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uofa student magazine

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- issue 84.3 - sexualidit

explains dit(ing)

Editorial Correspondence Whatâ€™s On President Reports Vox Pop Articles Artist Profile Creative Reviews Diversions

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On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union. We recognise that the Kaurna people are the landowners and custodians of the Adelaide Plains. Ngaldu tampinthi Kaurna miyurna yarta mathanya Wama Tarntanyaku. Editors: Lur Alghurabi, Natalie Carfora, and Celia Clennett Sub-Editors: Karolinka Dawidziak-Pacek, Grace Denney, Brydie Kosmina, and Seamus Mullins Designers: Chelsea Allen, Anna Bailes, Daniel Bonato, and Georgia Diment Front Cover: Cristina Muffatti Front Inside Cover: Dale Huntley Published: 28/03/2016

EDITORIAL

Hey you,

Hi there,

Hello darling,

I write this after a long debate between myself and yours truly about what’s sexier, Rasputin’s mysterious gaze or the way Putin walks into a room. One has the eyes of a cat possessed by Satan and the other is actually Satan. Nevertheless, here I am, staring at their pictures and contemplating what works better for me. And now you’re thinking about it too. You’re welcome.

Ah, sex. Whether you’ve done it a lot, are doing it right now, or haven’t done it at all, this special edition of On Dit is for you.

Let’s be honest, your palms are sweating, you can sense onlookers silently judging you on what you hold in your hands. The Sex Edition is the climax of the year. It is the most read issue, feel free to take this home with you ;)

The beauty of the word ‘sexy’ is that there is no textbook definition. Something can be madly attractive to me, but when you look at it closely it’s actually just a Costcosized jar of Nutella. And that’s beautiful, because it means we get to be beautifully different ourselves. Whether you’re a Russian mystic, a guy called Vladimir, or a piece of chocolate, you keep doing you, because it’s obviously working.

While I hope that this magazine can bring you some joy, I realise that we don’t have the real life application that other media sources do. In this issue, we remind you to get checked out, we talk about the difference between ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ something apparently too complex, and we ponder the wild world of online sex. In Cosmo, they suggest ‘draw[ing] an attention g rabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.’ I know which magazine I’d rather read.

Don’t be ashamed of what you’re reading, it may be about sex, but it will make you laugh, invoke your thoughts and excite your mind. We will be exploring history, culture and education surrounding sexuality. What is virginity? How is Triple J tackling the negative social stigma of sex? Taboo topics are out in the open.

So, in the wise words of Salt and Pepa, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex, baby.

You will learn things that you did and didn’t want to know about coitus, your viginity and as we layout the toys that are for you.

Love,

Winky emoji,

Let this magazine thrill your mind.

Lur

Nat

Seal

CORRESPONDENCE Dear Mr Turnbull, I do not wish for my tax dollars to fund this filthy Uni student smut. Please eliminate all students. − Concerned Taxpayer My favourite thing about the Adelaide Uni vs Melbourne Uni football game was being surrounded by the Adelaide University “elite”. Bebz on my left, Renjie on my right. The second best thing was winning by almost a hundred points. − #blessed

I just saw someone holding an @OnDitMagazine with the back cover up and was freaked out like why would you have a copy of my artwork. − @aetherxo, Twitter Wow. you are all correct about @OnDitMagazine - totally biased and disgusting reporting. − @realDonaldTrump, Twitter

WHAT’S ON

SA Challenge 1st and 8th April Various Locations inter-varsity sport between UniSA, Flinders and UofA students

DO YOU LIKE STUPOL?

HUNGRY? BROKE?

AUU Board Meeting 13th April 5:30pm AUU Board Room

Breakfast Club Every Tuesday and Thursday 8:30am - 10am Fix Lounge

Student Protest Against Education Cuts Wednesday 6th April 3pm Rundle Mall (King William end)

Union Member’s Lunch Wednesday 6th April 11:30am - 1:30pm $5 for Non-Members

DO YOU LIKE US? Flinders Street Market 16th and 17th April 10am - 3pm 230 Flinders Street Holi Battle 2016 2nd April 6pm Ellis Park $5 for Members $10 for Non-Members

Issue 4 submission deadline Friday 8th April FILM CLUB Every Thursday night 7pm in Union Cinema $3 for Non-Members

Fork on the Road: The Fork Awakens Friday 1st April 5 - 10pm Light Square Nutella-palooza Saturday 9th April 11am - 5:00pm Bonython Park

ARE YOU A BIT OF A KNOW IT ALL? DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S ON BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE? KEEP US IN THE LOOP, EMAIL US AT ONDIT@ADEL AIDE.EDU.AU AND TELL US ABOUT THE NEXT BAKE SALE, MEETING, PRIVATE LECTURE OR CLUB EVENT.

GOT CULTURE?

WHAT ELSE IS ON?

ARTS

Ni Hao Unley 1st April 3:30 - 8pm Oxford Trrace, Unley Immerse yourself in Chinese culture including traditional knotting and calligraphy workshops, Tai Chi demonstrations, lion dancing, delicious traditional food and more.

Groovin’ the Moo 25th April Oakbank Racecourse See www.gtm.net.au for line up and tickets

Pop Up Art Market 1st - 2nd April 9 Light Square Local food, art, live music and more

Secret Garden Party Friday 1st April 5:30 - 9pm Carclew, 11 Jeffcott Street, North Adelaide

2016 Adelaide Biennial of Australian Art: Magic Object 27th February - 15th May Free admission AGSA, Samstag, AEAF, Tandanya, Carrick Hill, and more!

Oz Comic Con 9th - 10th April 9am - 5pm Adelaide Showgrounds

Cheap Films @ Mercury Cinema 20th April: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory $10 + sausage sizzle Got children? They get in free!

Good Earth Market 2nd - 3rd April 10am - 4pm 230 Flinders Street Eco fashion, homewares and lifestyle market

SAY HELLO! Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au Facebook: @onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag In Person: George Murray basement, down the creepy stairs near the Barr Smith Lawns

STATE OF THE UNION

There is a general assumption that university culture revolves around sex and alcohol. Regardless of whether that’s true, it is certain that people are more sexually active between the ages 18-24. With this increased sexual activity comes an increased vulnerability towards sexual assault and harassment. On the 7th of March, I joined the screening of the Hunting Ground, the start of our University’s ‘Respect. Now. Always.’ campaign. The film was about sexual assault and harassment happening at universities in the US; and not at the only lower- to mid-level universities, but even at the most prestigious universities such as Harvard, Yale and Stanford. As you can see by the many posters around our campuses, the University of Adelaide holds this issue in the highest importance; we are dedicated to eliminating this and all related matters at our University. I noticed that less male students were present at the screening. This highlighted to me that an area to improve on is male awareness of sexual assault and harassment, and participation in its elimination.

I think the film provided two reasons for harassment: a large portion of students living in residential colleges, and the traditional American culture of varsity sports competition in which athletes are protected because of their value to the university. Our university does have affiliated residential colleges; however, our student population is more focused on academics. The University of Adelaide has a very good reputation for safety on campus and the wider city of Adelaide is found to be one of the safest places to live in the world. However, like all universities, we have responsibility to our students. With many rural and international students living in affiliated residential colleges, the safety, protection and wellbeing of these students is a priority. Of course the question of how to protect students without intervening in their freedom is a complicated issue. Another problem I have noticed is the lack of sex education and sexual health education for new international students who have only recently arrived in Australia. Having grown up in an Asian culture, I understand that it is sometimes more

difficult for international students to openly communicate or report such problems to services at the University and Union. I think that there is little education given to them about contraeption, abortion and sexual health issues. Sexual assault and sexual harassment are not laughing matters. It may be difficult to come out and seek help if you have experienced sexual assault or harassment, but please remember that as a student, you have the University and Union’s complete support. If you or your friends do experience sexual assault or sexual harassment, the Union’s Student Care is an independent student advocacy organisation that will stand up for your welfare. Please do not hesitate to contact them between 9am and 5pm, Mon to Fri, either in person (ground floor, Lady Symon Building) or by phoning (08) 8313 5430. It’s a difficult issue for some people to deal with,, but by working together we can eliminate this problem from our campuses when it arises now, and in the future. Renjie Du auupresident@auu.org.au

SRC PRESIDENT

At school you’re put in a dorky uniform and made to follow rules that don’t seem to make sense, all to get ready for the workplace, where you’re put in a dorky uniform and made to follow rules that don’t seem to make sense. The smile you have to make to customers, the way you style your hair and when you can take bathroom breaks are all up for scrutiny. University is freer, but decisions about curriculum, about whether your course will be cut, about how you’ll be assessed are all in the hands of university management and outside the hands of students. Students should be engaging with each other on the common basis of their learning and study, but each semester they end up competing against each other as atomised individuals for the best marks in final exams. So what about sex? It’s offered to us as a heart in a heartless world. While the rest of the world cuts us off from our humanity, through our sexuality we get in touch with it. We encounter other people not through the economic relations

of the rest of society but through passion, pleasure, love, intimacy and care. It’s where we can explore who we are and what we like. Or that’s how it is meant to be. In a world so thoroughly screwed up, however, sex gets screwed up too. Sexuality becomes an area of social angst. The pressure to have the right kinds of bodies, desires, partners and sex becomes a major stress and torrents of columns offer advice that only increases the stress. An area of pleasure can become the most powerful area for abuse, violence and oppression. Part of this is an intentional strategy of social control. If there was a sphere of our lives that was totally free and pleasurable why would we accept being bossed about by managers in the workplace? The bigots in society know this. They’re currently whipping up a moral panic around the Safe Schools program because they want LGBTI people to feel unconfident about their sexualities. This keeps people unconfident to stand up for their rights more generally. We can see the screwed up ness of

sex most thoroughly in the most thoroughly screwed up institutions. In the Australian government’s detention camps, refugees are totally denied liberty. Their lives are in the hands of guards who are trained to see them as objects in need of control. Everything is surrounded in a shroud of secrecy. It is unfortunately not surprising that in this most depraved of situations sexual abuse is rampant. As long as oppression exists, sexuality can never be free. That is why it was so inspiring to see the No Pride In Detention float marching at this year’s Sydney Mardi Gras, connecting LGBTI and refugee rights together, and so appalling to see the Mardi Gras organisers harassing and pushing back the float as a result of Labor party demands. It is important that we link in our fights against all forms injustice, because ultimately the fight for full sexual liberation is tied up with the fight for the total liberation of humanity. Tom Gilchrist srcpresident@auu.org.au

VOX POP

ANTHONY

CARINA

ADELE

2ND YR, TEACHING/ARTS

3RD YR, MEDIA/ARTS

3RD YEAR, TEACHING/ARTS

1. Oh god. Rubber. 2. It’s easy I suppose. 3. Going on a blind date and finding out they’re not what you thought they were. 4. Dressing up like an old woman. 5. Audrey Hepburn.

1. Oh god, sheepskin with a tree trunk maybe? 2. Getting to pick and select. 3. Probably just a car making out session or something. 4. Clown costume. 5. Ryan Gosling. Always Ryan Gosling.

