Issuu

September 29, 2011 34st.com

THE

SEX SURVEY

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

9.29.11 Inside: PAGE 9

PAGE 11

3 highbrow

Saliva–filled snowflakes. Penn addiction, overheard at penn, toasts and roasts, word on the street.

4 EGo

Learn what a skink is. pets at penn, what is it?, ego of the week Greg Barber.

6 FOOD & DRINK

What are the colors of Rosh Hashanah? sawatdee Review, rosh hashanah recipes, drink of the week.

9 FEATURE

Watch out, those Juniors are kinky. fall 2011 Street sex surveY RESULTS.

BUMP & GRIND. REAL TALK.

FROMTHEEDITOR

hen I was a kid I would devour Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. I would sit in my bathtub and soak for hours, reading and re–reading stories of broken hearts and bones, tales of ‘tough stuff ’ and tragedies. I think it stemmed from a typical t(w)eenage yearning to know what’s really up with our peers. Now a few years older, there doesn’t seem to be a pre–written bowl of soup for the college–aged soul. But I, and most of the people I know at Penn, still want to know what truths lurk behind masks of our fellow classmates. Enter sex. The last time I walked into a frat party, I was greeted by a couple making out. They were sweaty and the guy had his hands on the girl’s chest. Her bra was out and one bare leg slid up around his waist. They smelled like aged jungle juice. Within seconds they were humping

against the wall. We’ve all seen this a dozen times. It’s impossible to miss. And then we walk away, look for something cold to drink and leave within 10 minutes. We never really know what happens beyond that. Do they go back to his room or her cramped double in Hill? Do they have sex? Was this the first time they met? Do they use protection? Do athletes have more sex than nurses? Do female engineers whack off more than Wharton males? We conducted a sex survey (page 9) to find out the answers. Strut your Street,

12 MUSIC

Hipsters take note — Jeff Mangum isn't good for sex. music for the bedroom, Wilco review, one track mind.

14 FILM

Ryan Gosling is all wet. sex scene superlatives, Machine gun preacher review, interview with sam childers.

16 ARTS

Beach photos in skimpy swimsuits. summer photo contest winner, ordnance gallery review, political art.

Do you like free SWAG? Do you want to remove a keg for us?

Do you want to see your name in the masthead?

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

18 LOWBROW

I do believe I just jizzed in my knickers. Ben Franklin sex diary, 18th century pick–up lines, sex positions and sex toys.

STREET Writers' Meeting 6:30 p.m. TONIGHT 4015 Walnut St.

20 back page

Sex through the ages. Student sex lives: then and now.

34th Street Magazine Jessica Goodman, Editor–in–Chief Nick Stergiopoulos, Managing Editor Frida Garza, Design Editor Kendall Haupt, Online Managing Editor Joshua Goldman, Feature Tucker Johns, Feature Paige Rubin, Highbrow Stephanie Rice, A Little Less Highbrow Faryn Pearl, Ego Leah Steinberg, Ego Mady Glickman, Food & Drink Nina Wolpow, Food & Drink

Sam Brodey, Music Jake Spinowitz, Music Hilary Miller, Film Shelby Rachleff, Film Ellie Levitt, Arts Megan Ruben, Arts Anthony Khaykin, Lowbrow Lucy Wolf, Lowbrow Will Baskin–Gerwitz, Back Page Alex Hosenball, Copy Sandra Rubinchik, Copy Adrian Franco, Photo

UnderTheButton.com

Morgan Finkelstein, Managing Editor Michael Arnstein, Associate Editor Ian Bussard, Associate Editor Monika Knapp, Associate Editor Lora Rosenblum, Associate Editor Sandra Rubinchik, Associate Editor AJ Thomas, Associate Editor Cover photo: Sika gasinu special thanks: liz jacobs

Contributors: Michael Buzinover, Caroline Cilio, Val Cohen, Gina Cotter, Patrick Del Valle, Sylvia Eluhu, Stephanie Ghitis, Shelli Gimelstein, Brian Horwich, Liz Jacobs, Alexandra Jaffe,

Michael Kandel, Jessica Marder, Lauren Reed–Guy, Shaye Roseman, Jim Santel, Samantha Sharon, Mimi Solmessen, Mike Walczyk, Callie Woods Contacting 34th Street Magazine: If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters to the editor, email Jessica Goodman, Editor-–in–Chief, at goodman@34st.com. You can also call us at (215) 8986585. To place an ad, call (215) 898-6581. Visit our web site: www.34st.com "The new Ego feature is going to be 'Boners in Van Pelt.'" ©2011 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Magazine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Thursday.

wordonthestreet

HIGHBROW

MY PENN ADDICTION: DFMOs I

’m a firm believer in the notion that making out doesn’t count — it’s kind of like saying nice to meet you… but with tongue. Not everyone agrees with me. Some of my friends are like, ohmigod, you hooked up with that weird guy who has been lurking around the party and has no rhythm! Then I’m like, yeah, but he had cool pants and I didn’t want to be rude. I mean, my parents raised me to be polite. What’s more polite than some casual lip–biting? Because of this, I’ve totally mastered the art of the dance floor make out — or DFMO — but at this point I think I’m less of an artist and more of an addict. I’ve experienced my fair share of good kissers, bad kissers, kissers who think they’re God’s gift to humanity (most of the time, they’re not), emotional kissers, detached kissers. Really, it doesn’t get old. Make outs are like saliva–filled snowflakes, no two are the same. Also, they can occasionally get you wet. Most of my friends make excuses for their DFMOs. They say, but he bought me a drink! Or, he’s from Long Island! I’m over making excuses. I’m indiscriminate. Most of the time, I don’t even

At her fall smoker, a certain senior society president showed the taps how to make the most of an open bar. After blacking out hard, she delivered a glowing monologue about her undying love for the group. It seems like her drunken speech had its intended effect, as taps were clamoring for applications on the way out.

Some people really don’t know when enough is enough. Boo at those of you who don’t know where to draw the line. Highbrow hears a sophomore in OZ took things too far at the door to Smoke’s last Thursday. After his ID was deemed too fake for entrance, he punched the bouncer in the face. Wait, an OZ guy was acting like an entitled prick? Shocker. Also at Smoke's this weekend, one bro–y senior had a bit too much to drink and made the wisest decision a drunk person can make: dancing on elevated surfaces. Not surprisingly, he ended up faceplanting on the neighboring table. We can only hope it knocked some sense into him. Castle’s graffiti party this week was a sweaty freshman mess. NSO is over, okay? Go back to Hill. If all else fails, we hear Commons has a sick Late Night…

over heard PENN at

Professor: Homosociality, or a fascination with same–sex friends, is very common in Japanese culture. Brotastic dude: Soo, is it kinda like having some dude be your wingman? Or is it more like… bro–ing out? Jewish guy: Meet me at Hillel. It’s going down. Jock tour guide passing Fisher Fine Arts: This is… uhh… a library. Frosh 1: Ah, I love Jimmy John’s. Frosh 2: Wait, I thought he was gay?

