Paul Heiney The joy of needlecraft has been somewhat lost on Paul after an attempt to stitch together a rudimentary canvas cover ends in much bloodshed
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xcuse the brown smears down the page but those mudcoloured streaks were once my own rich red life’s blood. I have been having a go at sewing, hence ruddy drips from punctured finger ends. Apparently, sewing is the new baking when it comes to top rating television. What they get up to with a bit of cloth and a needle leaves me in awe. I mean, they can actually sew in a straight line! You should see mine; like a dog piddling in the snow was how someone described them. I don’t ask a lot of my sewing. All I want is a canvas flap, with a window in it, to hang over the hatchway on what seem to be those very rare occasions when I’m sailing with a following wind. A stiff breeze up the chuff of a boat is a fine thing, a skipper’s dream come true, except for those below who complain of living in a wind tunnel. Worse, when it rains as well as blows, and chilly droplets drive below with the force of bullets, and for some inexplicable reason they don’t seem to like that either. So, anything to keep the peace. Out must come the sewing machine. My machine’s a beauty, built to stitch sails and, judging by the strength of it, designed by the makers of the Sherman tank. I bought it from a chap who swore he’d sewn himself a new genoa, but that seems beyond the realms of possibility since it doesn’t look big enough to hem a tablecloth. However, there are ways of getting fat chunks of canvas through a modest sized machine, as I was to find out, and I set off with enthusiasm to learn the tricks of the trade. The truth is that there aren’t many secrets to canvas working that can’t be learned by doing the job day in and day out for twenty years or so. I’ve watched canvas workers as they mark out, cut, sew, add zips and in no time at all create as result as tailored as anything that came from Saville Row. Which is why it was deeply foolish of me to believe for a single minute that I could pick it up in no time at all and save myself a pocket full of quids which I seemed
to be charged for what appeared to be the simplest of jobs. I now know better. Make no mistake, canvas workers are artists. But more than that, they are a kind of engineer too. I once had a cockpit cover made by some Royal Navy lads who were professional canvas workers, made redundant, and trying to make a few bob out of yotties. I told them how much I admired their work, the perfect nature of the fit and the elegance of curves. One said, ‘Yep, we used to make all the canvas covers for nuclear reactors on submarines.’ I bet they were the best clothed bits of nuclear kit in the world. I’ve had some successes in my amateur attempts at needlework; I replaced all my lee cloths which were getting grubby, but if you think about it a lee cloth is all straight lines and anyone falling exhausted into their bunk is not going to moan about a bit of a wiggle in the stitching, so I don’t claim a lot of skill for having achieved that. But this hatchway cover I’m trying to make is going to be stared at for hours on end by whoever is on watch, and given that most people I seem to sail with greatly enjoy pointing out this skipper’s deficiencies, I will surely have my leg pulled till it is about to part at the knee. I suppose that sewing canvas to a high standard is just one more of those jobs that is rightly best left to professionals, but which we deluded boat owners think we can do just as well, and cheaper. We think we can be master electricians, engineers, plumbers, ready to attack any job as if we know what we’re doing, and only picking up the phone to call the bloke who really knows how to do the job when we’ve already caused more damage in the process. Self sufficiency on a boat is a good thing. There ought to be few breakages or failures that you can’t cope with when you are at sea with no immediate help at hand. But when you’re alongside and just at the head of the pontoon is a workshop with some real skills ready for the asking, it is sometimes better to admit that there are tasks on a boat which are jobs too far. Like sewing.
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JULY 2021 Sailing Today with Yachts & Yachting
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ILLUSTRATION: CLAIRE WOOD
‘What they get up to with cloth and a needle leaves me in awe. They can actually sew in a straight line!’
