Issuu

The

Davids-Onion

A full issue of satire, please do not take anything seriously *All names in the issue are of fake people except for some authors

inside

davidsonian.ourwebsitestilldoesnotwork

McKinley Lettre ‘24 confrims that all Davidson social stereotypes are true

December 13, 2023

Mills Jordan ‘25 proposes an addition to the party scene: Bouncers

Frisbee or Fat Friend? DUFF takes center stage for winter sports

Volume 122, Issue 10

Maddie O’Toole ‘26 profiles Nummit, reflects on her time wasted there

Political Science Majors Give Insight on Success

ABBY BRISSET ‘26 (SHE/HER) NEWS EDITOR SOFIA CIMBALLA ‘26(SHE/HER) SENIOR STAFF WRITER The following transcript was taken from interviews of political science majors conducted outside Chambers Academic building. Each student interviewed was asked the same questions, and then to reply to a poll; they were instructed to only answer the questions asked, but gave their opinion on many issues, and then began asking us rhetorical questions.

had NPC ‘23 (“No, I don’t smoke, I might work for the government someday.”) Q: What made you want to be a political science major? A: Pretty niche, but I loved The West Wing in middle school. *laughs.* I know that’s weird. I’ve always wanted to be like Josh Lyman. Q: What are you thinking about doing this summer? A: I’m actually working with Joe Manchin. He and my dad are golf buddies – but he didn’t even know that when he looked at my application. Q: What frat are you in? A: KSig. They’re pretty liberal when compared to SAE; have you seen how many of them hang out at Nummit? Q: What about Davidson’s program spoke to you? A: My ED school rejected me. Q: What school was that? A: Uh…Georgetown. This program called SFS? Q: Yeah, we’re aware. You’re the fifth student we’ve interviewed. Thaddeus Something ‘25 (Only consented to being interviewed if anonymity was secured – is trying to get into Davidson in Washington and the Matthews Center recommended he stay under the radar. Despite this, he asked us to plug his

LinkedIn four times. He has pro, so he’ll know if you stalk.) Q: What are your thoughts on having minimum wage? A: Well – that’s a tough question. There are a lot of different sides to that complicated issue. When I took ECON101, the professor explained that we actually need unemployment to have a healthy economy, and so there just have to be homeless people. I don’t know what to say. Someone’s gotta do it; it’s good for everyone. There’s also this thing called supply and demand, but that’s a little too much for right now. Q: So, about affirmative action – A: Nice try. TRAP. Q: Who did you support in the 2020 democratic primaries? A: Joe Biden. The whole way. But, uh, I was Bloomberg-curious for a second, if I’m honest. Ashleigh Hightop ‘24 (Moderate political science major torn between a career as a conservative pundit or a girl who hangs out at Nummit) Q: How do you get your news? A: Well, I feel it’s important to look at a variety of sources and be well informed, so I have both the Wall Street Journal App and Fox News App. Q: What is it like being a woman in the Political Science Department? A: Honestly, it’s been such a great and rewarding experience. I’m really just one of the guys! They’re so direct and honest with me, and it makes me feel like I’m really just a part of the brotherhood. And I mean, they only ever speak over me if I’m wrong! So, really they’ve made me so much better. #I’mwithher Q: What IR Theory would you use to describe yourself? A: I’m so glad you asked! This is actually a concept I’m developing for my thesis. It’s inspired by Ronald Reagan: Realismkindness.

Davidson College classics major impersonating a political science major. Photo from Jackson Renfro ‘24 Matthews Center Special: Advice from a grad! What NOT to do if you ever want to survive a Senate confirmation hearing without crying: NEVER send out SAE “Champagne and Shackles” email DON’T BE weirdly over enthusiastic about Davidson streak DON’T ever live in a first floor F apartment NO PICTURES @ toga party Oops improv

Each student was asked to also rate 10 values in an order from most important (1) to least (10). This figure represents the average of how they voted. 1 - A viable, competitive, fierce, independent economy (100%) 2345678910 - taxing the rich (100%)

Students Find Love, Dissapointment on Yik Yak KATE SPENCER ‘24 (SHE/HER)

avidson students are increasingly turning to the Yik Yak app instead of traditional dating apps to find love. The app, which could be described as an anonymous Twitter, made its mark on campus culture for its funny jokes and relatable posts. Today, students are using the platform to look for a partner in Davidson’s notoriously tiny and onerous dating scene. One student, Dixy Normous ‘24, described the difficulties facing students looking for their person to kiss by the Old Well. “They say 40% of Davidson students will meet their future spouse at Davidson, but as I enter my spring semester of senior year my window of opportunity seems smaller and smaller,” Normous said. “The campus is just

so small, and I don’t want to marry someone’s sloppy seconds, but at this point aren’t we all sloppy seconds?” “If you don’t snatch someone up during freshman year, you might as well accept your fate of becoming a spinster,” said Amanda Fillerup ‘25. Students have used apps such as Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble in the past, but these come with their own drawbacks. “I’ve tried Tinder, but who wants to deal with seeing their matches in Commons?” Fillerup said. “Guys you meet on that app, they are looking for a different kind of deep connection,” Normous said. Mike Hawk, a super senior in the Kappa Sigma fraternity, told the Davidsonian, “The apps are good if you want to hit it and quit it,

but there’s definitely no ‘wifeys’ there.” However, Mike Hawk who has the selfproclaimed EQ of a house plant said he would continue using the apps because quote “all girls are the same.” For those students who haven’t thrown in the towel yet on Davidson dating, the Yik Yak app poses a unique alternative with the potential for great success. A pair of recent alumni, Mona Lott ‘20 and Ader Titsof ‘21, who first met on Yik Yak now have a wedding date set for May. “Ader posted on Yik Yak that he thought I was pretty, it was equally off-putting and arousing to know I had an anonymous admirer,” Lott said. When asked why he used Yik Yak to pursue Mona, Titsoff explained, “It’s basically zerorisk if shooting my shot ends up as an airball.