e are Not–Penn–State. We encompass the Wharton School of Business. We are the first university in the U.S., one of the Ivy League and the hardest of cores. Though we have all strived and achieved to get here and become part of a certain sect of students, it’s important not to become arrogant about what we’ve accomplished. For certain Penn students, this attitude asserts itself in many ways, though one may be the strangest of all: the friend cult. We've all seen friend cults firsthand, be they halls who have stuck together since the quad or high school friends who refuse to branch out. But don’t get sucked in as well. Although it may seem like a good idea at the time, joining a friend cult can really put a damper on your accessibility. The primary problem with these cults is their vaguely incestuous nature; of course, this may be what Friends was trying to teach us over its run. Though Chandler, Monica and the gang may have escaped “just friends” purgatory by the series’ end, you must question whether or not they entered into “it’s complicated” hell afterwards. Apply this to Penn and the isolating nature of its apartments and, should you not choose housing carefully, you’ve got a real recipe for disaster. Unlike frats and extracurriculars, the cults are strictly exclusive. There is no entry; you are only chosen by the leaders of the institution. On the flip–side, careful observation reveals that cults actively reject their own members periodically, thinning the group to perhaps three or four people. Then what are they left with? Presumably themselves and some Kool Aid. Now take all these qualities and couple them with a vague, religious ideology, centered on a strong personality within the group, or a prejudice against a distant foe. Suddenly the cult becomes a black hole that consumes its members as they obsess over inside jokes, acronyms and secret codes, as well as side–by–side text messages. Well, perhaps this is too harsh. Most of us are guilty of some of these practices, and others still rely on core friends they’ve known forever to feel secure. It’s only natural! Still, I would hesitate to pledge allegiance to the real Jim Jones, let alone make myself comfortable in a Jonestown of community living. By all means, live with friends, keep those jokes, make the codes — just stay open to new friends and experiences. Penn is home to your peers, and even if you dislike the elitism some may preach, self–imposed exile isn’t any better. When it comes down to it, do what you need to survive socially, but avoid the soul– sucking syndication of Friends.

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Beta raged through the rain at Popped!, and we hear rocking out to “Pumped Up Kicks” left them without shirts — and without a way home. Bare backs are essentially the Beta uniform, but on Saturday Penn’s token bros were denied entrance to SEPTA because they weren’t properly clothed. Sorry, guys; no shirts, no shoes, no SEPTA.

BY ALEX HOSENBALL

want your name — although if it’s something totally unique then by all means. Sometimes my hobby gets me in trouble — what I might call “being friendly” other people might call “cheating” or “inappropriate behavior.” The way I see it, plenty of people shake hands. I’m just… shaking hands with my lips. My friends always ask me, “How do you not feel so awkward the next day?” I just tell them that sometimes you have to sacrifice the ability to feel awkward for the experience. I’ve even made up this great game for my walks down Locust— meenie meenie minie moe, with which of you did I DFMO? But I guess it can get awkward for other people. Sometimes your DFMOs have feelings. Sometimes you make out with someone sober and it’s actually a thing. I prefer to always keep it simple — you say hey, I say hey, maybe we dance a little bit, maybe you quote Hunter S. Thompson like a pretentious douche bag— then we make out. It’s fun while it lasts, but it never lasts too long. Maybe someday I'll get over my make–out obsession. Til' then, see you on the dance floor.

TOASTS&ROASTS The rain and general ugly weather really put a damper on this weekend. Toasts to those who didn’t let the weather get them down.

DRINKING THE FRIEND CULT KOOL–AID

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

EGO

WHAT IS THAT PLACE, ANYWAY? Have you ever wondered about that building you pass every day but seems to have no purpose? Of course not; you’re a busy person with things to do and places to go. Either way, here’s some information you never thought you needed. BY FARYN PEARL

3812 Walnut What it looks like: Remember that one rich girl from high school who had the super nice house and a private steel gate that looked completely out of place? Kinda like that. What you think it is: Okay, this is clearly the house of someone important who wants nothing to do with campus life. That, or a meeting center for some Wharton leadership group. What it actually is: Amy Gutmann’s house. That explains a lot. Maybe if you read all her emails instead of just deleting them you would’ve known.

3701 Locust

3803 Locust What it looks like: An abandoned white house shoe–horned next to the Kelly Writers House. What you think it is: Oh, it’s haunted. It has to be. There are never any lights on, the paint is chipping, no one ever acknowledges its existence… Definitely haunted. What it actually is: It’s called the Westminster House and has quite an illustrious history. Designed in 1851, it's one of the first buildings in West Philadelphia and is home to the Kappa Alpha Society (the oldest fraternity in America). Pretty good for a house that is probably inhabited by the undead.

What it looks like: A typical 1970s–style concrete structure. With blue laser lights. Awesome. What you think it is: Some branch of Huntsman. Or maybe Annenberg? Seriously, though, what does it matter? Have you seen the blue lights? What it actually is: The Penn School of Social Policy and Practice has an incredibly rich history, dating all the way back to 1908. It evolved from a single course of “Training in Child–Helping” to an entire graduate school with eminence in the field of social work, from domestic violence issues to criminal justice. The blue lights? Just an added bonus.

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

PETS AT PENN

EGO: Ego's taking questions and doling out answers. Send in whatever’s got you perplexed, and we’ll answer with loads of wisdom and little to no condescension. Sample topics include, but are not limited to: love, the intersection between the Universe and OCR, how to sneak a puppy into the Quad and hashtags. Visit 34st.com for our anonymous question box. Go ahead. Ask us anything. Seriously.

This week: Captain Thadeus Stone the Blue–Tongued Skink and his owner, Seth Harrison. Street: How long have you had Captain? How did he get that name? Seth Harrison: I bought the lizard from a pet store in Southeast Philly three weeks ago. He’s about seven months old. I thought my lizard could use a title, so I figured Captain was as good as any. Thadeus references my favorite character from the show Blue Mountain State, and Stone is my favorite local beer back in San Diego. Street: How is living with Captain? SH: Living with a lizard is simple. When I’m home, I’ll let him roam around the couch as I watch TV or do homework. It only poops once a day, so once he’s done his business he’s free to explore. Otherwise, he chills in his cage under a log or rock. Street: What would he major in? SH: Captain would major in relaxation.

Dude chills in one spot all day — under his log. He would be the biggest stoner. Street: What annoys Captain? SH: If he reacts to anything it’s the booming subwoofer of the electronic–reggae music coming from my room. Can’t hear all that well, but the vibrations definitely give him something to bob to. Street: How do people react to him? SH: There’s a little enclosed walkway behind the SAE chapter house where I can put him down and let him explore. Once people realize there's an alligator–looking lizard a couple feet from them, they definitely freak out. But Thad’s so chill and friendly. It’s great having a lizard that can help people who are scared of reptiles get over their fear. With him, they just realize there’s nothing to worry about.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

EGOOF THE WEEK: GREG BARBER It’s safe to say that this week’s Ego, Greg Barber, harbors no ill will toward animals. This TEP brother and philosophy major works at the Vet School and plays in the funk–latin–rock jam band Fat Panther. Oh, and you won't find him without his loyal hamster, Heybuddy. Street: You’re in a band called Fat Panther. How did you guys come up with the name? GB: We were originally Sex Panther for the first year, which is the worst name in music history, probably. And the next year we decided we needed a change, so we downgraded. We went from getting sex to getting fat. Street: A fat panther is the _____ of the jungle. GB: The really cool band that likes to chill or party or entertain at your event, including frat parties, block parties, underpants parties, birthday parties, surprise birthday parties, b’nai mitzvahs, surprise b’nai mitzvahs and other worship services, all for a price you can’t beat and quality you can’t match! Of the jungle. Street: What is your take on the ‘90s nostalgia trend? GB: I was once denied participation on

