is lessened. It’s really a beautiful thing. You can buy it from any pharmacy without a prescription; the cranberry one definitely tastes better than the plain stuff (but don’t get any sort of hopes up, it still tastes revolting). 3. Remember that antibiotics work amazingly well on UTIs and you’ll be better by the end of the day. This when you can start to put the whole thing in perspective. You’ll be totally fine – just drink some tea and watch some New Girl and everything will be alright. I hope that for most of you this will be a curious glimpse into what it would be like to be a poor sucker that has to deal with this shit. Unfortunately some women will develop an acute bladder cystitis and the reoccurring nightmare will most likely have to be treated with a long term preventative antibiotic. But treatment is possible, and should be sought. Then you can get on with doing what you do best: being an awesome lady with no distractions from your otherwise awesome lady vagina.

Sophie Byrne would like to send her love to her beautiful cat, who recently passed away. RIP Cleo.

NO MORE SILENCE JESSICA ZIMMERMAN REMINDS US OF THE HARM IN SAYING NOTHING ART: STEPHEN GRACE

‘I realised I was a lesbian when I was around 16... I initially struggled with the concept. In year 12, I came out at school. As a result [I] got bashed, both physically and verbally... and ended up avoiding school as much as possible. I eventually summoned up enough courage to tell my mum. She burst out crying and sent me to a counsellor to help me be ‘normal’. I felt ashamed, and I regretted telling her. Eventually she kicked me out of home, and that’s when my depression took over my life.’ – Elizabeth, aged 18.

substantial and profound negative effects. If you, or someone you know, are suffering from mental health issues, the initial point of call should be a doctor, ideally a non-judgemental, sensitive doctor. This often poses a unique challenge for members of the queer community – I’ve personally been to a number of GPs who assumed that I was straight by asking me if I have a boyfriend. Naturally, I replied that I did not, and that was the end of the conversation. On one occasion, the doctor wrote in my notes that I was single, although I had a girlfriend at the time. Another doctor insisted that my ‘gayness’ was ‘just a phase’, and that I would get over it. Admittedly, these are a few particularly bad encounters, and not all doctors hold the same views. However, the fact remains that it can often be difficult to predict your doctor’s reaction.

Elizabeth is a first year uni student. Along with the inner turmoil of realising she was gay, she suffered both physical and verbal abuse from her peers, and was disowned by her family. The culmination of all these factors triggered her depression. While her case sounds extreme, it is a poignant reminder that mental illnesses, particularly depression, are more prevalent in the queer community. 41 per cent of homosexual/bisexual people aged 16-85 have had a mental disorder in the previous 12 months, compared to 20 per cent of heterosexual people. Of greater concern is the fact that queer individuals are five times more likely to have suicidal plans, and four times more likely to have attempted suicide. The most common mental illnesses experienced by Australians are depression and anxiety. Both of these are treatable conditions, yet 65 per cent of people with mental illness do not receive any treatment. So how can you recognise depression in yourself or others in order to initiate treatment? According to the Black Dog Institute, common signs of depression include: altered sleep patterns (particularly waking up in the middle of the night), a low sense of selfworth, poor concentration, reduced motivation and lack of energy. Looking at this list, it is not difficult to see how depression can exert a negative effect on an individual’s social and academic life, as well as their general wellbeing. Nonetheless, there are many barriers which would prevent someone seeking help. The stigma attached to being diagnosed with a mental illness can have

This is where DocLIST comes in handy. DocLIST is an online database of doctors and mental health professionals who have been recommended by lesbian and bisexual women for their accepting approach and excellent services. Check out the full list at doclist.com.au. It’s never easy being different and there are many reasons why queer individuals are at a higher risk of suffering from mental health issues. We’ve made considerable progress in terms of decreasing discrimination in the last 50 years, but it’s still important that as a society we recognise the potential harm of saying nothing. A question as simple as ‘are you ok?’ may give a voice to someone who is struggling in silence. Jessica Zimmerman is a fourth year medical student and is also the national student representative for the Australian Lesbian Medical Association. To get in touch, email almastudentrep@gmail.com.

TOO GAY TO CHRISTIAN? THOMAS WOODEN SEES NO NEED TO COMPROMISE ART: STEPHEN GRACE

There’s this odd trend I’ve observed in my journey through life as a gay man. It’s not that ironic facial hair is gaining way too much social acceptance, or even that J-Lo should be getting far more artistic respect (amirite?!). It’s that a lot of gay people hate Christianity. There are many reasons why this view is upheld by the people I’ve met, know and call friends. The church, as an institution, hasn’t exactly been kind to gay people. This is putting it politely.

Thankfully, after revealing my sexuality to my friends at church, I was met with acceptance and even support. I’ve also found support from Christian friends outside my church who are willing to accept and try to understand that I am who I am and that God made me this way (cliché alert). I hope that these pockets of liberal-thinking Christians will continue to grow, eventually resulting in the widespread acceptance of the gay community.

We shouldn’t ignore that not all churches subscribe to this broad failure of acceptance of the gay community. There are parts of the church, often in the minority, that are completely accepting, but I’m not here to talk about them. What I wish to speak about is the folly that this view has perpetuated – that you cannot be gay and Christian. Here’s a quick break-down of my life thus far: I’m twenty years old, Christian, and homosexual. I’d say I’m moderately flamboyant, with a weighty appreciation for pop culture that has resulted in a lifestyle revolving around Mean Girls, Easy A and Ru Paul’s Drag Race quotes. Thankfully, though, I like to think that I’m not too gay to function. Throughout my short journey through life, I’ve learned that I cannot let the church tell me that, as a Christian, I cannot be gay. Or rather, that I can be gay but must live without the rights and quality of life that they, as heterosexuals, take for granted. You and I both know that people who think and talk like that are all failing to follow the crux of the Christian faith – to love. Balancing the Christian ideal and a gay lifestyle can be hard. Christianity promotes a moral-driven, sinless life and many of these ideals are pretty good things to live by. One of the biggest issues to reconcile, however, is that of sex. Put simply, the Bible states that a man shouldn’t sleep with another man. Well shit. As much as I don’t throw my cat at everybody (can men even do that?), I find it hard to comprehend a life without sex. I don’t have some deep answer to this problem. It’s something we do, we’ve always done, and that we’re going to continue to do. Having sex with someone of the same gender should in no way prevent you from having your own relationship with God.

If anything, gay Christians have a unique perspective on life by understanding the Christian tradition and its teachings whilst also being part of the gay community and actively supporting the gay rights movement. I have the ability to love, accept, show kindness and follow the positive ideals of the Christian life. No one likes the Christian who leads a risk-averse life and gets preachy about their sheltered choices. I want more than that. I deserve more than that. I want to seek and explore a spiritual life whilst being myself, living life, and loving men. The gay community should not be prevented from exploring their own spirituality in the form of the Christian faith. So I’m telling you don’t let other Christians deter you from exploring spirituality. Spirituality is unique. Letting other people stop you from living your life is something we gays have become pretty excellent at fighting against. Why compromise here? We Christians are here and, sometimes, we’re queer. Thomas ‘Tea Baron’ Wooden takes great satisfaction in the knowledge that should a nuclear winter/English Breakfast shortage occur, he’ll be ready.

PLASTIC FANTASTIC TOM MACKAY THINKS THAT THINGS HAVE JUST GONE TOO FAR

While scrolling over the many generic ‘shared’ images one tries to ignore on Facebook, I couldn’t help but notice one of a designer Chanel condom with a slogan on the package reading ‘Keep it Classy’. Assuming it to be a joke and after suggesting that such a product would be especially classy once having fulfilled its function, I started thinking ‘what if?’ What if such a thing does actually exist?

meanings. In the case of ‘high brow’ fashion labels, connotations of wealthiness, luxuriousness and classiness are generally what marketers develop.

While still dubious about the reality of a genuine Chanel sheath, it turns out that designer condoms are for real. According to Susannah Breslin of the website The Frisky, ‘fashion designers, hip artists, and condom manufacturers have begun offering up a bevy of stylish choices when it comes to rubbers.’

Now, with thanks to this existential whitewashing, there is no need to feel insecure about our personal and human qualities any more. With classy condoms, we can ‘alleviate’ our shared concern for a substantial and meaningful existence and can compensate with all the wonderful connotations promised by a corporate insignia.

This now extends to condoms. Remember, these are sheaths designed to cover genitals during sexual activities to reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancies and sexual transmitted infections. ‘High brow’ indeed. But the consensus is against actually thinking through something like this. Surrendering reality to marketers’ appeals to vanity and gullibility is apparently just easier and sexier. According to the new ‘reality’ offered in exchange, we’re at long last freed from our bedroom neuroses.

Guys, you no longer need to feel naked and vulnerable – once having stripped yourself of your designer threads, slip into a designer rubber and your desired veneer will be protected! Ladies (or guys, or whatever your orientation may happen to be), it doesn’t matter what the guy is actually like as a human being: that rubber says it all – he’s all class! Our commodity-fetishism is finally taking us leaps and bounds across the final frontier, into the brave new post-humanist world. Marketers have so successfully sold us the promise that objects and corporate signs products have virtuous connotations that we’re now literally climaxing on them. I wonder if Marx ever considered that such a literal ‘fetishism of commodities’ would, or at least could ever eventuate? So this is apparently where we’re at culturally. In the consumer’s quest to acquire ‘cultural capital’ – Pierre Bourdieu’s idea that individuals accumulate culturally significant and desirable ideas, skills and objects in order to reflect their status and worthiness – possessing the ‘right’ labels or brands is of paramount importance.