1. Polished wood. 2. You can drop it at any time because you don’t actually know them. 3. It was New Years Day and I was 17 and this guy invited me over to watch a documentary. It turned out it was a documentary about drugs, but then while his friend was still in the room he started to lick my cheek and like kissed me and I pushed him away and he was like ‘I thought you were cool.’ 4. Anything that involves animals. Like furries, that freaks me out. 5. Does Pirates of the Carribean count? Because Pirates of the Carribean.

1. WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE THE FIRST DILDO WAS MADE OF? 2. WHAT’S THE BEST THING ABOUT ONLINE DATING? 3. WHAT’S YOUR MOST AW KWARD DATING/SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? 4. WHAT’S THE LE AST SEXY DRESS UP YOU CAN IMAGINE? 5. WHO’S THE SEXIEST HISTORICAL FIGURE?

RACHEL

RAMY

GIO

2ND YR, ARTS

3RD YR, HEALTH SCIENCE

1ST YR, HEALTH SCIENCE

1. Wood? But polished down obviously, because that would be terrible for splinters.

1. I suppose marble, or another manipulative mineral, I’ve been to a couple of museums and seen weird exhibits.

1. I’d like to think rubber, but it was probably wood.

2. More variety of people, people online are more willing to talk about things. 3. The first time people meet my family. It’s very awkward because there’s a lot of us. My brother’s aren’t the most subtle and bring up terrible things you don’t want to talk about. 4. Anything that’s taking the mick out of others, like dressing up as another race. 5. There’s a few good looking poets that you look at like ‘you’re a bit dead, but you write such good poetry.’ Wordsworth wasn’t too bad.

2. It’s similar to a supermarket, such a variety of characters. 3. This one time a girl was kissing me, she was stunning and all, but pretty full on with the teeth, I didn’t like being chewed. 4. Fluoro work out gear. Like 80s Olivia Newton John. 5. Pocahontas, pretty sure she’s real.

2. Easy access to more people. 3. Look, I was 14 and I came all over my girlfriend’s jumper. 4. A mascot costume, that would turn me right off. 5. Albert Einstein.

VIRGINITY THROUGH THE AGES WORDS BY: DANNY WARDLE ART WORK BY: R ACHEL WONG

The concept, definition and importance placed on virginity has changed significantly throughout time. It’s worth noting that virginity is an idea, rather than something that can be biologically tested or holding medical importance. Whether or not a hymen is intact or has been torn doesn’t actually prove whether someone is a virgin, in fact one’s hymen can be stretched or torn through normal exercise or even birth. It’s even possible for some to keep their hymen completely intact after losing their virginity. As for those of you equipped with a penis, you don’t even have a popular myth about how to check for your virginity or lack thereof. Basically, virginity is a social construct. In prehistoric times, the idea of virginity didn’t really exist. Although many prehistoric societies were different, many placed little or no importance on one’s ‘first time’ and saw sexual intercouse as something pleasurable that could

lead to reproduction in the case of hetereosexual sex. In these times, virginity in the sense of one’s first time meant nothing, sex was simply seen as an enjoyable act and a means of having children for some. It’s generally believed that the concept of virginity only started to take off around the classical era. In Ancient Greece, preserving one’s virginity meant not having any children or becoming pregnant before marriage. You could get away with a few flings here and there, even fall pregnant as long as you were able to deal with hiding the child or getting an abortion with all the possible trauma that would entail. If you were from a wealthy family and your child was male you could also simply declare them as a virgin birth, although this was mostly used symbolically on children that were meant to be destined for greatness and most didn’t actually buy the fact that some wealthy women just tend to pop out a Jesus

or two. Virginity in these times was important because it allowed for a ‘pure’ line of descendants to inherit land, wealth and political power. The importance of virginity essentially came out of the birth of the classical family unit. That said, the concept and importance of virginity during antiquity was just as debated as it is today. The term ‘parthenos’ or ‘virgin’, also sometimes referred to women who rejected traditional gender roles and acted independently of their father or husband, so I suppose if you’re an anti-sexist woman you’re technically a virgin anyway by some classical standards. Moving into feudalism, the definition of virginity started to become about the act of sex itself, rather than pregnancy or childbirth. Women were expected to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage, where they would ‘lose’ their virginity in the consummation of their marriage. In the many

cases where women were forced into marriage, this meant the societally expected and often approved act of marital rape. Virginity was often treated as a moral and religious issue, but it’s importance was also economic. Women’s virginities, and indeed their bodies, became commodities, where the right to have sex with a virgin woman could be bought from their father. Some reports suggest that lords in the late middle ages would rape women as a display of superiority over peasants and to humiliate male relatives. Yeah, that’s pretty messed up. And today? The concept of virginity is being challenged by people all over the world. After all, it’s pretty sexist to consider a woman’s worth based on whether or not she’s had sex before. In fact, it’s not even anyone’s business other than hers and whoever she’s had sex with. Men aren’t forced to experience the same judgement for ‘losing’ their virginity, something that is referred

to as if it’s some kind of valuable item you’re not supposed to lose in the ‘wrong’ way. You might’ve noticed the idea of virginity applies pretty much exclusively to those engaged in intercourse with someone of the opposite sex and usually the old penis-in-vagina variety. That’s because the concept of virginity tends to exclude LGBTI experiences, reinforce the notion that straight vaginal sex is the norm and suggest that anything different either doesn’t ‘count’ or is abnormal. This only really leaves two directions for the idea of virginity, either change to become more inclusive and less sexist or stop being culturally relevant. I’d prefer the latter, what any consenting adults choose to or not to do in the privacy of their bedroom shouldn’t be anyone else’s business.

Danny is a revolutionary socialist who hates irony, but it’s the only form of humour he’s good at.

I HAD AN STD ONCE AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE WORDS BY: JUSTIN-FREE M C CULLOCH ART WORK BY: JACK LOWE At the start of last year I wasn’t in the best mental space and for a while I was thinking more with my genitals than I was with my head. Granted, I was playing it safe, by getting tested regularly, but once told I was clean I’d return to my promiscuous ways. Eventually, something was going to happen and then I was told that I had chlamydia. Telling people that you’ve slept with (and may not be on good terms with) that you have a Sexually Transmitted Infection or Disease, and that you may have given it to them isn’t an easy thing to do. Thankfully, I only had three partners since my last clean test. That aside, chlamydia is a hell of a lot worse in females than it is in males, so it didn’t make things easier with the fallout. The first girl I told was a girl was a girl that I dated for a couple of months, and it ended pretty sourly. She yelled at me and cried. In retrospect, I could have handled it a lot better. The second girl was a friend I had a long time crush on and hooked up with after a night fuelled on goon and B-grade movies. While

we hadn’t spoken since we hooked up, telling her was awkward enough. Having sex with friends never really ends well. The final girl was one I was on and off with for a bit, and she took it pretty well. Her reaction was ‘I’m glad you told me straight away, now let’s deal with this together’ and we did. I think maybe because of that support I found dealing with having an STD a lot better than I could have. There are a bunch of things I’ve taken into account since having that experience, so here are a few tips on how to avoid getting one and how to deal with it if you find yourself with an STD: ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM It doesn’t matter if you know the girl is clean and she’s on birth control, people can lie about those sorts of things and really, a tiny loss of feeling in your junk is definitely worth the health benefits (plus condoms are cheap as, and you can sometimes get them for free from ShineSA and around uni!).

GET TESTED REGULARLY Seriously, after every partner if you can. You don’t know what you can get from anyone and even condoms aren’t 100%. Clinic 275 at 275 North Terrace and Shine SA (at Woodville, Daveron Park, Gilles Plains, and Noarlunga) all do free and confidential testing and it’s as easy as peeing in a cup. If you do have something they offer free treatment for bacterial infections. IF YOU CONTRACT AN STD FUCKING TELL YOUR PREVIOUS SEXUAL PARTNERS This is common sense. In the same vein that you’d want someone to tell you if there was free food in the Hub (which is good for morale and broke ass students), you should tell your partners what you have and offer help to deal with it (which is good for not being a piece of shit and good for their health).

REMEMBER THAT IT’S NOT THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU Bacterial STDs (such as gonorrhoea, chlamydia, and syphilis) are curable and preventable. Viral infections (such as HIV, Herpes, and HPV) can be prevented by vaccines, but are usually lifelong infections and need constant treatment. Granted, for things like chlamydia, the impact for females can be a lot worse if left untreated (e.g. inflammation of the reproductive system and liver, infertility, and miscarriage), so that’s best dealt with ASAP. Sex and relationships can be messy enough without having to factor in potentially life threatening ailments too. Hopefully I’ve helped at least one person with how to avoid getting something nasty and how to cope if they find out that they do.

Justin is a Teaching and Arts student who’s finally starting to learn from his mistakes.

LEAVE THE PERIOD AT HOME WORDS BY: CL AIRE HALE ART WORK BY: EMILY HART

A UK company has recently announced that they will introduce paid ‘Period Leave’ for female employees. Most opinion pieces have discussed the gender equality factor of this policy, focusing on equal opportunity for women. However, there is one factor that has been overlooked thus far, and that is how can this policy be implemented properly and efficiently for all workers. This policy is a godsend for people whom suffer when shark week comes around. Endometriosis is the most common period related disease, with 1 in 10 women world wide suffering*. Endo is a chronic illness where the uterine muscle grows in areas where it shouldn’t be. It causes debilitating pain comparable to giving birth, heavier periods and nausea. Unfortunately, Endo is a disease that is often unrecognised in the medical industry. Many sufferers are misdiagnosed as having digestive problems, or just ‘bad period pain’. In fact, there is an average of 7-10 years of diagnosis delay due to the normalising of the symptoms*.

On average, the cost of lost work productivity for an Endo sufferer is approximately AU$7950.28*. This is a staggering statistic, and hopefully this policy can decrease this amount of time. However, there is one flaw with this policy as it stands. It works well in a corporate environment, where workers can take Time in Lieu, or use technology to work from home. Workers in industries where there is a prominence of manual labour (think fast food workers, factory workers, and tradies), have more of an issue with this policy. In these industries, the work cannot be taken home, or done when the worker is better; it has to be done at that time. So the question is: what can we do for these workers? The answer is not so simple. The issue is that the workers need to be directly replaced, and this is difficult when Niagara Falls comes at inconsistent times (such as for sufferers of Endo). One can try and get another worker to cover for them, but this can be difficult at times (especially if the worker

affected does shift work or specially trained shifts). Hopefully technology in the future can accurately, or better, predict when the parting of the Red Sea will happen. We also need to look at the factor that there are other diseases that could warrant similar time off. Unfortunately, many workers do not disclose information about their illnesses, in fear that it will cause redundancy or a reduction in hours. Hopefully this policy will be a trailblazer that allows more people who suffer from fluctuating diseases to seek regular employment and also ensure that they can allow for recovery time. *** *All statistics have been retrieved from Endometriosis Australia. In fact, it is EndoMarch, the awareness month for the disease.

Claire is a Law/International Studies student that in her limited spare time likes to read ridiculous arguments made on Facebook news stories.

