HUMOUR
30,2022 2022 May 6,
Your Weekly Horoscopes Traversing 14 million universes to see your future
Kelly Chia
Humour Editor, Supposed Seer
LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22
Hey Aries, I have a secret for you. Mercury? They’re coming out of retrograde this week, and it turns out it’s all because of you! I even heard whispers from the stars that they think you’re cute. So hey, if nothing, you’ve got an interplanetary crush going for you!
Libra, you should go up to the scale of justice and slap it silly. It’s done enough judging, don’t you think?
TAURUS — Apr 20 –May 20
SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21
Have you ever just wanted to let LOOSE? Just be FERAL? I have observed many versions of you, young Taurus, and I think you need to just go to the cliffside and scream-sing a sea shanty. I promise it will be healing, even if the seagulls come after you.
Scorpio, the planets have aligned for you to live your dreams. Yes, you should move to New York! You would charm everyone there, and have a fabulous 10–11 season sitcom show featuring you. What do you mean it’s not your dream? Mars said so.
GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20
SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21
Oh my, have we entered Gemini season? You have to let everyone know, and the best way to let everyone know is to suddenly fabricate a twin. Everyone will be delighted to hang out with you and the cardboard cutout version of you! Hurray!
It’s time for people to know how geniusly curated your Spotify playlists are, Sagittarius. In every universe, your music taste is impeccable. Just don’t show them the ones you’ve made for your DnD characters. They might be a bit too sad.
CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22
CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19
Cancer, make friends with a crow. You’ll recognize him at first sight! I can’t explain any further, but your destiny starts with you and your friendship with Reginald VII.
You know, Capricorn, for everyone talking about how serious you are, I think you have a great sense of gravitas. Try asserting to everyone that you are their father this week. I see nothing wrong with this arrangement.
LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22
AQUARIUS — Jan 20 –Feb 18
Ah, yes, Leo, the stars have prophesied your many great heroics across the universes! In this one, you are to become the hero of TikTok. You rescue everyone with your fantastic dance content (and humble home cooking videos). Go forth, the world is waiting for you!
Aquarius. Hmm, I can’t see you very clearly. Please visit your nearest aquarium so I can divine your future next week. Stars are going home early today, sorry! I do have this sympathy coupon from Denny’s, though. Enjoy!
VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22
PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20
Have you listened to Yellow by Coldplay lately? The stars are telling me that you need to be more sentimental. Why not try your hand at writing a power ballad? I think you can do it.
Pisces, you’ve discovered it! You’ve found the solution to Nirvana! It’s —
Written by Yasmin Vejs Simsek PHO TO: Chr is H o
May 30–June 5
ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19
SFU Surrey petitions to be the new It campus and
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Fellow campuses, I’ve included some flattering prelude from my fellow campus, UBC, who had this wonderful, original stuff to say about me. SFU Surrey is flawless. I hear the campus is insured for $1,000,000,000. I hear the campus advertisement was shot . . . in Japan. One time, the mall at SFU Surrey had a fire alarm that canceled all classes . . . It was awesome. The Peak has a HUGE crush on SFU Surrey! They even made a whole issue based on it!! So now that you get my IT factor, I want to invite you to have lunch with me every day, for the rest of the semester! You know, I don’t do this very often, but it’s time I tell you all the truth about the other campuses. Sure, the Burnaby campus has got that grungy, prison-y vibe going for it, and the Vancouver campus has a grool location, but no one can deny which campus is the most fetch. I am NEXT LEVEL. I have working wi-fi and an Orange Julius. I mean, what loser doesn’t want to go shopping after class? And really, I don’t know who Burnaby thinks it is. That freaking avocado statue is like, so yesterday. It’s the ugliest fucking statue I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t even wear pink on Wednesdays. I think, really, the two other campuses are just jealous of me and that’s why they’re trying so hard. But I can’t help it that I’m popular. When you come to my campus, you don’t have to worry about getting hit by a bus. The SkyTrain comes all the way to the door, basically. And you can eat whatever food you want, carbs, muffins, or just be like, whatever, I’m getting cheese fries. I don’t judge you! The limit does not exist to
the types of food you can get here. During Christmas, we sing Jingle Bells and I have candy canes for everyone, not like a certain other campus I know. When you give to one of your besties, you’ve got to give to them all, that’s just like, the rules of feminism. Basically, I am just such a good friend, and I just want you to have a mean time here. Come admire my gardens . . . my Embark gardens, that is. You can come frolic in the sunshine all day long, without any of that grody, dark academia fog. Euch. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by the Burnaby Campus. Yeah, same. It thinks it’s sooooo hot because it gets car-fires and all the tank farms a campus could ever need — um, the right answer is ZERO. I’ve started pretending I’m sick every time Burnaby calls. I just feel like with that attitude, it should just stay on the mountain! You know, I don’t understand why students keep flocking to Burnaby. It’s depressing and impossible to get to. Students are squeezed together in the classrooms like sardines. Don’t even get me started on Vancouver with their tiny, spread-out campus with only a few programmes attached to it. I have space, I am more central, I welcome all programmes, I am the superior campus! Burnaby and Vancouver campuses know it. They’re like, obsessed with me. No wonder. Who’s been getting the new buildings, who’s been getting all the praise, who will be taking over all of SFU before you can say Convocation Mall? You’ve guessed it! SFU Surrey! Peace out. Love letters directed to Campus, Surrey only, please.