Admittedly, we’re not quite climaxing over the products and brands themselves just yet, but with designer condoms, we’re beginning to bridge that gap. The near future awaits the moment of sexual arousal being inspired by the brand itself– let’s just eagerly await the Chanel and D&G, Nike and Adidas, Subaru and Lexus ‘fleshlights’.

Anything and everything is commodified, and via relentless marketing the labels attached to products are attributed with very specific and contrived

Tom Mackay is a quasi-punkish, PhD studying, pinko, vego, godless hooligan. He blows his money on books, music and beer.

PORN: MAKING SEXISM SEXY Apparently not liking porn these days is shocking. I have some friends who were stunned when I declared my dislike of it. They claimed that enjoying and using porn is ‘normal’ and that I needn’t be ashamed of the practice – that I should ‘own it’ as a symbol of my sexual empowerment. Now don’t get me wrong, I think watching people have sex is a perfectly legitimate way to become aroused. What I don’t find arousing is watching a vagina being used as a masturbatory tool. Porn is about both men and women – but it is men who are at the centre of the industry. Porn is overwhelmingly made for men, by men and it’s everywhere. For most of us porn represents our first sexual experience. I was 16 when I

had my first experience with porn at a party (public porn, Pirates of the Caribbean style because our host thought it would be hilarious). For a long time my behaviour in the bedroom was reflective of what I had seen. Not to say that my boyfriend’s hand was a hook or that he had a crippling fear of crocodiles, but I shaved because my boyfriend thought hair was ‘icky’ and of course, his orgasm was the one that mattered. By celebrating and normalising porn we are keeping sexism sexy. Young women are now taught the importance of being ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’ in ways that make us want to please men. ‘Successful’ women now watch female strippers with men but is equality as striving to be like men and adopting typically masculine qualities really equality? In her book Female Chauvinist Pigs, Ariel Levy asks ‘how have porn stars and strippers come to symbolise sexual liberation when it is their job to fake arousal?’ Many men now base their sexual

WORDS: RACHEL MUNDY ART: DAISY FREEBURN

expectations on pornography, expecting women to have no pubic hair or consent to anal sex despite the fact that there are no female stimulation points in the anus. Porn not only presents women as subordinate to men but more often than not portrays women as enjoying sexual violence. Our supposed ‘sexual freedom’ begins to look a lot like sexual repression with women in porn often portrayed as gagged and displayed only in submissive positions. Now there’s nothing innately wrong with submission but porn works under the assumption that every woman loves to be dominated, which is not reflective of reality. I once had a guy say to me, ‘there’s nothing worse than a sissy woman’ because I wouldn’t let him choke me during sex. Sure, it’s not only the pornography industry that informs these attitudes. Raunch culture is the next step – there sexism is not only sexy, it’s cool.

In 1953 when the first issue of Playboy was released, Hugh Hefner (just like everyone else at the time) had a cause. He declared himself a feminist and vowed to tackle ‘antisexuality’. The reality of the Playboy brand looked far more oppressive though: with women portrayed as sex aids, as objects. When asked why the bunny was chosen as the symbol of this ‘liberation’ Hefner said; ‘The rabbit, the bunny, in America has a sexual meaning, and I chose it because it’s a fresh animal, shy, vivacious, jumping – sexy... you feel like caressing it, playing with it... she [the ideal ‘playmate’] is never sophisticated, a girl you cannot really have. She is a young, healthy, simple girl... we are not interested in the mysterious, difficult woman.’ Thanks Hef. Women to Hefner were entirely separate from men. They were meant to be looked at, played with, owned and controlled. In Hefner’s words, ‘I do not look for equality between man and woman... mentally, I enjoy more being with men. When I want to speak, to think, I stay with men.’ I mean golly, what a stand up guy – so forward thinking. What freaks me out is that it’s not just men now who are wearing brands like Playboy, it’s women too. An interview with Alex Arden, a former Penthouse cover girl, by VH1 reveals that she felt anything but liberated during photo shoots: ‘When you get yourself into the really contortionist position that you’ve got to hold up and your back hurts and you’ve got to suck your stomach in, you’ve got to stick your hips out, you’ve got to arch your back and you’ve got to stick your butt out all at the same and suck in and hold your breath, you don’t feel sexy. You feel pain.’

raunch culture or acting like men is helping us achieve equality. At the same time as the rise of brands like Playboy and Girls Gone Wild, and even shows like Sex and the City, ‘feminism’ has gradually become a taboo word. Fewer and fewer women, especially young girls, are identifying as feminists. A friend of mine once gave a presentation to young women at a high school. She was the second speaker. She told me that the first woman had started her speech by saying that statement women like me hate: ‘I’m not a feminist but ... [insert a bunch of feminist values]’. My friend then took to the stage and began with – and I applaud her – ‘ok ladies, feminist is not a dirty word.’ Personally, I’ve had enough – I’m done with porn. It’s time we celebrated women’s sexuality as actually belonging to women. I don’t want to play the role of busty receptionist – I want to work out what I want from sex and be celebrated for that. I want to see a world where we celebrate the variety of needs people have from sex and where we don’t just reflect what we see on TV. A world where we can celebrate and explore our erotic selves in and outside of the bedroom, because the personal is political and political is very personal.

Liberation indeed. I really hate the idea of telling anyone how to act or be, but I can’t see that supporting porn and

Rachel Mundy is in her fourth but not final year of uni and loves it when pugs wear hats.

THEINCREASING MAGNITUDE OF 20 AND ITS IMPLICATIONS ON OUR MORALITY

GONZO, WORDS: JODIE GUIDOLIN ART: DAISY FREEBURN Imagine this. A young woman, eighteen or nineteen, maybe twenty. She is kneeling on the ground, her hands tied behind her back, her mouth being held open with the vice like grip of one of the six men standing around her.

In gonzo, the women never say ‘no’, they never say ‘that hurts’ or ‘how about we try this instead?’ In gonzo, the men never touch the women other than to hold them down by their breasts or to pull their hair.

Their faces are out of shot, their erections pointed accusingly at her face. One by one they ejaculate onto her: onto her breasts, onto her face, in her mouth, in her hair.

These women sometimes need to be hospitalized after performing in such films as their bodies are pushed to violent limits.

This is called ‘bukkake’ and it happens more often than not as the climax of a particular type of pornography – gonzo.

They never say anything, never express any pleasure or joy, not even when they orgasm. Sometimes the women, who can have any number of penises in their orifices at any one time, can’t hide the looks of pain on their faces.

Gonzo is predominately amateur, which means it is predominately free. Which means it is very accessible to young people. Gonzo features heavily on sites like YouPorn and Pornhub, which work

a bit like YouTube, but, obviously, they feature porn. Also on these websites are thousands of amateur videos that feature pretty much the same thing: the girl gives the guy a blowjob, then the guy inserts himself, has sex with the woman in a number of compromising positions, and finishes by ejaculating into her mouth. All the while, she is the only one expressing any kind of joy, regardless of the fact that she is receiving no attention that acknowledges her need for love or pleasure. These women don’t orgasm. These women rarely receive any kind of intimate touching or oral sex themselves. This, basically, is most of mainstream porn. Now imagine this. A sixteen year old girl and a sixteen year old boy

decide that they want to take the next step. They want to give their virginity to each other. They’ve both had sexual education at school; they think they understand the risks. Use a condom. Be safe. Don’t get pregnant. Neither of them really know what they’re doing, but he’s watched plenty of porn, and she’s watched a bit, so they think they will be fine. Now do you see what is wrong with this picture? The average first viewing age for pornography is eleven in boys, and I’ve read conflicting reports, but it’s between fourteen and sixteen in girls. Not sure when you got your sex ed at school, but ours came in year twelve. That was already way too late for me and most of my friendship group. We thought it was hilarious as we were well underway practicing what our boyfriends had learned from the porn they watched. This isn’t as extreme as it sounds – I wasn’t treated like one of the women I just described. I was, however, as a teenager who didn’t know any better, being taught sexual practices indirectly by these types of videos. The types of videos that are not made to teach young men and women how to enter into safe, loving, and respectful relationships, but to make money.

I was asked to shave my vagina by my 15 year old boyfriend at the age of 13. Since then the dawn of ‘vajazzle’ has arrived. A recent article in the Guardian quotes teachers saying that girls as young as 12 blinging up their vaginas with diamantes, and young boys aren’t immune either. So what has gone wrong? What we’re facing here is a very serious problem that has been able to prey on today’s youth because of, quite simply, a generational gap. Many parents don’t understand the technology being used to view porn, or that porn is now a far cry from the Playboy mags of the 70s. They don’t understand what changing from video to video in seconds teaches young people about instant gratification and a lack of connection to the people they are viewing on screen. Nor do they see how modern porn consumption establishes sex as a voyeuristic activity; that it portrays sex as only being about what you want. That it sets up the kind of mentality that depicts the person that you are interacting with as an object. Though hard to prove, I think that this kind of mentality can lead, and has led, to sexual violence. I think it’s a part of rape culture. I am not suggesting that we need to start censoring pornography. Porn, if consumed correctly, can

enhance sexual experience and help people express their sexual selves in healthy and productive ways. What I am suggesting is that parents start educating themselves about the implications of the type of technology that their children have at their disposal, and start learning what they use that technology for. Parents need to get the hell over themselves and have ‘the talk’ – countries with higher levels of sexual openness with teenagers have lower levels of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Having an open conversation with their young teenager about sex makes most parents squeamish, let alone needing to explain that most women don’t want two penises in their anus at one time. It’s time to bite the bullet. Be the first generation to normalise sexual openness with young people; revolutionise sexual education. The best way to go about this problem, and, in fact, they only way that a fairly neoliberal capitalist society can go about this problem, is by educating ourselves and, in turn, our youth. Jodie Guidolin likes leaning things up against walls. When asked at Foodland if she’d like a receipt, you can always count on her to say yes.

