Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.

A. How many times have you asked your child for a simple apology? You may find yourself saying, “Say you’re sorry. No, say it nicely. Say it like you mean it.” And yet, deep down, you can tell they don’t really mean it. The words come out, but the lesson doesn’t land. As parents, this can feel frustrating because we want our kids to learn empathy and responsibility. But if we think that comes through a heart-felt apology, I believe we are really missing the mark.

What often happens is that children just learn how to look or sound sorry rather than truly feel it. They become skilled at saying the right thing without actually making a change. This can leave parents stuck, wondering how to guide their kids toward real accountability without constant prompting or long lectures. That’s why I believe forced apologies are actually worthless.

What to Do Instead: Teach Kids True Accountability

1. Make it Right

Instead of centering on words, guide your child toward action. Repairing the harm (with actions) shows real responsibility and helps relationships heal.

Examples:

» If a toy tower gets knocked over, encourage helping to rebuild it.

» If a toy is grabbed, prompt them to return it and try again in a kinder way.

» If your child bumps into a sibling, guide them to check in: “Is your sister OK? I see she is crying. What can you do to help her feel better?”

Even in moments with adults, kids can “pay back the energy” (as recommended by Love and Logic). If a child yells at a parent, you might gently say, “That took a lot of my energy to be screamed at. Tonight, bedtime will be a little earlier so I can have some extra time to recharge.” Or you can offer an extra chore or helpful action for the child to “pay back the energy” that a challenging moment took away from the family.

Another key benefit of focusing on action is that it greatly reduces shame. And, frankly, shame is sometimes the root of the child’s resistance to saying “I’m sorry” in the first place. The very words “I’m sorry” are an admission of wrongdoing. Period. An apology ends there – simply focused on an element of “I know that was bad (which can feel to the child like they are saying, “I know I’m bad”).

When you focus on the actions that a child can take to make the situation right, they get to end on a positive note, feeling they are capable of repairing mistakes or an impulsive act that wasn’t very kind. They get to show concretely that they are a kind person and that is likely to leave the child having a more positive self-concept (instead of a shame-hangover).

2. Make a Plan

The second step is helping kids think about what they can do differently next time and practicing it right away.

Examples:

» If your child runs past and knocks someone down, you might say: “Let’s try that again. You wanted to get over there—this time, walk calmly.” (Let’s try a “do-over” right now to practice that).

» If frustration leads the child to knock over a toy, discuss three other ways they can express anger, and then practice those three options right there and then.

This gives kids a clear “map” of what choices are available. They see how one path creates more play and connection, while another brings frustration and extra work. Practicing the better choice helps them feel prepared the next time big feelings come up. Making a plan is not about lecturing. It is about rehearsing together so kids leave the moment with a real tool they can use more effectively next time.

It is easy to get caught up in whether our kids say “I’m sorry” the right way. But what really builds growth is guiding them to make it right and make a plan.

To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail. com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.