Slime Time Live, which pretty much ruined the entire decade for me. Street: What did you want to be when you were little? GB: I’ve never had an aspiration in my life. I’ve never had a goal. I’ve never had a dream. Never planned for the future. I’ll never be disappointed. Street: You're a philosophy major. What is the meaning of life? GB: I’m so far from knowing. Again, the lack of aspiration. Street: What does Heybuddy, your hamster, think the meaning of life is? GB: Well, Heybuddy’s universe is his plastic house. And his treadmill. I think he thinks the meaning of life is getting fed, running and avoiding eating his poop. Street: Does Heybuddy help you

pick up chicks? GB: Oh yeah, Heybuddy’s a real chick magnet. And he actually gets the girls, not me. Street: Hamster girls? GB: Yeah. Street: They’re just roaming around? GB: Oh yeah, the hamster bars, the play groups. Street: Is there a big hamster community at Penn? GB: There’s a growing hamster community. I like to claim that I started the trend but I don’t know if that’s a legitimate claim. But it’s growing. And the current goal is for Heybuddy to relinquish his bachelor status.

hummus grill

Street: What’s the most important thing you’ve learned at Penn? GB: What you spend your time doing while you procrastinate is probably what you should do with your life. But this doesn’t include Facebook — it’s way too hard to make a living off of stalking these days.

3931 Walnut Street Philadelphia 215-222-5300 | www.hummusrestaurant.com

delicious

mediterranean hummus salad

$7.95

Try it!

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

fresh

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

FOOD&DRINK

ROSH HASHANAH DINNER FOR ALL

hile New Year's is still three months away, for many Penn students January 1st will be the second time around. It's Rosh Hashanah: cheers to 5772 years of guilt–inducing Bubbies! The Jewish New Year is a time for getting together with friends, drinking copiously and eating delicious home– cooked meals. So here are some college–kitchen friendly recipes that require only a pot and a pan! Get pumped and invite your friends (Jews and non–Jews alike) to take a night off from your favorite BYO to come together for a delicious, boisterous meal.

BRISKET FOR THE MASSES Serves about 10 Ingredients: • • • • • • • • •

1 brisket — 5 lbs. 3 cloves of minced garlic 3 cups of chopped onion 1/4 cup olive oil 3/4 cup dried cranberries 3/4 cup dried apricots, cut in half 1 bottle chili sauce 1 bottle regular beer (not light) 3 cups of beef broth (or enough to just barely cover the brisket in the pot)

Directions: 1. In large pot, on high heat, brown brisket on both sides for about one minute on each side. 2. In separate pan, saute onions and garlic in olive oil until golden brown. 3. Place onions on top of the brisket in the large pot used above. 4. Add chili sauce, beer, cranberries, apricots and beef broth to pot. 5. Bring to boil, then turn down heat to simmer. 6. Let simmer with the cover on to cook for a little over two hours. Check occasionally.

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Slice against the grain and serve with baked potatoes, mashed potatoes or kugel. — Mady Glickman

We recommend pairing these with roast chicken and sauteed string beans to tone down the sugar and balance out your meal.

SWEET KUGEL

TZIMMES Ingredients: • • • • • • •

1 pound sweet potatoes peeled, halved and sliced about 1/2 inch thick 3/4 pound of carrots, diagonally sliced 1/2 inch thick 4 oz. pitted prunes 2 tbsp. brown sugar 1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon 3 tbsp. cornstarch Salt, to taste

Ingredients:

Directions:

•

1. Cook noodles for half of the time that the package tells you to. 2. Drain noodles and put them back in the pot. 3. Add all other ingredients and stir. 4. Pour noodle mixture into a greased 9x12 inch pan and cover with aluminum foil. 5. Bake at 350°F for 35 minutes. 6. Uncover and bake for another 15 minutes.

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Combine sweet potatoes, carrots, prunes, brown sugar and cinnamon in a large pot. 2. Add a quart of water and bring to a simmer. Cover and cook over low heat for 25–30 minutes, until vegetables are fork tender. 3. Mix cornstarch with 1/3 cup water. Add to pot, stirring gently. Cook over

• •

• • • • •

12 oz. package wide egg noodles 1/4 cup canola oil 3 medium golden delicious apples, peeled and chopped coarsely 1/2 cup raisins 1/3 cup sugar 1/2 tsp. cinnamon 1/4 tsp. salt 4 large eggs, beaten lightly

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

SWEET SIDE DISHES MAKE FOR A SWEETER NEW YEAR

medium–low heat until sauce comes to a simmer and thickens. Season with salt. 4. Spoon mixture into a lightly oiled casserole dish. 5. Bake 20–30 minutes, or until bubbling. — Samantha Sharon

— Mady Glickman

Marmoset. Marmoset. Apologies to the Shirelles.

@34st

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Marmoset there'll be days like this. There'll be days like this my marmoset.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

A TRYST WITH THAILAND The good (and green) at South Street's Sawatdee.

et snugly on the corner of 15th and South, Sawatdee is arranged as most informal Thai restaurants are: its small tables placed in neat rows, its square footage minimal, but inviting. The restaurant’s electric green walls lend it an air of modernity while antiquey trinkets and red wood–paneled chairs salute the traditional. The menu is likewise a mashup of dishes novel and routine. We began with Por– Plah–Sod ($6.95), fresh Thai spring rolls (not fried) which envelop crabmeat, Chinese sausage, egg, tofu and vegetables. Cut into neat rounds, the rolls arrived cool and were spread in a tamarind glaze. The Chinese sausage was particularly flavorful, tasting a little like a spare rib, and the crabmeat was tender and fresh; the dish would content adventurous eaters. A more conventional– sounding appetizer, the pan seared dumplings or Ka– Nom–Jeeb (also $6.95) came stuffed with chicken, shrimp, scallion and onion. Diners attached to the taste of more typical Chinese–style dump-

Drink

of the Week:

By NINA WOLPOW

The Rosh Hashanah Gimlet

sawatdee

1501 South St. (215) 790–1299

Don't Miss: Sawatdee's shellfish and anything Pad Skip: Dumplings

$$$$$

lings, take heed: the mixture of surf and turf in Sawatdee’s version might unnerve, and it isn’t delivered piping hot like its pork–filled cousin. We’re not sure if the lack in temperature was stylistic or a kitchen slip–up, but either way, we wouldn’t have them again. Divided into three sections — noodles and fried rice, Gaeng Thai (curry plates) and regular entrees — the main options at Sawatdee are ample enough, but not so copious as to overwhelm. We ordered three: Pad–Kee–Mao–Gai ($10.95), Pad–Thai–Gung ($13.95) and Pad–Ka–Paro– Talay ($14.95) — "pad" means stir–fry in Thai — and found both their presentation and taste to outdo those of our appetizers. The first, Pad–Kee–Mao– Gai, known in other circles as “drunken noodles,” was plated

2 oz. gin or vodka

+ perfectly. The chefs rationed the bell peppers and carrots generously, serving them wellcooked, but firm. Unlike typical drunken noodles, these were not heavily sauced. Nor, for that matter, was the Pad Thai, which was not the least bit inventive (we liked this) and prepared with an underwhelming amount of grease (we liked this, too). But where Sawatdee impressed most was in its seafood: like a bouillabaisse traveled East, the Pad–Ka– Paro–Talay was a small pile of stir–fried shrimp, scallops, mussels, squid and vegetables, seared in a chili–garlic sauce.