WHY WAIT? WORDS AND ART WORK BY: CARINA STATHIS

To state the obvious, sex is the most intimate and physical aspect of any relationship. It’s something people do to have fun, to express love and to get baby making. Though it may sound rather simple, there are an array of issues and topics surrounding sex that make it far more complex, one of which being sex before marriage. Waiting until you’re married to have sex is a personal decision. In fact, any type of sex should always be an act of personal choice. The commotion between doing the nasty and putting a ring on it originates back to Catholic Church teachings about abstinence and sexual morality. It is taught and believed that couples should not have sex until they are wedded, which is perhaps why people got married so young fifty years ago. The Church itself does not ‘hate sex’ nor is ‘antisex’ at all, it is simply believed that sex is a way for couples to flourish or renew their love and sacrament of marriage. In other words, you should only have sex with the one you love

and only if you are married to them. Though many other cultures and religions share this similar belief, the tradition is usually cast aside in today’s society. It can be easily said that a lot more people in the world today decide, or simply can’t resist, waiting to get down and dirty. That being said, the personal beliefs and views on this topic have altered dramatically over the recent decades. Regardless of this however, there are still many individuals out there waiting for marriage to do the deed. Personally, I don’t see a difference as to whether you’re married or not to get grinding. Nor do I believe having sex before marriage makes you a sinner, a slut or a bad human being. It’s certainly a seesaw kind of topic to discuss as there are literally so many different ways it can be argued. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. For those that have or intend on doing it sooner rather than later, it’s time to get excited. Whether

you prefer the standard missionary position, BDSM, or experimental, it’s always good and always fun. Although, it’s extremely important to keep in mind of the possible risks involved with sex. Even though sex is utterly sensational, a lot of responsibility comes with it. You have to physically and mentally prepare yourself for the outcomes that may arise after the sexy time is over (touch wood). Of course, the physical aspects may involve unwanted pregnancy and STDs, which never sound very pleasing. While there are contraceptive ways to work around these risks, emotional baggage is another possible factor that may arise. The connection you have with someone after you have sex can often last a long time, which means you may become emotionally invested or bonded to the wrong person. It’s important to talk about these uncertainties to make people aware of the possible outcomes involved with having sex, especially for the first time.

Regardless of the awful risks involved, sex is awesome. Whether you’re married or not, it’s a beautiful way to express love and affection to the person you care most for.

important downside is that you’ll be missing out on something incredibly sensational and amazing.

WAITING FOR WEDDING BELLS

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide which strand to take based on your beliefs and gut feeling. In my experience, don’t over think it too much and whichever one you choose will be the right decision made. Whatever your decision, be sure to remember that you are not trashy if you have sex before you are married, nor are you lame for waiting until you get a ring to have sex.

On the other hand, if you choose the wait it out, good for you! Waiting it out for the long run can definitely be tough, but your reasons for doing so may bypass it all. Luckily, there are fewer risks and responsibilities involved with waiting for marriage to have sex than there is grinding it up. Apart from the waiting time itself, it’s difficult to think of many downsides to this end of the spectrum. One thing that you should bare in mind if you’ve chosen to wait is that your partner may have had sex previously with a certain number of people. I know the number of sexual partners shouldn’t really matter but if you’re anything like me it may bother you slightly. Another

MAKING THE DECISION

Carina had to hand deliver her drawings for this article due to her failing scanner. Literal dick picks, she found it quite ironic.

SO, YOU WANT TO BANG OTHER PEOPLE... WORDS BY: IVORY ROSE

Maybe you’re in a committed relationship. Maybe you’re getting bored of the same positions and need to spice it up a little. Maybe you’re just naturally promiscuous. Whatever the situation is, entering into an open relationship can be quite a scary thing, and a lot of questions can arise and leave you feeling insecure. What if your partner falls in love with someone else? What if they find someone better in bed than you? If not handled delicately, these factors can mean the end of your relationship. So here are a few simple rules to follow if you and your partner are considering an open relationship. BE PREPARED! We all want to feel loved and wanted, so even if you aren’t an overly jealous person, having your partner sleep with someone else can be a bit of a shock. Be prepared to feel jealous, especially the first time

they go out without you. That is the hardest. There may even be times when you feel unwanted, but it’s very important to remember that it is just sex, and your partner wouldn’t still be with you if they didn’t love you. YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT No one needs to know the details of your situation, except your other sexual partners. If you and your partner don’t want your friends to know, that’s fine! But it is important your mistress’ and misters’ know your relationship status and are aware that you are only looking for sex. DON’T FALL IN LOVE Naturally, humans associate good sex with falling in love and it can be tricky to separate the two. A good way to avoid this is not being too cuddly with your sexual partners and don’t spend the night. Essentially, treat them like you are having an affair.

YOUR PARTNER COMES FIRST If your partner wants you to be their date to an event, and you blow them off to see one of your conquests, that’s just a dick move. It’s important to remember that if you’re feeling insecure, your partner probably is as well so you need to make an extra effort to make them feel loved and wanted. DON’T BRING ANYONE HOME This rule particularly applies if you and your partner live together. Your home is your safe place and having your partner parade around the other people they are sleeping with can be damaging to the relationship. HIDE THE DETAILS, NOT THE PEOPLE You don’t need to give your partner all the details. They probably don’t want to know how ‘he can do this one thing with his tongue,’ or ‘she has six nipple piercings.’ Although, you

should never hide who you are going out with or where you are going, just the details of your sexcapades. NO BANG LIST Sleeping with strangers is one thing, sleeping with mutual friends, however, is a huge no-no. Sleeping with someone you have repeated exposure to can generate a lot of confusing emotions. You and your partner should make a list of people neither of you are allowed to bang. BE SAFE!!! I can’t stress this one enough. Use protection! Your partner probably won’t be too happy if you bring home an STI or news that you and your sexual partner are expecting a baby. ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE RULES IS CHEATING! An open relationship isn’t a free pass to get busy with whoever you want. You can still cheat in an open

relationship. Make sure you both stick to the rules you set for yourself and every so often review and make sure the rules still work for you. COMMUNICATION IS KEY Probably the most important rule of all. A lot of trust is required to make an open relationship work. If you do catch anything, including feelings, you must tell your partner straight away. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have wasted your time on someone. SET A TIME FRAME You don’t have to partake in an open relationship forever. It could just be a meantime thing until you decide you want to settle down. Make sure your partner is aware of your end goals.

have established r ules that work for you and your par tner. It can be an awesome way to relieve tension and can even br ing you and your par tner closer together. So now you have a base set of rules for an open relationship. Some of these rules may not work for you and your partner, and that’s okay, but make you sure you establish your own set. Humans have this idea that to be happy we need to be monogamous but that’s is not always the case and in those situations you need to put in extra time and effort to make sure you are happy. So to all of you they are considering this option as the next step in your relationship, I wish you all the best and happy sexcapades.

HAVE FUN WITH IT A n open relat ionship can be a lot of fun once you get over the init ia l jea lousy and once you

People think I’m a white flower, but I’m actually red.

VAG CHAT TM: A DIALOGUE ABOUT MUFFS WORDS BY: BRYDIE KOSMINA

Vaginas are wonderful and awesome and great fun, but also do weird shit sometimes, and we can’t always work out why. Whether you’re going through vagina trouble, or have a partner who is, a bit of advice from an old duck who has had more doctors perform vaginal examinations than she has had sexual partners can go a long way. I interrogated my boyfriend for his advice for people whose partners are going through these things, so all bases are covered. DYSMENORRHOEA (PERIOD PAIN) Periods. That time of the month. On the rag. Shark week. Call it what you want, periods are a unique experience that can hurt like hell. Recently, scientists discovered that period pain can be as painful as a heart attack. I’m not going to bother giving any advice; everyone’s period is different, and once you’ve had a couple you pretty much get the routine down. If anything drastic changes, or it interferes with your day-to-day life, go to a doctor and discuss how you can manage it. Boyfriend says: Having your period doesn’t mean you’ve turned into Mr. Hyde. If your girl wants

to eat a block of chocolate, let her. Give her a cuddle, tell her it’s okay, and watch whatever shit Rom Com she wants. Being in a committed relationship isn’t always about the happy fun times; it’s as much about the moments when we might be at our weakest. THRUSH

once in their life. Basically, bacteria gets in your urethra and it becomes inflamed. If untreated it can spread to your bladder or kidneys. UTIs can cause painful, burning urination, constantly feeling like you need to pee and then not actually passing anything when you go, feeling like your bladder is always sore, and even blood in your urine.

Good ol’ yeast infections. Caused by a build-up of Candida albicans in the vagina, thrush isn’t serious, but is annoying as fuck. It can cause intense itching, a weird cheesy discharge, burning when you pee, and for a few friends, sore vulvas. Eat some yoghurt, go to the chemist and get either a cream or a pill. If it hasn’t cleared up by the end of the treatment, go to the GP. Your doctor may want to do an examination and a swab test, FYI.

Drink a FUCKLOAD OF WATER. Ural helps with the burning (get it from a chemist). Drinking heaps of cranberry juice is one of those home remedy things; I don’t know if it helps but when I get a UTI I get desperate enough to try anything and have necked a bottle of CranFresh. Don’t fuck about; go to a GP if it hasn’t cleared in a few days, because you may need antibiotics. No one wants a kidney infection (and unfortunately, I’m speaking from experience).

Boyfriend says: I’ve never had a partner with thrush, as far as I can remember, but I imagine it would be along the lines of ‘don’t be a dick’.

Boyfriend says: Make yourself available. It’s not hard to get her a glass of water or heat up a heat pack (I don’t know if that helps though). Offer to go to the doctor with her, be mature. She’s in pain and doesn’t need you laughing. Not everything is about your libido, so no, she won’t want sex. Don’t be a dick.

URINARY TRACT INFECTION (UTI) UTIs suck. SO MUCH. 50% of women will experience a UTI at least

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS (STIS) First things first: USE PROTECTION. GET REGULAR TESTS. If you don’t treat an STI they can get worse. Please take care of yourself. Also; don’t be an arsehole, you not getting tested puts your sexual partners at risk too. Get an STI test at least once a year if you’re sexually active. Different STDs can have different symptoms; sometimes they have none. Keep an eye on your vag. Get a hand mirror, check her out every now and then. Be mindful of your day-today health. Remember; getting an STI/STD is NOT something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. It’s just shit that happens that you can hopefully prevent or catch early. Boyfriend says: Knock on wood, the boy and I haven’t had to deal with this, so our advice is a bit more general. Both of you need to go to a doctor, and deal with this together. If you start finger-pointing and blaming, it won’t take long for one of you to start questioning whether you want to be in this relationship at all.

