8 minute read
Savage Love
SAVAGE LOVE should level with him about why you wanna try it. You don’t frame it as a problem (“You take too long!”), and it isn’t a problem. SHAFTED He has amazing stamina, right? And while that stamina is great during PIV (you always come first), By Dan Savage it’s a challenge when you blow him. Figuring out what you can do to get him there a little faster Hey, Dan: I’m a European without making him feel rushed heterosexual girl, and reading your is something you should be able column from afar has been a good to talk about. You need to be able way for me to better know the sex to talk honestly with your partner world! I’m wondering if you have about sex in general, STIFFED, advice for me about a “faster” way and it’s particularly important to do blow jobs. Or rather a way that you’re able to freely give him to make my boyfriend come faster feedback when sex is physically from them. I like doing them, but uncomfortable. after some time my mouth begins to While there’s an obvious upside hurt and I’d like him to finish. My for you to speeding up his orgasms partner is “slower” to come than during oral, e.g., less wear and other men I’ve been with. During tear on your face, there are two big intercourse sex, I don’t mind. I upsides for him: You’re gonna get usually come first, but it’s not a him there faster by making blow problem to wait for him to finish. jobs more intensely pleasurable for But during oral sex, it’s harder to him, and he’s gonna get more of wait. Sometimes I say no to giving those intensely pleasurable blow him a blow job because I know the jobs once they’re less physically effort it will take. I don’t want to taxing for you. And if a finger talk with him about this because in the butt is a no-go for your I don’t want to make him self- boyfriend (or you), STIFFED, there conscious. I know how good it is to are some other tricks you can try. receive oral sex without thinking Some guys get there a little faster about having to rush my own during oral if you cup, squeeze, orgasm, and I don’t want to make or gently pull on their balls; some him feel rushed. In the years of our guys get there a little faster if you relationship, I haven’t found a trick play with their nipples (or they that gives me the power to make it play with their own). And you can faster. I need some button to push. always use your hands to speed Maybe you have some tips for me? things along, i.e., pull his dick out —Sex Tips Inducing Faster Finish of your mouth, give him a few good Easing Discomfort pumps, get him closer to the finish line, and then dive back down on I have some good news: There is his dick. a button. It doesn’t work on all men, sadly, but for many men a Hey, Dan: My wife and I just little pressure on this button can celebrated our 34th anniversary. speed up an approaching orgasm For the first year, it was great. considerably. While this button isn’t We shared many intimate hard to find, STIFFED, you can’t moments. But on her 26th birthday see it with the naked eye … because (33 years ago!) she got “it.” A it’s inside a guy’s ass. The prostate vibrator. Ever since, I feel like I’ve is a walnut-shaped gland that been bumped down to a distant produces seminal fluid; it’s located fourth in our relationship. Her inside and up a man’s bum. If you’re priorities: family, job, “it,” then facing your boyfriend —which you me. She thinks everything is fine would be while blowing him — his and that we’re soulmates, friends, prostate is on the same side of his lovers, etc., but I feel like her lowest body that you are. Slip a finger in priority. I’ve read articles where his ass, make a gentle “come here” women can become addicted to motion with your finger, and you’ll these devices, essentially snubbing be hitting that button. Keep gently their significant others. I know it’s pressing on his prostate as his complicated, but what can I do to orgasm approaches, and you should win her back? I’ve tried romancing feel it harden, swell, and contract. her, but I’m always competing with
But you’re gonna need to get “it” for intimate attention. How your boyfriend’s consent before many others have been replaced by sticking a finger in his ass, “it” in their relationships? What can STIFFED, which means you’re I do? gonna have to talk to him about —Vanquishing “It” Becomes trying this — and I think you Essential Quest 26
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Stop trying to compete with “it.” Sex is not a competition, VIBEQ, and “it” is not your competitor. “It” is a tool, VIBEQ, and “it” could and should be your friend and collaborator instead of your nemesis.
First, your wife isn’t broken, and her clit doesn’t have addiction issues. Your wife is most likely one of the many women out there who can only come with the help of a vibrator. Some women (and some other people with clits) need sustained deep-tissue vibrations in order to get off. Remember: Dicks and clits are made up of the same starter-pack of fetal tissues; a dick is a big clit, a clit is a small dick. But most of the clit — the “shaft” of the clit, i.e., the erectile tissues and chambers that anchor the exposed glans of the clit to the body — is internal. You probably haven’t seen many men jerk off, VIBEQ, but I have. Some men (and other people who have penises) focus all of their efforts on the heads of their cocks — working the glans — while others barely touch the head and focus most of their efforts on the shaft. Basically, there are women out there who need the “shaft” of the clitoris stimulated in order to come—not the exposed glans, but the majority of the clitoris, which is inside the body. The sensations provided by a powerful vibrator are the best and, for some women, the only way to hit their shafts with the sensations required to get them off.
So my advice … after all these years … is to finally learn to love “it.” Invite your wife to incorporate “it” into your sex sessions; don’t make the mistake (or continue making the mistake) of forcing her to choose between sex with you that doesn’t get her all the way there and masturbation sessions with “it” that do. Let her use “it” on/with herself when you’re having intercourse and ask if you can use “it” on/with her when you’re not, e.g., every once in a while leave your dick out of it and focus on your wife’s pleasure. Hopefully you’ll come to see “it” as an extension of your body when “it” is in your hands and as your loyal wingman when “it” is in hers. Good luck and happy anniversary.
Hey, Dan: My son, a 15-year-old straight guy, occasionally enjoys dressing in girls’ clothing. When he was little, it was his sister’s tutus and painting his nails. These days he does it more to be funny. I have noticed, however, that once the joke is over he keeps the makeup and dress on longer and longer. This has never bothered me or his dad. We don’t encourage or discourage it. We have never gendered things in our very liberal house (no girls/boys toys, etc.). He is a pretty open kid with friends across the spectrum of sexual and gender identities, so I don’t get the feeling he would hide it if he is struggling with gender issues. I think he just likes to wear a dress around the house sometimes. I’m wondering if we still refer to a guy dressing in women’s clothes as “cross-dressing” or is it now just “wearing a dress”? Is there a more modern term/name? Cross-dressing feels derogatory for some reason. We have no intention of trying to change his behavior, but I’d like to use the right words if he wants to talk about it. —Demonstrating Respect Exposes Sincere Support
No one is more up to date on the right words than the word cops at GLAAD, which used to stand for the “Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation” and now just stands for GLAAD … because coming up with a catchy acronym that incorporated B (bisexual), T (trans), Q (queer), Q again (questioning), A (asexual), A again (ally), I (intersex), 2S (twospirited), P (pan), P again (polyamorous), K (kink), etc., etc., prompted several dozen supercomputers to threaten suicide if they weren’t immediately reassigned to bitcoin-farming duties.
Anyway, DRESS, GLAAD says the term “cross-dressing” is fine: “While anyone may wear clothes associated with a different sex, the term cross-dresser is typically used to refer to men who occasionally wear clothes, makeup, and accessories culturally associated with women.” GLAAD recommends people use “cross-dressing” instead of “transvestite” and notes that most cross-dressers identify as both male and straight and “have no desire to transition and/or live full-time as women.” But your son is only 15 years old; he may be a straight male cross-dresser, DRESS, or he may be exploring his gender identity under the guise of wearing dresses for laughs. Give him time, give him space. And just as you’re keeping an open mind about your child’s gender identity, DRESS, I would encourage you to keep an open mind about his sexual orientation. My mom thought I was straight when I was 15 years old and look how that turned out.
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