The scallops — the smallest we have ever seen — were of excellent consistency, and not a single element tasted fishy. The four rather large mussels, served in–shell, were lovely and accessorized the dish well. If you have a taste for seafood, you won’t be disappointed. Appealing also was Sawatdee’s small but colorful list of desserts. Our waitress recommended Thai custard in Asian pumpkin ($4.50). Looking to depart even further from the norm? Try Mung bean (golden graham) in ginger syrup ($4) and tell us how it is.

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Street cheese

1 tbsp. honey

Slice of green apple for garnish

DO NOT TOUCH.

@34st 8

1/2 oz. apple cider

Shake with ice. Serve cold in a martini glass.

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

2011 STREET SEX SURVEY by Joshua Goldman & Tucker Johns design by Frida Garza & Liz Jacobs

“W

be behind the curve, the sexual curve. Here at Penn, we all subscribe to the paradigm of a pervasive hookup culture, driven by alcohol, loud music and frat parties. Not to say that this doesn’t go on — it does — but it’s not everyone. It might be the case that our perception of the sexual curve is a less accurate representation of reality than the BIOL–121 curve. Though in both, someone always gets fucked. So, bring yourself back to freshman year — or, if you’re a freshman, revel in the fact that you’re only beginning — and think of your hall. Maybe you had two really nerdy kids that lived next door who were always playing “video games,” and you wondered how much they were tugging on the joystick. Or maybe you had a screamer, that girl who wanted the entire Quad to know that she was engaged in the best. intercourse. ever. Until the next time, when you heard it

all over again. And every freshman hears of the unfortunate soul constantly “sexiled,” wandering aimlessly and looking for amusement until his/her roommate finishes a routine romp. This week we put your rumors to rest, and start a whole bunch of new ones. We sent out a comprehensive survey to a random sample of 1,500 anonymous undergraduates and received over 500 responses. Some of the results are expected (over 50 percent of freshmen are still virgins), and some are shocking (there are at least 28 Penn student sex tapes out there). We’ve broken the results down by school, class, gender, sexual orientation and more, leading us to some conclusions that range from mild to wild — we’re looking at you, masturbation–obsessed engineers and freaky junior class. So flip the page to uncover exactly how stimulating this raw data is. (Continued on Page 10)

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

hen I was a senior in high school I thought that I’d rather die than go to college a virgin,” reminisced one female senior. “You think everyone’s doing it, or has at least done it by graduation. “Then I got to school, and of my six close friends at the time, half of them were virgins. It would have been great to know this beforehand. Like, I didn’t have to rush my ‘first time,’” she admits and blushes just a bit. Now able to look back and let out a chuckle, she reflects a popular sentiment among young people, heavily exacerbated by popular movies — see our film section this week — and media reports of hypersexual teens losing their virginity at the not–so–ripe age of 12 and 13. Not only is it about actually having sex, and merely losing one’s virginity, she explains, but many feel that they need to have sexual experience or will otherwise

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow

40 35 30 25 20 15 10 5 0

Seniors Juniors Sophomores Freshmen

every day every day

4 -4-6 6 times times aa week week

2 -2-3 3 times times aa week week

once onceaaweek week

once a semester onceonce a month a once a semonth mester

once a year once a year

SEX TOYS

We basically built a fort in one of the common rooms on our floor in the Quad with the chairs, couches, a sheet and some pillows. We had sex all night and slept well. It only became awkward when some kids came in to study the next morning and we were lying there naked… —Female, Senior, Greek

Seniors

Juniors

Sophomores Freshmen

WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?

I've used Craigslist and I usually just send emails back and forth. Naked pictures, dirty words, etc. I have a fake email account because if it’s someone that I know, I wouldn’t want them to tell all their friends. One time, I was really drunk and horny and put a hook up together in a matter of hours. We sent a few pics, then exchanged numbers, and three texts later, I was swiping into a highrise and we were wildly making out.—Male, Junior, Unaffiliated, College

I took someone’s virginity on a Hill washing machine on my 18th birthday. The song “Birthday Sex” may or may not have been involved and the washing machine was absolutely on. —Female, Junior, Greek, Engineering

12.4% have taken a picture while engaged in sexual acts

college house off-campus house frat or sorority shower library office building athletic facility elevator club or bar

0 vibrator

whip

handcuffs

dildo

blindfold

I have never used a sex toy

7-10

11-15

16-20

100

90.8%

I have not had sex under the influence Prescription Pills Marijuana

Have you ever cheated?

12.4% have filmed themselves masturbating

68.5%

Are you a virgin?

53.1%

100

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF STUDENTS ARE VIRGINS?

SAME–SEX ENCOUNTERS?

18.4%

Greek virgins

42.4% VIRGINS BY RELIGION

VIRGINS BY CLASS Cocaine

69.3%

92.9%

21.7% have photographed a partner while he/she was naked

of Greek students are virgins

by Class

100

Freshman

Sophomore

Junior

Senior

Christianity Judiasm Islam Hinduism Agnostic/ Atheist

51.9 12.5 57.1

percent who identify as Christian virgins are waiting for marriage to have sex percent who identify as Jewish virgins are waiting for marriage to have sex percent who identify as Muslim virgins are waiting for marriage to have sex

Seniors

by Gender

Males

Females

3.8%

How often do you masturbate?

100 80

4.8%

Juniors

of Non–Greek students are virgins

yes

Freshmen

Sophomores

Ecstasy

Alcohol

Have you ever experienced an orgasm?

40 20

14.3%

I have never Once a masturbated. year

Once a Once a semester month

3-5a week

Every day

10.8% 60

1.8% 12.4%

More than once a day

How often do you watch porn?

50 40 % 30 20

Athletes and Non–Athletes

Athletes

Non-Athletes

3.5% 7.9%

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Other

100

73.7%

Non-Greek virgins

Acid

76.6% 11.2% haved filmed themselves having sex

yes

More than 20

ATHLETES

Although some of these results busted down established stereotypes, we must admit that some statistics were entirely predictable. It’s clear that engineering students are using their computers for a little more than their computer science homework, as they report the highest masturbation frequency of any school (60% masturbate more than 3–5 times per week). It should also be no surprise that Whartonites’ healthy confidence extends to the bedroom. They report the longest stamina, with over 50% claiming to last 16 minutes or more. Finally, there’s a clear gender divide related to favorite sexual position. Nearly half of all ladies like it missionary (45.7%), while over a third of dudes (34.3%) prefer doggy style.

of Greeks have had sex while drunk

4-6

GREEK

THINGS THAT DON'T SURPRISE US…

SEX UNDER THE INFLUENCE

1-3

GENDER BREAKDOWN

had sex on an athletic field or court

Where would we be without our smart-phones? Over onethird of Penn students have used technology to capture and captivate their sex lives in some way. We hope you’re all being careful with those sex tapes…

33% have taken a picture naked and sent it via text or email

11.8% of athletes have

someone else's bedroom

DIGITAL GET DOWN

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

“Let’s play Truth or Dare. I dare you to kiss each other.” We laughed in his face. So that’s how a threesome starts. It felt so inorganic. He took our clothes off, but we still held back. As excited as we were by the idea of hooking up with this bronzed, Mediterranean god, we were too mortified to hook up with each other. So what did we do? We shared him, rotating in and out of the room, taking turns with him and playing into his every fantasy. —Female, Senior, Greek, Wharton

So much for the rampant hook–up culture on college campuses that pundits and sociology professors are always yammering about. Looks like Penn students are actually quite conservative when it comes to bedroom habits, reporting fewer sexual partners than one might assume.

