This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 9th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 GOODBYE IRS/PORNHUB COLLAB...
IRS PULLS OUT OF ANAL RECOGNITION POLICY BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SUBSCRIBE TO MY ONLYFANS
As a result of tremendous controversy, the IRS has recently decided to retract it’s move towards implementing an anal recognition policy. The policy, which was intended to be added as a major security measure against fraud, was initially planned to be put into effect by summer of this year, with the anal recognition data to be handled by a third party contractor called Mindgeek, widely known for their ownership of the explicit website called Pornhub. That, however, won’t fucking happen. Some felt that the measure simply wasn’t good enough, arguing that if the IRS wanted to properly protect American taxpayers from identity theft and fraud, they could’ve implemented the aforementioned
policy in tandem with a genital recognition policy. To quote former Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, a major supporter of the policy and supporter of the infamous Patriot Act, “We genuinely feel that without the anal recognition policy,
the American government can’t make love to us and protect us in a more intimate fashion, one that we genuinely deserve.” Others, however, felt that the policy was a huge threat to the rights of American citizens, and would have proven to be another Continued on Page 2
HELLO CNN/PORNHUB COLLAB!
CNN MAKES NEW PORN SITE: CNN+ BY WHORE KNEE MY NAME IS ALSO HOW I AM RN
Recently, our supreme leader, the Teflon god, Jeff Zucker resigned. This has come up due to allegations of an undisclosed affair with Allison Gollust. Many in CNN were in shock. “I’ve been fucked by Jeff Zucker on many occasions but he never disclosed our relationship,” says Humpty Dumpty wannabe Brian Stelter. After these events happened, the executives at CNN made a decision. They would transform CNN+, Zucker’s dreamchild, into a porno site. “It just made sense. With all the sexual misconduct violations happening, the least we could do is monetize it” says an unnamed CNN Executive. Now, for the low low price of
$420.69 per year, one can see their favorite CNN hosts and correspondents gettin’ it on. Some of the titles to their first wave of CNN+ will be the following. Gett’n down with Don Lemon, what’s in his pants ain’t a lemon. The Wolfstyle with
Wolf Blitzer, there’s gonna be a situation in your room after he’s done. For Dr. Sanjay Gupta, he’s looking to flatten your curves for two weeks straight, but it could go on for much longer. For those with kinkier fetishes, the Cuomos Continued on Page 2
Not Scanning Our Genitals Since 1970
QUICKIES
Macron 'Meats' With Putin, Treats Him With Steak Dinner Joe Rogan Apologizes For Being Joe Rogan NJ Gov Drops School Mask Mandate, Tells COVID To 'Go Fuck Itself' VA Gov Fights Teen Barehanded For Three Days Straight Canadian Truckers Turn Ottawa Into Massive Truck Stop Whoopi Goldberg Forced To Drop Her Surname After Holocaust Statement Rutgers Basketball Coach On The Grind