And bro… girls are scary.” The anonymity of the app also allows wildcats to be completely frank about what they prefer in a partner. Wildcats looking for dominant women, submissive men, or the ever-enchanting goth girls have found good company and their dream match through Yik Yak. “I’ve been single my entire life, and when I posted on YikYak about how much I love goth girls I immediately received a direct message from my now girlfriend,” Ben Dover ‘26 said. “I just want her to kick me in the face with her platform Doc Martens… I thank God for her every day.” One user who preferred to stay anonymous said he found his dream domme woman

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

News

Senior Found to Have Violated Honor Code, Lacks Commitment ANIKA BANERJEE ‘24 (SHE/HER) CO-EDITOR IN CHEIF KATE SPENCER ‘24 (SHE/HER)

avidson College Admissions boasts their students ability to multitask. Balancing anywhere from 2 extracurricular activities to 10, Davidson students can do it all. But who is really checking whether or not they are doing what they say they are? Dallas Rizzler ‘24 a double English and political science major and writer for the Davidsonian, Treasurer of Model UN, Vice President of Anime Club, Secretary of Mock Trial, Member of German Club, Student Liaison for Qdoba, Nummit barista, Rusk cowboy, and Chief Tattle Tale for Honor Council seemingly did it all. While his curriculum vitae left little to be desired, the presidents of these clubs believe that Rizzler’s lack of contributions to these clubs was either a result of him biting off more than he could chew, or he falsified all of his accomplishments. After a grueling investigation from Campus Police and Delta Force’s SIU (Special Investigation Unit), Rizzler was found guilty on 9 counts of extracurricular fraud. As of November 25th, Rizzler’s graduate admission from Harvard was rescinded, and his parents disowned him. In lieu of dropping out, he decided to actually go to his nummit shifts to make ends meet. “Despite the fact that he spends 90% of his shift queuing 100 gecs and Kanye, he still gets the $15 dollar salary, plus tips!” said Hugh Jass ‘25, Nummit manager. “Because of his laziness, we put him in charge of cleaning the kitchen. But his lack of care made our health rating go from 73 to 69!” President of Model UN, Dixon Cider ‘24, felt strange when Rizzler never came to a single meeting. “He put on a great campaign to be elected Treasurer, after he won, we never saw him again. Without him managing budgets, we became bankrupt. If you are reading this Rizzler, you are the reason the student activities shut down Model UN,” said Cider. Sharing a similar sentiment, student

manager for Anime Club, Aneed MoHead ‘26, said that she submitted a student of concern report because of Rizzler’s constant absence. “I was worried. He never came, I texted him and he would not respond. I reported him as a student of concern, but then I see him DJ-ing every Walt event… What’s that about?” said MoHead. The Honor Council has also seen the consequences of Rizzler’s lack of commitment. Honor Council alumni advisor, Ligma Bawls ‘74 reported a significant decline in honor council violations since Rizzler stepped into the position. “The tattle taler position is crucial,’’ said Bawls. “How else are we supposed to know who is using Chat BCG!” Rizzler’s Co-Student Liaison for Qdoba, Tess Tickles ‘27, expressed that she left Rizzler in charge of washing the lettuce. After not showing up, but saying he did the work, the lettuce was served to the students. “He started one of the biggest E coli outbreaks on a college campus since University of Arkansas! This isn’t Chipotle! Rizzler is an embarrassment,” said Tickles. Rizzler was supposed to write this article, but could not even commit to that. After a YikYak was posted about Rizzler on October 28, 2023, the truth began to unfold. The Yak read “Is DR on the wrestling team? In a group project with him, and he does not do ANYTHING.” Along with receiving 189 upvotes, multiple replies identified the comment to be about Rizzler, and people began to share common experiences. When Bawls downloaded YikYak, he was looking to see if people were admitting to violating the honor code, but when he saw that Rizzler was repeating this behavior elsewhere, it was the honor code violation of his dreams. “We got him! This is what the college needed, nothing keeps students in check like seeing a fellow peer punished by other students. Getting Campus Police and Delta involved was just the cherry on top!” said Bawls. Rizzler had done what few students dared

Despite having a resume that did not fit the Career Center guidelines, he was allowed to use Handshake. Graphic by Anika Banerjee to do, lied to get ahead. He almost got away with it too, YikYak’s anonymous presence has not only made students feel comfortable finding love, but has also given them a

platform to air dirty laundry. When asked to comment, Rizzler declined.

Yik Yak Reaches New Audience within Davidson CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 through the app. They just don’t have profile settings for that kind of stuff on the other apps,” the anonymous user reported. “I posted I was looking for a submissive man and had three guys in my DM’s within the minute,” said Ivana Humpalot, a senior in the Warner eating house. For all its successes, YikYak-escapades have gone awry.“I was messaging someone on YikYak for over a month, I didn’t know their identity, but I could feel myself falling in love,” Drew Peacock ‘27 said. “We seemed to get along so well, and I thought we should meet and have our own “love is blind” moment.” Peacock began to grow distraught when retelling their first encounter in person, “As they approached our agreed meeting spot, I realized I had been messaging my cousin this entire time.” Besides the downsides to dating on an anonymous app, the success stories outnumber incest stories. Lott and Titsoff are anxiously awaiting their big date, and said “We plan to incorporate YikYaks into our vows.” Humpalot testifies, “These guys aren’t joking when they say they will be my submissive boyfriends like this app is for real.” Even Drew Peacock explained, “Despite the discomfort, my cousin and I are now closer than ever.”