Check 34st.com for the full stories

NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS

TRUE STORIES FROM STUDENTS LIKE YOU

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FREQUENCY OF SEX

I have never Once a Once a Once a watched year semester month pornography.

Once a week

3-5a week

Every day

More than once a day

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011 12

MUSIC

THE HALF–HEARTED LOVE Venerable alt rockers fail to replicate past success on eigth studio effort.

ince releasing Yankee Hotel Foxtrot in 2002, Wilco has sounded like a band struggling for direction. First came A Ghost Is Born, which contained some lovely moments but was ultimately overwhelmed by the fuzzed–out guitar noise that had been used so judiciously on Yankee. Sky Blue Sky followed, an LP both consistent and uninspired. 2009 brought Wilco (The Album), utterly unmemorable except for Jeff Tweedy’s duet with Feist on “You And I.” Wilco’s wanderings in the post–Yankee desert have placed their fans in an uncomfortable spot. With one eye, they look fondly on the band responsible not only for Yankee Hotel but also Being There, Summerteeth and consistently excellent live performances; with the other, they wince at the prospect of yet another overlabored and underwhelming album. Lamentably, the group’s latest attempt at a return to form, The Whole Love, does not reverse the slide. Like Wilco (The Album), The Whole Love is shapeless, one song unnoticeably shading into another in a way that discourages attentive listening. Unlike their previous record,

By JIM SANTEL

One Track Mind: Blink– 182’s “After Midnight”

WILCO The Whole Love Sounds Like: A great band fallen on hard times. 99–Cent Download: “I

Might"

Good For: A reason to dig up old Wilco albums.

which at least contained a takeaway single in “You and I,” The Whole Love is devoid of any entry point whatsoever. Instead, Wilco continues to believe that alternating between noise–rock (as in the opener “Art of Almost”) and forgettable curios (like the fairground–inspired “Capitol City”) is the way to regain their vitality. Elsewhere, “One Sunday Morning” brings 12 minutes of a single repeated acoustic phrase; “Red Lung Rising” wastes some

nice pedal–steel guitar work with numbing rhymes; and “Standing O.” shamelessly lifts the keyboards from Elvis Costello’s “Radio, Radio.” There’s a lot more, of course, but it’s too wearingly undistinguished to merit discussion. The end impression left by The Whole Love, coming at the end of nine years of flailing, is that Wilco would do well to stop trying so hard. They should take a cue from the Rolling Stones, who didn’t bother trying to top

Exile On Main St. with Goats Head Soup, a respectable collection of hangup–free rock and roll. Or consider Bob Dylan, whose encore to Blonde On Blonde was the subdued John Wesley Harding, which, while nobody’s favorite Dylan album, is nothing to be ashamed of. Both artists followed a landmark with a return to what they knew best. Wilco, instead of continuing its fruitless experimentations with noise, should follow suit and revisit its alt– country beginnings. It may not produce a step forward, but it doesn’t have to. And besides, both Dylan and the Stones had a masterpiece left in them: Blood On the Tracks and Some Girls, respectively. Perhaps you’ve heard of them?

If you can't tell, Street has been thinking a lot about sex this week. Come seduce us. We like chocolate, flattery and all things shiny.

Writers' meeting tonight: 6:30 at 4015 Walnut.

@34st

f “After Midnight,” the second single off Blink–182’s long–awaited reunion album, is any indication, you’ll want to move into the band's Neighborhoods (available now). After a six–year hiatus, Blink–182 returns with the same catchy punk aesthetic that made them one of pop music’s most influential acts. Atop the thumping, steady beat of Travis Barker’s drums and Tom DeLonge’s bold, driving guitar melodies, Mark Hoppus shines on the soaring choruses. The lyrics reveal a newfound depth to the band’s thematic content — they’re earnest and heartfelt, with more of the emotional intensity of “I Miss You” or “Always” than the goofy irreverence of “Aliens Exist.” The passage of time has undeniably matured their sound, and this glimpse of Neighborhoods suggests the sixth album is the work of a more grown–up version of the band that used to ask “What’s My Age Again?” Nevertheless, their trademark sound will satisfy die– hard fans and give the generation of kids that missed out on growing up with Blink–182 another chance to get hooked. —Shelli Gimelstein

A guide to making sure you hit all the right notes... in bed. BY SAM BRODEY AND JAKE SPINOWITZ

BEST FOR '90S SEX: Radiohead BEST FOR HIPSTER SEX: The xx

The xx are the band that's launched a (hundred) thousand make–out seshes. Their music is simple, sexy and stripped down — just like you'll be when you put it on.

Before they became the Biggest Band in the World, Radiohead made The Bends, their powerful, nearly perfect '90s rock opus. It's the greatest bedroom background music for an evening as beautifully tender as Thom Yorke's voice. Worst for '90s Sex: Eiffel 65 (Remember "I'm Blue"? Yeah. Them.)

BEST FOR DRUG SEX: Sublime Worst for Hipster Sex: Neutral Milk Hotel

BEST FOR EURO SEX: Tiesto Nostalgic for that semester abroad in Europe? Put on some Tiesto and let your imagination take you back to that magical night in a sweaty Ibiza club bathroom.

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BEATS FOR THE BEDROOM

So you've smoked a bowl with that special someone and you're cuddling with some Cheetoes and you notice — what? — there's no music on. Do not fear; "Badfish," the chill classic by amicable potheads Sublime, will get you off… of this reef. Worst for Drug Sex: Weezer

Worst for Euro Sex: Rusko

They Might Be Giants

Making songs that are usually somewhere between a love song and a history lesson, They Might Be Giants might be one of the nerdiest bands we know of. Their enchanting melodies and awkward aesthetic will make for the perfect evening of awkward nerd lovemaking. Worst for Computer Nerd Sex: Daft Punk (No, nerds, girls don't think "Harder Better Faster Stronger" is clever or sexy. Just don't go there.)

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

BEST FOR COMPUTER NERD SEX:

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FILM

THE MOST MESSED UP PREACHER YOU'LL EVER MEET The man makes the movie, but the movie doesn’t quite make the man.

achine Gun Preacher will stay with you. It’s not particularly well acted, nor is the screenplay Sorkin–level, but this film has a story. Sometimes, in order to succeed, the story is what matters most. Sam Childers (Butler) has spent his life as a junkie and dealer with few prospects of anything beyond an early death. After a stint in prison, he returns to his Philadelphia hometown and his newly religious, ex–stripper wife (Monaghan). One particularly violent run–in causes Childers to renounce his lifestyle and become a Christian — an act that, in his mind, sets a precedent for all those like him who don’t think second chances exist.

By SHELBY RACHLEFF

Machine gun preacher Directed by: Marc Forster Starring: Gerard Butler, Michelle Monaghan, Michael Shannon

See if you liked: Hotel Rwanda Rated R, 127 min.