ENDOMETRIOSIS Fucking nightmare fuel. Endo is when tissue similar to what normally lines the inside of the uterus grows outside the uterus. This tissue can cause lesions on your organs, or can ‘web up’ your organs and bind them all up. It is incredibly painful. If you’ve got intensely painful periods, get it checked out. Be aware of your family history, because it runs in the family. It can take a long time to diagnose; on average, it takes seven years between the onset of symptoms and diagnosis. SEVEN YEARS. Hang in there; there isn’t a cure, but there is treatment. Boyfriend says: This is starting to get more serious. Again, really important you help her to see a GP, offer to go with her, understand she’s in pain and you sulking isn’t going to help. OTHER STUFF Vaginas are delicate flowers that can take a pounding like a pro. Treat your muff with respect. The problems I’ve mentioned are probably most relevant among us young’uns, but other shit can

happen. We check our skin regularly for scary moles; we check our breasts for lumps. Add a vagina check into your routine, and go to the doctor if anything is worrying you. I can guarantee, having someone with medical qualifications look at your snatch and tell you all is normal is the most reassuring thing in the world. You have the right to request a female gynaecologist if you want (or a male if you’d prefer!). Get to know your vagina. Your muff does a lot for you; take care of her. Boyfriend says: There are a lot of points mentioned that really you can apply in any situation in a serious relationship. Be willing to listen, because that might be all she needs, someone to listen and understand and care about how they’re feeling. Know your limits, you can’t solve everything and she doesn’t want you to solve everything. Support and encourage visiting the doctor. Take care of her, and let her do the same for you. SEE WHY I LOVE HIM?

Brydie really enjoys a good poo joke and will snicker at fart noises.

ON(LINE) DIT(ING) WORDS BY: JOSH CORKE ART WORK BY: MATILDA BRISTOW

For all the talk of ‘same love’, being gay and looking for love, companionship, or even just a quick root is a totally different experience from being straight. I’ve watched classmates and co-workers develop great relationships and I’ve spent many a sleepless night listening to it happen in a dodgy European hostel, and wishing that I’d sprung the extra €3 for a private room. But, I’m gay and I don’t get to do that. I was, to my knowledge, the only gay male in my grade at high school. I was, for most of my four years in the world of fast food, the only gay male in a workplace that hired nearly a hundred people. These aren’t channels I get to have access to. I get Grindr instead. Buried two pages deep on my phone in a folder marked Useless (because when was the last time you used the Stocks app?) this little app is something I’m supposed to be embarrassed about. For so long, straight friends would hear about Grindr and be horrified by the concept. To be sure, I’ve had some strange, uncomfortable,

unpleasant experiences courtesy of the thing – but I’ve equally met some great people through it. In a world where nearly all of my single friends are on Tinder, this has diminished greatly, but it’s still, I think, considered a novelty. I have, for a long time, used Grindr and Tinder as the sole two ways that I’ve dated. I’m the first to admit that this is not ideal but, short of the Mars Bar, a place which fills my soul with a unique kind of terror that I’ve yet to replicate, it’s the only viable option. This is not to say, of course, that nothing bad has happened to me for having this app. The strangest one goes like this. He’s cute, he lives nearby, and I’m not getting any red flags from his messages. All good, right? We arrange to meet at Zambrero, that most romantic of all restaurants. I arrive. He’s beautiful. Like, really beautiful. Way out of my league beautiful. He insists on paying for my burrito. I’m melting. We

have

long

engaging

conversation. He talks about the concept of love, about the concept of normality. A bit over the top for a first date, but I go along with it. After a while he disappears to the bathroom. I’m still melting. He returns a little different. ‘So,’ he says, ‘let’s get down to business.’ Oh? ‘I’m looking for someone to take some stuff to Broken Hill for me next week.’ I don’t have a car, and at the time I had a steady job, but I’m curious, I need to know where this is going. He lifts up his sleeve and points to the marijuana leaf tattoo on his bicep, gravely nodding all the while. Am I being recruited to the Mafia? Oh god I’m being recruited into the Mafia. I am not just being recruited into the Mafia, as it turns out; I’m being recruited into the Mafia in return for the promise of sex. At this point, I thank him for my burrito, politely decline my entrance point into the world of organised crime, curse myself for having melted, and leave,

disappointed, but with a story that no one ever believes. Enter Twitter. Twitter is a website I use to keep up with the news, to keep myself occupied on the bus, to vent when I’m annoyed, when I’m sad, when I’m not feeling very well, when I’m angry about politics and don’t feel like getting into an argument with a distant uncle for saying so. In short, it’s not a website where I present the best possible version of myself. Still, there are a lot of fantastic people that I wouldn’t know, or would at least not know very well, without it. Over time, the circle of people I know on Twitter has grown, from friends I’d known in person long before I’d ever tweeted, to their friends, and in turn to their friends. What this brings us to is Twitter DMs. He seemed nice. He had a lot to say and share about politics, about the media, about the American election. We talked about Bernie Sanders and about our terror at the concept of President Trump. Then one day I

got a DM. I’m cute, apparently. He ended his message with that emoji of the cat with the love heart eyes. Not what I’d choose, but still sweet. I thanked him and didn’t really think anything of it. Fast-forward a couple of days later. It’s late at night, and I’ve worked out since that it was about 6am on the East Coast of the US, where he was. My phone dings, and dings, and dings a couple more times. I’ve had some photos sent to me. Now, unsolicited nudes are part and parcel of online dating. To my mind, it’s essentially the same thing as whipping it out in public, but you’d be forgiven if you thought that a lot of men considered them to be some kind of magical talisman that causes anyone who sees them to fall in love with them forevermore. But these nudes are something else. He’s in a cat mask. In a couple of them, he’s holding a cat with one hand and with the other, well, I’ll leave that to you. That emoji

makes so much more sense now. Too much sense. WAY too much sense. It’s a few days later when a friend of mine gets the exact same messages. He has to tell someone, and he tells me. He’s perturbed. I’m perturbed. We learn that he does this to anyone and everyone. In the meantime, if I tweet anything during American waking hours, he replies to it. Usually with a cat emoji. Great. So where am I going with this? What I guess I want to get at is that online dating is what you make of it. There’s a lot of creepy people out there, but they’re not just on Grindr. There’s a lot of great people out there, and some of them are! But the best part about online dating, about those apps that everyone thinks are so creepy? There’s a block button, and there’s not one of those at the Mars Bar.

Josh is like a televangelist but for spicy food. He has not been to Broken Hill.

ARTIST PROFILE: CRISTINA MUFFATTI From a young age, I have collected digital ephemera and over time I began using it as a tool to create simple, but elegant, collages, which are printed and constructed by hand. Making minimal alterations to an existing image or idea and seamlessly combining it with another, the collection is both a public and personal statement of youth and sexuality. Whether the audience is offended or intrigued, it has provoked a reaction and reflected the inner workings of my mind. More of my work can be found at @guestofnature on Instagram.

SO, YOU WANT TO BUY A SEX TOY… WORDS BY: KENDR A PR AT T

You’ve decided it’s time to bite the bullet and take the plunge and buy yourself a sex toy. First of all, congratulations! The good news is that you’ve come to the right place, because I happen to sell a range of delightfully classy gizmos and gadgets to suit your every need (unless you’re into really kinky stuff, in which case you might need to look elsewhere). I’m here to guide you on your magical journey of self love, and help you pick the best tool for the job! Because sometimes, ladies, the best tool for the job isn’t the tool who’s been hitting on you in your 3pm History tutorial.

and elegant option for a spot of saucy shopping. The ladies in there are experts on making first-timers comfortable, and you get to listen to soothing swing music. If the notion of actually having to stand in front of a wall of toys still gets the blood racing in a bad way, you can always opt for a nice discreet website like lovehoney.com, who will deliver to your door with no need to ever speak to a real life human being. But that said, there is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to spicing up the contents of your bedside table drawer. Don’t lie, we all know that’s where things are kept.

So in order to make sure you find the perfect fit, there are some questions you’ll need to ask yourself before you wander into Black Knight Erotica. Actually, the first question you should be asking yourself is ‘Do I want to go to a sex shop?’. If the answer is no, I highly recommend Honey Birdette (and not just because I work there) as a more luxurious

As your self-proclaimed Sex Toy Wizard Guide, I have put together this handy flowchart to prevent you from wandering astray. Simply follow the questions to determine which toy is best for you. If you were a fan of Dolly Magazine as a young adult, then you are eminently prepared for what follows…

30 Single and ready to flamingle!

I like a little bit of both. What can I say, I’m greedy.

Do you want hands-free pleasure?

I want to lay back and enjoy!

I’d like to be involved, thanks.

Do you prefer to play with your love button or search for the sweet spot?

I like external stimulation, give my clitoris some attention.

Do you prefer big rumbly vibrations or small fast ones?

Go big or go home! Ina Wave or Delta

Dallas or Kissing Sawn

Tango by We-Vibe

INA WAVE OR DELTA:

The Ina Wave by Lelo is the f irst vibrator of its ty pe; an internal/ external stimulator which moves in a wave-like motion designed to mimic the “come hither” movement that a lover would make with their hands. The advantage is that you are able to f ind the right spot, then simply lay back and enjoy the movement. For more control, either hold the handle to focus on

I prefer the finer things in life, including vibrations.

Are you a single pringle or a kinky couple?

I like internal stimulation, find that coveted g-spot.

Do you want movement?

Good Lord, we do!

Mona Wave

I can do it myself, thanks.

Gigi

Form 2

your g-spot, or tighten your kegel muscles around the body of the toy to increase stimulation of the clitoris. Delt a i s a toy created by Honey Bi rdet te wh ich comes w it h a h a ndy remote, a l low i ng you to cont rol you r plea su re f rom a del ight f u l ly rec l i ned pos it ion, or h a nd t he remote to a lover for even more f u n. Delt a s it s i nter n a l ly a nd ex ter n a l ly, but doesn’t h ave a h a nd le.

RABBIT STYLE VIBRATORS

The most common and popular form of vibrator, made famous by Sex and the City. It has been said that more rabbit vibrators are sold each year in the UK than washing machines, and it’s no surprise, given how effective they are. The advantage of a rabbit is that it stimulates both the clitoris and the g-spot at the same time. Many designs will feature a rotating tip, though not all of them. There is also some variation on the

I want something he can wear to make him extra fab!

A gentleman’s ring: Duke or Milo

shape of the clitoral arm, designs include a literal rabbit shape, one that looks like a small pair of lips or a simple rounded end. TANGO

The ultimate pocket rocket! Tango is a hard plastic, bullet style vibrator but it sure as hell packs a punch. My favourite past-time is putting this one on the ground and watching it race across the f loor. Its vibrations are a lot bigger than other bullet vibrators, the best way to describe them is “rumbly”, and its cute design looks a bit like a lipstick so it’s an inoffensive one to keep in your handbag. Because you never know when you might need a midday pick-me-up…. FORM 2

Pleasure in surround-sound! Form 2 has two adorable little bunny ears which sit on either side of the clitoris, meaning you can enjoy pleasure from all angles. It’s completely waterproof, so you can take it in the bath with you, and it’s strong enough that it will work underwater without even touching you. For bonus uses, try placing Form 2 between you and your partner during missionary, or use this little baby on your man by stroking it along the underneath of his shaft. MONA WAVE Similar to the Ina Wave, albiet without a clitoral arm, the Mona Wave still has the delightful “come hither” motion designed to massage

We’re a couple ready to spice things up!

