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: D D TE E N H IZ IO IG R T R HO BU PY T I O U TR C T A IS O D N R FO

Contents Introduction Chapter 1 9

Getting Farted: The Fundamentals of Floated Biscuits Chapter 2

Toot Taxonomy: Know Your Farts C h a p t e r 3

Gas Class: Basic Techniques for Shaking Cheeks

Chapter 4 89

Master Blasting: Advanced Skills for Stink Supremacy F. A . P. U .

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Frequently Asked PU Questions

: D D TE E N H IZ IO IG R T R HO BU PY T I O U TR C T A IS O D N R FO

Chapter One

“ You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.” Louis C.K.

Getting Farted T h e F u n d a m e n t a l s o f

F loat e d B i s c u i t s What exactly is a fart? How is it made? Why don’t we talk about them more often? Who smelt it? And who exactly dealt it? Why are they so funny? These questions have plagued humankind for centuries. But not to worry, the answers found on the following pages should provide a solid foundation for your gas mastery—a liberal farts education, if you will. 12

: D D TE E N H IZ IO IG R T R HO BU PY T I O U TR C T A IS O D N R FO

What Is a Fart?

Why Is a Fart Called a “Fart”?

In literal terms, a fart is a mixture of gases that are by-products of the digestive process, which are expelled through the rectum. (Leave it to science to make farts boring.)

“Fart” is more than just a vulgar four-letter word that starts with F. The word “fart” is both a noun and a verb and, believe it or not, is one of the oldest words in the English vocabulary. The root of this toot can be traced back to around a.d. 500 with the Old High German word ferzan. Similar words are also found in Old Norse, Slavic, Greek, and even Sanskrit.

In more metaphorical terms, a fart is a remarkable explosion of gas that’s also an explosion of emotion, culture, biology, and even history. A fart is a reminder of both our animal biology and the interconnection of our social selves. In other words, farts connect the people of the world. Even before mankind existed, farts persisted. Early primates and even earlier dinosaurs farted. Some scientists actually believe dinosaur farts may have caused the global warming that led to their extinction. And before life itself ever existed, farts were there. The Big Bang can be regarded as the universe’s original fart. But we’re not here to speculate; we’re here to educate you on farts, and more specifically, on your own farts. Homo sapiens have farted their way through history since before we even knew we had a history. And although female Homo sapiens have denied it, they, too, have farted. Today, millions of years later, all humans, from the moment they’re born, continue to fart on a daily basis. It’s the circle of life. That’s what a fart is. 14

The medical term for this magical mixture of gas is flatus and the act is technically called flatulence. But we believe in the word “fart” as much as we believe in the act itself. It’s older, shorter, and practically onomatopoetic (it sounds like the thing it’s describing). So, from this page on, we will be putting our focus solely on farts and leave flatulence to the ivory towers. Would a fart by any other name smell so stank? We think not.

Fart Fact Humans fart, on average, ten to fourteen times a day (and night). This results in about 2.5 pints or 40 ounces of actual gas (and gives new meaning to the song “40oz. to Freedom”).

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What Is in a Fart?

Blowing in the Wind

Unseen by the naked eye, farts are about one-half cup of a gas cocktail, mixed fresh by the bartender in your belly. Farts have an average temperature of 98.6 degrees (typically the same temperature as the farter) and are comprised of common gases like nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, oxygen, and occasionally methane. After that, it’s a lineup of stink suspects: sulphur, hydrogen sulfide, methanethiol, dimethyl sulfide, skatole, ammonia, and indole.

“ Passing gas is necessary to well-being.” H i p p o c r at e s , t h e fat h e r o f w e s t e r n m e d i c i n e , ca . 400 B . C .

The combined relative proportions of these gases depend on: what you ate, how much air you swallowed, what kinds of bacteria you have in your intestines, and how long you hold in the fart.

Nitrogen: 20–90% Carbon Dioxide: 10–30% Hydrogen: 0–50% Ox yg e n : 0 – 1 0 % Methane: 0–10%

Fart Fact Though it’s likely full of hot air, there’s some (dubious) evidence that ancient Romans believed in Crepitus, the god of farts and all things gassy. Not to be outdone, ancient Greeks were known to compare the sound of thunder to that of celestial flatulence—pretty awesome, even gods fart.

OTHER TR AC E A MOUNTS

Farting is a fact of life—even Mrs. Garrett, Jo, Blair, and Tootie fart. (How else did she get that name?) Farting is your body’s way of getting rid of unwanted gas from your colon, unwanted pressure from your intestines, and unwanted people from your general area. If you are a healthy human being, farting is as much a part of your everyday life as eating and breathing. In fact, eating and breathing are the main gas generators.