Yik Yak, a pseudonymous social media app, has been utilized as a new dating platform. Graphic by Stella Mackler

Features

Investigation Into Student Organizations, Stereotypes Confirmed From Warner to Walt

MCKINLEY LETTRE ‘24 (SHE/HER) NEWS EDITOR

avidson resembles a high school in many ways: everybody knows each other’s business, numerous student musicians, and, most notably, the cliquiness of the student body. The range of cliques is diverse. We have the typical Lululemon girls and indie boys, but Davidson’s cliques cannot be encapsulated in such narrow categories. We at the Davidsonian set out to investigate the multitudes of exclusive groups inhabiting our campus. Fraternities and eating houses are great ways to make friends and get really drunk on Warner’s dime. These organizations also divide students into recognizable categories. “Sometimes I see someone, and I can just tell they’re a Fiji, even if I don’t know them,” said a former Fiji sweetheart. “They just have a certain aura to them.” Sometimes, however, PCC organizations are so large that cliques form within them. “Wait, there are nonners in Connor?” asked one lacrosse player. One of the most notorious inter-clique battles is between the boys who live in the SAE hosting apartment and the ones who live in the KSig apartment. The two groups frequently clash over what type of music they are going to force the entirety of Martin Court to listen to. “I don’t understand why everyone was so mad that we decided to play EDM at 11 AM on a Saturday,” an SAE lamented. “What better way to start your day than a house remix of the Spongebob theme song?” “We like to set ourselves apart from the crowd. We’re not like other boys: we play die while listening to Zach Bryan,” said a

Classic middle school cliques. Photo from Stereotypes of Cliques Fandom KSig, who got Bozeman, Montana as his Spotify Wrapped city. Frat boys aren’t the only ones who subject all of campus to their music: acapella groups are just as guilty. According to the Admission’s Office, Davidson has the lowest student to acapella group ratio in the country. “I was being recruited by a few colleges for acapella,” said Al Coholic, a member of one of Davidson’s 53 acapella groups.

“I was drawn to Davidson because I love that we get to heavily pregame all our performances.” Some cliques have elaborate hazing rituals their members must go through before initiation. For example, to get into the crunchy outdoorsy granola group, pledges must go to class barefoot for a week and figure out how to solve climate change without drastically changing any of their behavior.

“Pledging was tough, but now I have a great group of friends to fill the seats at my ENV capstone presentation,” says Dick Craven, a member of the group. One of the most controversial cliques on campus is the scooter riders. Though the administration, as well as a large percentage of the student population, has criticized scooter use, the group finds their membership is only growing. “It’s been a really great year for us,” said Ben Dover ‘24, president of the scooter clique and captain of the football team. “We only caused 8 scooter related collisions and 14 scooter related injuries this year. That’s a 27% decrease from the year before.” No article about cliques would be complete without mentioning Davidson’s most notorious cult: Nummit baristas. “We’re a family at Nummit,” said Anita Lay, head manager. “That’s why it takes so long to get you your coffee—we’re just gossiping behind the counter.” “I had six years of barista experience when I applied to Nummit,” said Stu Pididiot. “They rejected my application because I ‘didn’t fit the vibe.’” “All our applicants must have tattoos, multiple piercings, and an entirely thrifted wardrobe to be considered,” explained Lay. Some appreciate the cliquiness of Davidson. “I already know everyone at this school, so I only hang out with the people I actually like,” explained one sophomore. “Plus, I like knowing I have a solid group of people to comment on my ‘scenes from exit 30’ end of semester photo dump.”

Crime Log Time

Description/Location

12/03/23 02:15 hrs

Breaking and Entering — Former President Suspected

12/05/23 10:00 hrs

Trespassing and Stolen Property — Wall Lab Rats Escape into Commons

12/05/23 17:00 hrs

Theft — Cocaine Stolen from Wall Labs

04/05/23 11:25 hrs

Illegal Contraban and Damaging Property — Student Snuck Keg through Window

12/08/23 12:02 hrs 12/12/23 01:43 hrs

President’s Home, Further Investigation

Wall/Commons, Student Arrest

Wall, Further Investigation

Armfield Apartments, Further Investigation

37 Counts of Steaking — Naked Students Running around Campus Library, Students under Questioning

Mail Fraud, Impersonation — Outlook Email Chain Makes People Feel Unsafe Chambers, Further Investigation

Perspectives

The Year of the Bouncer Why We Need To Create Rigorous Qualifications for Bouncers at F, Now. MILLS JORDAN ‘25 (HE/HIM)

or most of our history, Davidson College has stood out for its exceptional record of preparing young leaders to serve as lawyers, doctors, and clergy. In more recent decades, our graduates have even climbed the ranks of Wall Street and Silicon Valley, earning us the title of “The Harvard of Northern Mecklenburg County.” Thanks to our liberal arts education, Davidson students possess the potential to become dynamic leaders at the avant-garde of a changing world. In this spirit, as the 2023-2024 year reaches its midway point, I dare say a new generation of Davidson leaders is emerging. Decades from now, we will look back to this as the “The Year of the Bouncer.” The world is transforming rapidly. Generative AI has altered our conception of productivity. Social media challenges past notions of what it means to be in relation to other humans. All the while, for Davidson students, one generational shift stands above all others: the rise of F. Armfield Court, known as “F” in student vernacular, is the storied site of Gatsbyesque parties, a sound gallery of our age’s finest music, and the fateful birthplace of marriages to be. After a lull during the COVID-19 pandemic, F has now transcended to reach a full form never before seen. For Davidson students, F is no longer just a place to visit, but rather a state of mind to inhabit. If Mansa Musa had Timbuktu and Socrates had the Agora, then we have F. Undergirding each great societal transformation, there are leaders and innovators whose momentary decisions

forever alter the trajectory of the world itself. Today, the blueprints of Henry Ford still dot our roadways and pollute our atmosphere just as the fingerprints of Mark Zuckerburg shape our elections. As F emerges as a critical formative institution at Davidson, we must ensure our increasingly influential leaders are cut out for this historical moment. Hence, “The Year of The Bouncer”. Now that I have situated F within its historical context, it is time to talk about next steps. Despite its grandeur, the F of today is not sustainable. Apartment rooms are becoming increasingly cramped and overheated, threatening not only the safety of students but the very survival of Armfied as an institution. Only our heroic bouncers can change this. They alone possess the power to steer F, and our future, in a better direction. Bouncers are those brave souls who spend each weekend night monitoring the flow of revelers in and out of apartment rooms. These martyr-like figures sacrifice their own enjoyment of F so that others may build lasting memories and character. They are not merely bodies at the door, but rather arbiters of justice, gatekeepers of enjoyment, sages in a tumultuous era. As a student body, we must ensure only bouncers of the highest caliber become certified to fulfill this essential role. The stakes could not be higher. I propose a list of qualifications to guarantee that only the finest, most noble, and divinely destined individuals are bestowed with this immense responsibility as a bouncer. These qualifications will embody a wide range of talents, trials, and tribulations that reach to the core of excellence.