How do you want to use the toy?

the g-spot for ultimate internal stimulation. Some people feel that that Ina Wave can pinch somewhat if it’s not a good fit or not in the right spot. The Mona Wave removes this possibility, and can be used in conjunction with an external vibrator if you still want dual stimulation. GIGI

Gigi is a g-spot massage (as the name suggests) and rather than aiming for size like other, phallic shaped toys, it gets straight to the point. Or the spot, as the case might be. The end of the toy is a lovely flat surface, which is angled to sit against the g-spot (it’s really not very far back, ladies) and provide lots of lovely stimulation right to one of the most sensitive parts of your body. A GENTLEMAN’S RING

A gentleman’s ring (or cock ring for the less civilised amongst us) is designed to be slipped over the penis and rest at the base of the shaft. Not only does it slightly restrict blood-flow to your partner (meaning his erection will last longer and be firmer) but it will also allow the vibrations to travel all the way through him and turn him into your living breathing sex toy! Added bonus, if you put the bulk of the toy on top, it will also stimulate the clitoris, but if you rest it underneath it will be even better for him. Not to mention if you slip the ring over two fingers, you can give yourself vibrating fingertips… imagine the possibilities.

I want something she can wear that we can both enjoy

We-Vibe 4

WE-VIBE 4+

The We-Vibe is the ultimate couples toy, an internal/external toy which sits discreetly inside the woman. The internal part rests flat against the g-spot and allows room for your partner to also slip inside, which means that everyone gets to enjoy those lovely vibrations. For the techheads amongst us, the We-Vibe also has a free smartphone app which allows you to control your toy from literally anywhere in the world. You can also control the internal and external arms individually, meaning you can determine how much stimulation you get from both. So now that you’ve chosen a delightful friend to keep in your top drawer, make sure you take proper care of it! Any toy with a silicone skin will need a water-based or toysafe silicone lubricant. An ordinary silicone lubricant will damage the surface of the toy and void your warranty, so avoid those like you avoid pink fluffy handcuffs. Most places should also sell a toy-cleaner or an anti-bacterial spray. These are important because you don’t want to be using ordinary hand soap on your toys, they can damage the toy as well as doing nasty things to your lovely lady parts! It’s worth spending a little extra money to invest in a good quality toy which will last you years. Because ladies… you never know how long a dry spell will last. Boys are for never, toys are for ever. When Kendra isn’t selling people orgasms, she is giving them advice on love, life and relationships on her blog, kendrapratt.com

THE PROBLEM WITH LOVE WORDS BY: BILLY VAWSER

Love. Isn’t it great? As a young gay male who is obsessed with love, but hasn’t experienced a proper relationship, I love to love. I love making a spiritual and mental connection with someone. I love intimacy, not necessarily in the physical sense, but inside jokes that only you two get. Cheesy, cutesy Tumblr things like that. If I think a guy and me are getting along, I go onto his Facebook and see when his birthday is and see if our star signs are compatible. Usually there’s always a sign that we’re meant to be, or some cosmic meaning that somehow we would be good together but we would need to put in the hard yards to make it work. I must sound either insane or a hopeless romantic at this point. I promise you I’m not insane. But this piece isn’t really about me; it’s about the problem alluded to in the title. It’s a problem in both the LGBT+ and heterosexual communities. The problem with loving someone, falling in love with someone, or even having feelings for someone is that we live in a hook up culture. We (and I’m not meaning me, because I like to get to know someone first before I even consider kissing them) as a society have come accustomed to sex on the first date. Watching my friends turn Tinder dates into blossoming romance, into full blown serious committed relationships, made me realise that

anything is really possible in terms of relationships. And maybe, just maybe, if I give it time and focus on myself for a bit, I could find the Romeo to my Juliet, without the teen suicide. But then again, love is often overdramatic, so really, I can’t hope for underdramatic love. Because of hook up culture, a lot of my friends are very cautious when going on dates and potentially starting a relationship with someone. They say things like, ‘we’re not labelling anything just yet’ or ‘we don’t want anything serious right now’ and then back away when things start to get too serious. Maybe it’s because they are genuinely not ready for anything, and they’re really working through their own mental anguish over their past trials and tribulations in their love life. Maybe it got too serious too fast. Maybe they low key just want to be single and live their life for them, subscribing to hook up culture. Or maybe hook up culture has made them scared of something more, something tangible, real, and long lasting. Hook up culture, at least in my personal opinion, has partially made this society so scared to dream big in terms of romantic aspirations. The physical part of a romance is incredibly pleasing to the human form; we’re literally engineered to enjoy it. But hook up culture has made people scared to get into a relationship, or something

more than a casual arrangement, and that’s kind of sad. I get it, relationships and love is terrifying, but risks are always terrifying. There’s always going to be that risk that you’ll have your heart broken, but life is meant to be experienced, both the good and the bad. Hate to break it to you, almighty reader, but all relationships end. Either you die or you break up. Everything in this life is temporary. Despite not having a real reason to believe in love – I mean I’ve never had a proper, exclusive, “Facebook official” boyfriend – I choose to believe in love anyway. I choose to believe that there is some guy out there, that is meant to be with me, and I’m meant to be with them, and the universe worked its magic so we could be together. I know that I will be okay and I know that I’ll get my happily ever after. It is completely your choice to subscribe to hook up culture. You do you. You live your life however you want; it’s your life. But, don’t be scared to dream big, romantically or otherwise. Don’t be scared of love, of commitment, of the future. Take the future by the metaphorical hand and walk with it into the sunset. To end this on a relatively sweet note, don’t let your fears dictate your future love life. The world is your oyster.

Billy Vawser is a social media maven, thinks he's cool and a one-man show on two legs. You can follow his Instagram/life journey of biblical proportions at @vawser

AN ONLINE EXPERIENCE WORDS BY: TOMMY GIORDANO

So this one time I was on Twitter looking at porn. Actually, this isn’t so unusual and I tend to think of it as a throwback to my college days in which Twitter was one of the few sites not blocked on our wireless. On this evening, I found myself looking at an adult performer’s profile and I saw she had alerted her fans to an upcoming cam show she’d be doing. Interesting, I thought to myself, that’s something I’ve never done. Naturally, I clicked on the link and I was taken to one of the many websites where adult models stream and perform sex acts for tips. Alas, the actress I’d followed was not online (typical show business types, making us work around their schedules) but that didn’t seem to limit my options – there were many other models insession. SweetChrissiex had this Jessica Rabbit thing going on, which apparently does something for me. Soon enough she was fully undressed and touching herself. Chrissie does this for a living and, freeloader that I am, I was contributing nothing to her cause. I’d have felt like a cheapskate but, truth be told, I wasn’t finding any of this erotic whatsoever. Perhaps it was her looking like a cartoon that had distracted me, as well as the fact I’d already begun to mull over the finer details of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? For example, I once read that Disney and Warner Bros. only agreed to licence their characters on the condition they were given

equal screen-time, right down to the number of frames. Crazy, huh? Maybe if I was tipping Chrissie I’d have been more invested in her sexual narrative, but I doubt it. Cam sites clearly work for a lot of people and if I’d discovered they didn’t quite service my dishwasher, there was no shame in that. It was time to move on and I would have forgotten this night completely were it not for what happened next... Some 10 minutes later I was still watching the performance and still not feeling anything. Chrissie was using one of those Hitachi massagers that I swear lack a non-sexual application, but in the next five minutes I became no more aroused. After a few more minutes watching I began to feel the slightest of faint sensations and by that time I just wanted to get it over and done with. Hence, I stuck with it just a little longer. Now, if you’ve never been on a cam site I’ll give you a quick run down. You have the model’s bio at the bottom of the page, the live video takes centre stage and to the right there’s a comments feed where members can make requests, ask questions and so forth. I was persisting away in my bedroom, hoping to reach some kind of a

conclusion when a comment comes up on the feed: “Alan Sidney Patrick Rickman, 1946-2016 RIP”. Wait, what? I stopped. Chrissie stopped. Chrissie dropped the Hitachi. The comments feed suddenly exploded, with those who’d paid enough money to comment all hoping this was some horrible joke. Of course, it wasn’t, and the news just sat there. I had no idea that Harry Potter had touched the world so deeply. Or Die Hard for that matter. Galaxy Quest is pretty fun too. You could say that we all shared a moment, but we really didn’t. It was just a bunch of guys in separate parts of the world, pants at their ankles, mourning the loss of a icon with the full knowledge that we could never, ever share this moment with anybody. I haven’t been back since. Not out of taboo or disinterest or anything, no. I’m only concerned for the health and well-being of Ralph Fiennes.

Tommy Giordano is a proud pseudonym whose name was taken from an episode of MacGyver.

THINGS I WISH I KNEW BEFORE HAVING SEX WORDS BY: MICHAEL A M C GR ATH

VIRGINITY DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST Virginity isn’t real (I know, shocker). This societal construct is exactly that constructed. You’re not “losing” anything, because you are gaining an experience. You are not less of a person, you are not a “slut” and you are not less desirable. You are still you. This whole concept of blossoming into a woman is entirely untrue. If anything you might feel a little bit more grown up, for a brief amount of time, kind of like the first time you successfully put on lipstick. ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE TO SEX WHAT DISNEY IS TO ROMANCE Fake, exaggerated and contrived. Just as Disney brought us the tales of Cinderella and Snow White to wildly blow out our expectations of true love; romantic comedies are the crutch of unrealistic first times. As much as The Notebook and Twilight would love for you to believe otherwise, your first time (or any time for that matter) probably won’t involve a private island,

passionate kissing in the rain or a broken headboard. It’ll be awkward but don’t get me wrong, it’ll be great. It just doesn’t need the kind of movie magic you’re used to seeing to be great. BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT’S OKAY FOR IT TO MEAN SOMETHING It’s the dirty little secret nobody wants to talk about. Contrary to the last couple of ideas, I know too many people who regret not placing enough importance on their first time. This isn’t to say that you have to fall in love with each and every sexual partner you ever have, but you should in the very least feel comfortable. These days its on trend to act blasé about all things sex. The problem with this is that sex isn’t a trend and really shouldn’t be treated as such. It’s personal and intimate and like all first times it can be nerve racking. So remember that it’s okay to place value on the who, what, where and when of your sex life.

IT SHOULDN’T HURT As much as the whispers of your “experienced” friend may have convinced you otherwise, sex isn’t meant to hurt. The myth that your first time will be an excruciating ordeal leads to a lot of staring off into the distance, tense and stress during a time that should be fun and relaxing. This tension and anxiety leads to pain. So breathe, relax and enjoy yourself. FOREPLAY, IT EXISTS Again, as much as the big screen loves to deceive us, a few steamy kisses doesn’t mean both parties are ready. Foreplay is important. Not only will it help get things ready to go, but it also feels great and is an excellent assist in getting both of you on the same page. Friction isn’t fun and foreplay isn’t an option, it’s an essential. Sex shouldn’t be in and out, rinse and repeat. Have fun, get handsy and remember, lube is your friend. Michaela has a borderline unhealthy relationship with almond milk cappuccinos.

