7 minute read
Savage Love
FRIENDS IN DEED
By Dan Savage
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Hey, Dan: I’m a twenty-something with a coworker (or anyone else) won’t more-or-less lesbian in an East Coast end badly — and a little awkwardness city. I’m primarily into women, and would be the least of your worries I’m only interested in relationships if this proposed arrangement ended with women, but I’m sometimes badly. But if your relationships and attracted to men and have enjoyed breakups are generally drama-free, sex with men in the past. For various COVET, and if you’ve been friends reasons, I decided a few years ago with this guy long enough to know not to pursue physical stuff with men that his relationships and breakups anymore and I publicly identify as have been mostly drama-free, I think a lesbian. This worked great preyou should tell him how you’ve been pandemic, but now, with a tiny social feeling. Ask him if he’s interested in bubble and no dating prospects, I find finding a COVID-19 sex buddy, as the myself feeling very attracted to a male Dutch call them, and if he is, tell him friend/coworker. He’s 30-something, you’d like to apply for the position. single, straight, and we’ve hung out a While most couples meet online few times since COVID (only outside, these days, COVET, roughly 10% and while socially distanced). As far of opposite-sex couples — which is as work goes, neither of us has a what you two would be — still meet managementrole, we’re in different through work. And while you’re not departments, and we rarely interact interested in anything romantic or professionally. So, hypothetically, the long-term, couples that meet through coworker part wouldn’t be an ethical work remain the most likely to marry. issue if we were to get involved. Which means work relationships don’t
I have a feeling he’d be down for always end in tears and/or pink slips a casual pandemic thing… although and/or lawsuits. (Although they do it’s possible I could be projecting. sometimes end in divorce.) People who But I have no idea how to broach find themselves attracted to coworkers this subject. He’s a respectful person need to be thoughtful about power and we work for a very progressive dynamics, of course, and cognizant organization, so he’s not going to of company policies where workplace flirt with me since I identify as gay. I romance is concerned. And it sounds don’t know how to bring up in casual like you are being thoughtful and conversation that I sometimes like it doesn’t sound like either of you sleeping with men, Dan, and my have power over each other and are usual approach to flirting involves unlikely to ever be in positions of a lot of casual physical contact, power over each other. which obviously isn’t possible right And life is short and this now. What should I do? Should I just pandemic is going to be long. let this go? Even though we don’t So the next time you get together work closely together, there’s obviously for some socially distanced socializing, the potential for professional issues COVER, open your mouth and tell this if feelings got hurt, and celibacy guy what you’ve been thinking. If he’s is obviously a responsibleoption as liberal and progressive as you make during this pandemic. But COVID-19 him out to be, he’s no doubt aware lockdowns and restrictions are going that human sexuality is complicated to continue and he and I seem well and that while many of us can find a enough suited to keep each other perfect fit among the most commonly company. I was single and celibate understood set of labels, many of us for a while before the pandemic and pick a label that doesn’t fit perfectly am feeling desperate to touch another because it comes closest to capturing human being. If it’s not a terrible some combo of our sexual and/or idea, how do I flirt with him without romantic interest and desires. Don’t endangering public health, messing think of this ask — don’t think of this up our friendship, or making our disclosure — as walking anything work situation incredibly awkward in back, COVET, but of expanding and the event that he’s not into me? complicating what he already knows Craving Organic Viable Earthly about you. You remain homoromantic Touching — you’re only interested in other women romantically — but you are There’s no way to ensure that a sexually attracted to both men and sexual and/or romantic relationship women sexually. In other words, 22 | clevescene.com | July 29-August 4, 2020 COVET, your heart is lesbian but your pussy is bi.
If he’s up for being your COVID-19 sex buddy, swear to each other that you’ll handle the inevitable end with grace and compassion. For while awkwardness can’t be avoided, COVET, stupid and unnecessary drama certainly can. And it’s been my experience that promising in advance to act like grownups ups the chances of everyone acting like grownups. Similarly, simply saying, “Well, this might get awkward,” in advance of awkwardness or, “This is awkward,” if things should get awkward reduces the strength and duration of awkwardness by at least half.
Finally, a note to all the guys out there reading this who think COVET’s question gives them license to hit on women who identify as lesbians: No, it doesn’t. Don’t do that. If there’s a lesbian-identified-butnot-averse-to-all-dick dyke in your life… if you work or to go school with a homoromantic-but-bisexual woman who identifies as a lesbian… and if that woman is even remotely interested in fucking you, she will let you know. And even if your hunch is correct — even if your dickful thinking is spot-on and that one lesbian you know does wanna fuck you — being disrespectful enough to make the first move instantly disqualifies both you and your dick.
Hey, Dan: This is a letter from a gay guy. If one of my regular kinky playmate friends were to gag and hood me and then fuck me while wearing a condom, would that reasonably be expected to prevent COVID-19 transmission?
Hoping Or Otherwise Determined
You’re less likely to contract COVID-19 if you’re hooded and gagged and it’ll be even safer if your kinky playmate wears a mask too. But you should be hooded and gagged before your kinky playmate arrives, HOOD, because if gets close enough to hood and gag you himself then he’ll be exhaling all over you and inhaling whatever you’re exhaling. And that — inhaling what other people are exhaling — is the risk we all need to avoid right now. And while COVID-19 has been found in semen, the jury is still out on whether semen presents a significant risk of infection. (Unless a dude shoots so hard his semen is aerosolized and his sex partners are in danger of inhaling his spunk into their lungs.) That said, COVID-19 isn’t the only thing we need to worry about, HOOD, so he should wear a condom to protect you from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. The biggest risk, according to health departments from sea (NYC Health) to shining sea (British Columbia Centres for Disease Control), is kissing — we’re being urged to forgo “kissing and saliva exchange” with randos for the moment — so kinky fuckers who get off on wearing masks, gags, and hoods have a built-in, hard-wired advantage. But no kissing before the hood goes on.
Hey, Dan: Please settle a debate with my “friend.” I’m correct in that your staff comes up with the clever names of those who submit letters to your Savage Love column, right? My “friend” holds the delusional belief that the clever names are created by the letter writers themselves. Please settle this with a confirmation that I am correct.
Friendship Risked In Entirely Needless Dispute
A million or so years ago I began shortening sign-offs created by the letter writers — I began making acronyms out of them — to cut my word count and save space. Readers noticed what I was doing and began creating sign-offs that, when acronymized, became words that playfully referenced their questions. It quickly became something “Savage Love” readers looked forward to — something they liked as much or more than my dick jokes — and it wasn’t long before readers were letting me know they were disappointed when sign-offs didn’t result in clever acronyms. So nowadays when readers don’t go to the trouble of creating clever sign-offs for themselves, I do it for them. I would say I come up with roughly half the sign-offs that appear in the column, FRIEND, which means you and your friend are both right.
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