1. Ride a scooter with no hands 2. Consume 2 Nummit pitchers of Angry Orchard in under 3 minutes 3. Fly 4. Fashionably sport pit viper sunglasses and a black muscle tee 5. Sing soprano in a Davidson Delilahs acapella performance 6. Identify Commons scoopie flavors blindfolded at a 93% accuracy rate 7. Dismantle capitalism 8. Step into an OOPS improv performance at a moments’ notice 9. Lead any group of five individuals to an intramural Flickerball championship 10. Bicep curl five cases of lukewarm Keystone 11. Maintain a minimum of 10 listeners for a 24-hour WALT radio show 12. Endure two hours of waterboarding torture 13. Unanimously win Battle of The Bands with only a ukulele and xylophone

If these qualifications seem nearly impossible to attain, it is because they are. Exceptional responsibility requires exceptional people. I hope our student body recognizes the historicity of our present moment and will consider implementing this rigorous, but necessary, selection process. If we come together, the Davidson Class of 2099 may just look back at “The Year of The Bouncer” as the year in which the greatness of Davidson, and F, became cemented permanently into the etchings of time.

Life on (The Pines at) Davidson’s Grounds JONATHAN LEE ‘76

hat’s Crackin’ Davidson? My name is Johnathan Lee ‘76 and it has been great to be back at Davidson. After auditing a class on campus this semester, learning more about your perspectives as students in the classroom, I wanted to offer a bit of perspective into what my life is like. It has officially been one year since the love of my life Mary Saunders ‘78 and I have moved into the prestigious retirement community The Pines at Davidson. We got the call that we had been taken off the waitlist (somebody had croaked) and we immediately packed up the Lexus SUV then hit the road. Mary and I had to split the drive from New York (upstate-ish) across 3 days because we can no longer drive at night comfortably. Our vision is not what it used to be and the headlights at night come as a surprise every time. Gone are the days of driving the Shaggin’ Wagon all the way down in one day… You can laugh, but it will happen to you before you know it. Anyways, I just thought I’d offer some new perspective that is unlike anyone you have had on campus. The Pines is very exclusive, but if I’m being honest, it is not as exclusive as some more established retirement communities in the Northeast. That does not bother me all that much because it feels just like one of those fancy historic retirement communities,

but in the South. In my mind, The Pines at Davidson is a hidden gem. Those who know it think highly of it, I swear. For the most part, I do enjoy my time at The Pines. Don’t get me started with the land it’s on. The Pines’ property is gorgeous. It is 150 acres of natural and constructed beauty. I think it manages to pull this off by maintaining the natural wildlife: both flora and fauna. A fun fact about The Pines supporting this claim is that it has Level 1 Arboretum accreditation (don’t mean to brag). However, I am a bit worried that we may lose this accreditation because there are whispers of a new aerobic fitness center being built. The current plans have it being built all over a large section of trees. All we do is walk and lift five-pound dumbbells, so it really oughtn’t take up that much space? But The Pines is so much more than the space it occupies. Let me tell you a bit about my fellow residents. The overwhelming number of people here are very friendly, but there are a few here or there that I don’t get along with. They often talk about their highschool days in Greenwich or their college days here. This is fine, but not at the frequency they bring it up. Or they’re talking about which exotic place they went to on vacation with their entire extended family. Their parents were part of The Pines inaugural resident group in 1988. Part of me thinks that they only got to join The Pines because of that fact. I mustn’t be too harsh, as this is a generalization. These are not the words of a

man that Davidson challenged me to be. Let me be clear, I also have friends whose parents were also residents here that deserve to be at The Pines much more than I. As I have said, I’m still pretty new to The Pines, so I am not so worried about my plans beyond my time here. However, many friends that I have made here are much older, and will have to find a different community that suits their geriatric needs. I know someday soon that will be me, and that scares me quite a bit. In my mind, life ends once you leave The Pines (sometimes figuratively, other times not). I really don’t know what Mary and I are going to do after this, we spent most of our time just focused on working hard to get into The Pines. Now, we have to shift our focus on what we do post-Pines, while still trying to enjoy our time here. I’m worried that we’ll have to move in with our family. This is the last thing I want to do because I don’t want to put that strain on my children. I changed their diapers, they shouldn’t be changing mine. It would just be a bit embarrassing. I know Betty moved home for a year after The Pines, before finding a suitable community, so maybe it is not so bad. Don’t get me wrong I do love The Pines at Davidson, but there is just one more gripe. Included in the already high costs of living here (which I can comfortably afford), is a mandatory dining option at The Pines. I don’t mind too much, as there are five different restaurants/eateries on site, but it feels rather

limiting. T h e t o w n of Davidson has many great restaurants: ones that I can afford on a consistent basis, but I imagine are far too expensive for you. So much for a College Town, eh? Don’t worry you can retire here and then enjoy it. I digress. But, I do feel that this requirement forces me to stay within these 150 acres of The Pines. All in all, moving to The Pines at Davidson is the best decision I’ve made. I can interact with young people if I take a class on Davidson’s campus, take in the beautiful nature, and make new friends my age as well. I’d highly recommend putting your name down on the waitlist now, so that you’ll have the option when the time comes. There really is nothing better than living in the college-town-esque place that is Davidson!