GASTROPORN Food and sex go together like two peas in a podcast. In other words, they really don’t go together at all. For me, the only button being undone when I have eaten is the top one on my jeans to give room for my expanding stomach. And, as I sprawl out on the lounge-room rug groaning about over indulging, I feel way too uncomfortable to even consider the idea of a romp. In an attempt to get their hands on your cash, modern day marketers have intertwined the two but I am just not convinced. Nigella Lawson slowly rotating her wooden spoon with a coy little smile for her viewers at home is designed to sell a product – that is all. Parallels between food and sex? Absolutely – it’s a metaphor enthusiasts dream pairing. A strong intertwined link between the two? I am not so sure. We have linked food and sex by largely relying on relics of the feast fuelled orgies by those (apparently) very hungry and horny ancient Romans. Artworks and stories remain of big feasts/orgies with limbs and platters going every which way in a large scale free for all. Is it, however, sensible to rely on or trust the available evidence as an accurate representation of life during these times? In many ways, these artefacts are perhaps much the same as modern day porn – staged, unrealistic and a dramatisation of what really occurs. I remember having a conversation with a friend once who complained about a guy she had met who had ‘obviously learnt how to have sex

WORDS: JAMES DUNSMORE ART: DAISY FREEBURN

through porn, as it seemed to be all about angles rather than what actually feels good.’ It made me wonder what future generations would think if there was as a similar decimation of knowledge and they were left, in two thousand years time, to piece together our bedroom life through pornography. There would be lots of discussion about the odd relationships we had between doctors and nurses, plumbers and their customers... I think you get my drift. Food and sex are often portrayed as bedfellows in glossy, staged pornographic productions but is it actually common practice in your everyday Australian bedroom? Products like body chocolate and candy underwear are all fun in theory but in reality are sticky, messy and often uncomfortable. It’s like sex on the beach: it looks great in pictures and sounds fun, but just doesn’t work. It’s no surprise that we have such a strong association between food and sex; if modern day marketing has one rule it’s that sex sells. I recently saw an advertisement where a person was eating a chocolate ice cream. She had obviously been asked by the directors to pretend she was in the climax of passion. Being the sucker I am, I was drawn to it and purchased the same ice cream. I was disappointed on leaving the convenience store with a much less arousing experience. For some, food and sex are more directly intertwined. A fetish known as feederism involves a relationship between two consenting adults who gain sexual

gratification from entering into ‘feeder’ and ‘gainer’ roles. The feeder feeds the gainer and the gainer eats to gain as much weight as possible. This very niche fetish is the only area where food and sex are obviously linked. This fetish, however, is a specific attraction belonging to a minority group in society. While I don’t believe that food and sex are that intertwined, more generally there are some similarities. The preparation can be fun and exciting or somewhat tedious, depending on the circumstances and materials at hand. You spend time, energy and resources so are therefore expectant of a good return for your investment. As for the (hopefully) enjoyable main event you get down to your bare and animalistic essentials – no small talk necessary. In one final moment it all comes to a glorious end and then, as quickly as it was there, it’s gone. The feeling dissipates, the plate is left bare and you find yourself critiquing the experience. Whatever your score, you are left to clean up an often sticky mess and occasionally wake up the next morning with regret. Food and sex may be relatable in some ways but as far as the two being enhanced by each other I guess it comes down to the individual – who am I to judge what people do in their own homes? All I know is that the only food that is allowed in my bedroom is when it is breakfast and it comes brought in on a tray with a big mug of coffee.

ASEXUAL HEALING WORDS: CLARY TERRELL AND JUSTIN MCARTHUR

uestion: What have the Doctor, Sherlock Holmes, Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, Voldemort, Sheldon Cooper, Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham and Ryu have in common?

nswer: They’re all asexual.

To be an asexual person, in the most absolute sense of the term, is to be innately without sexual attraction. Asexuality, as a concept, has probably been around for as long as sex, but it seems only recently that the term has entered into the popular lexicon. Indeed, it’s only a recent development that asexuality has been discussed enough to even have common misconceptions. Regardless of their medium, popular fictional works have historically tended to shy away from queerness, and as a result, it is rather positive to have seen more asexual characters come to the fore in recent years.

Yet even today few characters outwardly identify as asexual, and the depictions of (suspected) asexual characters have tended to be rather limited, almost ‘explaining away’ their asexuality. They all appear to be either ‘too dedicated to their art/skill for sex’ (the titular character in Sherlock Holmes and Ryu from Street Fighter), literally alien (the Doctor from Doctor Who) or figuratively alien (Bilbo and Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings, Voldemort from Harry Potter, Hannelore EllicottChatham from Questionable Content and Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory).

‘HIDDEN FROM VIEW’ ‘The dog did nothing in the night-time.’ ‘That was the curious incident.’

The asexual element is sometimes removed in adaptions of these characters because of the foreignness of the concept. Sherlock Holmes, for example, is asexual in the original novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. In these original works, Holmes is only fascinated by his rival, Irene Adler, because she outwits him despite clearly being a woman. In several derivative works, however, their relationship is embellished to create extra tension and appeal to a wider audience – several works show them obviously flirting, a few put them in a relationship, and at least one provides them with a lovechild. Arguably, the 2010 BBC series Sherlock returns the titular character to his asexual origins with the lead actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, stating that

‘mistakes have been made in the past with interpretations of Holmes... The idea of him having feelings – whatever they might be - for a member of the opposite sex is... not necessarily the right thing for the character’. However, creator Steven Moffat intends for the character to be celibate (choosing not to have sex), rather than asexual (feeling no sexual attraction). ‘There would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it’s someone who abstains who’s interesting.’ ‘Doctor, this time, could we lose the bunk beds?’ This also seems to be Moffat’s approach as the current executive producer and head writer for Doctor Who. Moffat has claimed that the Doctor is not asexual, citing that, in the show’s first series (broadcast in 1963) the First Doctor had a granddaughter. Actor Matt Smith, who plays the Eleventh Doctor, suggests that ‘the Doc’s idea of an orgy is playing chess with an ostrich – his brain doesn’t work in that way. He would find it weird and peculiar… he is quite asexual’. The third possibility posited by a number of fans is that both accounts are compatible, and the Doctor is only sexually interested in other Time Lords. This would explain both the existence of his granddaughter and his apparent lack of sexual interest in his companions. This would make his asexuality a result of his extraterrestriality.

THE ASEXUAL EVIL ‘I can touch you now…’

Meanwhile, in the Harry Potter universe, JK Rowling has stated that Voldemort is aromantic (does not feel romantic interest), as his parents were only romantically involved as a result of a love potion. His character is also defined by a narcissistic edge. The combination of these factors has led a number of fans to suggest that it would be impossible for him to be sexually attracted to others, owing to his love and lust exclusively for himself, although this has neither been confirmed nor denied by Rowling. Well-developed though these characters are, it would be easy to take from these representations that asexuality is dark, alien, and altogether a rather good reason to keep a firm distance. Moreover, most of these sample characters are also aromantic (not feeling romantic interest), at least two are erotophobic (literally ‘fear of the erotic’), and all are celibate (don’t have sex) and have no libido (have no sex drive). Though these are traits that are common in asexual people, none are requirements of asexuality – some people that feel no sexual attraction to others can nonetheless feel love, comprehend sex without being confronted by it, and even take pleasure in the physical experience of sexual intimacy. These characters, brilliant and important though they are, are only one subset of a much broader spectrum of asexuality – and one that encompasses many more people.

The main problem with confusing these ideas is that it makes things very difficult for people that are already struggling with selfidentification, not to mention for people struggling to go public with that identity. From a young age, popular fiction tells us that love and sex go together, and that when you’re romantically involved with someone, you sleep with them – that’s how romantic relationships work! To seek love without sex, in a world where sex is a part of love’s definition, is to opt out of the natural order, and thus necessitates explanation to all and sundry – ‘No, I’m not afraid of sex.’ ‘Yes, I still enjoy my life.’ ‘No, it’s not because I’m ashamed of my body.’ ‘Yes, I would like to be with someone in a romantic context.’ ‘No, I am not a virgin.’ ‘Yes, I do like sex.’ ‘No, the fact that I have sex does not negate my identity.’ ‘Yes, I can feel love.’ – where any answer can be the wrong one. Prejudice is such fun.

DON’T BE WHO YOU ARE

‘Honestly, we’ve been operating under the assumption that he has no deal’ Dr Sheldon Cooper, the main character in The Big Bang Theory, is also sometimes written as an

asexual character. In at least one episode, he delights in the idea of a romantic relationship without sexual involvement; this asexual desire seems to result from an underlying erotophobia, which most likely stems from some form of social phobia or more general fear of intimacy. ‘I came to terms with my nutjobbery a long time ago’ Similarly, Hannelore EllicottChatham, from Jeph Jacques’ webcomic Questionable Content, is also asexual as a result of a strong erotophobia, though hers is clearly derived from a high-level mysophobia (‘fear of uncleanness’). In both characters, asexuality is a dysfunction brought on by phobia, and as a result, they are both shown beginning to develop beyond it. Of course, this is natural for their characters, as they are not comfortable with their sexuality – this is not a dig at the authors themselves. Yet asexuality is not a dysfunction, unless it is inappropriate to the individual. ‘Dysfunction’ implies an erratic change from normal function, but there is no one ‘healthy’ approach to sex – just a range of different feelings and behaviours toward it. It is insulting, and damaging to people’s mental health, to imply that one’s sexuality needs to be fixed, or cured, or that they’re just curious, or that they haven’t found the right guy yet. It is impossible to be happy and healthy when you are encouraged to hate, or be disgusted by, an intrinsic part of yourself – whether that is an enjoyment of, resistance to, or lack of sexual attraction.

