June 2021

Gò0dNews for Everyone

Attunement

“W

by Heather Medley, LPC

hen Jesus saw her weeping, and the

of attunement, but my favorite is John 11. In this passage,

Jews who had come along with her also

Mary and Martha have sent for Jesus because their brother

weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit

Lazarus is sick and about to die. Jesus, knowing that He

and troubled” (John 11:33). Attunement is the word that

will raise Lazarus from the dead, does not hurry to the

psychologists use to describe the ability to “tune in to” or

sisters, and by the time he arrives, Lazarus is dead. Mary

recognize and engage another’s emotional state. It happens

and Martha are full of grief, and both greet Jesus with the

when someone makes space for another person’s feelings

words, “Lord, if you had been here my brother would not

and connects with their emotions without trying to correct

have died.”

or change how they are feeling. Attunement is one of the cornerstones of healthy, successful relationships. It leaves a person feeling seen and cared for. It helps build trust and strengthen bonds. We first learn how to attune from our primary caregivers in childhood. An attuned mother engages and responds to her baby’s cry, and as a result, the baby’s mirror neurons create pathways that allow the baby to one day grow up and attune to others. Isn’t that amazing?! Attunement can look like this: A child begins crying because he does not want to put his toys up and go to bed. A mother responds by tenderly making eye contact and

The way Jesus responds is amazing. He does not shame

saying, “It makes sense to me that you feel this way. It is

the women, He does not tell them they have no faith, and

hard to put things away when it is time to go to bed. I am

He does not dismiss their pain. Instead, John 11:33 says that

here with you, and it is okay to cry.” Sometimes, parents

when He saw Mary weeping, “he was deeply moved in

are afraid or too busy to make room for a child’s emotions,

spirit,” and later, in John 11:35, it says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus

but oddly enough, research has shown that feelings are

knew that He was minutes away from raising Lazarus from

more easily and quickly moved through once they are

the dead, yet He acknowledged the grief that the sisters

recognized and engaged with attunement.

experienced and engaged it with them. He attuned to them.

Here is another example: A spouse feels angry by something that happens at work and expresses their anger.

I am thankful for a God who attunes and who models for me what it looks like to attune to others.

hard. I can hear that you are angry. Thank you for sharing this with me.” In Scripture, Jesus often displays examples

18 // June 2021

About The Author

The other spouse responds by saying, “That sounds really Heather Medley is a licensed professional counselor, speaker, and published author. She loves neuroscience research papers, bargain shopping, and laughter. She resides with her delightful kiddos and steady husband.