FEMINISTS FOR KARDASHIAN WORDS BY: ALICIA FR ANCESCHINI

I love watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Boom! There it is. My not so secret shame. My guilty pleasure that I don’t really feel any guilt about. Here is something else you should know about me. I’m also a joy-killing, Simone de Beauvoirreading, gender-studies-class-taking feminist. Are you confused yet? My love for the Kardashian family in fact stems from my feminist stance on slut shaming. Kim Kardashian is a woman who made millions of dollars and continues to have a highly successful career in the face of an ex-boyfriend who unlawfully and without her consent released a private video of the two of them having sex. When people like to tear down Kim, like they so often do, for being famous solely for being in a sex tape or for ‘flaunting’ her sexuality, that is an instance of slut shaming my friends. Slut shaming is the act of judging someone, usually a woman, based on how many partners she has had or because she is comfortable with her own sexuality.

The idea of making an assumption about a woman, or anyone else for that matter, based on what you think you know about their sexuality is an extremely outdated concept. It should simply not be important to you what someone else is doing in his or her private and personal life. Yes, our sexual experiences help to shape who we are as people and it can be important and even fulfilling to share some of your sexual history with your current partner or a trusted friend. But the number of people you have chosen to go to bed with should in no way dictate your worth and you should be able to share this information with the people you love without fear of judgment. To be clear, it is not just men who are taught to belittle women who are comfortable with their sexuality. From a young age little girls are often taught the virtues of chastity and to use words like ‘slut’, ‘skank’, and ‘whore’ as an insult towards their female friends. Ladies, the first step we need to take if we are going to dismantle the patriarchy and smash those glass ceilings once we all graduate, which is what I’m

assuming we all want to do, is to love your fellow woman a little bit more. Let’s always lift each other up and never tear each other down like the rest of the world is so keen for us to do. Next time you see a woman taking charge of her own sexuality or reveling in the beauty of her own body, don’t make that instinctual judgment that she is inherently wrong or somehow less than for doing so. Let’s learn from Kim K, and trust me we can learn a thing or two from that woman, that when we take charge of our sexuality and our bodies and free ourselves from the fear of judgment, amazing things can happen.

Alicia is a harpy queen that enjoys truffle risotto and speaking French badly.

A SPECTRUM OF SEXUALITY IN VIDEO GAMES WORDS BY: ZAC BR ANDON-SMITH ART WORK BY: GENEVEIVE BR ANDENBERG

For an ambitious medium like video games, with a short history and a lot to prove, crafting characters with fully-formed sexual identities, is a large undertaking, and all too often results in an archetypal mockery of human sexuality. Credit where it's due: the sex scene from Quantic Dream's Heavy Rain, is pretty fun if you imagine Ethan and Madison are asphyxiated fish trying to give each other some kind of reverse mouthto-mouth. Go on, try to picture that shit. To fully express my frustration with misapplied sexuality in video game characters, I've explained some of the exemplars of the anti-sexual and hyper-sexual extremes of both cisgenders, to show you the tropes which are holding games back, from having truly great sexually-informed narratives. THE HYPER-SEXUAL FEMALE: BAYONETTA FROM BAYONETTA Sure, much of modern media is rife with overly sexualised female images, but in Bayonetta, we find a character whose sexual identity could only be described

as "sexuality" itself, being that it is directionless and omnipresent. She strives to be as ambiguously sexual as possible, and though I said that it was 'directionless' just now, we know where it's really directed, don't we? As usual for these kinds of "characteras-sex-object" archetypes, she's only fetishised for the gratification of the audience, as it serves no narrative purpose and doesn't seem sensible, alongside the loose Judeo-Christian inspirations for its story. The question must be asked however: for all of these concerns of female objectification, do these elements have a right to exist in a creative product? Personally, the sexual nature of Bayonetta doesn't massively offend me on an ethical level, but narratively, I find the whole situation awfully silly. Hence, I simply wonder "do these elements need to exist?" The answer should be self-evident, but I'll labour it a little. Nobody is buying Bayonetta to get off! That's what porn is for! So stop it. Alright? Stop it. That's what porn is for. Stop it. That's better.

THE HYPER-SEXUAL MALE: GARCIA HOTSPUR FROM SHADOWS OF THE DAMNED Garcia Hotspur is also a fetish object, but not for women or men or any else who might want to actually have sex with him. Rather, it's strictly for pre-teen males who think that riding shirtless on a skullfestooned Harley and naming your sidearm the 'Boner', is the worldfucking-standard of cool and edgy. Honestly, any analysis or critique I could provide on this game would do less to prove my point than just describing the bloody thing. So here you go. For the Shadows of the Damned equivalent of a turret section, Garcia's demonic spirit guide (whose name is Johnson because of course it is), dials a phone sex line because of some reasons and gets horny enough to transform into a shiny, stiff, two metre-long rifle. Again, for some reasons that definitely exist. Garcia remarks, 'Now that's a Big Boner,' and 'let's take this pole for a stroll'. He then holds it at his waist and thrusts/fires it at enemies, literally screaming 'Nice work Big Boner!'

At this point I cut off my own nose and fed it to a dog. From disappointment. That's totally a thing people do. Shut up. THE ANTI-SEXUAL FEMALE: LARA CROFT FROM TOMB RAIDER (2013) Croft is a character who once served as an object of puerile gratification alongside the best of them, but her most recent incarnation has risen above those previous stereotypes, to become something great. The only example here of a character I actually like, Lara is by no means flawed for being anti-sexual, but in my opinion would benefit from having a sexual/romantic element to her character. Of course, some may argue that this would detract from her "strong, independent woman" vibe, and whilst I think that might be a patronising sentiment, I can certainly see some merit to it. I simply think that a sexual element would help her seem like less of a fucking sociopath. I mean goddamn, when looking at the broad strokes, Lara effectively reduces every fellow island inhabitant to "Damsel", in need of rescue, or "Potential Rapist",

to be run through with a sharp bit of wood. Of course this contextually makes sense - the other characters fit those designations perfectly - but please, just please Square Enix. Give Lara Croft someone to actually like. People like other people sometimes. At least, that's what my therapist tells me. THE ANTI-SEXUAL MALE: KRATOS FROM GOD OF WAR I'll discuss only the first in the GoW saga, because this game features its protagonist, tragic Greek "hero" Kratos, as an actual character. In each other instalment, CrateToss catches a bad case of Master Chief Syndrome, reduced to little more than a power fantasy wrapped in a plot device. The story begins in medias res with GreatToes killing a lot of mythic monsters and trying to make up for murdering his own wife and daughter mostly by accident. He is a violent monster. It's basically why the game is fun. As it happens though, Kratos' anti-sexual nature is solidified in my eyes for the same reason that others might refute the point.

'Look buddy', I somehow hear you say, 'Kratos actually has sex in the game, you right idiot.' Well done telepathic reader, you're right. But the manner in which this alleged intercourse occurs, is laughably childish. Not only does 99.80085% of gameplay consist of murdering everyone everywhere, but as CrabSauce, you approach a couple of half-naked women and hit the Circle button to trigger a camera pan away from imminent sex (to the tortured cries of pubescent males everywhere). Then you hit whichever buttons the game tells you to, until the noises stop and you add some numbers to your previous numbers to count towards an upgrade, and trudge off without so much as a furtive glance shared. Congratulations God of War; you are to sexual maturity as a wild rhinoceros is to a quiet wedding reception.

Zac Brandon-Smith doesn't think you'll find the word 'boobs' hidden somewhere in this article. Prove him wrong.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX WORDS BY: AMY NANCARROW

AN EXAMINATION INTO SEXUAL CONVERSATION Here’s something you should know about me: I love sex. I love having it, talking about it, trying new things; I will talk about it with my friends and definitely talk about it with my partners. Since I started having sex, I’ve always been this way. I’ve never thought it was weird or that other people didn’t like talking about sex, and all of the nitty-gritty that comes with it. Bar a couple of terrible experiences, I’ve always been forthright with my partners in what I want from sex, what turns me on, what is working and what is not; I also encourage them to talk to me about it. In my experience, the best sex is when both parties can be open, honest, and flexible (wink), to ensure that both are having a good time. However, there are those that don’t like talking about sex, either with friends, or with partners. I have friends who squirm uncomfortably at the mere mention of sex; they refuse to talk about physiological or emotional aspects of it. Many people find talking about it with their sexual partners uncomfortable, and avoid

the topic altogether. Some even find it hard to ask their partners to use contraceptive methods like condoms, which could obviously lead to severe health-related consequences. Where does this come from? Surely, a lack of open communication and sexual education during school, contributes to the stigmas surrounding sex. In Australia, our sexual education system is vastly more open and developed than other Western countries like England or the US. There are several education options for children as early as 10 years old; Healthy Harold or your year seven teacher sit you down and talk about condoms and drugs, and your parents don’t even have to pull out a cringing “Where Do You Come From?” book, that ultimately ends in embarrassment for all involved. It’s great, and our rates of teenage pregnancy are between ten and twenty percent lower than the US or UK. However, the sexual dialogue isn’t overt here in Australia. Abortion is rarely discussed, and the particulars of abortion law vary from state-tostate. In some states, including SA, prostitution is technically legal, however brothels, pimping, and

soliciting on the street are illegal, and the industry isn’t regulated. Sexual stigmas are well and truly still in play. So how can we broaden the lines of sexual communication? Let’s start on a micro scale: talk to your partner about sex. Not just about the sex itself, but your attitudes towards it. If you’re nervous, say so. Having this kind of open dialogue will make the experience far more comfortable and orgasmic for both parties. On a macro level, talk with your friends, peers, or even your local council representatives, about sexual issues that matter to the larger community: teen pregnancy, abortion, sex work, the proliferation of sexual health clinics such as SHINE (whose clinic numbers have dwindled over the years). If we can normalise and destigmatise the topic, we can open the debate and make it a more open and accepting conversation to have, and future Australians – including our future children and grandchildren – will reap the benefits. Amy is glad she wrote this article because she rediscovered Salt n Pepa and is now playing them on a loop.

THE TRANS GENDERBREAD PERSON WORDS BY: CAI L ANGFORD

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, you might not have heard of the term transgender (trans). It refers to a person who identifies with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth. While there is greater awareness around trans issues, there remains some misperceptions about the trans identities that don’t fit into the fixed gender binary. Some people are aware from a young age that they feel foreign in their body. Indeed, it is not uncommon to hear of toddlers wanting to change their gender. Others come to realise they are in the wrong body later in life and undergo some form of transitioning from male to female or vice versa. While I identify as trans, this isn’t how it has worked out for me, or for many others who don’t identify within the gender binary. As a child, I was like most other young girls. I liked Barbie, playing outside with my sister and dog and fairy princess dress ups. I also liked remote control cars, skateboarding and most sports. All this means very little though - there are plenty of young girls who like remote control cars and nothing more comes of it. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that I

noticed things were a little different. My body started going through normal changes, but they didn’t feel right to me. For a long time, I ignored these feelings until I finally met someone who identified as neither a guy, or a girl. Eventually, I came to realise that I too identified as non-binary. People experience non-binary identities in many different ways. Some identify as agender - a person who feels they have no gender. Others identify as demigender, where they weakly associate with one gender. Still others identify as several genders and use the term pangender. A trans identity that has been gaining more attention in popular culture at the moment is gender fluidity. This refers to a person whose gender identity is transient and moves between genders. Everyone expresses gender fluidity differently. Ruby Rose describes her identity as not identifying as either a guy or girl, and then dressing in gendered ways that suits her feelings on any given day.