And if we thought that Jeph Jacques or the writing staff of The Big Bang Theory believed these were the only ways to portray asexuality, this would be a far more vitriolic article.

EACH TO HIS OWN

‘We don’t want any adventures here, thank you!’ Across in Middle Earth, Tolkien’s adventuring, no-nonsense Bagginses, Frodo and Bilbo, exhibit no sexual tendencies whatsoever, and in that sense, remain quite comfortable in themselves (though both are generally characterised by panic in other contexts). Although both meet a great and diverse number of people across their journeys, neither Frodo nor Bilbo is particularly taken by any one of them. Both characters also seem to be aromantic. The closest thing either has to a romantic relationship is probably the deep and abiding platonic kinship between Frodo and Samwise Gamgee, the latter of which leaves his romantic interest behind in order to journey forth, and marries her when he returns. All three of these characters get along perfectly well, thank you very much, and live contented, hairy-footed lives. In fact, this is possibly part of the appeal of these books – unlike everything else, they’re not so caught up in sex. They’re sweet and lovely people, doing badass things, and they don’t need to have rippling pecs in order to do so. Every person is differently sexual; some are very highly sexual, and some are significantly less so. But people are able to work out how those differences can work, in

friendships and in relationships, and move past them, or work with them. As with practically everything else in the universe, openness and conversation – socially, personally, and intrapersonally – is a fundamental need.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE SEXUALITY

Fundamental to open conversation about sexuality is the right to describe one’s own head – the right to self-identify – especially in identifying with ideas that are only just becoming popularly known. Identity is a process, not a state, and is extremely personal. It can take months or years for someone to find a collection of labels that fit them, and then to come to terms with them. And those labels can change over time, and this change doesn’t mean that any previous labels were any less valid. Discussion can be incredibly constructive – when it comes from a place of respect. When it comes from a place of doubt, or fear, it will more often tend to be destructive. So when talking to an asexual friend, or a sexual friend, first and foremost, remember that they’re your friend. And as the great philosopher Wil Wheaton once said, ‘don’t be a dick’.

Clary Terrell is a pink-haired asexual panromantic with a ladyboner for sexuality and gender politics. Justin McArthur is not.

THE DAILY GRINDR

http://www.douchebagsofgrindr.com/

WORDS: MAX COOPER Sometimes, there’s a temptation to simplify things by thinking that people or institutions have ‘moved beyond’ something. Last year, this response emerged in the horror expressed at vandalism in the Rainbow Room in the University. People understood that things ‘like that’ happened, but didn’t want to think of them happening here. People sometimes think of the queer community in a similar way: well, of course those problems happen, but not in this group of open minded folk. This is a tantalising idea, but it’s also incredibly unrealistic. Racism, sexism, biphobia, and the erasure of all sorts of identities are all massive issues within the queer community. I’m not going to try and cover everything. I’m not even going to address every aspect of the issues I touch on. These issues are insanely complex and far reaching. I do want to try and highlight just some of the small, subtle behaviours that can isolate or exclude people from a community that does (and should) pride itself on inclusiveness. I don’t intend to demonise people, but I’m hoping this might encourage someone to think over what they do a little more critically.

GAY-CISM

I’m approximately as pale as a deep-sea fish. I’m not the one who suffers when race is an issue. But even given this, it’s hard to miss a few fairly obvious things. Foremost among them, I’ve noticed how often a ‘preference’ for white guys

will be expressed. I’m going to be talking about it in the context of gay culture, but it’s not a phenomenon unique to it.

comments above would be a ridiculous disservice to people who are so often reduced, in one way or another, to a simple caricature.

This is even worse in the case of something like Grindr or ManHunt, where people are more upfront about what they want. Phrases as blunt as ‘no Asians’, ‘WHITES only’, or as esoteric as ‘no spice or rice’ are distressingly common on profiles like these. It’s bad enough coming across these casually, let alone in the context of someone not wanting you because of the colour of your skin. And these are tamer quotes.

There are a range of queer rights groups that could do something about this. Both the Student Representative Council and the National Union of Students have Queer Officers, and surely groups fighting for queer rights know they need to be aware of racial dynamics in their community. Right?

Then there are the self-proclaimed ‘rice queens’ who are just so keen on Asian men. Of course, I’m not trying to say no one can have a type, but there’s a difference between having a preference and the all too common way such preferences play out by offering racist rejection or fetishising sexual imperialism, based (in both cases, funnily enough) on harmful stereotypes. I’m not even going to compare this to a taste in hair colour or height, because those sort of things fall into a completely different category. While elevating hair colour to a deal breaker is dickish, it’s not the same as doing so with skin colour. A lot of this is the context: race is something with a pretty rough history. It’s also something with a pretty rough present. There is no analogue in the case of hair colour or the like for the judgments and stereotypes that exist in the case of race. People don’t identify – and aren’t identified by others – with hair colour in the same way as race. To compare preferences for height or hair colour with the racist

Unfortunately this isn’t always the case. Last year’s NUS Queer Officer, Shaylee Leach, says that in her experience ‘[Queers of Colour] are still fighting to be seen and heard’ in universities and around Australia. Fortunately, a new program focussing on ‘Inclusive Queer Spaces’ has been launched this year by current Queer Officer Hiba Casablanca, focussing on including and representing marginalised groups in queer spaces.

SMASH THE GAYTRIARCHY

Almost any statement starting with ‘but I’m gay…’ as a defence of how you treat someone is not even close to a real defence. I’ve heard, my friends have heard, really anyone in queer circles long enough has heard this defence in response to a guy kissing a woman or touching her inappropriately. And almost anyone should be able to tell that it is bullshit. Similarly, the idea that not being attracted to women excuses rude, or outright misogynistic treatment of women is also bullshit. As Leach puts it, ‘It’s ok not to be attracted to women, but talking about how women’s junk is disgusting is not.’

Of course, women also face issues in representation in the queer community, from the serious (queer rights groups) to the social (the sausage fest that characterises any given gay bar). I remember thinking, after the first time a friend complained to me about how she wanted to see an ad for marriage equality focussed on women, ‘Well, shit, who doesn’t?’ The problem isn’t necessarily that people don’t want to see it, rather, no one who is addressing these issues is getting much recognition. Even when there isn’t active opposition to something, inertia can still hold it back. As per usual, women need to fight to have their voices heard in queer groups, and need to rely on who they know, while resources are directed towards men. Leach says that though there are still all sorts of networks, with information and support available for women, you ‘have to be in the know, or in with the right groups’.

‘STRAIGHT-ACTING’ GAYS

The idea of a ‘straight’ gay is something that sounds a bit confusing. On one level, it’s emblematic of how closely linked the ideas of masculinity and heterosexuality are. How the guys who aren’t suitably masculine are characterised is pretty varied. Depending on the context, a ‘fairy’ might be ‘just too faggy’ for someone. Some Grindr profiles claim that they want a ‘str8 actin’ guy who is ‘masc and looking for same.’ Then there’s the stuff that I don’t even want to type, even if it were printable.

This idea isn’t new, and has been around under various names for a long time. For a while the same attitude came with the question ‘Are you a butch or a bitch?’ which left no messy ambiguity that people might have to confront. The words have changed, but the basic sentiment is pretty static. You can’t be ‘too gay’ or you’re suddenly not worthwhile. A completely unsurprising feature of these attitudes? If you’re not whatever the approved type is, the problem is your femininity. As a guy reminded me when my interests veered too far from approved topics, ‘if [guys] wanted to fuck women, [they’d] be straight.’ Effemephobia, the fear not of women but of femininity, is a massive problem. It’s quite plainly misogynist, and it’s (quite predictably) often expressed by the same men whose treatment of women is so ridiculously out-of-line. Of course, I’m only leading with how it hurts gay men because I’m most familiar with it. Queer women who do not present in a sufficiently ‘butch’ manner can struggle to have their identities acknowledged, or to avoid being written off as ‘fag hags’. So that’s a bit shit for… everyone, really? There’s also a peculiar double bind placed on trans* people, especially trans* women. Trans* women who present in too feminine a way will be accused of upholding gender roles, while if their presentation is too masculine they will have to deal with people throwing aspersions on their identity and accusing them of ‘mocking real women’. It’s a pattern that tends to pop up a lot in dealing with marginalised groups. There is a right way to exist, and if you don’t conform to it you

had best hope you can deal with the consequences, from the emotionally traumatic to the life-ending. The impacts of how terribly femininity can be handled are pretty far reaching, and even though it’s capital-B Broad as an issue I’m pretty sure it’s something to work on.

NOT GETTING STONEWALLED

Thankfully, these attitudes aren’t universal. There are people who fight long and hard for equal rights and representation, both for and within queer groups. The NUS’s ‘Inclusive Queer Spaces’ program is aimed at trying to ensure students are comfortable and offered safe spaces. The Feast Festival’s 2013 theme of ‘Gender’ is intended to increase inclusivity, and last year’s Festival’s Youth Committee is an example of excellent work by women in the queer community. I don’t want people to read this and feel disheartened or despondent. I opened by bringing up the vandalism of the Rainbow Room last year, and I’d like to close by reminding people of how fast, and how strong, the response from student representatives and the general university community was. In the same way that people demonstrated how strongly the university valued and supported queer students, they can at the very least start to notice and change some of these problematic behaviours.

Max Cooper is almost too gay to function. But that’s only okay when he says it.