2 . B r e at h i n g

The air swallowed into the digestive tract

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Why Do We Fart?

Air in means air out. The fancy-pants name is aerophagia, and it comes from eating rapidly, chewing gum, smoking, and wearing ill-fitting dentures. The result of any and all of these is more wind in said fancy pants.

1 . Eat i n g

The breakdown of undigested food

When your body does not digest certain carbohydrates, bacteria in the large intestine consume the food and produce gas in the process. (Thus, in some sense, you don’t create these farts, the little organisms inside you do.)

Fart Fact Fart Fact Only one in three people produce farts that contain methane. Methane comes from the archaea microorganisms found in the human gut. While methane does not necessarily change the frequency of the farts, it can affect their smell and potentially their flammability (see page 101).

While herring have been studied for decades, their farting ability was discovered only a few years ago. Dr. Ben Wilson of the Scottish Association for Marine Science, Scottish Marine Institute, discovered these fish farts while doing research in Canada. His groundbreaking study suggests that fish communicate by breaking wind. He named this phenomenon the Herring FRT (Dr. Wilson admits, “I couldn’t think of an appropriate word for the A, so it became FRT”—an acronym for Fast Repetitive Tick).

: D D TE E N H IZ IO IG R T R HO BU PY T I O U TR C T A IS O D N R FO

1 . C ONSUME Chuck some food and drink into your piehole and chew. Chewing and producing saliva help break down the food you eat into manageable pieces so you don’t choke when you swallow.

2 . SW A LLOW The chewed-up food—and some air—then travel from your mouth through your throat (aka pharynx) and into your esophagus. The esophagus is basically a muscular tube that pushes the food to your stomach.

Once the chewed-up food enters your stomach, it gets churned about while being blasted with proteindigesting enzymes and strong acids that help break the food down into a semi-liquidy mess called chyme. This then travels into your small intestine, where the majority of digestion and absorption take place.

3 . D IGEST

Where Do Farts Come From? After “Where do babies come from?” and “Who let the dogs out?” this is the most common question in the world. The answer takes us on a quick tour through the amazing world of your digestive system. Please put on your protective eyewear, and join us on this journey.

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4 . B REW Whatever waste is left over then moves into your large intestine, where it ferments as it gets sorted into liquids and solids. This fermentation process also brews intense gas (yes, you literally brew farts) that gets absorbed by the body or . . .

Any excess gas quickly travels through your rectum and then out your anus (aka blowhole). Sweet relief!

5 . RELE A SE

Burps

Belching is your body’s other way of releasing gas from the digestive system. Although they seem similar, burps and farts are not closely related—they’re second cousins at best. While the main difference is (hopefully) obvious— farts are expelled from the bottom and burps are expelled from the top—many other differences set them apart. A fart’s gas originates from your large intestine while a burp’s gas comes primarily from your stomach and esophagus. A burp causes a vibration of the upper esophageal sphincter while a fart causes a vibration of the anal sphincter. The only similarities, however, are the aftereffects, which include physical relief and hysterical laughter. (Although in our research, farts have proved to be quantifiably funnier.)

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Farts

What Foods Make the Most Gas?

Because no two digestive systems are identical, there are no hard and flatus rules on what foods will make you fart. But there are some general guidelines. 1 . H i g h - ca r b o h y d r at e f o o d s p r o d u c e h i g h volumes of gas

The most infamous olfactory offenders, such as beans, cabbage, and broccoli, all contain an indigestible carbohydrate called raffinose—aka nature’s revenge. In addition, natural sugars like fructose and sorbitol, both found naturally in fruits and unnaturally in sweeteners, and most of all in starches and soluble fibers, all produce more poots. It’s ironic that the healthiest foods are, in fact, the gassiest. Therefore, we can only conclude that it’s health-smart to fart. And that Mother Nature is a fan of farts, too.

Fart Fact

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Italian Michele Forgione (aka Rutt Mysterio) achieved the longest burp on June 16, 2009. His burp lasted 1 minute, 13 seconds, 57 milliseconds. Bernard Clemmens of London holds the record for the longest fart with an officially recorded time of 2 minutes, 42 seconds. So take that, burps.

In New Zealand, livestock farmers must pay a “fart tax” in a governmental attempt to reduce their greenhouse emissions— aka cow farts. Although livestock do in fact account for about 20 percent of global methane emission, scientists agree that it’s livestock burps, not farts, that contribute to these emissions. Another win for farts over burps.