Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO U R S O CI AL QUANDAR I E S.
My mother is turning 50 this year, and I want to throw her a surprise party. Unfortunately I am a broke college student who can’t really afford the dream party she deserves. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her friends to send money to fund the party in lieu of gifts? Or should I ask my grandmother to help? Or should I simplify the party so that fewer costs accumulate? P.S. Is a cash bar always tacky?
know that your mom is going to be thrilled to have such a thoughtful child and a loving group of friends. That’s what she’ll remember about turning 50.
About Catherine The author of Catastrophic Happiness (out in April) and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
A.S.
Think about it from your mother’s perspective for one second: Her lovely daughter wants to throw her a dream party! Can you imagine how happy she’ll be? Just the fact of your wanting this—to say nothing of the party itself. So treat the details as the icing on the cake, because that’s what they are. The only thing to avoid is anything that would add stress, rather than fun, to your mother’s experience. Asking her friends for money might trouble her if she finds out about it, so skip that. Likewise, if a cash bar would make her cringe, skip that, too. If your grandmother has the resources to help easily, perfect: Your mother’s own mother and daughter in celebratory cahoots sounds like the best of all possible worlds. But if it would be financially hard on your grandmother? Then don’t ask, and, yes, simplify. See if someone can volunteer her home; ask guests to bring wine or a dish to share; and
MARCH 2016
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REALSIMPLE.COM
A friend of mine was holding my eight-month-old baby and letting her play with a necklace that she was wearing. Not surprisingly, the string of beads broke. I apologized and offered to repair or replace it. She said that she would get back to me with an estimate. Honestly, I offered to be nice—but I feel like she’s the one who let my infant play with the necklace in the first place, and it’s not really my responsibility to repair it. What should I do? A. B.
It’s possible that something more than a necklace has been broken in this interaction. Because of her response to your offer, you have information about your friend that you didn’t want, and this might turn out to be a moment when you see that your priorities are diverging. That said, you did the right thing in offering to replace the necklace. Your friend should have said, “Please don’t worry! It’s just a necklace. Besides, I’m the one who was letting the baby play with it.” But she didn’t. So if she follows up, you will need to make good on your offer. (Mental note: Rhetorical offers can be taken literally, and doing the right thing can result in the wrong outcome.) Not to be a weird jewelry detective, but if the beads were something valuable,