ACCORDING TO BEC SHEEDY

2013: HOW FAR 30 WE’VE COME? WORDS: BEN NIELSEN PHOTOGRAPHY: LEAH BEILHART My friend and I were on the bus home from school. In the Friday afternoon peak hour we were lucky to have gotten seats, though they were across the aisle from one another. My friend and I laughed and joked, full of the elation brought by the end of a school week. Halfway through a fit of giggles a middle aged man standing in the aisle turned to me, his brow furrowed. ‘What is wrong with you? Your voice is a bit feminine – are you gay or something?’ I looked back at him. I felt my face flush with heat, but responded without hesitation. ‘Excuse me. Are you sexually harassing me?’ Like vultures to a carcass, the passengers surrounding us began listening intently to the altercation. Their looks radiated curiosity. The accusatory man must have been taken aback by my swift response as

he choked out, ‘No. No.’ Whether it was really his stop, or just an attempt to escape my unexpected defiance, he departed from the bus as soon as it pulled in to the kerb. No one had confronted me about my apparently feminine personal traits or sexuality before, especially not in a public forum. You might expect that to occur in the schoolyard, but not in the big wide world. I seethed for a long time, attempting to make sense of the situation. I rationalised that if the rude man knew that I was gay, then so too would my friends and family. It’s hard to say if I am retrospectively thankful of the stranger’s forceful discrimination, as it really was a major catalyst. A few months later, I came out. It would be idealistic to say that four years later things have changed; that I no longer experience the brunt of society’s brash conservatism. Only a couple of weeks ago though, while at work, a group of workmates were planning a trip to a strip club. ‘Hey. Do you wanna come with us?’ My lack of response must have said it all.

‘What are you – a crazy Christian? Celibate? Do you suck cock?’ Did the question posed by this idiot actually warrant a response? I do not hide who I am, but nor do I parade about with banners. It is exactly this sort of situation that I try to avoid. I shouldn’t have to tolerate the label ‘cock sucker’. I shouldn’t have to avoid wearing scarves, just because I was once called a faggot at the pub. I shouldn’t need to suppress the urge to flirt with someone because I was once threatened by a pack of testosterone-fuelled bystanders. I certainly shouldn’t have to make my voice monotonous, deep, and ‘manly’ just because a stranger on the bus called me feminine. In 2013, why are attitudes still so warped by uninformed views about sexuality and gender? Why are we still debating whether people of the same gender can marry each other? Why does the tendency to discriminate and marginalise minority groups in society – whether by sexuality, gender or race – still exist? One of my gay friends once told me that there couldn’t be anything worse than gay people getting

married. Gay or straight, he just didn’t believe in marriage full stop. He argued that the concept originated from the need to

Equality no longer just means the equal opportunity to participate in the benefits of society, but the removal of all forms of social superiority. There is a greater good to recognising marriage equality than marriage itself.

‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR VOICE IS A BIT FEMININE – ARE YOU GAY OR SOMETHING?’ prevent reproductive competition and to ensure paternity. Instead, he thought that full acceptance and assimilation of LGBTIQ people should be based upon merits of contribution. Contrary to this, it would seem as though the merits of contribution are just not adequate enough – like anyone else, LGBTIQ people make positive contributions to society everywhere, everyday. My belief is that marriage equality would be an important step to conquering discrimination.

Those who defend the sanctity of the moth-eaten institution are reluctant to discuss its actual value and worth. In its traditional and current form it is a failure, maybe because of the low marriage rate or high divorce rate. These days, it is hardly an exclusive and unspoiled religious ordeal. Why then would the institution suffer from an extension to samesex couples? It is seen as another process of decay, but perhaps it would actually be a necessary, reinvigorating act of growth.

Of course marriage equality wouldn’t remove all prejudice, discrimination, or unfair treatment, but this relatively simple act could certainly spark the long term social change that is necessary. Until such times, our nation’s bigwigs publically condone discrimination on the basis of gender and sexuality. LGBTIQ people do not pursue equality to undermine heterosexual or religious traditions. It’s not even really about the big white wedding or being doused in confetti and rice. We want marriage because of the social endorsement that it signifies. It is a recognition of commitment, worth, and social stability. LGBTIQ people are no more or less than heterosexual people. The love of a same-sex couple is no more or less than that of an opposite sex couple. Despite its progressive outlook in other areas, Australia continues to ignore this pressing social injustice. If only the future was now, for surely we will look back with embarrassment and regret. Ben Nielsen is a fourth year music student. He is a burgeoning blogger and regular contributor to various arts publications.

BY MADELEINE KARUTZ

REGINA VAGINA THE

SEX-ED IN AMERICA

WORDS: SOPHIA HYLAND ‘And what’s this part?’ the teacher asked. ‘The Regina,’ little Sophia answered confidently And all of the small girls laughed and laughed. While I thoroughly enjoy one bout of humiliation and the next, this was too much. I had given my anatomy a woman’s name. Regina. It wasn’t even an exotic or a beautiful name; I had simply misheard vagina for the angry bitch in Mean Girls. I didn’t even have a speech impediment. And here I am, spouting out my knowledge for all the girls in my class. Sexual education has been a deeply ingrained – scarred,

embedded, OVERKILLED – part of my childhood. From the ripe age of 9, I had my first sexual education class in Great Falls, Virginia. Now, American sexual education is not normal. Nor is drug education (in which we were shown videos specifically entailing step by step details on how to sniff from paint cans when we were in year 4) or stranger danger education (with McGruff the Crime Dog, a middleaged man in a dog costume, telling me to avoid the weird men in white vans). We were separated by gender into neighbouring classrooms. Our first ever video was about a girl who gets her period with the usual poor acting, 1985-quality ordeal. But that was not the horrifying part of the experience. There was a song about getting

your period. A sing-a-long song. In what universe would there be a song about menstruation that would be good enough to compel me to sing along to it? Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey for a round two collaboration on the fun of monthly blood? I don’t think so. Despite the singing, however, no one seemed perturbed by it. As if this were another Barney & Friends or Wiggles. We followed almost immediately into sexually transmitted diseases. I felt as though we had skipped a part. How did we get here? Does this mean once I get my period, I may or may not transition immediately into the clap? I was petrified. Why even delve into relationships with boys if it meant I would suffer? We would watch videos of people that were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. It was so depressing to watch at 9 or 10

ART: CHLOE MCGREGOR

years old. While I’m a big fan of cutting to the shit, I felt as though it would have been more age appropriate to go a bit slower.

little old of it – I felt as though I had known it all. No experience necessary. Until I accidentally discovered late night porn on HBO.

But none of us were that unaware. There was sex involved. Somewhere. We just didn’t know

I was up late, watching Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, with a friend when we got bored

THINGS WERE BEGINNING TO PIECE TOGETHER: REGINA + SLOMO BATON = PREGNANT what it was or what it looked like. And the babies. I had heard rumours at this point that babies would come out of there, but there was definitely no way that could happen. I mean, that would have to mean the end. How was that physically achievable? Most of us hypothesized that it must have had something to do with the bellybutton, for sure. I mean, what other purpose could it possibly serve? We needed answers. And along came grade 5. Boners. Bouquets of them. At last, I now knew the odd anatomy that men had were not ‘utters’ (which I insisted on calling them). They had a peepee, and, boy, did it grow. We were now all watching an erection… in slow motion. The filmmaker may have been trying to be artistic, but it just made it look more menacing. But things were starting to piece together. Regina + SloMo Baton = Pregnant. Streams of naked bodies were shown to us in all shapes and sizes. At 10 I was already growing a

and started aimlessly surfing TV channels. We think we have happened upon a romantic comedy. The film took place on a property in the countryside with a young man from the big city that has just moved into the area and a woman helping him feel comfortable. The jokes were horrendous. It wasn’t even like a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air funny in which you generally don’t laugh out loud, but you like Will Smith and all the colourful pants so you watch it willingly time and time again. This was painfully, sour candy cringe-worthy... And the romance had hidden… deep, deep in the well of that Montana range. It was just heavy, uncomfortable tension. But, over what? Did one of them know the other in a past life? Was this a sequel? And that’s when the synth kicked in. It was as if elevator music and on-hold-on-the-phone music decided to have a mash-up. You can’t expect all too much of the tunes in porno flicks, but I wanted Barry White. Or Marvin

Gaye. Maybe a little Backstreet Boys to sooth the night. And they just started going at it like feral monkeys. It wasn’t cute or sexually hungry. I think this is where ‘porking it’ would be an appropriate descriptor. I was not having fun. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I felt like I was watching a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episode for the first time. In the midst of the two having sex on top of a miniature shelf, I felt my childhood melting away. I had reached the Britney Spears epiphany: not a girl, not yet a woman. I felt more like I had taken on a female persona of Will Ferrell’s man-child, but my world had changed – and I wasn’t all too sure it was for the better. My sexual education had been wrapped up by cowboy philandering. And the worst part was that my friend loved the whole thing! She felt dangerous and risky, dubbing the film as ‘sexy’. Ryan Gosling with pretty much anyone in any sex scene = sexy. Randoms with fake names – which doesn’t include Freddie Mercury = turd sandwich. When I had found my mother fallen asleep with a mound of sexhelp books in her lap at 13 – with titles like: The Big O or How To Pleasure Each Other When You’re Away - I think I had just about had enough of my education. Although television and Yahoo Answers became my source of information for most things sexual as I got older, my entrance into coitus was unforgettable. My only regret? Not watching The Notebook before synth-city boinking. Sophia Hyland enjoys exploring the depths of Kickstarter projects and Def Jam poetry videos.