His story truly begins when he takes a mission to Uganda and ends up in the midst of the Sudanese genocide. Childers is so affected by the horrors of the region — the child soldiers, the midnight massacres — that he devotes himself to building an orphanage and safe haven in Sudan, in addition to maintaing his church at home.

Butler's nose doesn't quite make the man.

This is a biopic unlike those to come out in the pre–Oscar season. It quite simply presents the story of one man who found God and decided to reconcile his old life with his new values. Gerard Butler puts forth

a solid effort in portraying Childers; his usually pervasive Scottish accent is notably muted, and he convincingly looks like a rode–hard biker. It doesn’t matter too much, though; his delivery of the lines

takes a backseat to the lines themselves, or, more accurately, the story they convey. Director Marc Forster (Finding Neverland) puts forth a solid effort in showing the struggles of the Sudanese and the brutality of Childers’ transformation. Particularly interesting is the juxtaposition of Childers’ junkie friend at home (Shannon) and the hardships of the children in Africa. The back– to–back shots justify Childers’ religious identity more than any lines of dialogue could. Machine Gun Preacher is worth seeing if only to experience a character unlike any other in recent memory. Sam Childers will tell you himself: he’s the most messed up preacher you’ll ever meet. And we like it that way.

BIBLE ON ONE SIDE, MACHINE GUN ON THE OTHER

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

Street had the unique opportunity to sit down with the real Machine Gun Preacher to talk about his work in Africa, the testimonies we all carry and how if he was still doing wrong, God wouldn’t have let him get so far. By SHELBY RACHLEFF

Street: Could you tell us a bit about your life before you found God and your cause? Sam Childers: I was a pretty rough guy. I got into drugs at a very young age — I started doing drugs at about 11 years old, went to hard drugs by 13, then from that to putting a needle in my arm at 15. You know, doing heroin. And went from [heroin] to selling drugs. Actually, I was a shot gunner for drug deals for many years. I wasn’t a good person. Street: When did the name “Machine Gun Preacher” first pop up? SC: Years ago. [In Africa] I slept on a grass mat, bible on one side and machine gun on the other side. The natives started saying, “That’s the Preacher.” Then they’d say, “Ah no, that’s the Machine Gun Preacher.” Because I carried a machine gun. So one day, a story came out, I believe it was in New York. They titled it “Machine Gun Preacher.” Somebody was trying to discredit me from being a preacher.

the sky is the limit with Him. I mean, come on, I’m a hillbilly from Pennsylvania. I’m the only hillbilly to walk the red carpet inside of the film festival at Toronto. That’s big. I’m the only man to ever walk the red carpet with Harley boots on and a Harley coat! But that shows you how big God is.

So anyway I read the thing and I’m starting to cry and God said, “Claim that name.” And I’m like, “Come on God, they’re calling me the Machine Gun Preacher!” and He said, “Claim that name.” I own the name Machine Gun Preacher. Sometimes we keep God little because we keep Him in a box thinking He’s only there for little things. I don’t believe that. I believe

Street: What is your advice to people who have backgrounds like yours and want to be preachers? SC: Let me ask you the question: would you rather have somebody talking to you about drugs, sitting in this chair, that never done ‘em dressed in a suit, or would you rather have me, that I lost my son to heroin? I believe that when it comes down to certain things of life, I can explain it a little bit better. So it goes to show you that sometimes people like me are better used to give somebody some inspiration in life than the guy in the suit. Street: There’s also the moment in

the movie where they mention that the Lord’s Resistance Army has a bounty on your head. Is that something that actually happened? SC: At one time, there was a list of about 800 names of people that would’ve been arrested if they come into Khartoum. They would’ve arrested me for aiding and abetting rebels, so that was not just the Lord’s Resistance Army. I mean it’s a known fact that Kony would like to kill me. But it’s a known fact that he’s a coward because he knows where I live. I’ve offered him to come by many times.

Check 34st.c out read t om to h interv e full iew.

Best Sex in the Stacks: Atonement What Goes Down: A passionate lead–in leaves Keira Knightley clinging to the library ladder for stability as she bangs against the books. Why It’s Hot: The contrast of skin against Knightley’s deep–green satin dress creates an irresistible sensuality. Hot Scale:

Best Lesbian Sex: Black Swan What Goes Down: An ecstasy–fueled night ends with Portman and Kunis furiously hooking up on Portman’s bed. Why It’s Hot: The intensity of Portman’s descent from white to black swan climaxes as she and Kunis writhe and moan — gracefully, of course. Hot Scale:

Best Literary Sex: Shakespeare in Love

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ON–SCREEN: SEX EDITION

Street takes you through some of the hottest scenes that you might be too embarrassed to watch in Van Pelt.

What Goes Down: Forbidden love and beautiful prose come together in a rehearsal to remember as Fiennes and Paltrow take their on–stage love behind closed doors. Why It’s Hot: Pillow talk is taken to a new level with some of Shakespeare’s most famous double entendres. Hot Scale:

Best Sex in the Rain: The Notebook What Goes Down: The rain and engagement can’t stop Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams from jumping on each other outside and taking it back to a steamy bedroom — not even bothering to remove the pearls. Why It’s Hot: The steamy wall sex makes us feel almost as wet as Gosling's revealing shirt. Hot Scale:

Best Life–Threatening Sex: Shoot ‘Em Up

Best Puppet Sex: Team America: World Police What Goes Down: Puppets Carson and Lisa do it in every possible way at their secret Mount Rushmore base. Why It’s Hot: Plastic sex in the name of patriotism. America, fuck yeah! Hot Scale:

Dine-In, Catering & Delivery Happy Hour: Mon-Fri 5-7 Lunch Special: Mon-Fri $8.95 Early Bird: Sun-Thur $10.95

Best Masturbation Scene: American Pie What Goes Down: Jason Biggs' attraction to home–grown pie is taken a little too far when he finds out just how warm and moist apple pie really is. Why It’s Hot: Ew. Hot Scale:

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

What Goes Down: Owen shoots down all the bad guys while simultaneously having sex with Belushi. Why It’s Hot: Belushi’s orgasm comes with a bang — quite literally. Hot Scale:

PattayaRestaurant.com • 215.387.8533 4006 Chestnut Street • University City 15

highbrow ego food & drink feature music film arts lowbrow 34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011 16

ARTS

ART AND POLITICS

An introduction. By Ian Bussard

he phrase “political art” is something of a misnomer. Okay, I’ll be honest — it’s a horrible title. When I hear “political art” I think of Shepard Fairey’s “Hope” posters for the Obama campaign, or that really stunning, bedazzled portrait of Michele Bachmann I picked up last week. But true political art extends way past politics: today, it has come to refer to a variety of modes of art that aggressively confront societal problems. Take “Ord-

nance,” for example, where Philly’s own Tim Belknap ironically tackles American suburban complacency through the reconfiguration of household objects. At its best, “political” art is brash, loud and downright rude — much like the work of Voina, a Russian performance art collective. Voina has addressed many of the modern injustices of its native Russia, from racism and homophobia to ignorance in general. In the group’s provocative 2009

happening A Cop in a Priest’s Robe, a man dressed as a priest wearing a cop’s hat brazenly shoplifts without punishment, demonstrating how quickly society turns a blind eye to traditional figures of authority. But this kind of in–your– face political art is hardly new. Anselm Kiefer’s post–World War II exhibition “Occupations” deserves a mention here, as Kiefer’s show was something of a scandal at the time (Think of when Teresa Giudice screamed “Prostitution whore!” on Real Housewives). Kiefer, a young art student, photographed himself standing on and around a number of European monuments making the Nazi salute. This didn’t go over quite so well in Germany, but Kiefer’s statement on one society’s attempts to repress a shameful national history still resounds strongly. Nowadays you can’t get very far without hearing talk of Ai Weiwei, a Chinese artist whose highly controversial art gives the finger (sometimes literally) to political centers of the world, and who eventually found himself arrested and detained by the Chinese government he so severely criticized. In his recent monumental work, Sunflower Seeds, on view at the Tate Modern, Weiwei fills an entire gallery with mil-