Sports

DUFF: Nobody Knows Who They Are, But They Continue to Amaze

academic schedule, with preferences given to those with interests in physics or a capella. A certain degree of innocence, symbolized by the condition of virginity, is also highly prized – perhaps as a testament to the purity of their frisbee endeavors. Alternatively, membership is open to those belonging to the silent majority on campus, the unsung heroes who prefer the solace of their own thoughts to the clamor of social activities. It’s not just about playing frisbee; it’s about embracing a lifestyle, a code, and a commitment to throwing plastic discs in ways that defy both gravity and social norms. DUFF’s commitment to making their presence known on campus takes a peculiar turn during Placement Day. As the newly inducted freshmen embark on the revered tradition of Drommons, DUFF boys strategically position themselves in the corner. Their mission? To stare at the inebriated freshmen girls in a way that’s totally not weird at all, cementing their status as the enigmatic connoisseurs of b-list club sports and questionable social tactics. Despite clearly being a b-list team, DUFF takes itself seriously. The team is proud of its two and a half hour practices, notwithstanding the fact that they were forced to use the varsity sport castoffs. (Seriously, who travels to the outskirts of campus to practice on a ‘field’ that can only be described as spray-painted dirt until 10 PM? Not a varsity team, that’s for sure). Fortunately, Commons staff members report that these tribulations don’t stop DUFF. “The entire team travels en masse to Commons every Friday,” one server told our reporter. “Yes,” replied another, “they squeeze around a tiny table and look longingly at the rows of tables occupied by the football team. It’s really quite sad.” This team is proud to play the sport that is America’s pastime. Wait, sorry, I was talking about football. DUFF is proud to continue throwing their pieces of plastic on the sidelines while dreaming of one day becoming a varsity sport.

VIRGINIA BARBER ‘26 (SHE/HER)

t’s a classic American sport, involving throwing and catching an object in the hopes of scoring in the endzone and beating your opponent. I am talking, of course, about the universally loved and admired sport of ultimate frisbee. Ultimate frisbee is apparently the hottest trend at Davidson – so hot that precisely zero individuals have caught on to its competitive allure. However, rumors circulate that a select few may have pledged their allegiance to the frisbee gods in an obscure blood oath ceremony just to join the team. The world of ultimate frisbee at Davidson is, indeed, a clandestine affair, known only to those who have willingly surrendered their souls or those who got an email with something about Edward Scissorhands, wine, and French patriotism. It’s like the world’s best-kept secret, hidden in plain sight, or perhaps, hidden behind the enigmatic allure of DUFF fashion statements. “I thought they were just making sure everyone knew they were the Designated Ugly Fat Friend of their group,” whispered an anonymous student, perplexed by the DUFF sweatshirt phenomenon. “They don’t even look athletic! I had no idea it had anything to do with a sport.” Undeterred by the fact that frisbee isn’t made any more fun by adding an ultimate in front of it — and in spite of the urge to bully themselves for playing it — DUFF persists. With three consecutive seasons of chanting “this is our year” followed by a spectacular display of disappointing their two (2) devoted fans at Regionals, they embody the spirit of true champions – or at least, true optimists. To become an esteemed member of the DUFF brotherhood, one must navigate a selective checklist, akin to a quest for the holy grail of frisbee fandom. Candidates must have a rigorous

Davidson Streakers to Run in 2024 Olympics

CAMERON KRAKOWACK ‘24 (HE/HIM)

he annual Davidson scream/streak is a campus-wide tradition that most Davidson’s students are committed to. Students from all grades partook in the screaming and the streaking this semester, many of whom have been training for months for this occasion. A massive crowd of four hundred students came out to the library to scream their lungs out in anticipation of finals. However, students were not the only ones there excited to see the speed of Davidson’s streakers, but a large group of USA Track & Field scouts from the collegiate level came out to check the speed of some of the students. One scout, Dash Hurry, was elated to see the speed and discipline that the Davidson streakers had: “I have never in my 48 years of being a Division I scout seen as fast of a group of runners than I saw here tonight.” He continued by saying, “They were running so fast, I couldn’t even tell if they were naked or not.” One senior streaker, Timothy Bare ‘24 ran from Watson-Dana to Union in a span of 13 seconds. As the rest of the pack was shortly right behind him. He told the Davidsonian about the experience performing in front of the Division One scouts: “Hey, this is what we run for isn’t it? Finally, after all these years, we are being recognized for the work we put in. Do you know how many years I’ve been running this thing? I only did it because I knew I had a chance that maybe one day I would be recognized.” Another scout told the Davidsonian that Bare ‘24 was going to be able to participate next year in the Olympics if other USA team personnel would allow him to run naked. He said, “as long as he does not have clothes on, I think we have a real chance of taking gold.” Businesses in and around Davidson are now vying to sign Bare ‘24 as well as other streakers to NIL deals. Nummit Coffee offered $500,000 to Bare ‘24 and other Davidson students to be the slogan for their new drip coffee titled, “Strip Coffee.” The drip coffee is $7.50 and does not come with any cream/milk or sweeteners. It pays homage to the streakers themselves and the coffee for being “boring”. Be on the lookout next semester as Bare ‘24 and others will have their silhouettes retired in Belk Arena next fall.

