7 minute read
Savage Love
SAVAGE LOVE Men who choked women were the biggest single group of chokers, CHOKED, followed by men choking men, women choking women, NO and trans and gender non-binary individuals choking and being choked. Straight cisgender men, CHOKE. perhaps unsurprisingly, were the least likely to report that partners choked them during By Dan Savage sex. Trans and gender non-binary participants in Dr. Herbenick’s Hey, Dan: I’m a 29-year-old straight research more often reported that woman in Pennsylvania.My question their partners established consent is to do with choking and consent. prior to choking, but across the I’ve had two experiences in the past board there was still a great deal of six months or so where someone nonconsensual choking going on. has tried to choke me without How did we get here? my consent. The first time this “Probably porn,” says Dr. happened, I coughed immediately Herbenick. “We found that many but he tried multiple times during people into choking remember sex. I was caught so off-guard that growing up and watching porn with I didn’t say anything until the next choking in it — and in a country morning. I told him I wasn’t OK with where porn stands in for sex that and that it was too much. The education and family conversations second time, I shook my head as soon about sex, some young people do as he put his hand on my throat and what they see in porn.” he stopped immediately.I told him, And some people — mostly male “That scared the shit out of me.”He people — do it because they think apologized for startling me and said the other person wants or expects it. he wouldn’t do it again. My question This was dramatized in an episode is,Why is this a thing? The fact of Euphoria, the terrific HBO that this has happened to me more show about a group of high school than once in a short period of time students, when a boy suddenly kind of shocked me. And what is the starts choking a girl during their appropriate thing to do when this first hookup at a party. The girl is happens? What should I do with the scared and confused — she thought person who does this? the boy liked her — and the boy tells Concerned Hetero Over Kinky her he does like her; he grabbed her Entitled Dumbasses throat because he thought she would like it, not to harm or scare her.
“I would also love to know why Although shaken, she makes it clear choking has become a thing,” says she expects him to ask first. Dr. Debby Herbenick. “And it is a It is scary to suddenly be thing, especially among young choked by a sex partner. When adults.” asked if something scary had
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Dr. Herbenick is a professor at ever happened to them during the Indiana University School of sex, numerous women Herbenick Public Health and the author of surveyed for a different study cited numerous books on sexuality and someone choking them without sexual pleasure. She’s also the lead asking. Even if you were into being author of a study published earlier choked, CHOKED, which you’re this year in the Journal of Sexual not, suddenly being choked by Medicine , CHOKED, a study that a new sex partner would still be looked at the sort of behavior you’ve scary. Because if someone chokes been encountering recently: people you without asking first, they’re engaging in spanking, choking, essentially saying — they’re clearly face-fucking, etc. Though some of saying — that they have extremely this is no doubt consensual, much of shitty judgment (and didn’t think to it is not. obtain your consent) or that they’re
“We found that 21% of women had an extremely shitty person (and been choked during sex as had 11% didn’t care to obtain your consent). of men,” says Dr. Herbenick. “We “Now I’m not one of those people also found that 20% of men and 12% who says explicit verbal consent of women had choked a partner. But is needed for every hug or kiss choking during sex was much more or breast/chest touch,” says Dr. common among 18-29 year olds — Herbenick. “I’m well aware that sex almost 40% of whom had choked or often involves verbal, non-verbal, been choked — leading us to believe and other shades of asking for that choking has really changed in something. But no one should choke the U.S., over probably the last 10-20 another person without their explicit years.” verbal consent.” 18 | clevescene.com | September 9-15, 2020
That goes double/triple/infinity for aggressive and/or high-risk kinks, not just choking.
“And choking is reallyrisky,” says Dr. Herbenick. “Even though people call it choking, external pressure on the neck — like from hands or a cord or necktie — is technically strangulation. In rare cases, choking/strangulation causes people to pass out, leading to probable mild traumatic brain injury. And choking/strangulation sometimes kills people. Even if the person who was choked consented to it, even if they asked to be choked, the person who did the choking is often legally responsible in the event of injury or death.”
I’ve interviewed professional Dominants who will literally stick needles through men’s testicles — sterilized needles, consenting testicles — but who refuse to choke clients or engage in other forms of breath play. These professionals aren’t refusing to choke clients because it’s too extreme (remember the needles?), but because it’s too dangerous.
“There is truly no safe way to choke someone,” says Dr. Herbenick. “As part of my research, I’ve sought advice from several kink-positive physician colleagues, none of whom feels confident in a ‘safe’ way of choking, as there is too much that can go wrong — from seizures to neck injury to death.”
So what do you do the next time some dude grabs your throat? (And there will, sadly, most likely be a next time.) You immediately tell them to stop. Don’t cough, don’t deflect, don’t prioritize their feelings in the moment or worry about ruining the mood and derailing the sex. Use your words: “Don’t choke me, I don’t like that, it’s not sexy to me and it’s not safe, and you should’ve asked.” If they apologize and don’t try it again, great. Maybe you can keep fucking. But if they pout or act annoyed or insist you might like it after you’ve just finished telling them you definitely don’t like it, get up and leave. And if someone tried to choke you during sex and you shut it down and they pivoted to mutually enjoyable sex acts, CHOKED, be sure to raise the subject after sex. Make sure they understand you don’t want that to happen again and that you expect them to be more conscientious about consent the next time — if there is a next time.
And considering that this has happened to you twice recently, CHOKED, and considering how popular busting this particular move seems to have become, you might wanna consider saying something about choking to a new sex partner before you have sex for the first time.
“I would be very up front about it from the get-go,” says Dr. Herbenick. “When you’re first talking with someone or moving things forward, say something like, ‘I’m not into choking, so don’t try it,’ or, ‘Whatever you do, don’t choke me.’ If you can both share your hard limits, you’ll be better prepped for good, fun, exciting, pleasurable sex — not scary stuff like non-consensual choking.
“And for everyone reading this, seriously: stop choking people without first talking or asking about it. Just stop.”
Follow Dr. Debby Herbenick on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.
Hey, Dan: I hope you’re getting a lot of mail from people uncomfortable with your response to DISCORD, the woman whose cheating husband blew up when a man she was merely chatting with forwarded their correspondence to her husband. My first question was whether the sadistic creep who baited her into telling him she had an affairwasn’t actually her POS husband playing some sick game. I mean, 30 minutes is awfully quick turnaround from her messages being forwarded to his blow-up. And seeing as DISCORD’s husband has already established that she will put up with his tantrums, withholding of sexual intimacy, strangulation, lying, and affairs, it’s also possible that he’s engineered her financial dependence. I would advise her to at least talk to a professional who could paint an objective picture of her financial options. She might also benefit from the advice of an advocate for domestic violence survivors. Strangulation is usually not an isolated violent act.
Rarely Disappointed Reader
Thank you for writing, RDR — thanks to everyone who wrote. I’ve reached out to DISCORD privately and will forward your emails on to her. I should’ve pushed back when DISCORD ruled out divorce as an option. Here’s hoping DISCORD takes your advice over mine.
Questions? mail@savagelove. net. Follow Dan on Twitter @ FakeDanSavage.
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