Personally, I identify as androgynous. Like Ruby Rose, I don’t identify as a guy or a girl. I usually present in a rather masculine way but that’s probably because I have such as feminine body. I have thought a lot about how I would like to present myself once my body matches my mind and I think it will definitely be more feminine than I am now. I want to have a flat chest, and be able to go the beach without a shirt on, but I also still want to wear a skirt with doc martens. I want to wear a suit with makeup and nail polish and I want to do that without being told I’m in the wrong bathroom.

Cai has been listening to the Harry Potter audio books for the past six years. The Stephen Fry version obviously.

THE ‘C’ WORD: CONSENT DEFINED WORDS BY: KATERINA SAPPHO ART WORK BY: R ACHEL WONG

It’s probably time we talked about the ‘C’ word. No, not c**t – although we all know a few of them. I’m talking about Consent. Maybe we take this for granted these days, but nevertheless consent is giving someone the green light to enter your special place. Giving consent permits you both to take a trip into your magical kingdom, and showing each other around the palace; riding a few ponies, and finding the “g‐oh‐ld”. But let me preach, my curious choir, about a golden rule when it comes to sex: If it’s not a yes, it’s a no… a big. Fat. NO. Enjoy being a little naughty, but it’s not enough to just assume that your partner wants to have sex –no matter how irresistible you may be. It’s just a) courteous, and b) respecting someone else’s body– not to mention you’d be obeying the law. Sex is great! We love it, you love it – just make sure your partner is down for it. I’ve never done the ‘one night stand’ thing, but I imagine it’d be pretty important to lay down a few ground rules before the clothes start flying. How do you guys do it!? Do you make sure it only happens once? Or do you see how much you enjoy it and decide from there? I may not know much about flings, but I do know how much it can mess with someone when the feelings are not mutual. Consent is SO important, because you are giving your whole self to someone, and not just the exterior:

all of your feelings and issues, about what you love and hate about yourself; you’re stripped of your shield, and are completely raw and exposed. So make sure you are emotionally ready to hit the home run, and definitely make sure there is consent even if you are in a relationship. If you’re noticing a pattern where your bf/ gf is not listening to you when you say ‘not tonight’, but they go ahead anyway, then it’s actually sexual harassment (or assault). And it will make you feel like absolute shit, and will feed through to other parts of your life. So we know sex as being a physical thing, but can I just say mind‐ fucking is just as bad, if not worse. You may think it’s some kind of sick joke, ‘leaving someone hanging’, or having sex with them because they “want your body”. You can mentally fuck someone for a very long time, long after you are done and have disposed of them. Don’t play mind games, don’t be a fuck head – just don’t. do. it. Want to know something scary? Studies in 2015 showed Australia as having one of the highest rates of reported sexual assault in the world, at almost 92 people per 100,000 of the population: a rate at more than double the global average –and that’s just the recorded statistics. There is a massive percentage of rape victims who don’t report it, and an even smaller percentage that actually go through a court trial. Their right to consent was viciously taken away from them, so can we do them a favour and not use the word

rape so loosely? You didn’t “rape your assignment”, you just did really well. Don’t abuse the word or the privilege, because rape happens more than we realise. Victims, or survivors of rape, fight a mental battle every minute of their lives, and they carry around a kind of trauma that the rest of us will never fully understand. But I digress. Just remember, get to know your body first, and listen to your gut. If a new shop is shiny on the inside but it doesn’t have a cash register, they are NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS. And nor are you, my little darlings. You may think you are ready for it, but if it’s time to ride the saddle and you’re terrified of horses, then stop. Just stop. Sex is a choice. And if you’re in bed with someone who is taking away that choice, then it’s classified as abuse. It’s incredibly hard, but stand up for yourself. It takes more courage to say no, then to hold a bragging right of how many people you’ve slept with. Srsly. If there’s no consent, it’s rape. Black and white, brethren.

Katerina is a philosophy enthusiast trying to find the meaning of life. You can often find her looking for phallic symbols and people-watching down Rundle Mall.

THE NAKED TRUTH: BARING ALL WORDS BY: L AUREN COPL AND

When we are naked, we are undisguised and without constraint. Free from the carefully considered self-expression of our clothing, we can truly be ourselves. When we bare ourselves to another, we entrust them with all of our hidden parts, and often, our innermost insecurities. Free from clothing’s concealment of our least-liked qualities, we are intimately and openly ourselves. When we are body conscious, we are not free to open ourselves fully to another. Instead, we are confined by societal expectations and our own limiting beliefs about what the “perfect” body “should” be. Unfortunately, our society is heavily image conscious, perpetuated by the media’s preoccupation with physical appearance. Strict, pre-defined notions are deeply ingrained within our culture, dictating how we should age, what clothing we should wear, and ultimately how we should look. These messages habitually reach us directly from popular media, most notably, magazines. We have all seen magazine covers with highly doctored images that preach for self-acceptance whilst advising us on how to lose weight fast. These magazines may attempt to promote healthy lifestyles but in reality, they play on people’s insecurities,

insisting that we can love and accept ourselves only if we fit in with society’s expectations.

and these expectations are typically instilled in us by the messages that we are exposed to.

Any deviation from these accepted norms seemingly invites others to ridicule, judge, and criticise us for our choices or even aspects of our person that we have no control over. Think of all the times that we have seen people, complete strangers, saying cruel things about someone’s appearance on social media. Hurtful things like “you’re a whale”, “you’re ugly”, “you’re disgusting”, “you’re too skinny”, “you’re too fat”, “you’re too short”, or “you’re too tall”. Given these intense societal pressures, it is no wonder that many of us are crippled by body image issues.

In an attempt to attain the unattainable, we slave away in the gym, follow fad diets, and sacrifice our uniqueness; slavishly trying to adhere to society’s expectations. Sadly, if we always see the worst in ourselves, then we tend to expect that others will too. Given these negative beliefs, it is no wonder that we find it difficult to be naked in front of others. We cannot hide what we perceive to be our worst qualities when we are naked, there is no clothing to shield us; we are intimately and completely exposed. For many of us that thought is fucking terrifying.

Body image is essentially the way that we perceive our physical appearance, however, the feelings, thoughts and emotions associated with this perception is closely intertwined with our identity as a whole. Therefore, if we view our body and our appearance negatively, then we will usually think of ourselves negatively. Often we criticise ourselves for not being thin/ beautiful/strong/tall/attractive/ fit enough. This relates to our expectations of what the “perfect” man or woman should look like,

In society today we are overexposed to nakedness, it is in ad campaigns, movies and television shows, and it is rampant throughout social media. We have become so used to seeing naked people that the human body has lost its sanctity, the specialness that it once had. Now, unwrapping ourselves, and allowing another to gaze upon and caress our naked form, is fraught with fear. We worry that we won’t meet their expectations or that we will be compared with others, as we know that they have seen it all

before, on some other person. As the media is saturated with images of the “ideal body” this creates certain expectations and beliefs within us about how we “should” look. If we don’t match these ideals then it can lead us to believe that we aren’t beautiful or physically attractive, despite the fact that our deviations from society’s expectations are often the most interesting and unique parts of ourselves. We are afraid of being rejected or openly criticized for not conforming to society’s ideals for beauty, especially if we already have body image concerns or low selfconfidence. Humans are innately social creatures; we actively seek companionship and intimacy. We desire to be loved and accepted in spite of the flaws that we perceive within ourselves, we want to believe that we are beautiful or to know that someone else does. Given these negative perceptions, it is no wonder that we are afraid to trust, and to love others. We cannot be hurt or broken if we do not allow ourselves to feel in the first place, but then we miss out on all of the joys of loving and being loved. When we are naked in front of another, it is generally for sexual

purposes and is essentially the highest level of intimacy that we can achieve. In effect, we are saying, “we love you enough to trust you fully with ourselves; heart, soul and body, please treat us right.” Sex isn’t merely a physical act, it is highly emotional, and no matter your faith, spiritual as well. We have to be mindful of this when we enter into intimate relationships, not only to protect ourselves but also the other person. If we can learn to love and accept our body, then we won’t be so afraid when baring it to another. We need to be comfortable with ourselves and focus on the traits we like rather than solely on those that we wish to change. Each of us has unique bodies just as our personalities differ, we should be celebrating this fact rather than deploring it. It is time that we let go of the fear, self-hatred, and low self-esteem, and instead choose to believe that we are “perfect” exactly as we are. Only then, can we truly enjoy and celebrate our naked body, and if they are lucky enough, allow someone else to do the same.

Lauren didn’t send us a bio, but the editors think she’s lovely. You can trust us on this.

THERE IS SOMETHING MORE (I HOPE) WORDS BY: MEREDITH DOWLING

You crawl on top of me sweating, heaving, gasping as if you can’t breathe. A drowning man - a man who couldn’t live without love a poet would say Fuck the poet. You howl when you come, loud and sudden -a messy tsunami. There’s a field of white tissues on the floor like stained butterflies from our festivities of love But who said love was the smashing of writhing bodies? Love is the collision of humans swept together by fortuitous circumstance. A broken shoe lace, a late train a spilled drink, a swift downpour of rain a shared glance, an infectious laugh a comment on the grey weather or the colour of a bright coat. This is how people meet, how they collide together in a vast, overwhelming universe of distinct, unrelated, disjointed, unconnected trivia. When people say they are “making love” as a euphemism for sex, it is only the physical fragment. Surely there is something more.

A NEW SHADE OF BLUE WORDS AND ART WORK BY: ELISHA M C GR ATH

The Fire, it smoulders Consumption begins Your hands in my hair as we bicker and sin You fell, I fell As we all do Our hearts and our minds All black and all blue Find a new lover Let them consume you Expand your palette beyond black and blue One day you may feel them As another fills you But the white light, it blinds As your thoughts leave the room Heart and minds heal with consumptions anew Leaving only spent bodies All black and all blue

HOW TO FAKE A MALE ORGASM WORDS BY: MAX WURM

Her face is a tragedy, the sheets reek misfortune her hand needs assistance, not to mention position, she’s somewhat a fish, no― a jellyfish―toying with nuclear fission. Base 3 comes soon after, the same can’t be said for the fool who took up this outrageous location. To say she was nibbling my knob would be quite an absurd amplification to the point where you’d think she was fit for the job―WRONG. Then the whispers ― I groan ― what dreadful news to come to ear ― I wish that was actually a sexual reference. I hear her moan “duck meat” ― or perhaps it was “duck feet”? It matters not, I’m just so preoccupied keeping my body awake and how draining! This undertaking she’s somehow mistaken for boning. Aha! How obvious ― the solution so crystal, all I crave inside the little bottle resting on her crappy novel.