Women’s Basketball Standings

Standings Update

Men’s Basketball Standings

Team

STK PCT

Team

STK

Davidson Duquesne St. Moe’s VCU George Santos WhoaMan Sister Jean’s Team Rhode Inland George Lincoln Nighton St. Louis FordTurkey

9 9 9 8 8 6 5 5 5 5 5 5

1 1 1 1 2 5 5 5 5 6 6 6

W7 W5 L1 W4 W1 W1 L1 L1 W1 W2 L2 L2

George Lincoln LeSail St. Moe’s Nightton Duquesne George Santos St. Momaventure UAss Davidson Sister Jean’s Team St. Louis Fordturkey

8 8 8 7 7 7 7 5 6 6 6 5

2 2 2 2 2 2 2 3 4 5 5 5

W2 W3 W5 W3 L1 W5 W1 W4 W1 W1 W1 W1

.90

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Arts and Entertainment Observations of a Nummit Observer (ie. An Art and An Entertainment)

More Arts, More Entertainment

What My Friends are Searching During Finals

MADDIE O’TOOLE ‘26 (SHE/HER) STAFF WRITER

s the first semester of my sophomore year comes to a close, I have begun to reflect on the people and places that make Davidson so special. Given the amount of time and dining dollars I spend at Nummit, I thought it was only fair to consider its fundamental role in my Davidson experience. Though it is incredibly easy to romanticize Nummit’s pretty picnic tables and expensive drinks, in the spirit of finals and academic discourse, I wanted to analyze its aesthetic factors that I often overlook. First, Nummit is an incredibly distracting work environment given its lack of seating and unpredictable music (which ranges from Clairo to techno music all before 10:00 a.m.). It’s a perfect place to kill an hour. Like really, seriously kill. Brutally murder. When I attempt to sit indoors, I am overrun by Nummit goers lurching for booths and the choreographic sequences of K-Sig (D1) pickleball athletes through the windows. It also does wonders for my selfconfidence as I am routinely humbled when the contraption I devise to charge my laptop dismantles or my notebook falls from the high tables. When I attempt to sit outdoors, little acorns pelt my head, reminding me that I am not, in fact, supposed to be sunbathing. And as the cigarette smoke wafts through the air (at 2pm on a Wednesday), I try to envision a Parisian cafe, yet the romanticization stops there when I hear chatter of summer internship applications. It seems as though Nummit fosters unproductivity, so, needless to say, I waste a lot of time there. When describing Nummit to my friends from home, I start by explaining its peculiar regulars and their cult-like behaviors. Nummit’s clientele is composed almost entirely of wannabe alternative soccer boys and Warner girls staging photoshoots. It is incredibly ironic that SAE hosted their semi-formal at this venue when none of its members stepped foot in Nummit all semester. It is also important to assess the customer service that Nummit baristas provide, which has gone downhill since a certain senior graduated. After enduring the awkward process of ordering my drink and tipping the rest of my dining dollars, I wait for what feels like centuries as the barista manually enters the tip. Those who don’t tip, engulfed in concern of their declining balance, keep their eyes down as they wait for the return of their Catcard. For this reason, among others, an anonymous source from Connor suggests that Nummit’s tipping process “promotes

WELLS LETSON ‘26 (SHE/HER) AND COLLABORATORS • • • • • • • • • • Aqua Nummit picnic table. Photo by Cate Goodin. an angsty tipping culture.” In any event, the Nummit baristas generously give me at least ten minutes to recover from my painful ordering experience as they prepare my iced matcha. I am sometimes left making an educated guess about which drink on the counter is mine, which would threaten those with allergies if plant-based milk wasn’t our student body’s status symbol. After twenty minutes of waiting, I decide to hover more pointedly. I would NEVER ask directly if they had my drink. Nevertheless, I am sad to take a month-long hiatus from Nummit. The coffee shops at home do not provide me with the same opportunities to participate in overly competitive trivia games or gossip with my friends only to realize that the subjects of our conversation are directly behind us. Though fairly confident Nummit would fail a health inspection, I see that 100% stands like a badge of honor behind the counter, somehow higher than any places at home. It is Davidson after all, even our coffee shop will not settle for less (but possibly a corruption investigation into the health department will be in the Davidsonian next semester). Work Hard. Play Hard. Maddie O’Toole ’26 (She/Her) is an English major on the pre-med track from West Hartford, CT. She can be reached for comment at maotoole@davidson.edu.

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Conflicts between the US and Middle East Examples How to Cite the Bible How to conjugate estar in spanish “I sit” in Spanish Cool Spanish verb conjugator Christopher Columbus How old are you if born in 1956 Synonym of perspective Concerts charlotte NC is there a way to see which words used most on a google doc timothy chalimet snl Spanish to English Minimalist coloring book The Alphabet: images What patrones are you? Poema masculine or feminine Greek mythology dictionary Jason Mraz final freestyle Dancing with the Stars Wake forest communications major Words to eliminate from essays Olivia Rodrigo tiny desk NPR tiny desk wikipedia Instagram (for safari) The chef in the US map of the United States with color What day of the week was May 4 1890 What day of the week was May 1 1890 Typing test Why can’t I stop coughing Does smoking weed correlate to dry cough Does ice cream make cough worse? Last supper Horrible british prime minister woman Was Margaret Thatcher hot Synonyms for castrate “What grade do I need on my final” calculator

WALT Radio: The Bit That Just Keeps Running KATHERINE MARSHAL ‘26 (SHE/HER) SECTION CO-EDITOR

alt Radio is likely to receive Most Unique and Different Club on campus award for the 2023-24 school year. It will be their 50th time winning this award, probably because no one else is trying as hard as them in any capacity. When asked how they’re feeling about the win, the Walt E-Board members laughed and explained that none of them have turned in a real assignment all semester. They then offered me secret access to the latest party video edit. Walking around campus, you may still see Boiler Room stickers placed carefully on some bricks outside Belk and Commons. Curious about their longevity, I asked Indieboi Hyperpop ‘24 how they’ve managed to retain every graphic detail after weeks of rain and footsteps. He was surprised by my question and explained that every few nights, he walks around campus after midnight and switches the stickers out to keep them looking pristine. If there’s one thing Walt takes seriously it’s their publicity. And if there’s another thing they take seriously, it’s a six-DJ house party that gives members of the Kappa Sigma fraternity the ego inflation they need, enabling them to pretend to be European for 3 hours. One element of Walt’s publicity that has always intrigued me are the nameless people who populate their posters. It says something that Walt chooses to advertise their parties with posters of people who are way too cool to ever step foot on Davidson College’s campus. Is this propaganda? When asking a few freshmen what they thought about Walt’s victory in the club awards this year, I learned of a few confusions they hold about this cherished student organization. Artsy Knowswring ‘27 confided that she’s been puzzled by the “rush walt” slogan (again, with the publicity) and thought that Walt was a disjointed fraternity trying to find its footing

