My Journey With Stuttering

BY ANDREW FITZENRIDER

“ I never want to experience that again. What’s wrong with me?!”

I don’t remember when I began stuttering, but I certainly remember the reactions I received and how they made me feel.

My parents first noticed something different in how I spoke when I was approximately 2 1/2 years old. Many children display disfluencies which they outgrow by kindergarten age, but my stuttering pattern was different. I struggled to force out words and tensely repeated the first sounds of other words several times before they finally came out.I frequently jammed my eyes shut and gasped for air in effort to speak fluently.

Even before I started school, I was well aware of the uncomfortable, confused looks and occasional chuckles I received from both other kids and adults when I stuttered. I quickly learned that stuttering was something I should not be doing around other people.

As a result I rapidly developed avoidance and coping behaviors. If I wanted a hamburger, I would order a cheeseburger instead because I thought I could say it without stuttering. When called upon to answer a question, I would often pretend to not know the answer to avoid stuttering and feeling embarrassed. Mostly, though, I just didn’t speak unless absolutely necessary.

I refused invitations to birthday parties and other social happenings because I knew I would have to speak. I dreaded meeting new people because I would have to introduce myself. Indeed, the first day of a new school year included me hiding in the bathroom in hopes of not having to say my name and what I did over the summer. Talking on the telephone wasn’t even a thought. My stuttering controlled me in every way possible. I made decisions not based on what I wanted, but on whether I thought I would stutter.

My parents started me in speech therapy soon after I began speaking. My earliest memories include having my hearing tested constantly, which I think is strange because I could hear fine. Most of my school and private therapy involved me reading and speaking very slowly. I could be fluent when doing this, but I couldn’t see myself going through life sounding like C3PO on downers.

It was frustrating because I was always fluent in the non-threatening environment of the therapy room, but my struggling behaviors quickly returned as I re-entered the fast paced, judgmental real world. Looking back, I think it’s interesting that my therapists rarely asked me to talk about my stuttering....how it made me feel....how it affected my personality. In many people’s opinions, I had a flaw that needed to be corrected before I could lead a successful life.

My dad was an engineer who fixed things for a living, and I believe it pained him knowing he couldn’t fix his son. My mom, a teacher and counselor, tried to be supportive, but since she didn’t know anyone else whose child stuttered, she felt just as helpless and alone as I did.

After college I met a retired speech therapist who had once stuttered severely himself. He had been a student under and later a colleague of Dr. Charles Van Riper at Western Michigan University. “Dr Van” was widely considered one of the “pioneers” of stuttering therapy and had written and lectured extensively on the subject.

Rather than focusing on being fluent, I began to study and modify my stuttering moments. I learned to replace tension and struggle with more easy, relaxed ways of speaking while still stuttering. I gradually began to desensitize myself and basically not care how people reacted when I got stuck. I started seeking out scary speaking situations rather than avoiding them. When I thought I might stutter on a word, I went ahead and spoke anyway, viewing the moment as an opportunity to work on reducing fear. I discovered the National Stuttering Association and other selfhelp groups. I joined a Toastmasters public speaking club and spoke in a supportive, positive environment.

Studying stuttering’s iceberg analogy helped me understand the psychological aspects and develop healthier attitudes. Meeting other adults who stuttered made me realize I didn’t have to wait until I was fluent to live a successful and happy life. The Speech to Speech telephone relay service allowed me to make calls independently and work on my stuttering in this once feared situation. Now, at 54-years-old, my stuttering provides rewarding experiences I otherwise would never have had. I speak to speech pathology students around the world about my therapy experiences. I share the benefits of telephone services and assistive technology with deaf and speech impaired people across the country. I reassure parents that their stuttering children are not broken and can lead meaningful lives with support and the right attitude.

I get to meet courageous kids who stutter at Michigan’s “Camp Shout Out” and remind them to never give up on their dreams. I now get to interview and write about special people with disABILITIES. All because I stutter.

Occasionally someone asks me if I would take a pill that magically cures stuttering. I suppose I still would, but my decision has become much more difficult.

Helpful Links:

National Stuttering Association: www.westutter.org

Stuttering Foundation: www.stutteringhelp.org

Friends: www.friendswhostutter.org

T-Mobile Accessibility:  www.tmobileaccess.com

Hamilton Relay: www.hamiltonrelay.com

Relay Indiana: www.relayindiana.com