6 minute read
Broke Girls ’
My choices for living in a fictional world
Iwas a bit of a dreamer as a small lad, and more than once I remember my mom telling me to stop living in a fantasy world.
Now that I am pushing six decades, I know you can’t live in a fantasy world, but what’s wrong with visiting one from time to time? Now if I were to live in a fictional world, what would it be like? Most likely it would be inspired by pop culture. It might look something like this:
Fictional House: This one is easy. I would live in the Gothic Victorian mansion on 1313 Mockingbird Lane owned by the Munsters. It has nine rooms, secret passageways and trap doors, and it comes complete with a dragon that lives under the stairs.
A close second would be the Sanford and Son house just because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure and you never know what you could turn up there. Plus, who knows, you might end up featured on an episode of “Hoarders” or something.
While I wouldn’t want to live there, I would like to tour the Brady Bunch house just to finally determine if the shared upstairs bathroom for six kids actually had a toilet or not.
Fictional technology: Star Trek transporter? No. Food replicator? Nope. I would have to go with the Orgasmatron from the 1973 Woody Allen movie, “Sleeper.”
Fictional Football team: I am a member of the Raider Nation for Life and even speculating on rooting for a fictional team risks suspension of my Silver and Black card, but I’m taking that risk. The fictional team I would root for is the Mean Machine from the 1974 classic, “The Longest Yard.” They had a hard-nosed, incredibly tough defense, a balanced rushing and passing attack on offense and knew how to have fun, like firing the football into a certain guard’s crotch not once, but twice.
Just an aside, I also thought of the movie, “Any Given Sunday,” that featured teams that were supposed to mimic real NFL teams, but came across looking phony or like ones in the old World League. You know what has always bugged me? That movie is unabashedly about the NFL and yet they had to use fake teams. In “Jerry Maguire,” a film that has football in it but is much more about relationships, they used the Arizona Cardinals and other actual NFL teams. What the?
Fictional band: The Jackson 5. I wanted so bad to be in the J5 as a kid. Right around the time that they became popular, 1970, was when my youngest brother, Scott, the fifth Wade boy was born. We coulda been the Wade 5! The only thing we needed was, well, talent. I think what I really wanted was to be cartoonized, given a globe-like afro and then be ripped off by the Osmonds.
A distant runner-up would be The Partridge Family but that’s only because who didn’t have a crush on Laurie Partridge? The only thing is while being in a band would be cool, the buzzkill would be your mom in the band in a super short skirt banging a tambourine against her hip.
Fictional car: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the obvious choice. James Bond’s Aston Martin with its retractable gun turrets and ejector seat are cool, but a car that can float, fly and provide the backbeat for its own theme song pushes it over the top.
I also would love to talk to Fred Flintstone about his Flintmobile and its motor/foot power hybrid technology.
Fictional boat: The Love Boat would be way more fun, but I would have to go with the USS Minnow. The only reason would be to ask Gilligan, and the skipper, too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann, in exasperation why they all packed suitcases for a three hour tour which is way more than Tom Hanks brought in “Cast Away.”
Fictional friends: The Super Friends naturally. I would like to sit Aquaman down and ask him what he feels like when he sees his fellow team members go eat seafood. Also I want to suggest a therapist for Batman and ask Wonder Woman whose brilliant idea it was to have an invisible plane that you can see her flying around in even if you can’t see it? Did she ever think
Tony Wade The last laugh about a Harry Potter invisibility cloak to complete the concept? And finally, I want to ask Superman if actual kryptonite feels like regular guy kryptonite – also known as having to buy feminine hygiene products for your significant other.
Pixabay Three quarters of the Super Friends. Aquaman was too freaked out as this was taken at a seafood restaurant.
Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns--”The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”
BRIGHT spot
Valentine’s Day is here. The Daily Republic would like to share your love and capture memories for a lifetime. On Monday, February 14th the Daily Republic will publish a Valentine’s Day keepsake page which will include a 2.5” x 3.5” ad containing your choice of one of six different logos and a message to your loved ones.
Ad Submission Deadline: Friday, February 4th at 5pm. Include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for return. Or go to https://www.dailyrepublic.com/Tools/LoveLines to submit.
1. 2. 3.
CORRECTION POLICY
It is the Daily Republic’s policy to correct errors in reporting. If you notice an error, please call the Daily Republic at 425-4646 during business hours weekdays and ask to speak to the editor in charge of the section where the error occurred. Corrections will be printed here.
DAILY REPUBLIC
Published by McNaughton Newspapers 1250 Texas Street, Fairfield, CA 94533
Home delivered newspapers should arrive by 6:30 a.m. daily except Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (many areas receive earlier delivery). If you do not receive your newspaper or need a replacement, call us at 427-6989 by 10 a.m. and we will attempt to deliver one on the same day. For those receiving a
WHOM TO CALL Subscriber services, delivery problems 427-6989 To place a classified ad 427-6936 To place a classified ad after 5 p.m. 427-6936 To place display advertising 425-4646 Tours of the Daily Republic 427-6923
NEWS DEPARTMENT Managing Editor Glen Faison Sports Editor Paul Farmer 427-6925 427-6926
sample delivery, to “OPT-OUT,” call the Circulation Department at 427-6989. Suggested subscription rates:
Daily Print: $4.12/week Online: $3.23/week EZ-PAY: $14.10/mo.
Publisher Foy McNaughton 427-6962 Co-Publisher T. Burt McNaughton 427-6943 Advertising Director Bill Barno 427-6937 Main switchboard 425-4646 Daily Republic FAX 425-5924
Photo Editor Robinson Kuntz 427-6915
Charlie, I love you to the Moon and Back.
Love, Mom
4.
sample shown approx. actual size 5. 6.
$25
Please supply your Valentine’s name, graphic choice (1-6), and maximum of 15 words of text for your message.
Graphic Choice (from above) _____________________________________________
Message_____________________________________________________________
Name_______________________________________________________________
Address______________________________________________________________
Daytime Phone_______________________________________________________
Credit Card #_______________________________Exp_______CVC Code____