HOW TO BUMP UGLIES 36 WORDS: ELEANOR LUDINGTON ART: MADELEINE KARUTZ Sex is great. I think most of us would agree. And it’s not surprising we feel this way given that we talk about and see sex everywhere. Sexy ladies, scantily clad, fill every magazine ever, and hunky men with to-die-for six packs grace our big screens each summer. Looking hot and having the best sex of our lives is something we obsess over. But what about looking after ourselves and keeping our sexual

health in order? Unfortunately this is an area often ignored when discussing sex with peers. But why beat around the bush? In attempting to fill this conversational gap, here’s a short and hopefully informative briefing on what you can do to have good sexual health. When was the last time you sat down with your partner(s) and talked honestly about your sex lives? For many, communication is underdone when it comes to sex. Before anything else, talking

to your partner about past and current sexual experiences is a great first step towards achieving good sexual health. It’s easy to think of sexual health as just an absence of sexually transmitted infections, but sexual health should also embrace the emotional and physical aspects of sex. If you feel unhappy or uncomfortable with your sex life, you don’t have good sexual health. So sit down with your partner and talk about what you want from sex, what you enjoy in sex, what makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in sex, what contraception you want to use, and any STIs you may have previously had or currently have. Get everything out in the open and go from there. Chances are you’ll feel a lot better about your sex life and both enjoy yourselves more! After talking to your partner, you need to decide on which contraception is best for you. Hopefully you all know about condoms and the pill. These are the most commonly used methods of contraception by young people, but they’re still not common enough! Between 2001-2011 the prevalence all STIs increased among young people around Australia. Poor effort, guys.

WITH NO UGLY BUMPS 37

Remember, the pill (and other forms of hormonal contraception) only protect against pregnancy, not STIs. Therefore, always use a condom (or other barrier contraception) as well, unless you’re in a trusting relationship and you’ve both been tested for STIs, in which case you might decide to just use non-barrier protection. Also remember that condoms don’t protect us against all STIs. They only protect against STIs transmitted through

bodily fluids (semen, blood etc.) such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and HIV. This isn’t well known, so it can come as a shock when someone finds out they have human papilloma virus (HPV – the virus responsible for most cases of cervical cancer) but ‘have always used a condom’. Other skin to skin STIs that condoms can’t protect against include oral and genital herpes and syphilis. So if you notice some weird lumps and bumps, or other icky stuff happening down there, don’t assume you’re safe because you used protection, make sure you get checked. What’s that I hear? You’re too embarrassed to get an STI check? Sorry, that’s not an excuse. If you decide you feel comfortable enough to get naked and have sex, you also need to decide that you’re mature enough to see a doctor to talk about your sex life and have a check.

When having an STI check-up, the doctor will ask you questions about how long you’ve been sexually active, how many partners you’ve had (and their genders), whether you use protection or not, what type of sex you engage in (oral, vaginal, anal etc.) and whether you’ve noticed any changes to your genitals (rashes, sores, discharge etc.), or been experiencing any pain during or after sex. Ladies, they might also talk to you about your periods. After this they will probably do a quick examination of your genitals and mouth looking for any signs of an STI. This is the part you’re all dreading, but frankly you shouldn’t be concerned. They really have seen it all before. Finally, they’ll arrange for you to have some blood tests and pee in a cup, and they might also want to take a swab. Simple. So that’s it, a blow-by-blow account of the basics for achieving good sexual health. Make use of these tips and you can feel safe bumping all the uglies you like without fear of any ugly bumps! Eleanor Ludington studies medicine. More than anything she loves her dog, Trixie. She pretends to have ‘runner’ status, and enjoys baking chocolate-chip biscuits in her spare time.

THE PERKS OF BEING MONOGAMOUS WORDS: NICOLA DOWLAND PHOTOGRAPH: TOM WOOLFORD There are many definitions of sexuality. We can talk about sexual orientation or habits, personal tastes, viewing yourself as a sexual and desirable person, or ‘sexual self-esteem’. While we’re all given the equipment and a vague hormone driven user’s manual, building sexual self-esteem takes time and practice. There are two ways to obtain this elusive mentality: brief dalliances with various lovers, providing a sexual smorgasbord of experiences, or serial monogamy, which offers emotional and physical connections. Thankfully, both are now acceptable in this liberated age of sexual curiosity and exploration. I concern myself here with sex, not making love. That’s for hapless romantics on Valentine’s night between 350 thread count sheets. Sex is to be enjoyed whenever the opportunity presents.

This piece recounts the misadventures of my passionate monogamous relationship, which spans seven years, 32 positions, two dress sizes and one diamond ring.

SEX 101

Can we finally disperse the myth that your first time is romantic, that it inspires poems or love songs? For most couples, it’s underwhelming and cumbersome. Ideally, you should move seamlessly from foreplay to sex, but practicality dictates that you stop by the pharmacy first. We all endured physical education in high school, and I’m sure some of us even paid attention, though it’s rather difficult to remember the health and safety procedure when your hormones are racing and you have reduced blood supply to your noggin. Unless they regularly work out to an unorthodox exercise routine, no scrawny teenager has the muscles to hold their legs in the desirable position. Heavy breathing quickly turns to panting from exhaustion. I worry that the mood light from those two candles are falling

on an unflattering angle, as he desperately tries to avoid a premature end to the night’s activities… and fails. It would save a lot of awkward moments if we’d just accepted our ineptitude and enjoyed the learning curve. But thanks to a bit of trial and error we eventually learn each other’s sexual quirks. After a few months I muster enough courage to browse the back section of the lingerie store, where skimpy lace and feather accessories are kept. There is no judgement in this department, only helpful advice from my new ‘breast friend’, the sales assistant. ‘The nurse outfit will flatter your curvy figure’, she comments. I feel a secret thrill as I open the door for him in my new costume and hooker heels, neither of which I get to wear for long. Not every sexual experiment is a success: wearing a corset as a naughty surprise proves uncomfortable, and pool sex works better in theory than practice. Thankfully, there’s always a new sexual frontier to explore with my pants-less co-pilot.

TERMS, TASTES AND TEXTURES

Where sex is concerned, it’s best to learn on your… back. After a few frank post coital conversations with my partner, my vocabulary grows. I no longer giggle immaturely at words like ‘vagina’, but I watch Sex and the City with greater understanding. In naughty daydreams everything smells sweet and feels familiar. In reality it’s necessary to shower before a date: sweat is a mood killer. It’s the sexual equivalent of garlic breath. Deodorant is essential during the summer months. I learn the hard way (pun intended) that one duet shower takes longer than two solos. Blow jobs are an intricate procedure which I eventually master. Orgasms are easy to fake. Thank you, Meg Ryan. I discover the magic of kegel exercises, and my partner notices the difference. Slowly, I incorporate sex into my everyday life. My beauty sleep is no longer interrupted by frustrating dreams, and I’ve never felt healthier… or sexier.

PERKS

I was lucky enough to find a man who loves the person I am underneath, not the facade I show the world. I was borderline anorexic when we first met, under the healthy weight limit. I was ashamed to leave the house if I gained so much as half a kilo. His pet name for me was ‘my little stick insect’, a (not so) subtle hint that I was underweight. With the constant affirmation of a partner who found me attractive, I gained a little more selfconfidence. I began to wear more casual and comfortable clothes to uni, abandoning the fashionista tastes of my mid teens which always made me feel overdressed. I relaxed my makeup routine, because he prefers me o’natural. I have gained two dress sizes since we met, yet I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own body. I practice yoga, go to the gym and share wholesome meals with my partner over candlelit dinners. He still enjoys full lips, luscious lashes and something lacy on special occasions… do Friday nights count?

MY SOAP BOX

In the beginning of a relationship every kiss, every action is passionate and electrically charged. There is a belief in popular culture, as propagated by couples on TV and in movies, that this initial spark dies as the relationship progresses. I’m pleased to say that my personal experience is quite the opposite. We still make out like teenagers in the back row of theatres. He still raises his flagpole for me every morning. Thanks to the Karma Sutra and ever booming porn industry, we will never be bored in the bedroom. In fact, the bond I share with my partner gives me the confidence to explore sexual fantasies and scenarios that I would be loath to confess to a boyfriend of two weeks. As I slowly reach my word limit and prove my argument, I realise that I have finally addressed this awkward topic. Relieved sigh. How have I managed to write this entire piece sober? Because I’m comfortable with my sexuality, thanks to my faithful partner. Eventually through experimentation, whether with multiple subjects or an in depth study, we all gain sexual self-esteem.

IT HAPPENED TO A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF MINE... 40 WORDS: TOBY BARNFIELD A good friend of mine whose name escapes me told me of his obstacles to finding love. Before I go into those, though, I should explain what kind of a guy he is. His brain is exceptional at doing certain things. For instance, he can solve insoluble maths problems, like x⁴ = 13 or e=mc² – without a calculator. He is really good at crosswords and (this may be a better indicator) he doesn’t have a favourite book because he ‘can’t choose’ which of Shakespeare’s plays he likes the most, he says. So he’s okay there. But something he can never manage to do is communicate with girls. The problem isn’t that he has nothing to say, but that his brain doesn’t actually allow him to say anything when a girl is present. At least anything normal.