after hearing rumors of a hazing incident involving 100 plus hours of forced, nonstop listening to the experimental house music sets of the 30 wannabe DJs in this community. Another freshman, Coolio DcMartin ‘27, didn’t realize that Walt was connected to an actual radio station. He thought BANNED FROM FM was the slogan of Davidson’s lactoseintolerant community, with “FM” referring to “frothed milk,” a sensitivity that would be understood by the majority of Walt members due to their monopoly over the Nummit barista career. Again, a very understandable mixup. All confusions aside, Walt’s presence cannot go unnoticed because they will never let us forget they exist. Congrats on the win, and see you next year! Katherine Marshall ‘26 (she/her) is a Religious Studies major from Atlanta, GA . She can be reached for comment at kamarshall@davidson.edu

Living Davidson

Crossword They Belt It Out

Crosswords by Victor Fleming ‘73

Across 1 Wile E. Coyote’s brand of choice 5 Oahu garlands 9 Dangerous snake 14 Jack ___ (first host of “The Tonight Show”) 15 Best or Ferber 16 Not shoot straight with 17 *Theme explored in “The Crying Game” 19 “Look out ___!” 20 Old Chevy 21 “Law & Order: ___” 23 Election victors 24 Makes merry 25 Vegetable and mineral companion 27 Not loose-fitting 28 “Peek-___, I see you!” 29 Word following candy or sugar 32 Subway/ bus system for Hawks’ fans 34 Shaver’s foam 36 Movie director Lee 39 *Shades of difference 41 “What did I tell you?” 42 ___ Aires 44 “___ Right Thing” (1989 movie) 46 Tall Sicilian smoker 47 Art colony of the Southwest 49 Instrument with 47 strings 52 Coast Guard rank 54 Hawks’ homes 56 “Morning Edition” network 58 “___ bin ein Berliner” (1963 President John Kennedy statement) 59 Oversee 60 It might be false 62 How the answers to the starred clues sing at Davidson 65 Salk’s conquest 66 Hawk 67 “Leave in,” to editors 68 Hewlett-Packard competitor 69 A, B or O, to the Red Cross 70 Country between Ghana and Benin

Down 1 Browning’s “briskly” 2 Erie and Panama, for two 3 Alfred E. Neuman? 4 Goof in print 5 Colorful construction toys 6 Ice cream maker Joseph 7 Rustic stopover 8 Doesn’t consent 9 Photo collection 10 Dot-covered cube 11 *Biblical haircutter and her namesakes 12 College near Windsor Castle 13 Does crew 18 Italian dressing spice 22 Purple shade or flower 25 Desert 26 Set of scenes 28 One ___ time (individually) 30 Bio word 31 Byron’s “before” 33 Backwoodsy 35 Fireplace pile 36 Prez on the penny 37 Pecan, for one 38 *Colonels’ superiors 40 NYSE members 43 One of the Bobbsey twins 45 Sincerely zealous 48 Speechless 50 Popular theater name 51 Stereotypical pirate feature 53 Late playwright Neil 54 Plentiful 55 Defense grp. from 1954-77 56 Mane site 57 Sound that accompanies a splash 61 South American resort city 63 1970s Dodgers 3rd-baseman Ron 64 Jungfrau or Eiger

ANGRY WORDS KEY

2 $ ) % ( 1 7 3 < 5 ( ; 7 0 , 6 2 ' 2 , 5 2 8 6 ( + $ , 5 7 5 , * * ( 5 + ( 5 7 $ + , 1 , 2 1 ( 2 5 6 8 % ' 8 ( ( 1 & : $ ' 5 ( * 5 $ % * ( / $ 7 2 , ' < / 6 2 / $ 5 $ / , & $ 5 2 / 2 . 5 $ 6 $ * ( 0 2 % < 7 , / , 0 $ 0 6 1 2 5 8 6 + ' ( ' 8 & 7 ( 5 ( 5 $ 7 ( 1 7 5 $ 3 6 $ 0 2 $ 1 , / 2 9 ( 8 $ ( : 2 5 ' 3 ( 5 ) ( & 7 & 5 2 6 6 * 1 3 $ 6 & $ 3 + 2 6 7 + 7 6 6 + $ . <

Ode To Commons

Woodrow Wilson

he college has come under fire in recent months for its proposed changes to Vail Commons dining hall for one reason and once reason alone: it simply cannot be made more perfect than it already is. According to a very real archival database on the dining hall, the design for Commons was based on a mythical temple of culinary worship described as the shining centerpiece of the lost city of El Dorado by the Spanish conquistadors who found it. But the city of untold riches has been bested! Only now, hundreds of years later, have the famed explorers left El Dorado as news of Vail Commons reached the shores of South America. They had thought they found paradise, but they were dead wrong and are now trading in their priceless treasures for meal swipes. Paradise is right here in our corner of North Carolina where you can get divine powdered eggs, meat dishes so delightful not even the cooks know what they are made out of (how could lowly humans dare to name the food of the gods!), and plastic-fruit scoopies sourced from the Garden of Eden all in the same place. Legend has it the famed Michelin guide sent its finest critics to Vail, all of whom immediately quit upon the realization that Commons cuisine is worthy of far more than the maximum three Michelin stars. After disputes with management, who insisted they stick to the three-star-scale, they all resigned in protest. These admirable men chose the squishy meats and moldy salad bar ingredients over the finest restaurants in the world. Who can blame them? How could one ever think to alter such a paradise as Vail Commons! Much like those who discovered El Dorado, I will never leave Commons for as long as I live. As I finish this letter detailing my one great love for the one place whose only edible option is ice cream, three times a day (all

other dishes look too good, we are unworthy of discovering their taste!), the staff conducts their closing ritual of kicking me out. If not for physical removal I would die here. I guess it is simply too good for one person to enjoy for so long. The extended opening hours, which we simply do not deserve, must also be playing a part in what can only be described as passionate defense of our most sacred landmark being altered! How will they have enough time to host all of the alumni weddings the beautiful venue is known for! My only request to improve this plan is that I be allowed to reclass as a freshman next year, so I can be so lucky as to take out a mortgage on my single, divorced, leukemia-surviving mother of seven’s house to fund a much more deserving cause: the non-optional four years of unlimited meal swipes. I would vote for Vail Commons, an inanimate building, over any of the declared candidates running for President of The United States in 2024. God bless America? Hell no! God bless Vail Commons!

