8 minute read
Savage Love
CULTURE
: QStraight guy here in a one-sided open relationship. My wife and I opened our relationship just for her and to females only, so she could explore her bisexual side. I’m super proud of her for coming out and wanted her to eel ul lled. en e reed to t is s n i e nd ured n t in s e experienced would be purely sexual and nothing more. She recently caught feelings and now has a girlfriend. She stays at her girlfriend’s place one to two nights a week. I get jealous and sick to my stomach when she is over there. She has that “new relationship energy” going and talks about her girlfriend all the time. Aside from the jealousy, I feel like I am not a priority. I’m hoping my feelings get better with time. Besides this, our marriage is great. I love my wife very much and want to support her in this. Are one-sided open relationships something that can work? Are my eelin s un usti ed nd t c n do to better deal with them? The logic used when we talked about a one-sided open relationship was that I can’t satisfy the female side she desires. But since I’m etero don t e n un ul lled side.
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—Home Alone
: A our wife isn t the first person to come out as bisexual after making a monogamous commitment to an opposite se partner and then ask for permission to sleep with other people without wanting to e tend the same permission to their straight spouse. ince she s i and can t get pussy at home, the reasoning goes, she should e allowed to get pussy elsewhere. ince you re straight and can get pussy at home when that pussy is at home , you re not entitled to the same allow ance. ut as your wife is demonstrat ing, , it s not ust pussy she s getting elsewhere. hile she s getting one very specific need met outside your relation ship admittedly a need you can t meet — she’s getting a lot more than that. In addition to pussy, she s getting variety, adventure, uni ue e periences, new relationship energy, and two over nights a week. hy shouldn t you have some of that too ot to even the score, ut to feel like you re an e ual partner in this marriage and, as such, entitled to e ual terms, e ual treatment, and e ual enefits. nd it doesn t sound like you two were on the same page when it came to what opening your relationship entailed. ou seem to have assumed or figured that your wife would e seeking se elsewhere, se and only se , ut your wife caught feelings and now she has a girlfriend. greeing to a one sided open relationship is not the same thing as agreeing to one sided polyamory. If you didn t agree to that, , your wife had no right to e pect that from you or impose that on you.
That said, one sided open relation ships can e great, , ut they work est when the person who isn t seeking se outside the relationship either isn t interested in having se with other people or is turned on y the erotic power im alance of eing for idden something their spouse is allowed asically, this could work if you were a cuckold. hich you re not. : QI’m a straight man who has been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years. I’m the only person she has ever been with. O ver the years she has evolved into a wonderful giving partner open to things that turn me on. I take pride in being able to give her multiple orgasms although she only wants to do this about once per month. She has been happy to give me pleasure multiple times per month even, but she talks of it like it’s a chore (“wifely duties”) and is always asking me why I want it so much. I tell her it is more normal for men to want it more, and I wish she would want it more as well! I have used orn to et off since m teens. S e c cepts this because it means fewer chores for her, but she doesn’t like it. R ecently I started using my phone to take videos of her performing oral on me as I enjoy watching this and it cuts down on the porn. She checked my phone and was upset at what she saw. I told her I was sorry, but she says I should’ve asked for permission. I told her I would have asked for permission, but I knew the answer would be no! She said of course it would be no and she called it sick and gross! I tried to explain again that it is quite normal behavior for most men to want to watch and it is for my eyes only! As I said, she has evolved, as early in the marriage she would have never done some of things she has learned to do while pleasuring me! Long story short, any words of advice on this sexy-for-me, not-so-much-for-her activity.
—Sincerely Appreciate Your Advice, Sweet Savage
: AIt s not to take photos or videos of someone performing a se act without their consent, , even if that someone happens to e your wife. ven if that someone happens to have a lower li ido than you do, even if that someone would rather you not look at porn, even if that someone en oys most of the things you want them to do not only isn t it , , it s a crime. It s not normal ehavior, it s asshole e havior and, again, in most places it s literally criminal ehavior. o your wife has every right to e upset. ou violated her and did so knowingly you say you didn t ask for permission to make those videos ecause you knew she would say no. ude. If your wife had een writing me, , I would advise her to get a lawyer and divorce you.
Savage Love
By Dan Savage
JOE NEWTON
: Q e e r so muc out t e ll important commitment to monogamy in m rri e. t out t e less em phasized but clearly important commitment to a healthy sex life? I’m a straight man. I’ve been married for about 20 years. I’ve never cheated on my wife, although I’ve come close in recent years. My wife and I had a healthy sex life for t e rst e rs. or t e l st e rs e en t d se t ll. e re ot in our late 40s, athletic and attractive, and neither of us has any overwhelming physical or mental problems. My wife is just so engrossed in her work and personal identity that she has stopped caring about sex. It’s all well and good to say, “You need to talk about this with her,” but I know from years of experience that would be futile. She refuses to discuss it. And she has made it clear that if I were to do anything outside the marriage, it would amount to an un forgiveable betrayal. I vacillate between acceptance, frustration, bitterness, and deep anger. Yes, I signed on for monogamy. But what did she sign on for? Can a woman or man in a monogamous m rri e unil ter ll cut off se or no reason and still expect or demand mono m s m i e does t do I owe her? And what does she owe me? Despite this issue, we are good partners, good friends, and good parents to our two teenage children. Protecting them from the trauma of divorce, and not hurting my wife — these are the reasons I stay in the marriage. But it doesn’t feel right or fair that I have to be monogamous, that I will never experience physical intimacy again, not so much as a kiss or a touch, for the rest of my life, ec use m i e decided s e is nis ed it t t rt o er li e. t do ot er people think?
—Saddened Over Love’s Omissions
: APeople in the comment threads at savage.love have een taking me to task recently for eing too uick to give my lessing to cheating... so, instead of answering this one myself, I m going to open it to the commenters hat do you guys think should do Personally, I don t think a person can insist on monogamy while refusing to meet their partner s reasona le se ual needs. ell, a person can insist on it, ut they shouldn t e pect it. Please don t tell to talk with his wife. e s tried talking a out it he s tried again and again for years and his wife refuses to discuss it. o, gang, what should he do hould he do the right thing and get a divorce r should he do what he needs to do to stay married and stay sane I ll see you in the com ments thread.
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