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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 30TH, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ THE REAL SCARY PART IS THE LITIGATION
DEMON FAILS TO APPEAR: CLAIMS PERFORMANCE ANXIETY DICK VEINEY ALMOST TOO VEINEY
In a pending lawsuit against Z’Heek Th’Naar, Destroyer of the Cosmic Veil, Seventh Son of the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son of the Monstrous Galaxy Consumer, R’oraith, a group of five college students claim he failed to appear when they summoned him, resulting in damages. Damages listed include: loss of credibility, failure of simultaneous group arousal that would have “inevitably” led to an orgy, and about $30 worth of fines from the university’s library where they obtained the book with the necessary information for a summoning. In response, Z’Heek Th’Naar’s representative has released a statement claiming the demon had “severe performance anxiety” that resulted in “crippling insecurity”
HAPPENS TO ALOT OF GUYS, I GET IT lol jk, what a poser.
about whether or not he could “adequately perform [...] duties including [...] actions intended to terrorize and mutilate”. Furthermore, the statement asserts that Th’Naar was “under no obligation to appear” as he had “other souls that he was overseeing the torment of."
Having reached out to both sides for their stories, the college students’ lawyer sent back a notice that, due to legal reasons, the students were not available for contact. However, a three minute search of one of the students’ Twitter’s revealed additional informational. A few of these Continued on Page 2
I REALLY HOPE THIS DOESN'T AWAKEN ANYTHING IN ME
SERIAL KILLERS ANNOUNCE PRIDE PARADE FOR HALLOWEEN HARRY NUTTSACC NEVER HAIRY ENOUGH
The Association of Serial Killers, or A.S.K., have announced that they are planning some awesome festivities for Halloween night! A.S.K. is an amazing group that welcomes any person that has committed three or more murders, regardless of race, color, or creed, but for however noble they are, they have started to get jealous of other groups that are getting social recognition. When he saw that even Christopher Columbus, perpetrator of mass genocide, was able to get a parade, David Berkowitz, better known as the Son of Sam and the President of A.S.K., figured serial killers could finally get the recognition they deserve. In a declaration posted to A.S.K.'s
THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE SEXY, AND THEY KILL I WOULDN'T EAT THEIR CANDY
website, Berkowitz announced, "We serial killers have been stigmatized for a long time now, probably since Jack the Ripper was kickin' it old school, and it's time that we come out of the closet and get recognized. To quote the great Ted Bundy: 'We serial killers are
your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere,' and it's time that you see us for who we are, loving and caring members of your community. So, in the spirit of Halloween (get it, spirit?) we're gonna be holding A.S.K.'s First Continued on Page 2
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