“You know what they say — you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” —Rose Nylund, The Golden Girls
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Vol. II, No. 1 n A Free, Independent Thinkin’ Paper n www.mountainthamesoregon.kom
APRIL 2025
n JOKING WITH THE COMMUNITIES OF MOUNT HOOD n Alder Creek, Brightwood, Cherryville, Firwood, Government Camp, Marmot, Mountain Air Park, Rhododendron, Sandy, Welches, Wemme, Wildwood and Zigzag
MT. HOOD TO HOST UPHILL SKIING TOURNAMENT ON APRIL 1ST By Billy Chill
For The Mountain Times
In a bold move that’s turning heads and skis in the wrong direction, Oregon ski resorts have announced the launch of the state’s newest skiing discipline and the first official Uphill Skiing Tournament. Effective immediately, all resorts will host some slopes that are exclusive to the uphill discipline — no chairlifts, no excuses. “Frankly, we’re tired of gravity doing all the work,” said resort spokesperson Sierra Glidewell. “We’ve mastered downhill and cross country (you know, walking in the snow), so it’s about time skiers put in some actual effort. Plus, the leg cramps are character-building.” Like an even more awkward cousin of crosscountry skiing, uphill skiing will truly put skiers’ bodies to the test. Event competitors will be graded on speed, style, and stamina as they awkwardly shuffle their way uphill, with bonus points awarded for managing to look cool while sweating profusely in ski boots. Participants are encouraged to “French fry” their way up steep inclines or “pizza” their way through icy patches, though resort officials have cautioned against trying to moonwalk with skis on. The new tournament and style of skiing is already dividing the community. Veteran snowboarder “Shred” Carver called the event “totally bogus” and accused resorts of “disrespecting the
sacred art of shredding powder.” Meanwhile, fitness enthusiasts have embraced the challenge, with local ultramarathoner Paige Peak claiming the competition is “the perfect way to combine the thrill of winter sports with the misery of
stair climbing.” Resort staff have been quick to assure skeptics that uphill skiing is a legitimate discipline with a rich history dating back two weeks ago when it was invented as a joke. However, officials are doubling
down on the idea, promising future expansions like reverse sledding, uphill snowboarding, and extreme snow shoveling (using tiny plastic beach shovels). Ski patrols are already being trained to assist participants who become stuck halfway up the mountain, as well as those who simply give up and build snow forts out of frustration. Emergency fondue stations will be placed along key routes to provide moral support and melted cheese or chocolate. Despite the naysayers, some locals are already getting creative. “I’ve been training with ankle weights and uphill rollerblades,” said aspiring champion Lars Snowton. “I’m ready to be the Usain Bolt of skiing ... but in reverse.” And you may ask, what is the grand prize of the Uphill Skiing Tournament? A year’s supply of energy bars and a golden ski pole trophy, which winners will be expected to carry uphill as an additional handicap for future events. While skeptics predict the event will be a short-lived flop, others see it as a symbol of Oregon’s quirky outdoor spirit. “If we can make hiking in the rain fashionable, we can definitely make uphill skiing the next big thing,” said Glidewell. Registration opens this week, though resort officials warn that slots are filling up fast, mostly due to confused tourists who thought they were signing up for a spa package. Ready, set... shuffle!
Mr. and Mrs. Sasquatch Celebrate 314th Anniversary By Billy Chill
For The Mountain Times
In a world where happy marriages are almost as rare as bigfoot, Mr. and Mrs. Sasquatch are setting the gold standard for commitment, celebrating their 314th wedding anniversary on April 1st. The couple, who have lived in seclusion on Mt. Hood since before Oregon was a state, territory, or or even a concept, attribute their longevity to a steady diet of foraged mushrooms, river-caught salmon, and an unwavering refusal to ‘get with the
times…’ except when it comes to The Mountain Times Newspaper, which is their favorite source of local news and information. “Marriage is all about compromise,” Mr. Sasquatch grunted during a rare interview. “For instance, I like to patrol the forest at night, letting out terrifying howls, while she prefers to stay home and weave intricate nests out of tree branches. We’ve learned to respect each other’s passions.” The couple met in the early 1700s when Mrs. Sasquatch, a young bache-
lorette at the time, left her family den in search of a partner. “I saw him lurking awkwardly behind a cedar tree, and I knew he was the one,” she reminisced. “It was the way he avoided eye contact and shuffled away when I approached. Just so mysterious.” Over the centuries, they have faced many challenges, including the arrival of Lewis and Clark, an increase in campers and hikers, and the invention of high-tech cameras. Still, their See SQUATCH LOVE Page29