P H O T O G R A P H BY P E R R Y H A G O P I A N ; H A I R BY PA U L WA R R E N U S I N G R E N E F U R T E R E R FO R A R T D E PA R T M E N T; M A K E U P BY M E L I S S A S I LV E R FO R M AY B E L L I N E N E W Y O R K . BY M A L E N E B I R G E R B LO U S E .
J
UST ABOUT ANYONE who knows me knows that I have a real issue with bamboo. I don’t mean bamboo as a plant—I know it’s thought to be environmentally friendly. But let me tell you, it’s not friendly to my environment. Oh, sure, if you have bamboo lying around, you can, as we recommended right here in this magazine, use dried stalks to string lights for a backyard party. I’ve done that, and it works. But you can only have so many parties. And yet even when you’re not having parties, bamboo continues to grow, quickly, sinisterly, unstoppably. I moved into my suburban house 12 years ago, and a previous owner had planted some bamboo in the backyard. Did you know that bamboo has underground rhizomes? I’m no botanist, but I think that basically means the stalks of monstrosity out my window are all One Giant Plant. Which makes it even more sinister to me. When I attempt to walk into my rhizome monstrosity forest, I feel like I am walking into the Fire Swamp in The Princess Bride. At any moment, I’m either going to see a flame spurt and fall into a pit of lightning sand or have to fight an R.O.U.S. (Rodent of Unusual Size). But the biggest problem with my backyard bamboo is that, before I know it, it will be creeping into the yards around me, like a noxious gas from my personal Fire Swamp. Which makes me a very bad neighbor, and will make me an even worse neighbor in 50 years, when the bamboo has taken over our whole town, plus the southbound lanes of I-95. And so I devoured the story “Love (or at Least Stop Hating) Thy Neighbor,” on page 79 of this issue. First
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of all, who doesn’t like to read about sticky neighbor situations? Whether you have nosy neighbors or loud neighbors or sloppy neighbors, you know you are far from alone. And don’t despair, because the clever editors at Real Simple know how to handle them. We even provide sample scripts! As for me, I’m thinking of drying a whole batch of bamboo and handing out the stalks to my neighbors at the holidays, each bunch tied with a big red ribbon. Perhaps such a gesture will soften the blow when, someday in the not-too-distant future, our least-favorite rhizome grows tired of my yard and begins to make its sinister way down the street.
AUGUST 2016
17
REALSIMPLE.COM
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