Kake 1, Tim Belknap

Part of "Occupations," Anselm Kiefer

A Cop in a Priest's Robe, Voina

Sunflower Seeds, Ai Weiwei

lions of handcrafted porcelain sunflower seeds. Although viewers can no longer tread over the piece, it still stands as a poignant reminder of the individuals behind the economic and political behemoth of 21st–century China. These artists undoubtedly confront viewers with aggressively executed statements, reaching a wide audience with the boldness and clarity of their political commentaries. Their pieces hint at a growing circuit

of confrontational artwork, a movement that challenges society through a spectrum of hostility ranging from the extremely subtle to the in– your–face tactics of Belknap, members of Voina, Kiefer and Weiwei. They continue to demonstrate that art is still as badass and relevant as ever, and rightly so. With art as accessible as it is now, they are more than capable of challenging modern issues in front of an attentive world audience.

ARTISTPROFILE: See Zenas Hutcheson’s ARTIST PR OFILE including a n extended in terview and short fi lm at 34st.com.

"We need art precisely because there are things that are beyond rational or reasoned explanation. I leave explanation to the other disciplines. I’m here to make a mess.” –Zenas Hutcheson

Introspective, subtly humorous and unusually explosive, Tim Belknap's solo debut is well worth a Market–Frankford ride to Northern Liberties. BY ELLIE LEVITT

amouflaged by graffiti, the front windows of Rebekah Templeton Contemporary Art Gallery are barely noticeable amongst the tattoo parlors and convenience stores lining West Girard Avenue. But if Tim Belknap's socially–charged exhibit, "Ordnance," conveys anything, it's not to judge a situation by its appearance. Belknap plays with the concept of the term “ordnance,” defined as “military armament and artillery, normally inert and safe unless it's triggered,” by deconstructing suburban household items and transfiguring them into symbols of hazard and distortion. Each sculpture has a CAUTION label already imprinted on the materials the artist chose to utilize, asserting that the idealized American dream comes with a number of cautionary tags as easily disregarded as the one on our dishwashers. The complacency of suburban dwellers allow these dangers to mount without notice; occupied by dinner parties and

television, they are destroyed by ingrained routine and an obsession with the "picture– perfect." Upon entry, a pile of bones titled Unlovable rests on the gallery's grey plywood floor, an initially indecipherable welcome. Yet the form's debility suddenly confronts the viewer. An arm jutting out from the top of the heap is powered by a series of red, yellow and blue pneumonic tubes, moving slightly before collapsing back to its resting position. Coming to life, the sculpture evokes the mentality of a sick or forgetful grandparent attached to oxygen tubes, struggling to reclaim a role in family life but retracting pathetically when aid and attention fail to present themselves. Belknap directly exposes this rejection of deformity by juxtaposing the mess of bones with Big Boom–Kake to its right, a nine–layer, multi–colored cake made entirely of firecrackers. Belknap's witty, pastry–shaped interpretation of a Stepford wife is polished and

ORDNANCE Rebekah Templeton Contemporary Art 173 W. Girard Ave. Wednesday through Saturday, 12–6 p.m. Free rebekahtempleton.com

beautiful in appearance but simultaneously on the brink of combustion. And it's hard not to assume that across the room Kakes 1, 2, 3 & 4 made of identical materials represent insincere socialites–in–training. Only a couple layers tall, they will slowly develop the extensive tiers their mother so proudly boasts. The impossibility of actually taking a bite out of the extravagant cakes speaks to their blatant artificiality, a quality permeating much of the exhibit. From phony captured memories used as wall decor to vibrantly painted lawn mower pieces, a surreal style emphasizes the bright and shiny na-

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About to Blow

Unlovable, photo courtesy of timothybelknap.com

ture of fake neighborhood interactions without dousing the objects in pessimism. Perhaps the deepest level of "ordnance" is realized when one steps back from the artistic experience and acknowledges the number of electronics and real, capable

explosives concentrated in the gallery's compact 12 x 25 ft. room. This last ironic twist only bolsters Belknap's plea: once in a while we must push ourselves to take an external view of reality, assessing the potential threats of our seemingly harmless surroundings.

WINNER

Check out 34st.com for runners–up and seven special awards including Cutest Kids and Overall Weirdest.

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

fter receiving over 70 submissions (including six puppies and too many sunsets to count), we ranked, deliberated and finally awarded College sophomore AMANDA STEVENS with the top summer shot. Only an amateur photographer, she snapped the pic — admirable for its dramatic color contrast, balanced composition and authenticity of experience — during a 75–day trip in the Chugach Mountains of southern Alaska. What ultimately separated this shot from all others is its layering of subjects, capturing an incredible vastness of landscape without shrinking the impact of the silhouetted figures. Amanda’s dirty secret: it was taken on a Kodak disposable camera! Congratulations for clicking a button… and kicking ass.

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LOWBROW

A Letter From A Governess I hOpe they serve ale in hell Scorned Long before Tucker Max graced us with his literary prowess, one of our Founding Fathers penned stories of his legendary romps and sexploits in colonial America. We are proud to present the coveted excerpts from Benjamin Franklin's recently discovered sex diaries.

March 2,

John and I always joked that the Lady Adams was undomesticated, but she proved it last night. Leaving the pub, we unsuccessfully attempted to hail a horse and buggy, but when the rain began, we ended up stumbling into an abandoned barn. The Lady began to remove her clothing, and when she removed her corset, I commented, “I do believeth I just jizzed in my knickers, Abigail.” The stage was set. Adams ended up taking backseat to me (which ironically entailed Abigail getting backseated), and we placed her between my kite and his key. She was so untamed that John and I wound up grabbing each other’s hands for support in the motion of a high five above her head. Yes, Diary, the original Eiffel Tower. Can you believe he ended up marrying that whore?

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

April 23,

Betsy Ross flashed a cheeky bit of ankle today at Ye Olde Smokey Joseph’s. Hoping she is DTF (Down To Fornicate).

May 1,

Spring is sprung! The maidens shall be more scantily clad and randy due to warm weather. Huzzah!

May 5,

Saw Betsy again today by Independence Hall. My warm salutations (read: solicitations) were greeted with a frosty demeanor. This whole “playing hard to attain” grows quite wearisome. I’m a founding father, for fuck’s sake!