“Turn around” I ask politely, member readjusting slightly (okay, it takes a little while) Smiling brightly; yep, that’s what I am now my plan is brewing thickly A few more thrusts, I’ll be set to go — far away, and very quickly. Honestly speaking, and with luck I hope that this will be the final time that we will have to fornicate. It took some moaning ― a Broadway performance ― and a careful squirt of her lavender lotion across the canals of her beautiful buttocks I notice they fall short of dead gorgeous. Before I quite know it, my hands are in motion, roaming those cheeks of perfection so swollen. The whiteness convolving the lavender scent ever-growing and growing and growing. Her face, so revolting is now less-so, glowing. Though not quite as impressed as the time I first saw it. My shrug is heavy, guilt is ridden through my hands and hair and shoulders. Lips go to speak and my eyebrows raise steadily: “How do women do it so much more effectively?”

RADIO THE HOOK UP | SUNDAYS 9PM - 11PM – TRIPLE J 105.5FM REVIEW BY: SEAMUS MULLINS Discussing sex and sexuality is a social faux pas. It plays such an important role within our lives, yet so often we can’t talk about it openly without being judged for being vulgar. Hannah Reilly aims to change that; with Triple J she is hosting the newest program, The Hook Up. Their main tagline is “The Hook Up is all about love… And F*cking!” It is a simple and confronting statement, but has managed to embody the program really well. The program aims to have an open chat, about everything to do with sex, sexuality and love. It does an amazing job of not only educating (my knowledge of STDs has risen dramatically), but also making you feel more comfortable; not only about your own sexuality, but understanding other’s around you too. And all by just having a conversation about topics, which we all so

often avoid for fear of social suicide and rejection. By normalising issues which so many stress and concern over, the show aims to make everyone feel more confident, empowered and self-assured in themselves and their sexuality. Boy, are the topics interesting! From firsts times, digital/online dating, to coming out and one night stands, there is something for everyone. My personal favourite episode being all about masturbation. By the end of the show, all I could think about was getting home and having some personal time to appreciate and love myself, by masturbating. Not only is it educational, empowering and interesting, but it’s incredibly funny, and you would do yourself a big favour (and probably your partner’s too) by listening in on Sunday night from 9-11pm, to Triple J.

MUSIC THE 1975 - I LIKE IT WHEN YOU SLEEP, FOR YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL YET SO UNAWARE OF IT REVIEW BY: CHELSEA ALLEN If there’s ever been an album that can deal with your sex life, your drug addiction, your sexuality, and the loss of a family member all within the space of 180 minutes - then this is it. UK alternative/pop/rock/whatever band The 1975 deliver what they always do, which is everything. From gospel track If I Believe You, to 80’s dance track The Sound, to the heart wrenching almost-instrumental Lost My Head, I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It speaks volumes about the band and the variety of music they can produce. Moving away from the black and white image of debut The 1975, the pastel pink themed iliwysfyasbysuoi (lovingly shortened by fans) debuted at number one in the UK

and US. It comes at no surprise - The 1975 pulled a publicity stunt prior to releasing the album. That is, they disappeared from the internet entirely. Their fans went nuts (including myself ). This, without a doubt, contributed to their spike in popularity, which saw them perform a sell-out show at Thebarton Theatre in January. Of course, I’m biased because they’re my favourite band, but within good reason. The music is different, it make you feel things. It doesn’t restrict itself to a genre at all in fact it jumps between several. I can’t recommend any album more than this one. How does this relate to the sex? The first song on the album is about blowjobs.

RANTSPACE WORDS BY: NOT THE EDS

PORN IS FUCKING US ALL UP I’ve been debating in my mind whether I’m pro or anti porn for a full 3-4 minutes before I started writing this rant. One part of my brain says ‘noooo objectif ication of women’ and the other part says ‘yeaaaa liberation of vaginas’ and I can have this discussion in my mind for hours. Sure, on one side, you’ve got women doing the silliest and craziest of role plays, including some seriously disturbing things (schoolgirls, stepmothers, nuns, lambs???, some other weird shit) and that freaks me out and makes me want to burn the Internet. On the other side, you’ve got women embracing their sexuality, doing with it as they goddamn please even if that means letting a complete stranger do weird things to places no one is supposed to visit, all while asking you who’s your daddy (this Freudian shit will never be cool). Maybe we look down upon porn because it’s not a ‘classy’ form of feminism. Because they make thousands of these movies every year and how commercialised it is has made it a lot less interesting. Maybe that’s why I don’t look at Halle Berry’s sex scenes the same way. But the fact is, if you’ve ever watched amateur porn (or leaked

celebrity sex tapes, horrible, I know) you would know that it takes a ton of effort to make professional porn look the way it does. These actors are exactly that. Actors. I should look at it with a lot more respect. Why don’t I? A certain Ted Bundy quote comes to mind, in his f inal interview before he was executed for murder, rape and necrophilia towards 36+ women: ‘I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography.’ It makes me wonder just how much damage it’s capable of. Neither I nor Bundy are saying that pornography is responsible for the crimes he’s committed, but how would it not play a part in shaping his violent tendencies, or shifting them in a certain direction? When the majority of pornography is centred around the complete control over a woman’s body, it’s bound to do some damage. Not saying that all of you will end up as serial

rapists, but is it a coincidence that all serial rapists are porn enthusiasts? In an ideal world, your average porn f ilm wouldn’t be a guy asking a girl to bend over in a shady barn and/or asking her to make some weird animal sounds (Bestiality porn is a thing. Don’t look it up). It wouldn’t be 10 girls in a haremlike setting submitting to a single male overlord. In an ideal world, feminist porn is a thing where there’s probably actual dialogue and the gaze isn’t standard, basic and repetitive. We could really talk about this for days. But at the end of the day, whether you’re with it or against it, you’re gonna watch it anyway and that’s what makes it magical in a sick, twisted sort of way.

MR STABLES AND MISS L’S CORRESPONDENCES Issue 3 (NSFW Edition): It’s that time of the semester where swinging from the ceiling seems like a plausible out, but even selfasphyxiation won’t allow you to avoid the faculty, who have since began cracking the whip while the dominatrix of assignments forces us to bend over and get ready for submission. much like a modicum of decency in such a show, the original questions are not provided. MASTURBATE OR PROCREATE Kugar – Hi Kugar, I would probably say maybe 5 years either way is an acceptable age range for a relationship. Any more than that then it’s a bit weird, I mean, like 20 years difference is really fucking weird. Imagine that, at one point you’d both be simultaneously sucking tits, but for entirely different reasons. Lad – If you want to get laid just so you can brag to your friends about it, why not catch Uber or a hitch a ride somewhere? I mean, sex is sex, amirite? Aich Eyevee – Tinder is very light and dry material that is used to get a fire going when you don’t have access to matches or the like. It’s commonly used as a fire start up when you’re rubbing wood –for both actual tinder and the mobile phone app.

Martin SHREKelli – I do understand that you’re going through a tough time, but remember to always stay positive, which shouldn’t be too hard since you’re HIV positive and there’s pretty much no cure. Richard Beard – Mr Beard, if you want more sex, I’d probably suggest transferring out of engineering. And I would suggest returning that sex toy; using a sex toy is the mark of a man who has lost all hope. Mr Fister – If your Grandfather had a stroke when you were a kid, I think that it damn well is acceptable that he goes to jail for the rest of his life. You should probably see a therapist as well. Cy the Dry Guy – Hi Cy, I may be able to help out with your want for sex after a 10-year dry period. Be patient and let fate take its course. Animals first started having sex 380 million years ago, but for a period of 30 million years there was a bit of a dry spell where animals evolved to reproduce without having penetrative sex. After that 30 million years animals evolved to having penetrative sex again. Well, some animals did, not you obviously, nor us for that matter.

RUB IT OUT Juan Kerr – I’d suggest getting started on you assignments early. If you leave a 3000 word essay until the night before, chances are you’ll be too busy masturbating yourself dry. You’ll find you’ll wake up in the morning with a sticky assignment and looking like a prune. While you may have finished, your assignment won’t be. Daniel – Daniel, I think that it would not be wise to make smutty and suggestive jokes to your tutor, lest he/she might think you were trying to come onto him/her. And Damn Daniel, at it again with the white van – don’t invite your tutor for a ride in your van, you’ll come off as a bit rapey. Scott, Braggs and Napier – Entering through the back entrance is always the safest way to avoid people. Cardinal – Hi, I’d be careful having kids if I were you. Like the famous Galilean you’re so fond of, you’re walking on very stormy water. Don’t forget though, people remember, especially those you’ve rubbed up the wrong way.

DODGY CRAFTS WITH MADDY AND EM PINCH A NUT (BOWL) WORDS BY: MADDY SEXTON AND EMILY HART ART WORK BY: EMILY HART If you’re poor and can’t afford bowls, you should just make them, and also make shitty jokes about balls. Bowls have held many things in their time but who knows how toxic this clay stuff is so let’s just stick with dry things, like nuts or salt (salty nuts? Gross), or even bobby pins or paper clips if you want to take this into the bedroom/study.

YOU WILL NEED: Craft clay (One block of clay will go pretty far but it depends how many nuts you like in your life. We used Sculpey brand. This is not a sponsored post.) Glitter (This will not be the last time we use glitter so buy up. You can use it as eye shadow in the meantime.) An oven Oven tray Baking paper

1. Preheat your oven according to

your clay instructions. In fact, your clay instructions should have done half our work for us today. We’ll just take a back seat. Also, find a clean surface. This may be difficult – use your oven tray covered in baking paper if you’re really struggling. Clean hands are good too because the clay will absorb any and all fluids (cue gross smile) and specks of dirt.

2. Warm the clay colours you’d like

to use in your hands. You can use just one colour, you can mix colours, or you can even swirl colours together for a psychedelic effect. At this point,

also add some glitter and work it into the clay, and also into your life, because lord knows we all need more glitter. Form your clay into a BALL (gross smile is now a creepy laugh).

3. Now, you get to pinch it. You should have made a pinch pot in primary school so don’t tell us you don’t understand what this means. Start forming a sensational bowl. Make sure if you have a partner that they stand behind you and recreate the Ghost scene for extra sexy points. Or don’t.

Your bowl needs to be a reasonable thickness to stay together and not so thick that it won’t bake properly but do what you feel in your heart. Keep in mind that your bowl needs to withstand the force of many fingers pinching nuts out of it, so it should have a relatively flat base. To achieve this, press the middle of your bowl down onto your flat surface until you’re happy with the way that it stands. You may need to reform the edges of the bowl a bit but who doesn’t love a bit of extra ball (bowl) touching.

4. You can add extra decoration to

your bowl once it has formed using other clay colours. Maddy added a face to ogle your nuts. You should also make an extra couple of bowls because they are good presents for housewarmings or old people.

5. Place your bowls on the baking

paper-covered over tray, and put them into your pre-heated oven for the amount of time prescribed by your clay packet. Let them cool before use – nobody likes burnt finger bowls (this joke is wearing thin). *** If you really do want to eat food from this bowl, you can get yourself some non toxic, all purpose sealer to coat your bowl. If you want it to look shiny but are not using it for food purposes, clear nail polish also works. Craft clay can also be used to make beads, coasters (flat bowls), plates (big flat bowls), dog statuettes etc.