It’s an interesting thing to observe. He’ll be telling me about matrices or the Andromeda galaxy one moment, and then the next, when a girl approaches, he turns into the Man With No Name, except without a cigarette, a revolver, spurs, or charisma of any kind. This leaves polite, considerate friends like me with a lot of talking to do. Many times I’ve tried to create a situation that forced him to speak with a girl, but the last time I tried, he was asked how he was going, and answered that he was fine; ‘But what is “fine”? What do we mean when we say “fine”?’ And he went on to describe nine interpretations of ‘fine’ in that context. I guess it won’t surprise anyone to know that he has had no girlfriends. But one day, just as I was thinking that he was beyond correction, he came and told me that he’d had a peculiar experience. He was at university. It had been a successful day, so he was feeling good, but also hungry. And, as Snickers reminds us, you’re not

HIS BRAIN DOESN’T ACTUALLY ALLOW HIM TO SAY ANYTHING WHEN A GIRL IS PRESENT

you when you’re hungry. So he went to what was formerly the Mayo and currently Grass Roots ‘Express’ to buy some food. But something was wrong. He froze. What was he doing walking alone into a Grass Roots? Everyone knows they only ever employ girls! He knew he had to escape that place, so he formulated an exit plan. He would simply turn around, go and use a vending machine, and then... Meanwhile, he had walked straight over to the counter and entered the queue (!?). How anyone’s mind could be so contradictory as to send them to their doom while – at the same time – planning their escape from it, is beyond me. I guess my friend’s a complicated guy. Before he knew what was happening, it was his turn to be served. As he walked in bullet time up to the counter, he thought, ‘maybe I’ll be in luck, and a girl won’t serve me’, clearly overlooking the fact that the chance of a girl not serving him was literally zero. A girl served him. He stared at her nervously. What was he to say to this anomaly standing before him? He had to say something. He started very carefully: ‘Hi.’ The girl promptly replied: ‘What would you like?’

41 He frowned. Man, why did she have to ask such a difficult question? Abnormally hard considering he was just there to order food. ‘Sorry,’ he said, hesitantly; ‘what do you mean by that?’ The girl looked at him, slightly unsure. She rephrased: ‘Can I get you anything to eat?’ ‘Oh – right, right. Yes – yes, please’, he stammered. She looked at him expectantly. He wiped some sweat from his forehead. This was worse than defusing the bomb in Counter Strike. He didn’t even feel hungry anymore. ‘I – can I have a...’ he trailed off. Everything was a blur. What was a ham-and-cheese croissant? What was this Martian food? (I think he definitely panicked at this point. Normally he would probably know what a ham-and-cheese croissant is). ‘Can I have one of those? Please?’ She smiled at him. ‘A ham-and-cheese croissant? Of course’, she said. Woah. That was really nice. He couldn’t remember the last time a girl had smiled at him (if ever one had). He thought that was pretty cool. Really cool. He relaxed. He felt good. He felt confident. He was okay. He was a cool guy. She would like him. This was it. She was the one! He would impress her. He would

say something witty, something charming. She would love it. She would laugh. They would definitely have sex! What could he say, though? He could say ‘Thanks babes. What I really wanted, though, was to ask you out to dinner. How does that sound?’ Well that sounded fucking terrible. He would not say that. Okay, how about ‘You know that they say the universe is infinite? Well, you’re just one part of that infinity.’ What? Was that even a compliment? Then the croissant was toasted, and his time was up. He had thought of nothing to say except ‘Thank you’. The girl, still smiling, informed him that the price was five dollars. With a sigh, he took out his wallet, withdrew a five-dollar note, and, as he did, he thought of the perfect thing to say to her. Something witty, clever, funny, charming – the best thing ever said to anyone. He stopped himself from grinning like a psychopath, and looked into her eyes. Time stood still. The universe held its breath. He handed over the money and said:

universe sighed ‘What the fuck did I just listen to...’ My poor friend realised what he had done wrong. He had forgotten: this was not the court of King Richard III. This was not Fair Verona. This wasn’t even Renaissance Writing. This was Grass Roots. ‘Express’. He tells me that the girl’s face twisted into an expression of such unparalleled contempt that her complexion was forever scarred by it. But, really, she was simply a bit confused, not having a perfect knowledge of Iago’s first soliloquy in Shakespeare’s Othello, and politely asked him to repeat himself: ‘Sorry, what was that?’ But my poor old friend was done. He hung his head. He stared at the ground. Dry. Desolate. Sex-less. Just like him. He took the toasted croissant and said ‘Thank you’. Then he turned away, wretched, and said nothing more to anyone that day.

‘Thus do I ever make my fool my purse.’ Silence. The smile on the girl’s face lingered briefly, and then – horribly! – began to fade. Time resumed its passage, and the

Toby Barnfield is vereh vereh witteh.

KARMA SUTRA FOR SQUIDS WORDS: NOBY LEONG ART: JACK LOWE I love squids, octopi, cuttlefish, and any other cephalopod really. I find them extremely fascinating to watch. I think it’s because they can camouflage and change colours, they’re flexible and can fit into jars and also, because they appear to be quite smart. But of all the stuff that I’ve learnt about cephalopods over the years, their Karma Sutra inspired sex acts take the cake. And squids, well their sex life is even more fascinating. It doesn’t involve a penis, nor any penetration, the sperm and egg are not in close proximity during the mating and the sex only ever happens once in their life time. And off the bat, things get a bit S&M... To clarify, squids don’t really have sex, at least not in the traditional sense. Squids are elusive creatures and studying them in-depth is pretty hard. Hell, even seeing certain species is a challenge. The only way that some squid can be studied is by analysing the remains of them that are

found in the stomachs of dead sperm whales. Which, of course, is exactly what some researchers recently did. Somehow, by analysing these half-eaten squid, they were able to discover how squids sex it up. In traditional mammalian sex, the male gets aroused, does the dirty, ejaculates, and wham bam, eventually you get a baby. The sperm flows through the female’s reproductive tract and eventually finds its way to the egg, which it fertilises. Not so in the squid. In fact, contact between sperm and egg occurs way after the actual mating. The male squid lacks a true penis and there is no actual penetration or ejaculation to release sperm. Instead, male squid have spermatophores, which are packets of sperm that they develop over a life time. When the male is mature, the spermatophores have loads of sperm ready for the main event. When a mummy squid and a daddy squid eventually find each other, the mating begins with pecks by the male onto the female. But while in humans or mammals the pecks are light and affectionate, the pecks of squid are vicious and draw blood. The male uses its beak to make deep incisions and gashes over the female’s body. In some species of squid, the incisions are area-specific, in others, it’s all over. Once the incisions are made, the male uses its penis-like appendage to insert

his sperm into the female. Upon a successful deposit of genetic material, he’s done, never to mate again... ever! Yes, for one whole life time, all the male squid does is rip a hole in his female companion and dump his junk. It’s pretty risky business though, as females are pretty large and cannibalism is not uncommon. So at least you give him points for courage. Nevertheless, once the female has the male’s sperm, it’s her turn to put it to use. As the sperm lies external to the female squid’s actual eggs, she must do all the fertilization herself. In a rather inelegant fashion, she grabs her eggs and brushes them over the incisions in her body, making contact between ova and sperm. Nine months later (or however long it takes), you get baby squid.

Now let’s just summarise the squid’s sex life once more: 1. Boy meets Girl. 2. Boys cuts gigantic hole in Girl. 3. Boy deposits sperm into gigantic hole. 4. Girls rubs egg on sperm. 5. The End, never to be repeated again. It’s a confronting and obtuse way to reproduce – but if it works for them, it works for them.

Noby Leong (@nobyleong) is doing his PhD in Chemistry and is happiest when with food. He talks and writes science for a number of places, including othersideofscience.com.

SUITABLE SEXY SONG SELECTIONS ON DIT HAS THE PERFECT PLAYLIST FOR ALL YOUR BEDROOM NEEDS

44 TURN THIS UP TO TURN THEM ON

They say that music says more than words ever will. Well maybe no one’s ever said that, but when your mouth is too busy doing, um, other things, the right song can help move things along just nicely. We asked the On Dit community for some of their favourite mood setting tunes – here’s some of the best recommendations. Apparently some of you are having some really interesting sex. Let your lover know that On Dit provided the playlist – that’ll really heat things up. Anything by Marvin Gaye. Or Barry White. Sexual Healing. We can’t get enough of it, baby. On repeat, for hours and hours. Careless Whispers – George Michael: Late night music experts on Student Radio’s Hit Refresh recommended this one. And they know what they’re talking about. Classic sex. I mean sax. Ex-Boyfriend – Lil Dicky: This is our new favourite. Lines such as ‘she’s my sweetie 3.14’ and ‘he’s hung like Saddam Hussein’ are sure to get your lover in the right frame of mind.

THE MORNING AFTER

This is a playlist that requires perfect tuning, and depends significantly on the morning you’re having and who is in your bedroom. The first part of the playlist needs to allow enough songs for the crumpled sheets/sunlight creeping through the window/afterglow sex. Think acoustic singer/songwriter types (it’s even better if you know the artist – that makes for interesting pillow talk), smooth jazzy jazz or anything else you’d like to listen to while you get nasty before you break fast-y. Essentially this is comprised of elements of your ‘getting it on’ playlist, but more suited to having a hangover. But of course, you’ve got the rest of your day to get on with – your succulents must be watered and you couldn’t possibly miss that brunch date with your great aunt. You’ll need tracks will get your lover out of bed quicker than asking them to help you sort your knitted jumper collection by wool weight. This is where your Westlife/Hilary Duff/The Whitlams discography comes in handy. Goodbye my lover!

MOOD KILLERS

In all honesty, it’s probably worth just deleting these tracks from your computer/record collection/musical repertoire. Their contribution to your musical collection (?) is just not worth the risk of having your moment of climax irrevocable interrupted. Catch My Disease – Ben Lee: Alluding to having any kind of disease in the bedroom isn’t ideal, even if it’s just a bad case of the lovebug. Mind you, if you’re using terms like lovebug, there might be other mood killing issues here. Disney songs, the Captain Planet theme song, 100% hits circa the late 90s: Anything that will remind your partner of their childhood rather than the potential child making act they’re currently engaged in should be avoided. STD Fury – Sex/Ed. Yes, again with the disease thing. And although we’re all about open communication in the bedroom, the lyrics of this song inspire the conversation you should be having well before you start getting hot and sweaty. Take it from these gonorrhealists: ‘Crazy shit be on your labies. Don’t be shy be unabashed. Go ahead and ask, “What’s up with that rash?”’ True, but ew.