A view of Vail Commons, from Woodrow Wilson’s time. Photo by Davidson Archives

The

Yowl

Even more satire. Castigat Ridendo Mores.

inside

yowl.com/peaceoutgirlscout

Q&A with Frat Boy Who Wears Shorts and Sandals in -40 Degree Weather Page Free the Dawgs

December 13, 2023

Place Your Bets! Which Friend Groups Will Not Return after Winter Break? Page freshmen

Tiny Town Mayor Accused of Violating Property Laws by Building on Chambers Lawn

Union Board President Kidnapped and Held Hostage by SGA

Nonners Explain How Basketball Works

Page Got ‘em

Page Totally True

Page Ballz 2 the Wallz

Q & A with a Social Media Influencer

s social media has become an integral part of our daily lives, from news, entertainment, and communication, a new type of job has arisen in the past few years. Content creation solely for social media users has allowed people to become “influencers,” posting videos, photos, and blogs from their lives. Whether posting videos of their children on the internet for the entire world to see in family vlogs, doing their makeup, dancing, or other useless things that do not benefit society whatsoever, these influencers have unlocked a new job market, and they’re making a lot of money doing so. A Davidson student, who goes by Fizz Yak on TikTok, recently sat down for an interview with us. Fizz Yak posts daily vlogs of his life at Davidson, where he does absolutely nothing interesting and tells some of the worst jokes we at the Yowl have ever read. Most of his vlogs feature jump cuts every 2 seconds, riding his boosted board around campus, and being obnoxiously loud in the library. He had a lot to say about how social media has changed his life. How did you get started with being a social media influencer? I took the funniest video I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m talking roll on the floor laughing video. My friend tripped over a trash can and I posted it on the internet. It blew up. Went viral in like 2 days, man. So I thought, I’m probably good at this. Has this new job changed your future plans? I don’t even need to get a job after this. I’m making like 80k a year off sponsorships. I post

about some pyramid scheme, they pay me, or at least they’re going to by the end of the year they said, and then no worries. I’ve recently partnered with Cutco Knives and I’m selling their product like crazy. I’m finishing out my Davidson degree in communications only because my life at Davidson is an interesting subject for the vlogs. Do you think social media influencers are benefiting society? Of course! I mean, without us, how would anyone know about the news? Are you really going to find out about anything happening unless we tell you? And we can really use our platforms for good. I know people suffering in major war zones see our videos of consolidation, and they think, “wow, I feel so much better knowing this guy has my back.” Have you ever considered donating your earnings to a cause? Oh, no. I mean, my real thing is influencing, not donating, if you know what I mean. My money wouldn’t do anything, but when everyone sees the video of my crying because of what’s happening in this world, they’re sure to do something about it. What do you think about misinformation being spread on the internet? There’s no way there is really that much misinformation out there. Like seriously, people are so critical. I bet at least 80% of what you see is real. Follow Fizz Yak on TikTok or don’t.

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Advice Amanda

The Final Final Issue

Things at Davidson that are More Difficult than Exams

Going a day without seeing your ex Outrunning the embarrassing things you did freshman year Getting Mike Goode to approve a Wildcat Sync form Getting your major requirements on webtree Not constantly being sick Changing friend groups after freshman year Surviving all four years without getting a parking ticket Not getting a speeding ticket on Griffith street Logging on to IMLeagues.com Crossing Concord Road Budgeting your dining dollars Not getting hit by a golf cart or scooter Avoiding closeted Republicans Convincing students they should care about other people Writing a Yowl article without getting censored Resisting the urge to pull an allnighter Booking an appointment at the writing center Having a helpful writing center appointment Getting the Commons conveyor belt to work Finding a parking spot Getting approved accommodations Obtaining on-campus housing after a semester abroad Convincing the administration that no one wants an unlimited meal plan Rebranding, apparently (took 9 months and millions of dollars) Finding an emotionally available person to date Finding a seat in the library during finals (where have you people been the whole semester?) Avoiding diarrhea after Commons Eating three square meals a day Interacting with people in totally normal not awkward way Scheduling office hours with your professor Scheduling literally anything with anyone at this school Constantly looking left and right to see who’s around you at all times whenever you mention someone’s name Finding the clit Jaywalking on Main Street without getting a fine Acquiring a job after you graduate

Average Davidson Student Calendar

Dear Advice Amanda,

I would really like to write a Yowl article this week about some campus events and hot goss that has been going on, but I’ve been trapped in base libs for a week now and I have no cell reception to check YikYak. Can you please let me out of the closet near the periodicals? No worries, if not. But if you can’t, can you at least give me advice on what to write about for this week? Xoxo, Trapped Girl ---------------Dear Silly Little Closet Goose Girl, Make up an event. Call it underground. Scoff at people who didn’t go. Never shut up about it. Sincerely, Advice Amanda P.S. I’m not letting you out. You’re stuck in there. Forever.

The

Yowl

WRITERS Sorry we’re just so tired

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I don’t feel swamped so I’m not swamped. It’s all a mindset.” - someone who’s going to fail

Reccomended New Year’s Resolutions - Dump your boy/girfriend - Get a tattoo - Spend all your savings - Start juggling

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.