August 10,

Yielded awkward questions about the intentions for my new University from Jefferson. Well, one can’t exactly put in the mis-

Dearest Benjamin, After tending to the fruits of your loin for five years (and your loin for three), you have quite a bit of nerve to tell me to “go key my own kite.” As this marks the end of our lustful bliss, I have something I would like to get off of my rather busty chest. I may have called you “Big Ben,” but your lightning rod did anything but make sparks. Though I walk away from this with a broken heart, you walk away with something a little more difficult to get rid of: syphilis. Sincerely, Virginia Cherryblossom

sion statement that one founded a University with hope of attracting lascivious coeds, now can one?

August 24,

Button popped off my waistcoat during a particularly heated encounter with one of the bar wenches at Ye Olde Smokey Joseph’s. Must make up a clever story to throw the Missis off the trail. Maybe I'll tell her what Georgie told Martha when she suspected he was canoodling with Phyllis Wheatley. What a sly dog he is.

September 1,

I was having my customary tea at the Jefferson residence when their young son dashed in. My, what a tan little lad! As the boy ran out, the servant–woman, Miss Hemings, entered. Great eagles of liberty, what a dirty wench! What I wouldn’t have done to stuffeth my ball into that one's cannon shoot! I’d heard it said that Jefferson had tappeth that fine buttock, but I did not know it to be true. Seeing him eyeing her as well, I proffered my foot in the customary way underneath the table. Jefferson responded in kind. And so it was decided. Afternoon delighteth a la menage a trois.

A complaint from a cuckolded husband Mr. Franklin, I believe I have thou to thanketh for this rash upon my privates. From the time whence I began fornicating with women, I hath always placed a sheath upon my sword. But in marriage to my dearest Hepzibah, I placed my cannon–wrapping days behind me. Alack! That filthy wench has instructed me that she passed me the Lover's Sores from thine indiscretions. I pray that one day your rod is struck by lightning so that you may know the burning pain I feel. Irritated in more ways than one, William Boylesby

While Benjamin Franklin is famous for his clever musings and witty sayings, historians today are beginning to wonder if some of his original messages were muddled when translated from ye olde English to Amurrican. Their findings reveal that one of the 18th century's greatest minds was dirtier than we thought.

Today's Version

The original

"Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others."

"Eat to please thyself, but perform cunnilingus to please others."

“At 20 years of age the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgment.”

“At 20 years of age the body reigns, at 30 it’s sagging and at 40 time to nipeth and tucketh.”

“Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get leisure.”

“Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to get laid.”

“Diligence is the mother of good luck.”

“Diligence is the mother of a good fuck.”

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself and beware, sweaty underagers can be slippery."

“Do good to your friends to keep them, to your enemies to win them.”

“Do good to your friends to keep them, to your lovers to bed them.”

“Mine is better than ours.”

“Mine is bigger than yours.”

“The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.”

“The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise woman will earn his heart.”

“He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”

“He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with venereal diseases.”

Shooting

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Lost in Translation

: Sex in the 18th Century

Benjamin Franklin was America’s original Lothario. His sexual escapades were so numerous, that the coital details are practically interchangeable. Try your hand at our Mad Lib to see what sticky situations Big Ben got himself into. Euphemisms for a Man's Yogurt–SHOOTER Bayonet fired Benedict betrayed me Minuteman come to attention Flag unfurled Kite rose

“'Tis time for thine monthly shower, shall I scrub thee?” “You know, Paul Revere isn’t the only one up for a midnight ride…” “Are you a Tory? ‘Cause you’re occupying my heart.”

Filthy Bedchamber Speech

Euphemisms for A Lady’s Flower

“I’d like to dump my teabags into your harbor.” “Girl, you’re dirtier than my chamber pot.” “Make like John and put your Han’ on my cock.”

Spangled Banner Independence Hall Bald Eagle Valley Forge Church of England Sweet Virginia

Disclaimer: This section is as real as George Washington's teeth — not real at all.

Ye Olde Pick–Up Lines

Acts of Sexual Deviance The Seamstress The Reverse–Seamstress Lobsterbacking Sloop–Docking The “American Revolution” Crossing the Delaware Sexual Contraptions A Quill Wooden Teeth A Lightning Rod Tar and Feathers A Steam–Powered Vibrator Leech–Clamps

#burn #yourtieisstilldumb #REFILL 34st.com

34TH STREET Magazine September 29, 2011

’Twas the eve before Independence when the Founding Fathers and I stopped by Sir Cavanaugh’s tavern to indulge in some barrel stands. I was on my second round when Miss Jizzebel Jenkins entered. My (EUPHEMISM FOR A MAN'S YOGURT–SHOOTER) at the sight of her buxom figure, so I approached her person and asked, (YE OLDE PICK–UP LINE). We promptly returned to my manor thereafter and engaged in (ACT OF SEXUAL DEVIANCE) in the parlor once I declared, (FILTHY BEDCHAMBER SPEECH). Alas, this did not sate her appetite, so I took her to the bedchamber and titillated her (EUPHEMISM FOR A LADY'S FLOWER) with (SEXUAL CONTRAPTION). I Chesapeaked.

SEX SURVEYS: THEN AND NOW Do you really think this is the first time we’ve done a sex survey? It’s been a while since we’ve done our last one in 2007, but four years have been more than enough time to see some big changes in Penn’s sex life. Take a look at how our bedroom habits have changed. The v–cards among Penn’s gay population seem to expire faster than ever these days. Where 19% of gay and lesbian students identified as virgins in 2007, that number is now down to 6.3%.

Nearly 20% more female students now say they masturbate more than “rarely, if ever.” Looks like Penn girls are getting a little more raunchy. Or at least more honest.

MASTURBATORY PRACTICES THEN NOW RARELY IF EVER 58% 38% 3X A WEEK OR LESS 31% 57% MORE THAN 3X A WEEK 11% 4% Continuing in the proud tradition of Newt Gingrich and John Ensign, Penn Republicans are still the most likely of any political party to cheat on their partners, at 31%. Luckily, though, going from the White House to the doghouse hasn’t made them more likely to stray, with the same percentage of GOPers having cheated as in 2007.

100 80

STRAIGHT GAY

STAMINA BY GENDER (in minutes) 25+

2–5

16–25

20 0

THEN

NOW

20 15

MALE

FEMALE

MALE

NOW

WHARTON'S STAMINA

While in ‘07, six times as many men than women had reported having sex with more than one person at a time, the gap has shrunk. Maybe the Eiffel Tower isn’t so popular a tourist destination nowadays? 20

THEN 6–5

NOW

THEN

MULTIPLE PARTNERS AT ONE TIME PERCENTAGE OF STUDENTS WHO HAVE HAD SEX WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS AT ONE TIME

16–25

6–15

It used to be Penn’s gays who had more fun in bed while the straights were a little more conservative, but that trend seems to have reversed. The good news for everyone now, though: Sex rates seem to be up across the board.

25+

FEMALE

For the love of God, please wear shower shoes. The number of students who say they’ve had sex in a bathroom or shower has doubled in four years, and is now at 44%.

They’ve always claimed they can last longer than any other school, but now Wharton students are outdoing even themselves. The number of Whartonites who say they can last more than 16 minutes has increased more than 20%. PERCENTAGE OF WHARTON STUDENTS WHO SAY THEY LAST MORE THAN 16 MINUTES

PERCENTAGE OF STUDENTS WHO HAVE SEX ONCE A MONTH OR MORE

SEXUAL FREQUENCY BY ORIENTATION

60 50 40 30 20 10 0

THEN

NOW