THE BREAK UP

If the above playlist works a little too well, it’s possible you’ll end up on your lonesome, at least until you find someone who really appreciates the musical genius of Disney channel stars. We’re sure you’ve all developed your own playlists to accompany your new relationship with your bed/decrease in personal hygiene standards/ diet plan involving eating nothing but ice-cream, but On Dit likes to do what we can to make the world a better place, so refresh your break up playlist with the likes of these. Get out (Leave) – JoJo: Surprise yourself with the fact that you remember all the words to this song. Yes, you’re brilliant, and smart, and have an incredible memory. The Smiths: You’ll need gin, or tea (be responsible), you’ll need videos of Morrissey, you’ll need everything your lover ever gave you, and some matches. Set fire to all the pain. It’ll inspire some incredible poetry, or if you’re lucky, maybe a novella.

LET’S GET COCKING MICHELLE BAGSTER DELVES INTO THE WORLD OF GENITAL DESSERTS PHOTOGRAPH: MICHELLE BAGSTER

Sure, I bet you’re thinking you will never buy one of these. But hear me out. No longer are penis-shaped cakes good only for Hens’ Nights and Circumcision Parties (in the latter, only a small amount of the end of the cake is actually consumed). In fact, these things are fantastic for all occasions with acquaintances, friends and family. My mother tested the mould I bought on acquaintances first; I wasn’t prepared for its arrival in the post. As my dad aptly put it, it ‘came really quickly’. So on Valentine’s Day, a lot of single nurses ate penis cake. We discovered the cake was difficult to remove from the mould. Attach whatever innuendo you want to that fact, but I suggest you grease then flour the pan before pouring in the cake batter. The cake is miles of fun with friends, and I discovered it brings out the fun side to a lot of straight lacedpeople. However, everyone seems to struggle with some kind of inner torment about how quickly they should eat in order to seem ‘not too eager’, but still not ‘like a prude’. Just eat it. We all know you want to.

I also learned that the head and the balls are the most popular bits, so you can slice up any leftover shaft and serve it to guests. It looks like any regular tube-shaped cake. I have yet to try it on family, but I have a Plan. There are a thousand ways to decorate a penis-cake, but my favourite would have to be turning it upside-down and using coloured icing to paint each testicle a different colour and draw a wobbly black line down the middle. Voila! Balloons! If only I was a Masterchef contestant. Makes approximately 1 chocolate penis cake Ingredients: 1 box chocolate cake mix 3 eggs 1 cup water 1/2 cup butter Method: Follow instructions on box of chocolate cake mix. Eat and enjoy! Michelle Bagster is so happy to have received correspondence for one of her articles, she would have plans to write more slightly opinionated pieces. If she had more opinions.

DIVERSIONS

DECIPHER THE MESSAGE!

There once was a lady named Stella Who made her way to ernabella She bought some nice art And then did a fart From such a long way could you smell her

A WORD FIND (IT’S THEMED) S

Q H Y

Q M

D O U

Q O Q

A M M E

O M A

K M V N Q

Q K

X M N

O N D O M N U

N O

O G

V N V

N X

N O

E M Z

M R

G G

M B

V H D

O G D D

D G

U M

O M K

M V

X D

Y D

X D O D N

O M

N K

K O

Q O O

M X

Y M

H G

N G

J S

T R S J

BEAVER

GASTROPORN LOVER

KARMA

STI

BOYFRIEND

SEXUALITY

COCK

PENIS

SUTRA

CHRISTIAN

LESBIAN

COME

PORN

VAJAZZLE

KISSES

GAY

BUM

PUSSY

SEX

CUDDLES

LOVE

CUM

REGINA

SEX

HAPPINESS

SEXY

VAGINA

SCROTUM

SEX

GONZO

SEXISM

SEX

MONOGOMY CONDOM

HOROSCOPES AQUARIUS Salt-N-Pepa’s classic track ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ inspires you to talk about sex, to critical acclaim. Your follow-up novella Don’t Have Sex To Tool, It Has An Inconsistent Time Signature is less successful. PIECES Despite your aquatic associations, you’re stuck in a dry patch – invest in pocket packs of lube (sit down with care when carrying these on you) and see your doctor. ARIES The chick across the room from you right now wants it. Seriously, those are come-hither eyes. Prep your Harry Potter pick up line of choice and Slytherin. TAURUS After two and a half years of ‘The Missionary’ it’s time to spice things up – google the MelonBaller, the Downwards Dog and the Backwards Tree-Hugger. Good safety words include ‘macramé’, ‘Euripides,’ and ‘Oh baby, don’t stop’.

BY CLARE VOYANT GEMINI All those hypothetical scenario games about threesomes are about to come true, only this time replace Ryan Gosling and Quentin Bryce with the guy from Grassroots and a misguided, inebriated grad-student tutor. Sorry.

LIBRA Start boning up on popular contemporary sex jargon – everyone likes a cunning linguist, and think of how impressed your peers will be at upcoming mass debates.

CANCER Your significant other is getting sick of your favourite dirty-talk lines (‘hump me with your megacock’, ‘I want your seed growing inside of me’, etc etc). Avoid reading anything by E. L. James.

SCORPIO After an evening spent watching My Strange Addiction, your selfesteem is at an all-time high. Iron a shirt, trim your unruly pubic region and get out on the town. To increase your chances of success, make like the Exeter and forgot to check IDs.

LEO Whatever you’re doing, my god is it ever working. Keep it up, but remember: endurance isn’t everything and when in doubt, add moisture.

SAGITTARIUS As a gifted poet once said ‘Get on up (get on up) get on up (get on up) LIKE A SEX MACHINE’. Use movement and agility to snag/ startle yourself a mate.

VIRGO After a wave of loneliness, you will call the free Speaking Clock service to whisper sweet nothings into its cold, unresponsive ear. The relationship will progress, but your friends and family will never understand.

CAPRICORN It’s a Friday night. Must Love Dogs is on TV. You’ve got two dozen assignments to complete. Treat yourself to a bit of hand-held relief. Because you’re worth it. Mood music and a rubber glove will add romance and exoticism.

TARGEDAWKU Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid. Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku, hence finding this edition’s Awkword (normal Sudoku rules apply). WHY THE AWKWORD IS AWKWARD: If you’ve got this far, it’s probably not.

I U E

E S

X I

L Y

S U

X L

SEX AND THE VILLAGE TOM SHELDRICK CHANNELS HIS INNER CARRIE BRADSHAW ART: KATIE HAMILTION

I finally broke it off with Ser Big for good last moon. I was sick of men and it seemed that all the good ones lay only with men or are related to me, and I wasn’t going to make that mistake thrice. Ser Big had spread the word that my slippery leather pouch was dirty. This could not have been less true; sure I had herpes and some syphilis but who didn’t? The truth was that he had long been suffering from a rusty sword, and when we were sheathing it in my holster at Ser Allan’s 4 year-old daughter’s wedding, his spear tragically snapped and remained in my chamber for 3 days. Ser Big has not taken well to the life of a eunuch and was acting like it was the first time a snake was castrated in its burrow. I needed to get away and had arranged to have a maidens’ week with Lady Samantha. I first met Lady Samantha when Lord Jarvis married his third wife – or was it his fourth? Lord Jarvis was a drunkard and everyone knew he’d been sleeping with Lady Samantha. He practically sent out a raven to every keep in the tri-banner area every time he drove his limp, alesoaked White-Walker in to her furry cave. Lady Samantha’s gold ran dry when Lord Samantha died some time ago of herpes, gonorrhoea, hepatitis B and an ingrown toenail, so she did what was needed to remain endowed. Lady Samantha had access to Lord Jarvis’ castle on The Fifth Isle, an island filled with only sailors and soon-to-be priests, and that’s exactly where we travelled.

Lady Samantha and I travelled together with our friend Charlotte. Charlotte was not quite one of us. Sure she enjoyed having men stuff bottles in to her cabinet, but she had to love those men. The Gods know Lady Samantha and I would do it for nothing if the wine wasn’t rotten, and Lady Samantha was the only other woman I knew that would make her own wine without a manservant. When we arrived at the castle I was dressed in my cobalt hue Prada tunic, Jimmy Choo sandals, silken Victoria Secret pushup undergarment and every piece of Tiffany gold I own. I was going to get drunk and I was going to look good. Lady Samantha and I were frustrated sexually and we prayed to The Old and New Gods that this sailor town could help us out. Seven sundowns on, Lady Samantha was drowning in sea men, Charlotte had moved to Westeros with a High Priest and I’d only lain with a solitary sailor whose boat was so pathetic that it wouldn’t even be able to cross the Narrow Sea, if you get my drift. The week had flown by and Lady Samantha and I had one night left on The Fifth Isle. She was determined to sail with three men tonight but all I wanted to do was enjoy some Dornish wine. After 15 mugs, I was feeling good. I was feeling exquisite. I was feeling the leg of the cloaked priest next to me. As you know, only eunuch priests are required to wear cloaks so this one was harmless. I invited him back to the castle for some Moon tea and black bread. In a heartbeat, the priest was between my legs, tasting my flower. His tongue was as powerful as the war cry of the Dothraki and he was making me his Khaleesi. My body exploded and I was North of The Wall. I was alone. I was in ecstasy. ‘Khaleesi’, my Khal whispered. Am I dreaming? ‘Carrie’, my priest whispered. I was back to reality. ‘How do you know my name, my priest? Reveal yourself.’ My priest removed his cloak and I was frozen. How could it be? It was Ser Big. He had moved away after his castration to study The Gods and, evidently, the female flower. Maybe I should run away with my priest too. Tom Sheldrick thinks Jon Snow is such a Charlotte.